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So Stevie Nicks finally showed up to play us a few songs on the Academy’s piano and inspire Misty. Fiona was the one who brought her in to realize Misty’s own personal episode of FANatic, though the reasons are not entirely clear as of yet. What’s important is that Stevie sounded great, and that her doting on Misty enraged Madison so much that she buried Misty (and her boots) alive in the nearest vacant mausoleum slot. Madison is convinced she’s the Supreme, and she has a whole host of new powers (and an absence of her former heart murmur) to prove it. She also continues to wear an enormous faux fur coat on the balmy streets of New Orleans, so there’s ample proof that she should be committed at this point.
Marie and Fiona have indeed teamed up to take down the ancient order of witch hunter investment bankers, but this week they stopped short of sending the feds their way. Fiona’s getting weak, and it could be any young nubile female’s fault. Well, it’s no longer Nan’s, because after she showed some new and interesting powers (RIP Patti LuPone yet again) Fiona and Marie drowned her in a bathtub and sacrificed her partially innocent soul to this show’s dumbest character yet: Lance Reddick dressed as a cokehead reggae demon from a Rob Zombie movie. He is the one who made Marie eternally young; she didn’t do it for herself after all. All our feminist dreams are dashed against the rocks. Fiona asks for the same deal Marie got, but he denies her, claiming he doesn’t make deals with people who don’t have souls. Fair enough.
As for Cordelia, Fiona is having a ball being a smug bitch about being right about Hank. She backhands her, screams at her and generally treats her like shit. She even tells the reggae demon she’d kill Cordelia for him if he could make her young. Fiona’s a stone cold bitch, and this show is in no kind of mood to let you forget it.
So everyone’s going full-blown psychopath except for Zoe, Delia and Misty, so who knows who the Supreme is at this point. No Kyle or Kathy Bates this week. I hope they got away to somewhere beautiful together.
Mindy Monez wants to know what happens to flawlessly distressed vintage boots inside a mausoleum but is scared to find out. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Hank killed a lot of people and then died himself, Patti LuPone killed the hunky love of Nan's life, Queenie sort of died (Ryan Murphy recently said she's back week in some capacity, however), and Delphine's severed finally head came around to the Civil Rights Movement.
We begin right where we left off, with Marie at Miss Robichaux's the night of Hank's massacre at her salon. Fiona is being uncharacteristically kind to her, having not only made her a nice cup of tea, but also offered to fill it up with bourbon from her very own flask to take the edge off. Fiona tells her to drink up, and promises to cast a spell on her later to help her sleep through the night. That sounds insidious in text, but Fiona's voice is genuine, and Marie appreciates the gesture, even if she isn't exactly thrilled to be so vulnerable in front of her arch nemesis. She even goes so far as to call Fiona her equal which must be as weird for Fiona to hear as it is for Marie to say. These two sure have come a long way quick!
Later, Marie is sound asleep when a shadow wearing sweeps across the ceiling of her room and materializes in front of her bed as what I can only describe as a clowny voodoo Rob Zombie. I mean, there's a top hat and everything. She calls him "Papa Legba," which is a real thing in Haitian vodou (that's how Wikipedia spells it, and I'm in no position to question them in this area). This is the kind of character that's a lot of fun for me, because everyone who recaps this show and everyone who comments on recaps of this show likes to pretend they've heard of this figure before seeing it in the episode, which is pretty laughable. Don't piss on my leg and tell me you're all experts in Haitian vodou. I know we're all English majors here.
Papa Legba is played by the great Lance Reddick, who is unrecognizable here, so I am in no way saying he isn't doing a good job. What I am saying is that this character is supremely silly and an unwanted distraction from the momentum the show built last week. Rant over for now.
He startles her awake and tells her tonight's the night to pay him his due, and he may just be a silly vodou Rob Zombie clown ghost, but he's a male one nonetheless, so I'm sure it's something disgusting. He also snorts some magical coke that knocks Marie out a little when he takes it. She's not amused. But, he has all the power here: They made a bargain long ago, and she must live up to the terms tonight.
Cut to Marie walking the same halls of the Bioshock hospital that Fiona found herself in not too long ago. She makes her way to the infant ward (people actually GIVE BIRTH in that disgusting hospital??), where a nurse promptly tries to kick her out. Marie glamours the nurse into letting her into the baby room, where she carefully selects an African-American (interesting choice!) newborn to kidnap. She makes her way out of the hospital with it, but an alarm has been tripped, and now there are two cops with their guns drawn, ordering her to put the baby down. Now. What the hell kind of protocol is that? There's no way to shoot her without endangering the baby. This is like 24-level nonsense law enforcement.
Marie refuses, defiantly insisting she needs this baby, as if that would work. Then she then does this crazy high-pitched scream and rapid tongue movement that makes the cops turn their guns on each other and shoot. Fun! RIP, dumb cops. The baby cries. She tells it to shutup, or she'll give it something to cry about. She hurries out the hospital gates as approaching sirens wail.
The morning Delia, Fiona and Marie watch news coverage of Hank's rampage on the TV in the kitchen. Delia blames herself, assuming that her insistence on divorce drove Hank to kill, which is kind of conceited, honestly. Marie assures her that she's the one to blame – she hired him. Oh, and by the way, Delia, your husband was a witch hunter. Delia is horrified. Marie, hilariously: "You were my sworn enemy." Fiona flies into an I-told-you-so rage (the worst kind of mom rage!) and just fucking back-hands Delia across the face. She is incensed, blaming Delia for her schoolgirl crush that brought a witch hunter into her hallowed Coven. You know, the same one Fiona sometimes tries to destroy herself from time to time. Whatever. Fiona knows witch hunters don't work alone, and they have to find the ancient order Hank took his orders from. Marie doesn't know anything about how witch hunters work for some reason, even though she's much older than Fiona and, you know, hired one herself recently. Fiona has gorgeous volume in her hair this week, by the way. Doorbell!
Upstairs, our wonderful Misty is twirling around with a crocheted shawl and singing Stevie Nicks songs to herself like the gorgeous idiot she is. She's kind of reminding me of that Bachelor contestant who listed her occupation as "Free Spirit" this season. (Still love her, though.) (Still love them both, though.) Fiona shows up and compliments her, but Misty won't be manipulated. She knows Fiona plans to slit her throat just like she did Madison. Misty tells her to go ahead and try! She already has plans in place to bring herself back when she does. That's interesting to know for later. Fiona stays committed to sweetness, telling her the Supremacy is a wonderful thing. It's a skeleton key to anything in the world she could ever want. She's going to love it! Say, Fiona's old friend is in town – would Misty like to meet her? GUYS! IT'S HAPPENING!
Fiona brings Misty downstairs to the parlor, where STEVIE NICKS!!!!!! is waiting for them. Misty gets the Stevie vapors and faints at the sight of her idol. Fiona double-high fives her old friend Stevie: "You owe me five bucks. I told you she was gonna do that. Muah!" Aww, this is fun! Any bets on why Fiona is doing this for Misty? I don't think she has any intention of letting Misty be the Supreme, so I'm not buying Madison's later theory that she's just trying to get in good with the Supreme.
Madison, Zoe and Nan show up just in time for a live rendition of the delightfully witchy "Rhiannon" on the Academy's piano. This made pretty much every outlet's drinking game list, so bottoms up, everybody! Stevie still sounds like Stevie and it's pretty fantastic, I have to say. Misty is captivated, but the younger girls watch, bemused, likely because as damn dirty MILLENIALS they've probably never even heard of Fleetwood Mac, what with all that time they waste with the twerking and the sexting and whatever else the Today show accuses them of spending all their time doing on any given day. I should also mention that Madison is wearing an enormous Dynasty fur coat out on the streets of New Orleans, which are humid as hell. She does this more than once this episode. She is insane.
Madison saunters over to Fiona and says something about how she'd rather see Eminem perform, in that perfect trying-to-shock-grandma way we've all done in our youth. I used to say Ghostface Killah even though I didn't really listen to Ghostface Killah just because I knew the name would scare the shit out of her. It worked. Grandmas fall for it every time! Anyway, obviously, Fiona isn't your typical mature woman. "Marshall? You're not his type. And more importantly, you're not the Supreme." Way to shut a bitch down, Fiona. Also, is she saying Eminem is a witch? Or a ghost? Fiona doesn't really know any other kinds of people.
Misty is basically possessed by the spirit of Stevie at this point, twirling herself dizzy in front of the piano. She takes a seat to Stevie and just gazes at her like she's a magic hot dog with all the fixins. God, being famous is so weird. Can you imagine a stranger looking at you like that? Stevie and Misty start twirling together, because as it turns out Stevie Nicks has a tremendously gracious sense of humor about herself! Madison has seen enough and is OUT. Stevie gives Misty her favorite performance shawl as a type of torch-passing. Misty is beside herself.
Upstairs, Madison is in a rage over Misty's hayseed ass being the Supreme. She's like "I came back from the dead!" as if that's something people don't just do all the time on this show. Zoe reminds her that she only came back because Misty brought her back, but Madison seems to feel that's a technicality. She lights a cigarette and Nan spots a golden opportunity. Nan has somehow developed mind control powers between the last episode and this one, and after making Madison put her newly lit cigarette out and almost making her cram it into her vagina (Saint Zoe stops her), she's made her point that she's just as viable as the Supreme as anybody else is. Well, that's new! This show really just makes it up as it goes along, doesn't it? Oh, and Madison is back in the running because, being undead, she has no heartbeat to produce a murmur anymore. Madison wants a 7 Wonders-off between her and Misty, and she wants it now. Well I hope for her sake that she too has managed to develop mind-blowing new powers for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Delia, Marie and Fiona gather in Delia's office to do some Google recon on Hank and Delphi Trust, the consortium of witch hunting investment bankers. Hank's father, the CEO, is named Harrison Renard, and when Delia searches "Harrison Renard and son" TONS of photos of him and Hank surface. Not exactly keeping great cover, morons. It's amazing nobody in Delia's life saw a Netflix documentary about these rich dicks and tipped her off before. TV can save your life, people. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
Fiona takes every opportunity to be smug and awful about all the lies Delia believed regarding Hank, of course. Marie gets them back on task, saying she wants to head to corporate headquarters and kill them all right now. Fiona says they have to cool off and be strategic about this and hit their wallets first. Now, I don't want to get super bogged down in this, but Fiona is strategic and calculating in this scene, while Marie is hot-tempered and impulsive. There is something a little uncomfortable about the white lady showing the black lady the smart way to manage her own revenge. I wouldn't say it's outright racist, but it feels like at least shades of racist, doesn't it? Why does Fiona get to be in charge here at all anyway?
thing I know, Marie and Fiona have built a mouse maze filled with cash and mouse traps, and Jessica Lange is touching a real live mouse, which is yet another thing she can do that I cannot. The put the mice in the maze and chant some Latin, which constitutes a spell that brings the feds to Delphi Trust headquarters with a search warrant. All the witch hunter investment bankers scurry around trying to cover their asses, but the panic quickly reveals that things are not going their way. Everything's going great for the witches! Except for Delia, who would like to help, but Fiona screams at her that she's worthless and should get out of her sight, so that idea's out. Delia is heartbroken, but girl, that's just how Fiona talks to people. You can't take that shit personally. Just as the spell reaches its climax, Fiona is weakened. She leans on Marie and claims she's fine, but she soon collapses. Jessica Lange did her own fall, too.
Zoe and Nan chat in the elevator on their way to visit Luke, who they think is still alive, in the hospital. Nan thinks Madison can't be the Supreme because "She's selfish, and she's a whore." Oh, like a selfish whore never made a great leader? Weren't just about all of them kind of selfish whores? Zoe is much more interested in the mutual protection of the sisterhood than she is in being the Supreme (which is probably why she'll be the only one left alive at the end of this season), while Nan has developed a sort of tunnel vision about her own Supremacy. She claims she would only do good if she got the crown. We'll see about that.
When the girls get to Luke's floor, Nan red flags that she can't hear him. They ask the nurse at the front desk if he's been moved, and she gives them the bad news that we already know – Luke's dead. And they can't see him because the morgue already took him away. Nan is devastated. She brought Luke a balloon, too, which she is now clutching as she cries. Is there anything sadder than someone crying while holding one lonely balloon?
It's Marie's turn to take care of Fiona now. Fiona's laid up in bed while Marie lights some viper semen (natch) on fire to make her all better. Oh lord, Fiona starts droning on about the Axeman and their historic love again. I swear to god, I'd suffer a thousand reggae cokehead Rob Zombie Papa Legbas if I could just erase the Axeman from this season. Marie works on a voodoo doll made of Fiona's hair for some unknown healing purpose, but Fiona wants something more permanent. She wants the eternal youth deal Marie got. Marie tells her she sold her soul to Papa Legba to get it, but we see a flashback that shows she sold much more than that. She had been under the impression that "You give me what I want once a year" meant something of a sexual nature, but Marie soon found out that it's babies he wants – starting with her own newborn. Marie initially resisted, but she soon gave up the child all those centuries ago and hasn't aged a day since. Fiona probably loves this guy. The more babies he eats, the less competition she'll have for Prettiest Number 1 Witch. Also, that's yet another monstrous mother on this show. Can you imagine being Ryan Murphy's mother and trying to get through this season? You couldn't help but take it personally.
Misty and Madison are spending some quality time together, eating chicken satay and walking in a Second Line funeral procession that is giving me uncomfortable Treme flashbacks. These things just blow my mind. I live in New York, the loudest city in America, but if people tried to blast horns and tie up traffic every time someone died there would be riots. I love New Orleans, but New Orleans is kind of weird. Plus, this scene is so Treme-tastic I keep half-expecting Steve Zahn to show up and start pelting jazz CDs at everybody. Shudder.
Madison get to work manipulating Misty, telling her Stevie and Fiona only act like she's so special so the Supreme will owe them a favor down the line. Misty holds her own and stands up to Madison, but Madison is no amateur. She gets her to the grave site ahead of everyone else in the Second Line, the coffin about to be tossed into a tomb by a couple cemetery attendants. Madison has Misty "enchant" the gravediggers, which basically amounts to freezing them in place like when Evie stopped time on Out of This World. Then, Madison shows off by flinging open the coffin and reanimating the corpse inside. He wakes up bewildered, but no longer embalmed, which is nice for him. How in the HELL did Madison and Nan pick up these exponentially amazing powers between episodes? This is nuts.
Believing she's won some sort of pissing contest, Madison uses her upper hand to further manipulate Misty into shedding her Stevie shawl. It's not becoming for a Supreme to be a cheap imitation of some lesser witch from VH1 Classic, you see. Misty tries to tell her to fuck off, but the bitch is strong in Madison, and she eventually, almost, gets to Misty. Misty turns towards the coffin and prepares to drop her shawl in it for good, but she thinks better of it and turns back to Madison, resolved to be Misty doin' Misty forever more. Which is when Madison hits her in the head with a brick and buries her alive. She steals the Stevie shawl and twirls away, which is a nice bit of business. Emma Roberts really is wickedly funny sometimes.
Oh no. Nan and Zoe plan to trick Patti LuPone with cupcakes in the dead of night so they can steal Luke's body and make Misty reanimate it. This is an awful plan, A) because Patti LuPone is a homicidal psychopath, and B) because she had Luke cremated, so there's no body to bring back to life anyway. This is just a waste of delicious cupcakes is what it is.
Patti reminisces a bit about some precocious religious thing Luke did (something about a DIY cross out of sticks or something) as a child that endeared him to Patti, and they're all charmed by the weird story. But when Patti shows the girls Luke's urn, Nan goes ballistic and calls her a bitch. Yes! Then, she pins Zoe against a wall and makes Patti pay for everything she's done to Luke by forcing her to drink a whole handle of bleach. "You. Have to be. CLEANSED." Nan's a self-righteous maniac and Patti LuPone is dead (again) – Ryan Murphy even said so himself. How's that for movement?
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Delia is wallowing in depression with her plants as Myrtle plays a theremin, the instrument of spooky 1950s sci-fi b-movies. Delia throws her some shade, but Myrtle loves her theremin: "Don't be a hater, dear." What a magnificent weirdo we have in Myrtle. Delia is having a bit of an existential crisis at the moment, so Myrtle recommends she give up the Coven and market her salad dressing instead, or perhaps become a cruise ship hostess. "Living in the shadow of Fiona is a challenge. What are your options when your mother is Hilary Clinton?" Oh, Myrtle. I know you're trying to help, but let's put Delia on a suicide watch after this conversation just in case. Delia finally explodes, screams that she's a failure and starts smashing every piece of glass in sight as Myrtle goes back to playing the soothing sounds of Bela Lugosi on her theremin. Remember a few episodes ago when Delia was awesome and self-possessed? I miss that. Somebody break those melon-balled eyeballs and make her great again.
Delphi Trust is reeling after the mouse maze FBI raid. Everything is terrible – their stocks have plummeted, and not even a single corrupt Senator or Ben Bernanke will take their calls. How grim! This is rich apocalypse. They know the witches are responsible for this and they want to "deal" with them. Well, good luck. You guys seem pretty incompetent so far.
At night, Fiona is cutting up some magical cocaine for Papa Legba, and it must be the good shit, because he appears before her in mere seconds. Better response time than the cops in a rich neighborhood, that guy. He approves of her offering and they prepare to make a deal. Fiona explains that she doesn't want to die, and she won't accept any gross aging or unsightly decrepitude either. He wants her soul, which she is of course completely fine with. He wants her to provide "services" one night a year. If those services include crippling her own daughter or murdering an innocent, Fiona's fine with that too. "Whatever it takes." He says they have a deal, but when they attempt to seal it with a kiss Papa Legba pulls back and tells her the deal is off. She has nothing to sell because she has no soul. Fiona seems surprised by this. But I'm not! She crumples in a chair and the stupid Axeman appears to comfort her with sweet nothings of plans to murder whichever young lady is zapping her powers. Fiona: "Haven't you heard? I have no soul. I'll just kill 'em all." Do you want to protect the Coven or do you want to destroy it, Fiona? Stop flip-flopping on your most basic of motivations, you hot mess of a character.
So now that Nan has overpowered the likes of Madison, Zoe and Patti LuPone, Zoe has finally come around to thinking Nan might be the Supreme. Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be someone else entirely five minutes from now. She tells her so, as if Nan isn't already completely shitfaced on power. Nan: "Fiona's a bitch. I'm gonna be a nice Supreme." Nan thinks she's righteous in her killing and maiming, which is possibly even scarier than Fiona doing it for brazenly selfish reasons. Nan hears something in the hall and makes her way to one of the spare bedrooms, where she finds the baby Marie kidnapped hidden away in an enchanted, sound-proofed wardrobe. Marie runs in and they face off. Nan accuses her of kidnapping the baby with the intention to kill it, while Marie denies everything. Nan tells her to "eat shit." She also brags about killing Patti LuPone, which isn't exactly wise.
Fiona barges in to mediate just then, and forces Nan to give the baby back to Marie. Interestingly, even with all her new powers Nan is still afraid of Fiona. When Nan leaves, Marie tells Fiona the baby's for Papa, which hits a nerve with Fiona, who is so over Papa Legba at the moment. She is not, however, over her thirst for power, and offers that maybe they don't have to give the baby to Papa. Maybe there's another innocent-ish soul in the house they can give him instead. Cut to MARIE AND FIONA STRAIGHT DROWNING NAN IN A BATHTUB. Jesus. Fiona: "Stop putting up such a fuss! You're not the first witch to be drowned!" Haha!
Once Nan passes, Papa shows up to claim his prize. He's not super thrilled about the substitution, because he's like the spirit world version of the Soup Nazi, I guess, but Fiona and Marie assure him that Nan is basically just as innocent as that baby. It's not like killing Patti LuPone makes a person impure or anything. They team up and quickly manage to convince Papa to take Nan. Papa: "You two? Big trouble." I'll say. Nan's soul goes willingly: "Anywhere is better than here." Aww, Nan! I'm really gonna miss that sweet little maniac.
Later, Fiona and Stevie Nicks enjoy a nightcap while Stevie plays "Has Anybody Ever Written Anything for You" by candlelight. The song is about being remembered and being truly loved, and Fiona lies down and weeps, moved by the song and the wine and being at the end of her wretched life full of squandered opportunity, as one does with a great Stevie Nicks song and a glass of wine. It's a nice, soft moment with an uneven character, but at least it makes sense for once.
week: The Coven buries Nan! Madison and Zoe maybe try to kill Fiona and Marie! The Axeman chops invisible things! OMG!
Mindy Monez wants to know what happens to flawlessly distressed vintage boots inside a mausoleum but is afraid to find out. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.