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Finale week! It's basically more of the same, with one addition: ghost brides. The traditional Cover Girl commercial filming slash photo shoot brings out the freaky perfectionist in Melrose, the personality in Eugena, and the forty-year-old in Caridee. Seriously, she looks really mature in her photo. Despite actually doing really, really well, Eugena is the first to go, under the oft-favored premise of not wanting it enough. This means that Melrose and Caridee are in the final two. They prepare for and participate in a runway show in which they must look and act like ghost brides. Yeah, you actually read "ghost brides." In some sort of cave-like environment. You know that a show has really given up even the smallest pretense of legitimacy when it holds its ghost brides-themed final runway show in a cave. There's some nonsense about Caridee stepping on the train of Melrose's dress, and Melrose freaking out, but it doesn't lead to blood on the runway, so it is of fundamentally no use to us. In the end, despite doing really, really poorly on the ghost brides runway, Caridee wins not only the designation of being America's Top Model, but the final battle over the psoriasis that held her down for so long. Everyone loves a redemption story. And I mean, you didn't actually think Melrose had a shot, did you? Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: screaming girls! Thirteen, to be exact, who have taken the competition to terrifying levels, according to Tyra. They've had to deal with big wind tunnels, bulls, wobbly runways, and Fabio. And don't forget Monique's crusty underwear. Three girls have survived it all. There's Eugena, the "sassy siren from Southern California," who threw a lot of attitude at casting, and then kind of sucked as a model. For a while. And then she started doing a lot better and secretly became my favorite, even though the judges started to doubt that she really wanted it. Whatever, judges. Go eat some pork rinds. You'll find them all crunched up in Tyra's bustier.
And then there's Melrose. Sigh. She's the "hyperconfident" clothing designer from San Francisco. She knows fashion, but her early overconfidence and diva attitude pissed everyone off. And then she was in the bottom two in the first episode! I forgot about that. Oh, if only I could set my DeLorean to go back twelve weeks. And then Melrose won challenge after challenge and had really good photos. Also, everyone hated her. And those two facts really don't have all that much to do with each other, despite what she may claim. This perfectionist has to handle the pressure, and prove that there's a soft side under that fierce façade. And also that she doesn't suck as a human being. We'd need a fifteen-part mini-series of a finale to get a chance at that.
And then there's Caridee, the "stunner from North Dakota with a big personality and a powerful motivation to succeed." And do you know what that motivation is? Yes, psoriasis. What sweet vindication it would be to make the journey from scaly freak to top model. "With her psoriasis behind her," Caridee's good-times attitude was pretty much enjoyed by all, until she intimated that Nigel had a stick up his ass. This show is not a fan of the truth. She got a big lecture about having class, dignity, and respect. Can Caridee reign in her wild personality before it spirals out of control? Oh, who cares. Seriously, this final three is particularly uninspiring.
We are still in Barcelona. Melrose, Eugena, and Caridee meet Jay Manuel in a park of some sort. He tells them that they're going to be doing a commercial and print ad for Cover Girl Outlast Lip Shine. No big surprise there. Caridee says that it's every girl's dream to do a Cover Girl commercial and photo shoot. I guess I didn't get that memo. Jay is going to direct the commercial (oh, goody), and Jim DeYonker will shoot the Cover Girl ad. We see photos of Joanie and Danielle from last season. Hey, remember them? I liked them. The winner of the season will have the photo that is shot today featured in a national magazine as a Cover Girl ad. Jay says that they needed to have a real Cover Girl on the scene today, but the only person they could actually get was Season 6 winner Dani(elle).
Dani(elle) comes out and says, "Y'all are cute." They may have given her veneers to close the tooth gap, but clearly the show was too cheap to perform the lasix surgery. Jay notes that he now has to call Dani(elle) "Dani,' because her agency changed her name. With this, the chyron changes, too. I have too say that, normally, I'm a fan of Dani(elle), but she's looking a little tired. Dani(elle) tells the girls always to remember that they're role models, and to make good decisions and choices and have fun with everything they do. Jay also tells them to remain grounded and level-headed like Dani(elle), because he doesn't need any more divas walking around. One rib-loving walrus in a weave is quite enough for him to handle, thank you very much.
The girls get primped and powdered. Caridee says that she's studied her commercial lines, but doesn't want to study too hard, because then you overthink things. And speaking of overthinking, Melrose is repeatedly practicing her lines aloud. Caridee says something to her to the effect that it's really annoying, and Melrose says, "Well, then, stop listening to me, ho." Ooooh, she just called Caridee a ho. I mean, it's hard to argue with it, but still. Caridee seems mildly offended. Eugena says that Melrose needs to be perfect, and doesn't care about anyone or anyone's feelings. All she cares about is herself and how she's going to do in the competition. And, I mean, it is a competition, so I get that. But I think what Eugena means is that Melrose doesn't have to be quite such a stank bitch to everyone. Caridee says that she's starting to overthink things herself, and that Melrose got her all freaked out. Eugena reminds us that she and Caridee want to be in the final two together. They don't want Melrose to win, because she's fake. And also a stank bitch. Dani(elle) chats it up with Caridee and Eugena, and Eugena doesn't seem wildly enthusiastic about the experience before her. Melrose says that she knows how much she wants this and how long she's wanted something like this, and that she hasn't heard anything similar from Eugena. Foreshadowing, ding ding ding.
Caridee is first to shoot the commercials. Jay tells her that Cover Girls are all about being friendly and beautiful and the girl door and big toothy grins. Well, Caridee certainly fits the profile. Too bad she can't talk! She bumbles her lines, and interviews that the pressure of the competition is starting to get to her. Jay tells her not to overthink it, and just to be herself. He tells us that he was nervous watching Caridee, but that then she loosened up. His problem with her, though, is that once you let that bolt go, she just goes crazy all over the place, and it's hard to pull the reins. We get footage of her being crazy. And it's really not all that crazy. She finally wraps it. I have to say that Caridee's speaking voice in the commercial is not that pleasant. Jay tells her that she did a great job, and was much more herself. She interprets this last bit as a good thing.
is Eugena. Jay tells her that she wants to sell a product without coming across like a used-car salesman. Shouldn't he be saving this speech for Melrose? Eugena, I might add, looks stunning. Her first take is pretty stiff. Jay notes that she started off really flat and boring, and Eugena interviews that she has to remember what the judges have told her throughout the whole competition -- to smile more, be more open, and "work on her personality." See, I think the reason that I like Eugena so much is that she totally sees through the bullshit that is this show. I mean, she just has to ask us if we wanted lip gloss that would party all night. And then, she has to say, "Dance! Dine! Have a feasta! Your old lip gloss...hasta la vista!" Yes, they just pronounced "fiesta" as "feasta" so that it would rhyme with "hasta la vista." That is pretty gay, even for Top Model. Jay tells Eugena that she was really good.
So this, of course, leaves Melrose. She's freaking out as she gets her hair done, and says that there's so much riding on this, adding, "Eugena doesn't get nervous." She looks pretty good, I have to admit. She messes up some of the words and gets totally flustered by it. Jay says that Melrose is the ultimate perfectionist. He tells her not to overthink it or panic through it. Then he tells her not to punch every word, because it's awful. Ha! She has time for one more shoot, and Jay tells her to bring real energy to it, not the fake energy of which she is such a proponent. She's finally finished, and Jay tells her to leave all of her nerves and performance jitters there so that it doesn't carry into her photo. She cries to the hair guy, and interviews that it's hard to hear bad comments because she feels like if she makes one mistake, she's out of there. One could only hope. Commercials.
When we return, Melrose is still freaking out. She cries that she couldn't even say the product name right. The hair guy tries to calm her down. Jay tells her that Melrose needs to learn how to let it go and how to stop self-evaluating. Jim DeYonker notes at the photo shoot that Melrose's lips are trembling, and she says that it's because she's nervous. Jim says that you could tell she was thinking too much, and was too technical. Melrose says that she knew this was an important shoot and that she had to perform. She's happy overall that she went, performed, and got the job done.
there's Caridee. Jim asks if she's okay with the beauty-shot concept, and she says that she loves the camera. She poses, and says that she's trying to look really blissful -- not sexy or towering. Just relaxed. I guess she's thinking about her Spanish loverboy. And that's all we get! Jeez, was that quick.
Then there's Eugena. Jim tells her that the shot is all about face and lips. Eugena interviews that she's going into this shoot making sure that her eyes aren't dead, because she's sick of Tyra Banks telling her that she has dead eyes. I think the world is tired of hearing Tyra Banks tell anyone that she has dead eyes. When her shoot's done, she gives Jim a kiss on the cheek, and he says that he's going to get in trouble with his wife. Oh, Jim! He's such a flirt.
So the only thing left to do is get some pick-up shots for the commercial. This involves the girls standing together and making use of the words "easy," "breezy," and "beautiful." They have to flounce around like they're best friends, which Eugena assures us they're not. Jay says that they were almost convincing enough to make people believe they like each other, and Caridee pretends to stab Eugena in the head. That would be one way to get down to the final two quickly.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail. Some bitch is going home. Melrose says that it's weird going to Panel and only having three people. She just wants to hear her name get called. In that way, Melrose's fondest wish is antithetical to that of the entire CW-watching world. ["All twenty-three of us." -- Wing Chun] Eugena says that they know the routine by now, and that you just have to hope the judges like you and want to keep you. I love how she's so over it. Caridee is nervous. She says that she screwed up a lot during her commercial, and that they'll just have to see.
And with that, we're at Panel. Melrose appears to be wearing pants that are actually tights, or tights that are actually pants. In any case, it's horrifying. But not as horrifying as what Tyra is wearing. She looks like a blood sausage in black casing. There are prizes, there are judges. The guest judges are Victorio and Lucchino, the men who will design the dresses that the final two models will "stomp to the death in" (OH, IF ONLY) in the final runway show. Then, everyone watches the final commercial. Did you know that Cover Girl Outlast Lip Shine lasts for ten hours? That's five times as long as the record holder for longest-lasting shine gloss. Or, maybe five times as long as regular lip gloss. In any case, that must be some viscous fluid if it stays on your lips that long. ["Not to be all smells like cupcakes about it, but it's actually pretty awesome." -- Wing Chun] The girls tell us that if we use it we'll stay shiny for a very long time. Are we supposed to think that's a good thing? ["That part isn't true, but the colour lasts." -- Wing Chun] Tyra tells the girl that the commercial was really good, and Nigel gives a fake clap.
Melrose is first to be evaluated, and we see her best take. Nigel says that she has a beautiful smile, and to be able to talk and smile like that is the reason that Cover Girl would hire Melrose for their commercial. Talking and smiling is the new splitting the atom. Then Victorio or Lucchino says that he has never met such a magnificent, fresh young speaker. Apparently, Italy is filled with mutes. Melrose understands "magnifico" and "fresca," and is pleased. Tyra then says, "So, Melrose," and it almost sounds like she's saying "Smellrose," which would have been awesome. Everyone then looks at her Cover Girl ad. Miss J. says that he wishes her lips hadn't been so stiff. Tyra is disappointed by Melrose's film, and wasn't sure if she was nervous or if she's not a natural beauty-shot girl. Well, she's not a natural beauty, so that would stand to reason.
Then it's time for Eugena. Miss J. yells, "Surprise, surprise, surprise!," and Twiggy notes that Eugena does have personality. Tyra asks where that girl has been throughout the competition, and Eugena says that she was just nervous. Tyra says that this is the most nervewracking thing they've had to do. As she says this, she gives a big old finger point to the screen, and you can see Miss J.'s hand doing the exact same thing simultaneously in the left of the screen. It's pretty awesome. Anyway, Eugena says that this is the easiest thing she's had to do. Nigel notes that Eugena has a bit of a sourpuss face when she's not smiling. Tyra asks Eugena if she wants to be a model. Oh, here we go. Eugena says that she does, and Miss J. says that it doesn't sound like she really does. She assures him that she does. And then there's Eugena's ad, which is totally amazing. Seriously, it's great. Twiggy says that Eugena's really saved her best for the eleventh hour. Miss J. says that this is scary, because it makes one wonder if she'll fall back and not move forward. Eugena says that's a long way to fall, but nobody on the panel appreciates her humor.
Then there's Caridee. If you ask me, she lays it on a bit thick, but Tyra likes how she models while she's doing it. This means that she actually moved her body. Every now and then, however, she frowned, which is no good. Nigel tells her to slow it down. Caridee's Cover Girl ad is...okay. She looks pretty mature. Like she should be wearing White Diamonds perfume. But Twiggy says that the shot is sophisticated and her skin looks beautiful and her lips look luscious. Twiggy has a girl crush! Miss J. likes her like this, more relaxed. Caridee says that she was trying to be relaxed, and not porno or sexy. Tyra says that Caridee's film was the best and that she blew them away with this picture. Nigel notes that she's really looking like a model in person these days, too.
And then, it is time for the judges do deliberate. But first, we get a recap of Dani(elle)'s exciting year of filming that one commercial with Queen Latifah. She repeats her once-charming line, "I'm a Cover Girl, Mommy!" Oh, remember how happy it was when she won last season? In other news, I am so excited to see Dreamgirls. Oh, anyway: deliberation. Eugena's photo is her strongest shot to date, and "sensational," according to Twiggy. However, Twiggy is also concerned about her personality, or lack thereof. Miss J. agrees. Caridee, on the other hand, does have a lot of personality, but you never know what you're going to get. Even one of the Italian designers thinks that she's crazy, and coming from a man who looks exactly like Gene Wilder, that's a strong statement. Nigel says that if she could pull the whole act together, she could do a good commercial, too. The photograph of Melrose isn't Twiggy's favorite, but she thinks that Melrose has done consistently well throughout the competition, and she loves Melrose's passion. Nigel says that Melrose is a perfectionist, but that she's a natural. Whereas Eugena has a natural talent, but not the drive. She does? Twiggy duly notes that Eugena's earlier pictures were terrible, and Nigel retorts that it's all changed in the last three. Twiggy admits that he has a point. The judges act for a few minutes like this is a hard decision and not a pre-ordained memo from Tyra, and then the girls return.
Three girls, two photos. You know the drill. Caridee is safe. This should surprise approximately no one. She's very excited, as she should be. Then, Melrose and Eugena step forward. Eugena looks like she's praying she doesn't get called. Tyra says that Melrose has consistently taken absolutely beautiful pictures, but that, this week, she pretty much blew. And then there's Eugena, who sucked week after a week for quite a long time, but has started looking good in the past three weeks. But the judges aren't sure if she wants to be there. And you know what that means: Melrose gets a picture and Eugena gets sent home. Caridee is visibly upset, and she and Eugena trade a little look. Tyra tells Melrose to get her shit together. Eugena does seem a little teary. Tyra asks her if she's going to keep going, and Eugena nods yes. Caridee gives Eugena a big hug, and then, quite hilariously, the reviled Melrose runs over and tries to hug both of them, even though she looks like a little trolly leech. I mean a leech that resembles a troll, not a leech that likes to stick on a quaint mode of public transportation. In any case, it actually makes me feel a little bad for Melrose. Caridee tells Eugena, "I'll get this for you, I promise."
Eugena wishes her performance had spoken for itself instead of her having to tell the judges, but sometimes you have to tell people what you're feeling. She says that if she didn't want to be there, she wouldn't have made it this far. She's disappointed, and wishes she had explained herself better. I don't know. I don't think Eugena wanted to win that badly, probably because she's smart.
Back at home, Caridee is sad to see the good, kind-hearted Eugena leaving. She reads the note Eugena left for her, which says that she'd better walk her ass off on the runway, because the natural blonde needs to win. Caridee says that now the house is pure competition. It's the battle of the blondes! I added an exclamation point there because I'm trying to get myself pumped up! But I can't! No matter how hard I try! Seriously, why is this finale so boring?
The day, the girls get Tyra Mail that has the word "Seventeen" in it. You know what that means! Today, both of the girls are shooting for Seventeen magazine. Whoever wins the show will have the shot they shoot today featured on the cover of the magazine. The Seventeen crew comes out. This includes Atoosa Rubenstein, Editor-in-Chief; Beau Quillian, Style Director, who looks absolutely humiliated and pissed off to be there; and photographer George Holz. Jay introduces them all and takes off. Caridee tells us that she loves the camera and always has had a passion for it. However, she was weird-looking and had her skin disease, so she never thought she would make it in the modeling industry. Caridee is weird-looking? Really? Atoosa says that Caridee is more than just a pretty girl. She's strong, she's confident, she's come out. And what better way to emphasize these points than to have her pose with a lollipop?
Then there's Melrose, who gets Caridee's lollipop sloppy seconds. They couldn't buy two lollipops? Melrose says that her gut says she freaked out the first week, but has been really trying her best. And she still didn't lose it when there was so much "personality questioning" going on. She says she feels like she found herself again this week, and really proved that she can do this. Atoosa says that Melrose has a unique look. She does? Atoosa adds that Melrose doesn't look like any other girl, and that this could work to her advantage. I don't find Melrose unique or interesting-looking at all. I mean, I think it's fair to highlight some of her strengths, but I don't know that that's a direction I would have gone in.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail: "Not every couch in the modeling biz is the casting couch. It's time to pick your brain to see if you have what it takes to become America's Top Model." I bet they're going to give them an IQ test, and if they score too high on it, they can't win.
Actually, Melrose and Caridee go to meet Tyra and her friend/frequent talk-show guest/life coach, Dr. Michelle. Dr. Michelle asks Caridee how she'll manage the stress if she wins ANTM. Caridee says that she can manage stress well, because she's been critiqued and made fun of her whole life. Because of the psoriasis! She says that she never let it stop her, but that it did take a toll on her self-esteem. Dr. Michelle notes that Caridee is really outgoing now, and asks whether she was that way when other people teased her all the time. Caridee says that she's always been really happy. Um, except for that time she tried to kill herself and all. But anyway, she's always been really happy, and she thinks that her humor has taken away her sadness.
Then there's Melrose. Dr. Michelle asks what is the biggest change that she's seen in herself during this process. Melrose says that she's come back into who she is. She was trying to fit in so much that she probably wasn't being herself. Dr. Michelle asks what are some things that Melrose would change about herself. Melrose says that sometimes the way she says things doesn't come off right. Dr. Michelle says it was great that Melrose acknowledged that there's a place where she can change. Okay, that's because you just ASKED HER what she would CHANGE. God.
Meanwhile, the girls head to Parc Guell, which Kevin, a lovely reader, sent me an email about. It looks like a big-ass cave, but he had this to say: "I went to Barcelona last year, and Parc Guell also, and that cave is really wide open on one side. You couldn't tell because it was dark, but those walkways are to either side of a massive -- and massively gorgeous -- staircase. It's kind of like those porticos that are all the rage in Bologna, but the supports are Gaudi instead of archy." Jay then drops the news to the girls that they are going to be -- I shit you not -- "ghostly brides." Dani(ell) will be there to open the show, and as the show progresses, each walk will get more theatrical. For the last walk, the girls will tear through like...well, crazy ghost brides. Yeah. I know. You know what the world doesn't see enough of? Ghost brides. Mommy, I want a ghost bride for Christmas! In any case, Miss J. runs through like a crazy ghost bride, and Jay tells the girls that they should be in their own cuckoo crazy world. Um, check.
The girls prepare for the show. Melrose loves the hair and makeup and thinks that this is a really cool idea. Well, there's your first sign that it's retarded. Melrose says that she's looking at Caridee, and thinks that she can stand out stronger. Caridee mutters to herself, "It's just walking," and Dani(elle) tells her not to be nervous. Caridee says that she hasn't had much contact with Melrose, because she's going to kick her ass. Then Tyra comes backstage, calls herself "Frankenstein," and talks to some little girls in Spanish. Is there anything she can't do? Tyra tells Caridee her problem is that she needs longer and leaner steps. Melrose has a good walk, but her problem is her dead face. Tyra settles in the audience with the rest of the judges. This runway show is whack, dude. ["It really was the least effort ever expended to make the runway show look at all legit. Compare this crap to theProject Runwayfinale, where there aren't cameras a foot in front of the judges to capture their reactions because that's where the MODELS ARE WALKING, where the models can actually walk, and where the audience isn't made up of people who look like they were rounded up from a local McDonald's. Come on, show." -- Wing Chun]
Jay tells the girls to keep their energy up, and that this is really about creating a scene. Melrose says that the nerves have really kicked in, and that the battle of the blondes is in full effect right now. Caridee says that she knows Melrose isn't as strong as she tries to appear, and that this is hers. The models line up, and Jay tells them to stomp it out and make it work. Like a ghost bride. Commercials.
When we return, Melrose says that this might be the coolest thing she's ever done. To be a ghost bride, that is. Caridee tells us that this is the last chance she and Melrose have to strut their stuff and each prove that they can become America's Top Model. And with this, the fashion show commences. Two ghostly flower girls sprinkle flower petals on the runway before some scary music makes them run off and Dani(elle) comes walking out, all ghostly and bridal. Pretty dress. Then Melrose heads out. She looks pretty good, and Tyra gives a "Nice!" There is, like, Gregorian chanting happening and slow-motion footage of people in the audience holding candles. Now, come on, does that really need to be in slow-mo? Caridee comes out . And seriously, girl is not the greatest walker who's ever lived. There are some real models in the show who put them all to shame.
For the pass, the models have to stare each other down. Caridee goes out first and looks crazy. She has a little of the mean face going on. Melrose comes stomping toward her and the two face off. Melrose looks like a hunchback and/or Snoopy when he pretends he's a vulture. Fierce! And then, when Caridee and Melrose turn to go their separate ways after the face-off, this happens: Caridee steps on the train of Melrose's dress, and it rips. We hear an exaggerated ripping sound, which I'm sure was put in during post-production, but the point is well taken anyway. Melrose is piiiiiiiiissed. I think the designer should be the pissed one. There's a big-ass hole in the dress. Tyra thinks that whatever Melrose did was hot. Meanwhile, in a side plot that absolutely no one cares about, Miss J. runs off. When Melrose gets backstage, she is all atwitter and upset. She tells Jay that Cari ripped the fucking dress, and Jay tells hrt not to worry about it. Melrose is freaking out. Caridee is all like, "It was an accident, you ghostly bitch." She says that she's sorry, and Melrose is all, "Well snit snit snit sorry doesn't change anything snit." Jesus.
Anyway, it is now time for the models to go out and make their crazy scene. We hear a scream, and Miss J. is the first to run through the runway and act all crazy and screaming and ghostly and bridely. The audience -- or, the five people who they've paid to come and bear witness to this spectacle -- actually laughs. Melrose goes , and screams and is crazy, and again, the audience is like, "WTF?" or whatever the Spanish equivalent is. More running and screaming. Caridee is , and looks like a total idiot. Even Tyra and the judges laugh at her. Finally, it's time for the finale walk, which Dani(elle) leads. Tyra stands up and motions for Dani(elle) to put her hands on her hips. Awww, she's still a Model In Training. At the very end, Melrose and Caridee face each other and strike some weird poses and then...they disappear! Oh, if it were only for good and the recap could end here. Even a lowly recapper can dream, can't she?
And I mean, seriously, this might have been the dumbest thing ever.
Melrose tells us that she should be America's Top Model, because with all of the conditions and disastrous experiences, her performance rocked. Caridee says that she just wants to make it to the top, and prove it to everyone who doubted her. She hopes that she wins.
And then suddenly we are at judging! You know, Caridee is about a head and a half taller than Melrose. They are no longer dressed as ghost brides, thank goodness. Tyra actually looks decent, too. There are prizes: a contract with Elite, a cover and six-page spread in Seventeen, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl. There are also judges, and today they include Jay Manuel. That's fair. What's not fair is his blinding pink blazer. Put it away, queen.
The judges review footage of the girls walking. Twiggy says that Melrose was wonderful. She showed the dresses and looked very confident. Tyra says that she didn't overcompensate and give ugly facial expressions. She looked like a real model. Nigel could see photograph after photograph in the crazy acting segment, and Miss J. notes that she did particularly well considering that the dress she was wearing was a little too big for her. Jay says that she was so graceful and beautiful, and Twiggy says she looked like she was floating.
And then, Caridee. She sucked, yo. Miss J. says that she needs to keep it pretty, simple, and strong. Nigel says that she loses herself, and looked better when she walked into judging. Tyra says that Caridee looked like she was holding her breath. And as far as the theatrical segment, Nigel says that it was all theatrics and no modeling. She also held the dress up the whole time so that no one could see what it looked like, and had a really ugly facial expression. Twiggy says that what Caridee has naturally is so wonderful, and Jay says that she has to trust in her beauty. He notes that she's handling standing in front of the judges -- which seems like it would be a more stressful situation -- better than she handled the runway show.
And then Tyra reminds us that the competition is not just based on the final runway show, but on the girls' overall performance in the competition. And then we take a trip down memory lane. We had supermodel stereotypes, in which Caridee's dumb blonde got raves. This was the shoot where Melrose sucked. Ha! Jay says that he thought she'd be gone that week. Then we see the celebrity couples shoot, in which both girls excelled. Then they posed with Fabio for a romance novel cover. Caridee was nice and gentle slash vulnerable-looking, whereas Melrose was sexy without looking raunchy. There were also the black and white photos Tyra shot. Caridee's rocked, and Melrose's was just okay. Nigel says that this was where he first saw that Melrose is a perfectionist, and also started to question whether she had natural ability. There was the matador shoot. Miss J. thinks it's strong and Nigel loves it, which is a bit of a change of tune from the first time they saw it. Jay Manuel says that this was reminiscent of the Caridee that they met in judging with the garter on her leg. Oooh, I forgot about that. Caridee says that she has really been trying to tone down the sex. Tyra says that Caridee doesn't even have a big booty and breasts like Tyra herself does, but that she has to think about how to do things to take that sexiness away, or she'll look like she belongs in a men's magazine. Melrose's matador shot was okay. And finally, Caridee rocked the Cover Girl ad, whereas Melrose was tight around the mouth and a bit plain in her expression. Tyra notes that Caridee excelled in the Cover Girl ad, while Melrose didn't, and on the runway Melrose excelled, while Caridee was actually pretty terrible. So the judges have a lot to think about. Or so they claim. I mean, come on.
Nigel says that they've got two blondes, but that they're two completely different girls. Melrose takes great photos, but doesn't have the same wow factor as Caridee. Miss J. says that's because she knows everything and has studied it. Too technical, as they like to say. Tyra says that Melrose has a history of the other girls not liking her, and that maybe it's jealousy. Jay says that they're chastising Melrose for the very things they ask of the girls in the competition: intelligence (well, I don't know about that one) and knowledge of the fashion industry. Nigel says that he really sees the passion in Caridee. Twiggy agrees, but says that Caridee is a bit of a loose cannon. She laughs again at Caridee's performance on the runway, and says that Melrose was amazing. Miss J. acknowledges that Caridee was busted. Jay says that the fashion industry loves extremes, and that Caridee is extreme. There are designers out there who would love her. Miss J. then calls her the Runaway Bride of Chucky, which is actually pretty funny. Tyra says that they have one girl who knows fashion and is strong, but might not be likable. Then there's another girl with a pureness and lightness, and who also takes great pictures, but is unpredictable slash unstable. Nigel asks whether being unpredictable is a bad thing, and Jay asks how many of the folks at the table are predictable. Tyra says, kind of charmingly, "I'm not unpredictable, child. You know I'm gonna have a hair weave, a bunch of makeup on, and a dress that's cinched at my waist." Heh.
Caridee and Melrose walk back in. They get a chance to say what the competition meant to them. Caridee loves the fashion industry and always wanted to model, but couldn't for part of her life. But now she's had the chance, and the judges believe in her. She thanks them. She's crying. Awww. Melrose says that she feels like she's having an "outer body experience." Hey, me too!
Anyway, America's Top Model is...Caridee. I mean, clearly. The best part of the whole thing is that Melrose is pissed. Like, visibly. She weeps and interviews that she gave her everything and that it wasn't enough, and what's more, she was called a bitch the whole way through. She totally looks like some evil Disney queen right now. She feels really misunderstood, and she's sad. She says that it's Bum City right now. I want to make an L on my forehead and sing the loser song as she exits. That's not very nice of me, is it?
Meanwhile, Caridee is happy. She's ScalyDee no longer! She has overcome the horrors of psoriasis, only to become prone to the horrors of becoming America's Top Model. Good for her? I think? But really, I am happy that she seems happy, and I think she's gorgeous, and we'll just wait and see if she starts to burn up the Paris runways anytime soon.
Thanks for reading, everyone! Happy holidays and have a wonderful, fierce New Year! I'm off to Aruba with my ghost bride. We're registered at Pottery Barn!