Last week, we all saw Krista come out on top and be named America's Top Model. But there's more! In fact, there's a whole hour devoted to never before seen (and some at-least-once before seen) clips. There's drama that Tyra claims will surprise us, though after fourteen seasons it would be hard to imagine any sort of brownie-carving, frozen-vegetable instigating bitchery that is truly unexpected. There's also new vocabulary, courtesy of ALT. And there's a shocking new level of catfighting competition. Again, not shocking, given that the casting call for this show now basically says, "Wanted! Tall, stank bitches." Thirty-two beautiful girls came to Los Angeles to join Tyra's Top Model network, but only thirteen made their way to New York to begin the competition. And now, we'll get treated to all the excitement that we missed. Clip show stankery, begin!
The cast of Cycle 14 headed to New York to begin the competition, and were surprised by force-of-evil Perez Hilton, who gave them a tour of Madame Tussaud's wax museum. Tyra was there too, with a surprise of her own -- a new, unwashed addition to the competition named Ren. Before we could say "laser hair removal!" the girls headed off to makeovers, where Ren proudly showed everyone her furry armpits. It was a Top Model first. After a whirlwind first day in New York, the girls moved into their downtown loft, which, as always, was way more awesome than they deserved. Gabrielle -- remember her? -- felt like a princess being in the house. Alasia agreed that the house was the nicest she'd ever been in, in part because it had brand new pots and pans. If she ever does make it to ALT's salon, I'm guessing the weave will blow right off of her head. Alasia also told us that the tub was large enough to host a rave, which thankfully never actually happened. Though it's been way too long since this show has had lesbian hijinx.
All of the stankness was present even on the very first evening of the competition, with eventual winner Krista screaming at Alasia about fakeness. Even the most innocent among the girls, Tyra says, seemed to feed on the drama. We see Raina telling a few others that some girls are already getting super catty. She may get frustrated and irritated with their behavior, she says, but she's not going to be a jerk. With that, a Perez Hilton-esque drawn-on halo appears above Raina's head. At least there's nothing dripping from between her legs. In a confessional, with drawn-on angel wings and halo, Raina says that she's not going to go around saying hurtful things to other girls. That's because she's going to say hurtful things behind their backs. We see Raina telling a few other girls that Angelea is, in fact, not all that. Oh, but wait! Raina then confessionalizes that you shouldn't talk about people behind their back unless you're trying to give advice about something. With this, the halo and wings fall off, and we see Raina and Alexandra talking about Anslee's gorgeous, non-modelesque fake boobs. If you're talking just to talk mean about someone, a newly devil-ified Raina says, you shouldn't talk at all because it's unfair. Cut to Raina saying that Anslee probably got fake boobs to feel confident, since she must not have initially felt any confidence at all. Oh Mylanta! Raina is a stank bitch too! Cut to Krista doing her angelic Raina impression, and then saying, "Please. All of us have talked about everyone." How could you not?
Whatever the situation, Tyra tells us, this crew was prepared to put on the smackdown. To wit, Krista and Angelea sit in the confessional room together. Angelea says, "These females is dirty, and nasty. They don't know how to keep nothing clean." To prove her point, she picks up all sorts of half-eaten food items that have been left in the confessional. Krista predicts that they'll have roaches tomorrow. Cut to a close-up of a roach. Aw, man. Someone kills it with a stiletto. The girls stand around in the kitchen, doubtlessly creating more dirty dishes caked with food to leave around, and Raina tells them that a soul named Bubba Scotland Jones entered their bathroom this morning. That's the roach's name, in case you weren't clear. He was not paying rent, and so got smashed. Raina is hoping that this will be a warning to the rest of the roaches in the house. Sadly, it doesn't quite work like that. Raina confessionalizes that poor Bubba Jones had to suffer because of their irresponsibilities. She isn't really sad about it, though, and gets more drawn-on devil horns.
There was maximum exposure at the first photo shoot, as the girls posed wearing only one item of clothing, ranging from a long scarf to a ring. Modesty wasn't an issue for most of the girls. Alexandra, apparently, is naked most of the time anyway. Gabrielle tried to give confident face, but actually gave sleepy face. Not good. At panel, the girls got introduced to new judge Andre Leon Talley and his "particular brand of scrutiny." He says, "I don't want to be cruel to Naduah, but a pedicure would be nice here." There's a close-up on her foot, and ooh child. She needs to get those claws buffed. Sadly, she's not the only one. Anslee seems to have a long French pedicure, which I think makes Tyra gag a little bit. While Alasia's ass-crack photo got a lot of mockery from the judges, it was our fair and forgotten Gabrielle who was sent home. Too bad, since I think she coulda been a contender.
Since casting, Tyra tells us, Naduah's striking looks and composure made her a provocative presence among the other girls. What we didn't see until now was how else she provoked the girls. And that was by wearing a slinky negligee to bed. What. The. Fuck. Maybe that was the cult uniform? It did sound like kind of a sex cult after all. As Krista says, "You need to cover up, because I don't want to see that going to bed." Especially since Naduah is on the top bunk, and climbing the ladder gives everyone in the room a much unwanted cooch shot.
Meanwhile, more drama! Alasia screamed at Ren, if you recall. But Jessica could always be counted on to lighten the mood. She had mismatched pajamas and silly dances galore. And a whoopee cushion! The girls often played "Chubby Bunny," a game in which you have to put as many marshmallows in your mouth as you can. After each additional marshmallow, you have to say "chubby bunny." Jessica and Alexandra got into a very heated Chubby Bunny competition, and though Jessica gave it a good effort, your chances of beating the house's plus-sized girl in a competition involving marshmallows are really pretty slim.
The Rachel Roy runway challenge was one of the show's most spectacular events to date. The models handled themselves with poise and grace...mostly. This was the infamous swinging pendulum competition, in which Alexandra totally got knocked off the runway after falling down a flight of stairs. Ah, glorious day! What we didn't see was Benny Ninja and his glitterati crew working the runway as only they can -- with lots of chains on their chests and tiny, fierce hats. The girls were impressed, and knew they could never live up to the fierce glamour.
Following the runway catastrophe, the girls had a photo shoot for disappearing colorful perfume in which they braved the man-made elements. The results were less than beautiful. Ren complained a lot about her contacts, and everything else. Krista and Raina didn't let wind and water prevent them from creating fierce photos. Naduah had a weird, stern mouth reminiscent of a blow-up doll, and the judges didn't think she was pushing her modeling to the level. She was sent home, leaving us only with a lot of questions about the nature of potential and experience and pathological lying, and how growing up in a cult might factor into that.
Following a commercial break, we learn that everyone is having a bad day. And who was having the worst day of all, you may ask? Why, it's Ren of course. The competition had barely begun, but she was miserable. On the phone, Ren tells a friend that the house contains a mix of the worst kinds of crazy girls from high school, and ghetto girls -- and not even funny ghetto girls. And of course at least one faux hipster who aspires to the look and smell of an American Apparel ad. Seriously, don't talk about Angelea like that. Ren's friend from home suggests that she just get drunk, and Ren says that she didn't buy in bulk, but that the four bottles of wine she got should get her through the night.
Cut to a group confessional in which Ren says she almost quit today, but her best friend told her that quitting is for suckers -- getting wasted is where it's at. Apparently everyone heeded said friend's advice, because there is drunkenness everywhere. Girls do shots in the kitchen! Angelea and Ren BOTH do the Hammer dance! And then Anslee, with no prompting, shakes her booty in a professional video ho manner. It's pretty impressive, and I think it's Angelea who yells, "Anslee's got some black in her!" Anslee then drops it like it's hot, to wild applause. She interviews that she started working in a bar at a young age, and that since you meet so many different people you need to learn how to alter your personality to suit your customers. And in this case, her customers are booty-shaking hos! It's pretty much the best crowd you could ask for. I totally thought this bonus clip was going to end with drunken brawling, but everyone stays in a good mood. Maybe if there had been more available alcohol, it would have been a peaceful season. Counterintuitive!
At the photo shoot, the girls had to interpret different genres of dance. What we didn't get to see was how much effort dance instructor Troy Powell put into teaching this rhythm-deprived girls a few steps. No amount of practice could help Ren get into the groove, even though she was wearing the flyest disco ensemble. At panel, she landed in the bottom for the second week in a row. Ren's misery at the house as well as her lackluster performance in photo shoots finally caught up with her, and she was booted and left to deal with her mother issues in a non-public forum.
And then there's Brenda. She had a hard time dealing with her first makeover. Tears! World shaking short hair! So Brenda was less than thrilled when stylist Sally Hershberger showed up at the house to shear her once again. Sally fed off the misery, though, and actually cackled. What we didn't see was how "hairy" things got after Sally left. Brenda apparently said that she'd sweep up her pile of removed hair, yet the hair stayed on the floor for hours. Finally, Angelea had enough and asked Brenda if she was going to clean the hair. Brenda said that she forgot, but she'd do it. Apparently she didn't though, and Krista had to make a visit to Brenda's room. Krista pointed out that the hair was in the kitchen, and she didn't want nasty Brenda hair in her food. She asked again -- nicely -- if Brenda could clean it up and Brenda said, "I'm not going to get out of my bed." Krista said that if Brenda didn't clean it up soon, she'd clean it and put it in Brenda's bedroom. That made Brenda even more determined not to clean it up. What a nit. Krista wasn't kidding about sweeping it into Brenda's room. Brenda's theory about dealing with this is that she didn't put it in her own room, and so isn't going to vacuum it. The fuck? That would take about three seconds to clean up. Now I see why everyone called her Chucky.
In other hairy matters, Alasia left her shaving stubble in the tub, prompting Raina to ask if she'd just shaved her back, chest, arms and stomach. Heh. As Tyra tells us, Alasia had a bit of a temper. We get a highlights reel of Alasia's verbal fisticuffs with the other girls, which is awesome and scary all at once. What we didn't see was how Alasia directed some of that anger toward innocent, inanimate objects after her frozen vegetable argument with Anslee was over. Alasia stands in the closet and screams at her toiletries, and we see little thought bubbles coming up from her deodorant and lotion that say, "Did you say something to her?" "Hell no!" Alasia continues to scream that said toiletries shouldn't talk behind anybody's back. The deodorant remains adamant that she did not talk shit about Alasia, and that she was in fact practicing her runway walk. As Alasia goes on and on, the toiletries wish that she would shut the fuck up. Angelea of all people tells us that Alasia is a loudmouth who's all over the place. She also calls Alasia a ghetto hoodrat. The bottle of lotion agrees, and also is lodging a formal complaint with the producers.
The fangs came out at the photo shoot, in which the girls got into a tub of blood to portray the newest victim of a sexy young vampire. Even though they were blinded by white contacts, the girls still got wicked hormonal and wanted to bang the male model. Alasia tells us that she was praying for a photo shoot with a boy -- she was tired of seeing girls and boobies. How can you ever really tire of seeing boobies? However you're oriented, they're just nice. Boring Simone remained rigid at her shoot, and in fact looked like she was in a birthing pool. The panel was disappointed that she couldn't push herself to a place in line with her edgy look, and she was sent home. That was a sad one for me, because I thought she was so gorgeous.
Jessica may have been doing well in the competition, but as never-before-seen footage shows us, she was kind of a dumb-ass when it came to other things. She asks Tatianna if Hawaii is a state or a continent or what. Tatianna, who lives in Hawaii tells her that it's a state. Jessica says she doesn't even know all the states. I mean, I maybe couldn't point to where every one is on the map, but I've at least heard of all 50. Angelea tells us that Jessica is a bird brain. Jessica struggles to figure out where South Carolina is (perhaps somewhere by Illinois, if she knew where Illinois was), and then interviews that she thought Europe was above Canada also. And, wow. Jessica tells the other girls that she was home schooled until eighth grade, and totally skipped that part of her education. This is what happens when you're raised by religious nuts, I'm guessing. We can only hope that somewhere along the line someone asked her a question about evolution.
At this point in the competition, Raina really started missing her boyfriend. Fortunately, she was able to create a substitute. Her boyfriend sent her a kit to create "the perfect man," which includes an actual washboard where a perfect man should have washboard abs. Oh my God, Raina's boyfriend is as big a dork as she is. Who thought it was possible? But oh Mylanta! Said perfect man also has an elephant where his genitals would be. Raina says it was goofy and cute, which is what the perfect man is. Maybe they'll get married and actually buy the house from Full House, complete with Uncle Joey.
At the photo shoot, the models had to embrace fake and push through excessive styling to create a fierce photo. Jessica broke out of her commercial box and blew Jay away with her dynamic posing. Tatianna, however, couldn't capture the creativity that the shoot demanded. At panel, the judges worried that Tatianna's desire to be a model wasn't strong enough, and that her good shots -- which were few and far between -- were actually flukes. She was sent back to the continent of Hawaii to continue her dream of becoming a mortician.
After weeks of togetherness, the girls realized that Raina was speaking her own, very annoying language. This language is comprised of one phrase: "Oh, Mylanta!" Raina has no idea what this means, but just says it. Angelea and Krista both mock it in their interviews, and Krista ends with a pointed, "What the hell? Who are you?" DJ Tanner. I mean, really. Or, as Raina herself says, a ninja. A really, really terrible ninja.
By week six, the house was divided. We all remember that epic limo fight, don't we? Krista says that there are the real people in the house -- herself, Angelea, Anslee, and Alasia -- and the needy fake people -- Brenda, Raina and Jessica. What we didn't see was Angelea trying to convince Jessica that she was hanging out with the wrong crew. Angelea tells Jessica to watch out for Brenda, because she's sneaky as hell and will try to twist her words. Jessica isn't buying it, and says she's heard the same things from both sides of the divide. She doesn't have to choose between the two. Jessica tells Angelea and Alasia that she has no problem with the two of them. Krista, however, doesn't like Jessica, and so Jessica calls her dumb. Alasia tells Jessica not to talk about Krista behind her back, and that if she doesn't like her she doesn't need to sell a whole house about it. I don't know what that means, but find it rather lyrical. Jessica points out that everyone in the house has had their fair share of talking behind backs. Alasia denies that she's done it and so Jessica is like, "All right, everyone else then." This was the point at which Alasia told us that Jessica is like Malibu Barbie, whereas she's Marietta Barbie. These two did not get along. Jessica confessionalizes, "Alasia's really annoying, she's really immature, she's stupid, she doesn't know what she's talking about, she doesn't let anybody get a word in, and she needs to go home." A bit subtle, but I think you get the point.
And then there's more never-before-seen footage of the girls having a very special night out with dinner date J. Alexander. He asks the girls who they think has the least potential to become America's Top Model and why. He stirs the shit with a serving spoon, doesn't he? Brenda says that Angelea could hold herself a little more professionally. Angelea's response: "Really, bitch?" J. tells her that she needs to prove Brenda wrong, and turn it on time. Angelea is ready to do so. Raina agrees with Brenda, which Angelea attributes to Raina and Brenda sharing a brain. Krista thinks that Brenda has the least amount of potential. Angelea agrees, and so does Alasia. And so does Anslee! Brenda confessionalizes that they're pathetic little girls and she feels sorry for them. She predicts that in three months they'll be watching this and wondering what they were thinking. I'm thinking that they'll be congratulating themselves on their accurate and discerning judgment.
For their photo shoot, the models went underground to portray different New York City women on the go, wearing Cover Girl makeup in the subway. Jay had to remind Alasia that she was supposed to look like a Cover girl, and not a two-dollar ho. Angelea, however, had her best shoot to date and impressed Mr. Jay with her soft turn as a fashionista. Meanwhile, Brenda was neither fresh nor focused as a student. Basically, the bitch looked old. The judges decided that Brenda needed more practice -- at working her hair, at not complaining, at life -- and she got the boot.
Then! Legendary supermodel and waxwork Pat Cleveland visited the girls and imparted some unusual supermodeling tips. She told Krista to imagine who she was while her eyes were closed. If her eyes were open, she'd certainly be distracted from this task by looking at Pat and her spider eyelashes. Pat feels Alasia vibrating out to the universe, and is very excited about it. Pat has an accompanying hand motion that Alasia describes as "dipping your hands in butter and spreading it to the world." It doesn't sound like it makes sense, but when you watch Pat it's actually pretty apt. Pat asks Angelea if she thinks her hair speaks for her sometimes. Pat often feels like her hair is telling a story. A story of a brain spiraling out of control. Angelea tells us that she likes Pat, even though she's from a different planet that's likely named after herself.
The girls headed to Lucky Cheng's for a night full of drag queens and Whitney Port fashions. They had a runway challenge and had mixed results when they strutted their stuff. What we didn't see was Pat Cleveland taking over the catwalk. She was like a waxen, alien stripper, and it even made Angelea feel nervous. That one fat guy in the audience loved it, though. Krista came out on top for the challenge, but as some unseen footage shows us, there were sour grapes back at the house. Krista totally busts Raina, noting that she saw Raina write that Krista won the competition because she looks like a drag queen. Raina denies it, and tells Krista that she must have read it wrong because she doesn't, in fact, look like a drag queen. The devil horns reemerge. Krista interviews, "How the fuck you gonna tell me what I saw? I'm looking down at the paper, like, I'm sitting right to you." She adds a "Bitch, please," for good measure. Raina interviews that she was writing in a private journal, and it bothers her that Krista was reading it. Put a lock on that shit and keep it under your pillow, if you don't want other people to see it. Raina reiterates to Krista that she didn't say any such thing about her looking like a drag queen. For this, she gets a growing Pinocchio nose from the editors. Krista isn't buying it, anyway. She interviews, "If anybody looks like a drag queen, it'd probably be you with that flat chest and that flabby body. No ma'am." When Krista talks shit about you, she does it on the record.
For the photo shoot, the girls had hair to spare as they were outfitted in human tresses. Krista continued to step up her game and blew everyone away with her strong poses and hair couture. And although Anslee brought the fierce to her face, she wasn't working the locks below her neck. Because she couldn't integrate her body into her posing, she got the boot.
The final six girls left New York City and headed to New Zealand! Krista's reward for having the best photo of the week was a first-class ticket, and she got to share it with Angelea. Angelea tells us that she slept in the grimiest of all grimy locations -- the Port Authority in New York City -- and now she's in first class luxury. She loves it. Once in New Zealand, the girls got a Maori welcome, and then were immediately sent off to go-sees. There's some unseen footage for us to enjoy. Alasia gets confused when the designers from Twenty-Seven Names introduce their brand, so adds a, "Say what?" They think she could work on her first impression. Angelea meets with the Stolen Girlfriends Club, and tells us that the men are feeling her, like they always do. She booked six out of six go-sees, and also got a challenge victory.
The girls then moved into their swanky Auckland penthouse, which was luxurious beyond belief. And as a deleted scene demonstrates, Angelea was in no way about to share her go-see goods with the other girls. She tells the others that they have no business touching anything before she does, which rankles Raina. Raina says that Angelea is miserable and angry. But that's what gives Angelea her charm! Just because Angelea had a difficult life, Raina says, it doesn't mean that she can take it out on other people. Or she can, and we can all be amused by it. I don't see what the problem is, here. The girls enjoyed a spectacular view of Auckland, complete with rainbow, and what we didn't see was them breaking in their new deck. Alexandra pulls a giant hairball out of their pool, which is in fact pretty disgusting. It's the size of a baby owl, and looks like it could fledge at any moment.
The photo shoot was no time for the girls to be sheepish, as they had to wear the same dress in the midst of a stunning landscape. Angelea was thankfully not allowed to sit on the co-starring sheep. Alexandra came alive and emoted haute couture beauty and grace, while Alasia was lost and got swallowed up by the dress and the scenery. At panel, the judges could see that she wasn't learning fast enough to keep up with the competition, and she was sent home. It was a sad day for all who loved her particular blend of beauty and stankness.
Alexandra had been feeling low before she left New York, but something about New Zealand agreed with her. She came alive in front of the camera and at the penthouse, and apparently enjoyed doing impressions of the other girls. Alex does an Angelea impression complete with weave pat and exclamation of, "I am from Buffalo, bitches!" That is, in fact, pretty accurate. Alex then does impressions of Jessica fleeing from the taco shell that she set aflame, as well as one of Anslee doing a booty bump. She should do an impression of herself getting clocked by a giant swinging pendulum, while she's at it.
Tyra got behind the camera at the photo shoot, which used shadows and light. First, however, the ladies got the clay-hair treatment. And then, in voiceover, Tyra actually says the word "girls-es." As in, "The girls-es challenge was to pierce through those shadows with fierce, strong eyes." She pauses for a minute after she says it, because she totally knows, and then keeps going. Alex impresses Tyra by finding her light and selling a secret with her eyes, while Jessica couldn't bring the necessary intensity to her face. She didn't know how to be ugly, which I guess is a bad thing. What we didn't see was Alexandra jumping in the lake to get rid of her muddy hair. The lake is pretty muddy, too, but that doesn't seem to bother her. Also, she pees in the water. As you do. Jessica got the boot, and only four bitches remained!
If we missed Cycle 14, Tyra tells us, we missed Angelea -- one of the show's most memorable models to date. Fortunately, Angelea is ready and willing to tell us all about her favorite subject -- Angelea. This includes the phrase, "Holla holla 716!" She also demonstrates her patented, "Bitch, please," look, and describes herself as classy-ghetto. Brenda tells us that Angelea's personality is horrid. And yet so amusing! And she has that cat claw move that just keeps on giving. When famed fashion insider and judge Andre Leon Talley visited the girls at their penthouse, Angelea kept it real when she introduced him to her favorite cocktail -- cognac. ALT is horrified and just says, "It's very strong... dear!" He puts it on the table and sips no more. This from a man who lived at the YMCA!
The photo shoot was harrowing, both because the girls had to strike the right balance between pretty and ugly, and because they learned that two of them would be eliminated. Raina, who often relied on her beautiful face, pushed out of her comfort zone and delivered flawlessly on the creative. Alexandra, however, couldn't find her ugly edge. It wasn't what Jay was looking for. Angelea seemed to forget how to model altogether and was, as Jay said, "A lot blank." The judges had their work cut out for them at the elimination, because they liked all four girls. However, it was Angelea and Alexandra who got the boot despite their growth and strong potential.
With that, Krista and Raina were in the final two! They barely had a moment to celebrate and sip champagne before Miss J. arrived to whip them into runway-walking shape. Krista predicted they would fight to the death in an Anna Sui runway show. They had some friendly reinforcements in the form of the past four eliminated contestants. Three of these were on team Krista, leaving poor Jessica as the only Raina supporter. When the moment arrived, both ladies rocked the runway, or so the story goes. They each pushed themselves and pulled out all the stops, and Tyra remarked that they were both so good. It was a hard choice for the final panel. Both girls came through big time throughout the whole cycle. Both are remarkable visually, and were charming in very different ways. But ultimately, Krista was named America's Top Model! Tyra is most excited to see her determination, persistence, and dream-following pay off. This guarantees that all those other multiple-auditioners will keep coming back, I guess, which may or may not be a good thing.
With that, we are through! Thank you all for watching and reading throughout this cycle! Now go have a dreckitude-free summer!
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