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Top Model is back, Beverly Hills-style! Tyra and co. make thirty-six hopefuls spill their sob stories before either cutting them or subjecting them to further humiliation in a final group of twenty. After a mock runway show and a one-on-one session with Tyra (surprise!), the group is cut to thirteen finalists, including a lesbian, a strayed Jehovah's witness, a Texas beauty queen, and a broad-shouldered klutz with duck lips. The final thirteen then go on a tour of stars' homes with Robin Leach (no, I am not kidding), settle in their pimped-out Beverly Hills pad, walk in another mock runway show, experiment with same-sex smooching, and attend their first photo-shoot in which they are dressed as superheroes and fly Peter Pan-style on a harness before one of the blonde-ish girls gets kicked off. It all sounds kind of exciting but, well...I'm not saying that this season is going to be boring, but where once there were bitches pouring beer on weaves, there is now shopping for Chapstick and arguing over Ramen Noodles. Step it up, bitches. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on ANTM: Thirty-six bitches, twenty bitches, thirteen bitches. And, after a brief commercial break, we are thrust directly into the second episode of the two-part premiere. We are at the Beverly Hills city hall, where the finalists are met by the two Jays. Jay Manuel is tastefully dressed in all black, which makes him look like the jack-o-lantern version of Johnny Cash. Ashley interviews that she was expecting a challenge, but the Jays have other things in store. Jay tells the girls that Beverly Hills is where stars are made, and that, to be a top model you need to look and be like a star. J. Alexander adds that they'll try to make the girls look like stars, but that only one can be the real star of America's Top Model. They're like a modern-day Hepburn and Tracy, these two, with their clever patter.
Jay adds that the girls will be going on a tour of stars' homes and says that only one person could give such a tour. He instructs everyone to give it up for...Robin Leach. Yes, that's right. The powers that be at UPN decided to go au courant and high-fashion and get Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach to show the girls around Beverly Hills. It is rumored that, in an upcoming episode, Uncle Milty will be escorting them on their go-sees. The girls whoop it up like they have any idea who Robin Leach is. Robin tells the girls to "come on down" and get on a double-decker bus, and for a second I think Bob Barker will be the driver. This show has become an AARP convention. Ashley says that all she could think of was champagne wishes and caviar dreams, while Lisa marvels that Robin Leach is still alive.
Robin says that he wanted to start the tour with a bit of champagne, but given all the under agedness going on, apple cider will have to do. He hands the bottle to Lisa, who takes a big swig sans glass. Some of the girls laugh, but Cassandra interviews that Lisa is a classless whore: "Even though I may have been raised more privileged than some people, there's no reason to rub that in people's faces." Cassandra also looks vaguely like a warthog, but doesn't want to rub that in people's faces either. The girls toast to America's Top Model.
The tour first rolls down Rodeo Drive. Sarah says that she's from Boonville, Missouri, and that Los Angeles is like a movie to her. Bound, perhaps. Robin tells the girls that Beverly Hills has the most expensive real estate in the world and is home to "all the top fashion people," such as Christie Brinkley, Cindy Crawford, Claudia Schiffer, Elle MacPherson, and Methuselah. He says, "When you're a top model, this is where you'll live!" If you don't want to work, that is, or have designs on becoming the Oprah, but tackier.
Robin tells the girls that they have saved the most fabulous place on the tour for last. Kyle thinks that it's Tyra's house, but Robin tells them that it is in fact their new place. Bitches. The girls rush in and immediately start screaming. There are pictures of Tyra and past Top Model contestants everywhere, and the house is set up like a department store. It's basically like being trapped in the mall at night, which is, I think, the plot of some young adult movie and also a recurring nightmare I had as a child. I knew Tyra was going to get back at me for all those rib comments. As is the show's custom, each room has a pithy name like "Bling It On" and "Eau de Model." The latter smells like Chlamydia. The annoying girls self-select, and so Ebony and Nicole end up as roommates. Bre notes that she went from working in a boutique to sleeping in a boutique, and at this moment I will not go into a gratuitous story about the crazy woman I work with who sometimes sleeps in her office. Unless she's reading this, in which case I have no idea what I'm talking about. Bre starts crying from joy. Ashley and Kim take a room together and interview that they've been friends since the beginning. Jayla points out the hot tub in the middle of the house, which I'm sure will be the scene of some shenanigans later in the season.
A few of the girls look at pictures of past contestants, and someone points out Season 2 victor "Yolanda" [sic]. Meanwhile, by the pool, a few of the small-towners conduct some field research in Sapphic studies, asking Kim if she's bi. She says she only dates girls, to which I say, call me. Kim interviews that a lot of the girls in the house don't know anyone who is gay, and that's exciting for them. She adds that she misses her girlfriend from home, and that she's in an open relationship but doesn't plan on acting on their lack of monogamy. And I am suddenly saddened that I appear to be watching a predictable episode of The Real World. Kim tells the others that her girlfriend can make out with all the boys she wants while Kim is gone, as long as she wants Kim when she gets back. Oh, Kim. Come over to my place and we can talk over all your troubles. Kim says the notion that she'd make out with anyone in the Top Model house is crazy, and Sarah is eager to pipe up with an "I'll make out with you Kim." It's always the ones from Boonville. Sarah says that, being from a small town, she doesn't know any "full-blown lesbians," but that she's open about everything. And by "open," she means "harboring secret fantasies about the puss."
Lisa interviews that all of the girls will probably get on each other's nerves at some point but that she's looking forward to tomorrow and at the beginning of the competition.
The day the girls sit around and discuss breakfast. Cassandra chirps that she likes cereal, before noticing with horror that her feet are dirty. She says in a snitty tone that the house is dirty, to which I respond GET YOUR FUCKING FEET OFF OF THE COUNTERTOP. But I guess them is privileged manners. Nicole interviews that Cassandra is a control freak and drives everyone nuts. And if Nicole thinks that you are annoying, it might be time for a little self-reflection. We get a montage of Cassandra complaining that her room is small, that the pool is cold, and that Yoanna drove her nuts. Poor Yoanna gets no respect. Kyle remembers Season 2 Catie crying her eyes out when her hair was cut, and she tells Cassandra not to cry if they cut her hair because it will grow back. "Uhhh, yeah, in three years," says Cassandra. Oh, I cannot wait until the makeover episode. Kyle interviews that Cassandra seems to think that she's better than everyone else, and Lisa says that Cassandra's spoiled, which will be her weakness.
Tyra Mail! The first of the season. It reads, "Do you have high self-esteem? How much are you worth? Be ready at 4 PM." They are going to sell the girls off like illegal immigrant hookers! I knew this day would come. A driver rings the doorbell and announces that he will take them around in a gigantic stretch SUV limousine. Now that is a bit excessive. The limo is decked out with pink fabric, zebra stripes, makeup, and Top Model everything -- even Top Model water (fresh from "you look like an amputee" springs). The girls are excited. They pull up to a nightclub on Hollywood Boulevard where they meet Jay Manuel, who is wearing a pink blazer and short, wide, striped tie. He tells the girls that they are having a huge fashion event that night -- "very bling in L.A." -- run by Life & style magazine. He says that there will be fashionistas, press, and celebrities (Carol Channing!), and that the girls will be walking in the show. He notes that there is a red carpet outside, and the camera quite hilariously cuts to a tall staircase with a little red carpet running up it. This event is clearly only for the very famous. Sarah says that her heart jumped and sank at the same time because she doesn't know how to walk. There is a shot of her frowning in which she appears very pretty, because she looks a hundred times better when her mouth is shut. Commercials.
When we return...fashion show! There seems to be quite a crowd, with celebrities including the one and only MISS TORI SPELLING! Wow, Robin Leach and Tori Spelling in the SAME EPISODE! I don't know how they'll top this. Nigel and Miss J. sit in the audience. Backstage, Jay tells the girls that they have to get their own makeup ready. They run to a set of mirrors in front of which multiple Cover Girl products are lined up. Bre says that she's no makeup expert, so she is sticking with what she knows. At the end of the lineup, Kim twitters that she has never worn makeup and doesn't know how to use it. Girl, you went to Wesleyan. I'm sure you can figure out how to use eyeliner. But no, she says she wants to use the liner to write with. Kim asks who wants to help her with the makeup, and Ashley conspicuously walks away. Ebony narrates that Ashley told Kim to figure it out, which hurt Kim because the two are friends and roommates. Ebony offers to help her. Ashley interviews that helping other people wasn't her concern, and I really can't fault her for that. A made-up Kim -- who apparently needs a few more lessons -- interviews that, as much as she likes her, Ashley can't be trusted.
The girls are outfitted and accessorized. Nik calls the runway -- which is basically a square with two sides extended out -- "the most hectic puzzle ever." Somewhere in Games Magazine, a cryptogram gets very offended. Kyle says that the tricky runway was given to them for a reason, and that two girls will have to walk simultaneously. Diane, who is not going to be America's Top Model, says that eventually the girls will cross one another, and Cassandra speculates that they'll fall on their faces. The girls look for space to practice their walks backstage in their ridiculous shoes, and Sarah speculates that she has the worst walk. Footage from the semi-finals backs this up. She reconsiders and says that she doesn't think she has a bad walk, just bad balance.
Jay welcomes the girls to "the real glamorous life of a model," and quickly introduces them to hip-hop artist Nate Dogg, who is going to be the MC for the evening. Frida Cor-lo tells us that Nate Dogg is a hip-hop icon, which is helpful to me. Jay tells the girls that Nate Dogg will give them the "vibe" for their walk, and that they need to take what he says and put their top model spin on it. Clear on that? Nate first introduces Ashley, who must walk like a "sensual" woman. Bre is "quirky," and tells us in retrospect that she was fierce on the runway. Cassandra is "posh," which is a real stretch. Coryn is "regal," and notes that the girls kept walking into one another on the complicated runway. Diane kind of sideswipes Coryn. Jayla is spunky. Ebony is "avant-garde," which is pretty stupid. Nik is "cutting-edge." Kim is "sassy." She says that she'll probably laugh when she sees herself walk on the runway (true dat), but that she loves having people look at her. Lisa is "feisty." Nicole is "ferocious," and uses thoughts of someone stealing her Chapstick as motivation. Kyle is "confident." Sarah is "glitzy." She glitzily trips on her glitzy gown and totally loses all confidence. The crowd murmurs about how much she sucks, and she admits that the experience was humiliating. But, like, she knew she was auditioning for the show. Practice walking in heels! ["I love how Nate Dogg was like, 'She still fine.' Heh." -- Wing Chun] The girls go through another round as things get hectic backstage. Lisa says that she loves the chaos. Nicole notes that Sarah needs walking lessons, and fast. Sarah comes out again as "queenly" in a leather minidress. She stumbles yet again and walks like she is Cro-Magnon man. Diane says that the show was good overall, but that people probably noticed that they were amateurs. She might actually say "immature," but I am going to give her the benefit of the doubt. Jay tells them that it was the worst fashion show he's ever done, but a good effort on their part. Sarah, still sore from her failure on the runway, can't manage to get her shirt to cover her bra. She frowns.
Limo. The girls are whooping and having shenanigans. Sarah hangs out of the top of the limo and someone pours water over Bre. Coryn interviews that as soon as they got in the car, some girls got loose and wanted to take the party with them. In their pants, as we will see momentarily. We cut in to Kim saying to Sarah that she's a beautiful girl, and I'm sure the context of this was Sarah whining about her low self-confidence and Kim trying to be nice. Then, the pride of Boonville hurls herself across the limo and onto Kim's lips. I would say that the two go at it, but it's more that Sarah goes at it and Kim is wrestled into submission. And maybe I'm jaded, but since Angelina Jolie came on the scene, bicuriosity just isn't what it used to be. And what it didn't used to be is maybe a ploy so that the powers that be won't kick you off the show. The rest of the girls laugh and cheer, and Lisa hilariously notes that Sarah's got "crazy cantaloupe lips." HA! Nicole adds that this is "models gone wild." Sarah almost tries for second base, but we don't see if she makes it. After someone pries Sarah off her, Kim shouts, "One down, eleven to go!" Or twelve, counting Potes. Commercials.
When we return to the house, Lisa and Ebony are talking. Ebony is excitedly going on about how great everyone is, saying, "Yeah, this is broadening my horizions. Like, Kim is like this great, like, dude, she's like a lesbian. She's got all these dynamics." Has the World Wildlife Fund put lesbians on its endangered list yet? Apparently, we are pretty rare. Lisa says that there's only one person she doesn't understand: Cassandra. Lisa says you can tell Cassandra isn't struggling at all, and Ebony adds that she's like a machine. Lisa asks if she recharges her battery, and says in a robot voice, "I am breaking down right now." And now, friends, I think we have finally discovered what happened to Vicki from Small Wonder. Also, Lisa is actually funny and not just funny-looking. Ebony interviews that Cassandra is a weirdo and thinks she's "Miss Primper and Proper" because she's a pageant queen. Lisa goes in the house and tells a freshly showered Cassandra that she was just talking about her, and that they feel like she's a robot. Lisa asks what the deal is, and Cassandra just shrugs, smiles, and brilliantly says, "You know how sociopaths don't feel emotion and that's why they can kill people without ever, like, feeling bad about it? Only I never killed anybody." It would have been even more awesome if she had added, "Yet." Cassandra interviews that she is simply not an emotional person.
Tyra Mail! "It's a bird, it's a plane, no, it's a top model in the making! Be ready at 5:30 AM." The girls drive to some warehousey district, where Jay greets them. He tells them that they will be flying as superheroes. A big whoop emerges. The photographer, who has shot Tyra many times, is Michael Ruiz. Jay says that the girls need to be fierce and bring it. They get their hair and makeup done, and it's the same type of garish, beauty-disguising stuff we've been seeing over the past few seasons. There is a new hair stylist named Rob Talty, and Erica Howard is the wardrobe stylist. Kim gets harnessed up like she's Sandy Duncan. She loves her gold lamé outfit even though it makes her look hideous and kind of lumpy. They hoist Kim in the air, and Jay shouts direction at her through a megaphone. Kim has some problems working the harness. And I am just walking away from that joke. She kind of topples over in the air and generally looks low-energy and weird. Jay says that although Kim seems like the kind of person who would rock anything, Kim didn't impress him today. Kim admits to Ashley that she sucked. Ashley agrees, which is really kind of mean. Kim realizes for the second time that Ashley is a bitch.
Speaking of Ashley, she's in the harness. Her outfit is somewhat better than Kim's, though Jay keeps yelling that she's losing her neck. Afterward, Ashley says that she's not sure how she did, but that she doesn't have a great feeling, and that, while it sounds like an excuse, it's really a matter of physics that she can only stretch her body so much. Jay says that Ashley definitely struggled, and that they only got one good shot. , Jay tells Bre (who is in an outfit similar to Kim's, but silver) that she has to give 100% or it's only going to look like she's giving 5%. Maybe Jay is secretly a Good Will Hunting-style math genius who has decided to slum it for a while. Bre does a good job, although Jay asks what she was thinking in one legs-akimbo pose, because it looks like she's descending down "to take a dump on the superhero throne." In addition to being a math wizard, rumor has it that Jay's also reclusive postmodern author Thomas Pynchon.
Nik says that it's kind of weird to be a superhero, and that, at the ripe old age of twenty-one, she prefers Barbie and girly stuff to superheroes. Jay tells her to be a superhero, not a ballerina, and she "turns it out."
Kyle says that she looks like a crazy Rainbow Brite. She seems to do a pretty decent job.
As she watches Diane being lifted up, Coryn tells us that she's terrified of heights. There's always one. Coryn says that she knows she will have obstacles to overcome in this competition, and that her fear of heights is just one. Her eyebrows are two and three. Jay tells Diane not just to pose in the air, and quickly says that they got their shot and she's done.
Lisa says that she's excited, and Jay tells her, "I want all ten frames excellent outta you." Lisa says that she doesn't think any of the girls will do better than she does, and in all fairness, her makeup and outfit are a lot cooler than some of the others. Jay tells her as she poses that she's like his Matrix fantasy. She interviews more about how great she was. And really, she looks pretty great.
Coryn, who is still afraid. The other girls look on. Jay tells her that she'll be okay. She interviews that she has to stay focused in the air and do the best she can. Jay says that he was impressed with Coryn's courage.
Jayla and Cassandra chat about their black villain outfits, and Jayla says it looks like one of her Halloween costumes. Cassandra says she looks like she's about to kill Nicole, and then strikes a killing-Nicole pose. She interviews that she'd much rather be a superhero than a villain, but since she's a good guy in real life, she can now show her dark side. Jay says that he expected something safer from the pageant queen, but that she rocked it.
Nicole gets some good shots.
Jay says that Ebony was "born ready." He then yells, "Harder harder harder harder harder," for what I'm sure is the first time in his life. He says that Ebony was good.
Then it is time for Sarah, who is dressed like a cracked-out Marie Antoinette. Jay directs her, and Sarah speculates that she will look like a fool per usual. Jay tells her that her last shot was really pretty, but tells us that she's pretty awkward and really just lucked into one good shot.
Jayla, who has bat wings, plays around up on the wire. Jay tells her to feel the intensity through her whole body, and says that she rocks and was "the big bad bitch," which he loves.
Jay tells the girls that he was more impressed with this shoot than he was with the night's fashion show; based on that, they were probably operating under some pretty low standards.
Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only twelve will continue on with the hope of becoming ANTM. One of you will be eliminated." Kyle interviews that it's hard to tell who will go home, but that she knows that Sarah might be at a disadvantage. Sarah says she doesn't want to go home. Kim says that she's scared of going home because she didn't do well on her shoot. She looks frustrated as we cut to commercials.
And then, My Life as a Cover Girl starring Naima Mora. I am providing a transcript for those of you who might have walked out during the commercial.
Naima: Hi everyone! Woooooooow! I just couldn't wait to tell you all about my exciting life as a Cover Girl! Now, you may think that it's really easy to be America's Top Model, but I assure you that not living up to the public's already-low expectations can be really hard work! So, you may be wondering what happened to my Mohawk. Well, soon after it became apparent that my good photos and aura of mystery from the show were actually dumb luck and vacuousness, respectively, Tyra and Ken Mok gave me Eva's post-victory blonde poodle hair in hopes that some of its magic would rub off. Yes, that's right, right off of the head of Miss Eva the Diva! I kind of like it, except for all those Missy Elliott pubes that are stuck in there. But no matter. Look how well it's working! I got to throw out the first pitch at a Baltimore Orioles game and then sweep the stadium when it was over, which gave me the perfect opportunity to practice that runway walk, in case I ever encounter a runway with 6,000 stairs, in the event that I ever actually get to be in a fashion show. Wooooooooow! See you all week, where I will continue to tell you all about my super adventures as a real-live fashion model.
When we return, we are eased into the judging panel by a photo of a constipated Tyra brandishing a diamond-encrusted sword. Seriously, she looks insane. The real Tyra, however, looks quite lovely as she welcomes the girls to the new judging room. She goes over the amazing prizes: a contract with Ford Models, a spread in Elle magazine and the cover of Elle Girl magazine, and a $100,000 contract with Cover Girl cosmetics. So, pretty much the same stuff as before, but Gilles Bensimon has finally come to his senses. Tyra tells the girls that they have some amazing judges and introduces them one by one as they come from backstage. First is Nigel Barker, noted fashion photographer and sometime object of lust. is Miss J., who explains that his giant corsage contains thirteen flowers, one of which will be removed every week until only one girl remains. That is queer even for him.
And now, heartache. Tyra says that the last judge "is someone that is a fashion icon. She is one of the top three most profound, most influential fashion models on this earth." And thus, Twiggy is introduced. She looks pretty much exactly like Olivia Newton-John. Tyra can't resist twisting the knife into the poor Janice Dickinson, who is obviously watching while quietly rifling through Omarosa's knife drawer, and says that Twiggy was the first teenager to become a supermodel in the 1960s, and has been on the cover of nearly every fashion magazine: "Not a lot of supermodels have done that." The tongue bath continues as Tyra says that her mama loved Twiggy, and that Twiggy popularized huge drawn-on eyelashes, which became known as "Twiggies." Twiggy is wearing a conservative black suit, which makes me long for Janice and her scary cleavage ever more.
Tyra tells the girls that they will be evaluated both on their performance in the Life & Style runway event and superhero photo shoot. Lisa is first. Nigel says that she had a strong, confident runway walk that was perfect for the event, and Twiggy adds that she looked like she was having fun. Lisa says she loves runway. Miss J. says he has a few things that he will clean up with her if they have the opportunity to work together later. Her superhero photo gets raves all around.
Nicole gets praise from Twiggy for being able to walk in really high heels in the fashion show, though Tyra says she looks uncomfortable in her photo. Nigel adds that she looks wide, and Miss J. tells her to take all the information they're giving her and juice it like a Florida orange. Miss J., please don't make me dislike you too. I have so few friends left on this show.
Kyle is . Miss J. says that he likes her regular walk better than her strut on the runway, but Twiggy says that Kyle has a very sexy walk. Miss J. says that of course the walk was sexy, because she was showing the audience her knickers. Twiggy counters that at least Kyle was wearing knickers, and they all laugh as if they are actually funny. The judges love Kyle's body in the pose, but Tyra says that her face is scary. Nigel says that Bre's horse trot runway walk works for him, but Twiggy says it looks very peculiar to her. The judges like her superhero pose, but Twiggy notes that the photo would have been more powerful if she had made eye contact with the camera. It's a good criticism, and for a second I think that Twiggy might make kind of a good judge. But please don't let it get back to Janice.
The judges view Kim's runway walk, which is totally ridiculous. Tyra says that she's trying to be something that she's not -- i.e. girly -- and that Kim should stick with the masculine essence that got her there in the first place. Which might be hard to do when she's wearing a flirty strapless dress. Her photo is pretty much a disaster, though Twiggy likes the body and says she had a flash of herself forty years ago. We then get a flash of Twiggy forty years ago, and I must say that she looks so much better now.
Ebony did a fair job on the runway, but Miss J. says that her photo looks like E.T. Ebony says that those are her initials.
Diane's walk was terrible. Her face in the photo was good, but the body could use some work. Miss J. tells her to know her body, learn her body, love her body.
Ashley approaches the panel with a big smile. Tyra says that she looks happy, to which Ashley replies that she's always happy. Miss J. says that her walk was boring, but Twiggy likes it and says that you don't want everyone to be the same on the runway. Her photo gets panned all around, Tyra saying it looks like she's had some Kryptonite and is a fallen superhero.
Tyra makes fun of Nik for her bobbleheaded walk, but her photo gets raves from everyone.
Coryn is . Miss J. says he loves that she was in a long dress in the fashion show because he loves her body, but that she didn't carry it the way she should have. On her photo, Nigel says that she's got a very masculine body and that she needs to go beyond "sports modeling." And on the forums, someone linked to unsubstantiated reports that Coryn is actually a man and...well, maybe.
On the runway, Jayla looked like she was scratching at her crabs, but Tyra liked her energy even though it was all over the place. Twiggy likes Jayla's face in her photo, but Tyra says she loves the body, but that the face lost it. That ought to clear things up.
Nigel says that Cassandra's walk was too prom queen, and adds that she looks like the gorgeous girl at school, but doesn't translate as a model. Cassandra replies that she was concentrating on keeping the dress up so that she didn't flash the audience. Nigel says that there wasn't enough flashing in the show, and everyone laughs because they are still trying to convince us that they're funny. Twiggy says, "Down, boys," and Miss J. takes mock offense. Nigel says, "There's only one boy at this table." Cassandra's photo is awesome. She tells the judges how she loved the shoot and was comfortable in the harness and felt like a real superhero. Oh, shut up, Cassandra.
Last up is Sarah. The judges laugh at her falling all over the place on the runway. Nigel tells her that she needs to have a better recovery. Twiggy really likes her photo, and Nigel says that the face is great, but that the body needs work and her legs look really short in the photo. Tyra announces that the judges will deliberate, and then one of the girls will be eliminated. Commercials.
When we return, the judges are deliberating. Nigel says that he doesn't see Cassandra when she is standing in front of him, and Tyra does a pageant Cassandra impression that's actually kind of funny. Twiggy laughs at Tyra's joke, thus continuing her role as the anti-Janice. Nigel says that Ebony's photo is one of the worst of the bunch, and Twiggy says that Ebony is beautiful but not a model. Twiggy and Miss J. think that Coryn has a great body, but Tyra thinks her muscle tone makes her look too athletic. The panel comments on how Sarah gave up on the runway, but Nigel says that her face is amazing and that they have to see it in more pictures. He also says that Nik is the silent weapon the other girls have to look out for. Tyra likes Ashley's picture, but Miss J. says Ashley thinks her "pretty gene" will get her over. The Twig thinks Ashley is missing the "special ingredient." Miss J. loves Lisa's face, and Nigel calls her a diamond in the rough. He also thinks Diane's face "has it." Kim has a complete uniqueness and androgyny, but Twiggy doesn't like her face despite the fact that just a few minutes ago she said Kim reminds her of herself. Maybe Twiggy's angle is that she's self-hating. Tyra loves Jayla's lightness and bubbly personality, but Twiggy and Miss J. were less than impressed by her runway performance. Nigel says that Nicole is very young and only has the "English rose" look. Bre looks like a horse gone wrong, according to Twiggy. Miss J. says something unintelligible about Bre smelling like cheese. My girlfriend and I sometimes reference a smell called "cheese feet," and if this is Bre's signature scent, then I feel sorry for anyone in close proximity. The Twig says that Miss J. is awful, but she likes him. Well isn't this the picture of a perfect, happy panel.
The girls return. Tyra, whose necklace I covet, says that only twelve will survive. The first name she is going to call is Nik. The second through eleventh names she is going to call are Lisa, Cassandra, Diane, Jayla, Kyle, Bre, Ebony, Coryn (whom Tyra calls Groucho Marx), Nicole, and Kim. Sarah and Ashley are instructed to step forward. The girl Tyra does not call must hoof it out of there posthaste. Sarah is not standing there because she can't walk. Tyra isn't looking for perfection; she is looking for talent she can work with. But seeing Sarah crack under pressure made the judges wonder if she could handle the competition. Tyra condescendingly tells Ashley that she's probably wondering why she's there. She says that Ashley's picture and runway walk were all right, but that the judges think Ashley might just be a pretty girl who doesn't have what it takes to become a top model. Tyra calls Sarah's name and congratulates her. She asks what Sarah will do the time she stumbles on a runway, and Sarah answers, "Suck face with the first lady lover I can find." Ashley -- who looks totally old anyway -- is dismissed. Miss J. dramatically removes a flower from his corsage.
Ashley says that to be crushed -- and especially to be crushed first -- sucks. So much for always being happy. She wonders what will happen if she tries harder, and also wonders what will happen on her second casting call if this is what happens on her first. She says that she's not going to cry, and leaves "House of Top Model." Her image disappears from the group photo and the first episode comes to a close.
Oh, but we're not quite through. Suddenly we are transported into a dank-looking forest and hear a half-wit voice over, "Once upon a time there was a goddess...and a hunter. She was beautiful, and he couldn't help himself." Yes, everyone, it is Britney Spears. And this dank forest isn't just any moldy rotfest, but rather is symbolic of her vagina. And also...beautiful goddess? And the hunter is maybe K. Fed or maybe a cunning look-alike, though I can't imagine what on his schedule would prevent Cletus from being in this commercial. Britney continues to voice over, "There wasn't a single part of her he didn't want to touch." Unlike the rest of us, who couldn't imagine a single part of her we WOULD want to touch. Also, even her cheese feet? Britney throws some sort of fairy dust at him, and Cletus the Hunter, complete with bow and arrow, runs to find her, breezing past a tree trunk upon which is carved "Britney + Kevin." Gross. "But she was leaving soon," the narration continues, "on a goddess world tour." Jigga what? We get a flash of modern-day Britney in concert. An owl looks askance at the pair. "So he did something kind of crazy..." Um, left his seven-months-pregnant wife only to introduce her to the wonders of crystal meth, knock her up, and secure a future full of all the manpris money can buy? No, as it turns out he shot her with a "magic love arrow." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days. And they lived happily ever after. Turns out it is an ad for Fantasy, a new fragrance by Britney Spears. "Fantasy. Everybody has one." My fantasy is that the two of them go away, for real this time.
on ANTM: Makeovers! Something is happening to Cassandra's hair, and she's none too happy about it. And Lisa stokes the ire of Kim, who is sitting awfully close to Sarah on the bed.