Previously on America's Top Model: Yaya was an ass, albeit one who seemed to be good at everything. Mr. Harry T. Rantula terrified Eva, but won the hearts of viewers everywhere. And Toccara, uncharacteristically subdued after weeks of being called a heifer, was sent back to the farm. Six girls remain...who will be eliminated tonight?
New York! The girls each discuss the flaws in their appearance. Norelle says that she wants collagen injections because her top lip is so small. Girl, take a look at one Miss Janice Dickinson and reconsider. Ann wants shoulders that can cut glass, like Norelle's. Nicole says that everyone favors the opposite of what they perceive to be their own flaws -- she likes thin thighs, because hers are thunderous. Yaya -- who should by rights pipe in with, "I like fun and cool people, because my personality is singularly unlikable" -- instead does a little hip-sashaying dance and thinks how much better she is than everybody else.
Ann interviews that the judges have seen potential in her, but have only liked two of her pictures. She says that consistently being at the bottom of the pack is bringing her down. Dude, talk to the girl who has covered all of her mirrors with black velvet and scheduled snout reduction surgery after the holidays.
As Nicole engages in what we are to assume are hilarious antics (but, alas, this can't be proven as we see precisely three seconds of it), Ann conveys shock that the panel thinks that Nicole has no personality. Nicole says that panel is not the place for her to "go in and act like a 'tard." I can't think of many places that would be good for that, unless you are Shaun Cassidy starring in Like Normal People and inviting Virginia to your room to listen to records. Or unless you wear a t-shirt that says, "I don't have cerebral palsy, I'm just drunk" on your first date with Blair's French teacher. And even those are questionable. And now I've just offended even myself. What's in the box, Blair?
Nicole interviews that she doesn't show it all the time, but that she does have personality. She doesn't want to lay it all on the table and let people pick away at it, like so many precious mutilated brownies.
Yaya tosses her head in an arrogant fashion and interviews, "Compared to some of the girls I feel more confident, but I'm not braggy." Cut to footage of her stretching her leg above her head. She adds, "It's so important to still be able to interact with the other girls, because it's easy to sit back and get big-headed." Please. At this point, even Erykah Badu is like, "Girl, you're gonna have to borrow a head wrap from someone else, because mine is just too daggone small." And I love how socializing with the little people is going to keep Yaya grounded.
Tyra Mail! "Prepare to die. Be ready at 9:15 a.m." The girls look puzzled. I, however, look gleeful, because I am desperate to take this particular Tyra Mail literally. Norelle interviews that she was nervous, "because you never know." I think the same thing, and have a minute of joy and hope. The girls enter a small theater, where they are greeted by something that must have quite a commute from its home under the bridge. The troll grunts a hello and introduces itself as Sande Shurin, acting teacher. Please let this be a bloodthirsty creature! And I'm sorry, but this show has some of the homeliest consultants that I've ever seen. The troll tells the girls that it is there to teach them about acting, and specifically a cold reading acting technique. It then plucks a hair from its giant wart and takes a bite of gristle soufflé. Yaya says that she wants to model, but that maybe can take an acting class and discover some hidden talents. Oh, such a triple threat she is. I just want to drown her in a vat of benzoyl peroxide.
The troll says that it has worked with a lot of models who have crossed over into acting, and my mind reels thinking of all the success stories. Nicole says that she was excited for this challenge, because she studied method acting when she was in theater (e.g. North Dakota High School Drama Club presents L'il Abner. And yes, all of North Dakota has but one high school). The troll tells the girls that they are going to do an exercise called "accessing the emotional body." Sounds of crickets chirping. Norelle says, "We were like, 'Huh?'" Norelle then says, "I've never done acting before. The only acting I do is my own personality. Like, I live in my own world, I'm my own actress." And I know she doesn't make any sense, but she says everything with such a cute smile that I can't help loving her. The troll tells the girls to put one hand on their heart and one on their solar plexus, and let their creative selves come to the foreground. The troll asks them what they see in their minds' eyes. As an example, the troll says that it sees dirty underwear and toenail clippings. Freaking Amanda, who is already crying, says, "Roses and rain." She interviews that she started crying because she saw her son's face. Nicole interviews that she had to say she saw nothing, because the first thing she saw in her mind's eye was not appropriate. I really feel like we, the viewing audience, have been robbed of a good "Nicole is a whore" subplot this season.
Norelle, who proves to be quite the charming narrator for this episode, interviews that, of course, there was more to the challenge. The girls notice a hospital bed. Norelle says, "Oh gosh, prepare to die. I'm sorry, but I am not a good die-er." The girls will be given a scene to perform. Nicole thinks that she has an edge because she played Lady Macbeth (and also Mammy Yokum) in high school. Troll says that the girls are going to be reading with a very well-known and respected actor who also is a UPN star. I know, I know, it sounds like a paradox. But it's Kevin Hill's Taye Diggs! And I know that he's rather diminutive and I like to date men who are, well, women, but...damn, does Taye Diggs look fine. Everyone is excited.
Eva is first in the acting challenge. Each girl plays a woman ("Julia") dying of an illness, who has a few minutes to express her feelings to her lover, the irrepressibly hot Taye Diggs ("Brad"). They have to lie in the bed and read off of cue cards. Eva coughs in a sickly way and begins, "Brad I'm dying." Brad tells her that he's talked to the doctor, and that she's going to pull through. The cue card reads, "If you haven't forgotten, I'm a doctor, too. And the prognosis for restrictive cardiomyopathy with paroxysmal nocturnal dyspoea is hardly positive." Ha! I think that this scene was written by the Pulitzer Prize-winning team that brought us "Smells Like Cupcakes." Eva tries to read the card, but says, "If you haven't forgotten, I am a doctor. And the prognosis for reconstructive cardiomapothy, with...all these illsnesses...is hardly positive." HA HA HA! She said "illsnesses." Oh, I am dying. Of paroxysmal nocturnal dyspoea!
There is a montage of the other girls messing up the ridiculously difficult medical jargon. Norelle starts to laugh (adorably!) when she gets to the hard words. She interviews that she couldn't read the text if her life depended on it. Yaya is insufferable, per usual. The girls get to a part where they have to talk about strolling down what the cue card deems the "Champs d'Elysé." Which, isn't it the Champs-Elyseés? I'm sure Yaya could tell me. She pronounces the word with relish, lest we forget that she speaks three other languages. Ann fumbles, while Norelle simply says, "We strolled down the park." Taye interviews (more Taye interviews! More Taye interviews! More naked Taye interviews! Oooh, did I say that out loud?)...oh, hell, I can't focus what he's saying. I'm too enthralled by his shiny little head and pleasant speaking voice. And those hot, nerdy glasses. ["I don't recall such a rapturous description of me last week, you whore." -- Harry T. Rantula] I think I might need to take a small break from sexually harassing Taye Diggs via the internets and collect myself.
And, back. The girls get to the part in the script where Taye Diggs touches them and says, "I love you." Amanda interviews that Taye Diggs is cute, and in the scene she begins to fan herself. Taye Diggs says, "Are you hot?" and starts to fan her. Ha! Oh, Taye Diggs. Let's escape this madness and run away together! The girls then must say, "They're coming!" Meaning the angels. Taye Diggs calls for a nurse. The girls die, one while wearing boots. Taye Diggs says, "And you died in your favorite shoes." HA! Oh, Taye Diggs, stop making me love you more. You are a married man. And I have a girlfriend. But alas, it is too late! A supposedly already dead Amanda moves her head. Taye Diggs says, "Julia? You're alive! You're alive! You scared me, I thought you died!" Amanda then says, "It's okay," and re-dies. Taye Diggs says, "Julia, that's a cruel trick. That's a cruel trick, Julia." Oh, Taye Diggs, it is a cruel trick that you are embarking upon right now to make me watch Kevin Hill. But I still won't do it. But wait...I already have! Okay, I haven't. But I really, really want to. Damn you, UPN!
Taye Diggs and the troll (who looks even worse to such a fine example of the human form) give the girls their critiques. Eva, Norelle, Ann, Yaya, and Amanda get their feedback, and Ann totally has her arm around Norelle. The troll announces that they have come up with a winner, and then everyone realizes that she's forgotten Nicole. Poor Nicole. Her feedback is, "We really don't remember you." I mean, not actually, but it might as well have been. They play footage of the winner on a giant screen. It is Yaya. A nation rolls its collective eye. But when they get to the part of the dialogue in which Taye Diggs yells, "Nurse!" Tyra comes prancing out in a totally professional-looking nurse's outfit. And if you didn't actually watch the show, that was sarcasm. Hoochie Nurse Tyra says that they should look at Julia's chart. Taye asks for a hug first, and rests his head on Tyra's bosom. Which, in all fairness, is just where his head falls when he stands to her. They read the chart.
Taye Diggs: You've taken your class, you've been challenged by me/ But now it's time to act for TV
Hoochie Nurse Tyra: It's not gonna be easy, you'll be on the go/ So pack your bags, girls, because you're going to TOKYO!
Pandemonium. Squealing. Jumping up and down. Tyra says that Yaya, as the winner, will spend the thirteen-hour flight to Tokyo in "Luxury Class." ["Boo! You whore." -- Wing Chun] She gets to choose one companion. She picks Amanda, and leaves the other suckers to slum it in Coach. ["Amanda won't be able to appreciate the luxury if she can't see shit!" -- Wing Chun] Yaya interviews, "This is my fourth consecutive win, so I picked Nicole once, I picked Norelle...it was Amanda's turn." She is at her most offensive when she thinks she's being magnanimous. Everyone continues to be excited. Commercials. Au revoir, Taye Diggs! I'll be seeing you at 9 PM eastern standard time.
Eva is the Cover Girl of the Week. I'm sorry, but that is all lies. Toccara totally won a write-in campaign.
The girls are packing their bags, y'all, because they're going to Tokyo! Ann says that she's heard that Tokyo is New York to the tenth power -- e.g., crazy. Ann needs to get rid of the sideways trucker hat, pronto. Norelle is nervous and says, "I hear that...I don't know if they're called...Japanese people is [sic] from Tokyo? Or Tokyans?" Oh, my sweet little dumb-ass, how you sparkle and shine! Ann says that she hates flying, and we are treated to a bit of her nervous breakdown from the Jamaica trip. But, she says, there's no way in hell that she wouldn't get on this plane. See, she's already being kind of likeable, which is really confusing me. Yaya says that the Tokyo trip itself is great, but that being in luxury class is the icing on the cake. Oh, shut up.
Ann, Eva, and Norelle ride to the airport together. Eva says how great it is that Pink Positive is going to Tokyo together. Norelle says, "Hopefully one of us makes it to number one. And hopefully, it's us three." And this is the girl whose math skills are better than Yaya's. Eva says, "All I've got to say is we got to promise not to get bitchy." Ann says, "I don't think we ever would, though." Foreshadowing, underpaid by UPN and thus ignoring the finer subtleties of editing, sees fit to caption these last statements for emphasis. Norelle says that the girls in Pink Positive have all bonded and try to help each other out. Just like Billie Jean King tried to help Martina Navratilova out with her "backhand" on that magical night so many years ago. You know Norelle is like, "We should have a logo for Pink Positive. Maybe a triangle. Or a rainbow!" The girls check in and board the flight. Yaya and Amanda luxuriate in the exorbitant first class setting, drinking champagne and eating tasty desserts in their roomy leather chairs, while the rest of the girls sleep uncomfortably in Coach.
Tokyo! The girls dance around. Ann, who is historically afraid to fly, says she was glad to get off the plane, but had no nervous breakdowns during the flight. The girls meet Koko Niwa, their adorable tour guide. Nicole interviews that Tokyo is crowded and hot and makes New York look like po-dunk. Or Dogpatch, as it were. The girls stop at a shrine. They are met by a delegate from Uranus who is dressed in the hooded garb of a Buddhist monk, as designed by Victoria's Secret. Oh wait, it's just Tyra. Konnichiwa! Tyra says that she brought the girls to the avant-garde fashion capital of the world, and that it's important for models to know different cultures. Norelle thinks, "I eat yogurt every day!" and is pleased with herself. Tyra says that Tokyo is home to some of the premiere fashion designers, including Issey Miyake and Yohji Yamamoto. Before beginning their journey, the girls have to undergo a purification ritual in which they ask for protection, prosperity and good fortune from the Gods. The Gods are all, "Bitches, please." Tyra sucks in her stomach and says, "Welcome to Tokyo!"
Eva says that she appreciates the culture, as well as the opportunity to become a more well-rounded person. As the girls walk through what Yaya deems "the touristy area," someone points out Hello Kitty and Norelle screams. She interviews that she is quite excited to be in the birthplace of Hello Kitty. She takes a detour to worship at the Hello Kitty Shrine, and undergoes a purification ritual that involves wearing sixteen tiny pink backpacks. The girls enter the Fontaine Akasaka hotel, where they are instructed to take off their shoes. Foot stink ensues, mostly from Amanda. The girls -- who are expecting deluxe accommodations (this is the UPN, my friends -- keep dreaming) -- discover that they are in a capsule hotel, which Amanda (dotting the last "i" on her MENSA application ) describes as "a hotel...of capsules." She explains that a capsule is "a coffin-size cubicle...kind of like a really condensed YMCA." They basically look like cat carriers all stacked on top of each other. Each has a little shade that can be pulled down, and there is a community bathroom. Eva climbs into Ann's capsule. Don't come knockin' if the capsule is rockin'! Koko delivers some Tyra Mail. Ding, ding! Speedy delivery!
The girls go to a lovely scenic spot, where they are greeted by the most unlovely Dowager Jay Manuel. He is wearing a skirt. You, sir, are no J. Alexander! The Dowager says that top models must take long flights and then go straight to work. He says, "I know this is difficult, but this is the real world." Yeah, I'm not so sure about that either. The girls are going to have to put their newfound acting skills to the test as they do a cold read for a Campbell's Soup commercial. You know, I can see why they were so worried about Toccara's chances in the high-fashion world of Lee Jeans, Ford Mustangs, and Campbell's Soup. Haute cou-I'm so sure. The twist is that the girls have to do the commercial in Japanese. Sound of gong. Norelle says, "I can barely speak English, and you want me to speak Japanese?" Ha! So self-aware, that one. Jay says that they will be directed by a very well-known and respected director of Japanese commercials, Mr. Zente Yoshie. Mr. Yoshie speaks no English. Gong! So they will be working with a translator as well. Mr. Yoshie looks quite serious and has the hair of a young Rosie O'Donnell. Which, in all fairness, is better than the hair of a contemporary Rosie O'Donnell.
Mr. Yoshie begins to explain the concept of the commercial, and it becomes quite clear that the translator is hilariously inept. She translates the following: "All the models very busy and then no time to...pay attention to this food." So they are supposed to ignore the soup? Excellent concept, Mr. Yoshie! I just love calling him Mr. Yoshie. I want people to call me Mr. Yoshie. Mr. Yoshie says that the girls will be expected to speak very fluent Japanese. As they get their hair and makeup done and are wardrobed in some very high-fashion robes, the girls practice with the script. Yaya says that she's been listening to people since she got off of the plane, and will, she hopes, be able to imitate the accent and not embarrass herself. The translator tells Yaya, "The concept is, very beautiful Japanese garden...and it appears very relaxing, like...chill out." Heh. I feel like "chill out" and "cool!" and "awesome!" transcend the barriers of language. Yaya gets some more direction. The translator tells her that she should start when the director yells, "Start." Yaya asks what the Japanese word for "start" is. Apparently, it is "start." Japanese is, like, so easy. That's so cool! Chill out! Awesome!
Yaya finishes and seems to do very well. Eva has a reallllly hard time and can't speak Japanese for jack. She interviews that she worries she's offended the Japanese folks by saying things like, "Suzuki washitashi." What she doesn't know is that "Suzuki washitashi" means "I have been pre-ordained as the winner of this show, so your complaints mean nothing. Now give me some noodles." She looks puzzled and uncomfortable throughout her commercial. The judges are totally going to be like, "Puzzled and uncomfortable...that is so golden delicious!" Eva knows that she was horrible.
Ann is super-smiley and cute and does surprisingly well. The translator says that her Japanese is perfect. She also is the only one who manages to look pretty in the weird makeup and robe. In the dressing room, Eva mouths off about how horrible she was. She says, in front of everybody else, "I have good pictures. I fucked up. So hopefully someone with fucked-up pictures will fuck up. And they go home." Ann says, "So who would that be, me or Norelle? Me or Norelle?" Eva says, "Clearly not you, Ann." Ann tells Eva to think about what she says before she says it. Ann interviews that, since their passionate kiss in the back of the van and their twice-daily romps in the sack, she feels as close to Norelle as she does to Eva. Well this is a bit of a shocker, isn't it! Eva asks Ann for a private conference, as Norelle looks kind of sad. Ann resists for a while but finally gives in. She unsympathetically tells Eva that she probably did fine. Eva says that she didn't get through the commercial once and Ann, with a slight smile, says that she got through it every single time. Ann interviews that the roles have reversed, since she is usually the one who worries about going home, and now Eva is worried. I grow concerned because I am liking Ann so much during this episode. Sigh. Commercials.
Nicole is . Jay tells her, "American actors and models are constantly asked to fly to foreign countries and speak another language." Is he being snarky? Nicole is nervous. Eva and Ann continue their private conference, and Eva says, "I hope Norelle eats it." Ann can't believe that she said that, and wonders if Eva would wish ill on her as well. Answer: yes. And I know that it's a competition, but Eva could maybe stop short of being outright nasty to the people she considers friends. And especially Norelle, who seems kind of nice all around. Wish as many evil things as you want for Yaya, but leave Norelle alone. Norelle says that Eva would be sad if Norelle went home. Eva says, "Girl, you are not going home," and tells Norelle to break both of her legs. Nicole's commercial is unmemorable. I'd write more about it, but there's really no point.
Norelle is cute in her commercial, but can't speak Japanese at all. She also appears to have gum in her mouth. She does not do well. Amanda is and looks really weird with her hair pulled back. Mr. Yoshie says that her Japanese is very good. Amanda sings a little song that goes, "I'm so white, I glow on my own!" Even Mr. Yoshie rolls his eyes. Her tediousness totally transcends language barriers. She sashays back to the dressing room and says with gusto, "Mmm that soup is GOOD!" Which were the exact words she shouted out on the fateful morning of September 11.
Mr. Yoshie tells the girls that they all did a great job (lies!) and delivers their Tyra mail. One of them will be eliminated. Nervous looks all around. Eva says that, now that the field has narrowed, there is no room for mistakes, and anyone can be eliminated (lies!). The girls climb into their capsules for a good night's sleep. Norelle feels like a kitten in her little carrier, and gives an endearing "Meow!" She says she's sleeping in a kennel, along with the other bitches. Gong!
Morning. Yaya interviews, "There is one person eliminated every single time, and that one person should not be me. If it is, I have to have a talk with the judges." She appears to be quite serious. Maybe she should let the giant pimple that's been on her forehead all episode do the translating. The girls eat noodles on their way to panel. Norelle is nervous and says that any little thing could send a girl home at this point. Nicole says she has no idea who will go home, and that some weeks the judges might bank more on personality, while some weeks they might bank more on the photo shoot.
We are welcomed to panel by a really weird photo that looks like waxwork Tyra in a kimono. With every episode, I grow increasingly less certain of her skill as a model. Tyra welcomes the girls to their first judging in Japan, and tells them that all of the judges have their shoes off, including herself. She holds up her foot to demonstrate. Janice pinches her nose closed and says, "Ugh!" and laughs. And Janice looks really fresh and almost human today. I think maybe she got some, or was unable to get her stash of tranquilizers through Customs. Tyra says that removing your shoes when you enter someone's home in Japan is a sign of respect. So is keeping your food in your mouth, but we'll get to that in a minute. Tyra talks up the fabulous prizes (which Janice mouths along with her) and introduces the judges, who she says have "schlepped" all the way from America. Janice sneers that she doesn't schlep, and looks kind of crazy again. We have Janice, Nigel, and Nolé, whose precious Miss Minnie had a vision of herself served with a side of noodles and refused to get on the plane. This week's special guest judge is Mr. Yoshie, who has a more skilled (not to mention much more attractive) translator at his disposal. Tyra says that the girls will be evaluated on their Campbell's commercial, as well as on today's test, which involves filming a commercial for umeboshi. Nicole interviews that no one knew what umeboshi was, and so figured that it would be a fish eye or something really nasty.
We are treated to the girls' umeboshi commercials. Ann is first, and reads, "Each ANTM umeboshi is packed full of flavor so it can't be any better." She picks up the umeboshi, chews a few times, and swallows. She interviews that it was "absolutely disgusting." Nicole reads, "Sometimes eating healthy food means eating yucky food. But not anymore with ANTM umeboshi." She interviews with disgust that the umeboshi was like a pickled plum. In her commercial she eats it, smiles and gives a thumbs up. Amanda says in her commercial, "The taste can't get any better." She then bites and chews and has to look away for a second because the taste could clearly get much better. She says, "The taste so sweet, you'd swear it's candy. And it smells like cupcakes!" Eva reads the above lines and puts the whole umeboshi in her mouth while giving a seductive, "Mmm." Norelle is super-cute in her commercial, but once she puts the umeboshi in her mouth she loses her concentration and keeps messing up the dialogue, which makes the judges crack up. She does not let on that the product is anything but tasty.
And here I must break and tell you that, feeling it was my duty as your intrepid recapper, I first did some research to make sure that umeboshi wasn't in any way toxic or unduly foul, and then bought some at Whole Foods. I fed them to my entire book club. Not because I'm a sadist, but just to see how bad they really were. And because I couldn't stop saying, "ANTM Umeboshi! The taste so sweet, you'd swear it's candy!" And they're kind of like eating a chewy ball of salt with a pit. Definitely an acquired taste, and pretty jarring when you put a whole one in your mouth and chomp down, but nothing that you couldn't eat with a bit of determination. Which is, coincidentally, how Ann likes to describe her relationship with Janice.
And then, fucking Yaya. She begins the commercial in a typically annoying fashion. Every word and facial expression is slow and exaggerated. She ends the commercial and holds up the plate with the umeboshi. Tyra says, "And now we need you to eat the product because I've never heard of a girl having a commercial and not tasting the product." Janice screams, "Eat! Eat! Eat!" Which, coincidentally, was the extent of the conversation on Janice's last date with Ann. Worldly Yaya puts the umeboshi in her mouth and chews. She giggles. She goes, "Mmm." She chews and squeals and giggles and chews and squeals and giggles in an increasingly higher pitch. Which, coincidentally, were the same sounds heard outside of the hotel room where Janice had her last date with Ann. And then, in slow motion, Yaya spits the umeboshi into a small bowl. Janice sneers. Yaya says, "No offense, but I just couldn't eat it." The judges look very serious. Mr. Yoshie mumbles something to his attractive translator. This can't be good. Commercials.
And now it's time for the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week!
Small Orange Man: [jovially] Hey Elsa, you ready for a little face time?
Horsey Foreign Model: [pissed off at her sebaceous glands] Well I'd love to get this shine under control.
SOM: [with a limited range of expression] Well, start with an oil-absorbing makeup that'll last all day.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] It has to be light and fresh.
SOM: [embracing emphasis as an acting technique] Now, the best oil-control makeups are made with these cool ultra-light powders PLUS gentle conditioners that prevent dryness.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] And it feels nice and light.
SOM: [thinking "umeboshi is delicious"] And it won't clog your pores either.
HFM: [silently adding "like cupcakes"] Perfection in a bottle!
SOM: [thinking "Taye Diggs is perfection in a bottle"] You bet!
Tokyo! It's New York to the tenth power! We are treated once again to Yaya spitting out the umeboshi. She says that she felt like she was going to gag, and that spitting it out was a reaction because she was going to throw up. Lies. She says that respect is a big thing in Japan. Oh, the irony of respeito! Janice asks her what the umeboshi tastes like, and Yaya says, "Like nothing I've ever tasted before." Tyra dismisses Yaya.
The girls go before the panel with both of their commercials. Mr. Yoshie laughs at Eva. Janice says that Eva is a Campbell's Soup rap star, which makes no sense. Tyra says that Eva couldn't even get the English right in the Campbell's commercial. They think that she did a bit better shilling umeboshi. Nigel says that she is beautiful and photographs well, and Tyra says that Eva's voice is great for selling products. is Ann. Ann looks proud as she watches her commercial. The judges still criticize her for the way that she holds her face. Nigel and Mr. Yoshie both were impressed by Ann. Tyra says that Norelle sounded good with the English, but was awful with the Japanese. Janice agrees that Norelle did not deliver the lines. The judges think that she was radiant, bubbly, and fun during the umeboshi commercial. is Amanda, who says that she looked like a pair of ears on an onion in the Campbell's commercial. The judges think that she had no passion during the commercial.
is Yaya, who spoke unbearably slowly in Japanese. Janice says that her commercial was so loooooong and then flops her head down on the table. Nigel says it sounds like she was speaking in Morse code, but that she looked fantastic. The judges tell Yaya that spitting out the umeboshi was bad form and insulting to all of Japan. Yaya says that she's sorry in a way that illustrates how actually not sorry she is. Man, do I hate her.
And then, crap-ass fake bit number 617 of Cycle Three. Tyra says that it's time for the judges to deliberate. The other judges indicate that Tyra has forgotten about Nicole. Tyra -- who has apparently received formal training at the Cover Girl Beauty Tip of the Week acting academy -- goes, "Oh, oh. Sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, there you are behind Yaya." Girl, please. Nicole looks mildly pissed. She gets mixed reviews from the judges. Tyra says, "It's almost like I didn't remember when you finished." Yeah, it's almost exactly like that. The remaining living member of Milli Vanilli then comes out and sings "Ave Maria" flawlessly, just to underscore that when UPN says "reality," they mean nothing of the sort.
Now it is really time for the judges to deliberate. Norelle gets raves for her umeboshi reading. Tyra says that Norelle delivered her lines with "chutzpah...is that a word?" and pronounces the "ch." Tyra is all judeo-fabulous tonight, isn't she? Amanda didn't connect with the products that she was selling, and seems to be relying on the fact that she is gorgeous. Janice says that Amanda looks alien-esque, and Tyra is all, "What's wrong with that?" The judges are surprised at how likeable Ann was, and Tyra says that Ann was leading the pack tonight, which was a shocker. Tyra passes around Yaya's picture, and Janice says, "I've seen better faces on iodine bottles." Jigga-wha? See, she looks all clear-faced and lucid, and it's deceiving. The panel thinks that Yaya is beautiful, but was completely out of line when spitting out the umeboshi. Tyra says, "I feel like a little bit of it is pompous with her." "A little bit"? Please. Madonna's British accent is all, "I can't even be in the same room with that bitch." Nicole is pretty, but blah. Or, as Janice says, "Beyond blah." Eva's commercial was a disaster, or as Nigel says, "A cocoa puff mess." Can we please get the judges translators? Janice says that when Eva stands in front of the panel, she smolders.
Six girls return. Only five will remain in the running toward becoming America's Top Model. The first name Tyra calls is Ann's. Tyra says that "Miss Stiff Ann in the picture" blew all of the other girls away. Ann actually looks mildly pissed, and I'm not sure why. Eva's name is called second. Norelle, to her credit, gives a big smile. Eva, along with the rest of the world, looks surprised. I mean, honestly. Her commercials blew and her name was called second. Tyra says that it's because of her voice, and that the sound and tone of a model's voice is important. Man, that was so obvious. Norelle is called , and Ann looks happy when Norelle joins her in the winners' circle, since she is guaranteed another day of conjugal bliss in Tokyo. Amanda is also still in the running towards becoming America's Top Model.
Will Yaya and Nicole please step forward? PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GET RID OF YAYA. Nicole, blah blah blah, unmemorable. Tyra says that it was difficult for the judges to remember anything about Nicole that stood out. See, in this world, plain old competence is simply not rewarded. Tyra says to Yaya, "It is important for a model to respect a product. This is not the first week where the judges have felt that you have insulted a product." Yaya? You stood on this pedestal and acted like the umeboshi tasted like dookie. Apologize to the umeboshi, Yaya. The umeboshi then walks out wearing a tiny black t-shirt emblazoned with the word, "Respeito." Tyra says, "A top model has to be humble, and likeable." Oh, tell your lies to Naomi Campbell's phone-beaten assistant. Tyra then gives Yaya her photo, and recommends that she go to the nearest Japanese bakery and order the biggest slice of humble pie she can find. Nicole is going home. Nicole tearfully says goodbye to the other girls. She interviews that she didn't stand out, but that no matter what the judges said, she didn't give up. We are treated to Nicole's portfolio, which is really, really good. She says that getting there was a feat in itself, but that it's not like becoming America's Top Model. Her likeness fades from the group photo, which is a bit redundant since apparently no one could remember that it was there in the first place.
Coming up on America's Top Model: Norelle struggles to adjust to Japan, and Ann has it out with Eva. Well, you know what they say about make-up sex.