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This week is all about "the dark side of modeling," so we get an actress being fake-mean to the girls, as Janice Dickinson plays a brutal agent, talking about the good old days, when she fell off the runway and into Sophia Loren's lap, and Tyra and the rest of the judges being meaner than usual to the girls at Panel. Jade surprisingly keeps her cool best with the fake-mean agent (who apparently read the ANTM forums for research), and, therefore, wins yet another challenge. She picks Nnenna to share in the prize, which is a visit from a loved one. Or, in Nnenna's case, her boyfriend John. At a shoot for Pantene, the girls dress up as different types of dolls, and later they work with Tyra on a shoot in which they have to cry (with the help of a tear stick) but remain beautiful. But the real action comes halfway through the episode, when Jay announces that the girls are all getting trips to the dentist. Most are just having their teeth whitened, but Danielle and Joanie are slated for more work -- a gaposcopy and snagglectomy, respectively. Watching Joanie's plight, we are all reminded about just how gross and horrible dentistry is, as she has four teeth pulled and the rest filed down for veneers. Watching the procedure makes me want to throw up, but the results are pretty good. Danielle, on the other hand, refuses to have her gap filled, saying that she loves it, because it's part of what makes her who she is. I think this is awesome of her, but the judges disagree. Nonetheless, it is Jade, whose totally fake display of emotion at Panel the judges see right through, who lands in the final two with an ultimately doomed Brooke. Brooke is finally so wrong, she's wrong, and is sent packing. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously: Nnenna verbally bitch-slapped her whiny loser boyfriend on the phone over and over again, until we hated them both. More. Jade swirled and twirled to success on the runway and krumped like a whore worthy of Charlie Sheen to impress all with her photo shoot. And Leslie of the weird posture and boring edit was sent home. Seven bitches remain! And one of them will be approximately one snaggletooth lighter at the end of the hour.
The bitches hang out at the House of Haunted Headless Horror after eliminations. Joanie interviews that she's been getting praise from Tyra, and that her krumping photo was amazing. She's proud of herself, and notes that she finally "came out number one." Unlike, say, in her fifth-grade English class. Brooke, on the other hand, notes that Tyra has said that none of her photos has come out well. Except for that last one, which the judges loved, remember? Oh, suspicious edit, how I recognize thee instantly. Brooke thinks that she needs to step it up.
In news that will totally shock you, Nnenna is on the phone with her loser boyfriend, John. He says that he never accused her of anything, and only told her that he was hurt. Oh, yay, another loving and rational conversation. Furonda tells us that Nnenna and John are having some problems, which all started when Nnenna kissed Vaughn, the male model on the "career day" photo shoot. I have a feeling that the problems started way before that -- perhaps when John hit puberty, and the first hairs of his scraggly moustache made their entrance into this world. John yells that he was feeling bad because he missed Nnenna, dammit. Nnenna interviews that her problem with John is that he misses her and doesn't know how to deal with it. I think what she means to say is that he's a needy fink. Nnenna says that she realizes there's nothing she can do about it, because John's at home and she's there. Well, she could maybe stop calling him, or at least do so under the cover of darkness, so that we didn't have to see it every freaking episode. If I want to see a bad relationship play out, I'll just unpack some repressed memories from my childhood, thanks. Furonda says that Nnenna needs to resolve this shit, or it's going to affect her performance in the competition.
The girls head to Strausberg Advertising and Design, where they meet photographer Jeff Lorch. He says that they're standing in the building of one of the world's most influential ad agencies, and are going to have the opportunity to meet one of the industry's most sought-after creative directors. It then appears that he says that "de priest," who they are going to meet, has launched the career of many a top model. And, I guess when you think about it, a lot of models kind of look like prepubescent boys, so this makes sense, sort of. Jeff then says that he'll take their portfolios back to "de priest," and that the girls will go to a back room to meet with "de priest" one on one. And then de priest and de rabbi walk into a bar. Jeff says, we learn from the girls, that they are there for a potential commercial booking. Nnenna interviews that she's usually pretty comfortable and confident in an interview situation. She is first to meet de priest, who is, in fact, only a priest if priests are, in fact, crazy middle-aged lady bitches. And if that is true, then I guess they all report to Pope Janice Dickinson. Turns out, it's actually a woman named Deprise.
Deprise starts off by telling Nnenna that her stomach looks big in her photos and asking to see it. Nnenna, who does not have a big stomach, obliges, and says that she's not sure what's going on in her African picture to make her stomach look big. In a mean, matter-of-fact way, Deprise says that the flab is not just limited to the picture. She then tells Jeff that Nnenna looks like a transvestite. Deprise says this right in front of Nnenna, which is kind of awful and kind of awesome. Awfsome. Nnenna interviews that she thinks she's cute and doesn't look at all like a drag queen.
We take a small break from the action as Deprise introduces herself to the home audience. Turns out she is Deprise Brescia, actress and former model, and that she's only pretending to be a mean, nasty agency director. Get out! I never would have suspected that twist after it happened in every other season! She's going to give the girls some really harsh criticism about their looks to see how they react. This is a challenge to see how the girls handle the more brutal side of modeling. The girls of Seasons 1 through 4 had this same challenge every week when they went to Panel.
Furonda is , wearing a wifebeater that reads "quitters never win." She could wear a wifebeater that reads, "fuglies never win," but in the case of this show, that wouldn't be true. Deprise tells Furonda that she looks anorexic.
Deprise then disparagingly points out the gap in Danielle's two front teeth. Afterward, Danielle notes that she thinks Deprise was ragging on her. Deprise is actually not all that different than Tyra, we will soon come to learn.
Deprise points out to Sara that her bottom lip is a lot bigger than her top one. Deprise is really kind of spot-on with her criticism. Deprise notes that some of the girls got pretty shaken up. If this show is serious about seeing who can take harsh criticism, they might want to buy a webcam and sit these girls down in front of the forums for a few minutes.
Joanie learns that her ears are big.
Furonda's nose is difficult to photograph.
Joanie looks old in some of her shots. And, kind of, in life.
Deprise asks whether anyone's told Brooke that she photographs a little masculine, and adds that it's a bit disturbing. Brooke looks offended. Deprise asks her to smile. Brooke does, and then Deprise notes that smiling is not her strong point.
Deprise also asks Joanie why she's not smiling in any of her pictures, and says that it seems like Joanie's hiding something. Joanie voices over that people will often turn you down for modeling jobs if you don't have perfect teeth, and that's been true for her. She points out one of her best portfolio shots to date, and Deprise just says, "Yugh." She notes that Joanie was very affected by the criticism and had a hard time recovering.
Each girl has to take a smiling Polaroid "to keep on file." Deprise says that it's important to shake off the harsh criticism and do your job, and that the Polaroids will show whether the girls have been affected. Nnenna says that her smile in the Polaroid was fake, because there was nothing for her to be happy about. Brooke agrees that the situation was not pleasant.
The girls hang around and talk about the criticism they've just received. Nnenna says that she can't wait to see Jade. And, indeed, I figured that they only waited this long to show Jade because she was either really bad, or really good. Or that Jade actually killed Deprise, and the producers couldn't show any of it for liability reasons.
Jade goes in to meet Deprise. Danielle interviews that everybody was concerned about Jade and Deprise going head to head. Deprise tells Jade that she photographs really harsh. Jade calmly says, "Yes...my look is very versatile." Deprise counters, "Like a dude." See, that was also awfsome. Deprise makes fun of Jade's nose, and Jade just says that her look is like "Pow." I really do kind of think that Jade just might not understand what Deprise is actually saying to her, because she always responds with something that doesn't address the criticism at all. But, then again, maybe not. Jade interviews that Deprise was pretty cutthroat, but that she's dealt with that kind of "cutthroatingness." What Jade is saying is that she's cut a bitch. And, yet again, that she has only a nebulous command of the English language. Deprise tells Jade that she has a high forehead, and Jade counters that her features are very pronounced. Deprise goes, "Ha ha. Yeah." Jeff interviews that Jade just owns who she is, and that if you can turn criticism of you into something positive, you can change the mind of the person who is talking to you, and make him or her think differently of you. Jade takes her Polaroid, and cleverly covers the hat line on her forehead with her hand. She looks good, I have to say.
The girls all meet up with Deprise and Jeff, who let them in on the fact that Deprise is an actress. Danielle interviews that she didn't see that coming. Deprise apologizes and says that she felt guilty. Lies! The challenge was, of course, to see whether the girls could deal with harsh criticism and still be able to do their job and take a good photo. In case you didn't get that from the three times they've already said it. The winner of the challenge is Jade. Jeff notes that she didn't seem fazed by anything they threw at her. And whether this because she's dumb, or rabidly egotistical, or knew that Deprise was an actor, or is just good at taking criticism, you have to kind of hand it to her. I'm okay giving her some credit, because I'm sure she'll do something soon enough to make me despise her once more. And, sure enough, Jade does that thing where she pats herself on the shoulders to commend her own victory, and I am back to thinking that she's a big jerk. Still, that was six good seconds of respecting Jade I got in, there. It's a new world record! Jade chooses Nnenna to share in the victory, and Jeff tells them that they'll each have a big surprise waiting for them. Joanie interviews that she's not surprised about Jade's victory because Jade is used to being harsh, so she can handle someone being harsh to her.
When the girls get home, there are two giant boxes, one for Nnenna and one for Jade. Nnenna goes to touch hers, and Jade's box starts to move. Please let it be monsters! Jade goes around the back of the box and starts to squeal. But alas, it is a squeal of joy rather than terror, because the box holds Jade's mom, Diana. And if you think I'm going to rag on someone's mom, you've got me all wrong. Okay, unless that person is Tyra's mom. I'm not made of stone, people. Jade's mom is pretty. Jade gives her a big hug and starts crying. Awww, she's half-human. The contents of the other box are instantly recognizable by the scraggly 'stache and stinking aura of need. Yes, it is Nnenna's boyfriend, John. Karma, meet Nnenna. Brooke interviews that Jade's reaction to her mom was very sweet, and that she's never seen that side of Jade before. Of Nnenna, Brooke says, "Nnenna is hugging her boyfriend." We see an awkward and stony Nnenna being embraced by John. She can barely even look him in the eye. Oh, young lovers, together again. It really makes you believe in romance, doesn't it? Nnenna interviews that for a split second she was excited...because she thought it might be one of her sisters. Ouch. She says that was wishful thinking, because it turned out to be John. She says "John" with the same inflection that she would use to say "a box full of fresh shit." Nnenna describes her reaction to John as indifference. At least she's honest. Well, for the moment. Danielle interviews that John's being there is going to be difficult for Nnenna and will cause tension. I'm sure the producers are very worried about this, because it's not what they planned at all. Commercials.
Back at the home, Jade gives her mom a tour. Meanwhile, John tells Nnenna that he loves her bald head. Suddenly, Jade's mom asks her, "Can I fluff you down?" Raise your hand if you were as alarmed as I was. However, this activity is much more innocent -- if kookier -- than we might have imagined. Jade explains that her mom does energy work, and pulls energy from the universe through her hands. O...kay. So, basically, Jade just lies down, and her mom runs her hands along the length of her body and waves them around without ever actually touching her. I think the AMA should look into the potentially dangerous side effects of fluffing, which I can only imagine include the destruction of brain cells and delusions of undiscovered supermodeldom. As we get fluffing footage set to the music of John Tesh (or something equally horrible), Jade confessionalizes that she wrote a poem today and would like to share it with us.
"Heaven and Hell," by Jade Carlos Jades
Heaven and hell, earth power wind force
Make me listen, and my strength will be my source.
Not bad. I would submit this as a second stanza:
East and west, the rain makes me remember
That Earth, Wind and Fire sang "September."
J.S. Eliot thanks her mother for the fluffing.
Meanwhile, Nnenna starts to re-explain the whole Vaughn situation to John. She interviews that she did kiss a male model, but now is trying to think how to reframe the situation to John, so that it doesn't look that bad. Why people on reality shows lie to their significant others is a mystery to me, because, obviously, if anything juicy happened, it's going to be aired on primetime in mere months. Sluttiness will out. Nnenna tells John that, on the shoot, the male model kissed her on her bottom lip, and that she didn't pull away, though she was looking at the camera. We see the footage, which does not corroborate her version of events. Nnenna is curled up under the covers. John strokes her bald head, and says that she's not going to get off that easy. He adds, "As long as you don't let that happen again," and Nnenna pretends to be asleep. All class, that one.
Tyra Mail! "Some say models are brainless living dolls. Are you?" j.j. cummings ruminates on this, and then writes:
in that Dolls are pretty no
but Brain --
less yes to that i
think
i may relate
The girls head off to a warehouse, where they meet Jay Manuel. Jay tells them that when he was a kid, he'd always get in trouble for stealing his sister's dolls. Way to work the stereotype, there. We see a little-kid photo of Jay and his sister, and he is totally cute. And, dare I say it, a little orange. Like, more brown-orange than the tangerine hue he sports of late, but orange-ish nonetheless. So maybe he comes by that honestly. Not so honest, however, is the awful blond hair, but you already knew that. Jay adds that he stole the dolls because of their perfect hair. Confused? Yeah, just wait for it. The girls are going to be dressed as dolls in a shoot for Pantene. Because, say it with me now, Pantene gives you perfect hair. Dude, you're better off washing your hair with dish detergent. Mitch Stone, the Pantene pro stylist, says that he's going to use some fab Pantene products on the girls to prepare them for the shoot. The girls are re-introduced to Pascal Demeester, who was also the photographer on their first, bald shoot. I like to refer to him as "Demeester Seester."
Jay tells the girls the character breakdown. Joanie will be a ventriloquist's doll. Sara will be a teen doll. Furonda will be a rag doll. Jade will be a mannequin. Brooke will be a glam doll. Nnenna will be a baby doll. And finally, Danielle will be a marionette.
A lengthy Pantene commercial ensues, as the girls get made up. Joanie gets to work with a male model who will play her puppetmaster. Danielle interviews that Joanie was the only one to get a male model, and that everyone else wanted to share him. Danielle calls him a hottie with a body, and notes that he was nice eye candy for the day. He oils himself up and, indeed, is totally ripped. Nnenna's sizeable jaw practically drops off her face when she sees him. He also is sporting a drawn-on handlebar moustache, which somehow makes him all the hotter. A drawn-on handlebar moustache is the new six-pack.
Joanie is up first. She looks pretty cool. Jay tells her to pretend she's in a traveling circus. Because nothing says haute couture like a snaggletoothed carny. Jay tells her to smile in a few frames. Joanie interviews that, because of the snaggle, she's used to always trying to hide her teeth. We see this, in what she interprets as "a smile," in the few frames. She says that all the girls there have straight teeth, and that she feels like the snaggle is the only thing holding her back. I was going to make some snarky comment about her age, but I love Joanie, and plus everyone else left with the exception of Danielle is practically receiving Social Security checks, so I will just leave it alone.
Sara is , and Jay tells her to give attitude and sass. Instead, she gives platitude and ass. She's in a box, and tries to put her arms out to the side. Jay tells her that dolls are usually a little tighter and not packaged like that. Brooke interviews that she will also have to pose in a box, and that, when she saw Sara struggle, she wondered if she would have difficulty with the shoot as well.
Indeed, glam doll Brooke looks awkward and uncomfortable. Jay asks her what's going on in her head, and she goes, "I'm supposed to look like a doooooooooooll??????" Jay says yes (and adds a silent "you idiot"), and also says that she's a glam doll and, therefore, should look glamorous. Jay tells Brooke to pretend that she's being a bit of an exhibitionist for her boyfriend. Brooke looks even more uncomfortable, so Jay tells her to imagine that her boyfriend is standing there in front of her, naked. Jesus, she's not "I Touch Myself Barbie." Brooke pouts, and interviews that she's getting more and more frustrated because she's hearing only negative feedback. When Brooke's shoot is over, she cries, and Jay tells her that she needs to be comfortable in her skin and that she can't think about being cut while she's doing the shoot.
is Miss Danielle, who makes a really cool-looking marionette. Danielle interviews that the heat is on, on the street, tell me can you feel it, tell me can you feel it, tell me can you feel it, and that this is the first photo shoot where they have to be in character, but still remember that they're models. Really? Jay says that Danielle is feeling it and is giving "puppet, but model."
is Jade, who is frighteningly mannequinish. It's not Kim Cattrall mannequin; it's a mannequin that will come and eat your brains while you sleep. I am sure you're not surprised. Jay is really impressed with Jade's body positions, and commends her work. She is pleased, and decides to write a poem about it.
Am I living in a box
Am I living in a cardboard box
Am I living in a box
Am I living in a cardboard box
--A poem by Jadezra Pound
Furonda's rag doll is sitting on a giant chair, like Lily Tomlin's Edith Ann character. Jay says that this is the best shoot Furonda's done, so far. She improvised, and it was a pleasure to watch her. Or maybe it's just that he likes doll-on-doll action. Seriously, that is some weird shit right there.
Finally, there is Nnenna, who looks crazy in a curly-ass baby doll wig. Nnenna interviews that she wasn't a big fan of dolls growing up, so posing like a doll is awkward. Jay asks a struggling Nnenna how a baby doll should look, and she says happy. He agrees, and tells her to think about John back at the house. Jay is The Mole! Nnenna looks really stiff and unhappy. Way to put in an effort, there, champ. Jay says that Nnenna is still holding back her emotions, and that it's hurting her.
The girls all line up before Jay. He tells them that, today, they're dealing with perfection and beauty, so Tyra has an extra-special treat for them all. They're going to the dentist. Perhaps Jay, like Harvey the Elf, actually always wanted to be a dentist, so this is his manner of fantasy fulfillment. Danielle already looks like she knows something is up. Jay says that most of the girls will just be getting their teeth whitened, but that Joanie and Danielle are going to have something done about the snaggle and the gap, respectively. Joanie is in awe. She starts to cry, and Danielle hugs her. Joanie says that she couldn't afford anything like that, and interviews that if her family could go to the dentist for a checkup every year, they were lucky. She could never afford braces or other snaggletooth-correcting mechanisms.
Soon enough, we are at the dental office of Dr. Edgardo Falcon Jr. He is very plump. Never trust a fat dentist who is willing to work evenings, I always like to say. I hope the girls are in good hands. Just looking at the cold, sterile office gives me a chill. It's kind of like looking at Nnenna. The doctor takes some x-rays and photos, and we get to see a very large shot of Joanie's signature tooth, in all its snaggly glory, as well as the underside of her nose. Fierce! Dr. Falcon asks Joanie whether she knows what veneers are, and she says that they're like caps. He says that each tooth will be filed down, and a porcelain overlay put over each. I just want to take a moment and thank my parents for forcing me to have a whole mess of teeth out when I was eleven and wear braces for six years, because the thought of someone filing down my teeth seriously makes me want to vomit. I had some messed-up teeth when I was a kid, so there but for the grace of God (and Dr. Conlin) went I.
Dr. Falcon tells Joanie that they'll be removing four teeth tonight. FOUR TEETH! TONIGHT! Holy shit. I have to give Joanie some major props right here. Dr. Falcon more or less tells her not to be alarmed when she sees her mouth after he's done, because it's going to look wack with all the extractions and the filing. Tomorrow, she'll return to the dentist's office for a set of temporary veneers. I assume that this is because it takes a while to make the real veneers, and not because Tyra is leaving her with some nasty filed down teeth and a pack of Chiclets to cover up the stubs. Joanie says that this is something she'll never forget, and that it's definitely going to change her life.
Dr. Falcon sees Danielle , and asks whether she sees anything wrong with her teeth. She notes that her gums are receding on her front teeth. Oooh, I have gum recession on a few teeth, and I must go see a specialist about it, but have been putting it off, because YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO THE DENTIST. Argh. Dr. Falcon asks Danielle about the gap, and she says, "I love the gap." She tells us that the signature gap is staying in her mouth, and that it's a part of who she is. See, I love that she has confidence in the gap, and I totally thought that Tyra would be like, "Girl, you get points for being proud of who you are and owning your dental defects." We'll see if I was right. Hint: the answer is no.
Meanwhile, the other girls get laser whitening. Though it still entails the gross effects of dentistry, it is like seeing a preview for Wedding Crashers before settling into Schindler's List.
Joanie lies on the dentist chair, as Danielle holds her hand. Dr. Falcon tells her to breathe through her nose, and then yanks out a tooth. It is so disgusting, I don't even know how to explain it. Danielle looks totally horrified. A caption tells us that it is 6:11 PM, then 7:00 PM. The doctor keeps pulling, and at one point Joanie says, "I felt that one." Oh my God. Danielle asks whether her teeth are that long. It is true -- the teeth look crazy with the roots. And they're all bloody and shit. It's really, really nasty. Joanie holds her arm up from the dentist chair, and says that the snaggle is no longer. I half expect it to grow legs and a brain sitting there on the dentist's tray, and grab that sharp little tartar scraper thing and kill them all. The snaggle is big enough to take the lot of them. And the snaggle shows no mercy. Joanie interviews that the whole process was a lot of work and a lot of stress, and says that she also has to get up in the morning and be a model. Man, that is harsh. Then, at 10:26 PM, we get the filing. And honestly, if you thought the pulling was gross, this is even worse. Joanie interviews that she had all of her front teeth ground down to pencil points. I didn't know veneers entailed quite so much. The Veneers Association of America should sue, because this made at least me vow never, ever, to go through this process. Time passes, and there is more drilling. The sound! The sound! I can't take the sound! First clowns, and then this. It's almost too much to handle.
It is 1:25 AM. and Joanie looks miserable. Like, MISERABLE. Cut to a confessional of her, looking like hell, and saying that she's been at the dentist for twelve hours. Dear Lord. I guess God didn't like the whole amateur stripping thing so much, did He? We see Joanie getting out of the dentist's chair at 3:31 AM. She continues to confessionalize that she has to deal with it all day tomorrow, and then says, "Look at my teeth," as she gets all close to the camera and points to them. I love how they made her do a confessional, while looking like the monster who loved candy too much. Commercials.
And speaking of teeth, it's Nicole's Life as a Cover Girl. She's going to be walking in the ElleGirl show at fashion week. She goes for a fitting. She loves her Cover Girl Clean Liquid makeup, because it's so natural. Hey, just like her!
When we return, Joanie is on the phone recounting the horror of her trip to the dentist with her mom. She says that she has hillbilly teeth, and interviews that she's exhausted. Joanie's mom tells her to forget her mouth, because it's time to compete. Beaver County, represent!
Meanwhile, John gives Nnenna a massage. He says that he's going to pray for her every single day. Nnenna says that she was happy to see John, because he really needed to see her, and she thinks the visit will help him. John tells Nnenna to let him know whether there's anything he can do for her. Yes, go away. Jesus. John and Jade's mom leave. Sara notes that Jade showed a sweet side when her mom was there, and says that she needs to show that side to the judges. As John leaves, Nnenna says that she loves him. She interviews that she hasn't taken herself out of the competition for a moment because of the situation with John. She's taken me out of my mind with boredom, if that's any help.
Tyra Mail! "There's no lifeguard on duty, but there are divas." For shame, that they don't recognize No Lifeguard On Duty, the title of Janice Dickinson's first volume of memoirs! "Divas" being pronounced like "divers" would be if you lived in Massachusetts. Because it's punny!
The girls head to Club Mood, where they see Janice Dickinson and Eva Pigford, winner of ANTM Cycle 3. They are posing with Marc Ecko, fashion designer, who has come out with a new line of accessories. Eva looks pretty good, but Janice is a star. A fucking crazy star, but still. Marc's doing a shoot for (the recently defunct) ElleGirl, for which Janice and Eva are posing. The girls get to do a little group talk with each of them. Someone asks Eva how life is post-Top Model. Don't they watch the Where Are They Now specials? Or BET? Eva says that it's good, and tells the girls that if they exude confidence, they'll help themselves out. She tells them to stay beautiful, and takes her leave. Brooke says that the advice to pretend to be confident, even if you don't actually feel confident, resonated with her.
The girls then talk to Janice, who appears to be moderately less drunk than at her last visit. She also appears to be on a diet of Doozer Sticks. Janice says she's there to tell them about the dark side of modeling. Okay, I take back what I said earlier, because Janice looks fucking terrifying up close. She tells them that a big zero no-no is "ALCOHOL," which she describes as her big thing. Along with the coke and the painkillers and the glue sticks. She regales them with the story of the first show she booked for Valentino. She claims that she had two glasses of champagne before walking the runway, and ended up in the laps of Sophia Loren and Marcello Mastroianni. Okay, first of all: two glasses of champagne? Two glasses of champagne wouldn't have had an effect on Janice, even when she was a fetus. I sense some Tyra coaching here. She was probably all, "We want it dark, but wholesome. Maybe say you had one and a half...oh, okay, two glasses! Two glasses! Gosh, that's wild!" I think it's probably more like "two kilos of coke, some Quaaludes, and a case of champagne to alleviate the accompanying dry mouth."
Janice says that the girls can ask her any questions they want. How about, "What is up with your face right now?" Nnenna asks how difficult it was for Janice to maintain her relationships and family, while still keeping her career going. Janice says that she has an eleven-year-old daughter and an eighteen-year-old son, and is always guilty about having her children not with her while she's working. This hits home for Nnenna, who wonders whether she can have both family and career in the future. Well, maybe, but if she starts wearing slacks, she'll really be crossing a line! Janice leaves them by saying, "Beware. Take care. See ya!" Nnenna interviews that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and that if she throws it away because of John, she won't get it back.
It is then time for yet another photo shoot. The girls go to a studio, where, one by one, they meet Tyra outside. Jadetrude Stein is first. Tyra reiterates that there is an ugly side of modeling, and boy does that hit home when we are watching this show. Tyra says that she's shed a lot of tears in this industry, so today she is going to direct them in a shoot where they're crying. Tyra has a tool called a tear stick, which apparently has some sort of menthol mixture in it and will help the girls to cry. Sutan, the makeup artist, rubs the stick under Jade's eyes, and photographer Jim De Yonker prepares to shoot as Jade's tears begin to flow.
Danielle is , and the tear stick is really burning her eyes. She interviews that she wanted to scream and that it was really bad. After seeing the desnaggling up close, I don't want to hear it. Tyra pours bottled water in her eyes to help. Danielle poses, as Tyra directs her to be sad and innocent. Apparently sadness is best expressed not only by tears but also by wearing heavy eyeliner and a giant flower in your hair.
Furonda pretends to cry that Tyra took her husband. Furonda looks kind of ridiculous, so Tyra demonstrates what she wants her to do. Furonda says that Tyra's a wonderful director, and that she tried to give her what she asked for.
Brooke looks a little more sexy than sad, and interviews that it just wasn't working.
Nnenna is , and after a few moments, she actually starts to cry for reals. She interviews that she was surprised that the emotion came out, and says that the only time that she gets vulnerable and weak is when she thinks about her family. Tyra talks to her for a moment, and gives her a big hug. Nnenna says that she feels a bit relieved, because she's been fighting the urge to cry for a while.
Sara is , and appears to do okay.
Finally, there is Joanie, who interviews that she feels horribly sick, and knows that she has to go back to the dentist later. She says that sometimes you have to go through pain to be beautiful. She should get at least two weeks' immunity for all this crap.
, Joanie goes back to the dentist. She tells us that getting veneers entails a lot of work and a lot of stress. Dr. Falcon pops the temporary veneers into place, and we get to see them. They look good, I guess, but also kind of weird. They seem a little big, or something. She also can't talk for shit in them, either. She interviews that she still feels uncomfortable smiling, because she's not used to smiling with teeth quite yet. She says that now there's nothing holding her back. Dr. Falcon says that what she went through has felled many a large man. He should know. Joanie says that top models have to be tough. Yay, Joanie!
Tyra Mail! A tiara-wearing Furonda announces that someone will be going home. Brooke acknowledges that her photo shoot didn't go so well, so she may be going home. Nnenna says that her performance was pretty average, and once again notes that she's not going to get this opportunity back if she throws it away because of John. Do you get it? Do you? Because if you don't (okay, or if you do), she'll tell you again. Commercials.
A shot of Tyra as a paper doll in big bloomers (a.k.a. her actual underwear) welcomes us to judging. Brooke is wearing a lovely black dress. Prizes, judges, etc. Pascal Demeester Seester is the guest judge. There is no bullshit challenge, so the girls go straight to their critique, which will be based on both photos. Furonda's shot is pretty great. Twiggy says that she wasn't sure whether Furonda was photogenic when the competition began, but that she has really developed as a model. Nigel says that they're looking for someone who can improve. Furonda's doll photo also gets raves, despite the fact that there is a tiny doll face down in her puss. Seriously, you guys, it's so weird. Furonda looks really good otherwise, though. Who knew?
Brooke is . I think her crying photo is good, but Miss J. says that he thought someone who cries so much would do better. Tyra says that Brooke was not a pleasure on set, because she was so nervous and in her head. Twiggy says that she knows in her heart and soul that Brooke has it in her, but that she doesn't have it in her doll photo. Twiggy says that it's very frustrating. Tyra agrees that she loves Brooke in person, but that her photos have been a disappointment.
Joanie's crying photo is great, and Tyra says that it was a pleasure working with her because she understood how to express anguish while remaining pretty. Twiggy says that her photo could be in an art book or a fashion magazine. Joanie also nailed the ventriloquist photo, and Nigel notes that her teeth look a lot better. Joanie cheerfully tells the judges what she went through in a way that doesn't minimize the hours spent in the dentist chair, but also doesn't come off as complaining. Nigel gives her a "well done."
Danielle refused to have her gap closed, Tyra says, and asks Danielle whether she really thinks she can get a Cover Girl contract with a gap between her teeth. Tyra tells Danielle that the gap is not marketable, and is a little mean about it. Danielle says that a little closure is okay, but that she doesn't want it completely closed. Miss J. says that she just left a gap wide open for another girl. Danielle's crying photo is pretty, but the judges see a lack of deep emotion. Her marionette photo gets raves, though.
Jade Wordsworthless is , and Twiggy says that she sees anguish in her crying photo, which is beautiful. I simply feel anguish when I look at Jade. Jade then does about the dumbest thing imaginable. Yes, even dumber than that. Or that. She looks at the photo and starts "crying," saying that when she looks at the photo, she sees pain, and that it's real. She is so full of shit. Seriously, she can barely squeeze out half a tear. The girls behind her give some choice looks. Tyra then totally calls her on it, saying that she isn't normally one to question emotion, but that when Jade teared up, it seemed like bad acting. The other judges agree. Miraculously, Jade suddenly seems totally unemotional. Nigel says that when she started tearing up, he looked behind her at the other girls and saw eye-rolling a-plenty. Jade says that she knows how she is inside. Rancid? Jade adds that she's dealing with so much "torrent." Sigh. Tyra says that Jade thinks that the opposite of arrogance is submissiveness, but, for the judges, it is being exuberant and grateful. As in, "Thank you so much Tyra! May I give you a bikini wax? No, by all means have my last rib! I wasn't hungry anyway! You look so gorgeous and sad and innocent with barbecue sauce all over your face! I hope one day to achieve the same level of perfection in my modeling career! And hey, your talk show is really good!" Even though the judges hate Jade, they have to admit that her mannequin photo is pretty great.
Sara's crying photo looks like she's crazy, as opposed to crying and in misery. Demeester Seester notes that Sara was very insecure in her tiny doll box. Miss J. says that Sara could have put her arms up, which sort of counters the advice that Jay Manuel gave her. Nigel says that it seems like Sara isn't passionate about modeling. She says that that's absolutely untrue, and that as the competition goes on, she's getting more and more passionate about it and is discovering a different side of herself. Someone's been studying!
Finally, Nnenna. Nigel says that her chin is very large in her crying picture. Tyra says that, of all the pictures, this is the one she feels the most. Jade, take some lessons from Nnenna in how to manipulate Tyra through tears. Because that is how it's done. Nnenna's baby doll photo, however, is stinkaroo. Nnenna says that she's never owned a baby doll. Tyra says that she's seen one, though, so not actually having a doll isn't an excuse. Nigel notes that apparently Nnenna is on the phone with her boyfriend every night. He asks whether she's lost her focus in the competition, and Nnenna says that she hasn't let the issues with John distract her. Twiggy asks whether Nnenna wants to be America's Top Model more than she wants to be with her boyfriend, and Nnenna says, "Absolutely." Twiggy says that's what it might come to. For Nnenna's sake, I hope so.
Joanie was last week's Cover Girl of the Week, perhaps in anticipation of the snaggle removal. Hurrah!
The judges deliberate. Jade is fake, but she takes good photos, though her hardness isn't to Twiggy's taste. Tyra likes Furonda because she's progressing. Twiggy loves Brooke, and would like to keep her in because she has some magic. Tyra asks when the magic is going to happen. Twiggy can't bear to let Brooke go. Too bad, for Twiggy. Danielle has had great photos, but needs to listen and get her gap closed. Nnenna's black and white photo is beautiful, but her baby doll photo is sorely lacking. Sara seems more confident in person, and is very bright. However, Twiggy's not sure if she's a model. Joanie's photos are sensational. Miss J. and Tyra do a little ventriloquist bit. Try to keep yourself from being overly amused. I'll tell you, it's really hard.
Seven girls stand before Tyra. Those who are safe are: Joanie, Furonda, Nnenna, Sara, and Danielle (who reluctantly agrees to have her gap closed). Man. Will Jade and Brooke step forward? Tyra only has one photo in her hand, and will only call one name. You know why they're up there. Brooke kind of sucks as a model, and Jade is an ass. But it's age before beauty, as Brooke is sent home. Jade, Lord Tennyson, tries to convince Tyra that her earlier display of emotion was real, but Tyra says that people always confuse what she's giving as something else, and that she needs to get in touch with her emotions and hope that what she's feeling is what she's portraying. What? That makes no sense. Ironically, Brooke -- though she says it's sad to leave everyone and not to have realized her potential -- does not cry. She says that crying and being emotional won't change anything. With that, she fades from the group photo and we get one final lyrical verse from Jade Joyce:
Bitch
I'm glad it wasn't me.
Coming up: Sara feels pressure to improve, while Danielle goes back to the dentist. And the girls get ready to pack their bags!