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With Leila's ouster serving as a source of anxiety for some (Victoria) and a source of stankness for others (Yvonne), the girls have a challenge in which they must serve as a model for a video game character. Rob is their acting partner, and model Chrissy Teigen is on hand to judge. Victoria's gangly gawky self is a pure delight to watch, particularly in a suit featuring a big neon crotch. But it is Laura who proves frustratingly good at everything and wins the challenge. Her pwn (and no, I still don't really know what that is!) will be featured in something called "Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception," which seems less exciting than just getting a bunch of jewelry or something. I am clearly not the target market for any part of this episode.
Brittany is frustrated that she didn't win the challenge, particularly since she brought all sides of her Disney self to the shoot. In a prize for all of us, we're treated to one of Victoria's calls home to her mom, in which she states that she misses both the conversations she has with her mom, and their "country cooking." Is that some sort of euphemism?
The shoot for the week is steampunk-themed, and thus also another-thing-that-Potes-doesn't-really-understand-themed. Whatever, I am old! I just listen to Joni Mitchell albums all day and eat country cooking and don't know anything about anything else. Anyway, there are trains, and Victorian-era-ish clothes, and weird things on faces, and also an owl named Groovy. Sadly, Groovy does not peck anyone in the face, which must be a breach of her contract.
Yvonne's pattern of stankness continues as she cops an attitude when Johnny decides to change her skirt mid-shoot. She actually sticks out her tongue, which gets the attention of the ubiquitous Bryanboy, who thinks that she's rude and not recognizing all of the time and hard work that everyone is putting into the shoot. In turn, Yvonne thinks that Bryanboy is rude for calling out her stankness like that. I generally don't find Bryanboy to be a very sympathetic character, but do feel a little for him for not only having to take on Yvonne but also Disney Brittany, who feels the need to discuss the fact that he was sad that she didn't go home last week. In the end she determines to whistle while she works and manages to pull out a pretty good photo.
While Laura continues the trend of making us all mad by being so good and winds up with the week's best photo by far, it's stank Yvonne and -- gasp! -- Victoria who land in the bottom two. And at this moment I have to admit that I started to get a little panicky about the possibility of my precious Vick going home before I could fully learn and replicate her calisthenics routine. Happily she is spared, and Yvonne gets sent home on the last train to Stankville.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Challenges, judges' scores, social media, blah blah blah. Tyra tried to rock a scraggly wig. And Leila went home because she was too obsessed with Laura. Or something.
We enter with the girls returning home to see Nastasia's best of week haute cheerleader photo displayed as digital art. Nastasia tells us that Leila's elimination was a wake-up call to everyone, since she was a favorite. Now the fact that anybody can be eliminated at any time is widely understood. Kiara gets to share the Tyra Suite with Nastasia, which is completely uncontroversial. After last week's drama, this is quite a relief for everyone, and especially the viewing audience.
Laura, meanwhile, is over living and working and constantly being around a whole bunch of other girls. Especially ones who tell her that she's self-obsessed! Her focus now is on winning everything. I mean, I suppose that's a good strategy. And then there's Brittany, who is still in shock after being in the bottom two at panel. She thought she was a goner, as we all did, but managed to claw her Disney self back into the competition. As she notes, this was no thanks to her social media scores. In fact, Leila had about a 1.5 point advantage in the fan vote category. To make matters worse, Bryanboy noted aloud that Leila was his favorite girl and shook his head, thus making Brittany feel like he was the evil queen to her Snow White. For some reason this also pisses off Yvonne. Basically, she just likes to be mad, I think. Brittany realizes that she needs to do a 180 to stay in the competition, and feels so passionately about it that she says H-E-double-hockey-sticks. Escandalo! Is that how Sleeping Beauty talks? Kristin, of course, is thrilled that Leila is gone. She wants all the competitors out, and is happy that she won't have to worry about Leila (unless of course she comes back based on fan votes, which I think is a distinct possibility).
Yvonne tells us that being in this competition involves getting up early and staying up really late and having long days and being really tired a whole bunch. Ugh, it's SO much more tedious than being a social worker, I bet. She's over it, and calls her friend Brandon to tell him so. Victoria, a keen observer of humans, notes that Yvonne's head doesn't seem to be in the game. Yvonne tells Brandon that the girls are treated like products rather than people. If she's upset by this after a few weeks of modeling for a reality show, she should probably just go back to school and get that degree in modern dance or whatever it is that she does.
With that it's morning. Though most of the girls are slumbering in their beds, Victoria is pounding it out on the treadmill. Her long, skinny limbs were made for power walking! Poor Victoria is quite anxious and hasn't been sleeping. She's very worried about her standing in the competition. And also I'm guessing it's hard for her to doze off when she's not naked and spooning her mom. The girls then head to Culver Studios, where they see cameras and sensors all over the place. Rob is there in real-life and video game form, along with real-life and video game supermodel Chrissy Teigen. As real life Rob and Chrissy talk, video game Rob and Chrissy move and talk along with them. Rob says that both of them have worked on video games before, and this is how it all begins. They emerge from behind a screen in their video game filming suits, replete with sensor buttons and bright, colorful crotches. Do you think that's purely for decoration? Or is this to subliminally encourage us to think even more about Rob's junk?
Chrissy tells the girls that their challenge today is to bring a game character to life using every tool in their modeling chest. Their bony, bony modeling chest. Taylor Kurosaki, the narrative lead for Naughty Dog, is on hand. Naughty Dog's approach to video games entails something called the active cinematic experience. This means that actors record their voices and their movements at the same time. Taylor and Chrissy will be judging, and the winner will get to record their very own signature pwn, which will be featured in something called Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception. For those of us who are too old to know what a pwn is, Rob explains that it's like the little dance that football players do when they score a touchdown. And really: if Ms. Pac Man doesn't do it, I don't know about it. Does it involve eating a fruit for bonus points?
Chrissy introduces stunt movement coordinator Mike Mukatis, who will teach the girls a few basic moves. First, though, they must get suited up. So many colorful crotches! Victoria practices her pwn, which looks a lot like calisthenics. Mike goes through the storyline and corresponding moves. Basically, Rob and the models are on a ship that is about to blow up and scampering to get off. But the female character is a dumb bitch who forgot her camera and actually goes back for it. She then has to jump over a thing and grab a thing and jump over another thing and roll. And then the ship blows up. But everyone is safe and stuff, regrettably. I think they should have to do this for real, with an actual ticking bomb nearby.
Laura is up first, and seems to do a fine job flipping over things and whatnot. She does her short and sweet pwn, which involves a high kick. Chrissy and Taylor think that she's fabulous, and Laura of course thinks that she's fabulous as well. As Laura brags about how well she's done, Kristin notes that even though they've been friends since this whole thing began (friends enough to controversially share the Tyra Suite, in case you forgot!), Laura is her biggest competition. So I guess by the episode she'll try to get Laura to punch her in the face or something. Kristin is up , and is especially goofy in a rather endearing way. Her pwn is hilarious. Wait, but then Taylor sounds like he calls the little dancing thing a "taunt." Then what is a pwn? Get off my lawn you darned kids, Golden Girls reference, etc. etc.
Yvonne is , and she complains that this doesn't seem like modeling to her at all. Does any of this seem like modeling to anyone post season 2? Though Yvonne claims that she'll try her hardest, Brittany thinks that she's phoning it in. I imagine that when it's Brittany's turn, the video game will turn into the "It's a jolly holiday with Mary" scene from Mary Poppins, and she'll do a solid job in twirling her parasol. Kiara, Allyssa, and Nastasia all seem to have uneventful shoots, and then it's time for Victoria. She has the grace of a one-legged flamingo, so you can imagine how she does in, like, moving anywhere and doing anything. At one point she looks like an actual frog, and Taylor and Chrissy both admit that they cracked up while watching her. Then there's Brittany, who per usual is uber sincere about everything. Her strategy to win is to show her sweet Disney self. This paradoxically entails grunting a lot. Taylor and Chrissy both think that she embodied the character very well. What do you have to do to embody the character other than jump over an invisible thing and flash your colorful neon crotch?
Chrissy and Taylor and Rob give all the girls kudos, but we soon learn that the winner is Laura. She gets $10,000 in her scholarship bank, and gets to be in the video game with her pwn-taunt. While Laura is thrilled to have won her first challenge, Brittany is downtrodden. However, she says that she can't let herself feel beat down and discouraged. Rather, she'll slap a smile on her face, stuff away her annoyances, and kick ass. Repression! It's the Disney way. Put that in your cryogenic freezer and take it out in 200 years! Chrissy then takes a few moments to talk with the models about the importance of social media, and how to deal with all the assholes out there (yours truly included) who say mean things about you. She suggests turning it into a game, where you pretend like you don't even care. And then go home and cry salty tears into your pillow while swigging Ramona pinot grigio out of the bottle. Fun game, better than Scattergories, even. Chrissy also suggests being sweet, and real. What if your real self isn't sweet? We shall see Yvonne deal with this conundrum momentarily!
When the girls return home, they see the challenge scores. Laura is of course at the top with a 9, while Kristin, Brittany and Yvonne all had 8s. Victoria and Nastasia are at the bottom, with a 6 and a 5 respectively. Laura claims that she's depressed because she only got a 9 and not a 10. Oh, can it, blondie. She's like the Gwyneth Paltrow of this competition. That is NOT a compliment. You know who REALLY is deservedly depressed is Victoria. She feels like she's given everything she can give, and is really scared about her position in the competition. Brittany is frustrated, because she thought she might finally win. If only it were a Disney brand video game where a bird friend landed on her shoulder and told her to cheer up!
Oh, and then it's time for Victoria to call home. She's mostly just cool and aloof when she gets her mom on the line. Ha! No, just kidding, she's a fucking mess, per usual. She cries and tells her mom how much she misses her, and misses their conversations, and -- wait for it -- their country cooking. Leave it to Victoria to be raised inside of a Cracker Barrel. She says that she can't even taste the food without her mom there. Sometimes, she says, she gets so down, but then she thinks of her mom and it keeps her going. Victoria is distraught and despondent and whatever other synonyms for sad she learned in her home school English course. Whoever cast her on this show should absolutely win an Emmy, and maybe some sort of Nobel-esque prize.
After a break, that Zach Galifianakis guy in a wig shows up at the house with some Tyra Mail: "The clock is ticking. Get your booties in gear. It may not be the end of the world, but it's the wild wild west out there! Transmission over." I mean, that's about as cryptic as anything they've gotten. The ladies head off to some sort of railroad setting, where Johnny awaits. He explains that the theme for today's shoot is steampunk. Oh, great, another thing I don't understand. Can't they just throw me a bone and have a shoot called "Priscilla Queen of the Desert" or "Laverne and Shirley"? Laura tells us that steampunk is mixing Victorian style with 19th century mechanics. All of those words together still mean nothing to me. Top Model favorite Mike Ruiz is on hand to photograph, and tells the girls that not only will they be working with very elaborate costumes in front of crazy vintage trains, but they will be working with a very temperamental co-star WHOOOOOOOO (cough cough) they will meet later. Not a one of these girls has ever sung "Old MacDonald," apparently, and so they're guessing that maybe their co-star will be a lion or tiger or horse. Not ONE episode of Mr. Rogers, even?
As the girls get their (crazy cool) hair and makeup done, Kristin asks Johnny if they'll be shooting with some sort of extreme wild animal. He asks if there's anything that she couldn't handle, and Kristin says that she can deal with anything except for a monkey or maybe a bird. I suppose we can only hope that the owl will get a good peck to her forehead. We then cut to Mike and Johnny introducing the shocking co-star, Groovy the Owl. Johnny says that Groovy has a sharp beak and sharp claws and is a little unpredictable, so the girls should keep her at a good distance from their face. Except for Kristin, who should place Groovy exactly inch from the bridge of her nose and then engage in a staring contest.
Laura is up first, channeling a crazy mad hatter. She tells us that she loves going first, because it gives her the opportunity to set the bar high for the other girls. Laura may sometimes come off like quite a twat, but she really can model. Her poses are great, and Mike just screams, "Gorgeous!" Bryanboy, who's just sort of constantly hovering around, is impressed at how Laura nailed basically every shot. Oh God, and speaking of Bryanboy, Brittany feels the need to go confront him about his reaction at panel. The steampunk look is not doing her any favors, I have to say, as she looks rather like a cross between a homeless Helena Bonham Carter and Tiny Tim. I guess that's just "Helena Bonham Carter," now that I think about it. Also, nobody cares if Bryanboy shook his head when Leila went home. He tells Brittany to be confident, and then she blathers on about being her Disney self for a while. I mean, she seems like a nice enough girl, but also is one of the most boring humans I've ever gazed upon. Brittany's conversation with Bryanboy gives her ever more determination, and Johnny likes the variety that she's giving.
Meanwhile, as the girls wait around, Kristin wonders aloud if those who have already shot have to wait until the others are finished before they leave. Yvonne says that she's pretty sure they do, since they always have, and it sucks. Kiara wonders what's going on with Yvonne and her incessant complaining lately. Wasn't she always like that? Nastasia is to shoot, and per usual her struggle is that she comes off as short. She looks very cool though. Then there's Kiara. Johnny asks her for intensity, and she seems to give it. Victoria, however, is not impressed. Allyssa exists and a bird poops on her shoe, and that's about all we know about her for this entire episode. Kristin is , and is a little freaked out by the bird. Mike Ruiz taunts (or pwns?) her by saying, "Without risking your life, just bring the bird a little closer to you." Have I mentioned how gorgeous Groovy is? Laura tries to make the Kristin bird situation into some dramatic thing, but it's really not that big of a deal. Sadly, no pecking takes place.
And then there's stank Yvonne. About midway through the shoot, Johnny notes that her skirt is a bit cumbersome and is making Yvonne look short. They stop shooting and tell Yvonne that they're going to change her skirt. She gives a sarcastic, "Awesome!" and tells us that she doesn't understand why they didn't just change her right away when they first saw her. And then she sticks out her tongue! Bryanboy is not feeling the attitude, and tells her that everyone there is working really hard. "With the exception of Bryanboy," I would add. Yvonne cuts him off to tell him that she gets his point -- he thought it was rude. As Bryanboy yells, "What WAS that?" we head to commercials.
When we return, Yvonne is still being stank and Bryanboy is still telling her off. Now Yvonne thinks that Bryanboy is the one being rude, and she assures us that she's not going to take it. Yvonne yells an angry apology to everyone, assuring them that it was nothing personal. Bryanboy asks how she would feel if this were a real client, and she gets more and more irritated. But on the surface she assures everyone that she's quite happy to be there and her tongue-sticking-outing was not a personal attack on anyone. The right hook that she serves to Bryanboy's face will, however, be a personal attack on Bryanboy. Bryanboy tells us, quite sensibly, that you can't complain in front of anyone, especially in the fashion industry where every girl is disposable. Like Pampers, all. Victoria tells us that Yvonne has become more and more negative throughout the competition, and it's going to hold her back. After the change in skirt, Johnny tells Yvonne to snap out of it, because her annoyance is coming through on camera. I feel like Groovy should peck her on the temple once just for good measure.
Finally, there's Victoria. Johnny asks her how she feels, which is a mistake. Victoria tells him that she's come up with a backstory. And oh what a backstory it is! It involves a boyfriend who is the head of a traveling animal circus. Steampunk Victoria, an animal rights activist, is upset at how some of the animals are being treated. Also, he cheats on her and so she kills him and sets the animals free. And this shoot is Victoria and Groovy, standing there triumphant and rocking it. In the words of Mike Ruiz, "That is some serious backstory." Her shoot seems to go okay, though Kristin tells us that Victoria got too into her character, which she always does, because she has no concept of how to be a regular human.
Meanwhile, Yvonne is still stewing, and Kiara quite sensibly tells her that Bryanboy will probably tell the judges what happened. She advises Yvonne to put on a smile, and also talk to Bryanboy. To her credit, Yvonne realizes that she has a hot temper and can be an asshole, and also doesn't want anyone to think that she's super mean, even though she totally is. She actually cries as she approaches Bryanboy, and tells him that she didn't mean to insult anyone. Bryanboy seems cool with this quasi-apology, though tells her that in this context she might be judged by her photo, but in the real world she'll be judged overall. And nobody likes stankness wafting up from a pretty girl!
Back at the house, there are lots of nerves. Kristin is worried that she didn't get a good photo, while Yvonne is concerned that she overdid it with the attitude. As they discuss, Kristin agrees with Yvonne that Bryanboy is a brat to everyone, and Yvonne points out that he never even spoke to her until today. Victoria, meanwhile, is under the impression that Johnny wasn't thrilled with her photo shoot. She feels sick and anxious, and says that without a good photograph she'll be out of the competition. If that is ever true, I will certainly vote for her 1,000,000 times in whatever forum is most effective.
With that, it's panel time. There are prizes, there are judges. Bryanboy is wearing a belle chapeau, and kind of looks like the "Ascot Gavotte" scene from My Fair Lady mixed with Friedrich from The Sound of Music. I guess that's his signature look? Kiara is up first, and Kelly says that her face is really stuck and isn't giving any energy. She also says that Kiara looks like a 32-year-old woman and not a 20-year-old model. Raise your hand if you think being called a 32-year-old woman is a riotous compliment. Rob and Tyra disagree, though, and say that Kiara looks like a fierce, tall lady. Bryanboy says that he personally is impressed by Kiara, but social media disagrees. They are not feeling her. Oh God, and then these jerks make Kiara read a viewer comment about herself, in which someone named Jessica says that she looks like a man with makeup. Maybe this whole season is Tyra's exercise in feeling better about her own online comments? Everybody is mean to everybody, we know. Kelly gives Kiara a 6, while Rob gives her a 7 and Tyra gives her an 8.
is Victoria. I think her photo is basically fine, but Tyra says that, in comparison with earlier photos, Victoria is not the same girl, and can do a lot better. Kelly disagrees somewhat, saying that it's a usable photo even though it may not be the best photo. Rob thinks that the whole thing is too safe, and Bryanboy delivers the sad news that Victoria's social media scores are going down. This is because voters hadn't yet had a chance to see her calisthenics routine, I am certain! Tyra asks Victoria to address her critics, and then it all gets a little sad and desperate. However, Kelly says that Victoria has done an excellent job taking criticism, which shows that she has the ability to grow. She gives Victoria an 8, while Rob gives her a 6 and Tyra gives her a 7.
is Kristin. The overall verdict is that her face is pretty good, but the body is crapola. To add insult to insult, Kristin's online scores are going down, which Bryanboy says proves that no one is safe. Kristin gets a 7 from Kelly, a 6 from Rob, and an 8 from Tyra, who obviously is manipulating the scoring at every turn. is Nastasia. She has run into the same problem with her short-looking body, according to Kelly, who also thinks that her face looks sad. Tyra thinks that Nastasia looks beautiful but short, and tells her to figure out how to pull and gain a few inches. The online fans don't seem to care about the short factor, though, and love Nastasia. Bryanboy thinks that she's the one to watch. Nastasia gets a 7 from Kelly, a 5 from Rob, and a 9 from Tyra.
Then there's Yvonne. Kelly doesn't think it's working from head to toe, and also does not enjoy Yvonne's face in the shot. Rob says that she could be doing much more, and Bryanboy tells her that though people loved her at first, that love is dissipating like so many stank remarks shouted into the wind. He does of course bring up what happened at the shoot, and Yvonne says that she felt attacked and immediately responded. Afterward, she realized that she had made a mistake and apologized, just so she could have this moment where she told the judges that she apologized. And she wasn't even smart enough to think up this scheme herself! Truly, she deserves to go home. Tyra, however, thinks that the apology was admirable. She does remind Yvonne that as a model, she is hired to perform, be pleasant, and swallow it no matter how rude someone is to her. She adds that the photo shows a stunning model with an attitude problem. Yvonne gets a 7 from Rob, a 5 from Kelly, and a 6 from Tyra.
we have Allyssa. Whoooooo? And speaking of owls, I don't think I have to tell you that Groovy is rocking a smize in every shot, and working the 270 degree neck. Rob says that the awkwardness of Allyssa's face matches the awkwardness of her leg angle. I can't tell if he thinks that's bad or good, but Kelly really likes the silhouette and says that Allyssa is a twisted Pippi Longstocking. Bryanboy tells Allyssa that social media is finding her average this week, which causes a tear to roll down her face. She looks so sad and downtrodden, I feel like something happened that we didn't see. I mean, her scores are fine. Tyra, who wishes that they could plop Kristin's head on Allyssa's body, gives her an 8. Rob gives her a 7, and Kelly gives her an 8.
Brittany is . Kelly says that Brittany is a pretty girl in front of her, but looks ghostlike and kind of blah in the photo. Rob disagrees, though, and says that it's a mesmerizing, amazing shot. Tyra also loves it, and says that she looks like a character from a live action Disney movie. Well, that much is true. They didn't do the branding exercise this year that we saw, but Brittany doesn't seem to care. She's defining her own brand, which is of course already a brand. Bryanboy is really impressed by Brittany, as are the voting fans. Brittany is this week's rising star. Except in the eyes of Kelly, who gives Brittany a 6. Rob and Tyra, however, give her a 9 and a 10 respectively, and Brittany is thrilled.
Her thrill quickly evaporates, however, when the judges see Laura's photo. The picture is very strong, and Rob says that she's like a sponge who absorbs everything they tell her. Tyra simply says that the photo is crazy. It's ugly pretty, and pretty ugly, and all around fantastic. Laura's got crazy angles, which confuses the eye, which is a good thing. Bryanboy reports that everyone online was wowed by the photo, and Kelly says that as professionals, Laura's photo represents everything that everyone wants. E.g., it will make lots of people money. Laura gets 10s across the board, which I think is a first. And Brittany will doubtlessly find no comfort in the fact that second place is the first loser.
Eight beautiful ladies stand before Tyra, but there are only seven photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls who are still in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. The girl who is called first is, duh, Laura. With a fan vote of 7.16 and nearly perfect scores on everything else, she has a total score of 46.2. Brittany is the runner up, with a total score of 39.1 and a fan vote of 6.07. Allyssa is called , with a fan vote of 5.69 and a total of 35.7. Kiara is called , with a fan vote of 4.82 and a total of 32.8. Then there's Nastasia, with a fan vote of 5.84 and a total score of 31.8. Wait, did they call Kristin? I mean, they must have but now I've deleted the episode. In any case, she makes it to another week.
This of course leaves Victoria and Yvonne in the bottom two. The judges feel like Victoria has lost her fire. She has a quirky, interesting thing, but is trying to water it down to appeal to the masses. Um, have they seen her calls home to mom? And then there is Yvonne. She's a strong, amazing model with a body that won't quit. However, her anger shows in her photos, and that held her back this week. Yvonne looks like she wants to rip off Tyra's arm and beat her over the head with it. That actually gives points in her favor, in my opinion. But obviously no one can let Victoria go home until we have squeezed every last drop of crazy out of her for our amusement! She stays, with a fan vote of 4.8 and a total score of 31.7. With a fan vote of 4.48 and a total score of 30.5, Yvonne is out.
Victoria of course breaks down in sobs, and even Yvonne has to chuckle at her a little. Once it seems certain that Victoria is not going to pass out or otherwise have an episode, Tyra tells Yvonne that she's mad at her. Yvonne is stunning and beautiful and has a great figure, and Tyra says that she needs to be a competitor in the race to return to the show. Yvonne says that her argument with Bryanboy kind of messed up her photo shoot. She's not blaming him, except that she kind of is. Yvonne knows that she has an anger issue and an attitude problem, but says that Bryanboy isn't writing her any checks and was rude. I mean, she's not wrong. They never should have given him a seat with the other judges - now he is drunk with power! Though Yvonne didn't really seem like she was feeling the whole modeling thing, she's sad and is going to try to do well in the competition between the eliminated girls.
week: road trip! The girls have to face some mighty winds. And Victoria has problems, including a possible eating disorder! As if you needed to add that to the mix.
Potes wonders if pwning and steampunk are things she already should have known about. Tell her if she should stop watching reruns of Golden Girls long enough to try and figure it out by tweeting @traciepotes or emailing potesypotes@gmail.com.