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Don't worry, all you loyal Potes fans, she'll still be snarking on Tyra this season, she's just off tonight at the U.S. Open trying not to get arrested for accosting Rafael Nadal or something, and she'll be back for the full recap. There's no way she'd miss the season of shorties.
It's Le Cycle 13 and a strange man ushers in the 32 finalists to a room filled with naught but a runway. Then a man named Bradford walks out and tells the girl there's no room for petite girls in the modeling world, but Tyra comes out wearing what looks like a kimono and spouting "How dare you?" She's doing this with a strange French accent. I miss the Spartan guys.
There's your typical group of nutjobs and quirky-looking women, but this season they are all under 5'7", though you couldn't tell it because they are all wearing insanely tall shoes to compensate. We have Bianca, who shaved her head after she got beaten up by her boyfriend; Courtney, who has broken her foot four times and is currently using crutches; Nicole, who had a bloody eyeball when she was born and uses a wheelbarrow to transport her books to school and wonders why people think she's peculiar; Raven, who throws off the measuring chart with her mohawk and likes to cartwheel; Sundai, who was abused and adopted and thinks this show is more important than living; Alison, who is a modeling teacher and looks like she's in a pageant; Rae, who is a mother who was once abducted and assaulted; Erin, who doesn't like makeup; Kara, who lived in Fiji and castrated sheep; Lulu, who is 19 and gay and has her girlfriend's name tattooed on her chest; Amber, who is there because Jesus told her to be a model; Amanda, who lives in a pop-up trailer with no plumbing in New Orleans with her husband and occasional roommates; Brittany, who is the resident math geek; Jennifer, who thinks her Asian look will help her; Laura, who curls her hair with paper towels and castrates cows, but no one cheated on her; Ashley, who won her spot after Tyra's hairdresser spotted her and asked her to do the show; and Rachel, who has Bambi eyes, but not as badly as Allison from last year.
Then its time for 12 girls to get cut, as only the top 20 can make it to Tyra's Le Cycle run-through. The 32 girls open up garment bags, and those with clothes get to stick around and the others have to go home. Modeling teacher Alison and cute gymnast Raven are among the ones that are cut. The runway challenge ends with them getting four shots, and they have to do their own hair and makeup. After much discussion between Tyra and the Jays, the top 14 are announced. The girls in the running to be America's Top Petite Model are Jennifer, Erin, Rachel, Kara, Lulu, Rae, Ashley, Brittany, Bianca, Courtney, Nicole, Amber, Laura and Sundai. Tyra tells the loser girls that they can do face modeling… or something.
The second hour of the two-part premiere begins in Los Angeles with the girls shopping on Melrose Avenue. Amber is missing, and the Jays tell the ladies that because of "personal issues," she isn't continuing on. Did Jesus decide that he didn't want her to save the world with her modeling? Lisa takes her spot, and the girls are dispatched to a salon for a "Ty-over." Wow, early this season, and they didn't even get a chance to see their digs first. Tyra's gimmick this cycle is a Tyra-strator where she draws over the pictures to demonstrate the changes in a highly technical way. Nicole hopes that her hair is getting shaved, but instead it is massively teased into a mane. Sundai loses her ragged weave and gets a Rihanna look. Bianca has this season's biggest freakout, which is weird since she is entirely bald! She's mad that they are dying her eyebrows and thinks she'll look like an alien or Dennis Rodman.
They finally get to see the house and it has a cute sign that says you need to be this short to enter. The beds are marked with little paper doll versions of the girls, to dissuade stupid fighting over sleeping spots. There are funhouse mirrors and enormous larger-than-life pictures of Tyra through the years. Bianca worries that people will steal, and Laura thinks her clothes are all safe since they were all made by her grandmother. There's a bank vault door where the Tyra mail is kept, and the first note says: "Tomorrow will make you go gaga." The girls debate if this means Lady Gaga or babies. It's babies, sadly. Crazy Lady Gaga style has a lot of potential.
They are doing editorial pictures based on the girl's childhood photos. Rae, who had a ballet picture to imitate, has plastic pointe shoes with an 8-inch heel, she can't even stand in them. Bianca complains about her makeup. Jay tells her if she wants to be a model she's got to suck it up, and her face in her pictures is giving a bad attitude. Jay asks Nicole if she's awake, but she pops when she gets on set. When they get home, there's a treasure chest that has Tyra mail telling them that someone is going home. Rachel calls it the box of death, because it has a skull on it. Chanel Iman, Miss J and Nigel doing the judging. They make Sundai lose her leg warmers. Miss J's shirt has the number 14 on it., which is far better than the bow ties. Best photo of the week goes to Rae in her tippy-tall shoes. Bianca and Lisa are in the bottom two, and Lisa is eliminated because she was too boring to be on this show the first time, and still is too dull even with a second chance. - Angel Cohn
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think that Tyra should start accepting older models, as well, in TV is the Answer!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!They're baaaaaaaack! I'm not talking about predatory supernatural beings who inhabit your TV and render you mysteriously brain-dead. Oh, wait. Yes, folks, it's America's Top Model! A show which over the years has broken down barriers for those who face relentless discrimination. The gap-toothed! The psoriasis-laden! The size eights! One Miss Tyra Banks voices over that she has always strived to push the boundaries of what people consider to be beautiful and to open the world of high fashion to women everywhere. Or, "open" the world of "fashion" to "a gaggle of deluded head cases, and the occasional cool person who mysteriously wanders into this show." And can I tell you that I just actually had to look up who was named America's Top Model last year? It was Teyona, who clearly has set the world and my consciousness on fire over the past several months.
Tyra continues that Jamie Rishar and supermodel Kate Moss have found huge success in the modeling world though neither is over 5'7". That's right, everyone, it is the season of the shorty. This cycle is open only to girls who are 5'7" and under. Frankly, it's one of Tyra's less-inspired moves. I mean, it's certainly no National Real Hair Day. But I do have a sudden craving for shrimp cocktail. Tens of thousands of girls auditioned, and 32 were chosen as semi-finalists and brought to Tyra's hometown of Los Angeles to prove that fierce has many faces... and sizes. Unless that size is a size 16. Sorry, fatties. Try The Biggest Loser.
With that, we are at the Biltmore Hotel, in the midst of something called Le Cycle 13: The Fall Collection. And wait! There's a man there in a pink shirt who looks like some sort of gay vampire checking the girls in. Did Tyra GET RID OF THE JAYS?!?!? I mean, Paulina is one thing, but Tyra getting rid of her own hag fags is something that would send shock reverberations through my living room, at least. We meet Amber, 18 from Oceanside, California, who quite conspicuously has a large quantity of crazy on her face. Bianca, 21 from Columbia, South Carolina, is bald and beautiful and probably nowhere near as stank as the original bald Bianca. She tells us that she's a junior at Howard University, has a brain, and could even carry on a conversation with Colin Powell or Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, Amber is intrigued to learn that there is a new laxative on the market called "Colon Power." Courtney, 22 from Plantation, Florida, has a broken foot. The incident occurred during a recent cheerleading competition. She's still cheering at 22? America's Top Modelis maybe a sophisticated step for her. She finished the cheerleading competition even with her broken foot, which is a good way to develop a permanently disfigured foot. Go, Toros!
The girls are herded into a ballroom where they are greeted by Mr. Bradford Sisk, VP of Bankable Productions. Who is not one of the Jays! Has Tyra pushed away those closest to her in her quest for a Tyrocracy? Or actually eaten them to help fortify her ever-expanding ego? And because she's hungry and the ribs alone aren't cutting it anymore? Bradford wears a shiny suit, and reminds the girls that they're short. Then he yells that there's no room in the modeling business for short girls. But, oh contraire! Tyra, complete in her Bea Arthur tribute caftan, emerges to great fanfare, screaming "HOW DARE YOU!" Oh, dear. And then she starts spouting nonsense in a French accent. Because this is LE Cycle 13, bitches. She is very French-ly and very fiercely planning, with her bunch of short stacks, to not only break the box, but to kick the box. Jennifer, 23 from Philadelphia, decodes this whole incident for us by explaining that Bradford was "the voice of society," while Tyra is, like, spearheading the fifth wave of feminism. Looking down from heaven, Elizabeth Cady Stanton -- who herself only stood at 5'2" -- is sad she did not live to see this day. Tyra explains, still in the French accent, that she's looking for 14 finalists. The girls are going to get their measurements taken, and if any girl taller than 5'7" has somehow snuck in she will be immediately evicted.
The girls head back to the wardrobe area where they are greeted by the Jays, who apparently weren't fired after all. Ah well, a girl can dream. Raven, 19 from Knoxville, interviews that the Jays are pretty in a way that men should not be. She means it as a compliment, even though Miss J. is turning into the living incarnation of Marla Gibbs with every passing day. Right now it's The Jeffersons-era Marla Gibbs, but he's rounding the corner of 227. The Jays explain that the girls will be measured, do a runway walk, and get a Polaroid headshot. They change into jeans and white tanktops -- model basics -- and have their height measured. Readheaded Nicole, 18 from Louisville, Colorado, touts her own level of maturity, which I'm sure means that she'll be the first person to write in someone else's brownies. And then there's Sundai, 18, from Bakersfield, California. Sundai didn't have the best childhood, as evidenced by her nonsensical name. She was in foster care and has wanted to model ever since she can remember. Sundai tells us that winning this competition would complete her life, like the cherry of doom on top of a tragic ice cream sundae (sundai?) of existence.
The girls take a gander down the runway, where Miss J. tells them that they need to walk at least 6 feet tall. Eight-inch heels for everyone! Courtney actually did herself a favor by having a preexisting broken foot. Meanwhile, Mr. Jay takes the Polaroids. Rae, 21 from Rochester, Minnesota, tells us that she's a mother. She's doing this for herself and for her child, who is one of those jerky babies who wears sunglasses in photos. Jay mocks Alison, 21 from Santa Rosa, California, for her pageant walking ways. Alison explains that she's actually a modeling teacher, which bodes poorly for those who go to modeling school. Brittany, 21 from Livermore, California, is a book nerd and a math major. Math apparently ages you, because this bitch doesn't look a day under 42. The aforementioned crazyface Amber doesn't let us down, interviewing tearfully that she's for Jesus Christ, who wants her to help the world. And she'll do whatever He wants her to do. What He will not, I'm guessing, want her to do, is pass the psych test that is her gateway to being a finalist. Miss Jay tells Ciara, 18 from Riverside, California, that she looks like a car model and a calendar girl. Ciara doesn't understand. Basically, Ciara, you give off an aura like you would rather be washing a car with your boobs. Is that clear enough? Courtney crutches down the runway, her grit and determination in tow.
Once the runway portion of the day is over, the girls hang out and chat about what pioneers they are. The wisdom dispensed includes the notable quotable, "Real people are, like, short." Sundai tells the others that they can inspire short people to wear clothes. If she doesn't complete her life by winning this show, I'm guessing the Nobel Prize she's gunning for might provide the missing piece. Sundai tells us that this competition is more important to her than living, and that there's a big empty space inside her that needs to be filled. If you thought it was too early in the season to get depressed, you're wrong. One girl exclaims, "We're a part of history!" And with that, we go to commercials.
We return to a pretty stellar Crazyface Amber moment. The girls sit around and talk about who among them is a virgin. A few admit to having fiercely intact hymens. One girl asks who has taken a vow of celibacy. Crazyface Amber, who is wearing a very large hat (because that much crazy on the face needs a fair quantity of shade) raises her hand, and someone else asks if she's a virgin. Amber says, "Ummm..." Yeah. Amber says that she hasn't had sex for two years, and adds, "You know you're supposed to have that burning sensation for your lord Jesus instead of another man." If you're having a burning sensation at all, you should probably actually see your doctor. Bianca becomes a clear favorite as she looks at Amber and deadpans, "I know you want attention. There's nothing wrong with that."
With that, it's time for the models to go in front of Tyra and the Jays! Jennifer, 23 from Philadelphia, is first, and does a whole lot of squealing when she enters the room. Jennifer once had a throw-down fight with a hussy from New Jersey. Did the bitch flip a table? Because if not, you weren't really in Jersey. PROSTITUTION WHORE! Jennifer hopes that being Asian will give her an edge. But is America really ready for a short, elderly Asian supermodel? One boundary at a time, Jennifer.
Then there's Courtney of the crutches. Tyra asks how she broke her foot, and we see actual video of Courtney's hard-core tumbling pass where it all happened. She interviews that this is the fourth time that she's broken her foot. She's uber-competitive, and her body in a bikini is at once hot and oddly lumpy. I mean, lumpy in a bony way. And a good way, even. Tyra loves her complete lack of boobs, and Jay adds that Courtney's proportions are great and she actually looks like a model. She also got her broken foot into a four-inch stiletto, so points for that.
is Amanda, 21 from New Orleans. She's wearing jeans, a black tank top, Converse sneakers, and a fedora. Amanda looks a little rough and she explains, she lives in a pop-up trailer in east New Orleans. There's no plumbing in the pop-up trailer, so she uses the "plumbing in the yard." You'd think this might be a serious look into how victims of Hurricane Katrina are still struggling to put even basic pieces of their lives together four years later, but the jaunty music playing in the background and further interview clips from Amanda are really just evidence that Poor People Say the Darndest Things!
there's Bianca, who tells us that she has presence, confidence, and an aura about her. She was in an abusive relationship, and one day, after waking up with marks all over her face from a beating, she decided to shave her head completely. That may sound trivial, but anyone who's undergone a major change in look -- particularly regarding hair -- at the time of a transformative or traumatic life event knows what she's talking about. Bianca gets teary as she talks about getting herself back.
And then there's math major Brittany, who apparently has loved math since she was three. She tells Tyra and the Jays that she's very analytical about her own face, and knows all of her planes and curves and coordinates. Tyra is skeptical, and reminds Brittany that fashion is also about the arts, and there's a romantic side to it. Brittany interviews that she lives in the basement of the library and studies for 10 hours a day. I think the combination of mold and lack of sunlight has led her to this moment. Adding a Top Model victory to her academic accomplishments would be a great source of pride for Brittany, because she's in the early stages of a Beautiful Mind-style nervous breakdown.
And then there's Sundai, who squeals and screams her way into the room. Tyra first has Sundai pull back her hair, which I'm guessing is so that we'll be able to see the tears more clearly. Tyra asks Sundai about her childhood, and Sundai explains that it was all pretty hard. Her dad left when she and her sister were very young, and though her mom and sister are great now, both of them were evil before. Sundai's mom used to beat her and her sister, and once it was so bad that they ended up in foster care. Eventually, they were adopted. Her voice quavers as she says that being in the orphanage was the worst part. Instead of treated, she got tricked. Instead of kisses, she got kicks. But somehow, she managed to become a good person instead of a bad one. She reminds us that she always dreamed of modeling to fill the emptiness inside, but being so short it's almost impossible. Until Tyra Warbanks came along! Commercials.
We return to more Adventures of Crazyface Amber! Amber apparently likes to dance very badly. The others look at her performance in horror. Bianca tells us that Amber is psychotic and quite immature. She caps off her statement with, "Something is wrong with her." It's hard to argue with that. Bianca tells Amber that it isn't that she doesn't like her. Rather, she's just really annoying, which Bianca pronounces as "a-KNOW-ing." Bianca is a-knowing that Amber is getting on her last nerve. Amber is a-knowing that the other girls may hate on her, but she's still going to be herself. A questionable decision if I do say so. But Amber is intent upon improving, getting stronger in the Lord, getting loving...er, and helping more people. Amber already is helping a lot of people with this virtual PSA on mental illness.
Amber goes before Tyra and the Jays. She prances in with crazy body to match her crazy face. Jay asks what's with the affected nature and crazy hat. Amber says that the hat is her grandmother's, and is wonderful luck. Amber announces that she's a Christian and knows that Jesus Christ is real. She sings a little song about Jesus being her best friend. It goes, "Jesus, you're my best friend." And then the editors either mercifully cut us off, or that's the end of the song. Catchy! Crazyface Amber feeds the homeless on Friday nights, and will rap or sing or dance for the homeless, too. Haven't those people faced enough adversity in life? Not only does Amber dance for the homeless, but she actually shakes her booty for the homeless while exclaiming, "Shake your booty! Shake that thing!" And you know, the Lord wouldn't give us all booties if He didn't want us to shake them. Tyra is outwardly horrified yet secretly delighted at the footage that Amber has provided, and after Amber leaves the room Jay predicts a breakdown in her near future.
up is Erin, 18 from Spring Grove, Illinois. Erin says that she's intelligence-based, as evidenced by not wanting to put on lip gloss or go shopping all the time. Frankly, when I see people with chapped lips and ill-fitting clothes I lament the fact that they're not intelligent enough to put on lip gloss and go shopping. Fail. Erin likes to read and learn and apply herself in school. Tyra silently debates whether to ask Erin to summarize the plot of The Iliad, but remains silent.
we have Kara, 18 from Fort Wayne, Indiana. She comes from an upper middle class family and never had to struggle for money. She is a free spirit who goes wherever the wind takes her on the wings of her ruffly tank top. Kara flew back from Costa Rica for the Top Model audition. She also once lived in Fiji, where she lived on an organic sheep farm and had to castrate sheep. Don't put that girl in the same room with the Jays and a pair of scissors. Kara thinks that it's a brilliant idea to show America that short models can be successful, and can de-testicalize a farm animal if needed.
Then there's Lulu, 19 from Brooklyn, who proudly announces, "I'm gay!" Miss J. gives her a round of applause. Lulu is totally out and has been dating the same woman for two years. The woman's name is Roslyn. We know this because Lulu has Roslyn's name tattooed above her left breast. Tyra tries to impart some retroactive wisdom, but the ink is already there, so it does little good. Lulu says that she can change the tattoo to say "Brooklyn" if need be. It's not quite as good as Johnny Depp's "Wino Forever," but it could be worse.
Several girls sit around and chat about the craziest thing they've ever done. Crazyface Amber says that once she made out with a girl. Lulu is all, "Wow, that's really nuts." Kara asks Amber what the Bible says about that. We don't see the response but I'm sure Amber quotes Katy Perry. Nicole, meanwhile, sulks silently and interviews that she can't connect with any of these idiots, which is fair. But let's not lay blame until we hear Nicole talk about her lucky necklace. It's an eyeball, which she likes because she was born with a bloody eyeball. Maybe Nicole is where Lady Gaga is getting her inspiration these days? It would make as much sense as anything else. Nicole's nickname when she was a child was "Bloody Eyeball." Her family was apparently very literal. Bianca gives a really priceless WTF look. Bloody Eyeball interviews that she wants to model and skip the socializing. Probably for the best, eh?
, Tyra and the Jays meet Lisa, 19 from Queens. She has perfectly threaded eyebrows. Oh, wait! It's the crazy losers montage! To accentuate their stupidity, Tyra makes them do stupid things! Riveting. there's Ashley, 22, from Chicago. She was scouted in the audience of The Tyra Banks Show. It was Tyra's hairdresser, Oscar, who spotted Ashley. Tyra took a quick glance at her and instructed someone to get her information. This is just a way for Tyra to get more desperate girls to come to her talk show, isn't it? Ashley, like every other girl, is pretty stoked that this year is all about the shorties, since otherwise none of them would stand a chance in the modeling industry.
Then there's Bloody Eyeball. Tyra says that B.E. looks chill, but B.E. responds that she has really bad nerves. Miss J. theorizes that she took five downers before walking down the stairs to see them, which I think is probably accurate. Bloody Eyeball interviews that her last year in high school was miserable and she sat by herself all the time. She has felt very different since a very early age, most likely because she was born with the Curse of the Bloody Eyeball. B.E. has problems sleeping, and she also paints. [If the modeling thing doesn't work out for her, the painting might, because I thought her stuff was pretty good. - Zach] She does self-portraits because nobody else is willing to sit for her. And why is nobody else willing to sit for her? Maybe it's because she brings a large rusty wheelbarrow to school instead of a backpack. For some unknown reason, people think she's weird. However, it's undeniable that she has a gorgeous face and some pretty stunning pre-Raphaelite hair. Bloody Eyeball fears that she's ruined her only opportunity to become a model with her medicated manner. The other girls tell her that she's beautiful, but Crazyface Amber gives her a bit of strategy advice, saying that if she doesn't start talking she's going to be cut. With the blind leading the bloody-eyeballed, we head to commercials.
up we meet sweet-as-pecan-pie (which, as I'm allergic to tree nuts, would actually kill me) Laura, 19 from Kentucky. She uses paper towels to curl her hair. I believe this is akin to something called "rag curls" that, like, my great grandma did in the 1800s. Laura tells Tyra and the Jays that she may be country, but she's also high-fashion. Tyra challenges her to make her outfit high-fashion, which doesn't go so well. To her credit, though, she asks for help and yells out, "I'm here for y'all to mold!" Laura grew up on a farm with cows, which should prepare her well for living in the house should she make it that far. And lest you thought that Kara could lay claim to being the sole animal castrator in the house, Laura castrates cows! What are the odds? She says she can do 100 a day. Laura explains how the procedure works: "You squeeze the nuts, and you push them up in their belly, you cut the sac off, you pull 'em down, you wrap 'em around your finger, and you pull it. And they just break off." They just BREAK OFF? Really? Who knew that cow balls were so...crispy? Laura says that it doesn't really hurt the cow, and has the additional benefit of keeping her boyfriends faithful out of fear. For the moment, I actually find Laura to be quite delightful, though this could change.
up we have mama Rae, whose daughter is named Aria. But Rae has suffered some tragedy in her life. She was abducted from a gas station, hit over the head with a bottle, pulled into a stranger's car, sexually assaulted and beaten. Holy castrated cow. The person then dropped Rae off at another gas station. She explains that this happened to her and is a part of who she is, and she's dealt from it. She is ready to move on, and wants this horrific incident to serve some sort of purpose. I have to say, Rae seems very healthy in the mind about this. Jay says that her strength is so palpable that she won't even have to open her mouth to express it -- it will come through on film.
up is Rachel, 18 from Woodland, California, who was called "Bambi Eyes" by her classmates in school. I'm sure it felt mean at the time, but it's pretty whimsical compared to "Bloody Eyeball." Her eyes are indeed huge, and Rachel says she's good at showing emotion through them. Tyra challenges Rachel to go through a range of emotions using her eyes, and Rachel obliges. She is very, very skinny. Tyra loves her odd, quirky, interesting, special face.
up is Allison, 21 from Santa Rosa, California. She's the modeling teacher, and instructs in such subjects as grooming, etiquette, photo posing, and portfolio arrangement. Tyra asks Allison to teach Miss J. something, and then is horrified by the lesson. Allison loves runway, even though she's really too short to be on the catwalks of Paris and Milan, so it's sad that she has to express her passion by being Director of Modeling in a place that's probably located in a strip mall.
Then we have Raven, 19 from Knoxville, Tennessee, who enters by doing a cartwheel that ends in a split. She's sort of like a black Mary Lou Retton as Peter Pan. She makes Miss J. have to tinkle. Raven never felt like she was pretty or tall enough to be a model. Well, she isn't. Raven's spoiled and has a temper and thinks she's really cute. When she leaves Jay asks Miss J., "Can you work with that?" It's a legit question.
With that, its time for the first cut! Jay tells the gaggle of girls that some of them will be participating in a run-through for Tyra's Le Cycle 13 Collection. Collection of what? Weaves that she eschewed for National Real Hair Day? Kiss My Fat Ass jeans? In any case, 12 of the girls will be cut right now. There is a garment bag hanging for each girl -- if there is no garment inside, they are dismissed. If there is, it's on to the glamour of Le Cycle 13 Collection of Mystery! Bianca and Crazy Face Amber and Crutches and Castrator Laura and Bambi Eyes and Bloody Eyeball all make it, along with the others that we've come to know and at least somewhat enjoy. Oh, except for Raven. I hope she can find a Lost Boy to comfort her. She plans to go home and continue what she was doing before, which was nothing. Knowing that I'll be working until midnight to finish this recap, that frankly doesn't sound so bad. Modeling teacher Allison also doesn't get a garment. She feels like kind of a loser, which she is. She says that she deserved this. She actually might have stood a chance if she didn't have so many horrible ingrained modeling school habits, which she then will impart unto other aspiring models, thus ensuring that they, too, will fail in all of their attempts to break into the industry. Way to pay the misery forward.
The 20 semi-finalists who weathered the first cuts put on the garments from their garment bags, which were designed by Yotam Solomon, the youngest designer ever to show at LA Fashion Week. Just like him, one of these girls is going to make history as America's Top Petite Model. There are some big-time invisible finger quotes around "history." Each girl gets five minutes to do her own hair and makeup. Amber thinks she's perfect just as she is. With all that crazy on the face, there's not much room for cosmetics.
The girls walk down a runway and are photographed at the end of it, just like real models. The results are somewhat maudlin. Jay asks the girls if they've seen what models do at the end of the runway, and Crazyface yells out that she actually hasn't. Jay asks her why she wants to be a model and she replies, of course, "For Jesus." Jay is dubious that Jesus wants Crazyface Amber to be a model so, as she says, she can "help people." Ciara explains that Amber is actually pretty good at being a model, however she's crazy. Yes, exactly. Except for the being a good model part. Jay is going to take the photos from this shoot back to Tyra and Miss J. so they can make their final, and finalist, decisions.
Tyra and the Jays huddle in their War Room and evaluate the girls. Brittany the mathematician is surprisingly modelesque in her photos. Poor pop-up trailer Amanda walks like a linebacker. Ashley has stunning bone structure, and Jay likes her greenness. There's nothing fresh about Kara, but she worked it out with her pose on the runway. Bianca is a bit like Nnenna, but hopefully less annoying. Jay likes her strength, but Miss J. thinks her runway pose is pretty lackluster. Ciara was a bit crazy with her posing, but she has beautiful cat-like eyes. Amber has a heart-shaped face and quirky bird-like features that Tyra and Jay like. They don't mention the fact that she's crazy, which could be a bad sign. Courtney stuck it out with the crutches, but Tyra's a little disappointed with her Polaroid. Erin is kind of stiffed and controlled, and perhaps needs a little kick-start. Lisa is focused on being relatable to men, and needs to be relatable to women as well. Laura is clueless, but that could work in her favor. Jennifer is the new Ciara, which means that now it is she who wants to wash a car with her boobs. Miss J. laments how the girls feel the need to be overtly sexy, which is always a mistake. Lulu looks like she's about to whip your ass, according to Miss J., but Jay Manuel loves her. Bloody Eyeball Nicole owned the runway. Rae looks more like a fitness model than a fashion model, meaning that she has muscles. Bambi Eyes Rachel is sort of elfin and funny looking, and Tyra loves it. Sundai looks pretty crazy on the runway, but she has face and Miss J. can't be mad at her. With that, Tyra and the Jays have made their decision.
Tyra wears a sequined Liza Minnelli jacket to deliver the final 14 results to the girls who, in case you forgot, are very tiny pioneers. The first girl to be called is Jennifer. is Erin, followed by Bambi Eyes Rachel, hippie dippy sheep castrating Kara, Roslyn-loving Lulu, Mama Rae, audience member Ashley, math wiz Brittany, bald Bianca, crutch-loving Courtney, Bloody Eyeball herself (who takes, like, a year and a day to walk over with the other finalists and looks like she's shocked herself into a coma), Crazyface Amber (who thanks Jesus Christ), and Kentucky Laura (who has been bawling this whole time). There is only one spot left. And duh, it's going to Sundai. Mama Warbanks wasn't going to let her down until she exploited her fully.
The six girls who didn't make it are pretty sad, because they know that they stand even less of a chance than the girls on the regular seasons at becoming actual models. Tyra tells them to persevere, and that they can do commercials or face work. Or, in the case of Amanda, go back to the trailer and continue to be poor. Ciara gives Tyra some props through hyperventilating tears.
But meanwhile, who cares about losers? There are 14 pioneer finalists to concern ourselves with! Tyra tells them that they're going to have to be better than the tall girls, and then much celebration and whooping ensues! Courtney assures us that, since Tyra is taking a big gamble on these small fries, they're not going to let her down. Let's hope that they bring the drama and histrionics so as to not let us down as well!
With that, it is time for hour two of our premiere extravaganza. We begin with the girls trolling around LA. Jennifer is proud of herself, and Laura tells us that while living on a farm is pretty cool, it's not what she wants to do for the rest of her life. Considering that her pillow is likely stuffed with cow testicles instead of feathers, I back her up 100%. Bloody Eyeball Nicole, who really is gorgeous, tells us that she's quiet, so people believe that she has low self-confidence. However, she says, she's actually the strongest girl here. She apparently kicked the prescription meds, because she seems a lot more alert and lucid. Bianca, unlike any other contestant in reality TV history, is not here to make friends. Hmmm. She had me, and then she lost me. She says she wants to be an icon, because that's her fate. And you know what the thing about icons is? They don't care if you think they're bitches. And neither does Bianca. My, but did she get stank fast! A tribute to her namesake, perhaps?
Almost all of the girls have arrived but for one. Yes, my friends, Crazyface Amber is missing! Call the... hmmm. I'm not exactly sure who to call in this case. Ghostbusters, maybe? A giant hummer limo containing the Jays pulls up and whisks the girls away. Remember how for a hot minute Tyra was concerned about the earth and so basically had the girls drive around town in an old VW bus that ran on patchouli? Those were good times. When the girls arrive at their destination, Jay addresses the Amber issue. He says that, due to personal issues (Complete mental crack? Missionary trip to Uganda?), Crazyface will no longer be continuing on in the competition. And I quote, "You squeeze the nuts, and you push them up in their belly, you cut the sac off, you pull 'em down, you wrap 'em around your finger, and you pull it. And they just break off." But! There was someone during casting week who had a lot of potential and just missed out on making the top 14. It's Lisa, who's prepared to work extra hard to prove that she deserves to be there. Brittany's not so worried about Lisa, who is pretty boring. I'm sure she has some sort of calculus formula to back that up.
The shorties are in for a bit of a surprise, because before even getting to see their new abode they're heading right in for makeovers! Make that "Ty-overs." Jay introduces hairstylist to the stars and erstwhile Shear Genius judge Sally Hershberger! She gets right to work. Due to budget cuts this year, we have no fairy costume for Tyra to sport as she tells us what her nefarious makeover plans are for each girl. Rather, the "Tyra-strator" features a photo of each girl with her original hair, which is then drawn on with a sharpie to demonstrate the new hairstyle. And maybe, just for fun, someone will get a handlebar moustache too. Brittany's hair is getting edged out, and she's going brown. Jay thinks it makes her stand out. She definitely looks more like a soap opera villainess now.
Erin is going ice blonde, with ice blonde brows. It is, as always, unfortunate and makes her look like an extra from Lord of the Rings. Bloody Eyeball tells Sally that she hopes her head will be shaved, because then she'll be much faster in the shower. Even Sally, who has worked with the likes of Winona Ryder and Tom Cruise, seems to find B.E. a little odd. Kara tells us that she doesn't like Bloody Eyeball one bit. She's inscrutable, and also makes Kara nervous when she talks about things like being called Bloody Eyeball as a child. Bambi Eyes Rachel is getting dark brown hair, which makes things go in an uncomfortable Shelly Duvall direction if you ask me. Jennifer is getting a subtle cut and a brow-over. Lisa has long, beautiful, sexy hair, which in fact makes her TOO sexy. Tyra's going to chop it off. Or so she claims. In fact, Lisa's hair is still long post-makeover, and still sexy. And Bianca is still stank. She doesn't think that Lisa has much presence.
Sundai, meanwhile, has a weave that looks like 10 of Tyra's castoffs knit together with sock yarn. So Tyra is giving her Rihanna hair. It's pretty cute, and Sundai says that she can work it. Courtney looks fab as she is, and so gets a little bit of a trim and a little more red and an edgier style. She likes its anti-plain Jane quality. Lulu gets a Cleopatra weave with full bangs. She's never had a weave before, and says that it was a big transformation. Courtney thinks that Lulu got the best makeover, and is now serious competition. Bald Bianca is getting an eyebrow bleach, and is not so excited about having burning acid on her face. I have a feeling that by the end of this episode we'll have a lot of inspired ideas about what we can do to Bianca with burning acid. Commercials.
When we return, Bianca reiterates that having your eyebrows bleached really hurts. What really got her, she says, is that her eyebrows were bleached but her hair wasn't, which apparently makes her look like "Dash freaking Robin." Can someone tell me what this means? Bianca is really stank about her makeover. She hates it, even though all that happened was an eyebrow bleach. Bloody Eyeball, meanwhile, gets a big red teased out mane of fire-hair! It's like the hairy incarnation of a bloody eyeball, in fact. B.E. feels like a beast in high heels, which she thinks is awesome, and in fact is awesome.
Lisa bitches with Rae about how annoying Bianca is, sitting and pouty about her newly non-existent eyebrows. Speaking of poor Rae, she's also getting the ice goddess / Lord of the Rings / kids who have paintbrushes made from their hair treatment. Laura gets some multi-colored highlights, and her hair remains long. She likes it. Kara is getting brightened up with blonde highlights, and mentions how glad she is to be able to keep her dark eyebrows. Audience member Ashley is getting a center part and a long, straight weave. She loves it, and Jay Manuel notes that Miss J. is jealous. He gets a weave of his own, which manages to make him look more butch.
The Jays tell the girls that they actually look like models now, and tonight should focus on getting lots of rest... in their new house! The house, as you might expect, is gorgeous. This time, beds are assigned, which really deprives us of some good-time traditional bitchery. There's a V-shaped runway in the house, along with weird, aggressively-nippled mannequins in bodysuits. The house has a bit of a Candyland / funhouse theme, with crazy mirrors and colors everywhere. And, of course, giant photos of Tyra. There are even cardboard cutouts of Tyra at various ages and various heights. When she was ten, she was taller than Sundai is now. This is why she's a supermodel, and Sundai is desperate. There's a giant pool and a hot tub, in which we can only hope some shenanigans might happen in the coming weeks.
The girls unpack, and Bambi Eyes Rachel says that it might be anal, but she put her initials on all her clothes. Bianca says that isn't anal, because people steal. And if anyone even tries to wear her clothes, she'll serve them up some Serena Williams-style stank racket abuse. Brittany tells us that Bianca often gives attitude that is really unnecessary. She might not even realize it -- it's just how she is. Which essentially means that Bianca just sucks. And to think she was my early favorite in the first half of the episode! I underestimated the tenacity of the black bitch archetype. And then, there is the opposite of stank. It's Laura, who says that her grandma actually made her clothes. The backstory goes a little something like this. Laura knows that she's not the most fashionable, but she's going to keep trying to be a model. She says she can do it, because she got this far.
Several of the girls relax in the hot tub. Lisa interviews that she's a bit on edge being there, since she was initially cut in favor of a Crazyface and wasn't a first choice. She hopes her personality shines through. Bloody Eyeball Nicole's personality is shining through in a different way, as she embraces her role as outcast. She's been made fun of a lot, and feels different from the other girls. However, she doesn't think this is a weakness in any way whatsoever. Okay, Bloody Eyeball for the win.
There's a bank -- nay, a Bankable -- door in the house. Inside of it is Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow will make you go gaga. Love, Tyra." Oh, please let it involve Lady Gaga! Please let them all have no pants and bloody eyeballs for all! But alas, there is no such goodness. The girls meet Jay, who tells them that today they're going to do editorial reinterpretations of their own childhood photos. Jay notes that fashion trends tend to repeat themselves, so the Hammer pants (actually, that's technically a Hammer BODYSUIT) that Nicole wore when she was a baby are now known as harem pants and are totally in fashion. In accordance, today they'll revisit the fashion trends of their infancy and make them modern and hip. The photographer for the day is Baldomero Fernandez, who is not quite as swarthy as his name would suggest. The girls get their hair and makeup done, and we catch a glimpse of new makeup artist Erin Ayanian.
Model Erin is first up for her shoot. She has a big bow on her head, which is analogous to the bow headband of her babyhood. Erin has a vacant look which normally wouldn't cut it, but with her bleached hair and bleached eyebrows it somehow works. Jay thinks that Erin might be clueless later on, but she definitely lucked into this one. Lulu is up , in a stylish version of the pigtail and jumper of her youth. She tries to work her props and work her face as much as possible. Rachel wants to portray a high-fashion innocence. Laura says that Rachel is adorable, but Erin notes that you have to be a little more than adorable. We catch a glimpse of new wardrobe stylist Emma Trask. I guess the former glam squad all got dumped along with Paulina. Rae was a ballerina in her childhood photograph, and as an adult has to wear plastic pointed 8-inch heels to make it modern, current, drag queen fashion. Rae declares them impossible, and as she falls backwards on her ballerina butt we head to commercials.
When we return, it does not appear that Rae has broken any bones. She decides that, on behalf of herself and hopes for a better life for her daughter, she has no choice but to make these drag queen porn star ballerina fetishist shoes work. Jay says, "I know the girls are short, but really?" Point: Manuel. Rae's shots are stunning, and Jay gives her serious props for looking like a tallish model. Meanwhile, there's another new crew member! Robert Mefford is the hair stylist. No Sutan or Christian? What is the world coming to! Meanwhile, Bianca is complaining about her makeup. I know you're shocked.
Courtney has to recreate a photo of herself looking in the mirror. She knows the meaning of the word "narcissistic," and also does a nice job portraying some sophistication in her photos. Bianca's childhood photo has her in pajamas trying on her mom's high heels. Jay asks what's up with her energy on set, and Bianca tells him that she doesn't like her makeup. Jay says that in the real world of modeling, you always have to deliver regardless of what you do or don't like. In other words: stifle, Edith. Bianca's attitude carries over to her photographs, and she looks severe and mad. After her shoot is done, she complains to Jay about her outfit, saying that her top smells really bad under the arms. Ten bucks says that's her own damn B.O. Everyone is already sick of Bianca.
Brittany is , recreating a photo of herself as a child sucking on a pixy stick. As she sprawls out and puts the long, tubular stick in her mouth, Jay notes that it's looking a little pornographic. He tells us that she's a sweet girl, but the first two-thirds of her film was horrible in a way that only porn involving ladies can be. Lisa is , recreating her two-year old clown dressed self. She's standing on a block in five inch heels with giant balloons all around her, and is having a bit of a hard time with it all. Jay encourages her to have fun with this moment. She refuses to do so, and he compares her performance to watching paint dry. Maybe she draws inspiration from sad clowns.
up is Ashley, who fell asleep on the couch a lot as a child. As an adult, she falls asleep on the couch with her eyes open in red plastic Mary Janes. She's thinking about tension and having a lot of expression on her face. It must work, because Jay tells her that she made the shot look expensive. Then we have Sundai, whose childhood photo features her, in her own words, in a "droopy, nasty diaper." You gotta work the Huggies, bitch. As an adult, this translates to high-waisted lingerie. Jay says that Sundai's photo shoot wasn't elevated or current and just fell flat. is Bloody Eyeball Nicole, in harem pants as promised. Jay explains that her set will have giant blocks to represent kids' toys. She stares blankly ahead and he asks her if she's awake. Despite this, you just know that she's going to rock it. And she does. Bloody Eyeball likes to be the underdog and to prove people wrong. Courtney notes that B.E. pretends that she's dumb and doesn't know what she's doing, but it's obviously a big, hairy front.
Kara is , and gets to recreate her favorite childhood picture, which features her head popping up through a bunch of greenery. She looked exactly the same as a kid, minus some sheep castration. Things really start working for her when the photographer takes some shots of her in profile. Then we have Laura, who's recreating a photo of her looking blissful as she holds her baby sister. Laura says, "It looks like I done won the lottery, because I just think I've got a piece of chunk of gold in my hand." The love, it is burning strong. Laura says that she doesn't really know how to properly hold her fake baby, and Jay tells her to use it as an accessory. Laura totally holds the baby like a purse, and manages to pull the whole thing together with her expression. Jennifer is , and her childhood photo has her buried in sand. Of course, as a grown-up model she has to sell clothing, so she's merely on top of the sand for her photo. She asks Jay if she can lie in it, and winds up wearing him out with how good she is. And with that, it's a wrap! One shoot down, 11 weeks of wanting to shoot myself in the head to go.
When the girls return home, there is Tyra Mail. Someone's going home! The message is delivered in a box with a skull on top, which can't be good. Bianca and Bloody Eyeball sit by the pool, and Bianca asks B.E. why she doesn't talk much. B.E. says that she gets in her head a lot. She stops noticing what goes on around her and just thinks about stuff. Bianca interviews that Bloody Eyeball is stiff competition, however she's also really weird, and she's really quiet, and still waters run deep. And THEN Bianca actually says to Bloody Eyeball, "I think something's wrong with you." Something tells me that B.E. has heard this before. She also knows how to recognize a stank bitch when she sees one, so is appropriately wary of Bianca. With this, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time for panel! The girls head out to find Tyra holding a giant cardboard cutout of her baby photo over her face. The other judges are doing the same thing, perhaps in part to build the suspense over who has replaced Paulina. Miss J. doesn't have a childhood photo, because he sprung fully formed out of Pepper LaBeija's forehead. Tyra introduces the girls to guest judge for the week, model Chanel Iman, and they're all appropriately impressed. Then, of course, there's Nigel, who had long, flowing locks as a child. Miss J. is introduced last, which means there IS no Paulina replacement whatsoever. The salty seat is deserted, my friends. The prizes are a bit different, too. The winner will receive a contract with Wilhelmina models this cycle, because Wilhelmina welcomes models of every size and shape. The cover and six-page spread in Seventeen remain, as does the $100,000 Cover Girl contract. With that, the evaluations begin!
Rachel, who loves her dark hair, is up first. Nigel this that she's nicely precocious in her photo, even if her right hand is a little broken and claw-like. Rachel is 5' 5 1/2", but looks a good 5'9" in her picture, which is a good thing. It's all about making yourself look like you went through the taffy puller. Ashley is , and Chanel Iman says that she's giving it. Ashley is a dance teacher, and is using her dance background to enhance her modeling. Good work all around. is Brittany. Miss J. says with some reservation that her photo is sexy, and Tyra notes that throughout her film Brittany overdid the booty tooch. The overt sexuality needs to be pulled back a bit. Brittany thinks that her dark hair brings out her sexiness. Tyra notes that she, too, has darker hair now, and then proceeds to wag her tongue in an exaggerated fashion that will give us all nightmares.
Jennifer is , and does a great job of stretching her body to fill the frame of the picture. Miss J. thinks it's brilliant. Tyra says that her jawline is stunning and her eyes are beautiful, and Nigel approves of how she's updated her childhood photo. Kara is , and her profile shot is good. However, Nigel is skeptical when any profile shot is chosen, because it means that the model is not good straight on. Tyra tells Kara that she needs to work on her straight-on shots, which basically means, "Get prettier." Rae and her ballerina shot is . Nigel thinks that it's great, and Chanel says that she's graceful and looks like a doll. Tyra hyperventilated when she first saw Rae's photos, but sadly did not pass out. Chanel tells her to get used to the uncomfortable shoes.
is Sundai, the shortest girl in the competition at 5'3". Miss J. tells her to take off her leg warmers, which are making her look stumpy. She does so, over her shoes no less! The life of a fashion model is 24-7 craziness! Sadly for Sundai, her photo does not get raves. Nigel tells her that she's beautiful, with an exquisite face, but she actually looks too strong and has a lack of energy in her photos. Sundai is depressed. up is Lisa, who admits to being both excited and nervous. Nigel likes the concept and styling of Lisa's shot, but her pose looks too amateurish. Chanel thinks that she looks mean, and Miss J. adds that her face got lost in all of her clown ruffles.
Then there's Bloody Eyeball, who gets instant raves. Chanel tells her that her photo is fierce. Tyra thinks that she needs a bit more smiling with her bloody eyes in the photo. Miss J. calls it may-jah, because it is, and Nigel praises her broken body angles. Laura is , and also gets positive feedback. She looks like she's in control of the photo. Chanel suggests that she arch her back a bit more to give shape to her body. Bianca is . Nigel thinks that her photo looks like it's straight out of a fashion magazine, but Tyra is not about to let Bianca go without addressing issues of her stank attitude on set. Tyra says that, back in the day when there wasn't even makeup for women of color, she wouldn't walk on set and say, "I don't like my makeup (down pouty face)." She'd walk on set and say, "I don't like my makeup (smile with eyes)." So there.
Then there's Erin of the bow on her head. The judges love it. Nigel says that she could take the picture to the level by slightly collapsing her body. Tyra points out to Bianca that Erin has bleached eyebrows that are working all over the place for her. And also she doesn't complain about them like a whiny bitch. Lulu is , and gets mostly raves on her photo, with a bit of advice for elongating her neck. Courtney's photo is like artwork according to Chanel. Tyra notes that Courtney's right arm is very muscular. She says that it's important to be leaner or a bit softer, or else you wind up looking like an athlete. The horrors.
And with that, it's time for the judges to deliberate. Rachel has good angles, and her broken angles and shape work even with her scary claw-hand. Ashley is stunning and understands her body. Brittany looks like an actress posing for a magazine instead of a model, and has accomplished the near-impossible feat of making herself look smaller. Jennifer, on the other hand, gives good stretch. Kara is beautiful with superb bone structure, but she can be quite hard. Sundai looks drunk in her picture, and it's not working. Rae is a ray of sunshine, and her ballerina pose has inspired Chanel. Lisa is a scary clown in her photos, and a dud in person. She almost makes you miss Crazyface Amber. Bloody Eyeball Nicole is working her entire body, tippy head to tippy toe. She's fierce. Laura has a great face and is a stunning girl according to Nigel, and Chanel sees a cosmetics contract in her future. I'm not sure whether that's a good or a bad thing. Bianca had issues, and isn't classically pretty. However, Nigel thinks it works for her. Chanel loves Lulu's length in her photo, and admits to being a fan. Erin looks great in her photo, even if it's not a sensational modeling picture. Courtney's photo looks like art that Chanel would hang in her laundry room. That's a heady compliment, eh? As Miss J. says, "Who in the hell goes in your damn laundry room other than you?" And with that, the judges have reached a decision.
Fourteen beautiful young ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has 13 photos in her hands. And those photos represent the girls who are still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. The first name called is Rae, who had the best photo of the week. She is surprised and delighted. Tyra calls Bloody Eyeball, followed by Jennifer, Ashley, Courtney, Erin, Lulu, Rachel, Laura, Kara, Brittany and Sundai. This means that Lisa and Bianca are in the bottom two. Tyra is sad to see that Lisa's there, especially after getting a second chance to be in the competition. Lisa has a bad photo, and also isn't particularly memorable. Then there's Bianca. She has a strong photo, but may not be meant to be a model, since models aren't paid to complain about everything constantly. This might not be the industry for her, Tyra says. But this time it's Bianca who's getting a second chance to stop being so stank. She's still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model. And poor Lisa gets disappointed for the second time.
Lisa interviews that she's upset about coming back and being the first to leave. She feels like it's a lost opportunity, but also feels fortunate to have been able to come on the show at all. She's going to try to continue to model, even though her small stature will make it more difficult.
week: Someone gets the boot at a visit to the Wilhelmina offices, and Tyra dresses up as a deranged superhero.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see why vloggers Val & Beth think that Tyra should start accepting older models, as well, in TV is the Answer!
Potes is like the wind through your tree. She can be reached at potesypotes@gmail.com.