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We flashback to a serial killer in 1919 called the "Axe Man" (Danny Huston) who hacks up women who don't love jazz. The worst. When he makes a trip to New Orleans he takes out an ad in the paper warning its citizens that if they do not blast jazz out of their windows, he will come inside and chop them up. The fiery young suffragettes of Miss Robichaux's take issue to some male oppressor forcing his terrible taste in music on them, so they flagrantly deny his demands, lure him into their home, and stab the ever-loving hell out of him. This traps the Axe Man's spirit inside the Academy for decades. Totally worth it.
Until Zoe finds a Ouija board, that is. Believing it to be the key to finding Madison, she begs Queenie and Nan to help her yield its power. They freak out and wisely refuse after a particularly disturbing session with the thing, so Zoe uses it on her own. It does lead her to Madison – and Spalding tries to take the blame for the murder, which Zoe doesn't accept – but it also accidentally releases the Axe Man into the house, where he terrorizes poor Cordelia (welcome home!) until Zoe's magic leads her to a spell that releases him into the world instead, which is what he was after anyway. So now there's a new killer on the loose. New Orleans just can't catch a break.
In other Cordelia news, upon arriving home she sees flashes of Hank cheating on her with Kaylie again, and kicks him out. He runs to Marie, who reveals that he has been working for her as a witch hunter this entire time (Kaylie was a Miss Robichaux alum as well), and she threatens that if he doesn't kill every witch in that house and burn it to the ground she will kill him.
But what's really important is Misty Day, of course. She's working on healing Myrtle with swamp water, she found Kyle and gave him a bath, and she brought Madison back to life at Zoe's behest. Misty Day gets shit done. Good news: Madison's doing a lot better than Kyle did after he was brought back to life (she can talk and everything). Bad news: She doesn't remember who killed her. For now.
As for Fiona, she's undergoing chemo therapy, and after expressing that she wants one more great love affair before she dies, accepts a drink from a handsome gentleman at the bar who turns out to be the Axe Man. Hopefully her newly acquired Nan-style gift of hearing other people's thoughts will help her out here.
Mindy Monez would buy Misty Day 100 new outdated yellow stereos and corresponding Steve Nicks tapes if only she could. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We open with a noir-styled opening featuring a man typing a letter on an old typewriter, smoking like a chimney as he does. He narrates as he types, and Google tells me he is typing the real-life letter the Axeman of New Orleans sent to newspapers in 1919. Oh, also, there was a serial killer called the "Axeman of New Orleans" in 1919. History, son!
A title card tells us we are indeed in the Axeman's time of 1919 for this week's flashback. He continues to narrate as he walks out onto the street, giving a contrasting jolly whistle on his stroll as his narration describes himself as a monster who will find more victims with his bloody axe, and soon. He stops in front of a house, and soon we are inside, watching a woman discover the crumpled body of her husband, an Axeman victim. The Axeman watches her in the shadows, and soon sneaks up behind her and gives her a great big crushing axe swing to the skull too. Very wrong, but my first thought? Some poor realtor is going to have a hell of a time selling that house now. I think it's time to install parental controls to protect me from HGTV.
We enter Miss Robichaux's Academy in 1919, where Grace Gummer is reading the Axeman's letter to her coven. Guys, let's take a moment to acknowledge that we have Streep DNA in the house this week. Look sharp! The letter goes on to explain that the Axeman loves jazz music (ugh!), and that every house that displays the blaring sounds of jazz will be spared his axe when he comes to town. This is the thing with jazz people. Always subjecting innocent people to it.
One witch points out how ridiculous it is to threaten people with violence for not being into jazz (I agree!), while a few others strategize how to produce a sufficient volume level with a Victrola. Grace Gummer, on the other hand, isn't standing for any of it. They are powerful suffragette witches, and no man shall impose their axe or their bad taste in music on them! It's time to demonstrate their power by taking down this jazzhole once and for all.
The Axeman is finishing his saxophone set in a New Orleans bar (he's in band, because all awful men are in bands) when a waitress asks him to walk her home. It's the night the Axeman is set to kill, and she's scared to be out alone. He tells her the Axeman won't touch her because rumor is he's a jazz-lover, and she's got "rhythm in [her] soul, baby." He horny wolf eyes her up and down as she slowly walks away. He can't even hit on women without bringing jazz into it.
He walks along the night streets of New Orleans cocooned in a wall of jazz blasting out of every home and storefront… except Miss Robichaux's, which is playing an aggressive opera aria instead. They've left the gates open for him, too, because they are badasses. He draws his axe and makes his way upstairs, where he finds Grace Gummer laying tarot cards by candlelight. He turns off the music and tells her warned her as he approaches with his axe. She's nervous but confident as she pulls a final card – the death card. He's like well, yeah, you kinda brought that on yourself by refusing my petulant jazz request. He brings his axe down on her hard, but misses, as she has used magic to position herself behind him. "That reading was for you!" He looks up at her, startled and confused, but not nearly as startled as he is a second later, when she jams a knife into his chest. He squirts blood everywhere and it's amazing. Then, the rest of the coven ignites the fireplace (with magic!), comes out of the shadows and overtakes him with their knives, each stabbing him all over, repeatedly. He is dead, dead, dead. So, that was awesome. The flashback sequences on this show are so beautifully shot and the tone is always so perfect. They really spend money where it counts, and I appreciate it! It's something other fantasy shows (*cough*Once Upon a Time*cough*) would never bother to invest in doing right.
Zoe is unpacking a box of what is probably Madison's things. Some sick studded headphones, a gossip rag, sunglasses, a pretty little lady-sized handgun. Usual teenage stuff. She unwraps a bandana and an empty mini-booze bottle falls out and rolls into the closet. When Zoe enters the closet, a trap door creaks open. It's one of those spooky old house hidden storage areas. It's filled with old photos of Miss Robichaux classes, and a few other scary crawl space accoutrements, but Zoe is immediately drawn to a "Spirit Board," which is basically an off-brand, legit Ouija board. OoOOoOoOOOOh!!!
Zoe brings the photos to Nan and Queenie, pointing out how the old photos are full of young witches, but with each year that number decreases, and now that Madison is gone there are only three of them left. Zoe thinks they have to find Madison because they can't afford to lose any more witches if they want to survive. Queenie suggests bringing this to Fiona, but Zoe points out that she just burned a witch, so maybe better not. Yep. She pours them all shots of absinthe (she claims it's some drink of the gods or something, which is LOLOL college stuff), steamrolls Queenie's objections and takes charge of shit. I agree with the internet that it would be spectacular if Misty Day were the Supreme in the end, but there's really no denying Zoe's innate leadership skills at this point. She's even bossing Queenie around now! Effectively! That's kind of a big deal.
The trio gets to work on the spirit board. Queenie's grandmother had a bad experience with one of these one time – it conjured a bad spirit that "burned her house to the ground and took half her face off with it." Oh-kay! So she has some reservations. Apparently this process has two stages: Contact and Release. Queenie reminds them that it's preferable that they keep this in the "Contact" stage and avoid all the demonic "Release" bits, but Zoe tells her to "witch up" (awesome) and get her head in the game. Excuse Queenie's beauty for having legitimate concerns, Zoe. Jeez. They ask the spirit board if they're alone, and the answer is no. Queenie asks if the spirit died there, and the answer is yes. Was the spirit murdered? Yes. Who killed the spirit? "You did." Thoroughly freaked out, they ask if the spirit is Madison. It is not. Who are you? A-X-E-M-A-N. With that, a freaked out Queenie shuts this shit down.
Fiona is receiving chemo therapy, which is always a bummer of a thing to watch on TV. And she's doing it alone, which is an even bigger bummer. Foggy from the treatment, Fiona picks up a new power – hearing people's thoughts. A male patient across from her is planning on cashing out his sick leave and hitting Vegas (AKA the Mindy treatment plan), and an older woman is worrying that she'll miss her daughter's wedding. There's also a bald women who looks to be in her forties just pouring over all her regrets about the way she's treated her husband over the years, who is now helping her through her treatment. The voices start piling on top of each other and Fiona gets overwhelmed. She pulls out her IV and tries to flee, but a well-meaning Doogie Howser-aged doctor stops her and tries to give her a don't-quit-now pep talk, which annoys the hell out of Fiona. I don't blame her.
He convinces her to sit back down and re-administers her drugs. While he's doing that, Fiona rambles a bit. She tells him it's particularly important that her treatment works because her daughter needs her for the first time ever and she has to be there for her. And not for nothing, but she'd also like to have one last, great love affair before she dies. The doctor assures her that her treatment is aggressive, and hey, old people find love all the time! His mom met someone on eHarmony and they're on a cruise! That's the kind of pedestrian love story that's anathema to a fiery siren like Fiona, so she just kind of closes her eyes and tries to forget he said that. Fiona ends the scene with a wonderful moment, though, as she addresses the woman across from her and reassures her that she is going to make it to her daughter's wedding, so she should "blow the bank" on an amazing new dress. Jessica Lange sells the shit out of it, I have to say.
Zoe is Googling the Axeman while Queenie and Nan investigate the old Miss Robichaux's photos. She stumbles across a fansite for the serial killer and, disgusted, asks "Is there anybody that doesn't have a fansite?" Nan: "I don't." Oh, Nan. You do in my heart! Zoe reads on and learns that the Axeman killed women who didn't like jazz, and the men who got in his way. Queenie accurately sums it up as "So he chopped women up because they wouldn't be his groupies?" Pretty much! Honestly, given the two options, I'd prefer the axe.
Nan makes the connection that the Axeman may have been referring to Miss Robichaux's class of 1919 – the year he went missing – when he said "you" killed him. Queenie finds Grace Gummer's diary entry corroborating that theory, and it's settled for Zoe – witches killed the Axeman. She for some reason thinks he knows where Madison is (why would he know that? Sprit gossip?) and suggests they contact him again to ask, but Queenie rightly thinks she's out of her mind. She and Nan both refuse to help her release the Axeman because they are the only reasonable people left in this world. Zoe shames them for turning their backs on saving their race and storms out. I sure wish I were as interested in bringing Madison back as Zoe seems to be. This would all be a lot more fun to watch.
But, Zoe's now the kind of girl who really knows what she wants and she goes for it, right? And you know what facilitated that change, Zoe? MADISON BEING OUT OF YOUR LIFE. It's a good thing! For all of us! Anyway, in a room by herself, she lights a candle and fires up the spirit board. She asks where Madison is. She promises the spirit release in a very porny tone of voice, which was a nice choice. The Axeman spells out A-T-T-I-C, and we cut to Zoe grabbing a flashlight and storming into Spalding's creepy-ass doll room. The smell of rotting flesh hits her in the face right way, and it isn't long before she notices the trunk topped with stuffed animals. She knocks the toys off, opens it, and see Madison's decaying corpse looking up at her. She begins to scream, but Spalding grabs her from behind.
Fiona is waiting in Cordelia's room when Hank brings her daughter home. Sarah Paulson is killing it as an angry blind lady, rapping her white cane against every hard surface in her immediate vicinity as she moves into the room. Hank tells Fiona she made it up the stairs all on her own, and Fiona's like yeah, obviously I don't raise weaklings. Cordelia's like I'm blind, not deaf, people. Cordelia throws a little diva fit because the wrong kind of flowers are in the room and Fiona shows just how much the power dynamic between them has shifted when she humbly apologizes for the error like Cordelia's servant. What a difference an episode or two make. Hank grabs Cordelia's hand and she sees flashes of him with Kaylie again. She demands to know who "the redhead is" and Hank plays dumb, which is unwise. She says he better come clean about everything because she'll see it sooner or later anyway. Yeah! Eventually her new power will learn to stop burying the he-murdered-a-girl lede! She tosses him out onto the street while he protests "baby, you're my heart!" like a boy band member. Fiona calls him "jughead" on his way out, which made me laugh. After he leaves, Cordelia bitterly says "I wanted to sever his arms and throw him out the window." Oh, honey. We've all been there. Can somebody get Cordelia a Taylor Swift album and a pint of gelato, already? Damn. House full of women and no one knows how to treat a break-up properly.
Fiona tries to comfort Cordelia by telling her that her new gift of sight is hard to live with, but it's the greatest gift to have. Fiona speaks a little too soon. When she tries to help her undress, Cordelia sees Fiona burning Myrtle and is horrified and betrayed. Cordelia: "No! That cannot be!" Blind seer Sarah Paulson is a particularly Broadway kind of Sarah Paulson, isn't she?
Up in the attic, the girls are interrogating a tied-up Spalding. Zoe accuses him of killing Madison and tells Nan to read his thoughts. He says he's not afraid of children, which leads to a big laugh when we see a flashback to Zoe getting out of his hold by hitting him over the head with a cute little doll. Zoe heats up a metal spatula on Spalding's hot plate (god, how depressing is it that Spalding lives off of a hot plate?), and threatens him with its red hot power. A metaphor for female sexuality! (Not really.) She burns his chest with the spatula and it sizzles like an egg, which makes Queenie giggle. Nan's the only one who has a problem with this. I know you think he killed your friend, guys, but jeez. She was a mere frenemy at best!
Zoe asks him again if he killed Madison, and he thinks up a remarkably poetic monologue for Nan to hear about how he had to kill Madison because of his insatiable desires as a necrophiliac. He also thinks that they obviously can't go to the police about this because they are basically the Sopranos now and cops have somehow become the enemy. Queenie objects that there is something she can do, and she picks up the piping hot spatula and presses it into her cheek, transferring the injury to Spalding. Poor Spalding, man. He's abused and humiliated almost as much as Mellie Grant is.
Queenie laughs her ass off as she cooks Spalding's face, but Zoe grabs the spatula from her and says he's had enough. Besides, she's not even sure he killed Madison anyway. After living with witches this long he must know how to deceive them, plus, he's obsessed with keeping secrets. Queenie's like, ok then who did it?
Enough about them, it's Misty Day time!!! She's in the swamp, just chewing gum and kicking ass, AKA humming Stevie Nicks jams and doing some light gardening. She pours some swamp water on a body-sized mound of dirt, and as a charred red hand begins to emerge from the mud we know that she is nursing Myrtle Snow back to health the way she did with Kyle. Speaking of Kyle, he's here now. Hi, Kyle! How was your Halloween?
Misty gives him a bath to the sweet, sweet sounds of Stevie on a yellow portable 8-track player. Everything's going well until her sponge gets a little too close to Kyle's junk and he has an inner flashback to his abuse at the hands of his mother. Misty calms him down for a moment but that quickly passes when another flashback comes and Kyle loses his shit. He jumps out of the tub and goes on a butt-bearing rampage trashing Misty's house, including her beloved 8-track player. NOOOOOO!!! Misty's inconsolable (and so is Kyle, actually). She calls him a "big ol' monster," but before they can have a serious confrontation Zoe appears in the door. Kyle runs to her and hugs her like a toddler whose mom has shown up late to pick him up at daycare. Misty: "Get him out of here. He broke Stevie." Oh, Misty! At least you still have your flawless collection of vintage boots. Zoe says she's taking both of them with her because she needs Misty's help. Oh, girl. Don't we all?
Marie's salon. She's closing up shop for the night when Hank strides up exhibiting a strong sense of urgency. Hank: "We got a problem." Marie looks annoyed, but I think that's just her face. They go inside.
Back at Miss Robichaux's, there's a whole lot happening. Zoe is chaining Kyle to a support beam in the conservatory (I base my classifications of all the areas in Miss Robichaux's on the house in Clue) while Misty awaits instruction. Zoe has set Madison's body up on a table, and she looks like curdled cottage cheese at this point. Zoe asks Misty what she can do, and Misty sniffs the body like a dog. Misty's like just bury her at this point, she's extremely dead and besides, she doesn't even have all her arms! Zoe's like no prob, I have the other one. They glue Madison's arm on with some swamp mud, and Misty gets to work. She puts her hands on her face and tells Zoe to push on her stomach to push the death out. Seems like an easy enough process. Within seconds Madison's sputtering and breathing, which turns to screaming. She sits up with a start and is alive and well. "I need a cigarette." I hope they have a flagship Sephora in New Orleans, because it's going to take a whole lot of VIB points to cover up that rotting face of hers.
Marie and Hank in her back room. Hank's furious about Marie's acid attack on Cordelia, but she coolly denies it, saying if she wanted to blind his wife she wouldn't even have to leave her room. So, is that true? Did Myrtle really blind Cordelia? Or was it UPCOMING GUEST STAR STEVIE NICKS? Sorry, got excited. Hank tells Marie all about Cordelia's new gift of sight, which is going to be a considerable problem going forward. Marie agrees, they do have a problem. She's had him on her payroll as a witch hunter (secrets: revealed!) for six years, and she's not happy with the quality of the results. Hank's like, what are you talking about? I kill witches all the time!
We flash to Kaylie meeting with Cordelia at Miss Robichaux's. They're having a kind of info meeting. Kaylie's not sure if the Academy is for her, but Cordelia thinks they have to get her firestarting under control. Flashback within a flashback to Kaylie's boyfriend breaking up with her. She's devastated, but he says she freaks out his friends and his mom hates her. Kaylie loses it and sets his hands on fire so he can't leave. But hey, at least she's never been convicted of arson! Cordelia tells her they can teach her to control and refine her abilities at the school, but Kaylie doesn't want to be powerful. She just wants to find a husband and have kids. "I think I have a good shot. I work out and I play fantasy football." Ehh, that kind of is all you need if that's your only goal in life. Good thinking, Kaylie.
Hank reminds Marie that he's killed nine Salem descendants in three years, five of whom he never would have found without Delia's research. Marie jokes that maybe she should be on her payroll instead. Hank balks at that, but Marie accuses him of playing house at Miss Robichaux's because he's in love with Cordelia. He calls her accusations bullshit, but the way Marie sees it the witches are "mouthier" (amazing) than ever, showing up at her salon, digging up LaLaurie, killing Bastian. Marie curses Fiona and demands Hank bring her all the heads in Miss Robichaux's and burn the house to the ground, or she'll kill him. Yeah, good luck with that, you two.
In the kitchen, Queenie accurately mentions how bizarre their lives have become as Misty raids the fridge (atta girl!). Queenie wants to tell Fiona about Madison, but Zoe wants to keep her and Kyle a secret for now. Misty refuses to take Kyle, and tells Zoe to take her home. Zoe asks her to stay the night, and informally offers a prospective place in their coven, but Misty's not interested. OMG, because she wants to join MY coven? No, it's because she's getting serious bad vibes in the house; there's something foul in there.
Cordelia locks herself in her bedroom and stumbles along to the bed. She sits down and manages to find and take her pain meds after feeling around her nightstand for a few seconds. As she disrobes for bed, the Axeman's noir saxophone theme fires up on the soundtrack, and the camera pulls out to reveal him sitting in her bedroom. "I always hated this room." Goddammit, Zoe.
Queenie, Nan and Zoe play nursemaid to Madison, who doesn't seem to remember much. She asks if she was in a car crash, and Zoe's just like umm, drink this! And gives her some ginger ale. Madison drinks it but immediately pukes it up. So she's got a long way to go, but her rotty face is already completely cured. The ugly sweater they have her in isn't doing her complexion any favors, but at least she looks like the living. Queenie asks if she remembers who she is, and like a true teen idol she hilariously goes for the superficial: "I'm Madison Montgomery. I make seven million dollars a picture. I have two Teen Choice Awards." Yes, all the key stats that make you who you are, Madison.
Zoe tells her that she died and they brought her back. Queenie asks the last thing she remembers, and we see a blurry flash of red. We know it's Fiona's dress on the night she killed her, but Madison doesn't remember that -- yet. She only remembers the color red. Nan wants to know if the rumors about a white light are true, but Zoe says they're not. "There's nothing on the other side. It's just black. Forever." Madison, it's polite to lie in these situations. Give the people what they want!
Cordelia and the Axeman in her bedroom. She demands to know who he is and what he wants. He slowly rises with his axe and approaches her. He pushes her against the wall and says he wants "Release," which sounds more than a little bit sexual. Cordelia's terrified as he spills the beans about how witches murdered him in that room, rendering his spirit a prisoner in the house indefinitely as the parties raged on outside. He seems sadder about missing the true jazz era of the '20s than anything else, because, as you know, JAZZ PEOPLE AND THEIR JAZZ. He also mentions that the night before, Zoe promised him his release and then double-crossed him, so he's extra unhappy with witches at the moment. Cordelia tries to get to safety by claiming she can only help him if he lets her go, but he's wised up over the years and refuses. He begins threatening her with his axe, demanding that she call the witches who owe him his freedom to her room. Cordelia starts screaming.
Zoe, Nan and Queenie run to her door, but find it locked. Suddenly, the power goes out and some infernal jazz music starts playing from nowhere. Queenie: "You released him???" Zoe: "I told him I would! I lied." Obviously, that didn't go as planned. Zoe runs downstairs to find a spell to save them all as the Axeman aggressively chases Cordelia around her bedroom. He's either playing with his toy or he's terrible at murdering people, because he just cannot make contact with Cordelia. He hacks up just about everything else in the room but her, taking out most of her furniture as she seeks refuge under a table. It doesn't look like great protection, but it works for a surprisingly lengthy amount of time while Zoe gets her shit together.
Zoe runs her hands over a collection of very old books (one of which is titled Archiv fur Gynackologie because LADY HOUSE) which Queenie colorfully describes as a "shit ton of books, not one of which is written in English." Zoe's powers quickly lead her to the correct book and the correct page (Supreme!), she takes Queenie and Nan's hands and begins reciting the spell. Within seconds the candles in the room light up and Cordelia is alone in her room. They rush to her, and a traumatized Delia feels all over Nan's face to confirm that she's not the Axeman, a blind trope that she's acquired awfully quickly. So they're saved! What wonderful news. What's less wonderful is that outside we see the Axeman strolling out of the house and walking right out onto the street, a free man. Great.
Fiona's where any reasonable person would be – at the bar. She plays with her hair a little bit and a big chunk of it falls out in her hands from the chemo, leaving her panicked and demoralized. Just in time for the Axeman to sidle up beside her and validate her with, "Well hello, pretty lady. What are you drinking?" I would say this ought to make Hank's job a lot easier, but Fiona can read minds now. And besides, two puny men aren't taking down the HBIC witch – that's a woman's job. Take your bets on it being Cordelia, Misty or Zoe now. I say Cordelia!
week: Cordelia learns the truth about who killed Madison and she's pissed! Queenie visits Marie! Fiona bangs the Axeman! Kathy Bates returns! Sounds like a big one, kids.
Mindy Monez would buy Misty Day 100 new outdated yellow stereos and corresponding Steve Nicks tapes if only she could. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.