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The girls walk a tightrope -- literally, for runway training with Miss J., and figuratively, as the tension and bitchery between Monique and Melrose continues to escalate. Monique once again opts to slather the discharge of her private parts in close proximity to Melrose, and has garnered a reputation so diabolical that the other girls are afraid (a) she'll cut up all their clothes, or (b) throw lemonade on them in the middle of the night. You had never even imagined such horrors were possible, had you? The girls compete in a walking challenge, which A.J. wins; for her prize, she gets to walk in the Dennis Quaid (no, really) Celebrity Fashion Show in Austin, Texas. Yes, the day has come. Dennis Quaid has appeared on America's Top Model. Stock up on bottled water and baked beans, because the end is nigh. A.J. passes over hometown girl Brooke to share in her prize, which is kind of a dick move, but also kind of awesome. Meanwhile, Monique is sick enough to go to the hospital. Or, as they say in England, to hospital. Turns out she was dehydrated. Given how liberal she's been with spreading her fluids around, I'm not surprised. She makes the totally fatal decision to bag the week's runway-based photo shoot in favor of sleep. And speaking of the runway, the show does its best to flip a girl into a pool, and succeeds with Eugena. Well-deserved, I say. Also successful is Caridee's left breast, in its pixilated debut. The girls each have to walk with a fruit bowl on their heads (no, really) for the panel, but in the end it's the nut that's eliminated as Effing Monique goes home! It's kind of a happy moment, but also kind of sad, given that she was pretty great television. And finally, if you missed this episode, I strongly urge you to tune in to the rerun, if only so that you might see the estimable debut of Pastor J. and the Church of Fierce Bitches Singers. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: makeovers, bitches, tears. Monique was a fucking psycho. And, in sad news, cute, pixie-like Megan went back to San Fran. A finite number of sort-of-modelesque young women (and Melrose) remain!
It is night. As we enter the house, several of the girls are sliding down a makeshift ramp made of mattresses, using what appears to be a couch cushion to propel them. They are scantily clad, making this a set-up for a much different kind of show that might premiere on Cinemax After Dark. Caridee yells in a funny voice that she is the ultimate sliding champion, and interviews that being goofy is a good cure for nervous energy. I agree! The girls partaking of this fun activity are Caridee, Brooke, Jaeda, and a twin or two. Meanwhile (but secretly at another time, because we just saw Jaeda), Jaeda tells Melrose that she misses her hair, but as much as she wants it back, she's not going to get it back, and is just going to have to wait until it grows out. Jaeda says that she was in the bottom two last week, which is a lot of pressure. She says that she's there, getting a huge opportunity, and can't just screw it up because her hair isn't how she likes it. Finally, some sense! Though not for long, I'm sure. I have to say that Jaeda seems to have figured out a way to style her hair that makes her look a lot better.
Meanwhile, A.J., dressed as the Unabomber, is crying and looking in the mirror. Ah, practicing for the inevitable "emotive tears with Tyra" photo shoot while pretending to give a shit about the girl who just went home. Genius! She says, "I'm sad that Meg is gone." One can only hope that this is edited out of context from the near future, when Miss Rock N' Roll herself is ousted. A.J. says that there were way more deserving people who should have gone home. She interviews that Monique or Eugena should have gone home because they did, and still do, have terrible attitudes. Monique and Eugena should have to pack their bags and leave the face of the earth. Melrose tells A.J. that everyone is feeling the same way, and then adds, in this weird Midwestern accent, "Here's some love for ya." We forget, but Melrose is somewhat insufferable. Melrose tells us that Monique has lashed out at everyone in the house in a different way. Well, variety is the spice of bitch, after all. Melrose says that everyone but Eugena hates Monique, which really sounds like the natural course of events.
Tyra Mail in the limo! And it's old-school Tyra Mail, not the fancy magazine subscription-card one: "Watch your step because your butt is on the line." Someone conjectures that they're going bungee-jumping, and someone else screams like a lunatic. Melrose says that when they get Tyra Mail, she always tries to think about what it might apply to, because nothing they do there is pointless. Melrose has a micro rather than macro point of view.
The girls arrive at some fancy estate-looking place, where they encounter Miss J. on a tightrope, wearing a tutu. That is just baiting someone into calling him Twinkle Toes. Cue to a Miss J. montage like they do every season, complete with Brooke's commentary that Miss J. is too fabulous and is also a royal mess. Brooke says that Miss J. also always has something up her (or his, you decide) sleeve for the girls. Unfortunately, it is usually not an icepick delivered to their skulls with force. Caridee quickly interviews that her first thought upon seeing Miss J. on the tightrope was that Caridee herself was not getting up there. Miss J. walks and chants the mantra, "Posture, balance. Balance, posture." Except with his enunciation, it comes out as "Pasta balance." Mmm, I'm hungry. Miss J. walks the tightrope to great applause from the girls, and then introduces them to "the masters of the wire," Richard and Alex. Richard and Alex are going to set the girls up to walk the rope, which will help them be able to walk anything else.
Caridee is first. She interviews that she can't walk a straight line when she's dead sober, so how the hell is she going to walk a half-inch rope? She falls into either Richard's or Alex's arms, which they totally love, and is kind of charming about it. Caridee, despite her complete lack of knowledge on how to style her hair, is pretty hot. She says that, right now, she's not thinking about being on top (which I guess gives us one answer to the ubiquitous theme song's question), but just wants to make it to the round.
Then we get Anchal, Megg, and a focused-looking A.J. Richard/Alex says that they should be able to see something on the outside. A.J. asks, "Like what?" and Richard/Alex says, "Like you're having fun." Honey, A.J. hasn't had fun once in her life, and certainly isn't going to start now. Richard/Alex adds, "No whining in modeling," and A.J. whines in response.
Eugena is , and interviews that, last week at the eliminations, Tyra told her to show her emotions. We flash to Panel, at which Tyra basically just says that Eugena has a lot of bad photos. Revisionist history! I'm not surprised.
Amanda tells us that she and her sister have always had problems with their feet. Michelle is apparently really flat-footed, and perhaps pigeon-toed. Good times.
Then there is Eugena, and then Brooke, who seems rather comfortable. Something tells me that Brooke might have had a shitload of gymnastics lessons, or at least had a lot of "Get in Shape, Girl" accessories in her youth.
Melrose is and is apparently not thrown off by her side-leaning pink beret. Richard/Alex notes that Melrose is perfect. Monique then interviews that Melrose thinks she's so perfect, but that she's not. Well, she is according to Richard/Alex!
Monique is , and tries to "sell it." Melrose interviews that she just tries to avoid Monique. She wishes Monique wasn't there, but she is, and so Melrose (and everyone else in the house) (and the production crew) (and the writers and editors who have access to all of the raw footage) (and us at home) has to deal with it. Monique interviews that Melrose has to be the best all the time, but that Monique is working to get better and prove that she has Top Model potential.
Home. More Tyra Mail! "We all love to be in an expensive designer frock, but tomorrow you'll rock your own line." It's so close to being a rhyming couplet, yet also so far. Meanwhile, Melrose -- wearing a brown beret this time -- gets on the phone and calls her mom. And then who should barge into the phone room but Monique, saying that she called first for the phone. Melrose tells Monique that she'll be off of the phone in twenty minutes. She should tell Monique to fuck off, but that's another story. Monique says that she called for it and shouldn't have to wait, and Melrose does something perfectly awesome by lowering her voice just a little and saying, "See, Mom, this is the girl I was talking about." HA! Monique just stands there like a chump. She turns around and stands in the doorway, attempting to get some sympathy from the other girls, and Melrose just hauls the door closed on her ass. Brooke asks them not to start anything, and interviews that the drama is overwhelming.
When Melrose is finally off the phone, Monique kind of body-checks her en route to the phone booth. Melrose just cackles and walks away. Melrose is wearing a miniskirt made of upholstery. Monique calls her mom and says that she's about to fuck a girl up, and then interviews that she has never despised anyone in her life as much as she despises Melrose. And I'm not really a Melrose enthusiast per se, but I will give Monique that this is probably because no one has ever called Melrose on her shit and then given it right back in the eye. Monique recounts the door slam to Eugena. Eugena interviews that Monique is stressed out and can't control her emotions, and that this whole thing might be too much for her. Monique notes that all the girls are bitches and hos. You can't argue with that logic.
And then, this. Monique and Eugena are doing their hair. No wonder Monique feels like she has free rein to do all sorts of things, when her initial archnemesis rolled over and became her lapdog. Monique says something about having musty arms, which is a great lead-in to her noting that Melrose thinks Monique's a big monster. Monique wonders what Melrose would do if Monique went over to Melrose's bed and made a big sawing motion. Monique asks Eugena, "You dare me to? You dare me to?" Eugena does not dare her to, but perhaps a little voice in Monique's head does. Hey, whatever works. Melrose settles in for a good night's sleep, unaware of Monique's nefarious plans. Monique laughs like the maniac she is and says, "I'm gonna take my undies and rub them all over the bed." Eugena says, "You are so bad." Really, the only appropriate response in this situation is "Bitch, what the fuck is wrong with you?" And then Monique actually takes off her underwear (or perhaps her bathing suit bottom) and runs, under the cover of darkness (until the camera crew shines a spotlight on her), and, indeed, rubs her underwear on Melrose's bed. And as my girlfriend pointed out, Monique has kind of just let us know that she has some nasty, crusty underwear. Because otherwise, the whole thing just wouldn't work. To which I say: grody.
Melrose pops up and notes that Monique just wiped something on her bed. Jaeda wakes up to note that the whole thing is icky. Monique runs back to Eugena and says that she, indeed, rubbed it all over Melrose's sheets. I can't believe I'm typing this. Wing, can I please start recapping, like, Masterpiece Theater or something? ["You say that now, and then you'll get to the scene in Pride & Prejudice where Elizabeth shoots a snot rocket at Miss Darcy and beg me to give you Top Model back." -- Wing Chun] Eugena, to her credit, looks pretty horrified. Monique cackles like the person in that "They're coming to take me away, ha ha, hee hee," song. Sadly, no one is actually coming to take her away. ["Yet! Spoiler." -- Wing Chun] Jaeda reiterates that Monique is gross. She interviews that Monique is crazy, and that all the girls are afraid that Monique will do something like chop up all of their clothes. Caridee interviews that Monique is capable of anything, and says she hates that Monique is in the house. Anchal wakes up to say that she is afraid Monique might come in the middle of the night and throw lemonade on her. They're in fear for their lives, and the worst thing they can think of that Monique might do is throw lemonade on them? I mean, sticky, but still. Monique continues to do her hair and says to herself, "Yes, yes, yes. What else can I do?" Hold me through the commercials, everyone. I'm scared.
When we return, it is daylight, and Melrose is wearing the same ugly upholstery skirt and a weird slutty crocheted tank top. She looks like a hooker working a day job at Jo-Ann Fabrics. Monique explains to Anchal that, around 11, she wiped "her little thingy" on Melrose's bed. Her little thingy, eh? And here Melrose thought that Monique was playing leapfrog with the bed. Monique, it must be added, is wearing a shirt with the price tag still on. And her bra hanging out. I am not surprised on either count. Anchal interviews that Melrose and Monique are always going at it, and that they're both really immature. The girls are standing in front of the mirror in this order: Monique, Anchal, Melrose. Monique says, as if Melrose isn't there, that if Melrose doesn't bother Monique, Melrose won't have any problems. Melrose notes that everything's a big deal with Monique. She interviews that it's hard to deal with someone who has no respect or compassion for other people, and then tells Michelle that she knows how to defend herself, because she's been attacked by girls many times in her life. Somehow, this does not surprise me. Melrose makes the good point that Monique is doing this because it's the only way she has to get attention, given that her personality sucks. Melrose says that she's not going to make up with Monique, because their rivalry is making Monique compete worse. They're like Evert-Navratilova circa 1982, but much less dykey.
Meanwhile, it's finally time for the damn challenge. Brooke says that she interpreted their Tyra Mail to mean that they'd be designing their own dresses and walking in them. Well, it's the best you can expect from a high-school dropout. The girls go to some ornate house with a cobblestone bridge and walkway, where Miss J. meets them in a drag queen's interpretation of a Shirley Temple dress. He looks like a big chocolate-covered cherry. Or, rather, a cherry-covered chocolate. Wearing a mask. A cherry-covered chocolate on Halloween. Michelle says that every time they see J., he's in something more radical and hilarious. I think all the commentary around how awesome J. is is trying to make us forget how much we can't stand him anymore. You know who I can stand, though? The twins. They look so pretty in this episode. J. prances down a big line of police "do not cross" caution tape, which should really surround him wherever he goes.
J. tells the girls that their balance is going to be put to the test, and then for no reason at all introduces Season 5's Bre, who is apparently "one of the best walkers" the show's ever had. Bre stomps down the cobblestones, but is not even close to the caution tape. What's up with that? And on a similar note, what's up with her giant fro Ronald McDonald hair? J. tells the girls that they have to walk a straight line and be poised and balanced while dealing with the cobblestones, and masks. They get about five minutes each to strip down and get into yet another ugly dress and heels, and also each accessorize themselves with a mask, which apparently makes it very hard to see. I wish one of them had a Richard Nixon mask. Maybe A.J.
The girls start to walk. Amanda is first and is a disaster. Bre laughs. Not so fast, there, Krusty the Clown. Amanda has your granola bar in her cleavage. Then there is the hunchback of Notre Dame, a.k.a. Megg. Then Michelle. Miss J. says that Michelle needs to walk like a girl, but a sexy girl. A.J. looks pretty good, despite having scabby legs and, perhaps, cankles. She interviews that she naturally walks in a straight line. Fascinating. Jaeda does pretty well, but needs to go faster. Monique actually looks okay, and says that she knows she needs to step it up. Melrose is going along okay, but then stumbles. Bre tells her that it's okay, and to recover. I'm sorry, but name one real runway show Bre has appeared in. Can't they ever get a legitimate expert? Miss J. says that Melrose stumbled but didn't recover like a model should have. And then Melrose is, like, crying on a bench. WTF? Monique laughs and mocks her in an interview. You can't blame her for that one. Miss J. tells Eugena to walk like she's going through hell in gasoline-soaked pajamas. He notes that she has one of the safest walks, and hasn't stepped up to the plate yet. Then there is Brooke, who doesn't stumble, but still kind of looks ridiculous on account of the fact that she just isn't a model. Anchal has a bit of a hard time, and Caridee looks a straight fool. J. tells her that she is the sex kitten of the house right before he and Bre make fun of the little point thing she does at the end of the runway. Caridee is wearing a big feathered mask, though, and can't see it. I have a feeling that that's how she goes through life in general. For once, though, her weave doesn't look bad.
And then, this. Miss J. says that the winner of the challenge will get to fly the day to walk in the Dennis Quaid Charity Fashion Weekend, which raises money for children's charities in Austin, Texas. And, according to Wing Chun, supplies Dennis Quaid with a fresh source of impressionable tang. The girls for the most part are like, "...great," but Brooke shows particular excitement because Austin is her hometown. Miss J. says that A.J. is the winner of the challenge, and thus gets to choose two girls to model with her in the fashion show. A.J. picks Megg, whose reaction -- and only spoken parts in this show -- is as such: "I was like, 'Heaaaaaayahhhhh! Rock n' roll! This is so rad! Let's go!'" Oh, poor, somewhat adorable dumb-ass. Let's just say that if Megg were at KFC, she'd give a quarter and her order -- small fries, Big Mac. Megg be illin'. A.J. interviews that Brooke was begging to be taken home to Texas, but A.J. was basically like, "Tough titty, hicksville," and chose Caridee instead. Bitchy, yet awesome. Brooke cries a little and says that it would have been nice to go home, because she loves Texas and it's her home state. Well, too bad.
Meanwhile, Monique is ill. And not just in the mental way that we already knew about. Maybe she has the plague. I mean, with her hygiene habits, I wouldn't be surprised. She's feverish and headachey, and Melrose conjectures that all the negative energy she put out there came and bit her on the ass in a way that caused some sort of deadly virus. I added the "deadly" in there, which is probably just wishful thinking.
The day, A.J., Megg, and Caridee go to LAX and fly out to Austin, Texas, home of many cool things. Though, it must be said, the Dennis Quaid Celebrity Fashion Weekend isn't one of them. Randy Quaid, however, is another story. The girls meet some former ANTM contestants, which, like, get some real models, Dennis Quaid. These include Rebecca, Coryn, April, Shannon, Mercedes, Brittany, and Camille, who tells them that every month she's in a different country. IN HER MIND. I mean, do they think that we don't follow these things? Caridee is a little intimidated by all of the marginally better models.
Meanwhile, Caridee -- who looks something fierce, I have to say -- meets Dennis Quaid. Dennis Quaid chomps on gum and undresses her with his eyes. Caridee is from a small town and thus is easily impressionable. Actor Greg Kinnear is also in the audience, for some unknown reason. The former Top Model girls walk, and remind us why none of them won. A.J. does a decent job on the runway, and notes that she is pretty bad-ass. Megg notes that when she got out there, she just wanted to rock n' roll. Caridee says that she got out there and hit the light, and has never had such a clear moment. Unfortunately, this moment of clarity did not involved the stunning realization that she can't walk for shit. Dennis Quaid follows her ass with his eyes. Caridee is grateful for the opportunity to come along, and says that no matter what happens , tonight she has fulfilled a part of her dream. To bang a celebrity who was hot eighteen years ago.
Back at home, there is Tyra Mail: "It's time to walk the plank." I wish. Amanda thinks that maybe they'll have to dress like pirates, and notes that she loves pirates. Who doesn't? Monique is still sick. Brooke asks if she can do anything to help her. Monique says that she doesn't really care. Nice. Brooke offers to bring some water, and Monique says that she doesn't want to have any, because she's afraid she'll throw it up. I don't want to see what sorts of filth and slime would come out of Monique's body. Eugena notes that Monique is getting sicker and sicker by the hour, and that she thinks Monique needs to go to the hospital. You know, I think that, secretly, Eugena poisoned Monique. It's the only thing that makes sense, in a number of contexts. And if that is indeed the case, good on you, Eugena! Monique does, indeed, go to the emergency room. Pretend that you care what happens to her for the span of a commercial break.
Meanwhile, Dani(elle) has her Seventeen shoot, which involves some sort of crazy messed-up hair, and TruBlend makeup. Maybe Cover Girl tests their products on Dani(elle) instead of on animals. Eh, I'm okay with that.
When we return, Monique says that her experience of the hospital was miserable. The doctor told her that she was dehydrated, and needed fluids fast. Well, if she hadn't spread them so liberally on the beds of others, none of this would have happened. Monique says that the whole experience was scary. Sadly, she is still alive.
The morning, Monique is drama-queening and lounging about. Melrose is first in the limo. Eugena tells Monique that she doesn't look good, and that maybe shouldn't go. Oh, that is total sabotage. She interviews that they all asked Monique if she was going to go to the shoot, and Monique said she was going to tough it out because she has to have a photo. Anchal interviews that she doesn't care if Monique is there or not. Hey, me neither. Monique says that she's going to have to grab some strength from somewhere. Maybe there are some crumbs underneath the throne?
Caridee, A.J. and Megg fly back and head straight to the photo shoot. Jay welcomes them and calls them the jet-set girls. The others arrive, and Jay tells them that they're going to be in a runway show, and that there will be a photographer in the pen at the end of the runway. That will be their photo shoot for the week. They will be outfitted by Charlie Altuna, their stylist, and also a Dynasty-era '80s throwback designer by the looks of it, and also a fish who wears glasses. Charlie's partner is named Emiliano. Charlie tells the girls that they have to be extremely careful, because a lot of the clothes are made of delicate organzas, which could easily rip. Sounds like a practical wardrobe choice. A.J. tells us that she's really pumped up, and feels like she owns the runway. Glad to see she's being consistent with that low self-confidence.
As the girls get made up, Monique is still all sicky sicky poo-poo. Eugena says that she's proud of Monique for coming, and then the thing you know, Monique approaches Jay to tell her tale of sickness. He tells her that if she wants to go back to the house and go to sleep, he'll have the driver come and pick her up. He says that she has to make the decision for herself, and she says that she'll go home. I love that Jay didn't even try to convince her to stay by laying out the obvious consequences, which are that she will most likely be eliminated. She's such a chump. Monique interviews that her heart and her mind wanted her to stay, but that her body vetoed that decision. Oh, please. I mean, I'm sure she's sick, but figure it out. Michelle hearkens back to poor, sick Danielle in Thailand, who went to the emergency room with dehydration issues, and then posed on an elephant the day and, you know, won the competition. Learn some lessons, bitches.
Jay has the girls see the runway, which is in the middle of a big-ass pool. The girls are not amused. Jay says that it's to entice the audience and make the experience something new and special. And, also, to humiliate the girls. Jay says that he's walked the runway all day, and is fine. Well, that's certainly a matter of opinion. Jay tells us that this runway is not unrealistic, and that the girls have to be ready to do almost anything to sell a garment. The girls are outfitted in their Joan Collins castoffs. Caridee is still riding high from walking in the Austin show and riding Dennis Quaid. She's ready to rock it.
The crowd files in, and there is at least one token freak. Even freakier is the runway, which is made of giant Cracker Jack tilt to-and-fro cards. That shit is wobbly. Not nice. Brooke is up first and Jay notes that, while she was not fierce, she was relatively composed, particularly given how hard it was to be the first to go. Jaeda is , and is surprised by the tilty runway. Jay is impressed at the way she held her composure. is Anchal, who looks ridiculous. Then there is Caridee, whose boob is totally out. Everyone laughs, and Jay yells that that's fashion. Charlie Altuna says that it's so Paris. Paris, the City of Boobs. Boob aside, Caridee looks pretty ridiculous, and Jay says that Miss J. would die in horror if he saw her. Caridee says that all she was thinking was to get back dry. Megg has no energy, and Miss J. wonders if she was asleep. Jay says that A.J.'s pose on the runway was breathtaking. Michelle also owned the end of the runway, and Amanda did well keeping up her pace. Eugena then comes out, and says that she wants to project some sort of emotion in each shot. What she actually projects is suckitude as she turns and slips off of one of the tilty to-and-fros. The crowd looks on with amused horror. Eugena says that she just kept going after she fell off, and points out that she's bleeding. Melrose worked it with confidence, even while wobbling. And then it's time for the finale walk, which is a riot given that the runway is really not big enough for two people, and also tilty. Jay says that if the girls were smart, they would push their counterpart off the runway. And then have a catfight in the pool, which would involve pulling chunks of weaves out. The clothes are begging for it.
After everything is done, Eugena says that Monique, in her illness, would not have been able to do the runway shoot given that the rest of the girls were all well and still sucked. Back at the house, Eugena recounts the night's events to Monique and notes that being on the runway was one of the hardest things she's ever done. Monique, lying on the bean bag bed that she eschewed mere days ago, says that she would have failed because she's so weak. And such an asshole.
There is Tyra Mail. Someone is going home.
The morning, an underwear-clad Caridee tells a few of the other girls, none of whom is Monique, that she's glad they came into her life, and that it's great to meet girls who are real. Jaeda says that she doesn't know who's going home. If it was based on yesterday's runway performance, she says, it would probably be Eugena. The girls talk about Monique's situation. Michelle says that, were she as sick as Monique, she would have stayed at the shoot. Melrose says that she'd be puking in a bucket backstage, but would have stayed. Cut to Monique sitting outside, wrapped up in a blanket with a giant sun hat on, reading the Bible. I believe it is Leviticus 5:12 that reads, "Thou shalt wipeth the stain of thy human bits on thine neighbor's comforter." Melrose says, kind of awesomely, "I mean, maybe God's place for Monique just isn't here."Monique has a tear streaming down her face. She says that she's never been sick like this before, and doesn't know what she's going to tell the judges. "But you can't eliminate me! I'm the queen of the throne!" is probably not the best place to start. Commercials.
When we come back, it's time for Panel, featuring a talking Tyra sausage. Seriously, they shrink-wrapped that dress on her. There are prizes, there are judges. Charlie Altuna is the guest judge. For this week's challenge, the girls each have to balance a fruit bowl, full of fruit, on their heads as they walk the runway to the panel. Amanda is no good, and Anchal sucks worse. Megg cracks herself up. Michelle is gangly, as usual. A.J. is pretty good, and Jaeda rocks it. She must have some kind of flat head. Melrose poses it up. Eugena is slow but doesn't drop the bowl. Caridee has to make her bowl into a hat, because the posture and balance just aren't happening. Monique seems to be feeling better, even though the bowl falls. Brooke's bowl falls off her head right away, but she stomps forward nonetheless, saying, "You make it work!" The Twig laughs.
Evaluations. Jaeda is first. Tyra doesn't think Jaeda's pose is working, but Twiggy says that she wants the outfit, so the shot works for her. Tyra just hates Jaeda.
Amanda was no good with the fruit bowl, but her runway photo shot is great.
The judges think Michelle didn't care about the fruit-bowl challenge. Perhaps this is why I relate to her so much. Her photo is f-i-e-r-c-e, but Twiggy notes that she is ungainly in person, to the point of making Twiggy a little uncomfortable. Gangly people always give me the willies, too.
Twiggy loves Megg's personality, and Miss J. imitates her signature, "Rock n' roll!" scream. Megg's photo is a little funny in the mouth.
Caridee messed up a lot with the fruit, but she had fun with it, which indicated that she cared. Tyra asks her why she's so connected to a Pollyanna look, and Caridee does some quick hair work before saying, "I smell what you're stepping in." Is this some weird Midwestern saying generated from an overabundance of cow dung? Yikes. Caridee has one eye closed in her photo, but Tyra loves the shot and compares her to Karolina Kurkova. Tyra tells her to balance having fun on the runway with selling the clothes. Of course, this brings us all back to Tyra, who had fun on the runway while still being mindful of the clothes, and thus continued her streak of being the best, once again, as always, and forever.
Monique is , and Twiggy calls her vacant. The British have trouble recognizing crazy eyes. Monique says that she's really sick and weak, and Nigel tells her to get a better game face. No sympathy! Yes! Tyra tells her that the fashion industry doesn't care if she's sick. You know who else doesn't care? The world. Unless Monique has the bird flu, in which case we should all fear for our lives. Tyra notes that Monique didn't do the photo shoot, which is a big part of the judges' evaluation, but that they'll take into account her photos, challenges, overall performance, and potential. Monique tells the panel that she really wants to be there, and that she feels she has the potential to be a top model. In vain! In vain!
Melrose is and gets raves all around, I'm sure much to the chagrin of Monique.
Nigel calls Brooke a fruit and nut, but says he loves that. Everyone loved her fruit-bowl walk. Brooke's photo, in my opinion, is not the greatest, but she has great wind in her hair.
A.J. had a zen-like fruit-bowl walk, and also, of course, was the challenge winner. Her photo is awesome.
Then there's Anchal, who didn't try very hard on the fruit-bowl thing. Her photo gets mixed reviews, and Nigel says that she's lucky the outfit has such structure that it makes her look good.
And then there's Eugena, who is bad all around. She notes that she slipped and fell on the runway. No one really cares. Twiggy thinks she looks withdrawn and has dead eyes, as usual. Mr. Jay also left word that she was the worst of the day. Oh no!
The judges deliberate. Michelle looks incredible in her photo, but needs to be stronger in person. Jaeda, says Nigel, showed the biggest improvement of the week. Amanda is interesting, but Twiggy says that her "quirky body" needs more work in person. Charlie thinks that Anchal is unique, and notes that there aren't many Indian supermodels. Twiggy says that Anchal was very nervous and then adds in the voice that Sharon Osbourne uses when talking to her dogs that Anchal is "not a happy bunny." The judges are so weird. On A.J., Twiggy says that if someone had told her A.J. was a model just signed to a major agency, she would have believed it. Megg is a mess. Tyra asks why she likes her, and Nigel says it's because she's got "that cuteness" about her. She really does. Despite myself, I kind of like Megg too. Miss J. does the "Rock n' roll!!!" mockery again. The Twig liked what Brooke did in her challenge, and Charlie once again notes the wind in the hair. Keep the wind in the competition, then. Nigel thinks that Melrose really looks like a model, with a strong face and good body language. Eugena sucks, and Nigel says that she's like a dead fish. Tyra likes Caridee's picture, but Charlie notes that she seems like she'd be all over the place. Miss J. thinks she's kookoo.
And then, Monique. Nigel and Tyra say a few nice words about her, and then Tyra notes that Monique's making it all about her sickness, when sick-making factors such as stress and pressure and fear and the like probably play a role. ["Especially when her sickness was dehydration. Hello, it's called drink some water, crazy. You bring that on yourself!" -- Wing Chun] Miss J. dramatically waves his hand around. And then, the greatest thing that the judges have ever done (except maybe for the time Janice molested Tyra) happens. Miss J. starts pounding the table and gospel-singing a song called "She Don't Want To Be Here, Send Her Home." The whole panel starts pounding the table, and then Tyra starts singing, and even Twiggy gets a line. Tyra is, of course the loudest, perhaps because she wants to remind us why she's no longer pursuing a recording career. Nonetheless, the whole bit is awesome.
The girls file back in. There are eleven. But in a few moments, there will be ten. These bitches are safe: A.J., Jaeda, Brooke, Anchal, Michelle, Melrose, Megg, Amanda, and finally Caridee, who says, "Thank you for believing in me." Tyra snaps back, "Oh gosh, Jade." Cut to a "thank you for believing in me" Jade montage. Oh, I miss that delusional bitch. So this leaves Eugena and Monique. And Monique goes home! Yes! But also, nooooooooo! Who will do the crazy shit from now on? Ah, well. ["Oh, someone will. This show abhors a bitch vacuum." -- Wing Chun] Monique is characteristically ungracious and walks right out without hugging the other girls or Tyra. Monique says that Melrose is going to have a party at Monique's ouster and will "bust out the celebration hats and horns." It totally makes sense that, at parties where Monique is from, people wear horns. That's the part Monique hates most, because she doesn't want to give Melrose the satisfaction of her leaving. See, that's totally her problem. She's way more focused on the bitchery with Melrose than she was on the competition, and got wigged out. She says that the whole experience was a waste of time.
Coming up: lots of girls in the shower which, for some reason pisses off Melrose. ["See?" -- Wing Chun] And then Melrose talks shit about Anchal while Anchal is listening. D'oh!