Durbin is with this pointy girl Emma, and he is pissed by the fact that the moms are choreographing: "Maybe Idol isn't a competition for stage moms?" Whoa, Durbin. Pull back, you're kind of heading into dick territory. I mean, you're totally right about this issue, but the fact is that you don't need a mommy to help you choreograph, by which I mean, as long as you're doing your best job it doesn't really matter what other people are doing. Whining about fairness just makes you look insecure.
The foursome having become a threesome, the question becomes what do the exes do with this girl and no boy. Rob misses the boy, and also it's hard for him because Chelsee is not speaking to him, which is funny because they're on a team. I think they actually get together and break up all the time, I think, and Jacqueline will say something similar at the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Jacqueline has problems with Rob, Rob's dancing ability, Rob's free will, the concept of democracy. Rob: "I don't know what she told you. Probably lies."
God, I love this guy. But I do also love how batshit insane Jacqueline is allowed to be when she's not all wrapped up in the Nick show. I wonder how many years Rob has left until he just decides that he hates women. He seems like one of those men poised to fall off that one, into the abyss of an unhappy marriage. But I don't know, they're both pretty great and I am sure their fights are epic and they sing together so, so sweetly.
Ashley is -- if you can believe this -- falling apart, sliding down the wall by her face, while dressed like the Unabomber. Her eyeballs are shivering out of her head and she looks like a Maria Bamford character sprung to life. Finally she's like, "I can't do this. I have found my limits." They don't really protest much because, I mean, girlfriend is crazy. It is clear that she can't handle this. She looks homeless inside her own self.
She exercises transparency with the crazy hot producer, Patrick, who's trying to figure out what she's actually, like, doing. So what she's doing is, she's going to sit against the wall outside like a junkie with her junkie-looking boyfriend and screaming at the cameras for existing. She is going to be acting embarrassing while also delivering a narrative on how embarrassing it is to be acting embarrassing. It's not even funny, it's just weird and dumb and she makes me super nervous to look at because looks like the personification of the concept Desperation.
Clint Junebug is not loving Scotty's twang but is still willing to work with him... Oh, but they kicked out Jacee. Just wasn't up to Junebug's standards. So then his adorable little self just wanders away into the crowd and Junebug tries to explain to us and the pissed-off teammates that it was basically just because he was, I think, fat.
Jordan the "perfectionist" is mean and bitchy and better than everybody and has to carry everybody, all of these things, some more. Only now he's thinking of leaving the group, which causes like a reverse-mutiny because the self-assigned leader of the group is the one that is uniting them all in anger. So then he leaves that group and joins some poor bastards who don't yet know just how monstrous he is. This was once a piano teacher with a pretty voice but has become way gross.
2:30 AM and Ashley's drug addict-looking self has decided, you guessed it, that it wouldn't be fair for her to deny us her talent and drama. Her group welcomes her back super sweetly, which is more than I would even ask for. I would be like, "No, you go do your troll drugs and leave us out of it." I know I say this every year, but you can totally judge a book by its cover and you totally need to learn this skill.
Don't be in the group with the girl who is clearly insane, because guess what: She's going to act crazy. She is not hiding it, she is wearing it on her outsides like a sandwich board, or a neon sign flashing danger, danger at you. You don't even have to look at the size of her purse to know she's out of control: It's all there in her drawn features and darty bulging eyes and twitchy mouth and... She is ailed. There are ailments.
Sugar Mamas & The Baby (is Brett the baby?) are stressing out because they need Day 2 people but their Day 2 people keep getting stolen. Bretty wanders all over the place and finally finds Jacee, who admits he doesn't know the song they're going to sing, Brett's like, "You know what, you can learn it." And then sweetly introduces him to the group and they all kind of cry with gratitude for Jacee, who finds them all bemusing but in a sweet way, like if you discovered goblins in the supermarket.
Rob is getting the business from everybody, his mean ex and the weirdo Jacqueline and even Byrd. Also from dancing, he is getting it from the concept of dancing. I wish I was there to tell him it is going to be okay because I think he, both of them really, are some of our better people.
7 AM. So many tears. This episode is so long. I wish instead of one very long episode, they would just make Hollywood five weeks long and we could really get into their heads and like their shame. There are 39 groups all told... Whoa, and a super hot dude in a knit cap we haven't seen before. He'll be a big deal at some point, I bet. The Judgery gives them the spiel and Randy reminds them to remember the words, and then it's time to start.
The first group is a Jersey trio of ladies, sirens, weird sisters: Pia, Alessandra, and Brielle, singing some dumb song about the various horrific things that you would choose for your lover's benefit including grenades, knives to the hand, a bullet in the head. It's one of the worst songs, I think, and not helped by their general shittiness. Good harmonies, but the solos are thin and whatever. But then all three of them get through (For the Chair, is that what's ?).
Ryan talks to the group that took on awful Jordan and Jordan tries to tell the story of how they all met, even though Jordan was not there. And then this morning, Jordan was talking mad shit about his old team, and they talk mad shit back, and the lady who was so angry at him last night is having a tearstained kind of morning. I don't know, both groups are pretty annoying and Jordan is the worst, but he's with Robbie Rosen so it's okay that his whole group gets through to the round.
The group he ditched, which by the way is singing "Fuck You" so I don't care at all what happens to them, includes this Lauren lady that is so upset and then her nerves make her sing not so great. She's mostly just hair and boobs, is Lauren. In a mom way, not a good way. J. Lo says it's getting so hard to do this, but like, they've put everybody through so far... So then they do that again.
Good one, J. Lo. You had me there. Afterward, everybody acts bitchy about Jordan some more, which usually grosses me out, but man he was just the worst.
Even Ryan can't believe how many people are getting through. "Perhaps the ten-year Group Day curse has finally been broken?"
No, because here comes Tiffany and her GTL ass and looking like a monster. J. Lo actually starts giggling because Tiffany is so horrible and this is going to be a trainwreck. I don't know what the other girl is thinking, maybe she's just dumb. They do a crawling-around "To The Left" and this is done in a leopard miniskirt -- not a small girl, this girl -- and Tiffany sounds even worse than she has ever sounded. Randy almost cries due to how awful that was, and asks why the other girl did what she did, and she's like, "Basically I'm just dumb." Then they both get cut, but of course you know that awful Tiffany is not going down without a fight.
She explains to Ryan that the problem was that they didn't have a group. He does not illustrate for her the fact that she didn't have a group because she is a trog.
This group Spanglish, their hottest member Kevin may have a head injury based on the fact that he just randomly forgot to come to Group Day. The camera crew goes to his hotel room and they're like, "What happened? Why aren't you singing right now?" and Kevin is just like, "That is a very good question. I would like to know the answer." He never really seems to get his head around the fact that this is happening and that it happened, you know? He's just like, "Oh, see instead of being where I was supposed to be, I was here in my hotel room instead. See what I mean?" Steven Tyler is more than happy to get onstage and play the drums and get a lot of attention while we wait though.
Finally they get Kevin into his clothes and then their group sings. Jovany is the muscly one that has the musclehead head, one of them we don't know but is gender-estranged, and then the last one is Karen and she's great. They sing the song about being amazing just the way you are, and I bet they all go through because the harmonies are pretty. Steven Tyler is more than happy to drag out the results for as long as possible until they start crying and J. Lo encourages this behavior and it goes on and on forever and ever, and then only Jovany and Karen get through.
This group of Ke$ha lookalikes were snorting noodles last night -- flossing their sinuses, okay, with noodles -- and now I think they are going to lapdance for Steven Tyler... Yes, so they do. Even Ryan is like, "What a mercenary choice, given Steven Tyler's debilitating age and nearly entirely assured erectile dysfunction disorder, that these young ladies would all jump on him in a big puppy pile." Then he gives Steven a hug and calls him "baby," and that was weird, but then who goes through? Only Lauren, the one we know from before that has the biggest hair, and ass, whom it's possible is one of the Bessie Girls but I really only remember her pretty face and not what she sang.
11:45 AM. The Nashville Stars include the knit-cap hottie Colton, and the strange cowboy/laborer giant Matt. Colton rules, Matt forgets the words to the song about being amazing, but the whole group is a fucking tragedy and they sound pretty terrible together, but you know Colton is getting through no matter what. Look at his face. Oh, and then the other four people get cut and it's just him. Colton Dixon, remember that name. Matt Dillard, forget that one.
A hilariously terrible blonde girl, a mom, Janelle forgetting the words, a total beast sounding horrific, Nicolette Sheridan yelling at them judges, and then Paris, the one that has the effed-up baby. She does not do great, but J. Lo is rooting for her as am I, and J. Lo is just like, "I am disappointed in you and we are done here." In a sweet way, but also, Paris. It wasn't going to happen even if it happened. In your sueños, lady.
Other cuts, I don't know these people, one of them has a relative that might be Agatha Christie. Janelle gets cut, which is too bad, but not really that bad because who even knows these people. And at least one of the Gutierrez Blowjob Bros. They keep showing the same Agatha Christie girl, she looks cartoonish and funny and squashed in her hat. She looks like a Gashlycrumb Tiny.
Fuckin' Ashley is still up there looking like a hurricane after a coke binge, and everybody in her group kind of has a hooker thing happening but none of them as bad as Ashley. They sing that song about the hit 'em up style and ways to get revenge for love-type crimes. At the end they all throw money in the air. Ashley, seriously, you need to work it out. You look like you're this close to going through the garbage. Please do not put her through. Please do not put her through... Nope, all four of them get through. Send her back to the inpatient home or whoever is in charge of her care. Send them back to the grossery store.
The little kids that have their mommies there, the mommies are still bossing them like they are the bosses of them. Durbin's crew is still bitching about the mommies, which bums me out because he's so, so pretty and that is so, so ugly. Just do your best, JD.
There's some awful harmonies, and half of them forget the words, and also there's another stealth hottie name of John Jordan they've snuck into this group as well, but whatever. Durbin wails at the end and it's just about annoying but still very pretty and controlled -- and out in the audience Jacqueline sits between Rob and the ex -- and still the mommies watch and wait. J. Lo calls their harmonies sub-par Glee, and then John Jordan and the Emma girl (whom J. Lo said would be eaten alive) and the whole group except for JD and a fellow named Caleb are cut.
But instead of finding out what that's like, let's listen to the mommies for like a million years talking about nothing, just nothing at all. Then the little children sing and the stage moms are creeps and the best one is Deandre, who is also the hottest one. Everybody goes crazy at the conclusion of their song, and everybody cries and can't believe how amazing they are, including them, and the whole time the stage moms are pretty convinced this is something mostly to do with them.
4 PM. It's going to get hairy, I can feel it. This is when the crying arguments with God usually start. The girls are just propping Rob against things and laughing about how clueless he is, because he's so sleep-deprived, and Jacqueline is joking about tasering him and it's all too real. I am worried about Rob, to be honest.
Inside, some cute boy is reading the lyrics off his hand -- "Oh! CHEATER!" J. Lo shouts delightedly -- and Corey Levoy of the just-discovered sister that I loved so much, J. Lo loves him too and just like with Paris she's like, "Fucking eye contact! Pull it together! I want you to succeed! Be better!" He refuses. He will not be better. The rest of them, I don't really recognize, because I loved Corey so much, he is the coolest, but he's not doing great right now.
Steven Tyler calls the cute boy out for cheating and J. Lo with tears in her throat tells them it was the worst thing they have ever heard and that they have to take into account the past, and they put through Corey and the girl, and Corey asks why after that horrible performance he is still safe, Randy gets angry at him and thinks about pulling a Simon and reversing their decision, but Corey thinks better of this question and runs away, and it's geeky and awkward and I don't think we'll have Corey for much longer.
The group includes Lara Johnston, Julie Zorrilla, Casey Abrams -- all of whom I already liked -- and also two other people including a sort of a Ron Weasley that we'll never see again, sadly. Casey and Julie go through, which is good but I think Lara should have had a shot.
The group does the same song ("Get Ready") also a capella, but they have the total hotness of Matthew Nuss and Naima Adepapo, plus this heretofore timebomb of talent, Jacob Lusk, that they do this incredibly amazing thing at the end to showcase him, and it's beautiful. The group gets through, and that is good because they are all awesome.
Carson Higgins has a slight case of bitchface but I think it'll be okay. His group also includes Chris Medina and a bunch of other fairly familiar-looking folks. Caleb Hawley is a dreamboat, Devyn Rush is as per a touch less annoying than she should be, Chris Medina is a charmer, Carson Higgins I don't understand what he's doing. Is he being funny? Is this a character that he is doing, or actual Carson? It's confusing. Then Devyn goes home and everybody else gets through.
Does Devyn throw insanity at this situation? Yes. Desperation and delusion and crazy talk? Appeals to like Idol Court or some kind of loophole nobody's ever discovered? Suddenly bursting into tears slash climbing into Caleb's shirt with him? All of these things.
Steven Tyler + the phrase "comic relief" = instant bleep-bloop.
Clint Junebug is still trying to justify kicking Jacee loose, like but little does he understand that Jacee gets to be in Sugar Mama & The Babies now with Brett. The opposite of a problem. A Denise, a Stevie, a Natalie, these are the Mamas. And then Brett gets up there and does his whole Brett thing which Steven loves, and then Jacee gives an understated and nervous but very, very cute little performance.
We talk about how Jacee got kicked out at random and thus had no time to learn the lyrics of their Sugar Mama song, which he's never heard because he is a baby, an infant, and then guess what? The whole group goes through, thank goodness, and the way he cries made me feel very homesick for a second. What a good kid. Brett is of course kicking up his heels and jumping about, and then Ryan grabs Jacee with both hands and refuses to let go, because of course Jacee is his favorite thing that ever happened.
Then the evil group that sandbagged Jacee -- Scotty, Junebug, two hipster girls -- tries to explain themselves. Junebug is not actually very in-the-wrong about this, and he explains himself pretty well, but as an object lesson in the pandering that will shortly become their raison d'etre it's fairly effective. Scotty, for example, assumes control of the spin and tells the auditorium that he loves all of them and would like to apologize for his part in the kicking-out of old Jacee, because he is the best kid in the whole competition.
Finally J. Lo grants them some small amount of absolution, and then they do their number. And it's great, because they put Scotty at the middle of it, and build these insane harmonies that are like ghostly mermaid voices and not even just singing. I think Clint Jun Gamboa should do this for a living, arranging, because it's freaking amazing. Even Rob out in the audience is jolted awake by the amazing noises of them. Steven dicks Clint around for a second by putting everybody through but him and J. Lo is like, "Come on, Jun. You knew."
Meanwhile Scott has just lost the plot. Between all the activities and things happening, always happening, and then the situation with Jacee, he's just wandering around crying at this point. "I have never felt like this before," he says: He doesn't know what is going on. What's going on is, you're sleep-deprived and it's Group Night and it was designed to break you. Even you, Scott. And while you are not broken I can see that you might as well be broken because of the small amount of crazy that you have gone.
The girls are still being mean to Rob and he's not helping at all, and the dynamics of it all are very sad and awful, and then we see Rob out of it, leaning his face on things, and unable to learn the words of the "Fuck You" song. Chelsee is awesome first, she's interesting because Rob is so the focus but I do want to know more about her, she's mysterious. Then Jacqueline, I don't know what she's doing but it sounds shitty and also maybe she says bad words. Then Rob just... Tanks that motherfucker. I mean, I don't even want to talk about it. If J. Lo is embarrassed for you, fuck everything. You know? Out in the hallway, they are bitches to him some more, and it's sad but at least it's over. I will miss Rob more than most at this stage.
Tonight: Top 100 Solos for the Chair. Leather skirts, Gutierrez mysteries. Ashley being a fucking lunatic some more. Possibly somebody dies. Maybe somebody punches Clint Jun Gamboa for being the new Nadia Turner. We get to know Colton better, presumably, and lose at least half of the people before heading to Las Vegas. The only place grosser than this show.