We're over halfway through the season, folks! I mean, thank God. Soon the remaining five girls will head to Morocco, and then the winner will appear in Vogue Italia, and then we will never think of said winner or any of her lesser competitors again. This has been one dramatic cycle so far, with fake eliminations and panic attacks and giant blood-filled (okay, glitter-filled) hamster balls. Tonight, Tyra and crew will catch us up on all the fierce events of the season so far, as well as all the other freaky stuff that we did not get to see. And we'll check in with Cycle 15 winner, Ann! I can't wait to hear if IMG has given her elocution lessons!
This season, Tyra and the Jays did away with the panel interviews at casting week in order to get right into the competition on day one. Tyra understands that some of us miss those panels, and so gives us a peek at some of the weirdos who did not make the cut. It's the crazy losers montage! No, wait. It's just Tyra dressed up as different archetypal Top Model characters - the overconfident ghetto girl, the stupid blonde, and the above-it-all goth chick. At least it's better than the time Tyra played Snow White. Also I really did want to see the girls who didn't get cast! Some of them probably have really awesome afflictions that we'll never know about.
Tyra brought 32 girls to L.A., but she and the Jays made their decisions behind the scenes and then faux-eliminated the actual top twelve. We flash back to Alexandria being a champ and taking the news well and not being annoying at all. Pretty soon afterwards, though, Tyra revealed the truth to the girls, and showed them that they were in fact standing in their own penthouse loft. There was an animal print theme in the house and a glorious bathtub and a lot of pictures of Tyra at age 16, which had to make some of these girls feel ancient. We see Sara -- remember her? It took me like three minutes to get her name, because as soon as these girls are eliminated they vanish from my brain just like they vanish from the picture before the closing credits. It's the only way I maintain even a marginal sense of sanity. Anyway, Sara says to someone, "Go get your pendulum. It's so much fun." Say what, now? Well, it turns out that resident hippie Hannah has a magic crystal. Yes, a magic crystal. Hannah explains that this crystal, which hangs on a metal chain and is thus known as a "pendulum," checks in with people's chakras, which Hannah thinks have something to do with auras. It's very precise. The pendulum goes from swinging in circles to swaying back and forth, which seems to freak everyone out. I'm sure if they were allowed Ouija Boards they'd bust that out, too, only to find the ghost of Janice Dickinson constantly lurking with a rusty steak knife.
Hannah uses the pendulum to check in with Alexandria's vagina chakra, and Alexandria pretends to hump it. Well, that gives us our answer, I guess. Everyone instantly comes to the decision that they should check Jaclyn's vagina chakra, I'm guessing because she's pure as the Texas snow. As Jaclyn tells us, she was sound asleep and the others woke her up to give Hannah's voodoo-looking crystal ball thing a whirl over her virginal lady bits. They lay her out on a table - the table upon which they eat! - and the thing swings just like it does every other time. We're never told exactly what this means, and then Jaclyn goes back to bed while everyone laughs. At least that didn't turn into some sort of sacrificial thing.
It didn't take long before Dominique rallied the other girls to try out their in-house runway through the time honored method of talking like a drag queen. But not only did the girls have to rock the runway, they had to work it in paper bags! Some of these ladies have a level of Project Runway arts and crafts realness going on, here. Sara, Alexandria and Nicole are the judges, and Dominique plays both Miss J. and Mr. Jay. She throws in a "honey chile" for good measure, which seems about right.
The first challenge of the season also had to do with a runway, but this runway, as you may remember, was only twelve inches wide and found in a pool. And instead of wearing plastic bags, the girls had to work plastic bubbles. By plastic bubbles, Tyra means giant hamster balls. First, they had a photo shoot with photographer Russell James, who was trying to capture the organic backstage moments of a fashion show. Molly and Brittani showed themselves as serious contenders early on, while Dominique and Angelia struggled with being natural in front of the camera. And then it was time for the glorious runway show. As Tyra says, there was some bubble trouble. Surprisingly and somewhat sadly, most of the girls managed not to totally humiliate themselves. Ondrei, however, just narrowly avoided cracking her head open, and then had to scramble to try to get out of the pool while still encased in the bubble. Hilarity ensued, but then Dominique came around and increased the level of hilarity tenfold as she fell and flopped around in the ball in an excruciating attempt to make it to land. Her good humor about the situation saved her, and it was Angelia -- whose photo failed to say "model" -- who was the first eliminated.
After a commercial break, we see sweet-as-pie Jaclyn turning 20. The girls throw her a little party and give her handmade cards in which they compare her to various desserts, like I just did. Molly tells us that she wants to put Jaclyn in her bag and carry her around like a puppy because she's so fucking cute. I do think pocket-sized Jaclyn would be a huge seller. Sara tells us that Jaclyn is the sweetest little baby everywhere, which is not patronizing, but true since Jaclyn squeals things like, "I want to be a woman!" Jaclyn confessionalizes that you only turn 20 once, and she's going to be a real woman. She refers to herself thrice as a woman in an attempt to convince herself of that. Tyra tells us that Jaclyn may think that she's a woman, but she reversed right back to a child when faced with housekeeping. Apparently Jaclyn doesn't know how to put on a pillowcase? Seems about right. She yells for Monique, saying that she needs her help in making her bed. Monique tells us that Jaclyn is kind of getting on her nerves. She was probably very sheltered growing up, Monique says, but she's twenty years old and should know how to put on a fucking fitted sheet by now. Jaclyn whines that she can't get her sheets on the bed right, and Monique tells us that although she has a cute look, Jaclyn probably isn't strong enough to make it. Maybe the inability to apply sheets is why models sometimes pass out in trash dumpsters or whatever?
While Jaclyn was happy to become a woman, Monique was concerned about having too much womanly appeal. She interviews that it may sound funny, but she just doesn't know how not to be sexy. To prove this, we see her shaking her hips, and with her mouth hanging open in the bathtub. Brittani tells Monique that she has the best body she's ever seen, but also acknowledges that Monique is probably too sexy to make it all the way. Monique had apparently confessed to Brittani that -- shocker! -- she wants to do Victoria's Secret, but as Brittani points out in an interview, they're here to do Italian Vogue. Dominique tells us that Monique is "volumptuous" and has ass for days. We see Monique humping an exercise ball for proof. Monique confessionalizes that having a booty is stressful. Girl, tell me about it.
The photo shoot had everyone buzzing as the girls posed in jewelry covered in live bees. Oh, remember how they had to stuff things up their nostrils so the bees wouldn't get up there and sting their brains? This was an edgy beauty shot, and Monique and Kasia impressed Jay with their strong poses and piercing eye contact despite the distracting insects. Meanwhile Nicole, who I don't remember at all, lacked energy. Ondrei seemed lost, although her attention was elsewhere. Back at the house, Ondrei confided to the other girls that she was having a hard time coping with the recent death of her brother and was debating whether or not to leave the competition to be with her family. During a nutrition-based teach the day, the pressure got to be too much for her. As the guest dietician was talking about how you can eat small meatballs or whatever, Ondrei sank to the floor and then collapsed into tears. Tyra went back to check out what was going on, and removed Ondrei's headwrap. Apparently Ondrei fainted or something. Tyra calls the doctor as everyone else looks on with concern. At panel, Ondrei told the judges that she was ready to go home. Unfortunately for the others, there was still an elimination. Nicole looked weathered beyond her years and for this grave crime was sent home.
We then get a montage of Sara being weird. Sara wears sports bras and funny glasses! Sara admitted to having hairy legs! Sara maybe pretended to hump Monique. Tyra tells us that Sara is the kind of unique girl with an unusual look that Tyra loves for Top Model. And the girls all loved her quirks, with the exception of Dominique, who could not get past Sara's trademark finger wag. Yes, Sara has a trademark finger wag. She apparently dropped it into casual conversation on the regular, and Dominique was forced to ask what the fuck is up with her worm-like index finger. She tells us that Sara is different, and then tells Sara that she looks a little stupid. Sara wags her finger fervently and tells Dominique not to be mean. She explains to us that she likes to be a clown, but if you're a meanie who is just looking for trouble, you're going to get trouble. And it's going to come with a table leg. By table leg does she mean a finger wag? Sara tells Dominique that she wants to kick her in the vagina. FYI, if Dominique is kicked in the vagina, she will kick you in your head. And Sara will always wag her finger in your face.
As makeovers drew near, the girls found a big screen in their house designating the makeover styles but not telling who would get which look. Speculation took over the house. Hannah, Sara and Dalya confessionalize that Molly is very high maintenance, and if she doesn't like her haircut she will bitch about it for all eternity. And then when makeover day arrived, their fears became real as Molly got the stank weave from hell. We see the psychotic poodle meets Dee Snyder meets synthetic material that is implanted into Molly's head, and in a confessional Molly promises a shitstorm if someone does not remove it. That thing truly was heinous. At least Molly had a legit excuse for her rage. Alexandria proved high-maintenance without cause. She confronted her weavologist about the extensions that she's been given, and then cried that she didn't like fake hair and wanted to make sure that it looked okay. Miss J. looks on, perhaps wanting to wag his finger or kick Alexandria in the vagina. The real success story of the day was Brittani's fabulous bob, which really is one of the best makeovers that this show has produced.
The photo shoot showcased the models' makeovers as well as some couture fashion, and was styled by Lori Goldstein and shot by Pamela Hanson. Not only were the clothes extra-special, but Lori spent extra time on each girl, adding fingerless gloves and unattractive hats, as she is wont to do. Despite Molly's weave rage, she came through beautifully on a joint shot with Kasia. Alexandria continued her streak of being a pain in the ass as she dealt with a mysteriously swollen lip (I like to call it "the hive of karma"), and even snitted to Monique during their joint shoot. However, she and Monique delivered a whole bunch of great shots. It was Dominique, dressed like Big Bird's gay cousin, who really struggled and got reamed out by Jay for having no thoughts in her poor freckled head. She was sent home, leaving Sara to wag her finger in joy.
The girls were on fire at the runway challenge -- literally. Well, not literally like Michael Jackson in the Pepsi commercial. But they were surrounded by fire on a runway that was set aflame and had fiery yet flame-retardant gloves on. Brittani, Molly and Dalya looked smoking hot on the catwalk, but Kasia and Sara were running on fumes. Miss J. was not pleased. For their shoot, the girls got Mad Men inspired in a commercial for the fictional Fierce Roast coffee that was directed by the swoon-inducing Francesco Carrozzini. The dialogue was super corny, but the styling was very fun. Kasia rose to the occasion like a pro and worked her Joan Holloway assets. Alexandria was paired with Brittani, and went to the extreme end of her bossy ways. Jay tells us that she was doing his job as well as Francesco's as well as the gaffer's. No one was pleased about this. Alexandria told Francesco that she was just trying to help, and he basically said that if this had been a real commercial, he would fire her. Meanwhile, Sara's feminist principles and inability to fake a convincing sexy look was to her detriment, as she was sent home to return to her career as a creeper.
Now let's turn for a minute to Kasia and stand in awe of the fact that she is 26 years old! And she doesn't even look haggard. I know, right? The general consensus is that Kasia looks somewhere between nineteen and twenty one, and the girls are shocked
at the fact that she is in fact their wizened elder. How does Kasia keep her skin so perfect? I actually think it's the extra fat. Seriously, people, it plumps out the wrinkles. Also, she's not actually 56. But ANTM Productions is going to present Skin Care with Kasia so we can learn her secrets. Kasia tells us that she drinks tons of water all the time, she exfoliates a few nights a week and then applies a serum or something a bit more potent. Then she uses eye cream and sometimes Vitamin E oil. You know, different things. Alexandria points out that if she used "different things" her skin would break out constantly. She hates Kasia for her good genes, which is really what it all comes down to.
The models had a Cover Girl shoot challenge, in which they teamed up to present the latest and greatest crap that Cover Girl has to offer. Each girl was assigned a specific role of writer, director, or talent. Almost everyone worked well together. And then there was Alexandria. She bugged the shit of teammates Monique and Molly, the latter of whom was already on edge due to her whack weave. What we didn't see was the "directors" getting together back home to talk shit about their teams. Monique, of course, complains about Alexandria acting snotty. Hannah complains about stiff Dalya, who started vomiting from the mouth as soon as the camera was turned on. She thinks that she or Jaclyn could have done better.
And then, and I quote, "Alexandria has, uh, not been the most popular girl in the house. But that did not stop her from busting a rhyme to keep her spirits high." Yes, everyone, Alexandria is about to bust a rhyme in the confessional. It goes a little something like this: "I'm not a chump, I'm a champ and I'm in it to win it / I've got natural born swagger, best never forget it / And if you need me to show you well I guess I could / It'd be as easy as another [pregnant pause] doing the hood." Wait, what was that pause about? I don't think I want to know. To prove how street she is, Alexandria is wearing a do-rag. It is really no wonder that everyone finds her so tiresome.
For their photo shoot, the girls got catty with a real live baby jaguar! Oh, that guy. He was truly the highlight of the season. Monique admitted to not being a cat person, but then acknowledged that this wasn't really a cat, but a "jag-wire." I'm going to start using "jag-wire" as a go-to insult in place of "d-bag." Like, "God, Tyra, stop being such a jag-wire all the time." It has a ring to it, no? Hannah got in touch with her wild side, giving fierce couture faux fur in shot after shot. Meanwhile, Molly still couldn't get over her hair and didn't emote anything but annoyance. Dalya became self-conscious and stiff at exactly the wrong time, and her amateur-ish photos got her eliminated. And then there were only the pale people left.
As we know, Jaclyn is a fine young lady from the south the likes of which we haven't seen since Miss Suzanne Sugarbaker. She was not happy with the potty mouths of the other models, and so decided to take matters into her own hands. Yes, Jaclyn creates a swear jar. Too bad she didn't have an old moonshine jug to use, like she would at home. We get a montage of the girls cursing their butts off. My favorite is the confessional which is obviously Brittani's recounting of the raw chicken refrigeration incident: "All I hear is, 'Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Something about chicken.'" Basically, Jaclyn is all set for her college fund.
The girls met their public at a fan challenge that tested their ability to mingle in the spotlight. Tyra knows we all remember that creepy-ass guy who Monique directed to Alexandria for a kiss. But there were other weirdos, too, that we didn't see! One woman says that she would love to have autographed pictures because she can sell them on eBay for a couple of dollars. That woman is an optimist. Another lady wants to touch Alexandria's hair. Alexandria asks if she wants to taste it. Okay, that bit only shows that Alexandria is even weirder than the fan weirdos. We end with the creepy guy telling Molly that her picture is hot, and that he didn't actually think it was her. He sure has a way with the ladies, doesn't he?
Kasia was the winner of the challenge and took Brittani and Jaclyn with her to a fabulous dinner with Miss J. We see new footage of Jaclyn imploring Miss J. to be a matchmaker. She tells him that she may look innocent, but she can flirt her vagina off. That's why the pendulum went so crazy. She asks if he has any people in mind who might want a nice southern girl. Miss J. asks what kind of wallet he should have and Jaclyn responds, "A leather one." I am so sad that she is gone. Back at the house, Alexandria prattled on about how she loves Miss J. and how it's okay that she missed out on this dinner because she'll dine with him in Paris, where she lives. Molly wishes that Alexandria would shut up once in a while. Alexandria will not shut up, and goes on about how she'd like to invite Miss J. to have a glass of wine in St. Tropez and talk about fashion. In the sweet justice category, Alexandria has two giant pimples that are directly facing the camera the whole time she's droning on.
The shoot brought the models closer together, in a mud-covered group shot. The blondes posed together, and Hannah and Molly were smoldering even through the dirt. The brunettes also managed to make the mud look seductive, and Brittani distinguished herself from the pack with her effortless posing. Too-sexy Monique, however, had trouble sustaining her model during the shoot, turning into the dreaded pretty woman. With the competition almost halfway over, the girls were pretty tense. For Alexandria, this pressure became a literal pain. She apparently has a back problem. Not, like, a long-term one. One that developed on the day when this was shot. She screams and whines and moans and asks if anybody can crack a back. Brittani is annoyed by this, much as she is annoyed by everything about Alexandria. She hopes that Alexandria will go home, but instead it was Monique who was sent home. Hopefully the Victoria's Secret people will call!
The girls were super sad about Monique's ouster, but perked up quite a bit when they had a celebrity encounter in their own lobby. It turns out that Usher, of plagiarizing songs from The Simpsons fame, and P. Diddy, of Diddy Dirty Money fame, walked right past them. Brittani tells us that Usher looked her right in the eye and said, "Hey." She almost peed in her pants. She then does a quasi-split and humps the floor, in what is perhaps the oddest physical display I've ever seen. Molly looks on, possibly in horror.
The only celebrity who can possibly outshine the legends Usher and P. Diddy is Top Model's own J. Alexander. The girls talk about which gender pronouns to use with Miss J., which prompts Kasia to say, "I think it's a he." Wow. She realizes her error quickly, but still. Jaclyn is totally befuddled, which is why we may never have heard her call Miss J. by name. Hannah brings up the fact that Miss J. calls himself bitch, which proves absolutely nothing. In the end, the girls decide that Miss J. doesn't care if you call him "Good Sir" or "Milady." Jaclyn remains befuddled.
The girls competed in a photo shoot challenge with Nigel for Ford's breast cancer awareness campaign, called "Warriors in Pink." Jaclyn wore boxing gloves and found her motivation in images of beating the crap out of breast cancer. That's got to be at least a quarter in the cuss jar. The opportunity to work on behalf of such a meaningful cause as well as to win a nationwide campaign and a car had the models very determined to win. However, when Nigel pronounced Alexandria the winner, the other girls were pissed. The kerfluffle of all kerfluffles occurred backstage, as Brittani talked shit about Alexandria while she was in earshot, and then loudly proclaimed th
at she didn't care if Alexandria heard her or not. Further words ensued. While we got to see all that drama, what we missed was Hannah having a meltdown over her critique from Nigel. He told her that she wasn't that memorable, and Hannah freaked out. She cries and cries and tells us through her runny mascara that she doesn't know how to be memorable, and she feels like who she is is enough. She doesn't want to be the girl door if it means that she's just the girl door, she says, and then through hyperventilating sobs she exclaims that she's so [gasp, sob] much [gasp, sob] more [gasp gasp gasp] than that. She's obviously in quite a bit of distress, but for some reason it's kind of hilarious. I mean, for the usual reasons I suppose.
The day after the Warriors in Pink photo shoot, the girls' resentment against Alexandria reached its zenith. The girls began their shit talk at sunrise, and continued for what appears to be at least 14 hours straight. Kasia welcomed the evening by saying that if the ad had been for liquor, Alexandria might have been a good role model. Alexandria tells us that the other girls might not think that she deserved to win, but they don't know her. Kasia adds that she's glad that Brittani told Alexandria how it is, probably because she then didn't have to. Mikaela and Alexandria both compare her new car prize to a cherry on top of a sundae, but in Mikaela's version it's a fucked up sundae.
The photo shoot was on the Universal backlot set at the notorious Bates hotel, featured in the movie Psycho. The girls were supposed to be crazy for fashion, and Jaclyn excelled by looking like The Joker. There's something about a baby face and smeared lipstick that works every time. Meanwhile, Mikaela's portrayal of a shopping fanatic fell flat, despite living many girls' yard sale dreams. At panel, all sorts of drama went down as a result of Alexandria's highly controversial challenge win and Brittani's inability to keep her mouth shut when it counts. Tyra told Brittani that she was a weak role model herself. The judges couldn't get past Brittani's apparent unapologetic attitude, which caused her to panic and flee the judging room. When it came time to deliberate, the panel had plenty to consider. Tyra, of course, thought that they should boot Brittani, but the other judges disagreed. Backstage, we see a more annoying side of Alexandria than we did initially, as she tells Jaclyn that she was finally able to see her mean, coldhearted side when she stood by smiling as Brittani reamed her. Why would you do the equivalent of kicking a really adorable puppy just when people are starting to feel bad for you? Brittani found herself in the bottom two for her unbecoming attitude and lack of sportsmanship, but ultimately Tyra was overruled by the other judges and it was Mikaela who was sent home.
On the limo ride home after panel, Brittani and Alexandria hashed things out. Brittani even admitted that she and Alexandria could be friends if Alexandria didn't have that whole whack side. She apologized, and Alexandria thanked her for apologizing, which may be a different thing than apology acceptance. Alexandria confirmed for us that she's not dumb, but she is a forgiver. To show their newfound maybe-friendship, the two of them danced around the house stupidly together. If only someone thought to try this in the Middle East. Maybe installing a runway on the Gaza Strip would help?
The girls learned that they'd be traveling to Morocco for their overseas adventure, or at least five of six of them would be. This led to more bonding between Brittani and Alexandria. While everyone packed, Molly wondered if she should bring her ripped-out weave along. Turned out that she had grown quite attached to her little horrible hair baby, as long as it wasn't actually on her head. Tyra tells us that in the history of Top Model, no one had quite the hair problems that Molly did. It turns out that Molly's baby-fine hair just couldn't handle this kind of weave, which I'm guessing almost anyone with eyes or fingers or common sense could have predicted. When Tyra saw it in panel, she actually felt kind of bad about it. This didn't stop her from trying to force this hair upon Molly twice. But eventually Tyra had it taken out for good, which allowed Molly the option to send it home and have a sweater made.
The girls headed to go-sees. Tyra says that she was so tired of girls on Top Model not making it to go-sees that she got everyone their own car and driver. What she did not give them was a GPS, or the ability to get directional advice from said drivers. Alexandria triumphed by knowing her way around L.A., charming everyone, and landing a worldwide Lana Marks ad campaign.
Some of the girls were down in the dumps after the go-see challenge, but everyone got there for a landfill-based shoot. Per usual, Molly was less than pleased with her surroundings. She wanted to plug her nose, and also kill the circling seagulls with a bb gun. Nigel called her a complainer. Her attitude held her back and she landed in the bottom two. However, to our great sadness, it was Jaclyn who was eliminated. The show will never be quite so sweet again.
Five girls are left, competing for the title of America's Top Model. But before we crown a new winner, let's check in with Ann Ward, 40-foot tall winner of cycle 15. Since we last saw Ann, she was flown to Paris to shoot with famed photographer Ellen von Unwerth for her March spread in Vogue Italia. The photos look weird and pretty great. Now, Ann is living in New York City and continues to be represented by IMG. We don't actually hear from Ann, which is a great sadness. I hope she's doing okay.
So, five beautiful girls are headed to Morocco. Who will win it all? Will it be Molly, the athletic blonde who has hung on through many bad hair days? Will it be Kasia, the fiercely real girl with more experience than the others combined? Will it be Hannah, the free-spirited Texas girl who stands out in photos, but not in front of the judges? I mean, probably not on that one. Sorry, Hannah. Will it be Alexandria, the California surfer girl who is "frequently misunderstood" but recently "redeemed" herself? Or will it be Brittani, the intense brunette from a trailer park in Pennsylvania? I'm going with Brittani or Molly, but I'm nearly always wrong. Let's hope that Alexandria's quasi-redemption arc becomes more of a bell curve in the last few episodes.
week: a shoot on camel back! And Alexandria appears to revert back to her control freak ways on set.
Potes would prefer that you not dangle a magic pendulum over her vagina, thanks. She can be tweeted @traciepotes or emailed at potesypotes@gmail.com.