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They're baaaaaaack, and this time they're heading to Sin City! Yes, that's right, 34 semi-finalists head all the way to Vegas to try to impress their way into the final thirteen and/or catch a glimpse of Cher. The theme for Cycle 12 is apparently "goddesses," and has the girls dress up in mini-togas, take a profile shot in which they try to make their noses look as Roman as possible, and walk hideously on a runway covered in makeshift smoke machine clouds. All of this pales, however, to the emergence of the Goddess of Fierce, otherwise known as Tyra Herself. She is flanked by Spartan men and we get our first extraterrestrial comparison of the season.
Cycle 12 is full of sad stories and crazies, per usual. We have Sandra who is from Kenya and is totally a stealth bitch; London, who loves Jesus so much that she's compelled to preach on the street wearing crazy headbands; Jessica from Puerto Rico; burn survivor Tahlia who reminds us why it's a bad idea to leave your kid alone with a full coffee pot; gun-toting crazy conspiracy theorist Monique (who sadly doesn't even make it through the first cut); rich-ass Natalie; very tall Aminat; anxiety-riddled Kathryn, who somehow determines that the best way to impress the judges is to bring them samples from her pen collection; Alex the super-street white girl; epileptic Isabella; Nijah the prom queen; Fo(licia) with the freckles who refers to herself as "Blaxican"; Grandma Celia who has the audacity to be 25; plus-sized Kortnie who dated Dale Earnhardt, Jr.; Allison of the crazy eyes and blood fetish; tomboy Teyona; and Angelea, who had a daughter who died and has no business being a model.
The 34 are cut down to lucky 21 who must pose as goddesses with particular attributes. We get our first catfight of the season as Sandra and Angelea have it out to such an extent that they insult each others' feet. Angelea is upset because she doesn't want everyone to think she's ghetto, but Sandra remains stone cold. Sadly for Angelea, she doesn't make it to the final thirteen and has to go back to Buffalo, which is apparently the worst place on earth. Kathryn is also denied a spot and has only her pen collection to comfort her. The ones who do make it through to torture us for twelve episodes are: Aminat, Natalie, Fo, Allison, Tahlia, Celia, Nijah, London, Teyona, Kortnie, Isabella, Jessica, Sandra. But I've already stopped caring about these jerks because I'm all abuzz about the 5'7" and under policy for Cycle 13: The Season of the Shorty!
The second part of the two-hour premiere has the final thirteen going to New York City, where the streets are paved with breadcrumbs that are not part of a low-carb diet. The girls meet Nigel and Paulina atop the Empire State Building for the sole purpose of getting their house keys. Through some random key giving ceremony, Celia is told that she gets to choose the first bed in their phat Upper East Side pad, which contains an excruciating number of Tyra photos, and also some wall space decided to past winners. Sandra, who is basically a pill from the beginning of the episode to the end, picks a secluded bed because she is strongly against the making of friends. In sad news for her, Celia also wants that bed and bumps her. There are twelve beds for thirteen girls, and Sandra starts to get reeeeallly prickly. Just in time London intervenes and, like Jesus before her, offers to sleep on the floor. Also, in case you forgot, Isabella is epileptic and Tahlia is a burn victim. Illnesses!
The girls head to Guastavino's, near the 59th Street Bridge, to partake in a fashion show with designer Laura Poretzky from Abaete. There is a bad girl / good girl theme. Tahlia gets immediately upset because she's all covered up while the other models are showing skin. She seems completely unprepared for the insecurities and shame that come to the surface, which makes me think she really didn't give this whole modeling thing a lot of thought. Meanwhile, Isabella is nervous because strobe lights could make her have a seizure. She makes it through without incident, though. The same can't be said for Sandra, however, who loses her damn mind and doesn't even walk the whole length of the runway. The week's photo shoot is an homage to innocence that has the girls dressed up as little tykes playing beloved childhood games. Fo, a pre-school teacher, is a natural at ring around the rosie, and Allison and her doll-like countenance make double dutch fierce. Teyona's shot is also good, even though she has a small head. Tahlia is still feeling conflicted about her scars, and Tyra tells her that designers are either going to cover her up or fetishize her, so she might as well get used to it. In the end Isabella's dodgeball photo and Sandra's hide and seek shot land them in the bottom two. Sandra, most likely by virtue of dramatic potential at home, is the one who lives to see another week and torture her housemates even more.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then look back at last season's wackiest moments.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's back, bitches! Yes, that's right, it's Cycle 12 of Top Model, and things begin in as nonsensical a fashion as ever. To wit: "Welcome to America's Top Model Cycle 12. Reverse those numbers and what do you get? [Ding ding!] Top Model's lucky number, 21. We're going to Vegas, baby!" I mean, I guess there's some sort of logic that follows to get from Point A to Vegas, and it's the same logic that causes you to anoint yourself "The Goddess of Fierce." But we'll get to that momentarily. Tyra tells us that Vegas is not Sin City, but Indulgent City. You know what this means -- all-you-can-eat rib buffet! Anyhoo, Tyra has narrowed down thousands of depressing applications to 34 semi-finalists, and she's bringing them all to Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. Oh my God, what if they run into Cher?!?!?! I can't even imagine how many "Snap out of it!" moments there would be. I suppose it's also possible that they could run into Celine, whom I always imagine just hanging around with a Cirque du Soleil clown/mime by her side. But I digress. Thirteen lucky girls will continue on in hopes of becoming America's Top Model, and in the process will have to endure the scorn of the entire Internets.
Our 34 semi-finalists ride together on a bus and squeal with glee. Celia, 25, says nothing of note but immediately distinguishes herself as a very blonde Jennifer Jason Leigh clone who is fond of menswear and could be the grandmother of every other contestant on the show. She'll have the oatmeal. Allison, 20, looks simultaneously like Shelley Duvall in The Shining and one of the twins from The Shining. Quite a feat, eh? She interviews that it's hard for her to interact with a lot of other girls, and that she's heard people call her creepy or strange. As evidenced by the above comment, I guess I am one of those people. Allison admits that she's socially awkward. Soon she will confess that she's as likely to kill you in your sleep as not. Angelea, 22, who looks a little like Octomom but with crazier nails, is the first of this cycle to declare that she's not here to compete in America's Top Best Friend. I think that's because she's here to cut you.
The girls line up at a fountain in front of which a crew of Trojans part and allow the Jays to emerge. None of that is a double entendre. They explain that this week Caesar's Palace will be renamed "The Temple of Tyra." Subtext: Tyra = Doom. The Jays are standing in front of a statue of Nike, the Goddess of Victory. Jay Manuel says that the girls should embody her spirit, poise and determination, while overlooking the fact that she has no damn head. Only a select few of these girls will go from mere models to full-on goddesses, like spawn sprung fully formed from Tyra's fivehead. Sandra, 19, tells us that she's from Kenya and is already an African queen and a goddess. And also a pill.
The girls take their first step toward goddessdom by putting on shortie togas. Kortnie, 24, is the only plus-sized girl of the bunch and says it's probably impossible for her to be as skinny as some of the other bitches. Yeah, 'cause she's so HUGE to begin with. I'm surprised she's not wearing a toga made of donuts. The girls head back to meet Mr. Jay, who tells them that today is their first photo shoot! They'll be doing a classic Roman profile shot. Celia is up first and, after reminding us that she'll be eligible for AARP at any moment and, boy, is she looking forward to discounted movies, tells us that she works in the men's store at Bergdorf Goodman and loves being saturated in fashion. Fo, 19, tells us that she's a hippie. Never go with a hippie to a second location. Sandra doesn't think she has any competition. Aminat, 21, knows that Tyra is going to love her and be her BFF. But isn't Jay already Tyra's BFF, and by default the one who gets to shave her calluses every Friday night? Kathryn, 18, is the youngest of the bunch and a small-town girl. She's feeling a bit intimidated. Teyona, 20, is Kountry with a capital K. She grew up riding dirt bikes and playing football in the cornfields with chickens. Or something like that. Those chickens put on a mean running game.
The girls head off to be humiliated by Miss J. He's fashioned a cloud-walk out of a runway and some dry ice and wants the girls to exhibit strength, endurance and poise. Sandra is up first and looks like one of those dogs who has a skateboard for back legs. Angelea has one very odd looking super-straight arm on her walk, and Sandra says she looks abnormal. Bitches who live in crunk houses shouldn't throw shade. Tahlia, 18, lacks goddess confidence. Monique, 21, has red hair and interviews that her personality is different than anyone else's because she's involved in politics. Maybe she also knows the difference between "your" and "you're"! Sweet. She calls herself a conspiracy theorist. Hmmm. Maybe she's actually here to uncover the truth about the Cycle 9 Saleisha victory? London, 18, tells us it was pretty hilarious to see how many girls can't walk. On the flip side, there's Puerto Rican Jessica, 18, who can strut and knows it. Overall though, that exercise was a fright. Speaking of frights, the girls are getting close to meeting the Big T herself!
The Jays and the girls head to the pool in the early evening, and soon see a parade of hot Spartan dudes. In the middle of them all is Tyra, who I think has that same stretched-out filter that they used to try to make Ann Wilson look skinny in the video for "These Dreams." Tyra takes a step forward and announces, "I am..." Oh, are you really going to leave it up to us to finish that sentence? In fact, no. One of the hot Spartan dudes answers for her: "The Goddess of Fierce." I sometimes wonder what this show would be like minus the egregious retardation, but that's like trying to imagine how long my morning routine would take if I didn't have the Glaminator to assist me, or how I would have decided to style my hair without the aid of the Good Fierce Witch.
Tyra -- er, The Goddess of Fierce -- says that she has been The Goddess of Fierce for 2,752.7 years. I'm sure it doesn't surprise you that Tyra predates Jesus. The Goddess of Fierce is tired, and is looking for a successor to light her chariots of fire. Is that supposed to be as dirty as it sounds? In any case, she's also looking for America's Top Model. The girls go crazy. Celia passionately interviews that Tyra is amazing, is an entity, is a force, and is -- wait for it -- extraterrestrial. Thank you for saying that, Claire, so I don't have to. Tyra asks the girls to strike their fiercest goddess pose, and Sandra instantly whaps some of the other girls with her Gumby arms. Angelea, 22, from Buffalo, New York, interviews that she and Sandra got into it. Angelea will not be intimidated. Sandra, for her part, is aggrieved that Angelea was jumping up and down to her and poking her with her long nails. I could see that Sandra would be worried about her head deflating. Tyra goes off to be fanned with palm fronds and have short ribs fed to her, chanting, "Fierce!" all the while. With this, we head to commercials.
When we return, it's time for the ladies to make fools of themselves in front of a panel of Tyra and the Jays. Sandra is first, and Tyra immediately tells her she looks like a British fashion show. Or like an episode of Benny Hill. Sandra starts bawling because she's so happy. She interviews that she moved from Kenya when she was 12, and didn't have many friends because she's "different." Something tells me she's going to be "different" all season. Tyra asks Sandra what she loves most about herself physically, and Sandra says she loves that she's dark. Tyra tells her that her lovely mahogany skin is what got her this far. Sandra has been interested in modeling since she was young, and was inspired by Tyra and Iman. Miss J. notes that Sandra's body is sick, and both he and Tyra say that she has their old waistline.
London, 18, is , and as soon as she walks in -- wearing one of those stupid tiny headbands around her forehead like the fancy man from American Idol -- Tyra notes that she goes around the world spreading the word. Is she a Microsoft Office salesperson, you may wonder? In fact, no. London is a street preacher and spreads the word of the Lord. Maybe she's dressed like a homeless person so she'll fit in? Tyra asks for a sample sermon and London busts out her opening line: "Hey guys -- any of you know who Jesus Christ is?" Like someone is going to walk up and go, "Wait... is he in the Obama administration?" I think London maybe also tells people that they're going to hell. Except in cases where it's obvious and saying it aloud would just be overkill, which is why she remains silent with Tyra. Miss J. asks London if, given her attire, people mistake her for a street walker instead of a street preacher. London cracks up, because the Lord has nothing against hooker heels. She interviews that she's a model with a mission, and is looking forward to spreading His name in the fashion industry. Unless His name is Karl Lagerfeld, I think her strategy could use some adjustment.
Jessica, 18, the feisty Puerto Rican, is . Tyra notes that Jessica has never been called ugly a day in her life. Well, I'm sure if she's on the show long enough the fine folks on the forums will rectify that. Instead, people call her a sexy flaca, which I believe translates to "skinny bitch." Miss J. tells Jessica that people have never called her ugly... to her face. She just smiles blankly at him. Jessica interviews that if you're going to be in this competition you need to be confident or go home.
Tahlia, 18 from Phoenix, is up , and sacrificed college to pursue her dream of modeling. Apparently, she has one year left and figures she can always go back. Wait, she's only 18. Maybe she's a secret Doogie Howser-style genius. Jay asks, "Why modeling?" Because she hoped that she might one day meet an orange man whose hair matches his suit jacket? No, in fact, Tahlia wants to be a model because she has a story to share with everyone. Oh, here we go. Tahlia is a burn survivor. Impressive, but still no retinitis pigmentosa. She says it's taken her 14 years to get comfortable with her scars, and adds that she has 14 surgeries. The scars are very visible when she's in her bikini. Tahlia says that her mother left her alone in the kitchen when she was eight months old, and she pulled the cord of a full coffee pot, which then came crashing down on her. Tyra is very pleased to see Tahlia standing proud in her swimsuit and looking absolutely beautiful. Tahlia interviews that just because a few people judge or criticize you doesn't mean the whole world is going to reject you, and you don't have to hide yourself. Unless you are Miss J., in which case you should try hiding yourself maybe once in a while, just to give the rest of us a break.
Elsewhere, several models hang out and chat. Monique, 21 from Telluride, Colorado, asks the others if they know who the Elites are, and before waiting for a response tells them that the Elites are the 300 richest families and they control the world. She adds that the Rockefellers are worth 101 trillion dollars. Aminat is all, "One of my giant hoop earrings is worth 101 trillion dollars." Monique says that she'll never bring a child into this world because she thinks it's going to hell. I'm sure London could give a second opinion on that. Monique then goes before Tyra and the Jays and tells them about how corrupt our government is and how we bombed Pearl Harbor ourselves as an excuse to go to war. And how Eva Pigford was only 5'7" and probably went to T-Zone camp, too. Monique got the gift that all conspiracy theorists get for their 21st birthdays -- a gun. She is apparently a fierce poser, and strikes a few for the panel. As she walks in her bikini, it becomes apparent that the government has conspired to give her early onset osteoporosis.
Natalie, 19 from Palos Verdes, California, is , and when asked by Tyra about her "cushy" life admits that she's never had to work a day in her life. She's not Gossip Girl rich, but is possibly rich. If she's such a spoiled rich girl, why didn't she get those unsightly moles taken care of? Natalie is über-confident, and says that she has one of the strongest looks going. She does have a perfect Victoria's Secret body. Aminat, 19 from Union, New Jersey, is , and her defining trait is that she's really tall. She's 6'1" and works three-inch heels along with a 'fro for extra height. As a tall girl who can wear a pair of heels, I'm feeling her.
We cut back to girls hanging out and talking about who had the worst walk. Kathryn, 18 from Farmland, Indiana, starts to talk about how they had to wear the heels for hours and several people jump in to say that if you're already complaining about how your feet hurt, you need to go home and wear Crocs at your job at whatever mall kiosk has no policy about wearing non-hideous footwear. Kathryn starts to cry and the others tell her not to "take it personal." She busts out the fact that she has very bad anxiety and in fact has been having panic attacks all day. The other girls are basically like, "If you can't handle walking on a runway of clouds, what will you do when someone insults your cleaning habits in your very own tray of brownies?" Kathryn appears before Tyra and the Jays and, if you can imagine, things get worse. She has brought her pen collection for them to see. She has a hot dog pen (with mustard!) and a pizza pen and a pickle pen. Those will be handy for her many diary entries lamenting the fact that she did not get chosen to appear on America's Top Model. Tyra holds five of Kathryn's pens, then asks her to name five top models working today. She can't do it. Tyra tells Kathryn that designers aren't going to book her for jobs on the merits of her pen collection alone. She needs knowledge of modeling and passion for modeling. Kathryn starts to say that she's from a very small town, and Tyra's like, "You don't get the Internet in Indiana?" Kathryn interviews that Tyra is serious and can recognize a gimmick. But if it's a good gimmick along the line of "bicurious" or "former stripper," then you've got a shot.
up is Alex, 20 from Tampa, Florida, who is a white girl who once lived in the hood. We get to see Alex's awesome audition tape, in which she says that she is quick to snap on a bitch if she's disrespected. Alex says that in this world you have to watch your back and learn how to peep out people's personalities. Alex interviews that she's had to bust her ass for everything she has in her life. She's probably busted a few other asses along the way, just for fun. Then there's Isabella, 19 from Barboursville, Virginia, who gives Tahlia a run for her money by announcing that in high school she was diagnosed with epilepsy. She has full on-the-ground eyes-in-the-back-of-the-head seizures, and sometimes will go unconscious. One suspects that they will keep her until this happens while she is being evaluated at panel. Isabella interviews that her epilepsy is something she has to deal with on a daily basis -- she takes medication twice a day -- but it's not holding her back in any way.
there is Nijah, 18, from Rancho Cucamongo, California, who is a prom queen. Tyra asks Nijah if she knew she was going to win, which is really just a segue to Tyra talking about how she thought she was going to be named prom queen but wasn't. Shocker. We see a photo of Tyra on prom night, and it appears that her date was a blurry-faced Miss J. Unless this story ends with Tyra being doused by a bucket of pig blood and setting the gym on fire with her psychic powers, I don't need to hear more. And really, if Tyra had destructive psychic powers, I think Naomi Campbell would have retired due to her crippling gas by now. Nijah interviews that she's a pretty nice and friendly girl. She also can tap dance a little. Fascinating!
we have Felicia, who goes by Fo. She's 19 and from Albequerque and is my personal pick for most gorgeous of the season. She has the best freckles. Felicia is mixed race and refers to herself as "Blaxican." Not quite as awesome as Jade's "Blewish," but it will do. Felicia met her father when she was nine, and up until that point didn't know that she was black. That's some excellent family communication she had going on. Felicia has a great body, albeit a short one.The girls hit the dinner buffet and it's time for some more true confessions. Angelea quite sadly had a daughter who passed away after having a seizure. Let's hope that seeing Isabella have her character arc-defining seizure at panel doesn't trigger some sort of psychotic break. Some sort of FURTHER psychotic break. Angelea says that she comes from the ghetto. Her insane nails do the talking for her on this point. Angelea really, REALLY doesn't want to go back to her hometown of Buffalo. We get to ponder the horrors of Buffalo (but it created such a delicious sauce!) as we cut to commercials.
Which: there were a bunch of ANTM winners before. And now there's McKey! Oh God, remember her? And whose brilliant strategic move was it to remind us that Naima ever had a Life as a Cover Girl?
When we return, Angelea comes before the panel and Tyra looks at her hair in horror. All Miss J. can add is, "Look at them damn nails!" Angelea spreads her talons with pride. Tyra tells Angelea to take off her tacky earrings and ridiculous hair. In theory Tyra would like to be one with Angelea and take her wig off too, but the world is not quite ready to see its own reflection in the sheen of her bald alien head. Angelea interviews that she's here to make it, and doesn't want to go back to Buffalo -- or, as she calls it, "Miserabo." Well, if the modeling thing doesn't work out Angelea certainly has a future in the punny names business. Miss J. wonders why Angelea had My Little Pony on the back of her head. The same reason anyone has a My Little Pony -- to help forget the pain. Tyra then notes that Angelea had a callback for Top Model and had nowhere to sleep. She asks Angelea where she spent the night. The answer is almost too horrible for me to tell you, but it is my professional obligation to do so. Angelea slept in the Port Authority bus station, which Jay helpfully notes is the armpit of New York City. Angelea was accustomed to the smell as she comes from Buffalo, the armpit of New York State. She slept for two nights in the bathroom stall at the Port Authority because this is her dream. My dream is to never, ever have to do that. Tyra is like, "You know I love it when girls do whack shit just to be on this stupid show, but that is too much whackness for even me."
To help us forget the spiral into depression that is Angelea, we have Celia. She's dressed in a poufy skirt! Sunshine and light! Buffalo is a distant memory to me now! Celia is from Cynthiana, Kentucky, which is about as far from Buffalo as you can get, thank God. She knows she's the oldest and seems okay with that, which is pretty refreshing. Celia was quite ungainly as a youth, and now, having moved to New York City to be immersed in fashion, is ungainly in a slightly hipper way.
Kortnie, 24 from Houston, Texas, is up and revels in the fact that, as the plus-sized model, she gets to eat cheesecake. She interviews that there's more than one way to be beautiful, and once again being a size eight is like a freaking triumph of the will. Kortnie was once the girlfriend of Dale Earnhardt, Jr., who is apparently famous to rednecks. Dale Earnhardt, Jr.'s fans would call Kortnie a pit lizard. According to Urban Dictionary, a pit lizard is defined as "a raunchy girl normally found in a NASCAR garage looking to pick up a good-looking driver with lots of money. See: whore or skank." And Kortnie is actually in the example sentence for this definition! I buy that she's a skank, even though she claims to want to be notable for more than having a famous boyfriend.
Meanwhile, Allison, 20 from New Orleans, is scaring people with her eyes again. When Tyra asks about them at panel, Allison says that people often say she looks like a scary doll. Allison is also jealous that she's never had a nose bleed. She admits to having a really big fascination with blood, and says that she thinks nose bleeds look really pretty. Tyra got nose bleeds all the time as a child. Allison wants to cut all the skin off of Tyra's face and wear it over her own. That's one way to find the successor to the Goddess of Fierce. Allison interviews that she's really interested in hemophilia before saying that she might give off a strange vibe sometimes. Hm. Don't see it. Tyra thinks that Allison is interesting, but Miss J. worries that she's going to go around punching all the other girls in the nose while they sleep. If you ask me, his fear is founded.
Teyona, 20, from Woodstown, New Jersey, is and thinks she's the bomb. She also grew up in the country around a lot of horses, cows and chickens. Oh, and boys. She says that when she was younger she didn't think she was pretty, but as she got older she started an internal narrative that went, "Mmm, Teyona, you are fine, girl!" Tyra thinks that Teyona's face looks like she's in a wind tunnel. In a good way. If she can also get her hair to blow around of its own accord, I think she'll make it until at least week eight.
The morning, the girls put on their togas again and meet the Jays, who tell them that it's time for the first cut. Only a lucky 21 will make it to the phase. There are 34 boxes -- one for each girl. If a contestant finds a golden wreath in the box with her name on it, she's on to the round. The contestants who don't move on will find nothing, not even a stick of gum for the plane ride home. It is bedlam as each girl runs to find her box. There are tears of joy! There are tears of sadness. Most of the girls we've spent time with make it, including Angelea. She has a message to all the haters: "Angelea's gonna be in that house. I'm gonna be in that house, I'm telling you. That's 14 bitches out the way, you know what I'm saying? Fourteen bitches that ain't me. Peace, bye!" I'm sure this all stems from something she caught at the Port Authority toilet/bed. Monique doesn't make it, and can now begin the enjoyable work of figuring out the conspiracy behind her ouster. Ghetto girl Alex is also eliminated, and notes that she put a lot on the line, even withdrawing from school to come on the show. Well, that was a dumb-ass decision. To all you readers out there: stay in school, bitches!
But who cares about losers? There are happier times afoot! The "lucky" "pretty" "women" meet the Jays to learn their assignment. They'll be doing a photo shoot in which each of them has been pre-assigned a different goddess. They'll each be given a card on which is written the attribute that a particular goddess is known for. In the photo, they'll have to display that attribute well enough that the casual viewer knows what they're doing. There are hair and makeup tables to insure that if there's impetigo or MRSA crawling around among the bunch it will spread wantonly.
London poses first as the Goddess of Justice. She looks like she's carrying a giant tray up the stairs at Ruby Tuesday's. She has another job on the side as the Goddess of the Gospel. Fo is the Goddess of Madness. For that one you just try to channel Janice Dickinson. Which, sigh. I miss her. Aminat is the Goddess of Strength and Formidable Fros. Tahlia is the Goddess of Prosperity, which she represents by looking constipated. Sometimes you enact your prosperity by eating a lot of cheese. Allison is the Goddess of Honor. How the heck would you represent that? Then there's Sandra, who is the Goddess of Success, which she seems to find fitting. She hides her face behind her hands because she's also the Goddess of Idiocy. Isabella is the Goddess of Modesty and, like, half-covers one of her already covered boobs. Nijah is the Goddess of Friendliness, which means she's off making you a Fribble right now. Kathryn is the Goddess of Victory and Hot Dog Pens.
Meanwhile, for no apparent reason, Angelea rolls her eyes amidst a gaggle of girls, including Sandra. Sandra asks aloud if Angelea has an eye problem. That is a dangerous question on this show, when retinitis pigmentosa is lurking around every corner! , when Angelea gets scratchy around her midsection, she'll ask, "Do you have burn scars all over your stomach?" Angelea then aggressively asks Sandra why she's smiling, and Sandra replies, "Because I can!" It's a high-level debate, as you can see. At any moment Jim Lehrer will be coming in to moderate. Things escalate, and soon Sandra is insulting Angelea's nails and telling her that she has no class whatsoever. Angelea's response? "Bitch, you think I ain't got class? YOU ain't got class." I'm not taking sides in this, but I will say that only one of these people has slept in a Port Authority bathroom stall for multiple nights. There are angry shouts of, "Ho! Ho!" and finally Sandra walks away. Angelea then invents a new genre of reality show fighting by going up to Sandra and putting her hand very near, but not on, Sandra's face. The photographer starts to look nervous and realizes that all those stories Jim DeYonker told her were true. Then both girls go the lowest you can go, and begin insulting each other's feet. Angelea has long ugly toes! Sandra has ugly ass corns! Without visual evidence, I cannot make a judgment on these claims. Angelea continues her "didn't touch you" phantom mime fighting, like a very ghetto ninja.
Eventually Jay intervenes and asks them why they're fighting. Angelea replies, "This bitch is trying to try me," and Jay wonders why she can't just turn a blind eye. It's because she has AN EYE PROBLEM, JAY. God, how could he be so insensitive? In any case, it's Angelea's turn to do her photo shoot, and she's Venus, the Goddess of Love. She interviews that she needs to learn to pick and choose her battles, because it's not professional to insult someone's ugly-ass corns in front of a photographer. Angelea is having a hard time portraying love, and Jay wonders if the fight with Sandra brought her down a little. She interviews that it didn't, but she's crying all the while, so I am suspect. She finishes her shoot with a nice serene look, then interviews that Sandra knows she's competition, which is why Sandra is trying to pull her buttons. Do you think she's trying to push a fast one on us? Jay announces that he, Miss J. and Tyra are going to look through the photos and determine the final 13. Angelea is still upset. She interviews that she doesn't want people to think that she's just some ghetto-ass, ghettofied, no-class bitch who don't care. I am only thinking three-quarters of those things. Meanwhile, Sandra is completely nonplussed. Angelea weeps about how bad she wants this as we head to commercial, and I am sad for her that there's no way she's going to pass the psych test.
Meanwhile, check this out! For Cycle 13, Tyra and Co. are bringing high fashion to a new height and looking for girls who are 5'7" and under. Remember how for a minute everyone was totally excited about that rumor that there would be a plus-sized season? Well, shorties are the new fatties. Think about it!
Tyra and the Jays deliberate. Aminat is tall, and Miss J. loves tall girls. Jay wasn't sure about her at first, but loved that she embodied "pride" so well. Despite the fact that she was supposed to embody strength? He thinks she's going to bring intelligence to set. Well, at least someone will. Allison is the type of girl that Tyra likes to use to educate the public about the fact that being a model is not just about being pretty, it's about being odd. Thanks, Tyra, the public was so dumb before you came along. I can feel my brain doubling itself with every hour I spend writing this recap. Jay likes Allison, too, "if she has the energy." Give her deliveries of fresh drag queen blood twice a week and she'll do just fine. Angelea had a big old girl fight that resulted in a stank photo. Jay says that Tyra doesn't like girlfights. However, Miss J. does, and says this is why he loves Angelea -- she fights for her position. Isabella is cute, and could sell Model Fierce Corn Flakes. Celia is potentially crazy, but also potentially smart. And she can twirl really well. Fo has a beautiful face, and her energy might make up for the fact that she's short. Jessica is the prettiest girl in the bunch... that she runs around with. Her skin is as stunning as Jay's when it is freshly oranged.
Kathryn is a sweet girl, but might not be ready for this competition. Kortnie is beautiful and a "nice girl," but Jay doesn't think that she looks proportionate. The plus-sized girls always have to worry about proportions, don't they? Miss J. loves Teyona's face. Jay thinks she's a bit safe, but Tyra thinks she looks like an alien. It's comforting for Tyra to recognize her own people, so Teyona's bound to make it to the final thirteen. Jay loves London and the energy she brings to set. Tyra likes that she's a crazy street preacher, but Jay thinks that maybe she's not quite as preachy as she made it seem. Nijah is beautiful and has flawless skin. Natalie has a bit of a mushed face, but Jay quite enjoys her body. Sandra has taken some fierce shots and has a gorgeous bone above her eyebrow, which should inspire all the young girls out there with bones above their eyebrows to go bang-less. Tahlia has lots of scars, and Tyra likes how proud she was standing before them. Jay, however, is concerned that she's not skinny and she's not plus-sized. She falls in the dreaded in-between vortex of "regular." And with that, Tyra and the Jays have made their decisions!
The girls line up before Tyra and prepare to learn their fate. Once again, there appear to be a few poor girls who got zero camera time. This recap is for you, invisible ladies! Tyra hates you, and that's a good thing. Tyra announces that this season the show will be moving back to New York City! Woo! The first name that Tyra is going to call is... Aminat! She's followed by Natalie, Fo, Allison, Tahlia, Celia, Nijah, London (who thanks Jesus on her own behalf), Teyona, Kortnie, Isabella and Jessica. There is only one name left to call, and several of the girls we've come to know and slightly despise are still waiting. There's Kathryn of the pen collection, and of course bitter enemies Sandra and Anagelea. And the last name that will be a part of Cycle 12 of America's Top Model is... Sandra. As she runs to take her place with the other winners she totally gives Angelea a little bump. This proves that Tyra's decision was right, as Sandra is bound to bug the snot out of everyone in the house while Angelea just would have been sad.
Tyra addresses the losers and tells them that they all have talent and got very far, but if this is truly their passion they will not stop. They'll sleep in the bathroom of a Greyhound bus if they have to. Kathryn can hardly talk because she's crying so much, and I'm really glad she didn't make it. Angelea tells Tyra that she's going to be back. Tyra's all, "Mkay. Security?" Angelea tearfully interviews that Sandra doesn't belong in the house. Angelea's motivation is to model. She very desperately says, "I cain't go back to Buffalo...I cain't." And suddenly everything feels so awful and wrong, and I am even more depressed than when I accidentally catch an episode of The Tyra Banks Show. But only for a second, because then it's time to squeal in happiness along with the final 13! They have fierce goddess poses at the ready! Tahlia tells us that this is a big confidence boost. Not for long, friend. Celia mistakenly thinks she's going to end up on billboards. Tyra announces that the girls will be going somewhere where Top Model has never gone before -- the Upper East Side. Which, really, is not all that different from Buffalo, I think, so Angelea shouldn't feel like she missed out on too much.
Ad with that...it's time for hour two! The girls are living large in New York City. London wears her Holy Tights, and thinks about how the Lord has rewarded her devoutness with this stroke of luck and casting. Isabella is from a small town, and thus is especially excited to be in the fashion capital of the world! She tells us that now she can actually say to herself, "I am a model." More like, "I am a human experiment, Season 12." Sandra tells us that she's unique, beautiful and from Africa. She doesn't think anyone else is as strong as her, or as modelesque. Sandra also says that she has personality. Notice she doesn't say "a good personality." In other news, what the heck is up with her hair? Celia tells us that being in this competition is the biggest feat she's ever accomplished. She's 25, the age at which most models are sent to the glue factory, so she feels lucky to get a chance to start out in this industry in her golden years. If I were her, I'd have been content going on with my normal life, and having cheesecake with Rose and Blanche on the lanai.
The girls head to the top of New York City's Empire State Building, which is seriously fun times. Once there they meet Nigel and Paulina! Yay! The two judges reiterate the fact that the girls are on top of the Empire State Building, which is in New York City. Season 12 begins with a riveting start, per usual. Nigel hands the keys to the new model house to Celia. Paulina tells Celia that, for no reason other than she was standing in front and thus got the keys handed to her randomly, she gets to choose the first bed in the house. She and Aminat celebrate as Sandra glowers.
The model house is typically gorgeous, and typically decorated with larger-than-life photos of Tyra. London says that she finds herself staring at them, and likely wondering if that whole "false idol" thing has been blown out of proportion a bit. Upstairs there are smaller photos of Top Model winners, minus the ones Tyra doesn't like anymore. The girls flop down on various beds, and Aminat notes that, although the house is fly, there are an awful lot of steps. This will keep everyone skinny except for Kortnie, who gets to use the freight elevator. Isabella remains excited to be out of her small town and gleeful that this is her home now, for at least as long as the producers think there's a chance she might have a seizure and thus forget that she's tremendously dull.
There is much revelry and jumping upon beds. Sandra tells us that she really likes the bed that she chose, which is secluded and out of the way. It may surprise you to learn that she's not here to make friends, but to become America's Top Model. Soon enough Celia comes along and takes a liking to Sandra's bed. She decides to claim it even though Sandra's purse was on it, invoking her position as One Who Randomly Got the Keys from Nigel and Paulina. Celia moves Sandra's purse to the floor, and then proceeds to take a bite of her porridge. Just right! When Sandra discovers that Celia has claimed her bed, she is not amused. She notes that there are only 12 beds in the house, and everyone seems shocked despite the fact that this happens EVERY SEASON in hopes that something interesting will actually happen in the first episode. Sandra tells Celia that she's just going to keep the bed that she picked. And you know, as much of a pill as Sandra is, Celia's prize was to pick her bed FIRST, and not to take the bed of her choice after everyone else had already claimed one. The verdict is: they're both bitches. Aminat interviews that she's trying to understand why Sandra is such a wanker. Why is the sky blue, Aminat? Why is the Goddess of Fierce bewigged? Why do you have a silent "t" at the end of your name? Sandra asks Celia if she will share her bed and Celia's all, "We'll figure it out later." However, she interviews that she's absolutely not going to be rolled over by Sandra. Like Tom Petty before her, Celia won't back down.
And then it's time to remember why Isabella's on the show! She opens up a big bag which is chock full of medicines. London explains that when she saw Isabella and her pharmacy bag in semi-finals, before she knew that Isabella has epilepsy, she kind of thought she was a big-ass drug addict. I'm sure London is disappointed, as the chance to lead member of the flock back to the fold on national television only comes along once in a great while, unless you're Dr. Drew. Isabella has three months worth of medication, which is very optimistic of her. She tells us that she knows she has to deal with her epilepsy on a day-to-day basis, and that it might affect her at any time. Her seizures can be scary, but she says that epilepsy is something that she lives with, and not who she is. Meanwhile, we are reminded that when Sandra's eyes roll back in her head it's because she's actually a demon. When Isabella asks what's going on with the bed situation, Sandra says that she and Celia are going to share a bed. Celia has other plans, which do not involve sleeping with Sandra. Before things get out of control, London takes this opportunity to exemplify the Lord's way and volunteers to sleep on the floor. Behind her, Celia is making what is possibly the ugliest face in the history of Top Model. But that's not the point, unless it's underscoring the fact that she's a heathen. Jesus is the point. London interviews that, honestly, she knows she'll have a bed eventually. Because the Lord provides for those who wear His leopard-print tights!
Some of the other girls, ingrates that they are, lament the fact that they have no pool or Jacuzzi. Talk quickly turns to Tahlia's scars, which the others are curious about. She recounts the story of the coffee pot, and then interviews that she wants to be a role model for kids who are like her. She tells the others that she's been bullied and humiliated and made fun of. Well, then, she should be used to what she'll encounter in this house. Jessica thinks that Tahlia is really brave, just like the blind guy on American Idol. And speaking of, can we do a reality crossover and let him partake in the makeover episode? Kthx.
The girls get their first Tyra Mail of the season! It is in elegant Upper East Side font. "Get ready to bridge the gap between good and bad. Love, Tyra." Isn't that sort of the raison d'etre for this show? Fo is thinking they might be superheros on a bridge. And lo, Fo! They do indeed roll up to the 59th Street Bridge! Fo is feelin' groovy about her psychic powers right now. The Jays are waiting, and London interviews that any time she sees those two boys she knows something is going to happen. She does not comment on how the Lord might feel about that particular kind of something. Jay announces that they're at Guastavino's, one of New York's hot spots, and the site of fashion collections from major designers including Christian Dior. Tonight the girls will get to see what a real runway show is like up close and personal, and Jay wants them to meet the designer, Laura Poretzky from Abaete. Laura thanks the girls for coming and says that she hopes they'll enjoy the show... because they'll be in it. Allison immediately thinks that she's going to die. Hopefully for her it will be a bloody death. There is a "bad girl/good girl" theme to the collection. Tres original! Each garment has an element of innocence and an element of naughtiness, which the girls will have to portray.
The girls head to get their hair and makeup done, and practice their walks. Sandra tells us that she'd rate her walk at about an eight or nine. It's not perfect, but she says it's much better than the walks of the other girls. This is why people get clubbed in the knee. Laura doles out the garments to the girls. Celia reminds us again that she's really happy to be gone from Kentucky, where people mow their lawns instead of caring about fashion. With all the lawn-mowing, when do they find time to drink bourbon and watch horse races? Tahlia has been given a suit to wear, while the other girls are in short flirty dresses. She's upset because she's being forced to hide something that she can't help and that should be accepted around the world. Sandra feels the same way when she's forced to wear socks to cover her ugly-ass corns.
Once wardrobed, the girls meet with the Jays again. Miss J. is wearing all black, including a black babushka and bicep-length leather gloves. It's quite the combination of naughty and innocent and dumb as fuck. The girls prepare to walk, and Teyona tells us that she's so confident in her walk that she could work a paper bag in bare feet. Jay, Paulina and Nigel sit in the front row. Tyra is nowhere to be seen. I'm sure she's talking to a pregnant hooker or something. Miss J. takes the first spin down the runway, and Natalie says this is exciting because it's like being in a fashion show with a famous supermodel. He's followed by Aminat, who looks pretty good. London is hunchbacked and thick, but sometimes that works, I guess. Teyona seems to do a fair job, too. We cut backstage to Isabella, who notices that there are strobe lights on the runway, which can trigger seizures. I'm sure Miss J. is on hand with a whole bunch of fierce wallets, just in case. With that, we head to commercials.
When we return, Kortnie walks and Isabella continues to freak out about the strobe lights. However, she walks and no seizures occur. Well, that's kind of a letdown after all that buildup. In other News of the Brave. Tahlia is still kind of upset that she's all covered up, but decides to work it anyway. I guess she gets the award for persistence of spirit amidst all the soul crushing. Nijah loves runway and feels confident about her walk, but Allison tells us that she's having a nervous breakdown. She's afraid she might veer off into the crowd like an awesomely drunken Janice Dickinson. Sadly, she does not. Finally we have Sandra, who walks about a quarter of the way onto the runway, awkwardly kicks her leg up, and turns right around. A scandalized gasp is edited into the scene, and Nigel gives a look like, "I really shouldn't have signed that 15-season contract." We cut back to Sandra, who is now magically further down the runway, but still apparently not all the way. Jay wonders if there's a reason she only went halfway and Paulina gives him a look like, "Don't ask me to try to explain your casting decisions." Sandra, meanwhile, thinks she did a great job, because she has the kind of confidence that's known as delusion. No one else is fooled, though. Oh, meanwhile, there are still a few girls to go! Natalie and Celia do fine. Celia's life is fashion. Natalie still has moles. Fin.
The girls celebrate backstage when the show is finished, and Miss J. says, "I'm gonna get all you bitches at judging." It's so great to have a mentor. Back at the house, we relive Isabella's stress about the strobe lights. She interviews that everyone has faced some sort of adversity, and at least she's not crazy-ass Angelea from Buffalo. I'd take the seizures, too. Tahlia, meanwhile, is still upset and tells Aminat that she got a huge-ass reality check that she wasn't expecting in the form of a skin-covering suit. She confessionalizes that this has been a very hard day, and that it's hit her again that her skin is extremely different. Because of that, she's going to be treated differently. I really don't like it when people on this show have emotional issues that aren't funny. Tahlia continues that what she has is not just unique -- to some people it's ugly and disgusting. She needs to let it go, but it's really hard. I do feel bad for her, but at the same time this show is known for making people feel ugly and terrible about themselves -- read: Kelle and her snout. I just might have taken it under advisement before I applied, is all I'm saying.
It is night, and several girls are giggling in their room and talking about things like whether they're going to have babies. You know who is not participating in any of the fun? Sandra. She's trying to sleep, and confessionalizes that the other girls are not on her level and have no manners. Sandra tells the other girls to either shut up or go to the living room. Ms. Manners continues, "I'm trying to sleep and I can't, so go to the living room and have your dumb conversation." Allison is too shocked to even punch Sandra in the nose for kicks. Celia, Kortnie, Isabella and Allison all leave the room and promptly begin talking about Sandra. Celia admits that it's getting on the late side, but Sandra could have been nicer in asking them to quiet down, and not been quite so truthful about the stupidity of their conversations. Isabella interviews that Sandra is a conflicting force in the house. I think that means that she causes conflict. And I mean, the group dynamic isn't going to black bitch itself. Sandra confessionalizes that she's in it to win it, and so will knock all the other girls down one by one without even touching them. Because that evil she shoots from her eye sockets is surprisingly forceful.
The morning there is Tyra Mail! "Eenie meenie miney mo, make it fierce from head to toe. Love, Tyra." Everyone suspects that they're about to have their first photo shoot. They arrive at Central Park. It's a rainy day, but that doesn't' stop Jay Manuel from riding his bike up to them, decked out like an orange Transformer. You might think his ensemble has something to do with the photo shoot theme, but in fact he just revels in looking ridiculous. He tells the girls that today they'll be portraying beloved childhood games. This is very important to Tyra, who feels that today's girls are growing up way too fast. As a result, good girls are turning bad. To highlight this issue, these grown women will be dressed in schoolgirl outfits and sucking on lollipops. Thanks, Tyra! Extras have been hired to play the dreaded bad girls (toot toot, yeah, beep beep), and the photographer for the day is Fadil Berisha.
The girls head to hair and makeup, where we see old favorites Christian Marc and Sutan. Fo tells them that she's a pre-school teacher, so is doubly down with this shoot. She'll be portraying Ring Around the Rosie. The bad girls surround her and are variously from the ghetto, a punk rocker, and pregnant/drinking booze from a paper bag. If Top Model knows one thing, it's how to present an issue with subtlety. Fo appears to do a relatively good job. London is up , with a tug-of-war shot. She falls in the dirt while pulling her rope, I think because she's wearing giant child-like hooker heels. So innocent! Tahlia has to play tag in her shot. It's hard to play tag in kitten heel booties, as I learned when I was four. Tahlia's having a rough time, and Jay asks her why she wants to be a model. Tahlia says that she has the desire, drive and passion, and also has an inspirational story behind her. This is true of a lot of models. Why, remember how Kate Moss looked like she was on drugs, and then WAS on drugs!?! It really makes you appreciate how the human spirit can triumph. Jay thinks that Tahlia is saying all the right things and trying to do all the right things, but he only sees a giant question mark and a lot of insecurities. Tahlia interviews that over the past two days she's felt shame about herself, and she needs it to go away. With that, we head to commercials.
It's McKey's Life as a Cover Girl. Being a Cover Girl is all about what's on the inside. Except for the part where it's all about what kinds of chemicals you smear on the outside of your face. The inspiration continues!
When we return, Natalie prepares for her leap frog shoot. As she puts on big dark glasses she says, "I look like a nerdy little kid! Ha ha. I've always wanted to be that." See, nerdy little girls? Natalie is jealous of YOU. The drunk pregnant girl in the background totally steals her thunder, as drunk pregnant girls often do. Sandra is portraying hide-and-seek. She is very wide-eyed and smiley, but also a bit stiff. Kortnie is excited to be on the monkey bars, at least until Jay tells her that she looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Aminat attempts to play London Bridge while the bad girls try to drag her into their lifestyle of crack and punk rock concerts. Jay tells her that she's looking a bit too ferocious. Sandra of course has an opinion on this and says that Aminat has no idea how to pose in front of the camera, and her standout tallness is negated by her utter lack of skills. Nijah is , playing musical chairs. She holds up her dress, which Jay would normally hate. However, it gives her little-girl legitimacy. Maybe she'll pee her pants and start crying, too. Editorial!
up is Allison, playing double dutch and looking like she's just been confiscated from the Yearning for Zion Ranch. She's stressed because she has no idea how to double dutch and anticipates getting whacked in the face with a rope or two. This might finally enable her to fulfill her dream of having a nosebleed! Jay says that Allison understood what they were going for, and when she jumped up her face changed into that of a model rather than that of a creepy dead ghost twin. Teyona is , playing hopscotch in the dark. Her dress flies all the way up to her chin, as the dresses of grown women outfitted as little girls tend to. Celia is with a hula hoop. She has no idea how to hula hoop, which lends authenticity to the shoot since, as Jay says, little kids aren't going to use the hula hoop "literally." Isabella is , playing dodgeball. She's from a small town and has only done mall fashion shows, so she's a bit nervous about how she's going to make a little girl playing dodgeball scream "fashion!" Jay interviews that Isabella's photo was one of the biggest disasters of the day. She's taking her criticism too literally. This is why it's best just to pay no attention to Jay. Jessica is up, playing jacks. She's the last of the day, and Jay points out that her poses are looking a bit derivative. She stomps her feet, which is fashionably kid-like. Jay instructs the photographer to shoot, and that's a wrap!
Back at the house there is more Tyra Mail. Someone is going to be sent packing. London hopes that someone had a worse shoot than her, which doesn't seem very Christ-like at all. Still, she thinks that being eliminated because she fell in mud would be a punk-ass way to go out. Sandra says that she's good in photo shoots, and the key to success is just staying focused. Natalie, however, tells Sandra that she's likely to get it in panel because of her runway snafu. Sandra doesn't think this will be enough to get her eliminated, and adds that she never makes mistakes when it comes to modeling. Except, as we've seen, when she does. And then they're really big and obvious. Tahlia is terrified that she'll be eliminated by virtue of her stiff neck and crippling insecurities. She's hoping that the judges will give her one more chance to feel bad about herself. With that, we head to commercials.
We enter panel with a video of Tyra posing with an adorable little girl. Tyra narrates: "Once, there lived a supermodel who wanted to guide future girls. So she broke out the rules to owning your inner fierceness." My takeaways from this are that Tyra wants to: 1) write a self-help book; 2) be cryogenically frozen. Tyra welcomes the girls and goes over the prizes: a contract with Elite model management, a six-page spread and a cover of Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. Tyra then introduces the judges. There is, of course, Nigel. to him is Miss J. Alexander, who is rocking the bowl cut. Then there's Paulina, who has finally achieved her goal of having hair taller than Tyra's.
Sandra is up first for evaluation. Miss J. tells her that she was broke down in the fashion show, and not in a good way. Sandra says that she thought she stopped at the right place on the runway, but apparently she didn't. Miss J. notes that the audience didn't get a chance to appreciate how fantasticals she looked. Tyra is about to have everyone take a look at Sandra's photo, but first must speechify. She says that the topic of the photo shoot is important to her -- the issue of teen girls being what Tyra calls "out of control." My, how did she come up with that clever descriptor? Tyra did a survey on her talk show website and discovered that one in five girls that she surveyed actually wanted to be a teen mom. Frankly, I think that speaks more to the demographic of The Tyra Banks Show than anything. Tyra wants to bring purity and innocence back. Maybe this is just so she can make it seem like her recent years of celibacy were voluntary. Sandra's hide and go seek photo is a disappointment. Paulina thinks she looks lost, while Tyra thinks she might have squatted down or peeked around the tree behind which she was hiding. Nigel thinks that Sandra looks scared now, was obviously nervous on the runway, and was confused by the hide and go seek concept. He hates her instantly, which I think speaks highly of his instincts.
Celia is to go before panel. Tyra loves her outfit, and also her photo. She says that Celia is not a commercial-type girl, but her hula hoop photo could be in Seventeen. All of the judges seem to find it miraculous that she learned to hula-hoop on the spot. Triumph of the spirit, part infinity! Fo is . Nigel thinks that her photo is adorable, but Paulina says that it doesn't capture Ring Around the Rosie. How do you actually even play Ring Around the Rosie? Perhaps it's a game that all European children play with dour expressions on their faces and a heart full of despair? Tyra thinks that Fo looks adorable but not like a model. As one of the shorter girls there, she needs to figure out a way to make herself look long and lean.
Aminat is . Tyra likes her outfit with the exception of her giant hoop earrings. Aminat takes them off, and instantly looks like a model. On her London Bridge photo, Miss J. tells Aminat that she has to watch her gangly legs, which might tend to get a bit tangled up. Paulina doesn't think that Aminat's face works in the photo, and Tyra agrees. She loves Aminat's face as she's being judged, however, and wants her to bring some of that same vulnerability to her photos. London is with her tug-of-war photo. Tyra tells London that her panel outfit and hair make her look crazy. This is why her gospel preaching is so effective! Nigel thinks that London's photo is fantastic, and Tyra is impressed at how she found the light. She also thinks that London looks free, like she doesn't yet have to pay taxes. Methinks the IRS has not been so fierce to Tyra recently.
up is Jessica. Her angles are gorgeous, but have nothing to do with playing jacks. Paulina doesn't know what jacks is, but from the photo would guess that you play it by standing around and looking fierce. Her photo is good, but it's not enough. Teyona looks great from head to toe in her hopscotch photo, according to Nigel. He says it's the epitome of this week's theme. Miss J. isn't crazy about Teyona's head placement and Tyra notes that Teyona has a small head, which looks even smaller when it gets farther away from the camera. She needs to push her small head forward. Isabella is , and her dodgeball shot looks more like dance than anything, according to Nigel. He doesn't get it, and thinks she looks a bit of a mess. Tyra notes that Isabella struggled, and her face was even blocked in many shots by other parts of her body. She has to learn where the camera is. Her face can sell a lot of great things, but if she can't model it's all for naught. Frankly, I'm losing my craving for Model Fierce Corn Flakes.
Nijah is , and her musical chairs photo looks a bit like she's playing hopscotch. However, it's one of the best face and hair shots so far, according to Tyra. It embodies innocence and sweetness, and she has a sparkle in her eyes and her smile. Kortnie is on the monkey bars. Tyra thinks it's nice, but for her majorette-like left leg. Paulina agrees that it looks like she just escaped from the parade. there's Allison. Tyra thinks that her double dutch photo is adorable -- wide-eyed, innocent, but still looking like a model. Or a woodchuck. Or a creepy dead ghost twin. Nigel says she looks a little caught in headlights, but he likes it. Miss J. mumbles that it's not double dutch for him. Tyra notes that this is because the stupid bad girl extras were too tired to swing the jumpropes. She tells Allison and the other models to command their shots and make sure their extras don't sabotage them.
there's Tahlia and her tag photo. She has a funky left leg, too. Tyra tells her to run in circles when she's about to go out of the parameters of a frame. But no one really cares all that much about Tahlia's photo. They care about her issues! Tyra notes that Tahlia was upset about being covered up at the fashion show. Tahlia replies that her feelings caught her off-guard, and adds that she might not have prepared herself well enough for what the modeling industry may want and need from her. This would include hiding her scars or, conversely, not hiding her scars. Paulina calls Tahlia brave, and says that she needs to be in the forefront and show girls that they can be beautiful with scars. However, Tyra wants to break it down honestly for Tahlia. There are some designers who will book her because she's beautiful, but will want to cover the scars. Then there are designers who will book her BECAUSE she has the scars and flaunt that. These are the same designers who hire Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton to be in their shows.
Last up is Natalie. She is wearing a stupid skinny headband, and when she takes it off she has a stupid skinny red mark on her forehead. Nigel basically tells her that she's an idiot. Tyra thinks that Natalie's leap frog photo is stunning and that she has natural ability. Paulina disagrees, saying that she can't really tell how much potential Natalie has from this photo. And with that, the evaluations are complete and the goddesses-in-training must head back to the holding room and await their fates.
The judges deliberate. Sandra looks lost in the woods in her photo, according to Paulina. Nigel thinks she's very nervous, but one of the most beautiful girls there. Celia is missing two fingers in her photo, according to Miss J. Paulina replies that if he's getting that nitpicky, it means it's a really great shot. Miss J. is trying to find something modelesque about Fo. It for sure is not her neck. Nigel thinks that Fo is super-cute, and it works in the photo. Aminat was brilliant on the runway, according to Paulina. However, she looked the same on the runway as in her photo, and both Tyra and Paulina are concerned that she's one note. Well if it's a really good note, who even needs a melody? London's shot is good, but Nigel thinks she's quite wide in the hips and doesn't have good proportions. Paulina agrees. Tyra sees London as a commercial model. Jessica's shot is not great, and her face looks average. She is one of the dreaded girls who relies on pretty, according to Miss J. Teyona has loads of potential, according to Paulina, but in her photo she looks like she's being sucked up by UFOs. Tyra laughs nervously. She likes Teyona's wind-tunnel face. Nigel coins the term "wind in the face," which is bound to revolutionize the industry.
Isabella looks like a little person in her photo, which is a problem for a model. However, Nigel enjoyed seeing her on the runway, particularly the part where she didn't have a seizure. In person, though, she's not dynamic at all. Nijah has one of the best faces of the bunch, but Paulina is not certain of the dress lifting. Tyra says that little girls do that, and then flash you. Thus the need for intervention. Kortnie is charming all around and has a really beautiful face, however it's not translating in photos. Allison is otherworldly, according to Paulina, which could be great. Miss J. gives Tyra props for seeing Allison's potential when he couldn't. Paulina hopes that Tahlia has more to her than her photo shows. Tyra tells Paulina what Tahlia has: she's a burn survivor. She's a role model, but as a model-model, says Nigel, she's going to have to pick it up. Paulina knows that Tyra thinks Natalie has a lot of potential, but she doesn't see it. Nigel's not crazy about the photograph, but agrees with Tyra that there's some potential there.
The girls return. There are 13 girls, but only 12 photos. And the girl with the best photo, unanimously, is Allison! She's surprised but happy, and forgets where she's supposed to stand after she receives her photo. Tyra calls Fo, followed by Teyona, London, Celia, Nijah, Kortnie, Natalie, Aminat, Tahlia and Jessica. This leaves Isabella and Sandra in the final two. Two girls, one photo. Isabella is a beautiful girl door with a beautiful spirit, but was lost on the set. And then there's Sandra, who was the biggest disappointment on the runway, and pretty disappointing on film as well. So who stays? Duh, Sandra. She will live to torture the other girls for many weeks to come! Tyra tells Isabella that she's very sweet and has potential, but needs to go home and practice.
As she packs, Isabella deals with the shame of being the first eliminated. But, she says, she's a model. And you book some jobs, and don't book others. And she didn't book this one. Or any others. Semantics! She's going to go and get signed by an agency and get her career going. She bids us adieu quickly, since we hardly knew her.
week: Aminat and Sandra battle, justifying Tyra's decision to keep Sandra in the house. And it's the makeover episode! Tears.
Discuss this episode in our forums, then see how far vloggers Val and Beth think Tyra will take gimmicky models in TV is the Answer!
Potes recapped this entire premiere, which is a triumph of the spirit in its own right. You can sympathize at potesypotes@gmail.com.