Previously: I used to slightly care. Tonight: Another eight sing and throw attitude, and the two who got the most airtime a month ago will be voted to the finals. Hope I didn't give anything away.
Credits. If you play the theme song backwards, you'll dream about the City of Gugs.
Ryan "Pretty Boy Floyd" Seacrest greats us from atop of the Seal of Tsathoggua, wearing another shirt with a pattern designed by blind people with palsy. He makes some big deal of the fact that apparently his microphone wasn't working for part of the live results show last week, rendering him mute to millions of lucky East Coasters. I, unfortunately, got to hear every idiotic word. Ryan introduces Simon "I Love To Hate You" Cowell by claiming Simon has brought vanity "to a whole new level." A level that's still about twenty stories below yours, Ryan. Then Ryan walks behind the judges' table and holds a hand over Simon's mouth when he introduces Paula "Plastic" Abdul. And also so that Simon can get a taste of Ryan's sweet boyflesh to tide him over until the two of them get home. Simon asks Ryan if he's wearing perfume. Ryan asks Simon if he's wearing lipstick. It's obvious that the answer to both questions is yes. Oh, and Randy "Giant" Jackson is there, too. Ryan pulls out a $100 bill and says he'll give it to Randy if he can go the entire night without saying "dude," "dog," or "man." Paula and Simon join in with money of their own. Randy agrees, then immediately slips and says "dog." Heh. Oops. There goes his Twinkie money.
Ryan reminds us of the winners, as well as the blah blah blah text-message-cakes, as he heads over to Pimp Central to introduce the kids and their friends and families. He makes a joke about validating parking to one of the family members, who totally rolls his eyes at him. I'm wondering if it was even an accident that Ryan's mic was turned off.
Anyway, the first contestant tonight is Sylvia Chibiliti, 19, who has total drag queen hair and make-up. She's got blonde streaks in her long hair and eye shadow all the way up to her eyebrows. In her interview, she tells us she's from Sacramento but lived in Africa for eight years. Sylvia's the one who blew the lyrics in the group performances and burst into tears. Man, those group performances totally didn't matter, did they? It's entirely for the purpose of creating drama. She tells us that it's her "goal" in music to be a "diva." Uch. If you have to call yourself a diva, then you're not. Also, the label of "diva" isn't a goal; it's a consequence of…oh, never mind. In conclusion: Not!
Sylvia hits the Seal wearing a frilly pink camisole and a black miniskirt. Her song selection is "Didn't We Almost Have It All?" Or rather, "Didn't We Almost Sing The Last Syllable Of Each Word?" Or "Didn't We Almost Complete Our Enunciation Lessons?" Oh, my. I'm not going to belabor all the Eddie Murphy/Buckwheat jokes that everybody's already made on the forums, but there is a verse where I simply can't make out a single word she's singing. She'll never open the Seal of Tsathoggua with that poor enunciation. Some of those chants have some pretty complicated words. Although I think she did accidentally sing "R'lyeh" instead of "rise." That's a good start.
Judges. Randy asks Sylvia if she was nervous. She says she wasn't -- she was feeling good and "feeling [her] thong." "Thong"? Simon repeats this statement, and Sylvia clarifies that she meant "song." I want to hear Sylvia pronounce her own last name. Randy says that Sylvia was okay, but her "pronunciations" were "throwing [him] off." Paula tells Sylvia that she's pretty and has a nice voice, but she oversang the song. Simon agrees with the others; he compares Sylvia's performance to a ventriloquist's dummy and says she opened her mouth too wide and overemphasized the song. Or something. I'm not even quite sure what he's saying. The words "speech lessons" don't come out of anybody's mouth, though they clearly should. Sylvia begs to diffah. Simon insists that she watch the tape and watch her mouth. Randy repeats the whole "pronunciations were off" thing. Just tell her you couldn't understand what she was singing.
Sylvia heads back to Pimp Central, plops down on the sofa, and declares to the camera, "I don't think Simon's ever been to a black church." Girl, please. I've been to one black church in my life, way out in the sticks of South Carolina, and there were eight-year-olds there who could have sung you off the stage. Ryan asks her if she understood what the judges were trying to say. No. Of course not. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. You know, I've made my peace with Married By America. You see, if we fix up all these fame whores with each other, then it reduces the likelihood that any normal human being might accidentally become involved with them. It's like one of those mass Moonie weddings. ["Yes, but then…THEY BREED." -- Sars]
When we return, it's time for Chip Days, 22, from Atlanta. Apparently, in the initial auditions everybody liked his voice, but thought his performance was "corny." We see clips of him making all sorts of hand gestures -- that must be what they meant. He tells us that he's going to prove that he's not corny.
Chip hits the Seal wearing an unremarkable black and gray sweater and jeans. He has chosen Donnie Hathaway's "A Song For You" to perform. He has a good voice, but he's back with the arm gestures. He waves his left arm around in front of him, miming telling a blackjack dealer to stand. He licks his lips repeatedly during the performance and beetles his brows. Maybe he's got a fourteen and the dealer is showing a nine, and he's not sure of the odds that the dealer will bust? He gets some desert landscapes as a background. They need to drop the location shots and just stick with the abstract patterns. They're much less cheesy and distracting. Overall: Good, but not exciting.
Judges. Simon starts off by calling Chip's sweater ugly, and says that Chip looked like he was in so much pain at the end that it reminded him of what he might have looked like in the dentist's chair. But he thinks Chip sang better than Rickey Smith. But he thinks Rickey has more "personality" than Chip. No, Rickey has more "impersonations," not "personality." Simon says Chip acted like he just happened to stop by and decided that he'd sing. Paula loves Simon's voice and song selection. Randy says he liked Chip's singing, but didn't see any emotion in his performance.
Chip heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan asks him about the whole personality thing. Chip wonders if he has to do the whole "Hercules! Hercules!" thing to prove he has a personality. Please don't. The last thing I want is two listen to two guys doing that. Chip insists to us that he does have a personality. Of course, we might know that if they had actually shown him during the audition rounds. Funny how it's the ones we never get to know that are always the ones accused of being blah. I think the judges are projecting the "personality" they see in the audition rounds onto the actual performances. Did Ruben's performance have any more personality than Chip's? I don't think so. Chip's mom and an unidentified friend bring over some flowers from his family and supporters back in Atlanta and South Carolina. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is not Frenchie Davis, or, as she probably prefers to be called, "Juanita Barber." You may remember Juanita as the girl who danced for Rickey in his Glendale auditions. Or you may remember her as the one who collapsed melodramatically to the floor like a bad soap opera actress when she was cut at the end. Or you may remember her for being the one who looks like she had hair extensions drilled into her skull. Or, following this performance, you may end up remembering her for other reasons. In her interview, she tells us she's unemployed because she lost her job for coming to do the show. She blathers on about fashion and tells us she found something great to wear, but wants it to be a surprise.
And what a surprise it is, in a sort of "you just accidentally tracked dog poo through your living room" sense. She heads out to the Seal wearing a black and white, diagonally striped, one-sleeved blouse and a black skirt with a slanted hemline, along with one of those ugly black neck flowers. She's here to sing Yolanda Adams's "What About The Children?" Juanita's worried about the children, you know. She's worried that they aren't exposed to enough awful singing. You see, if kids are exposed to a lot of bad singing, they'll better appreciate the good singing when they hear it. So really, Juanita really is doing the youth of America a favor by coming out here and singing melodramatically and wretchedly out of tune. Juanita gets a pretty meadow straight out of any allergy medication ad as a background, reminding us that there is prettiness in the world, even if it isn't being showcased at all tonight.
Judges. Paula diplomatically repeats her comments to Sylvia that Juanita oversang the song. Simon tells Juanita that it wasn't good, and she goes from zero to "full-on attitude" in .3 seconds. He tells her she chose the wrong song. She says she thinks America chose the wrong judge. First of all, what the hell? Oh, she must be referring to that [product-placed wireless service] poll from last week. Second of all, did she forget that America is voting in this round, too? She's too stupid to realize that she just insulted the people voting on the show, not Simon. Juanita demands, "How is it the wrong song? I'm singing this song to America and I'm asking them, 'What about the children?' How is that the wrong song?" Because you're the one singing it. Simon snarks that America won't hear the message because they have their fingers in their ears. Juanita insists that Simon doesn't know what he's talking about. Randy chimes in, telling her that it was a good song, but Juanita just didn't perform it well. He starts to explain what he didn't like, and then Juanita starts mocking him like she's eleven years old, repeating the stuff he's saying in a sneering voice and telling him he doesn't know what he's talking about either. Tsathoggua sighs in disappointment, because "What About The Children?" is totally the song that opens the Seal, because evil loves irony. But because Juanita was such an awful singer, she never hit any of the correct notes and the Seal remains closed. The people in Pimp Central cheer, because there's no harm in supporting a contestant who has absolutely no chance in hell of moving on to the round. Randy asks why she thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about, and asks if she knows who he is. She spits back, "Do you know who I am?" Yes, you're not Frenchie Davis. She insists that she can sing and that she made it this far. No, you didn't. Damn the internet and all its cheap porn! Damn you! Oh, I'm just kidding. I could never live without all the cheap porn. I'll always love you, internet porn! Juanita bitchily insists that they don't know who she is and that she hopes they all find out. Yes, she'll soon be known as the one who got the least number of votes of any semifinalist.
Back in Pimp Central, Juanita plops down on the swirl couch, and Simon introduces us to her Jerry Springer-esque family: her mother-in-law, her boyfriend, and her aunt. Mom-in-law insists that Juanita "pooed it off." I'd put a [sic] in there, but I think that turned out to be a pretty accurate assessment, even if that's not what she meant. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Patrick Lake and his spiked wristband and devil horns, which apparently take the place of actually sounding like a rock singer. He's as much rock as Nikki McKibbin was, which is to say, not very much at all. In an interview, he tells us he's from Athens, Georgia, which is full of aspiring alt-rockers. He tells us that he thinks he's bringing a little bit of rock and roll to the competition. I agree on the "little" part. He makes devil horns everywhere. It's like he's an actor in a beer commercial pretending that he's a rocker. He brings a mike stand in with him to the auditions so he can clutch it and look all rock-like when he sings. Oh, he's such a poser. You don't need props to be a good rocker. Simon tells him that he has a good voice, but doesn't think he'll fit in with the competition. Patrick immediately drops the rock charade to show his range and obligingly sings "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head" for Simon. I bet you six months ago Patrick looked just like Niles Crane.
Patrick hits the Seal with his shiny black shirt and pants and his devil horns to sing "When I See You Smile." Well, if you're going to insist on singing rock, that's a good choice for this round. His voice is blah. He actually has less of an edge to his voice than Nikki did. He stares creepily directly into the camera, and he has this weird pseudo-sneer on his face that's just not appropriate for this particular rock song. And I think he has a lazy eye. His left eye is sort of half-closed for most of the performance. For some reason, I visualize this guy as a character on Undeclared. Rachel starts dating Patrick because she thinks he's an edgy rocker, and then he turns out to be this clingy, schmoopy dork who embarrasses her by singing to her just like this at a karaoke bar. Dude, stop staring directly into the camera like that! You're creeping me out! And stop with the damned devil horns!
Judges. Randy says that Patrick sounded very good in the auditions, but he just wasn't feeling it tonight. He thought Patrick wasn't really into it and wasn't rock enough. Patrick whines about having to just do rock with a piano. Well, it's not like they promised you a band and then sprung the piano on you. It's your own fault. And actually, the piano was fine for that song. The problem was you. Paula agrees with Randy. Simon tells Patrick that he thinks it was a mistake bringing him to the semifinals. He explains that if they had actually arranged the show for rock singers instead of pop singers, Patrick wouldn't even have made it through. A big "word" to that. I haven't heard Simon that coherent all season. He goes on to refer to Patrick as a "sheep in wolf's clothing," meaning that he's a poser. Patrick insists that he's not, but if he were a real rocker, he'd be over the table and kicking Simon's ass by now. I'm kidding. Not all rockers are violent. Please don't find me and kill me! Patrick thwaps his chest and insists that rock and roll is in there. I roll my eyes. That creepily earnest expression never leaves his face. I see the folks that built R.J. and Lou are trying to make a rock prototype. Good luck with that. Patrick insists that rock and roll is part of the whole American Idol continuum. Maybe when it's good. He tells them all to "keep rocking," flashes the devil horns about fifteen more times, and heads back to Pimp Central.
The minute he heads back there, Patrick's sister melodramatically rushes over to him to give him a hug, like he's a hostage at a bank robbery who has just been freed. Patrick insists that the judges don't know rock and roll. Neither do you. Shut up. Patrick and his sister sit down to Ryan, and Patrick explains that Sis forced him to go audition. He whines some more about the piano and says that it doesn't have the punch (which he emphasizes by punching the palm of his hand) to really rock out. Whatever. Watch MTV Unplugged much? If you've got it, you've got it. Schroeder could be playing the harp and you could rock out. You don't have it. And for that matter, if there had been a full band, it would have drowned your bland little voice right out. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. Patrick gives several devil horns to the camera and affixes us with a look that he thinks is cool, but reminds me of Seth Green's "cool" looks as a boy-band member in Josie and the Pussycats.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Nasheka, whom we can probably safely write off because of the one-name curse. Nasheka, 19, from New York, tells us that when she landed the spot in the semifinals, she immediately started working with vocal coaches. In a rehearsal, Debra praises her for doing her "homework." She hopes we'll vote for her. Most boring intro ever.
Nasheka hits the Seal in a black see-through off-the-shoulder blouse and a black mini-skirt the size of a hand towel. Then she sings "Open My Heart," which is a song directed to God. She got herself all tarted up to sing to God. Her voice is okay, but not particularly remarkable. She sings better than any of the other women so far. But so does Roseanne. All in all, it's another meh performance.
Judges. Randy says Nasheka sounded good but really didn't do much by way of performance. He calls her presentation "stoic." Paula agrees with Randy's assessment and recalls that she told Nasheka something similar in Glendale. Simon says that Nasheka has a nice voice, but then starts comparing her to Tamyra Gray and blathers on that she could have sung the song and made it work, but it wasn't right for Nasheka. Simon concludes that he hopes Nasheka does do well in the competition, but her song choice was just wrong. It's too "old" for her, in the sense that a more mature performer would have known not to dress up like a hooker to sing a song to God. Nasheka says that she and Tamyra have very different voices, so it's not right to compare them. Oh, whatever. I'm a unique snowflake and nobody sounds just like me! Their voices weren't that different. Tamyra had a better range and more power and control. In other words, they have different voices because Tamyra's is better than Nasheka's. Simon sarcastically comments, "I take it all back. You sounded fantastic." The idiot kids in Pimp Central treat this comment as though he meant it and applaud. Morons. All of them.
Nasheka heads back to Pimp Central and plops down to Ryan. She blathers some more about the comparison. She says that they sound nothing alike, and you can't call somebody better than somebody else if they sound nothing alike. Let's see -- who sounds better, Tori Amos or Carrot Top? They sound nothing alike, so clearly you can't say that Tori Amos is a better singer than Carrot Top. Shut up, Nasheka. Tamyra's better than you. Nyah! Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes.
up is Lance Cpl. Joshua Gracin and the giant gimmick that stands in the place of actual talent. Gracin tells us he was "ragged on" at the base for saluting Simon, even though he's a civilian and British. You mean I was right about not saluting civilians? Cool. We see a shot of his cute li'l kid. Awwwwww. He says he hopes we vote for him, because if you don't, Bill O'Reilly is going to call you a traitor on FOX News Network.
Joshua heads to the Seal in an untucked black shirt and jeans, along with some hideous medallion necklace. He's singing "I'll Be," and I am really growing to hate that song. Joshua certainly doesn't make me like it any more, what with him singing with his head tilted to the side and pronouncing "wonderful" as "wunnerful." Actually, he reminds me more of Nikki than Patrick did. He sounds okay until he gets to a held note, and then he just sounds awful. He hits a note that's wrong, and then he slides up a step and he's still wrong, and then he slides down to another note and is wrong yet again. His entire upper body is tilted slightly to the right. Ruben made "don't take my baby away!" arm gestures; Joshua is making "hang on just one moment, please" hand gestures. It's like he's trying to say, "I want to talk, but let me just finish this verse first." He also cuts off some final consonants, just like Sylvia did. His last line is, "I'll be the greatest fan of your lie."
Judges. Time for undeserved tongue-bathing, round one. Randy thinks Joshua was perfect. Simon points out that Joshua's gotten a lot of publicity. Ah, that's why all the praise. They've got a gimmick that works and will sell albums. They don't even really care how mediocre he sounds. Simon asks Joshua what will happen if he gets called away for duty. Joshua responds that the show's ratings will go through the roof. Oh, that was me. Joshua says that he's a Marine first, meaning that he would go. Not that he would have a choice. The Marines don't care if you personally place them first in your list of priorities; if you're a Marine, they're more than happy to stick it there for you. They applaud his answer, as if he had any say in this whatsoever. Like there was a chance he would have responded, "No, I'm going to go AWOL to stay in the competition and end up serving five years in military prison before getting a dishonorable discharge." Simon says that it just "looks right" having Joshua standing there on the American Idol seal. Whatever. Rupert Murdoch and the show's producers probably masturbate to this performance and Simon's subsequent comments. Paula tells Joshua that Edwin McCain would be proud of Joshua's performance, unlike those boys who butchered "I'll Be" in the "Best Of The Worst" special.
Joshua heads back to Pimp Central. No time for much chatter. Joshua's family is happy. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. We get another [product-placed cola] clip show of the kids interacting with the press. Only on the fourth round and already recycling bits? How sad. Juanita acts like the camera whore that she is. Patrick throws out devil horns left and right. Meh. Sylvia does a bunch of "I'm Fifty!" kicks and warns Simon that "those are [her] weapons." Oh, I don't know -- your singing did a lot of damage, too.
Commercials. Domino's is the official pizza of NASCAR. Insert joke about the bad delivery drivers here.
When we return, it's time for Ashley Hartman, a very pretty blonde young woman. Oh wait, she's only seventeen. She looks like she's twenty-five. She reminds me of a friend of mine from college. She was this inhumanly beautiful young woman from Belgium. A bunch of us went out to a club once and never got carded, even though I was the only one of legal drinking age. She was our front person. She was so pretty that nobody even bothered checking her ID. Normally, I'd hate people who can get away with that, but she was a total sweetheart. Uh, anyway, Ashley worried that her little black dress and lace-up boots were too revealing, but they went with the song, so she kept them. She tells us that the first concert she ever went to was Paula Abdul, so she hopes she makes us proud. Wait a minute, Paula was popular when I was Ashley's age. That can't be right. Unless she went when she was four or something. Kiss-ass.
Ashley hits the seal in the aforementioned black dress that laces up in the back and the black knee boots. She has chosen "Touch Me In The Morning" to sing. Talk about bad comparisons to Tamyra Gray. She's got that extremely shrill, baby-doll voice, and it just doesn't serve this song at all. She sounds breathy and really, really unpleasant. It's not that she can't sing at all or anything like that. She's better than Juanita. It's just that her voice is so high that she makes this song painful to listen to. I'm sure there are probably good songs for her, but this isn't one of them.
Judges. Randy tells Ashley that she's gorgeous, but stumbles around the idea of actually saying that her voice hurts. Paula tells her that she's very sexy and the camera loves her. She doesn't say anything about the girl's voice. Sometimes I feel bad for Simon, because he's the one stuck telling the bad people that they're bad when Randy and Paula don't have the balls to do it. But then he acts like an asshole and I forget all about that. Simon says that when Ashley first started singing, he thought that she sounded like somebody who should be performing on a cruise ship. As she continued singing, he started visualizing the ship sinking. Ow. Anyway, she wasn't good. Paula recommends that Ashley get into acting because she's so pretty. Okay, if being pretty isn't enough to make her a music star, what makes you think it's enough to make her a successful actor? Oh, never mind.
Ashley heads back to Pimp Central and sits down to Ryan, holding back tears. Ashley says that she's heard the "you're pretty, but…" line before. Ryan says there are worse things, like being pretty and having rumors that you slept with Merv Griffin to get where you are today hanging over your head. Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes in the tone of voice you might use to send your regrets to the family of the deceased.
Commercials. You know, it would be funny if video sales of The Ring bombed because of the whole concept behind the movie.
Our final contestant for this evening is Shut Up. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's just a reflex. Our final contestant is Shut Up. I mean, "Corey Clark." Man, it's hard to control that instinct. Corey has a towel with him because he's sweating a lot. Ew! Thanks for sharing. Ryan then picks up Corey's towel and ew ew ew ew! He sniffs it! Ewwwww! Man, Ryan, are you that hard up? In his interview, Corey reminds us all that he sucks and needs to shut up and go away. Also, he partied in Glendale with two other guys and almost got booted, but they needed a reason to keep using those clips in the show, so they kept him and booted the other two. He tells us he won't forget the words this time, but he may surprise us. See my comment about surprises earlier in the recap.
Corey heads out to the Seal in a white shirt that is half unbuttoned -- exposing a chest as unappealing as the rest of him -- and black jeans. He's going to sing Journey's "Foolish Heart" to kiss Randy's ass this time. Aaaand it's the return of the ski dancing. He stands there in the middle of the seal and sways from side to side. His voice is just as nasal a tenor as it's always been. He starts caressing his own torso in the middle of the song. He cuts off the held notes too soon, and the ones that he holds sound awful. Awkward stage presence, bad singing, creepy hand gestures -- it stinks worse than that towel Ryan sniffed.
So of course the judges love it. Paula and Randy give him a fucking standing ovation. Am I still in the same universe? Is it going to start raining doughnuts? He was wretched! Randy name-drops the Journey thing. Paula says Corey blew her away. Yeah, it made me consider suicide, too. Oh, she meant that it a good way. Randy and Paula both insist that Corey was in tune. Yeah, in the key of "dog whistle." Simon says that Corey put him in a good mood, and the whole show tonight put him in a good mood. Whatever. I didn't hear a single quality performance. Not one. Oh, and Simon thinks the finals will be more "exciting" if Corey and Joshua make it. Well, I suppose in the sense that I'll be looking forward to Corey's eventual ejection. He mentions the other finalists, including "the Kimberlys," even though only one has been voted to the finals so far, so you can interpret that any way you like. Paula tells Corey that he redeemed himself after his behavior in Glendale. Whatever. You guys like him so much, then sign him to the label now, so he can get off my television immediately and reduce the amount of time it will be before he disappears from pop culture entirely, never to be heard from again. Corey even gets a hug from Paula and handshakes from Randy and Simon before heading back to Pimp Central.
Back in Pimp Central, Corey gets a hug from his parents before plopping down to Ryan. Ryan tells him that he "makes it seem so easy." God, that's like on the top ten list of ass-licking star interview questions: "How do you make it look so easy?" Corey responds toolishly that he's comfortable with being who he is. Shut up, Corey. After some "jokes" about Corey never going out on the town at night ever again, Ryan gives the blah blah blah text-message-cakes. After a recap of tonight's performances (Shut up, Sylvia! And Juanita! And Patrick! And Ashley! And Corey!), Ryan declares the phone lines open. America rushes to pick up the phone -- to, I assume, order a pizza.
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer reminds us that he's terribly melodramatic. Amusingly, he says, "Find out who's through, and who's history." Of course, he means "through to the finals," but for some reason I just twigged on to the fact that, in most contexts, both sides of that statement would mean the same thing.
Credits. Ryan greets us from atop the seal wearing a yellow-orange shirt that has "Beauty qualifies me" spelled on the front in iron-on letters. That may be true, but fashion disqualifies him again, so he's back where he started. Wherever that may be. Oh, right -- acting like a tool. It looks as though he's wearing the shirt inside-out and it spells something else on the other side. I can't make it out, unfortunately. Sorry. It's "USA [something something] TEAM." Ryan heads over to the judges, and they all toss around the slang "bling-bling" a million times to remind us that they're all still living in the year 2000. That explains their bad taste in pop music.
Ryan reminds us all that the parents are back again before introducing the kids. And without much ado, they get into a clip show. I was so glad throughout most of this show that there was so little padding. The reason why becomes clear at the end. So we get the clip show of the performers singing poorly and Simon criticizing them. And then the kids acting like idiots. Shut up, Corey.
After the clip show, Ryan calls over to Juanita to see if she's got any melodrama left. Sadly, she seems to have run out, or perhaps realized that she can't compete with Melodramatic Announcer. She says she loves Simon, but disagrees with his opinion of her. Simon says that he loves being abused by women. Whoops, there goes that G rating. I bet you they get yelled at after every live show about this. Ryan brings up Simon's comments to Patrick about him being a big fake. Patrick, who is wearing a red-orange velvet shirt, insists that it's just Simon's opinion, and Simon's wrong. Ryan idiotically asks Patrick if he would change his look and style if they asked. Patrick says he won't, and everybody applauds him. Of course, that had absolutely nothing to do with the comments last night. They were telling him that he wasn't rock enough. They weren't trying to "pop-ify" him or anything like that. And who was it who gamely went along with Simon's request to sing a cheesy pop song if it would get him to the round? Why, I believe it was you, Patrick, you big phony. Shut up, Patrick. Ryan brings up some rumor that Patrick wanted to slit Simon's tires. Patrick quickly insists that it wasn't him, because he wouldn't want anybody to think he's actually edgy or anything. Nobody will admit to saying it. It was probably Juanita. For some unknown reason (well, there's an attempt at a reason, but it's utterly incomprehensible to any working brain), Ryan has Nasheka take a cough drop out of her mouth and hand it over to him. Then, Ryan non-sequiturs into a crack about the lights causing the Botox in Simon's forehead to melt. Oh, excuse me -- who was in all the gossip papers recently over a rumor that producers ordered him not to get any more Botox injections because he showed up at work with a paralyzed face? Why, I believe it was you, Ryan. Shut up. Then Ryan sends us off to commercials as he puts Nasheka's cough drop in his mouth. What is with all the disgustingness? Is Ryan going after Joe Rogan's gig?
Commercials. When we return, Ryan pimps a poll on the official site to vote on which poster you like best for Justin and Kelly's new movie. I'm partial to the one with "on video" stamped on it. Now for the judges' comments and the final three revelations. Ryan goes all over the place this time to thwart the whole thing about the kids on the edge of the couch knowing they probably made it. Nasheka had a nice voice, but nobody cared -- she's not in the top three. The judges loved Joshua, even though he was boring, but America approves of boring -- he's in the top three. Ashley was beautiful but wretched -- she's not in the top three. Corey sucked and needed to shut up, but the judges and voters loved him -- he's in the top three. Gah. Corey's wearing a pumpkin with a brown knit cozy over it on his head, which we get a close view of because he refuses to hold his head up. Shut up, Corey's hat. So the two people know that they aren't in the final three -- that would be Sylvia and Juanita. Sadly, Juanita doesn't react to the news. Maybe somebody sedated her? That leaves Chip and Patrick. Ryan tortures Chip by handing him over the card to read what it says. And, of course, the card says we'll find out after the commercials. Evil.
When we return, Ryan says stupid things to Joshua and Corey. I said there would be less padding! Be less! Eventually he spits out that Patrick is the third member of the top three. Funny, the only three contestants in this round to get profiled during the auditions made it to the stools. Interesting how that works out. We get the judges' predictions from last night. All three of them picked Josh and Corey. Ryan asks them if this is the first time they all agreed and got it right. I don't think he slipped and gave away the end there. I think he was just referring to the fact that both of them made it to the top three. And they were also right in the second round, I believe.
Anyway, time to reveal the first winner. Ryan says the guy with the highest number of votes (and the editor in me crosses out "highest" and replaces it with "greatest") is Joshua. Mmmmm…delicious ratings. Josh hugs Corey and shakes Patrick's hand. He gets to sing this time. Poor Vanessa was the only one who lost out on that because of the Joe Millionaire crap. Joshua sings "I'll Be" for a while and stand up straight! He'd get latrine duty if he stood around like that at his job. His singing is still mediocre.
Commercials. When we return, Ryan reminds us all about the wild card round week, and asks Simon how they picked who would compete. Simon folds his arms in front of him and says, "I don't want to fuck any of the women that America has selected so far, so I'm changing the rules." They went back and picked some PYTs they had previously rejected out of Glendale, and mixed them in with the ones they selected from the semifinal rounds. Then he tells us that there's a "twist." But apparently, this is not the twist that the official site then spilled the very morning. That twist, if you haven't heard, is that they're bumping up the number of finalists to twelve, guaranteeing me probably two more weeks of blah. Thanks ever so much. There's another twist besides this, but they've managed to keep it under wraps so far. I'm not getting my hopes up that it will actually make me care.
Anyway, time to reveal the second finalist chosen tonight. It's Corey. Shut up, Corey. Shut up, Corey's hat. Lift your head up! On second thought, never mind. The hat doesn't fill me with rage.
Before having Corey sing again (and I was filled with hope that they'd run out of time), Ryan reveals who they've selected to compete in the wild card round: Aliceyn Cooney, Janine "Dueling Girlfriends" Falsone, Olivia "Who?" Mojica, Carmen "Blonde Quota" Rasmusen, in addition to Kimberly Caldwell, Trenyce, Clay Aiken from the rounds. Equoia can go suck it, I guess. Ryan asks if they have anybody to add from the fourth round. The judges pretended that they just worked this out, even though they probably knew since yesterday, and hand a card to Ryan. He heads over to the kids and eventually spits out that Chip Days is coming back for the wild card round. And then it turns out that there's a second person selected for the wild card. No, it's not Patrick, even though he came in third place. It's Nasheka. Who knows, maybe she or Trenyce can break the one-name curse?
We conclude on a sour note. Several, actually, as Corey sings again. I'm hoping the twist week involves making his testicles descend. Ew, I just mentioned Corey's testicles. Shut up, me.