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This week's episode is all about disasters: fashion, emotional, and otherwise. Paulina meets up with the girls for a self-styling challenge, in which they have to use an assortment of binder clips and plastic water bottles and rubber bands to improve the look of ill-fitting catalog clothes. It's like MacGyver meets Newport News. Marjorie gets all freaky and nervous -- even more so than usual since a judge is around. While the other girls attribute it to a lack of confidence, Paulina explains that Europeans are just downers, and that's okay. It's cultural. She advises Marjorie to fake it. When in America, do as the happy bitches do. Samantha manages to botch the challenge again by making her clothes totally unrecognizable, and it is McKey who makes the best use of her clips and whatnots. She wins 50 extra frames at the week's photo shoot. Back at home, the girls continue to give Marjorie a hard time about being such a negative Nelly. She explains that negativity is second nature to her, as it was instilled by her parents, and that it is really "a mild form of realism." That's not the "ism" I would guess afflicts Marjorie, but I am not a trained professional. The confidence-obsessed Americans in the crowd don't buy it, and practically gang rape her. In a positive, upbeat way.
The photo shoot for the week has the girls posing as destructive giants from the 1960s replicating famous natural disasters common to L.A. Well, I guess that's about as coherent as anything else that happens on this show. There are tidal waves and rock slides and traffic jams galore. While Samantha gets the best shot of the bunch and Analeigh has another good week, some of the others are not so lucky. Joslyn continues her downward trend, while Clark's excellent shot of last week is proved to be the fluke we knew it was all along. Joslyn's personality saves her once again as Clark gets the teary boot back south.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously on ANTM: Samantha got all stripper-like at a challenge runway show, and designer Jeremy Scott became obsessed with her transgression. It proved a nice addition to his customary obsession with himself and his array of colorful vests. Hannah got the surprise mid-episode boot and no one gave even half a shit. Nigel shot the girls in the pool, but sadly not in the way where the water turns all creepy red and you have to call in Benson and Stabler. In the end, Isis was sent home, which was a relief inasmuch as it was getting kind of disheartening to see her being so sad all the time. Nine bitches remain!
It is night. The girls walk into their house and see Clark's best-of-the-week photo up on the plasma screen. She says it feels damn good, and tells us all about her meteoric rise to the top. She went balls to the wall, which actually meant going balls to balls with Nigel. Clark mockingly says to the other girls, "I don't know, it's kind of lonely being on top," which might be funny coming from someone who isn't such a wanker. Samantha, meanwhile, tells us how much it sucks to go from being called third to being in the bottom two. We relive her shaming at the hand of Jeremy Scott. Joslyn speaks for the rest of us when she tells Sam that it wasn't hoochie, she was just having fun. Sam interviews, "I'm not going to take it personal and just be total negative now." Jeremy Scott scared the adverbs right out of her, didn't he? Sam tells us that you always have to think positively. She's going to nail it, she's going to work on it, and practice makes perfect. Something tells me that Sam and I have a similar affinity for trying to beat everyone at everything. Seriously, try playing mini-golf with me or, God forbid, Cranium. It's a bad scene.
Meanwhile, Marjorie asks Analeigh if she thinks they're going to do badly tomorrow. Analeigh gets a weird look on her face. Or maybe that's just her face. I'm kind of leaning toward the latter. In any case, Analeigh says she doesn't just go around thinking negative thoughts. Marjorie asks why the fuck no one else is intimidated. She interviews that being around all these girls who spew positive mantras day after day is very foreign to her. She thinks it might be a cultural difference. Something tells me that Marjorie will be the foreign exchange student to get a scholarship to T-Zone Camp! Marjorie says that she has potential, but tends to psych herself out. But, she says, it's not abnormal to be nervous in this competition. She makes her case to Analeigh for being nervous in front of the judges and people like them who are high-profile. In their own way. They've been everywhere and seen everything. And in Miss J.'s case, she does mean everything. Analeigh says this is when Marjorie needs to get it in her head that she's one of them. Wasn't Analeigh, like, crying last week because she sucked so hard and had no self-esteem? My how the wobbly three-legged tables have turned!
There is Tyra Mail! "Just because it doesn't fit, doesn't mean you should be clothes-minded. Love, Tyra." Elina figures out that they're going to be challenged to work with clothes that don't fit. Clark agrees, and says that you work with what you've got. Which is exactly what she and her man jaw and club hand and rancid personality have been doing all these years.
The morning, Joslyn makes a phone call to her sister, Carlisia. Carlisia's voice is perhaps even squeaker than Joslyn's, and I think some sort of sociologist should rush to their ancestral home to conduct a squeak nature vs. nurture study. Joslyn explains to Carlisia that she started off strong, but now she's not doing so hot. She confessionalizes that she hasn't produced a good photo in weeks. I thought she was doing okay until last week? In any case, she's getting so frustrated with herself and her mind. She worries that the magic is gone. Carlisia tells it like it is, saying that if she doesn't have a good photo a few weeks in a row the judges might send her home because she's not improving. Joslyn says that she's trying, and Carlisia tells her to try harder. I'm totally going to have Carlisia as my backup life coach, for those moments when Tremaine is on vacation.
The girls head to a sketchy abandoned warehouse, as they are wont to do. Out of the service elevator comes Miss Paulina Porizkova, wearing a truly unfortunate suit. Oh, I really don't like seeing her this way! Clark tells us that she thought Paulina could rock anything, but this particular outfit was too much even for a supermodel. Paulina welcomes the girls to reality, and says that if they're lucky enough to be working models, 90% of the time they'll be doing catalogue. And in catalogue, you have to wear truly hideous clothes and make them look good. She tells them to look around, and they might find things that will help them to make hideous clothes look a little better - things such as shoulder pads and water bottles and duct tape. She tells the girls to change into their hardhats and tool belts, as you do. She's going to change into something a little more tolerable, and then she'll meet them upstairs.
Once the girls head upstairs, Paulina - in a tank top and jeans that are indeed much more tolerable - tells the girls that they're taking part in a self-styling challenge. They have five minutes to get into whatever hideous outfit has been assigned to them and use implements from their tool belt and elsewhere to make said hideous outfit fit better. And then Paulina shall evaluate them. The girls begin, and it looks like the binder clip is the tool of choice in many cases. Yet another reason to steal office supplies! As if you needed one. Paulina tells Marjorie that her pants are truly awful, and she's going to have to work them. We cut to a Marjorie confessional, in which she says it's very hard for her to see the judges as people she can talk to. Thus, it's hard for her to act normally. You know, like she does all the time in every other situation. The girls have a few minutes left and Paulina tells them to be aware of the range of motion they'll have if they stick three water bottles in the back of their pants. Good advice, good advice. We see Sam taking a shirt that's too large in the bust area and twisting the front to create a cool texture. She tells us it looks awesome. What Sam should really do with every challenge is think, "What would Jeremy Scott say if I did this with his clothing?" But we'll get to that momentarily.
Paulina evaluates the girls. Analeigh did a fine job with her dress. Paulina claps at McKey's binder-clipping skills. Clark's outfit is a little too baggy for Paulina's taste, but Clark tells us that she's trying to appeal to the 60-year-old crowd. Joslyn and Lauren Brie both do okay. Sheena looks like she works at Home Depot. Elina, who seems to be managing her crazy hair pretty well, tucked in a shirt that should not be tucked, thus obscuring the whole point of it. Samantha made her outfit look totally different - her shorts are shorter in addition to her shirt being twisty at the top - and so anyone who ordered these clothes from Newport News would be pretty disappointed when they actually came in the mail. Sam interviews that this was more of a learning experience for her than a challenge. Okay, then. And then there's Marjorie. She didn't attempt to make her pants look good, and that was a mistake, says Paulina. Marjorie, as you might imagine, is mad at herself and starting to get a little nervous. Paulina begins to speak about who did the best job, but has to interrupt herself to note that Marjorie looks like she's about to throw up. She asks Marjorie if she's okay. The answer to that question is always no, I think. We cut to commercials.
When we return, Marjorie can't even answer Paulina's question of what is wrong with her. The other girls interject and say she's not always like this, and that it's just nerves. Joslyn narrates the whole thing for us as such: "Paulina just walks up to Marjorie. Marjorie just boo hoos all of a sudden and I'm like, 'did she pinch you?!? What happened!?!'" Giving Marjorie a fierce pinch would have been a total Janice Dickinson move. Can you even IMAGINE Marjorie with Janice? Marjorie finally explains to Paulina that she's out of her comfort zone, and as such has a rejection impulse. And then just when you expect her to tell a bitch to toughen up, Paulina actually says that she does the same thing too, and it's a form of self-protection. She thinks that everyone is going to reject her anyway, so she might as well beat them to the punch. Sheena jumps in to say that it comes down to self-esteem, but Pauina emphatically disagrees. She says it's a very socially acceptable way to be in Europe. So all those people looking snooty in berets in sidewalk café aren't judging you, but rather beating up on themselves? This opens up a whole new world!
Marjorie confessionalizes that Paulina explained this whole thing so well, and adds that the European mentality is not a positive one, particularly according to American terms. The Europeans totally don't want you to eat your Wheaties, but rather enjoy some dirt and ruins for breakfast. In any case, Marjorie really identifies with Paulina. Paulina tells Marjorie that the way that they were brought up doesn't quite cut it here, and gives her the stellar advice, "Fake it." Or to paraphrase Miss J., fake it till you make it or the judges won't take it. Now I understand why Paulina seems so off when she's trying to be enthusiastic about the various challenges on this show -- including this one -- in which she's forced to participate. American Girl Samantha feels no sympathy, and could care less what Europeans think. She says that Marjorie is a baby and has no choice but to come out of her shell. Welcome to America. Don't you feel like Samantha should always be carrying, like, a field hockey stick? And a can of Red Bull? And a sign that reads, "Psychiatric advice: 5 cents"?
Okay, but back to the challenge. Paulina sums up the world of modeling thusly, "Your job consists of having hideous clothes and trying to make them look better." Kick ass. The winner of this challenge will get 50 extra frames on her photo shoot, which is of course a big advantage. First, however, Paulina is going to tell the girls who did the worst. It's Sam, who botched her outfit beyond repair. Sam, being a true American, is no baby about this. She just shrugs her shoulders and moves on. The winner of the challenge is McKey. She's stoked, and thinks this will help her be more creative in her shoots. I don't know that there are as many opportunities to put cans in your butt as she thinks, but we'll see.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. "Are you a force of nature, a devastating beauty, or a total disaster? Love, Tyra." The girls all think that their shoot is going to have something to do with natural disasters. Most of the girls - the American girls, I should say - are quite excited and Joslyn in particular says it sounds really cool and different. Marjorie, however, looks nervous. She interviews that it's an interesting concept, but sounds difficult to express. She pensively says, "I don't know what a natural disaster...really looks like." Girl, turn on the Weather Channel once in a while.
Meanwhile, still at the house, the girls all sit around and listen to Marjorie drone on and on with her standard European negativity. She says that standing in front of Paulina was intimidating, and she got flustered and crashed. Sam rolls her eyes, and the other girls engage in a chorus of positivity. If only Hannah were there to tell her to pick up her beans and keep on rolling. Marjorie says that she has no reason to feel good about it. Joslyn interviews about "poor Marjorie," saying that she has had a tough week. She adds that knowing Marjorie's nerves, she's probably had several tough weeks. And then she cracks up. I think Joslyn has enough positive energy for her and Marjorie and all of Europe, so let's just call it even and move on. Oh, but no. Marjorie says that she started off as the weakest. This is totally not true, and even Analeigh starts to get annoyed. She tells Marjorie that that's all in her head. Marjorie argues that it isn't and says that on the last shoot her film was messy and disappointing. We cut to an interview with Marjorie, in which she says that her parents were raised in France, and always focused on the negative. So to her it's just second nature, she says, and it feels like "a mild form of realism." I think that Marjorie can be as negative as she wants, but I can see how it would get annoying. A punch in the throat is also a mild form of realism, which she may soon discover.
Sam cuts to the quick and asks Marjorie whether she even wants to be on America's Top Model. Marjorie gets all offended and weird and says that if she didn't want to be there she wouldn't be stressing about it so much. Yes she would. She probably stresses when her sandwich from Café La France has too much Dijon mustard on it. Marjorie tells the other girls that no matter how much she and Paulina explain the European negativity gene to them, it isn't processed. She didn't choose to be this way, she was born this way! Also, she just kind of called the other girls thick-headed. Which, point taken. Sam proves Marjorie correct by saying, "Where's your confidence, girl?" Marjorie's lack of confidence is getting on her nerves. Marjorie asks Sam if she's completely disregarding the point that she's making. Sam says she is, and Marjorie gets frustrated anew. Clark interviews that if Marjorie can pull her confidence together she can do better, but if you don't believe in yourself, how is anybody else going to believe in you? Wow, all of these confidence mantras really ARE annoying. Do we as a culture have Oprah to blame for this? I think maybe. Work on feeling bad about yourself as we head to commercials.
When we return, the girls head to a place called Siren City for their shoot, and they see a little mock city set. Suddenly the lights go off and a monster with dreadlocks emerges on the set. It's Jay. The girls freak out, but frankly I think it's nice to see him in something closer to his own skin tone. He explains to the girls that today they're going to be destructive giants. This is another shoot that Tyra concocted from her own experiences. The girls will pose on the tiny city set and will be replicating L.A. disasters. Which one gets to be Heather Locklear? Jay tells the girls that it's very important to "come through" in a photograph, and that they should be able to wear any amount of hair, wardrobe and makeup and still make an impact. Have I mentioned that he's still in his monster costume as he says this? Yeah. Sometimes I think that if aliens came to earth and happened to see this show they'd just go right back home and leave us unharmed. The photographer for the day is Brian Edwards. Back in hair and makeup, Christian Marc, who himself must be an awful negative Nelly, tells the girls that they'll be done up in mod 60's hair and fashion. Well, the 1960's were the age of destructive giants being implicated in natural disasters, so this makes total sense. I am actually insanely jealous of the hair, wardrobe and makeup in this shoot.
Elina is up first. She's an earthquake, and is quite happy about it because it's such a passionate and angry type of natural disaster. She thinks she'll do well. On set, Jay has to tell her to do something that's not so controlled. For her last frame she punches the road, and he seems surprised when he says it's not that bad. Sheena is as a sandstorm. "Y'all ready to get dirty?" she asks. And yet Jay doesn't have to scream "hoochie" even once! Methinks Sheena is improving. Jay tells her that she gave him a lot of variety, and he can't ask for more. Clark is up . She says that she's feeling confident, especially after being called first last week. We'll see where that Southern-style confidence gets her. Clark is a blackout. Jay just kind of shakes his head, then tells her that she's not committing to it 100%. He also tells her that what she's doing is not pretty. Jay notes that Clark didn't bring the energy that she needed onto set. He'd rather a girl have too much energy and pull it back than to have to pull energy out of a girl. Clark stumbles off on her giant wedge heels.
Lauren Brie is a snowstorm. Jay tells her that she's throwing the snow and then posing, when the snow should be part of the shot. She makes some adjustments and Jay makes no more comments. Joslyn is as a rock slide. She says that last week she kind of stunk, so this week she's trying to bring a different sort of versatility. Jay explains that being a rockslide sometimes means that you look like you're going to throw a rock. He interviews that last week was Joslyn's worst shoot to date, and it doesn't seem like she's come back to life. Jay tells her that she needs to go back to where she was on the first photo shoots and be more creative. Joslyn worries that Jay thinks she's not improving, but tells us that she's really trying her hardest. Analeigh is as the Santa Ana winds. She gets compliments from everyone on set, and at the end of the shoot Jay tells her that she did a good job. McKey is in a super short dress that Anda and Masha tell her not to bend down in. She gives them a little butt in the face for giggles. McKey, of course, will have the extra 50 frames from her challenge to use as she portrays a heat wave. Jay exclaims, "Well! We finally have a model show up to set." McKey thinks that Jay responded positively to the way she interacted with the set. Indeed, Jay says that McKey was amazing and didn't even need the extra frames.
up is Samantha, who is a tidal wave. She reminds us with her typical positivity that last week she was in the bottom two, but she's still here and about to rock a photo shoot. Jay loves the energy that Samantha brings to set, and says that she was both thoughtful and creative. Sam is excited to be at this stage of the competition, and says that you have to have fun and be competitive and be confident. And speaking of Marjorie, she's and will be portraying a traffic jam. She's posing like a broken Barbie doll at first, which Jay says is not pretty. Her face really looks amazing though. Jay has to get up and move her into some different positions. He says he felt like a puppeteer, and it's not his job to get up on set and put a model into position so she gets a good shot. Since he brought up the topic...what is his job, anyway? At the end of the shoot, Jay tells Marjorie that she looked really good in the end, but he had to spoon-feed her to get there. Marjorie interviews that she felt like a fool, and then goes backstage and sulks. Sam tries to talk Marjorie up by saying that she has amazing pictures, but Marjorie's European armor of negativity deflects every compliment. She feels very deflated, she says, and adds that it's too bad she failed as we head to commercials.
When we return, Clark and Lauren Brie cuddle to each other in bed and decide that they're probably not going home this week. Clark confessionalizes that she's number one in this competition, as evidenced by her totally permanent digital photo on the plasma screen. It's called an off button, and Clark is its victim. Joslyn, however, is feeling nervous. She tells us that she started so high in the competition, but is slowly sinking to the bottom. Sam has confidence in herself and doesn't think that she's going home this week, but says that at the same time the judges are unpredictable and so you never know.
We enter panel with Tyra posing for her photo shoot as the natural disaster of tacky oversized sequins. First they blind you, then they cause you to catch on fire. Tyra welcomes the girls by ominously saying, "And then there were nine." And then she acts like a complete 'tard as she introduces the prizes and the judges. I guess she has to keep it fresh somehow now that the trannie has gotten the boot. Photographer Brian Edwards is the guest judge. Tyra apparently found him when she was hanging around Elite and discovered some "amazing" photos that he shot of Jaslene. I hope for his sake that he's not a permanent member of the Top Model fold. Two tons of ribs is no price to pay for your soul.
Marjorie is up first for evaluation. Paulina loves her traffic jam photo, and says it's very fun. She notes that Marjorie is very shy, and has something tremendously large to prove. Marjorie says that she thinks it's important to be vulnerable in life, and so is trying something at which she's not naturally apt. Nigel likes the photo as well, and says that it all works. Tyra thinks that Marjorie was "pretty" for too long - and we all know that this is the dirtiest insult one could get on this show - but eventually she got to some good shots. Tyra wants to see her taking more chances. Lauren Brie's snowstorm is . Brian notes that she tended to be a bit pose-y in her shoot. Paulina says that because Lauren Brie is so used to taking pretty pictures, she thinks she doesn't have to do as much. However, she actually has to do more now to reach the level. Tyra reports Mr. Jay's critique that Lauren Brie was stiff and needed to let go. I think they just don't want to make it seem like Lauren Brie is wiping the floor with her competition so they have to throw in some negative remarks for a couple of weeks.
Samantha's tidal wave shot is , and Miss J. loves her body and her face. The other judges agree. Nigel says that Sam contorted her body and made it work, which means she can model. Clark's blackout photo is . Tyra says that Clark got stuck on pretty, and wasn't thinking about being a blackout at all. Paulina thinks that Clark looks too into her own legs. Jay reported that Clark wasn't committing 100%, which is like the second deadly sin after resting on pretty. Elina's earthquake is . Paulina really likes her face, saying she looks intense and slightly mean but also beautiful. Tyra tells her that this is the definition of "ugly pretty," which is something we should all aspire too.
we have Sheena, whose panel outfit is busted. The judges tell her so in quick order. However, her sandstorm photo gets a positive review. Nigel says that she's having fun with it and he likes it. Brian tells Sheena that her energy would come and go, and she should try to keep it consistent throughout a shoot. Analeigh is as the Santa Ana Winds. Nigel isn't blown away by the photo (punny!) but says that it's cute. Her face, however, could pack a bit more punch. Paulina, however is a big fan. Miss J. agrees with Nigel and says that Analeigh could give a little extra in the face. Tyra tells Analeigh that her film this week was fantastic, yo.
Joslyn's rock slide photo is . Miss J. notes that Joslyn seems to be slipping, and not because she has a rock under her foot. He doesn't see the energy that she used to bring. Brian chimes in and says it was a real struggle to do this shot. Nigel agrees that Joslyn is now a mess and needs to reach back and find the energy and fire she brought to her shots during the first weeks. Then there's heat wave McKey, who is wearing a pair of high waisted jeans that are so ugly they look as if Kenley designed them. McKey gets my vote for an appearance on What Not To Wear. Nigel, who is awfully salty this week, says that McKey could have done a lot more with the photo. Tyra really likes it, but says that McKey could have been more extreme in her portrayed heat fatigue. She needs to remember the theme and tell the story.
Tyra is so fucking over this shit that she mocks the contestants as she tells them one of them will be leaving and does a little dance to lead us into the judges' deliberation. Marjorie has taken direction and gotten less twitchy, but might have lost some of herself in the process, according to Nigel. Paulina says that Marjorie has improved on a weekly basis. She adds that it takes a bit of time to assimilate. Like the ten years in which Marjorie has been living in the U.S.? Paulina acts like she just stepped off of the boat. Nigel notes that Paulina jumps to Marjorie's defense every week and Paulina just says, "I do." I kind of love that. Lauren Brie is pretty but cheesy. Sam's photo is gorgeous, even if she's a ham. And ham rhymes with Sam, in your pie hole you can cram a rack of lamb. Damn. Clark kind of sucks this week. Tyra says that she's a mediocre kind of good, which cannot be construed as a compliment. Elina has a strong face but could do so much better if she would just let go. Sheena's picture, and Sheena herself, are sparky and spunky and spicy according to Nigel. Paulina agrees in terms of Sheena's personality, but says this has no bearing on her looks. Paulina is also concerned that Analeigh is not photogenic. Joslyn's inner fug is shining through, even if the judges do enjoy her personality. Tyra thinks that Joslyn has potential, but Paulina points out that her good early pictures all featured the same darn pose. McKey could be meltier, like so many half-cooked grilled cheese sandwiches. And with that, the judges have reached a decision.
Nine beautiful ladies stand before Tyra, but she only has eight photos. And the first photo, which is the best for the week, belongs to Samantha. She looks especially like a cockatiel as she goes to collect her photo. Tyra then calls Analeigh, McKey, Elina, Marjorie, Lauren Brie and Sheena. This of course leaves Clark and Joslyn in the bottom two. Joslyn's strong start has drizzled away and the judges wonder if she's losing her fire. Clark's photos are good but not fantastic, and plus she sucks as a human being. That last part might be me editorializing. In the end Joslyn's personality saves her for another week and it's Clark who is sent home. Clark starts crying like the whiny bitch that she is and Tyra totally doesn't care. In her exit interview, Clark continues to cry. She can't believe she's leaving, but at the same time feels blessed to have gotten this opportunity, thanks to the bitch face she put on during casting. This has been the best experience of her life, she says, and she'd give up anything to do it again. I wouldn't speak so loudly, Clark - Tyra's shoe closet is littered with the firstborns of wannabe models.
week: Signature posing class with Tyra, and Elina is forced to cry real tears!
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