Okay, so some of the novelty has worn off now that we've been through the speed round version of Britain's Top ModelI. But still... British accents! Girls throwing paint on each other! Etc.!!! A slightly different British voice than we heard previously tells us yet again that, after Tyra Banks revolutionized America with her vision of bringing scantily clad immature bitches to the masses, France, Germany, Russia, and many other countries followed suit. It's like world peace, but skankier. And now, another group of British girls will be competing for the chance of a lifetime. The first time around, a "shy girl" named Lucy was thrust into superstardom. Or whatever happens when you win BNTM. Mild and brief notoriety, maybe? Now it's round two, and for these girls, we are told, the ups will be higher, and the downs will be unbearable. It's manic depression on a reality show scale! I like it. And in the end, one girl will have her dream come true. If her dream involves walking through the street and then realizing that she is in her underwear. In fact, that dream will come true in recurring fashion. Na na na na na na! We are in London! Home of Big Ben, Bobbies, and that freaky inbred royal family we all love so much. We first meet Asha, 20, from York, who says that she's going to be Britain's Top Model. Um, I don't think so. Then there's Georgina, 19, who is from wherever pretty people are from. Seriously, she's stunning. Then there's Abigail, 20, from Liverpool. She says that she's a singer, but a lot of people have told her that she should do modeling. Given her rack, I think they probably mean "modeling." But anyway, then there is Sophia, 20, from Hartfordshire, who looks like the love child of Celine Dion and Jewel. It's like squeaking Canadian snaggletooth, you know? Then there's Amber, 19, from Cardiff, who is also really pretty. What is with these girls actually looking kind of like models? It seems so strange and foreign! There's Sarah, 21, from London, and Lianna, 18, from Darby. Lianna looks kind of like Yoanna and says that she thinks modeling is something that she should do before she starts her career with the police force. Of course it is. Catwalking 101 is the first course you have to take in the police academy. "Look fierce while you're swinging your bobby stick!" Then we get Nina, 23, from Cambridge, and a possibly albino Lucy, 24, from Sheffield. She looks a little like Anne Heche. And then let's not forget Yvette, 19, from West Sussex, and Tamar, 23, from Kent. Tamar is kind of scary looking. She says that she's had a burning desire inside her since before she could remember. Maybe that was the croup. There is also Jasmia, 18, who really wants to be Britain's Top Model. She feels that she's got a lot to offer, and a little bit of spice. And also, oral herpes. Seriously, what is that on her lip? She adds that there are not a lot of mixed race models out there. And not a lot of models with herpes. Actually, that's probably not true. There is also Sam, 20, who says that she has a Madonna-style gap in her tooth and quite big, buggy eyes. Well, if that isn't enough to recommend her as the world's great beauty, I don't know what is.
British voice tells us that it's time for everyone to get introduced, and then get to work. And as it turns out, it is a different British voice than last time. Meet Lisa Snowdon, She Who Hath Banged George Clooney. I mean, you have to give it up to her for that. I think she's not quite as hot as Lisa Butcher, but what can you do? She has experienced L'Eau de Cloon. She is someone for us all to look up to. Lisa introduces the girls to the judges: former top model Paula Hamilton (what, Marie Helvin and Tom Selleck were reunited and it felt too good for her to come back for Season 2?) and Jonathan Phang, whom we've met before. The girls' first test promises to be "revealing." Yes, that's right, they're wearing underwear! In some sort of runway show with an actual audience in attendance. All right! The underwear is Jockey-esque, and most of the girls actually look somewhat okay. There is pixilated ass, which is the first indicator of quality programming. After they're done with the underwear, the girls get to model actual clothes. That's a novel idea. The clothes are kind of cute, too. Lisa tells us that the girls seemed pleased with themselves after the show, so it was time for a reality check, compliments of her and the other judges. Lisa tells Abigail that she was too much sex on a stick. Jonathan tells Asha that she made a huge dramatic gesture when she walked on the runway, but then didn't follow through with it. Which I think it was a good thing, because it looked stupid to begin with. Samantha has amazing eyes, says Paula, but overused them by looking all around. Lisa notes to the girls that it's not as easy as it looks, and they agree. It is then time for the girls to explore their glamorous new digs. Hey, treadmills! And alcohol! And bathrobes! And boxing gloves! I like the looks of this place. Sooner than you can say Camilla Parker Bowles, it's time for the girls' first photo shoot. They get to hit the slopes -- an indoor ski slope, that is -- where they suit up in bikinis. Stylist Hilary Alexander, who I totally want to have a beer with, by the way, is there to tell them that bikinis in the snow and fur coats when it's 35 degrees (Celsius!) in the shade -- that's fashion! She checks out Tamar's ass and notes that she's worried about Lianna because of her teeth. The photographer notes that her jaw is a problem as well. Lisa tells us that rule number one of a sexy bikini shoot is to be careful not to overdo it. With this, the photographer yells, "Don't open it so much!" to Abigail. I wish we could take up a world-wide collection to have him follow Britney Spears around and just yell that at her all day. Rule number two, which Yvette demonstrates, is that you have to be careful not to underdo it. The photographer thinks she looks like a frightened rabbit. In a bikini, to a snowboard. That's something that I really don't want to ever see.
Back at home, some of the other girls call out Sophia and Abigail for being cliquey. Lianna says that she doesn't want to be in their "it crowd," and later notes that she can't stand Sophia. Jasmia says that there are going to be groups and to leave it, but then interviews later that she wouldn't mind it if Sophia or Abigail went. With this, the girls head to their first panel. Lisa runs down the prizes: a contract with Models 1 and a six-page spread plus the front cover of Company Magazine. I assume that this isn't a magazine, like, about companies. Or entertaining company or something. Who knows, though? In any case, the girls seem very excited about it. Lianna gets a mixed review on her bikini photo. Jasmia looked like a young girl dressing up in her mothers' clothes in the runway show. The photographer hates the whole look of Yvette's photo and everything about it, and he shot it, so that's saying something. In the end, Yvette and Jasmia are the final two and Yvette gets canned. She looks kind of pretty as she leaves. Asha says that she felt sorry for Yvette, but also not sorry, because she didn't want to get eliminated either. Yvette says that she's going to go home for a rest for a few days, and then get a portfolio done and go out and prove everyone wrong. Oh, please. She'll just end up on the Island of Misfit Models with the rest of them. Commercials. When we return, Lisa tells us that the day posed two challenges: look good in a trash bag (ha!) and learn to deal with distractions on the catwalk. So the girls outfit themselves in garbage bags and walk dogs down some sort of makeshift runway on a track. You know what there are a lot of in this scene? Bitches. And also pixilated bits! Apparently, it was a very windy day, and to have clean lines on your garbage dress you must forego underwear entirely. Abigail's dog is apparently particularly unruly. She says that she let herself down because she wasn't focused enough. Some girls do better than others, and mostly it's dependent on how good the dogs are, or not. I like to think that the dogs' animal instincts have led them to sabotage the nasty ones. , it's time for a really hot, '40s inspired butch/femme shoot. Two girls pose together, one in a suit and another in a gown. First there's Tamar and Sophia, who do very well. Then there's Lucy and Georgina, who get some good feedback. Jasmia and Amber also seem to get good feedback, and then there's Sam, Asha and Sarah. Wait, who's Sam with? Maybe she's by herself. Lianna says that she wanted to be with Nina because she thought she'd help her. But, in fact, Nina did not help her, and Lianna seems incensed that Nina sees this whole thing as a full-on competition. I might make that same assumption, given that it's a modeling COMPETITION. Dumb ass. Nina also appears to be topless. Woo!
After the photo shoot, it was time for makeovers! Lisa meets the girls and introduces them to the stylist. Nothing really radical seems to happen, except that Tamar is going from blonde to chocolate brown. She says that she is shocked. However, as Lisa points out, none of the girls has a choice in their makeovers, and before they know it, they are totally transformed! Or, in most cases, barely transformed. You know, same thing. Lianna tells us that Sophia didn't like her cut or color, and that she felt like a 50 year old woman whose marriage is failing, thus prompting her to get a makeover. Actually, that's a pretty accurate assessment. As she's crying, Sophia tries to convince Lisa that she really likes the cut and color, but just has to get used to it. For my money, the best makeover is Sam, who goes from boring blonde to an angular red cut. Everyone else seriously looks the same. Or, like, maybe they've had their hair blown out for the prom at the salon where their cousin works. Also, it appears that Jasmia's previously-believed herpe is actually a mole. Is herpe (singular) a word? It sounds kind of weird. Come to think of it, can you have just one herpe? Note that if you email me an answer with some sort of first-hand knowledge about this issue, I'll probably think less of you. Then, it's time for panel. Lisa is wearing a gorgeous dress, and the whole thing makes me wish that Tyra wore normal clothes once in a while. Sam tells the judges that she loves her hair. Her photo is awesome, too. Nina's photo isn't sensual enough and is too aggressive. She looks gross. Lianna also looks bad and bland, with no expression in her eyes. Paula tells Lianna that she had better cheer up, or she's going to get "b.f.h." A big fucking heave-ho? A bum fart heiney? Burned fingers on her hands? Paula thankfully clarifies that she means "bus fare home." Well, that's pretty unexciting considering the alternatives. I should note that Paula is totally the Janice Dickinson figure of the panel, what with her long struggle with drink and drugs, the fact that her biological father was killed with a pick axe handle (!), and the fact that she once turned up an hour late for a shoot in New York covered in oil and grime, and gave the excuse that she had been kidnapped the night before by two men in a limo but couldn't remember anything more. You have to admit that that's pretty bad-ass. It's no falling off of the runway and into Sophia Loren's lap, but it's somewhere on the continuum. Nina and Lianna are in the bottom two, with Nina getting the Big Fucking Heave-Ho, even though Lianna thought she was a goner. Nina tells us that she knows she's better than this, and thinks it's ridiculous that she's out second. She does have really cool hair. But, much like love, sometimes that just ain't enough.
, more swimsuits! The girls are shooting a perfume commercial that involves bikinis, boys, and speaking French. The girls have to go underwater and then emerge, saying, "I've waited all my life for you," first in English, then in French, and then kiss a dude. Lisa tells us that it's "an erotic pool shoot." I have to confess that I don't find pools erotic at all. I can't get over the chlorine stench. How is that supposed to make you feel sexy? Your eyes are all red and you have flashbacks to swimming lessons at the Y and the fear that you are, in fact, swimming amidst the urine of others. Which is a fear rooted in reality, quite frankly. Hott. Anyway, Abigail, the aforementioned "too much sex on a stick," dives right in and goes for the snogging full-force. Tamar, however, is a bit waterlogged. She coughs. Then bug-eyed Sam spits out water and resembles nothing so much as a crack whore. Who knows, maybe that's the look she's going for? When it's Lianna's turn, she confesses that the male model stuck his tongue in her mouth, and that it was horrible. Lianna, how are you going to be an officer of the law with an attitude like that? Albino Lucy looks hideous and gives the most chaste kiss known to man. She also looks like she has no teeth. Pretty. Casting director Beth Clarkham tells her that it was not good at all, and was totally unnatural. Lucy tells us that the whole thing was a nightmare and she hopes she'll never have to do that again. When it's time for the critique, Amber is told to never go for a commercial to do with swimming. Hee! Then casting director Beth tells Lucy that she doesn't know what she's doing there, and adds that she doesn't seem to be thinking about anything. Outside, Lucy and Amber comfort each other. Lucy actually says, "Give me a cuddle," and the two hug as soft music plays. Oooh la la! Maybe pools are romantic after all. After the shoot, Lianna uses her tongue again... this time to lash out at Abigail. In the limo on the way home, she says that there's a thin line between a bloody porn film and a bloody perfume advert, and Abigail crossed that line. She adds, "Shoving your boobs in a man's face will not sell perfume." Except to that man. And then you'll have new perfume! Stop being such a downer, Officer O'Prudenham, and use your boobs the way God intended them. To get stuff. , there is a photo shoot with a surprise burlesque theme. Hilary tells them that burlesque means sexy, fun, sensual, strutty, and fabulous, but they don't want sluts. Abigail is saddened by this news. The girls get outfitted, and Hilary takes delight in pulling their corset ties ever tighter. Sarah gets some good feedback, but photographer Mike Owen says that Georgina has bad skin, and also very large bags under her eyes, "which isn't going to help her, poor thing." When you add, "Poor thing," after an insult, it makes it seem doubly cutting for some reason. Asha appears to have her boobs out. British TV is the best. Hilary says that Asha disappointed her, because she has one of the most gorgeous smiles that God has ever given a girl. However, when it comes to her eyes, the lights are on but there's nobody home. She does look kind of dumb, I have to say. Lianna followed direction well, says Mike, but she needs to work out. He adds that a lot of the girls could stand going to the gym once in a while. Tyra.
And then, there is an elimination. Sophia is looking down her nose, says Paula, which is a useless thing for an unknown model. Asha's commercial gets a laugh for her smooshy sidemouth kiss with the male model, and Jonathan tells her that her pose is undignified and unfeminine. Amber's beauty will not get her through, says Paula. It's what goes with it. She's not a look, she's not a face, she's the whole package. Or IS she? Asha and Amber step forward, and Asha gets sent home. She tells us that she's gobsmacked and sad, but there's nothing she can do. Maybe try being a better model. Commercials. The day, the girls have to do a commercial photo shoot, and this time the client has very definite ideas about how to sell soft drinks. Oh, don't tell me they have to fellate a can of Coke, now. British advertising, man. Casting director Jonathan Clayton tells the girls that they'll be jumping on a trampoline and trying to reach for a diamond in the sky while holding a bottle of the product. Well, clearly. I mean, what else would they be doing? And do you know what short skirts and trampolines mean for us at home? Yes, that's right! Pixilated bits! Lucy is first to go, and there is mad pixilation. Someone yells that they want the money shot. I should say. Lianna tells us that she got very nervous while jumping on the trampoline, and thus got very clammy and blotchy. Pretty! Meanwhile, Jasmia overcame her stiffness, and the photographers liked what they saw. Namely, her cooter. The day's ups and downs continued at the house, where the tension of the competition is starting to manifest itself in bitchery. Sam tells us that she thought a lot of it was aimed at her. It certainly seems that way, as Sarah tells her that she is irritating. And also quite bug-eyed. Then, the focus shifted to Lianna. Sophia (or maybe Tamar?) yells out emotionally that Lianna said that she would pick her to go home, and it broke Sophia's (or Tamar's) heart. Oh, shut up, Sophia. Or Tamar. Lianna denies that she said this, but S/T says that she did. Lianna calls her boyfriend for some support and sympathy. He asks what's wrong, and she says, "Bitches. Complete bitches." Seriously, are there three more accurate words in the English language? Though I have to say that the girls of BNTM Season 2 are letting me down a little bit. The first season's bitches were ever more delightful. And then, it's time for the judges to come out swinging at the girls, too. Lisa again is dressed well. Go, Lisa! Lianna gets raves on her trampoline photo, though Lisa says that she walked in all stiff and awkward and uncomfortable and the client was loathe to believe that it was the same girl. Tamar's photo gets mixed reviews, but it doesn't seem like Lisa likes her face at all. And then Lucy's photo just sucks. She looks like the Pillsbury Doughboy. She is not a pretty girl. She ends up in the final two with Tamar, and Lisa says that they've opted to go for versatility, so Tamar gets to stay. Lucy says that the main thing is that she experienced the competition for three weeks, so she feels lucky for that. Yawn.
, Lisa tells us that sleep was not on the agenda for the girls on one certain fateful night. But you know what is? The local mausoleum. O... kay. Hilary meets them there and shows the girls some ornate necklace, and then tells them that they're going to be gothic brides. Well, you knew the gothic slash ghost bride would have to make an appearance at some point, did you not? I mean, it's the hallmark of modern fashion. The girls are all excited, but Hilary quells their enthusiasm by asking Julian Marshall, the photographer, to tell them exactly what he wants of them. He says that the girls will have to shoot in a freezing cold crypt. With dead people! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! He says that there will be a lot of drama, and Hilary adds that there will be a lot of gothic horror. Okay, they kind of won me over with this one. I think posing with dead bodies is pretty bad-ass. Except I don't actually see any dead people! Booooo! Nonetheless, the whole thing is sort of creepy and weird, though, as underscored by the black and red dresses, freaky makeup, and Gregorian chants playing throughout the shoot. Tamar seems to do pretty well, while Hilary has to tell Amber not to be afraid to look strange. Abigail is told to be quite dramatic, and Julian says that she's too doll-like and needs to be more angular. Sam gets some good feedback. Hilary tells Sophia that she's not Sophia anymore and has to act like she's fed up with the world. She loses patience a bit, and tells Sophia to go crazy. Sophia pulls her hair. When it's Lianna's turn, she gets raves. She has the face for a gothic bride, really. And then, "After a long night at the mausoleum, the girls need to let off some steam." HA! I mean, clearly. They go out to a club, where Sarah says that everyone was itching to let loose. There is dancing and drinking and fraternizing with the opposite sex. You know what that means! Yes, that's right: babies. And Satanism. England is a hotbed of both. Lisa says that the night out was just what the girls needed to take the edge off of the competition, but Tamar's drinking caused her some problems the day at panel. Lisa says to Tamar that a little bird told her that she wasn't doing so well last night. "A little bird" called the camera crew, I'm guessing. Tamar laughs and says that she was a little sick. Lisa says that's a sign of a good night out. Tamar laughs some more and says that she thinks she still has some alcohol in her system, and that's what's keeping her going. Paula, having been sober for I guess about three days, then becomes the biggest buzzkill ever as she says that that's not fun or funny or okay in this competition. Yes it is! I mean, at the very least it's funny for us at home. She says that Tamar knew she'd be standing in front of the panel, and yet she's hungover. Okay, but who hasn't gone to work with a hangover at one point or another? Paula is being kind of annoying. Lisa is all, "You should try hanging with The Cloon!"
Abigail also has some problems, but they are all picture-related. She tells the judges that the photographer told her to look like a porcelain doll, but Paula is not buying it. She says that Abigail needs to put her excuse bucket somewhere else, and then asks if Abigail reads her. When Abigail says yes, Paula replies, "Cool bananas." What the fuck is wrong with Paula? She's like Janice without the painkillers. That's no fun. Sophia likes her facial expression, but Paula tells her that she looks absolutely demented. Hee! Okay, I like Paula again. In any case, Sophia and Abigail end up in the final two, with Sophia going home. She says that she knew it would be her going home, but even though it's not a shock, it's very upsetting. Oh, don't cry, Sophia! We've already forgotten that you were in the competition, and you should too! Commercials. When we return, eight girls remain. The competition is thinning, while the makeup is getting thicker. Jonathan meets them to tell them that they'll be doing a beauty shot with heavy metallic metal paint. Good times! Abigail is upset, both because her good friend Sophia is gone, but also because she could have gone home as well. She tells everyone that she's going to have a good shoot this week because she was awful last week. Jonathan says that Abigail took the judges' comments about being cheesy and carried off the shoot quite well. He's slightly worried about Sarah, though, for reasons of lack of personality. He says that they're halfway through, and asks when the penny is going to drop. Right after the ha'penny does, I'm sure. The girls then have to be interviewed by radio personality Toby Anstis and learn how to answer embarrassing questions. Amber is asked what the naughtiest thing she's ever done is, and she comes clean about the fact that she was a pole dancer. Woo! Toby says that she handled herself quite well in the situation. Toby asks the girls who they'd like to see kicked off , and a whole bunch of people say Sam. He mentions this to Sam, who plays it off in a kind of, "Eh, well, it's a competition," sort of way. Sam, however, would like to see Lianna go , because she's draining and very negative. Some other folks agree with this and note that Lianna's irritating. Toby notes to Lianna that she's rubbing some of the girls the wrong way, and Lianna intimates that getting on each others' nerves is sort of a universal phenomenon, and she doesn't think that she should be singled out for it. Toby thinks that Lianna has a good attitude and also quite a striking look, and says that maybe the other girls have a problem with her because she's the biggest threat. Jealous bitches rise up singing!
Now that they've vented in the studio, it's time for the bitchery to come back home. Tamar says that they all decided that they had to talk and ease the awful atmosphere in the house. Well that sounds mature and un-fun! But as with this kind of thing Stateside, you can be sure that it will devolve into at least a little nastiness. Ah, comfort. Abigail confronts Lianna and says that she's been getting digs in at people all week, and Lianna's comeback is that she's temperamental and she knows that. She says that it's hard for people to come in the house and get on with that. In the end, apologies are offered, but resentments linger. Can't there be some sort of physical manifestation of the lingering resentments, like a bikini-clad Jello fight? At panel, Abigail gets some good marks on her photo, thus redeeming her performance from the week. Even dodgy Paula likes it. The judges note that she's a bit emotional, and Abigail says it's the result of some stuff happening in the house. Paula tells her to shake it off, because this is a competition. Seriously, put on a game face. Lisa asks Lianna what the situation is with her and Abigail, and Lianna says that they just had a discussion. Lisa asks if she's having a difficult time in the house, and Lianna says that she doesn't know how she feels. Paula tells her to pull down her "[beep] shield." Bitch shield? Fuck you shield? Some kind of shield, in any event, that will allow things to bounce right off of her. Rubber shield? Weird. Sam's photo is straight-up ugly. Sarah's is really jowly, and Paula says that she looks like she has an abscess and is about to head-butt someone. Pretty. She winds up in the final two, but it's Sam who goes home. Lianna quite awesomely says that she was so happy that Sam went home, and that Sam came and gave her a big hug and told her to be strong, and then Lianna had to wipe Sam's nasty tear off of her own cheek and be like, "Bitch, I don't give a piss." Sam says that she'll just carry on being the way she is, and hopefully that will get her somewhere in the end. Given the fact that she seems to be universally hated, I kind of doubt that. Bye, Sam! Commercials. When we return, there are seven girls. Top promo director Jason Clifford tells the girls that they are going to be shooting a 30 second jewelry promotion. The girls are excited, until they find out that Jason is going to bring out a rain machine which will soak them. There's, like, one sunny day in England and they have to ruin it like that for these poor girls? Total bullocks! Georgina is first, and Jason yells at her that she's enjoying it and is euphoric and it's so hot. Georgina says that she couldn't believe she was in sunny L.A. when in fact she was actually in cold, windy Sussex. Wait a second... who's Georgina? Something tells me that she's not going to win. Jasmia is up and starts dancing around like she couldn't be happier. Jason says that he was asking for personality, personality, personality, and Jasmia gave it in bucket loads. Then there is Sarah, who really went all the way by going into the stinking, dirty water of wherever they are and acting happy about it. Not so happy is Abigail, who says that she felt like a complete idiot and could have done it better if she were a bit drunk. Many a lass has said those words before. Tamar rounds out the clips and looks like she is giving birth to a ferret. In fact, she just lost her hairpiece. Between her legs. I don't know about Tamar.
, the girls learn that farm life can be fashionable if the dress code is country couture. Hey, cool! Jasmia and Amber go in first to get their big poufy awesome dresses and top hats. Abigail was excited for her wardrobe, but then it ended up being waders with thigh-high wellies and a big afro. The photographer jokes that she looks like she had an altercation with an electric fence. She says that she was freaking out, because she felt like a short fat man. Hey, that's how Nolé Marin had to feel every day of his life! Maybe now you have some sympathy, Abigail. At the very least, Abigail isn't cross-eyed like freaking ferret-birthing Tamar. Tamar tells us that her storyline was that she had had "a bit of fun with a man." Or, as Jonathan says, "You've been ruffled up by some big, butch hunk." Okay, "Ruffle me up, you big, butch hunk," might be the best bedroom talk ever, and most certainly was pioneered by either Mr. or Ms. J. Tamar lies on some bales of hay and tries to sex it up. However, not everyone finds her performance believable. Abigail says that she looks like a dead granny, with her severe, thin, pinched features. She looked like an old, withering woman. Hey, some grannies get ruffled up by big, butch hunks routinely. Abigail is so ageist. Amber has to pose on top of a tractor, and Georgina tells us that Amber's pout drives her insane. We see Jonathan tell her to stop pouting, because tractor drivers generally don't pout all that much. That's because they have no teeth. Jonathan says that one-pout Amber's lack of expression is really getting him down, and Sarah, Georgina and Abigail sit on a fence (literally) and discuss how annoying it is. I don't know, I didn't think it was that bad. Georgina is told to meander pensively in the daffodils and gets some good feedback on her performance. As Jonathan walks Lianna out to the set, he tells her that there will be no tears on the job today, and "even if one of them bites you, you must be strong, and you must be brave." I thought he was talking about the other girls in the competition, but in fact, he was talking about fowl. Those are some bitchy geese, man. Lianna says that she felt silly, especially when the photographer got annoyed with her and had to ask if she had regained her composure. Gosh, if she can't deal with these peaceful country geese, how on earth is she ever going to be able to disarm one of the tough city gang ducks? And then, we are at panel, and Lisa tells the girls that she has some exciting news. Two of the girls impressed the jewelry folks so much, that they're actually going to air their commercial. And they are... Sarah and Abigail! It turns out that the jewelry people are actually QVC. Abigail and Sarah are excited nonetheless. When it comes to photo evaluations, Jonathan is concerned about Tamar's muscular legs. Paula has a new weave! Woo! Amber says that she isn't completely happy with her expression in her photo, but Lisa loves it and says that for Amber to say that she's not happy with the photo means that they don't see eye to eye. Georgina looks pissed off in her photo, according to Lisa. When all is said and done, Georgina and Tamar are in the bottom two. Tamar is already freaking out. Lisa says that one girl has strength of expression, and one has strength with her body position. The judges were split with the decision, so... .both of them are going home. That's awesome! Everyone is really upset about the whole thing, except for me. I am laughing with glee. Goodbye, Granny Tamar and forgettable Georgina! Dramatic music plays and we see the other girls crying in slow motion. Tamar tells us that she thought she had a good chance of winning it. Deluded! Georgina says that this isn't like it's the end of a dream. It isn't? Tamar is going to go on and keep trying, unfortunately for us.
Now we are down to five, and Lisa thought it was time to see how committed the girls really are. But instead of a self-help Tyra Banks one-on-one weave-covered therapy couch, Lisa seems to be enjoying kind of a slumber party thing with each of the girls. See, that looks fun! She asks Jasmia who should win the competition, and Jasmia of course says herself. Good girl. Amber also thinks that she can be the winner if she keeps her game up. Lisa says to Abigail that the judges need to know how badly she wants this, and Abigail says she's willing to take anyone down to win. Lisa says the same thing to Sarah. When Sarah says she wants it, Lisa says that talk is cheap, and Sarah replies, "Talk is very cheap, but this ain't cheap. I am going to do it." When it's Lianna's turn, Lisa says that if Lianna wants to be a copper, she needs to tell her that she wants to be a copper. I thought it had already been established that Lianna wanted to be a copper? Apparently the other girls have mentioned to Lisa that Lianna might just dabble in modeling for a few years and then join the police force, and that bothers Lisa. Oh, you mean just like Lisa Snowdon dabbled in being Lisa "Snawdon" from birth to age 19? I THOUGHT SO! Lianna says that she sees herself as a model. She then interviews that for people to say that she doesn't deserve to be there because she has another career plan really bothers her. Me too! I hate that shit. , the girls had to do a photo shoot with a new car. This could lead to a national campaign with the car company down the road. Could, but probably won't. I mean, let's be honest. Sarah, wearing a Naomi Campbell wig, poses first with the car. PR manager Fiona Pargeter tells Lisa that Sarah looks too serious. Abigail then gets into the act and starts flinging around paint. At first, Fiona thought it was too cutesy, but in the end she determined that Abigail worked it. Abigail was made for that shit. Pouty Amber is jumping around like a lunatic, according to Fiona, and her legs are all over the place like a baby giraffe. Lianna is a purple mess. This poor car, man. It's been abused and misused. The girls then all get together to fling paint on the car. Lisa tells us that when you have five girls and five buckets of paint, accidents are bound to happen. I'd like to put that theory to the test. The accidents basically involved the girls getting paint all over each other. Abigail got paint in her eye and wondered if it was on purpose. Bitches! Lisa tells us that with the flying paint all but forgotten, the girls are in for a memorable night. She and the judges discuss. Lisa likes Abigail, but doesn't think she has what it takes to be at the top. However, Paula thinks she can cut it. Amber looks like a model in her picture but not when she walks into the room. Sarah looks like a drag queen in her photo, and Lianna looks like a bloke in a frock. None of those can be good. No one says anything about Jasmia, which I guess means that she's safe. Lisa tells the girls that the four girls who remain after this elimination will get to pack their bags, y'all, because they're going to... Morocco! Just like the ladies from AbFab! I hope they sell Lianna. Despite this prospect, all the girls are very excited. Lianna found herself in the final two along with Sarah. They both produced mediocre shots this week, but Lianna is where all the drama is, so she gets to stay. Sarah says that she wasn't being herself in the competition, and that she's not through with modeling and we're going to see her everywhere. Which, we totally already have, right? Commercials.
When we return, four girls remain. And they're in Marrakesh! It looks really lovely. The girls are psyched to get in their bikinis and lay by the pool. But, as Lisa tells us, it's not all fun and games. The girls need to get to work! So they go in the market where they'll have to split up in two teams and find a lovely, chic Moroccan outfit... for Lisa! Jasmia and Amber pair up, as do Lianna and Abigail. Jasmia tells us that she and Amber shouldn't shop together. They seem a little dawdling and clueless. Lianna and Abigail also seem to have some differences of opinion, and Abigail says that she wanted to kill Lianna. The choking motions that Lianna makes in her interview seem to indicate the same thing. Lisa tries on the outfits that the girls got her. She loves the color of the top chosen by Amber and Jasmia, even though Lianna thinks that it's horrendous. I don't know, I think it's cute. What do cops know about fashion, anyway? Lianna and Abigail's outfit is more traditional and even Jasmia has to give it up for them. They win, with Lisa telling them that their choice was totally Moroccan chic. I think the point of this whole exercise is just to prove to us that Lisa is a babe. Which we already knew. If it's good enough for Clooney, it's good enough for Potes, I always like to say. It is night in Morocco, and the competition is getting more fierce. And there's a lot of tension in the group. Amber tells us that she and Jasmia decided that they were going to go eat on their own, because neither of them could stand to be around Abigail. But I thought Lianna was the one everyone hated? I just can't keep up. They have a nice romantic rendezvous on the balcony. Lianna tells us that Jasmia and Amber are obviously friends, and while she and Abigail don't share that sort of enjoyment of one another, they have to hang out with each other because they're the only other people left in the competition. Thus, they dine together. Meanwhile, Jasmia and Amber talk about how they don't like Abigail. Lianna and Abigail talk about something regarding ignorance, but I really don't know what the whole point of it is. After dinner, the girls hang out in their yard, and Jasmia and Abigail have a bit of a confrontation. Jasmia pretty much tells Abigail that she hates her and that she's fake. She says there's no point in them doing certain things together, on account of how much they hate Abigail. Abigail is dumbfounded. Jasmia notes that Abigail didn't say anything and just went to bed. She finds that wasteful, because you should call out a bitch when the opportunity presents itself. After Abigail leaves, the others splash around in the pool and have a good time, which makes her feel bad and like she's all alone in the world. I have to say that I'm usually good at intuiting these things, but I don't quite understand why the others don't like her at all.
The morning at breakfast, Abigail lashes out. She takes Jasmia to task for calling her fake for hanging out with Lianna after their past disagreements. Jasmia notes that she's never particularly liked Abigail. Abigail counters that she's never particularly liked Jasmia either, but has been the bigger person and changed. Abigail's accent gets really thick throughout all this, and I think it's sort of akin to when Tyra gets her ghetto accent on to prove a point. Abigail is street. Jasmia says that Abgail is not, in fact, the bigger person. Lianna, apparently not a fan of confrontation, walks away. Abigail eventually follows, telling Jasmia to shut up. Jasmia tells her to make her shut up, and then there is some more along those general lines. Calm it down, there, Lady MacBitches! Lisa voices over that hopefully a photo shoot in the hot, hot sun will cool things down a bit. Really, I don't think that's what they're hoping for at all! Nicky Johnston, celebrity photographer, welcomes the girls to the Sahara desert, and tells them to expect him to be in a bad mood. Apparently it's 110 degrees. That is no joke. Abigail is first up, and is worried about her face getting screwed up. Something is apparently wrong with her eyes. I think she has crazy contacts in, or maybe it's the makeup. Eventually, Nicky says that he's got the shot. Abigail asks if he's sure, and says that she'll kill him if he didn't. He asks, "What are you going to do? Have me shot?" She'll just "shut up" him to death. Don't mess with Abigail the Wee. Amber is on a lice-ridden camel. What more could a girl ask for? It's a dream come true! Nicky tells her that the camel's personality is coming out more than her. Jasmia is shot inside a house and Nicky appears to give some positive feedback. Lianna poses in a turban and Nicky gets his shot. The girls are welcomed to their first Moroccan judging. Nicky is impressed by Abigail, and notes how far she's come since the shoot in the snow dome. Amber's shot is disappointing to Paula, who says that she was supposed to work on her movement and expression. Amber says that she wants another chance to prove herself, because she knows that she didn't perform up to par and could have thrown it all away. Paula says that that's the right answer. Jasmia quite likes her photo, and so do all the judges. Jonathan says that the setting and the clothes suit her. Then there is Lianna. Paula doesn't like her face in the shot, isn't so hot on her pose, and generally expected more from her. Paula says that everyone has to start working really hard, because the competition is getting tighter and tighter. Lianna tears up and says she really doesn't want to go home. And lo, she doesn't. It's Pouty Amber who gets the axe. She says that she's absolutely devastated. She's not going to give up because she's come this far, and it's the career that she wants. She has some encouraging parting words for Jasmia, who she says can win the competition. Objectively, I have to say, I think Amber might be the prettiest one there. But, as we know, that means nothing in the land of a Top Model competition, in any country! Commercials.
When we return, it's time for some belly dancing! Lisa tells us that for a top model, being in control of your body is everything. Except when you are being completely objectified, which is pretty much all the time. So a lady named Noor is giving them some lessons. Lianna tells us that dancing is not her strong point, but she decided to get over the embarrassment and go for it. Lianna is one pasty-ass Brit. Noor tells Jasmia to close her legs to be more feminine, and Abigail notes that Jasmia was stiff and not in the mood to do it. Abigail, however, loved it. The girls get outfitted in some fancy belly dancing outfits, and Abigail notes that her top makes her chest look bigger than previously believed possible. Seriously, those puppies are on display. Think Tyra on an average day. The girls then have to test out their skill in front of an audience at a restaurant or bar, which of course includes the judges. Lisa says that the girls look fabulous, and yells at them to work it. The judges hoot and holler as the girls dance. Paula actually gives them a standing ovation at the end. I think she's drunk. When they're through, Noor tells them that the whole thing was a challenge. Abby wins. Ha! In your face, bitches. Or, rather, bitch in the singular. Abby says that she knew she was going to win, because she enjoyed the experience the most. For her prize, she gets a computer phone encased in pink Swarovski crystals. Abigail yells, "Paris Hilton's got one of these!" Apparently, the phone is also in the shape of a crab. The final photo shoot of the competition takes place in the ancient Marrakesh sukh. Top photographer Jim Marks meets the girls and tells them that all he needs are beautiful pictures. Easier said than done, my friend. The girls get made up, and Lianna gets a big fake ponytail that makes her look a lot better. Abigail tells us that Jasmia wasn't feeling very well. Apparently she had a big headache. Dude, take some Advil. Jasmia says that she was stressing, and couldn't really totally relax. Well, this is a fine time for it. Jim tells her that she looks sufficiently miserable for a model. Ha! Abigail tells us that in her last shoot, she was trying to think of all the advice and critiques that the judges had given them throughout the competition. When the photographer tells her to pose a certain way, she says that Paula hates it when you can't see their hands in a photo. Jim asks if Paula's there. Paula is always there in spirit! Meanwhile, there is Lianna. She basically is at a loss because her shoot has no props and nothing for her to lean against, and the photographer told her to do whatever she wanted to do. She is kind of freaking out. She says that she felt numb when she was posing and it was horrible, because she knows that she'll look dead in the picture. Jim tells her that it wasn't that bad, but she doesn't believe it.
And it is time for the penultimate judging! The two who remain will battle it off in a catwalk show, per usual. Lisa asks how Lianna's final shoot was, and she admits that she cried. Paula notes that Lianna is very passionate about her work, and tells her to blow all her nasty insecurity and spirit out and start again. She says that you can start your day over any second. Easily said for a woman who tried to hang herself from a chandelier. When her photo comes up, Lianna meekly says that she likes it. Lisa tells her to show some emotion, and Lianna has to admit that she really, really likes it. The judges think it's amazing, and Paula says it's her favorite shot of the show so far. Really, it's pretty good. Jasmia is , and says that her final shoot went okay. She says that she likes her final shot. Lisa says that it's a beautiful picture and her face is striking. Jim says that Jasmia did well on the day of the shoot, and Paula adds that it's Jasmia's personal best shot. Abigail looks sad, according to Lisa, and Abigail admits that she's scared. Paula tells her to take a big, deep breath, and that she should be proud because she's given it her best shot. Abigail loves her shot, and Paula gives her signature phrase, "Cool bananas." Jim tells Abigail that she's sometimes a little too overenthusiastic, but at least she has a personality. Lisa notes Abigail's transformation from the hottie men's magazine girl she once was to a real live fashion model. The judges deliberate. Jonathan wasn't sure if Abigail really wanted it at the beginning, but she's really progressed and blossomed and come into her own. Jim says that Abigail will try until she gets it right. Jasmia has had the most consistently beautiful photos according to Jonathan. Paula says that she has a look that will stand in the way of her doing everything. Jonathan adds that the girls who aren't the most versatile need something extra special in the way of personality, and Jasmia has it. Lianna has almost overwhelming passion, says Jim, and Jonathan adds that he hopes it's passion and not fragility. Lisa doesn't want to say goodbye to any of the girls. But, as we all know, she has to. When the girls return, she asks all of them to step forward. Lisa gets teary as she tells all the girls that they've all done well so far, and all deserve to be there. With that, Lianna gets the first photo. She is wearing, like, a circus tent for a shirt. That screams top model, doesn't it? And then, Abigail gets a photo, too. This means that her arch-nemesis Jasmia goes home. She wanted to stay until the end, she says, and it meant a lot to her. She is plain and simple gutted, she says. Sad times! Commercials.
When we return, Lianna notes how ironic that she and Abby are in the final together, because they've had so many arguments and harsh words throughout the competition. She says that it's kind of nice having Abby be her competition, because they're not friends, and won't be friends on the outside world, so she doesn't have to give a flying British pound about her feelings. Lisa turns up to congratulate the two girls. She says that she's very proud and very excited and asks the girls how they feel. They both think it's unbelievable and mind-blowing. Lisa tells them that the day is their chance to shine. They each get one glass of champagne and then they have to practice and focus on working it. Abigail says that her ideal situation is for Lianna to trip on her long caftan and fall off into the audience. Didn't Bea Arthur do that at least once? Lianna wants Abby to plain old fail. She says that this is it for her, because modeling is the only thing she wants to do. What about being a copper? Stay strong, Lianna, and fight for justice on the mean streets of the U.K.! Abigail tells us that she's going to walk all over Lianna. Hopefully literally, in stilettos. That would really add a layer of interest. The girls head to the location of their final catwalk show. Lisa tells them that this is their chance to put everything they've learned to practice. She introduces them to the two women, flown in from Milan, who will produce the show. See, real fashion shows are never produced by Jay Manuel. Someone drops flower petals on the runway as the girls check out their wardrobe, and Lisa tells us that the final runway show will be for Moroccan designer Kenza Melehi. Abby confesses to feeling a bit nervous and says that she's got mad stomach cramps, which is never a good thing. Lianna tells us again that her copper dreams are in fact dreams of the past, and all she wants to do is model. As opposed to Abigail, Lianna feels calm and confident. Abby finds this worrisome, but she feels like she has the stronger walk and hopes that will work to her advantage. The guests file in as the models prepare themselves. And then, the show starts. Abby is first to go, and Lisa says she looks beautiful. And then, as Lianna walks out on the runway, she slips! Oh, I love it when that happens! Lisa voices over that this could be costly. There is Abigail, who gets raves from Paula, then Lianna, who Paula says is poetry in motion. On Abby's pass, she slips a little bit as well, but sort of plays it off. She says that she's gutted. Lianna slips yet again while she's walking, and notes that she was shaking and went too fast. There is more modeling. At the end, the girls both get a big round of applause. She and Lianna congratulate each other backstage and compare the number of times they slipped. If only someone had broken something. Sigh. A girl can dream. Abigail and Lianna, in various states of undress, titter backstage about how much they love modeling. That is not a double entendre. Commercials.
When we return, Abigail (in curlers, per usual) and Lianna get Lisa Mail. Today is the day of reckoning, despite the "chirpy" mail. Both girls are nervous as they pack, because they both want to win. I mean, you know the drill. They appear in front of the panel, and Lianna starts crying almost immediately. Abby says that she loved being on the catwalk, and was just thinking, "I'm gorgeous, I'm gorgeous" the whole time. I'm going to start doing that in daily life, just to see what happens. Abby gets commended on her runway performance, including her recovery from slipping. The judges agree that she's come a long way, especially given her sex kitten beginnings. Lisa asks Abigail to convince her why she deserves to be Britain's Top Model. Abby says that she's in love with modeling, and now that she's had a taste of it, she doesn't want to do anything else. Jonathan asks how the show has changed her, and she says it's made her dead-set on being a model, as opposed to having it just be a dream. Then it's Lianna's turn. She's totally crying, and Lisa asks what's running through her head. Lianna says that she's thinking about all of her regrets, and all of the ways she could have done a better job on various shoots. Why, just one time, couldn't someone answer, "Kittens!" to that question? Paula says that Lianna has things to work on personally, but that's true of everyone. This from the woman who was such a crazy drunk that she actually frightened hitchhikers. She would know. Lisa asks how Lianna liked catwalking. Lianna liked it, but said that she forgot everything she learned. When faced with footage of herself, Lianna says that she looked better than she had imagined. The judges are forgiving of her slip on the runway. Jonathan says that she looks really beautiful, but he'd rather have her slip and fall on her face if it meant that she was enjoying herself. He adds that she's pre-empting things that could go wrong by coming out and feeling bad about herself. I think what he means to say is, stop being such a bloody mess, you freak. Lisa asks Lianna to convince them that she should be Britain's Top Model. Lianna says that she's learned so much, and even if she comes in second, she has the edge to go out and do it. To not use her knowledge would be a waste. She starts crying... more... and says that she shocked herself by how much she wants this. The judges deliberate. Jonathan says that Lianna looked great, but he just wishes she had enjoyed it more. Lisa says that it was her first big runway show, so nerves are the norm. Jonathan says that if she doesn't believe that she's confident and gorgeous, the audience won't believe it either. Lisa says that if she did a whole week of runway shows, she'd be good and would step it up a bit. Paula says that she has been thrown in at the deep end of modeling, and has had loads to contend with the whole time in term of the competition. They're totally making excuses for her! Jonathan says that she's had ten weeks of training from experts, which is an advantage that most models don't have. I'm with Jonathan on this one. Paula says that most models also don't have to live with eight other girls and go through all the manufactured drama that the show throws at them. When did Paula get so nice? I don't like it. Lisa quite helpfully points out that, at 18, Lianna is the youngest girl in the competition. That always helps.
Paula says that when Abigail came out on the catwalk, she had a completely different air from the other models. She looked like she was confident, in control, and like she believed that she was beautiful. Lisa says that she couldn't take her eyes off of Abby, and that she had a certain intensity about her. She really does look much better than Lianna. Jonathan says that Abigail's career wouldn't really even be on the catwalk, because she's more of a commercial model. Paula counters that that's what people said about Kate Moss, with her bandy legs and at 5'6". But we all know what happened there! The judges then go through both of the girls' portfolios. They both have some good shots. Who will it be? Don't get your knickers in a twist, we'll find out right now! As Abigail and Lianna enter the judging room, Lisa says that she has two very special girls before her. She makes it sound like they're retarded or something. One of the girls has transformed from being a tomboy (Lianna), and the other has lost her lad's mag look (Abigail). But they both stand before her as versatile, edgy, editorial models. However, there can only be one winner. And it is... Lianna! I call bullshit on that one. Abigail also looks pissed off. Both girls are crying, and Jonathan comforts Abby. She says that she's not going to give up, she's going to keep trying. She's got some great pictures and she's going to go to agencies and see what's happened. She says that she's changed a lot as a model, but not as a person -- she's her same old stupid self. Hey, her words, not mine. But really, sad times for Abby. Meanwhile, Lianna is the winner! She says that she's tried so hard and it's all paid off. If you consider being Britain's Top Model a real prize. She says that all the drama and emotion and stress of being there doesn't matter anymore, because she's proven to everyone that she's good enough, smart enough, and doggone it, people like her! Okay, except for those last two. And remember that somewhere on the mean streets of Britain a poor young orphan is stealing a loaf of bread somewhere with no consequence, because the police force is UNDERSTAFFED. I hope you're happy, Lisa Snowdon.