Tuesday. So the Seal of Tsathoggua is intact, but apparently removed from its original foundation as it's no longer serving its purpose, and appears to be raised a bit to serve as a real stage. This has been done so the singers will be visible over the live crowd that has been added to the show. They've got this whole "theater in the round" thing going on, making me fear that one of the contestants will spontaneously break out in a wistful monologue where she tilts her head to the side and stares into the stage lights as she talks about how she stopped believing in God when her father died in a mining accident.
Ryan "Caligula" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal, along with tonight's eight semi-finalists. Ryan's collar fetish is back. His black shirt practically has wings around the neck. He tells us that from now on, we decide who moves on. And by "we," he actually means "everybody whose musical tastes you can't stand." The pressure is on! Yes, I know! I'm trying to come up with a new gimmick! Stop reminding me!
Credits. See, the transgendered terminator is heading up to San Francisco so that it can get a license to marry itself. I had to work in a joke about that. The other possibility was something about Ryan ending up on Page Six after showing up at San Francisco City Hall with a newly single Ken. That's the real reason for the break-up. Ryan, you home-wrecker.
Ryan greets us back on the Seal to explain to us everything about the show that we already know. Thanks. We'll be choosing two contestants from each round of four. Then we'll have the wild card round. Ryan warns us that they can bring back anybody from any stage of the auditions. The way things went with the wild cards last year, I wouldn't be surprised if they started some sort of musical draft and started forcing good singers who never even auditioned to appear on the show. Ryan reminds us that we could possibly see William Hung again, and does a piss-poor attempt to mimic William's performance. Jimmy Fallon did it better on Saturday Night Live, and when Fallon is funnier than you are, you should take it as a sign that you're really not very funny.
Ryan shows off the "new set," which really doesn't seem that different from last year's, other than the audience. It's still very small. In fact, the small audience makes it look even more like karaoke, except without the wonderful booze. Ryan heads over and introduces us to the judges, Randy "Do Something" Jackson, Paula "Freak Like Me" Abdul, and Simon "Jesus for a Day" Cowell.
As Ryan heads over to introduce us to the kids in the refurbished Pimp Central, we catch a glimpse of a small house band lurking in an alcove in the back of the room. They're never introduced to us, so I've christened them The Great Unknown. Michael Orland is in the group, so I can't even call him Schroeder anymore. Can't I keep any of my gimmicks? Oh, if you're wondering what the (Eeeeeeee!) is up to, it's currently possessed by OutKast.
So Ryan heads into Pimp Central where the kids are all waiting. The only real change in the room is that there are now three swirl couches. And they seem swirlier than ever. I'm really surprised [product-placed cola company] isn't trying to sell these things at Pier One or something. Ryan plops down on a couch and asks the kids if they're ready. They are.
Diana Degarmo, the Pretty Pink Princess of the Kingdom of Cutesy-poo, is up first. Yes, she's wearing a pink jacket. She's also wearing a tiny black miniskirt which should be against the law on somebody who is sixteen years old. Whoa, did it just get Mom in here, or is it just me? Her little profile reminds us that she's young and she's pink and she's cute and she's young and pink and cute. We're reminded that Simon (and Miss Alli) can't stand the whole "cutesy" pageant girl routine Diana puts on. Diana doesn't bug me as much as she probably should. I get some sort of vibe from her that indicates to me that, in ten years, she's going to realize how ridiculous she is right now and will be terribly embarrassed. Particularly with her obsession with pink and black. I don't know why I get that vibe from her -- I just do.
Diana heads out to the Seal to sing "I Got the Music in Me." She's loud and she has a very strong, rich voice for somebody so young. But she's still. Too. Cute. It's like she's trying to be Dot from the Animaniacs. She's a little girl playing at being an adult, and while "I Got the Music in Me" doesn't have the kind of meaning to it that "Chain of Fools" did, it has a sort of ambitious defiance to it that is missing. Actually, the song should do well for some of contestants who have had a rougher go at this whole fame thing, but Diana has been too coddled in life to sell even this. Jennifer Hudson should have sung this song. Oh, and the embarrassingly awful background graphics are back. We harken all the way back to Season One with the silly point-of-view trip down the bridge of a guitar.
I just realized they have a bunch of PYTs sitting around the edge of the Seal watching the performances. That must be terribly uncomfortable. Maybe they're trying to lure Tsathoggua back? Good luck with that. Randy thinks Hawaii must be really proud of Diana right now. Paula thinks Diana had a great voice and "worked the audience like a pro." That's assuming your definition of "working the audience" includes pointing and shouting, "Come on!" Simon says Diana reminds him of when Christina Aguilera was nice. When the hell was that? When she was four? Is he talking about Christina's first single, where she writhed around on a beach and told us all to "rub [her] the right way"? Is that "nice"? Nobody really knows how to take Simon's statement, exactly. He adds that Diana has a superb voice. She thanks everybody and heads back to Pimp Central. Ryan tells us that she was all sweaty just before the performance. Oh, maybe that's where the Christina comparison came from. Ryan gives us the numbers to vote for Diana.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Marque Lynche, who has apparently paid for the extra vowels in his name with his shirt sleeves. Killer arms, though. He reminds us in interviews that he's a classically trained dancer. He shows off his biceps, and then a dragon tattoo on his muscular torso. He may not get to be in the finals, but this appearance is probably going to get him laid all over the place. Debra Byrd's still around, too, we see, as she tells Marque she's going to try to "un-Broadway" him. Oh, honey. You can take the boi out of the theater, but you will never, ever, ever take the theater out of the boi.
Marque heads to the stage in his sleeveless blue vest and black slacks to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings." See? Told you. I don't really know what to say about his performance other than "bad song choice." It doesn't matter how well you can sing; "Wind Beneath My Wings" is a perpetual member of the "Top Ten Songs That Should Never Be Sung, Ever Again, Not Just On This Competition, But Anywhere" list. His singing is meh. His voice is just too mild for a song like this. He can belt out notes, so he resorts to the typical vocal fluttering. Throughout the performances, we see shots of any family members of the contestants who may have showed up to give us a glimpse at the psychological influences that made some of these kids so desperate. Marque's brother and sister have come to watch him sing.
Judges. Randy says Marque sounds even better than he did in the first rounds of auditions. Paula agrees. Marque says maybe he sounds better because he's singing the song to his mom, who couldn't make it there. Simon snarks that it's sounding like a "Miss World" pageant, what with people doing it for their families and blah blah blah this is all supposed to be about sex and drugs. He thinks Marque sounded good, but worries that Marque picked the song because it was a "safe" choice. He liked Marque's song choices in rounds, but thinks he sort of "sold out" here. The audience boos. Marque says that he thinks it's more interesting to pick a song that wasn't necessarily meant for a voice like his. So did you pick the song for your mom or to show something different? Get your story straight, dude. Simon says that Marque sounded more "Broadway" than he has in the past. Marque heads back to Pimp Central with Ryan and tells him he didn't think he "sold out" because he was singing for his mom and it's a "great song." I had to put the quote marks there to keep me from having to set myself on fire. Ryan gives the number to vote for Marque.
up is Ashley Thomas. You know, I don't want to generalize over an entire name, but can anybody think of a single Ashley who isn't a bubbly blonde with big teeth and less personality than carrot cake? Except maybe Ashley Judd? Sorry to inform you, but our Ashley here isn't about to break the stereotype for girls who share her name. Ashley is wearing an Ashleyish pink top, with an Ashleyish denim miniskirt and an Ashleyish belt. You know, I'm turning "Ashley" into an adjective. When I say, "She's so Ashley," that means she's "hopelessly bouncy and cheerfully witless to the point of annoyance." Diana Degarmo is very Ashley, but she's not a blonde. Boys can be Ashley, but they have to be really gay. Marque was a bit Ashley, but not too much. In her profile, Ashley tells us she's a mortgage broker as she tries to convince us that there's anything remotely interesting about her. Probably shouldn't have led with the "mortgage broker." She's the one who insists that she's got so much spark she's going to set our televisions on fire, despite Simon's insistence otherwise. See? A total Ashley. She insists to us that she's a fun person, because she's so obviously not.
Ashley heads out to the Seal to sing "Crazy." That's a total Ashley song choice. Needless to say, Ashley witlessly misses the point of the song and beauty-pageants her way through it, as Ashleys tend to do. She actually has a pretty good voice, if she would decide to hold a note steady and not artificially add all the warbling and twanging. And maybe grow a soul. Have these people not lived life at all? I'm amazed that anybody over the age of twenty (Ashley's twenty-three) hasn't been around enough to connect to the feelings behind the song.
Judges. Randy says she was just "all right." He thought she was better the first time around. Paula says that Ashley was very good, but the competition is really tough this year. Translated into English, that means Paula thought Ashley wasn't very good. Simon says that it sounded like he was at a local rodeo and she was just crowned "prom queen." Uh…okay. I know some schools in the hinterlands are pretty small and rural, but I'm pretty sure none of them are so small that they have to combine the prom with the rodeo. The bulls would keep knocking over the punch bowl. They have rodeo queens, though. I know because I've been to a rodeo. Cowboys are hot. Sorry -- just had a total Ashley moment. Simon says that it sounded like the song she'd sing before she lassoed a bull. Okay, now I really want to hear more about Simon's high school prom. Because it sounds like it might have been fun. Ashley says that he liked it the last time she sang it. Simon says that Ashley is "just sweet -- the way Paula used to be." Which you used to mock her for, too. Ashley says she's going to take Simon's comments as a compliment, which is a total Ashley thing to do. She heads back to the swirl couch, where Ryan tries to get her to respond more to Simon's comments. She says she doesn't have to agree with what they said. Ryan gives out Ashley's number for us all to ignore. As he throws us to commercials, Ryan puts his hand on Marque's thigh. He did. I saw it.
Commercials. There's really nothing I can say about The Littlest Groom. FOX actually wants me to respond with horror, so I'll do the only thing I can think of that might infuriate them and ignore the show entirely.
up is Katie Webber, who is wearing a zebra-print teddy as an outfit. Katie is a blonde, perky cheerleader, but she's not an Ashley because she seems to have a certain level of self-awareness. In her profile, she tells us she's a dance major. She doesn't explain what the deal is with her messed-up nose. She looks as though she thought her nose was too big, so she just had the end of it lopped right off. In a sort of clueless revisionist history, she tells us that Simon gave her good comments in the auditions. They even show Simon's comments about how she was pretty and could even make it in the top ten. But they leave out the part where he told her that she won't win and is merely good, not great. Weird. She says she knows she has a "pop" look but is going to try a "jazz" number tonight to show her versatility.
And her song choice for tonight is "Orange-Colored Sky." Yes, this song used to be known as a jazz song. Also, a swastika used to be a symbol of good luck. One was ruined by the Nazis. The other was ruined by pageant queens and Kathie Lee Gifford. And blonde, bouncy, smiling Katie isn't exactly reclaiming the song for jazz, either. Maybe she is a bit Ashley after all. And honestly, can you really have a lot of respect for a jazz song that has the word "alakazam" in it? I'm just sayin' -- Nat King Cole has done better.
Judges. Randy says he thought Katie sounds better than she did in the past. He also liked the seizure-like moves she did along with the exclamations in the chorus. Paula says Katie looks great and has a personality, but wishes she had picked a different song. Simon uses a lengthy Lost In Translation reference (which I haven't seen because I live in the middle of nowhere) to say that Katie reminded him of a bar singer in the film. The audience boos. Katie says she doesn't feel like she's in a bar. Yeah, nobody's throwing bottles at her. Simon points out that the woman managed a movie role, so Katie shouldn't knock it. Katie blathers that she picked a song that would be fun for her. And she's wearing a cute dress! She points out the dress. I take it back. Katie's a total Ashley. Katie heads back to Pimp Central, and Ryan gives us her numbers (36C). Ryan makes a stupid, predictable Janet Jackson joke before sending us to commercials.
Good god, you'd think Ryan Seacrest had landed the Pope on his stupid syndicated show, not Britney Spears.
When we return, it's time for Erskine Walcott. I'm very disappointed that nobody mentions that he must have lost his entire wardrobe in a tragic fire, because I don't see any other reason why we've gone from "burgundy pimp daddy" in Pasadena to "bowling alley employee" here. He's wearing a nondescript blue shirt and jeans. He's got a towel hanging out of his back pocket. He's gotten rid of the cornrows and cut his hair short. In an interview, he wears more boring clothes as he tells us he likes to dance (badly, it seems) and says he changed his style. Yeah, we noticed. Oh, and he's a "family man," which for some reason means that he cried during the rehearsals. Because of all the passion of the song he was singing.
And that song is…"Open Arms," by Journey. Snerk. Hee. "Open Arms" made him cry! That's so Smurfy! He comes out to the Seal and starts off wretchedly off-key. After a few lines he manages to find it, but the rest of the performance is very bland. The only thing that would have made it remarkable would be if he started crying during this performance.
Judges. Randy points out that he was in Journey, and also points out that Erskine hits some bad notes. But Randy thought he was good. He rambles on forever and nobody knows what he's talking about. Paula says that Erskine is "real." She's very emphatic that Erskine is real. She must be having hallucinations again and is trying to find something solid to anchor her perceptions on. Simon thinks that Erskine also picked a "safe" song and it's turning the show all bland. He says that the performance was a bit like Chinese food -- you love it, but you're hungry for more later. Yeah, so you eat more Chinese food! What? I like Chinese food, okay? Erskine says he picked the song because it conveyed the emotions he wanted to sing about. About being here. With open arms. Simon says they were looking for "spaghetti bolognaise," but Erskine was "sweet-and-sour chicken." Ew. Personally I think spaghetti is blander than any Chinese dish. Erskine heads back to Ryan, who brings up the comparison and asks Erskine what he "was trying to serve." Erskine says he was trying to "serve up anybody who was hungry." Wait, does that make him a musical slut or something? See, when somebody makes a nonsensical metaphor, perhaps it's best to just ignore it entirely. Ryan gives Erskine's digits.
up is Jennifer Hudson, who apparently cries every time Marque performs. Jeez, he's not that bad. Ryan explains that these are "tears of joy," but doesn't feel the need to explain what the hell this means. Instead, we get her profile, where she reminds us that she worked on a cruise ship and wore a space suit at the Pasadena auditions.
Jennifer heads out to the Seal wearing the top half of a white power suit and the bottom half of a go-go dancer's outfit. She's going to sing "Imagine." I cringe. She's not awful, but this is the rendition that Ruben Studdard sang last season, and I still hate them for turning such a simple, elegant song into a festival of melodramatic warbling. You don't go Whitney Houstoning your way through a John Lennon song. I mean, really.
Judges. Randy says she was good and "very spirited," but thinks she's done better. Paula says it was a very nice performance. Jennifer is starting to cry. Oy. I wanted twice-cooked pork, and she gave me raw onions and kimchee. Simon says that he thought Jennifer was great tonight, because she sang something different and the audience really liked it. She interrupts the compliments (idiot) to ask Simon what he thinks about her look. He says he likes the "leather nurse" look. Hee. That's a good description, too. Jennifer heads back to Pimp Central, where Ryan asks her what she was getting all emotional about. She's so happy that she gets to sing for us on the television that she just can't keep from crying. Man, she's going to have the most interesting concerts if she makes it in the industry. It'll be like if Tammy Faye were a pop star. Ryan gives us the numbers to vote for Li'l Crybaby.
Commercials. When we return, it's time for Matthew Metzger, who some folks think is really cute, and some folks don't. I fall on the kinda, sorta cute side. I wouldn't kick him out of bed. Unless he started singing. He's slim and tall with wavy brown hair and sideburns. He tells us he's a substitute teacher and brought lots of clothes with him in the event he makes it. Including leather pants. I don't think he's a leather pants kind of guy. He'll look silly. He tells us he made it to the final forty-eight last year but got cut at the end. This year he's bound and determined to make it to the final twelve. He says this will be his year.
He heads out to the Seal in a non-descript black t-shirt and jeans. He's going to sing "Walking in Memphis," a song that I normally shouldn't like, yet inexplicably do. The original version, I mean. Matthew's version is all breathy and soulless. He's never eaten catfish. He's never listened to gospel. He really doesn't have a prayer. I ordered a homemade pot pie and fried okra, and he's giving me Burger King. He makes these exaggerated facial expressions that are supposed to be him feeling the music, but since he's not feeling the music, it makes him look like he's got a sharp rock in his shoe. Somebody on the forums compared him to Scott Stapp, and I'd have to agree.
Judges. Randy tells Matthew that he's a good-looking guy, but his singing just isn't on par with the others. Paula disagrees, because she wants to sleep with Matthew, and therefore he's a good singer. Simon says that Matthew is good-looking and had good stage presence. He says that Matthew reminds him a bit of Clay last year, except he takes "bigger steps." I…I don't know. I think Simon might have taken Paula's pills tonight. Between that and the Chinese food reference, I'm just lost. Bigger steps as in broader gestures, perhaps? Is he saying that Matthew's performances are even more exaggerated than Clay's? And is he saying this is a good thing? Matthew heads back to Ryan, so the two of them can have an exaggerated smile-off and talk about how nice Matthew is. Ryan gives us the numbers to call for Matt.
Time for pointless filler and non-interviews for their [product-placed cola] moments. Ryan asks them all if they think the judging is fair. I will pay any of the remaining finalists $100 if they turn to Ryan when he asks the same damned question for the thirtieth time and say, "Dude, will you come up with something new to say?" Seriously. I think it's too late for group two, but groups three and four? A hundred dollars. On the line. Katie blathers that she thinks the judges could come up with something bad to say about anybody. Ryan points out to Ashley that they weren't "easy" on her when she sang, which he already asked her about not twenty minutes ago, right after she performed. Jesus H. Roman. Ashley blathers about how they gave their honest opinions and she has no chance and nobody cares what she thinks. Nobody ever cares what Ashleys think. So how does Fantasia Barrino feel? She says she's okay and Simon better not say anything mean about her or she'll probably shriek so loud the cameras will shatter. But we'll have to wait until after the commercials to find out.
When we return from commercials, it kind of looks like Ryan and Matt have been getting to know each other better during the break. Ryan pulls himself out of Matt's personal space to intrude upon Fantasia's. She's our last performer tonight. For some unknown reason, Fantasia has this very sharp demarcation around her hairline. It makes it look like her close-cropped hairstyle was actually sewn on. It's Frankenidol. They decided that if they can't get the contestants that they want, they'll just build them. And they called them mad at Arista! Bwah ha ha! Fantasia is either entertainingly outspoken or extremely tiresome, depending on how you feel about her singing. She reminds us that the judges compared her sound to Macy Gray's, except that she wants to differentiate herself from her. The problem though, is that she sounds just like Macy Gray. Even when she's talking. It's not an affectation. It's genuinely how she sounds, and I don't see exactly what she can do about it.
Fantasia heads to the Seal wearing a brown, black, and white patterned sundress. She has chosen Bonnie Raitt's "Something to Talk About" to sing. It would be a brilliant choice to differentiate her style from Macy Gray's. Except for the unfortunate detail that she ends up sounding like Macy Gray covering Bonnie Raitt's song. She tosses in a few unnecessary "h" sounds, turning "something" into "shumthing." I can't be too critical, considering how the overenunciation by some singers gets to me. Overall, I think Fantasia's okay. She doesn't bug me as much as she bugs some others, but after suffering through last season, it will take a lot worse to annoy me through singing. Plus I'm just in a better mood this week for some undefined reason.
Judges. Randy declares that "this is what the competition is all about." He amusingly finds Fantasia's voice "unique." Come on, Macy's not totally out of the picture yet! Paula declares that this season must have Fantasia as a part of it, because she doesn't want to be the only one to see the dancing ostriches anymore. Simon tells Fantasia that he doesn't think she even needs the American Idol contest to become a music star. She's just destined to succeed. ["Ladies and gentlemen, the kiss of death." -- Sars] She heads back to Pimp Central, doing some little dance when she walks in. Ryan asks her what it was. She calls it a "bobo." Ryan and Matthew joke with each other about it, because neither of them has any soul or could dance if somebody put a gun to their heads. Ryan gives us Fantasia's digits.
Following another recap of all the performances, Ryan sends us off to vote, and I realize I still haven't figured out a gimmick for this season. Maybe I've jumped the shark?
Wednesday. Melodramatic Announcer is back! Yaaay! Sadly, he's not particularly melodramatic this evening, simply pointing out that the eight kids, who are again standing on the Seal in darkness, sang last night, but only two will move on.
Credits. The kids have all retired to the Sofas of Despair, still located stage-right of the Seal, as Ryan comes out to greet the crowd. He wears a bland black suit and reminds us of what Melodramatic Announcer just said, but with more words, because it's a thirty-minute show to read two names and we all know how it goes.
Ryan introduces us to the judges again. He jokes that Simon is winning a Grammy Award for "Lifetime Achievement in Music While Wearing the Same Shirt." Of course, last night Simon was wearing a white shirt, and tonight he's wearing a gray one. But nice try, there. Paula starts rubbing Simon's chest, because she's a loony. Ryan introduces her and reminds us all that she won a Grammy. Unlike Ruben. And Kelly. Heh. Finally, Ryan points out that Randy has been losing weight. Let's hear it for solving our life problems through elective surgery! Woooooo! Ryan points out that as Randy is slimming down, Simon seems to be expanding. "Rather like your head," is Simon's response to Ryan. The audience goes, "Ooooh!"
Ryan heads over to introduce all the kids to us, one by one, because they've got time to burn. Marque is wearing a black turtleneck sweater and leather baseball cap, turned a little off-kilter. Just like Marque. Erskine is dressed like Mr. Rogers. Diana is not wearing pink. Shocking! Katie is showing off her cleavage. Not shocking! The friends and family of the kids are all sequestered in Pimp Central, just in case they start getting all Texas Cheerleader Mom.
Ryan tells us that 11.5 million votes were cast last night, dashing my hopes that the show really would lose its luster this season. Darn it. Anyway, now is the time where they clip-montage their way through Tuesday's performances. I didn't notice Ashley's pink choker the first time. That's a total Ashley accessory. There isn't any notable revisionist history, other than Ryan's narration claiming that Matthew "lit up the cameras" with his dull performance.
After the clip show, Ryan chats up the contestants. What did Marque's absent mom think of his performance? He says she was crying and was happy for him, because really, what else would she say? Does Katie still feel confident about her song choice? She says she is. Ryan asks Fantasia about a rumor that she finds Simon attractive. She says that she does. A jealous Ryan pretends that he thinks Fantasia has vision problems. Stay away from his man, Fantasia! He'll cut you!
The judges are doing their predictions again this year. In video taped Tuesday night, all three judges predict that Fantasia and Diana will get the most votes. But will they be right? We'll find out after the break, Ryan says. Of course, he means "after the three breaks," but we all knew that.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to start destroying dreams. Ryan will pull the three top vote-getters out to the drinking fountain stools (they had those on World Idol, too -- did they get them wholesale?), while the others remain on the Sofas of Despair. Marque was okay and had nice arms, but isn't one of the top three. Nobody gave a flying damn about Ashley, and she's not in the top three, and we'll probably never see her again if we're lucky. Fantasia was loud and energetic, but America liked it, so she's in the top three. She's wearing a bathrobe as a blouse, and a pair of jeans. She heads down to sit in one of the drinking fountains. Erskine was bleah and nobody cared. He's not in the top three. Diana was loud and energetic. Well, it worked once, so why not twice? Diana's in the top three. Poor Katie knows she's not in because they haven't gotten to Matthew and Jennifer yet. But nobody can take away her cleavage! So that leaves Matthew and Jennifer. Ryan goes through both of their critiques. Matthew reacts exaggeratedly when he discovers he has to wait for Jennifer's critique to find out. He's lucky there isn't a commercial break first. Ryan repeats both their names a million times, making it a bit confusing as to who was actually in the top three. It's Matthew. Jennifer claps mildly while killing billions of innocent air molecules with her stark death glare. Well, at least she's not crying.
Really reaching for a way to make the judges look like they didn't perfectly predict what was going to happen, Ryan asks them all why they didn't pick Matthew. Because they only got two votes each, dipshit? Both their guesses were right. Neither Simon nor Paula is surprised that Matthew is in the third chair. Randy still doesn't think Matthew is a good enough singer. Randy's "all about the girls," he says. You don't have to go rubbing it in Ryan's face, you jerk. Don't make us come take over your city hall.
Commercials. When we return, it's time to reveal the top finalist. It's Fantasia, with 23.2% of the vote. I'm surprised they indicated the percentage. I wonder if they're going to do that throughout the competition. I doubt it. You don't want any of the contestants feeling too comfortable. Fantasia shimmies and bounces her way through another rendition of "Something to Talk About." The audience cheers. People clap. Ryan asks her how she feels. She's happy and loves us all. We love you, too, Fantasia! Oh wait. Apparently we don't. Some of us, anyway. Sorry.
That leaves Matt and Diana. Of course, there's going to be a commercial break. The audience groans like they didn't know this was going to happen.
When we return, it's time to announce the second finalist. But Ryan fucks with their heads again by listing the contestants for week first. They are: Lisa Leuschner, Kara Master, Briana I-Changed-My-Last-Name, Matthew Rose Bowl, Jesus and Noel Roman, Marisa I-Changed-My-Last-Name-Too, and Camile Velasco.
So now that they've dragged it out as much as they can, Ryan announces that Diana is the second finalist. I asked for veal marsala and got macaroni and cheese. Matthew trudges back to the Sofas of Despair to pray for a chance at the wild card with the others. Ryan asks her a stupid question about how it feels to be on that emotional rollercoaster of having the show fuck with your head. Diana says that "there are no words," because it would be impolitic to point out that they're only messing with her to fill out the show. And how did she feel coming in? She felt confident, but worried that people might not like her. But they did. So woo! That's a quote: "So woo!" Ryan points out that the Diana is the youngest competitor in the semi-finals.
Ryan calls Fantasia back onto the Seal to celebrate, and he reminds us again how the show works. Diana sings us all out, and I swear she shouts the "come on!" orders to the audience at the exact same point as when she first performed. Ah, scripted spontaneity. Yet another hallmark of pop music.