The Top Four don't actually visit home, there's just this long thing of how that happens every year. How even Danny Gokey had people who were excited to see him, when he came home. This is set to that song about how it hurts Puff Daddy's feelings how his abandoned, illegitimate children have somehow managed to go on living even when he's not around. Which, I'm sure that's way too harsh, but when I think about being his kid, I just think, "You're such a narcissist that even if I'm super happy to see you, it would be funnier to act like it's no big thing, because that would fuck with your soul."
Ryan seems distracted, but beautiful, like that weird part at the beginning of Great Gatsby where the couch is floating around. Lauren is wearing a ridiculous dress like an old-timey hooker would wear, while Haley is rocking some kind of disco look. Durbin's wearing something or another, his kinds of things, and Scotty is wearing a look of boredom because there's still weeks left until he finally wins.
The theme is Leiber & Stoller again, and then the other song will have the theme of "Songs."
WHEN KURT ENDS UP WITH KAROFSKY YOU PEOPLE ARE GONNA SHIT
Durbin has chosen "Don't Stop Believin'," because -- as he informs us in the cynically sincere prepackage -- he has not. Then he sings the song in exactly that way: A like a sexily stumbling drunk, wearing Steve Perry black tails and a Journey t-shirt, who has not given up his beliefs. Which honestly, that is a costume that precisely says, "I stick to my convictions," you know? "I believe that wrestling is real."
It's fine, it's very Durbin, it sounds exactly like listening to that song while looking at James Durbin, which are like two of the best activities.
Tyler: "Randy, you were in Journey for five seconds!"
Jackson: "I was hoping I wouldn't have to bring that up myself."
Lopez: "I like how predictable your performances are. Predictably awesome I mean!"
Jackson: "I was in Journey for five seconds, but Steven Tyler was in Aerosmith for seven hundred years! I don't know whose ass to kiss, so I'm going to give equal props to everybody. Every end of a sentence is the opportunity for another modifier about how everybody is so talented."
Seacrest: "That's how I would have done it. Good call."
Jackson: "Wait, wait! I forgot to address James or his performance!"
Seacrest: "We stopped listening so quickly after the Journey thing came up that you might as well just roll with it."
HALEY BECOMES AN ASSHOLE FOR A MINUTE
After the break, Durbin twitches us all into a coma with his excitement. He seems like he's drunk, like, 4-Loko drunk. Like one sip away from the orange dragon, when everybody's faces turn into dog faces around you and you realize you need to go home.
Seacrest: "As horrible as it may feel to think about, Steven Tyler's little book is on some bestseller list somewhere."
Haley sings something called, I think, "The Earth Song." That's what inspires her in the way that Journey inspires Durbin. I think she mentions the Killing Fields in this song, which is intriguing, but it's also one of her worst performances. She sounds like she's about to start crying, the goat-voice of "I really mean this, you guys," and but then the song makes no sense, too.
It seems to be linking a lost romance to climate change? I don't think I'm wrong about this.
Then a whole choir of many races comes out to shriek and scream along and she has an emotional breakdown and -- still sounding worse than she ever has -- attempts to finally just send her vocal chords spiraling out into the crowd like bloodsoaked streamers for the party in her heart.
Casey Abrams cheers for her, with a knowing grin about how of course they cut to him at this point, because at least the producers in the booth are still fighting for her.
Lopez: "I could feel your feeling in the song. But see, Durbin did a great job technically like usual, and it was an incredibly commercial song. And then you sang this song, which may or may not have a message, but is definitely a song that nobody has ever heard."
Lopez, awesomely: "That is part of competing, okay?"
Like a big sister. One of her coolest moments, actually, all season.
Jackson: "Yeah, you were just screaming this shitty song and it wasn't even pretty? So what are you thinking?"
Haley: "Technically speaking, I can sing higher than that."
Stupid Audience: "YAY!"
Jackson: "Right, but you... Didn't."
Haley: "Randy Jackson, I shit on you."
Tyler: "Me too! Don't listen to him! The crowd is booing, and I need them to like me!"
Haley: "Yeah! Fuck both of them!"
Tyler: "I'm not even trying to sabotage you, is how incompetent I am!"
Audience: "We don't really understand what is going on here!"
Seacrest: "So, basically Tyler has just fucked the entire thing up."
Lopez: "I guess so. But listen to the words, Haley, that we are actually saying -- not the idiotic nonsense Steven Tyler is handing you. It is not a complicated directive to say, 'Sing a song people like,' nor is it a mind-boggling piece of advice to say, 'Sing prettier time.' Tyler is disagreeing based on his neediness and it has nothing to do with you, what he is saying. What we are saying is actually helpful. Just listen, please."
Haley: "Oh, I think not."
Jackson: "Or you could use your brain to listen and make your own decisions."
Haley: "I made it to the Top Four doing the opposite of that, so..."
Jackson & Lopez: "Okay, you know what? Fuckin' do whatever you want."
It's weird, but I kind of want her to fuck up her second song now. I mean, how horrible that she's the only respectable person left and I want her to be eliminated, but that was just some bullshit. I would also like Steven Tyler to be run over by a Ford Focus.
NOW: THE GROSSEST THING YOU WILL EVER SEE IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE
Tomorrow night, what we are not going to be watching or even talking about is Steven Tyler's new video. If you're wondering where that part of tomorrow's recap went, it is here. It is here in the present, telling you from the future past that you will never ever see it.
Audience: Shitting themselves.
Seacrest: "I hear the screaming of the girls, all day long now."
Scotty: "They're just so happy that somebody just like them has finally made it this far. Unlike every year, where things get so intellectual at this stage."
Seacrest: "Scott, say some downhome shit that will make people cheer and feel the hot white America spurting all over their faces and running down into their eyes and mouths."
Scott: "[So very much of that. Sweet tea, kissing the grass, the KKK, whatever it takes.]"
Scott, verbatim and not even a little sincere: "Tonight I'm sangin' '[Boomhauer]' by Alan Jackson, and I'm sangin' the song because these lyrics mean so much to me, as an American, but I think they also speak to everybody out there in the country. So for me to be able to get on that stage and connect to all those people at one time, it's just goin' to be a great, great experience."
I mean, could not be more rehearsed. You can actually see him looking at the cue-card, and I still have no idea what the... Ohhhh, shit. Oh shit! Is this that song about the World Trade Center? YES! Yes it is. THAT IS AWESOME.
I am now totally Team Scotty. That is it. That is it!
Rarely have I ever seen something so slick, so grotesquely calculated, in all the years of doing this. Colonel KLC: Amateur. Danny Gokey: Noble Savage. God bless the motherfucking USA, you guys. Thank God Osama bin Laden died, and all those people on 9/11, so that Scotty McCreary could win a TV game show. It's all worth it now.
And the best part is, he was already going to win. This is just, like, pissing on us. In the endzone. I love this so, so much. "You are my bitches, now." With the twang and the pretend-tears like he even remembers that day and the fiddle and the oh, the just majestic classiness of it all. It's just this gorgeous collection of words that don't even go together, like "I'm just a singer of simple songs/ Keep your politics out of my family values/ I love Jesus/ I talk to God/ We go to church together/ And eat apple pie/ Iraq and Iran and Sunni and Shiite and OJ Simpson/ I can't wait to get married/ American flags/ Mommies."
Jesus Christ shows up and they both strap on flak jackets and head into the Afghanistan compound and before you know it: The killshot. Jesus and Scott high-five over the body of Communism and Nancy Pelosi and then go after illegal immigrants and draw a bunch of cartoons of Allah sucking dicks and then when that's done, they go into hospitals checking everybody's credit and then once all the poor people have died, they go ahead and stake out some abortion clinics and states where dudes can marry each other, and Sarah Palin's Twitter is burning up the internet so fast it's illiterate and but the best part is, the whole time Jesus Christ is just like, "Oh My Me, Scotty McCreary. You are the coolest. You're like GI Joe, crossed with a singer of simple songs. I wish I was as cool as you." And Scotty just kind of winks at him with that grin of his like, "Jesus Christ, it's okay. You're cool enough just the way you are, and I love you."
Jesus, we've pretty much always gotten along, but now I'm saying: I am totally with You, and of course vice versa: Scotty McCreary just became my hero.
Jackson: "Ditto."
Tyler, verbatim: "Ditto."
ibid.: "Also, I love how you almost cried for America, I should once again encourage that.
Lopez: "I just feel lucky to see you doing this. And by 'this' I mean pulling a stunt so fucking cynical I couldn't pull it off straight-faced with the help of Glenn Beck himself."
Seacrest: "[You know what, I never thought he was gay until just now. I still don't, but something very gay just happened in his talking.]"
HAVE THE GIRLS STOPPED SCREAMING, CLARICE?
Ew! Casey standing to Paul. Why do that? Why would you do that? Why let Old McDonald talk? I miss you so much, Casey. I don't even... I miss that kid.
Lauren is inspired by some Martina McBride, so hopefully it will be about raped crippled children setting people on fire, like most Martina McBride songs... Nope! SWEET! Tonight is so epic.
Lauren: "Not to be outdone, in terms of whoring, Ah would like to dedicate this song to the hurricane or tornado or whatever that recently chewed up Alabama. Ah cain't use the internet so Ah don't know how many people died, but Ah got my fingers crossed."
ibid., verbatim: "I think it's really important for people to know that it's okay to rebuild their lives and have faith and just keep going no matter how hard the situation is."
These People: "Wait, Lauren Alaina -- the illiterate child dressed like a hooker at the Moulin Rouge -- says it's actually okay to rebuild our lives? Hand me my pants."
Actual fucking lyrics of this song: "God is Great/ But sometimes life ain't good."
I AM JUST DUMBSTRUCK BY THIS EPISODE
Just so amazed. This is what happens when Simon leaves. This shit right here. You know what I mean? He would not fucking stand for any of this. He would say, "You are ruining this franchise by pulling shit like this. You two tiny motherfuckers have just officially moved our show into the trailer park. Well done, whores." And half of America would be like, Yeah, I'm glad he said something and the other half would spit out their chaw to holler about how he don't know what the hell he's talking about.
Jackson & Lopez: Just bobbin' their heads along, thanking her silently for permission to have faith and just keep going no matter how hard the situation is.
Tyler: "This shit works on me. I actually think you sang better than you did, because of what you sang. The one qualification for this show, and I do not have it."
Seacrest: "Good job, Lauren. You made me feel really authentic to myself."
Lauren: "I cain't even tell you what that song means to me."
Seacrest: "Okay, sure."
Lauren: "No I mean I cain't. I have no idea. I am bullshit from the top of my head to my stupid shoes."
Seacrest: "Still not a question."
Lauren: "I just know that anybody who has ever had a bad thing happen."
Seacrest: "Still not an answer. Nor is it a sentence."
America: "We are well past all that, Ryan!"
THIS SEASON STARTED WITH BRETT LOEWENSTERN, YOU GUYS
Here's what I know about Leiber & Stoller, besides the Brill Building facts: "Jailhouse Rock" is secretly about doing it gay-style, and they wrote "Is That All There Is?," which is not really a song in any way, but I still like it. Also, they taught Phil Spector to murder women, and were -- not many people know this -- the inspiration for Leopold & Loeb.
Seacrest: "Randy, why are you being so mean?"
Lopez: Slaps him; is not actually kidding as much as you wish she was.
But first, let's learn all about Lady Gaga because she's really under the radar and you might not have had her shoved down your throat on a near-constant basis for the last fifty years. Love her, like her music just fine, hate the conversation about her. We already know everything there is to know about Lady Gaga. We have all the information. We require no more information about Lady Gaga, as a culture.
Also, I had this dream that Lady Gaga was involved in some kind of a Farmville scheme, like somebody on her team accidentally signed a contract and she had to be like, "This is a great opportunity for both brands" and I just thought that was so funny, but it turns out that no, I was actually reading the Gawker in the middle of the night and this is totally true. So when somebody brought it up I got weirded, because it was like, "Are my dreams coming true now?" Because a Lady Gaga Farmville game is, you know, pretty specific. And while some of my dreams -- Fistfight With Kirstie Alley, Brad Goreski In A Flight Suit, First Day Teaching At Parsons, Wedding Tim Gunn -- would probably work out for everybody, this Gaga Farmville thing just sounds dangerous. So it's a good thing that I'm just back to sleep-browsing the internet for celebrity news, and not turning magic in some way.
"I Who Have Nothing" will be Haley's song. She feels a connection to Gaga, and I feel she's not wrong, because the song gets old Gaga crying by the end.
GAGA IS WEARING BY THE WAY
Gaga is wearing, by the way, a white wig with black bangs and layers, a rubber shirt as a dress, an entire Zales black-velvet security case of what looks like toenail clippers as a dickie, and eight-inch stripper Muglers -- Right? I don't know shoes very well -- purple chalkdust instead of eyebrows, a bunch of random crap stuck to her face. Like I said, I really like her and her music too, but my God just the idea of walking out the house like that makes me feel like such an asshole. And it's only hypothetical! The reality would be so much more embarrassing.
Bemused: "Hey, Tiger, what is it that you're wearing?"
Self-Loathing: "Essentially my desperate need for attention. But on the outside."
Curious: "Oh, I meant like the designer."
Suicidal: "Haus of Gaga x James St. James."
Rueful: "Because you know, you look kind of like a jackass."
Straight-Up: "Look, I started this mess three years ago and now I am a captive of my brand. If I went out looking like a human person, people would say I looked ugly and worn-out. Once the bubble pops, I'll go away somewhere and learn how to be a person for the first time. I will eat in Italy and pray in India and then learn to love in Bali and you know what, I think I will come back frankly a little in love with myself."
Unsure: "Wasn't that always the case?"
Sigh: "Look at me. Do you really think overly high self-esteem is my main issue?"
Also, this:
Anybody: "Don't you think it's kind of cynical the way she courts gay money?"
Defensive: "No! Shut up! We have supported her, of course she loves us the most! We understand each other! She's practically gay!"
Well, but: "That's just sort of something art-school girls tell themselves in order to get around their bourgeois ambivalence with their own bodies."
Defensive: "No! She told Barbara Walters she kissed a girl one time!"
Sure thing: "And she was clearly lying. Hypothetical bisexuality is the refuge of every Wannabe Honorary Gay chick that ever read a Francesca Lia Block novel and can't find her own fight, and every asexual nerd who thinks polyamory is feminist and/or will fix him."
Defensive: "Sexuality is wildly complicated! It couldn't possibly be a marketing ploy!"
See: "That's what I don't get. Why are you so upset about this? Why do you have to be so definitive, and screechy about it? Can't it just be a smart marketing ploy that goes with good music and a really great message? Can't it be both?"
Defensive: "NO! Because I love her and I'm much smarter than most people! Especially other gay guys, that's like my whole personality! Therefore, I am not buying into anything! Even if they are! Because I know what's really going on!"
DRAMA
So anyway, I don't know about this song, but Iovine and Gaga want her to do something crazy and sing it like a crazy person, so maybe it'll be good. Gaga gives Haley all these bizarre weird notes about acting like you're losing your mind. It seems dumb for like one second, but then it starts up and the wailing comes along and you realize that probably this is going to be the balls-out awesomest thing that's going to happen all night. Other than the Scotty/Lauren thing, of course.
Definitely the most vagina we've seen all night. Nice dress, actually, it's just beautiful. She yeah, there's like an entire chamber orchestra up onstage with her, and the crowd starts losing their shit like immediately, and she does these hilarious movements with her arms, and tries to look like she's losing her mind in the middle of the song, and seriously makes like she's going to run through the audience getting her stab on, and it's...
Pretty fucking fabulous. That Gaga can take five bucks and make you think the world is ending, can't she?
I thought it couldn't get better after watching Lauren and Scotty take turns on America's dick, but that was pretty spectacular.
Lopez, like five times: "Look what you're capable of!"
Everybody: "I know, right? Haley, please."
Jackson: "You got mad and shitty a minute ago; thinking maybe that helped."
Everybody on Earth, per Randy, is often: In it to Win it.
Tyler, as usual remembering things nobody else remembers: "I knew this would happen. This is just what I was saying would happen."
Haley: "You know, I haven't really learned anything from this experience tonight."
SPECULUM OF THE OTHER AMERICA
Seacrest: "Up , I think Lady Gaga is going to molest Scotty. I have to say at least 28% heteronormative winky-wink BS like this each episode or Rupert Murdoch publishes certain photographs. I miss Stefano."
Scott: Uninterested in talking to Gaga at all.
Gaga: Loves him in exactly the right way, which is that she's noticed he's an evil genius; attempts to instruct him on basic microphone technique.
Scott: Is not hearing that mess.
Gaga: Just gets weirder on him, having realized he has enough Good Old Boy power in his slight frame that he can treat her like an entire school board of Good Old Boys.
Iovine: "Yeah, like why wouldn't they get along?"
Gaga: "Frankly, I was offended by how rude he was."
America: "Not us! Xenophobia and a marked disinterest in anything outside of the two-foot shack he calls a wheelhouse is why we love him!"
Scotty: Fucking kisses his crucifix to get the gay off him; it's an ugly little moment.
Scotty will be singing "Youngblood," which if you've ever heard Scotty sing, that's what it's like. It's totally creepy and weird and he makes scary possessed faces and doing that gay dance that dudes do when they're making fun of the idea of dancing, and he doesn't even need to do this second song anyway, so fuck it. Bleep-bloop.
Jackson: "So, you and Gaga. Kind of a bloodbath."
Scotty: "I'll pray for that whore. Not that it will help."
Tyler, verbatim, unconnected to any part of reality: "Dude, you made Gaga's ya-ya go la-la! How did you do that?"
Short Answer: "Um, in no way did he do that."
Long Answer: "Essentially what you're saying is that you needed Scott's help to sexually dehumanize Lady Gaga. You'd never do it yourself, like usual, because that would make you gay, but by praising the young stud for doing something he didn't actually do, we all get to join the Good Old Boy network and call her a slut together. Well done, you total loser."
Lopez: "You already won this show, just stick with it. Just keep doing the inane, gross shtick you always do, and you'll be cool."
I miss Simon so much. So much, you guys. I want to call him on the phone and just talk it out. I want to rest my head against his chest and just be tired for a few minutes.
Seacrest: "We've covered this exhaustively, but were you flirting with Lady Gaga?"
Scotty: "I am so ignorant and irrelevant -- except in the weird backwater of this show -- that I still haven't nailed down her gender. Therefore I cannot answer that question."
Seacrest: "Somebody's bluuuuushing!"
Scott: "I can't even tell what you're doing. What's happening right now."
Oh, Ryan. Sometimes you're like this, but sometimes you're like this. I love you either way, because it's not about that, but good Lord it's hard to handle all of this happening at once without you bringing your special Wonderwall powers to bear on things.
At some point, the simulacrum will just break in half, you have to realize it. We're not all jaded/located in Los Angeles; at some point it's possible to fill the Matrix with so much static and noise that you'll crash the servers. Scotty accomplished a fair part of this task just in the last hour. And you do realize that, I think, but you can't stop leaning on it, up against it, like the Sears Tower in Ferris Bueller, just a little push now and then, with this idea that you want to see the world burn. But Ryan, you don't want the world to burn. We both know that.
SO JUST SMOKE MY CIGARETTE & HUSH
Lauren will be singing the Elvis song "Trouble," which you might recognize by the lyrics, which are basically saying "I'm eeeevil" -- and this is key to the rest of the story -- about one hundred million times.
Lauren: "Ah don't like the part where I say I'm evil in the sawng."
Iovine: "You're wrong."
Lauren: "No, Ah am the exact same person as mah audience. Trust me on this one."
Gaga: "First of all, you're sixteen. You're not a little girl. Have some fucking self-respect."
Iovine: Giggles rapaciously at this idea that a woman of Lauren's age could possible think harder than algebra.
Gaga: "And secondly, look at me. I could not have made it on this show, at your age or any age, because I'm self-conscious and consumed by the need to be interesting. You don't have those qualities, which works in your favor."
Lauren: "No, you're not hearing me. Ah'm not evil. If Ah say Ah'm evil, my fans will think that Ah am evil. You're giving them, and me, way too much credit."
Iovine: "Gaga relates to young women and their insecurities."
Ya: Don't say.
Iovine: "Look. Nothing is going to fix Lauren. She's an idiot, raised by idiots, for the delectation of a nation of idiots. But better Gaga than me."
Gaga: "You would not believe the amount of bullshit with the whole 'evil' thing. I have talked to crystal meth addicts with more critical reasoning skills than Lauren Alaina. While they were high, mind you, on crystal meth."
Lauren: "Okay. But y'all, Ah'm not evil. Okay?"
Gaga: "Fuckin'... Sure. Got it."
The only contestant in ten years to have actually gained weight over the course of the show grabs the closest gold lamé business suit and stretches it around herself like a sparkly golden sausage, and then runs around singing this song. And the stupidest part is, those dudes wrote like fifty billion songs. And so there was no point where Lauren was up against the wall and had to sing the song and somehow chose it before she noticed the majority of the lyrics of the song were the same phrase over and over.
And the really crummy part of that is: This is why we don't have Laurens or Scottys on this show. Because they cannot handle it. You cannot ask for the special treatment of pretending you are somewhere else. This is Idol, a show about the pop music industry. Los Angeles. Blowjobs and cocaine are the majority of what you're going to be dealing with. Go be on fucking Nashville Star, which was a Kmart knock-off made specifically for you so that we wouldn't have to Bubble-Boy your shit.
On the other hand, that's what this show has turned into, which is why Simon left when he did. So whatever. Freakin' Lauren Alaina. Rootin' for ya. Unless you're evil.
How is it? It's dumb.
How much does that matter? Zero point zero zero.
Judges: Whatever, just get there. Durbin, now. NOW. It's time.
HURRY UP PLEASE IT'S TIME
Lauren, after the break: "Ah'm not evil, y'all! I'm just here to have fun! I'm just doin' my best! Mah non-evil best!"
You know, I didn't hate too many kids when I was growing up. I'm unfailingly affable and compassionate, as we all know, and though some kinds of bullying seem really necessary to me, I don't get much of a kick out of it. But the only kids that I really felt the need to grind into dust were the dumb ones who would get all hysterical about like the satanic logos on household products, or like, Madonna, and go on and on, and like start crying about that stuff. God, I hated those kids.
Idiot: "My grandma says Proctor & Gamble is run by Satanists."
Lil' Jacob: "Really? That seems empirically wrong to me. How would that work? What would be the goal of that?"
Idiot: "World domination, I guess? Jews might be involved? Lorenzo Lamas? It was on Donahue."
Lil' Jacob: "Again, no. But maybe we can be better, smarter people than your grandma? We have TV and electricity and stuff, access to knowledge, more and other kids of people. The world is getting better every day. How about you don't cringe under the porch every time there's a thunderstorm, like some kind of primitive or hound dog. Conspiracies are for the weak and powerless. You're making a choice. Superstition is a choice. A really bad one."
Idiot: "But my grandma says..."
Lil' Jacob: "YOUR GRANDMOTHER IS MENTALLY ILL. BOTTOM LINE."
So Durbin will be singing "Love Potion #9," the most annoying song in the universe, and has a weird conversation with Gaga and Iovine that seems like mostly nouns and verbs I'm not really sure about. At one point, Gaga gives him some kind of Tantric Chiropractic adjustment and then everybody feels awkward and they all try to pretend this was a success.
Gaga: "Oh, I didn't realize you have all these diseases and medical issues."
Durbin: "They really impact my ability to deal with you."
Gaga: "I pride myself on being totally fascinating and unpredictable."
Durbin: "Both of those make me bite the fleshy part of my hand between thumb and first finger. I wish you would stop."
Gaga: "Well, I wish you would dance sexy instead of just being totally beautiful and otherworldly/charming."
Durbin: "That sentence had a prime number of letters in it."
Gaga: "Really? Cool. You're kind of cool."
Durbin: "No, prime numbers are the unfriendliest integers. That's gonna bug me all day now. Dang."
(Dear Reader: If you go back and count those letters, I will know. I can see you, and I know what you're thinking right now. Don't do it. Resist the urge. Be like Lauren Alaina and step out of your comfort zone. Into evil.)
Hate the song, love Durbin, nothing really of note goes on with him these days but he's cute and he does what he's here to do, and that's good enough to get him here and it's good enough for me. It's not like he's going to win. Even without Scotty/Lauren, he was still never going to win this show.
Lopez: "Apparently you can sing anything and it's not terrible. So that's funny."
Jackson: "You know, I was in Journey."
Durbin, per Randy, is both: What I love about sports -- or Schwartz? -- and having a moment, and possible in It to win It.
Tyler: "[More fucking worthless nonsense.]"
Durbin: "I just figured out about facial expressions! Check them out!"
Seacrest: "That was an enjoyable activity."
Durbin: "Faces! Making them! Sometimes twitching can be on purpose!"
KICK TO RECAP
But with Seacrest's mic still on, telling Durbin how much he loves and will always love him, and it's super cute.
Durbin: Sang a James Durbin Song in the Style of James Durbin, and then did so again. Whatever. It's you or Haley. I'll miss looking at you and I'd miss hearing Haley about equally either way, so good luck or something. Haley: Sucked it right up the first round, and then did the awesomest thing of the night and one of the coolest things of the season. The others: I refuse to even watch the recap. Trash loves itself and always has, Nashville Stars. You're not proving anything. I love Ryan more than I hate what happened; I love what happened a great deal more than I hate what happened, too.
Scotty drags a waterlogged Osama Bin Laden onstage and skullfucks his dead body for everybody, and then he and Lauren do a little America dance. They're so young that they don't even know "wrapping yourself in the flag" is a cliché. They think they invented it. They are inventors. Inventors, and champions. At any cost.
Lauren injects her parents with cancer where they sleep, and points her storehouse of ICBMs toward Alabama. She thinks about the chiffarobe in her hotel room, and whether Jacob Lusk could be enticed to take it apart. Scotty's gramma goes to the highest cabinet in her kitchen and brings down the old bottle of cyanide pills. Not yet, but soon, she smiles to herself. The October Surprise is still a week or two away. Don't you blow it, now.
And that's the Climb.