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We got a look into how Delphine went from a refined lady of wealth and influence to a homicidal maniac of wealth of influence in flashbacks this week. Basically, she saw some blood and it flipped a switch in her. In the present, she satisfied her bloodlust on some poor guy who ended up chopped to pieces and disemboweled in Spalding's doll room. Speaking of Spalding, he reappeared and tricked Delphine into "murdering" Marie with some dissolved Benadryl tablets, which went about as well as you'd think it would. Luckily for Delphine, once Marie discovered her plan and began to enact her revenge, Spalding threw her down the stairs, knocking her out. On Spalding's advice, Delphine plans to bury her somewhere where she can't dig her way out. Sure, that'll work.
In a delightful bit of gore, Fiona, Marie and the Axeman murdered the crap out of a dozen Delphi Trust guys, including Hank's father and his handsome right hand man, who I will miss looking at. The scene was a lot of fun, incorporating a little bit of everything this show does well. Also, Marie ordered a Diet Sprite and actually got one, which should probably be added to the Seven Wonders.
The Coven doormat Cordelia stabbed her eyes out with garden shears in a desperate attempt to get her second sight back. Myrtle called her a hero. I hate to sound like Fiona, but how pathetic.
And Zoe and Kyle packed their bags and got on a bus to Epcot together, never to return. I assume the bus never leaves and she'll be back at Miss Robichaux's week, but that was a nice idea.
Mindy Monez would rather stab her own eyes out than spend one second in the tacky dregs of Epcot. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Madison buried Misty alive! Nan killed Patti LuPone! Fiona and Marie killed Nan! Lance Reddick in a Rob Zombie clown hat! The sweet, melancholy sounds of Stevie Nicks brought Fiona to tears! Everybody on the show spontaneously developed new powers at shocking rates! As usual, it was nuts.
Flashback to Delphine moving into her New Orleans manse in 1830, which can only mean one thing: We're about to be treated to some gold old Madame LaLaurie-style GORE! Her slaves are running around, responding to her many barks and commands (at one point she explains that her suitcase is "Brownnnn, like your skin" to one of them, because RACIST, in case you forgot). Delphine leads Borquita around the grounds, bitching about having to leave Paris and all its refined civilization and delicious carbs. Delphine worries that if she's trapped here in New Orleans with only slaves and her daughters to converse with she'll end up feeble-minded before week. She worries these things aloud, of course. Borquita takes issue with the insult, but Borquita is, as usual, outmatched by her mother's nastiness. Things are bleak here in New Orleans, and Delphine needs inspiration. Hey, does anybody hear chickens?
Cut to Borquita and a group of slaves trying to catch and kill a chicken for dinner, which is awfully egalitarian of the LaLaurie family. It becomes clear that Borquita's never slaughtered a chicken before, and she calls for her mother, who is working (working!) in the house in an apron (an apron!). I have no idea why either of them are doing manual labor, but I guess moving requires everyone to do their part? Delphine is annoyed that Borquita is wimping out about chopping the chicken's head off, and, disgusted, snatches the cleaver from her and swiftly separates the chicken from its head. As the blood spurts out of its neck, Delphine has an interesting reaction. She puts her hand in the stream and marvels at it, handling the stream like a bolt of fine silks. Delphine is transformed. Delphine now has a taste for blood. Watch your ass.
Some time later, a slave is screaming in agony in the barn due to a gruesome leg accident. You'd think he'd be screaming because of some Kathy Bates bloodlust, but nope, just an ordinary barn accident of some kind. Delphine hasn't quite been established as her horrible sadistic self, so she runs in to help, and her slave is appreciative. But this is a post-chicken neck Delphine, and once she sees the blood squirting out of her slave's leg, she knows she can't help him. This is too much fun. She shuts down Borquita's offer to call a doctor (as if an 1830 doctor would have any idea what to do anyway) and knocks the poor injured slave out. thing we know she has him tied up in the barn and covered in blood from head to toe. Delphine's going to like New Orleans after all! She is as giddy as a schoolgirl over her new toy. That's our girl!
So, this was the episode that was supposed to explain how Delphine became the monster who went from a civilized Parisian socialite to an eye-gouging, disemboweling madwoman who stuffs feces into the mouths of everyone she meets and sews them up tight. And the explanation is… chickens? Is this really expository? Not that I'm complaining about a Kathy Bates-heavy episode after her absence last week, but this all feels a little redundant and superfluous, doesn't it?
Everyone gathers at the cemetery as Fiona gives the eulogy at Nan's funeral. She insists the entire Coven is in mourning, but they all just look kind of bored and ready for the show to be over. Fiona also insists Nan fell to her death by slipping in the tub like some geriatric, but no one is buying it. Myrtle mentions that it sure would be nice if Misty were around to bring Nan back to life, but Madison dismisses that idea, saying Misty's probably trolling through the Everglades and nobody should ever bother thinking of her ever again. I love how everyone knew Madison was violently jealous of Misty last week and that Misty just disappeared right after Madison made a huge show of wanting to destroy her, and nobody pays any attention to Madison's comments here. Sure, Misty's just enjoying an Everglades getaway, no problem with that story! I'm not even being sarcastic; it's so perfect that everyone in the Coven is so self-absorbed or busy self-flagellating (ahem, Delia) that they don't even notice that Madison obviously disposed of Misty in some way.
An SUV pulls up just then and two of our old friends get out: Queenie, who is alive, and Delphine, who has been put back together again by said Queenie, who is leading her around on a leash like a dog. Like Madison and Nan, Queenie is also sprouting brand new powers, you see. How fun for Fiona!
Marie embraces Queenie warmly, but Queenie's not having it. Oh, and Delphine spits in Marie's face, so no love lost there. Delia makes some Pollyanna-ish comment about how wonderful it is that Queenie's safe and Fiona just wants to kill her for being so stupid -- none of them is safe, you dumb-dumb. Delia knows that, of course, and continues to blame herself for all of it. Delia, you keep making that pained look of self-blame and it's going to stay that way. And with that, the funeral's over. Time to go back to Miss Robichaux's as one big happy family plus one immortal racist maid again.
Hank's father and his right-hand man gather on some industrial rooftop to come up with a plan of action. Here's the tidy little solution these geniuses come up with: They'll frame Hank as a homeless veteran with PTSD, hire the witches to use their magic to restore all their wealth, and then kill them all. Right-Hand Man nods. He will send them an Outlook invite. Meeting adjourned.
Delphine has been forced to assume her servant duties once again, starting with doing Fiona's nails and pouring Marie's champagne. We overhear Fiona accept the meeting from Delphi Trust (she and Marie know it's a trap and are not concerned) as Delphine voiceovers her life story. Her beginnings (wealthy, entitled, influential) are a lot different from how she's ended up (immortal slave labor flushing the shit of Hollywood brats). She has managed to hang on to her creativity, however! In an interesting reference to The Help, Delphine makes a delicious mulligatawny soup out of Madison's poop, impressing even Myrtle with her culinary prowess. She enjoys some short-lived satisfaction. Making people eat Madison's shit is an empowering thing. Just ask Madison – she does it figuratively every moment of her life.
Later, Marie hands Delphine the baby she stole and orders her to take care of it. Yes, that baby is still hanging around. No, they haven't killed it yet or left it at the entrance of their nearest Rouse's. No, I do not know if this baby will end up mattering to the plot in any meaningful way. Marie saddles Delphine with this baby while promising to chop her up again and spread all her various body parts across the construction sights of New Orleans, so it's basically just your average mom/nanny relationship. Oh, Delphine suffers many indignities, cleaning up after these ungrateful philistines, a couple of whom are even sex-crazed. Fiona goes out with nothing but perfume on her nether regions, for instance! How unseemly.
In the morning, Delphine bakes breakfast biscuits and delights Myrtle with her domesticity, who is really becoming her number one fan. Delphine takes no comfort in Myrtle's compliments. Delia is off in the corner making enchanted kale shakes in an effort to restore her second sight. She must save them all! It's all up to her! What a messiah complex Delia has developed. As Kevin Spacey said to Glynis Johns in The Ref, "You know what I'm going to get you for Christmas, [Delia]? A big wooden cross, so that every time you feel unappreciated for your sacrifices, you can climb on up there and nail yourself to it."
Just then, a landscaper comes in from the fig garden (of course they have a fig garden) with a nasty gash on his hand. He is a black man dripping blood, and Delphine looks at him like a cartoon wolf who's just seen a sexy nurse. She knows what's missing in her life – torture! She takes the poor guy upstairs, chloroforms him (of course there's chloroform just lying around the house), ties him up and begins happily cutting off his toes with common garden tools. She'll get to the fingers later, don't worry. She hasn't had this much fun in years! It's chicken soup for the homicidal racist's soul.
Zoe performs a candlelit crime-solving spell over the bathtub where Nan perished and quickly confirms her suspicions that Marie and Fiona killed her. Kyle is at her side, and when Madison bursts in to interrupt them as she always does, she explodes with jealousy, as she always does. She tries to give Kyle a revenge blowjob right in front of Zoe, but he angrily refuses her advances because he's done with this three-way nonsense -- loves Zoe. But, Madison reminds him, she made him, and he owes her. Guys, I don't want to jump to any conclusions here, but I think Madison may have a fucked up relationship with sex. Zoe stands up for her man and Madison flies into a rage, her magic breaking mirrors and shaking the house.
The racket disturbs Myrtle, who runs in to tell them all to knock it off. She quickly sums up the situation and lashes out at Madison: "You are the worst kind of Hollywood cliché – a bobblehead with crotchless panties!" Ha! Madison calls her a "dried up old Hot Pocket" which you have to admit is an ingenious insult. Madison's the new Supreme and under her progressive regime there will be crotchless panties and undead boy sex slaves for everyone. Sure, that's a compelling platform, but Misty's got the overwhelming vintage boots and Fleetwood Mac 8-tracks demographic, so it's going to be a close election.
Post-coital Axeman and Fiona time. He takes a break from his infernal sax to wax poetic about his "grand-daddy's" farm. He wants to whisk Fiona away to a different, simpler life, kind of like their supernatural Green Acres. They'll drink gin rickeys on the porch, milk cows, and be a boring old married couple for the rest of their days. As a city type person, that sounds like heaven, except for all that cow-milking, of course. Farm stuff is hard work! Fiona promises to run away with him, pretending she's even remotely capable of the simple life, but first, he has to do something for her. They share a wicked sex laugh, but I don't think she meant a sexual favor.
Delphine has disemboweled her toeless and fingerless landscaper to death and now, having bled him completely dry, she has to clean up all the guts and gore. She regretfully realizes that savagely murdering black people was a lot easier back when she had slaves. This whole plot point just goes to show that you can force a violent racist psychopath to listen to all the Odetta you want, but once a violent racist psychopath, always a violent racist psychopath.
Suddenly, she's startled by Spalding, whose ghost has come out of hiding to guide Delphine to a life of purpose. After all, murder isn't a purpose, it's more of a hobby. Spalding helps her clean up the body using his signature method of rolling it up in a rug. He gets her all riled up about Marie living in the house, and how wrong it is for a nice white lady like Delphine to be waiting on "the black devil." Et tu, Spalding? Marie must die, they both agree. But how to kill an immortal? Spalding says it's easy. He'll show her how if she procures a particular mystery item for him. Delphine is obviously on board with that.
Queenie's moving back in to her old room, which is currently full of Misty's perfectly pinteresting vintage hippie stuff. Despite the Ebay-ability of Misty's leftovers, Queenie's feeling pretty annoyed that they gave her room away. Delia soon comes in (in an impeccable floral dress that should win the wardrobe department 16 Emmys) to remind her that, you know, Queenie left them. Queenie comes back with a your-husband-shot-me-in-the-stomach and easily establishes the upper hand. Delia looks at the ground in shame and apologizes. Delia is the puppies in a Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial at this point, isn't she? Anyway, the important thing is that we see a flashback to Queenie's body expelling Hank's silver bullets to bring her back to life. (So she is like Wolverine!) Surviving a silver bullet attack is a very rare feat, so, hey, guess what, imagine that, Queenie thinks she might be the Supreme too. JUST PICK SOMEONE AND STICK WITH IT. Still don't care who the Supreme is, sorry.
After Queenie throws her out of her room, Delia retreats to her garden sanctuary. She performs some spells on some plants and smears a floral concoction on her eyes. Fine lines serum? Uh oh, she is crying. She is clearly distraught. She is hesitant. She picks up her garden shears and positions them in front of her right eye. This seems bad. There is an agonizing few seconds as the tension builds and she convinces herself to do it, but once she does, we're off. She stabs out her right eye, then quickly moves on to her left one. She screams, blood spurts, the music crescendos. It's nasty as hell. The squishing sound her eyeballs make as the shears go into them is perfection, and the camera angles really sell it. Well done.
Fiona runs up the stairs to comfort her maimed daughter once again, but Myrtle has beaten her to the nursemaid duties. Fiona was off having sex when her daughter was going through some dire shit alone for what must be the millionth time in their relationship, and that fact is not lost on either of these women. Mothers! The worst, right? Myrtle lauds Delia as a hero for ripping her eyes out to save the Coven. Fiona is exasperated. She insists this was all unnecessary (yep), as she will obviously take care of the witch hunters (duh) and they'll all be safe (well…). But Myrtle knows the real story: That Fiona doesn't want anyone around who can see the things she's done to just about everyone in the house. Myrtle, slyly: "By all means, go to her." Fiona chickens out, and Myrtle wins that one. I hope she raised a glass over that one later.
Up in the attic, Delphine gives Spalding the item he asked her to procure. It is a creepy vintage doll, of course. An 1895 Dream Baby, for all you collectors reading. Cost half the silver in the house, too, so it better be worth it. Delphine makes a comment about how he better show her how to kill Marie before anyone notices the silver is missing, as if anyone in the house would ever notice anything other than their own bullshit. She also isn't shy about how "unsavory" Spalding's obsession with scary dolls is, but he is unfortunately unaffected. Spalding delivers what he's promised – a "potion" that will enable her to kill Marie. Wow! What a plot twist. And then we find out he's fucking with her. He hands her a bright pink Benadryl box, and when Delphine tries to pronounce the name he stops her: "Ssh! Don't. Ever. Speak it aloud." It's that powerful. Oh, Delphine. I'd feel sorry for you if you hadn't just tortured an innocent landscaper to death.
Myrtle is back at her theremin after a hard day at the Academy. Zoe walks in and they have a one-on-one scene, which felt really out of place for me for some reason. These two have had scenes alone together this season, haven't they? They must have, even if I can't remember any. Anyway, Myrtle's so glad she's stopped by! She has a sapphire and topaz broach of unspeakable value and glamour (only Lee Radziwill and herself could ever pull it off) to give to Zoe in case she ever needs to hawk something for cash. Zoe's confused. Myrtle insists that Zoe escape the Coven, Madison and Fiona with just Kyle, their love, and this broach. Oh, and these tickets to Epcot, a line that made me laugh out loud, even though Florida is the worst place to escape to. Among other reasons, Gayle King told me it's full of sinkholes! Myrtle knows Zoe and Kyle's love is special because she herself has loved and lost -- Egon von Fürstenberg dumped her for Diane, but she's accepted it because the wrap dress is worth it. Honestly, it kind of is. Zoe still doesn't quite get it, so Myrtle spells it out for her: If she stays, Madison and Fiona will kill her whether she's the Supreme or not. She has love and the option of something better, even if that something is dying in a sinkhole in Florida. Zoe considers her options.
And now for the fun part. Hank, his RHM and a handful of department heads enter an empty conference room with their security guards. Fiona and Marie breeze into the room, Fiona crowing about how they must make it quick because they have a tasting menu date with Emeril that evening. The tension in the room is thick, and the women bat it around like a toy. It's delicious. Fiona orders a martini (filthy, natch) and Marie orders a Diet Sprite from the waiter. The men drink coffee. The women giggle and joke about how easy it was to take down Delphi Trust while graciously thanking them for meeting with them. This show does a lot of things wrong, but it does bitchy and fabulous better than anybody in the game. Hot damn.
Hank makes the mistake of calling the meeting a "negotiation" and things take a turn. Marie interrupts him with a "listen up, white devil," countering Spalding referring to her as a "black devil" earlier, a little inelegant a juxtaposition, but it still deserves to be noted. Hank's father goes on about a deal, and a 100-year truce proposal, and the terms of the ladies restoring their wealth as if this meeting is actually a business meeting. As he talks, the faceless waiter silently locks the doors. Fiona lights a cigarette and offers a counter deal: "You disband this merry band of assholes" (ha!) and never harm another witch again. Throw in his house in Barkley Square for Fiona and a private jet for Marie and they've got a deal! The men begin to grasp that the ladies never had any intention of making a deal and laugh in their faces. So, Fiona offers a third option: "You can all just die."
With that, the waiter is of course revealed to be the Axeman. He hacks his way through all the men, leaving Hank and his RHM for last. Blood flies everywhere and Fiona is delighted/more than a little turned on. Fiona relieves a security guard of his gun with her magic, while the Axeman chops off the hand of another one who draws his gun. Later, he picks up that severed hand, gun still attached, and shoots a Delphi Trust man with it, which is always awesome. After Axeman kills the RHM (goodbye, handsome, suited man!), Hank's father knows he's beat. He takes a moment to pour a cup of coffee and gather himself enough to die with at least a little bit of dignity. Axeman lets him have this, because if nothing else, he understands the value of dramatics. To show him just how bored she is with his inconsequential death, Marie starts scrolling through her phone. Twitter feed, most likely. Hank's father takes a seat and offers his last words: "Go to hell, witch bitch." He hocks a loogie at Fiona's feet, too. Well-played, I suppose. The Axeman generously tosses his axe to a beaming Fiona. She pulls back and swings the axe into his neck, leaving a giant, gaping, gushing wound. He's dead within seconds. Marie snaps some photos of the body on her phone and I hope she at least took a video of all this blood for Delphine to enjoy.
Marie and Fiona celebrate with French 75s back at the Academy. Delphine prepared them, of course, so naturally Marie's is full of dissolved Benadryl tablets. She looks on with wicked anticipation of what will just turn out to be some drowsiness. Poor girl. Fiona takes off to go bang the Axeman for all his work today and the pair laugh like the best girlfriends they've become.
Delphine trepidatiously watches Marie finish her drink and go upstairs to bed. Delphine follows her to her room and pours her another drink from the bar cart I'm assuming she lugged up the grand staircase with her. Marie tells her to get out, as her "fugly face" is harshing her buzz, but Delphine refuses. Marie laughs and rudely smacks her on the ass. Delphine turns to the bar cart and grabs a butcher knife, which she then plunges right into Marie's chest. Marie screams in pain, but doesn't die. She pulls the knife out, and Delphine recoils, confused and terrified. She throws the Benadryl tablets at Marie, all "Your fate is sealed!" Marie laughs her ass off at Delphine's ineptitude. Delphine runs, Marie chases her to the staircase, but when Marie gets there, Spalding whacks her on the back of the head with a particularly hard doll, knocks her out and sends her tumbling down the stairs. Delphine foolishly asks if Marie is dead, and Spalding simply shakes his no. She obviously cannot die, so Delphine better bury her somewhere where she can't escape. Everyone's really big on burying people alive this season.
Spalding retreats upstairs to his doll room, where he puts on his mint green nightie and cuddles his new doll – the kidnapped baby Marie recently left in Delphine's care. Spalding: "Finally! A living doll." Yeeee-iiiiiiikes.
Meanwhile, Zoe and Kyle are in her room packing for their trip to Epcot. Either all the walls in Miss Robichaux's are expertly sound-proofed, or they just didn't find Marie's screaming and falling down the stairs very interesting. Kyle has some reservations about running away with Zoe. He's afraid that once they're alone together he might accidentally hurt her in some undead PTSD freak-out. He has a lot of uncontrollable feelings inside! He fears these feelings, but Zoe doesn't. She knows they will be OK, so just finish packing, alright? We got a broach to pawn for Epcot drink tickets.
They manage to get all packed and are soon running through the bus station in slow motion as an '80s-inspired dance track plays, which I think is paramount in all of our wildest romantic fantasies. They board their bus and take their seats, excited about the adventure ahead. Let's hope Madison wasn't in on their plans; we all know her history with buses full of people she's not happy with.
week: Papa Legba has Misty! Zoe's back! The girls perform the 7 Wonders! Also, Nan appears to be the only main character death this season that will actually stick. Seems arbitrary, but alright.
Mindy Monez would rather stab her own eyes out than spend one second in the tacky dregs of Epcot. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.