Slow fade up on the Implantotel, where we turn up in the bathroom to find Adrianne and Elyse, appropriately, talking shit. They speak of Katie's elimination last week, Adrianne lighting a cigarette and noting, "That is one person I did not expect to go, did you?" Elyse sucks on what looks like a piece of black shoelace licorice, nodding her head vigorously in reply primarily to burn off the one correlating calorie that she's recently allowed to enter her body, but also to confirm that yes, Elyse did know that Katie was going to be voted off because she's smart enough to fill out a med-school application which means she figured out Katie's impending ouster by using magic.
But Adrianne, for one (or lower, if she runs into trouble counting that high), had no idea, and we kick it to a confessional, where she continues on, "Last Judgment Day, it was really hard on me." She wears her camouflage headband -- oh, my god, where is Adrianne's HEAD? Oh, there it is -- because the whole world has to answer right now when I tell you once again who's bad. The whole outfit conspires to make her look, in fact, as if she's auditioning for the lead role in Last Judgment Day, the biopic story of Adrianne in which, for reasons of marble-mouthed vocal cadence and sheer width of shoulder blades, Adrianne would probably be played by Vin Diesel. Which makes Judi Dench be all, "Well, then, I guess that means I'm playing Elyse" before bidding "Cheerio" to her stately manor's manservants and packing a bag for L.A.
"I felt like I couldn't give it my best," Adrianne nasals nasally through her nose, as we flash back to another shot of Last Judgment Day to find Tyra (Halle Berry, natch) asking Adrianne if she was "present during her runway walk." Back in the confessional, Adrianne puts her arms around the back of her head as if to subtly suggest, "Hey, you boot these titties, it's your own ratings funeral, okay? Think about it" and admits to those who can still stand to listen, "The reality has finally hit me that there's [sic] gonna be eliminations." There are? Or, to use Adrianne's own dicey subject/verb agreement...there is? Well, I wish they'd thought to tell her before three weeks had passed. I could just see her wrangling with the rules on a show with actual rules where she had to do stuff besides smoking and eating low-fat cottage cheese, sitting in a confessional booth somewhere on the Equator drawling, "The reality has finally hit me that I totally don't understand the rules on The Mole. And did they have to confuse the issue even further by, totally weirdly adding the word 'Yucatan'? What's that mean, y'all?"
Elyse -- in a confessional taped after the upcoming big makeover that made her over into Lucille Austero guest-fronting Harlowe -- worries aloud if Adrianne isn't maybe taking the competition just a leeeeetle too seriously, noting, "I'm getting a certain stressful vibe from her." Oh, Elyse. No clue what it takes to become a top model, has she? Doesn't know there's no such thing as taking it "too seriously." Maybe the other girls are right. When it comes to medical school, she can fill out forms with the best of them. But when you get right down to top modeling, Elyse is all about the common application. Adrianne herself fills in the personal statement blank of why she's so passionate about this, telling us, "There's [sic] money issues in my family. And that's why I really, really need this." And just when I thought the English language would never have contextual use for the sentence, "If I don't learn how to successfully hold a snake around my neck, little Timmy won't be able to get that operation." But I guess there's always a first time for everything on Planet Tyra.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the penthouse, Nicole shows pictures of an oily bohunk to Giselle and Adrianne. Adrianne regards the photos and thinks, "Once, there's [sic] this time my family ate empty film canisters for Thanksgiving because it was all we had, y'all." Giselle squints her eyes really hard to make the gerbil wake up and start running around on the wheel in her brain again, asking Nicole of the oily bohunk, "Your boyfriend's, like, famous?" Nicole tells us that her boyfriend, Cory, races BMX bikes, which means he's either famous among a veeeeeeery select group of people who have that big "U" installed in their backyards, or he's twelve. Or he's both. Nicole tells us that she spends all of her time with her boyfriend, but "now I'm twenty-two and I need to learn a little more independence." This throws us to a quick-cut series of five confessionals that finds Nicole leaving voicemail messages for her man, who is out, I'm guessing, BMXing a series of other ladies and unavailable to be addressed on television as "honey" and "punkin'." That's good ridin' there, Tex.
"Beauty in real life and beauty in the modeling industry are two totally different things," says inveterate juxtaposer and lover of all things dichotomy Tyra Banks "Street Writer" in her opening confessional. For one, beauty in real life is often allowed to come with a side of delicious rye toast. The Crazy 8's arrive at a big-ass makeup studio called the Lepine Salon, as Tyra continues to attend to her voice-over punditry, adding, "It was important for me to transform the girls from normal, everyday pretty girls on the street to high-fashion models." The Crazy 8's enter the salon, where they are met by Tyra, who stands aside Jay "I Ain't No Glamour Boy. I'm Fierce!" Manuel, who I'm shocked -- SHOCKED -- to see was a brunet in the first season. And I'm shocked not because of Jay's second-season dye job. After all, he would ride the color wheel to Candyland with Roy G. Biv traveling shotgun if it was done for the sake of high fashion. Rather, I'm shocked at seeing him as a brunet because seeing Jay with natural-colored hair reminds us that he's an actual human being and not some advanced polymer concoction engineered in a Sanrio lab who should have a star fall following him wherever he goes, including to his home where he lives with a giant bumblebee inside of a totally fabulous flower. Tyra introduces Jay on one side of her and Lepine owner Kim Lepine on the other, explaining to the girls that Jay is her personal makeup artist (and probably Kabbalah spiritual adviser), and that he's going to be doing the makeup and Kim's team will be dealing with the hair. Tyra tells the Crazy 8's that they're already "fierce," but that she's going to make them -- she snaps four times and makes a wacky face, her eyes radiating meaning where mere words cannot -- "fierce." Fierce to fierce they'll go, in a montage sure to be fierce with five snaps, a pirouette on the left foot, a jump up and down, and nine jars of applesauce. Don't know what that means? Well, y'all should see what I'm doing with my eyes.
Elyse, Tyra tells us, is going to be made into "a pixie." Ooooooh, tough one! While you're at it, why not give her really skinny arms and legs, and then for makeup why not rub in deep the mascara of intellectual superiority? See, because she's already kind of pixie-ish, so...ah, nobody listens.
Shannon, we're told, is going to be "bleached," and they might add hair extensions, too. Shannon claps with excitement, as I may be inclined to do as well if any of the "Make Mine Mauves" or "Rosy Rouges" in that makeup case came with a built-in "Nicole De-Twinifying Liquid" that rubs right in a disappears and reminds me which one is Shannon and which one is Nicole. Without her nose buried in either a bible or a BMX racer, I can't tell which is which on her own, bleached-out merits. And y'all are sure there's no one on this season whose name is Heather?
Adrianne is getting a hair weave, which, she tells us in a confessional, makes her "so excited, because for so many years I have wanted to do this but I just simply do not have the funds." The producers cackle with delight and keep hurling coins at Adrianne's feet yelling various permutations of "Dance, bitch, dance" in hopes that this poor little poor girl characterization will continue unabated.
Robin, according to Tyra, has hair that is "way too dark," and Robin laughs in that incredulous way where your shoulders come forward and propel your head a quarter turn to the right as your rolling eyes try to decide whether this defensive dance move is a good idea by staring directly up at your brain for advice.
Kesse's hair is also too dark, and Tyra promises that, in addition to lightening it up, "We're also gonna give you old Tyra Banks hair from 1992." That's one way to ensure that your much younger doppelganger never gets to be as pretty as you: by bogging her down in outmoded styles that make her look like a cheap dime-store you of the past. I wouldn't wish anyone my personal style circa 1992, but it does totally give me an idea for a "You In '92" theme party for the TWoP get-together. I'll bring the wine coolers bought with my totally fake ID! Boy, it's getting hot in here. Good thing I remembered to wear this Squeeze concert t-shirt underneath my mock turtleneck!
Tyra moves on to Nicole, telling her that they will be straightening her hair, as a voice-over confessional rises up to tell us, "I'm just not interested in straightening it." Ebony is a bit more sportsmanlike (sportswomanlike? Nah. "Man" just works better, for some reason) when Tyra tells her that they have to lose the one strand of hair she's got, which is a good call seeing that Ebony's chances of winning will be increased exponentially if that dang Snoopy stops interrupting her and asking for more food to nourish him in his long, hard slog against the Red Baron. That's right. I'm saying Ebony is a good man, Charlie Brown. Tyra gets to Giselle and discovers she has no more treats in her bag, regarding this ingénue with a mix of confusion and horror that asks, "...and you are?" Tyra asks, "What can we do with Giselle?" and Kim Lepine -- less the visionary and more the pragmatist -- responds, "That scraggly thing. Some of that has to go." In a voice-over, Giselle frets, "How come mine's not all figured out?" Because you're perfect just the way you are I'm sure, dear. Tyra bids the girls farewell and tells them all that she can't wait to see what they look like at the other end of the makeover. Tyra's eyes tell all, and right now they're telling Giselle, "Except for you. You're not working out. I'll be playing your part." And with just the use of her eyes, Tyra looks around the room and tells the story of the Hurricane.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Makeover! All of the girls go under the shearing prunes, beginning with a pissed-off Nicole, pissed off that she spent $1500 on hair extensions that she had installed fourteen minutes before she left for the show. On a haircut? $1500? They should take the hair off and the scalp with it, because the brain that rationalizes a $1500 haircut needs to be sent to the lab for testing. And said abnormal brain needs to be inserted incorrectly into Frankenstein's monster. As I have learned happens. From watching Mel Brooks movies. Robin looks like she's about to weep Jesus tears, so Jay instructs her not to be so sad, advising, "Models are canvasses. And they're also chameleons." What else are they that they can find in her grandmother's attic? Conifers? Calliopes? Crackers of graham? Nope. It's just another stack of bibles. Boy, it sure is fun visiting Robin's grandmother. In response to Jay's pep talk, Robin notes, "I really don't have a choice," and Jay smiles broadly with one of his finest moments ever, answering, "No. No, you don't." Robin hates him right down to how much she'll hate how pretty he'll look burning in Hell.
Adrianne tells us how nervous everyone else seemed -- except for chill-ass her, of course -- Greek Chorus-ing that Nicole "complained to the point where they wouldn't cut off as much as they would like." And sure enough, Nicole, clips in hair, yammers on about how concerned she is to undergo a radical transformation if she's just going to end up going home anyway. A stray shot of the floor yields very little hair on it, and the Lepine-ites basically just straighten her hair instead of cutting it, and when you just straighten curly hair without cutting it, you look like insane Heather Locklear. If you're Nicole. Giselle sheds a tear as Adrianne voices over, "Giselle cried, Giselle whined, Giselle moaned, Giselle groaned," because if this modeling thing doesn't work out, Adrianne is going to use her crack rhyming skills to make an audio recording of the lost Dr. Seuss classic, Eight Who Never Ate And The Terrible, Horrible, Hair-i-ful Adventure, because her's are the dulcet tones you want lulling your children to sleep while you're driving around town trying to get some damn errands done.
Elyse's hair is done like clockwork. No, no, not like clockwork. More like A Clockwork Orange. She digs her wide eyes and her choppy hairstyle but not the color, but it's pretty dark at the Korova Milkbar anyway and you'll hardly be able to see that it's red until she's outside tap-dancing to "Singin' In The Rain" with Pete, Georgie, and Dim before they go in for a few lashings of the old ultraviolence.
Ebony finds the whole experience "frustrating," noting that "not everyone can cut your hair," adding that she plans on growing it back. The hell? Is she auditioning for the lead in The Emperor's New Haircut? Bald before. Bald now. It's like talking about a haircut with George Costanza. Shannon, meanwhile, had her hair straightened and looks exactly like Nicole. Again! C'mon, you guys. Seriously? A little help? Kesse is "pleased" with her new look, and Adrianne tells us that, though the installation of the hairweave was "painful," she asserts the fact that "I don't like to tell anyone that I'm going through pain." This totally reminds me of an interview I saw a few weeks ago where John McCain said that we'd pretty much lost the true meaning of the word "courageous" in this country.
"A diva is not a bad thing," Robin tells us. "I think a diva is a lady." And I think a turnip is the Prime Minister of Italy. Why not just say it and thus make it so! It's like playing with a four-year-old, where you go from running in a haunted forest to riding on a magic carpet to jumping on pillows to crying and back, inside of a minute. A diva is not a lady. A diva is a world-class bitch, at least on this show. Robin tells us that her new hair color is "not for [her]," noting that it's "the hair color from H-E-double-hockey sticks." Oh, you're twenty-seven. Just say "hell." It's where you're from, too, after all. Okay, who's up for a fun game of "Analogies"? Okay, I'll go first: diva is to turnip as lady is to ___________. I'll give you a hint: pizza.
Jay gives the girls a comprehensive makeup lesson, and Ebony shares with him that she is a makeup artist as well as a model, a delightful foreshadow that falls over Ebony and renders the lighting in that room just terrible. "The makeup artist is your last front to the world," Jay tells them, trumping up his actual job of "brush monkey" so much that he throws off the curve for the importance of all things great and small in the universe. After I finish cramming a box of Band-Aids that were running around my bathroom screaming, "We cure cancer! We cure cancer!" back into the medicine cabinet (damn you, Jay!), we return to find the ladies escaping from the Lepine Gallery, Elyse's hair perfectly tended to, scrunched underneath a dowdy chapeau.
Shut up, Ebony: "It is very upsetting to an African-American woman to go into a salon and have them do her hair incorrectly. It is very inappropriate! It doesn't make any sense to me!" In a confessional, Elyse notes that Ebony has a tendency to "get going and cannot stop," confiding, "It's a little weird." Ebony rants on that she could have gotten violent, but at this point Elyse and Nicole/Shannon (when I don't know which one it is, I shall refer to her as "Heather") start cracking up as Robin enacts her Christly will of peace on the earth and good will to men by standing in the kitchen and making faces behind Ebony's back. When Ebony storms out of the room, Robin whispers to best friend Elyse, "We know you're black. I'm black, too. I'm not happy with my hair. I look like, y'know, an albino prostitute." Elyse tells us that she didn't understand Robin's last comment, adding, "but then again, I'm not really familiar with prostitute trends." The camera instinctively turns toward Nicole, because the cameraman wants to be familiar with prostitute trends.
Nicole's mother is on the other end of the line, telling Nicole, "He called me and told me he would be home, and now he's not...Cory is unreachable! As usual!" Nicole's mother's non-cooler head does not prevail as she sounds even more unhinged than her daughter, advising, "Stop trying." Nicole mutters, "Right," and puts her head down because diva is to turnip as Nicole is to ______________.
Jay shows up at the penthouse looking even more human, wearing jeans that I'm sure cost my whole wardrobe, and a brown button-down shirt that is open way past its USDA recommended intake of Jay Manuel chest. Did he remember that he was Amish in the middle and have to stop dressing for religious purposes? Button up, junior! Anyway, Jay arrives with four enormous bags of product-placement, telling them, "I went to Revlon today!" But before the girlies are allowed to play with their makeup toys, he has to offer an anti-pep talk, schooling Ebony first, "You know what? If they wanted to shave a strip down the middle of your head...?" Then it would have to be made of epidermis? Y'all, she has NO HAIR. Nicole he rebukes for caring about her own money (well, her mother's money or BMX sponsorship dollars, but we're making fun of Jay now so ssssssssh), telling her, "If there was a huge hair company out there, we're not gonna give that girl a $300,000 campaign if she won't take out her $1,500 weave." So when she gets booted, then, they'll be reinstalling the weave? And, wait. Is it normal to begin with that at least three of these women (Robin, Nicole, Adrianne) have hair weaves? I have known a million ladies (and I've rocked them all), and I don't think I've met one person, ever, who has a hair weave, voluntary or otherwise. And don't you be giving me the "I'm sure you just didn't know" defense, either, because if you know to the minute what time a girl is getting her friendly visitor from the north because she told you how happy she is with the regulating nature of her new birth control, I have the utmost confidence that I might, at least once, have heard the statement, "And my hair is made from recycled brown pellets that were hot-glue-gunned to my head. You like it?" I'm just saying it seems like a pretty high occurrence of such things right here on this show.
To Robin, Jay chides, "You have real issues with your hair...You might as well go home and be Miss Soymilk or whatever." Not amused, Robin looks away and whispers, "Soybean," which Jay jumps on with the ouch-rageous, "Soybean, soy latte, whatever." Oh, snap! He must have been killer at telling that "iceberg, Goldberg" joke that seven-year-olds in Hebrew school so enjoyed back in the day. Email me if you want. But don't worry. It's a really stupid joke.
"Go through the bags. Revlon supplies the makeup." The competition is that they have to use the supplies they were given to take their faces "from day to night." In a flash, they're off to meet Derek Khan -- oh, fine. I was going to try not to but y'all forced my hand, so here we go: Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! There. Feel better? -- who Tyra voices over is a "diva stylist." He walks them through the streets of New York from pricey store to pricey store, ending up at Guiseppe Zanotti. Elyse tells us that she and Adrianne had spent the entire day pretending they were rich (I know there are misgivings about them both sometimes, but they're totally the two I'd be chasing after this whole day to make them hang out with me, asking them if they wanted a bite of my sandwich. Trust me. They don't), and so it was quite a surprise to them when they arrive at the store and Robin throws down the plastic (not Jay's face, I mean her credit card) for a pair of $795 boots. Khan calls them "divine" and Robin voices over that she has to spend money on footwear because "your feet are what hold you up." Does that mean you also have to spend $795 buying vials of "the Lord's love"? Because I thought that's what held her up.
Jay shows up at some faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahncy store with a bag of Revlon (and WE GET IT) makeup for each girl. He sits them across from a mirror and announces that this is "the makeup challenge. And Revlon sent makeup." Well then, someone pull out their tube of PRODUCT PLACEMENT CONCEALER and apply liberally, because I'm not at all opposed to it as a business tactic, let me be clear, but it's just not being delivered well is all. They're given ten minutes to turn their "day" look into "night," and the winner will go somewhere we only know is "really, really fabulous." I'll give you a hint: pizza.
"Does this look like what I did yesterday?" Jay asks Ebony, whose nighttime look is clearly a bit slapdash. She calls it "horrible" in a confessional, and Jay reminds her not to match her outfit with her eye shadow. Jeez, Ebony. No fashion sense! Shaved head! Militant response to outside stimulus. What are you, some kind of...of...l...l...les...les...less than perfect makeup artist? Adrianne gets a "good try," while Nicole needs practice. Robin also gets "pretty close," and "given your mood yesterday, I can't believe you actually took anything in." Shannon blew it, Kesse didn't smoke her eyes enough, and Elyse wins a reward challenge to the "Indian consulate tonight to meet some very influential people in the fashion industry." Wait, is that really what he said? Jay compliments Elyse again and lets her choose three girls to come along. She chooses Nicole and Adrianne, and realizes that she is friendless besides. So she looks into what I would say was her crystal ball, but that Harry Potter witchcraft shit is totally built stick upon stick by the hands of the devil, so it's really a sign from the almighty when Elyse asks, "Does anyone's mother's maiden name start with a 'g'?" and Robin raises her hand. Quick, y'all. Let's all get on the horn with customer service and totally...change the billing address on Robin's bank statements! Wait. I'm totally not making fun anymore. Her mother's maiden name is "God."
But some Revlon-brand plot thickener has been added to the mix in the form of Nicole saying that she doesn't want to go to...wherever it is they're going. She says that she does not feel well, and Jay asks, "You realize what you're turning down?" I do not realize what she's turning down. But Jay responds, "You could be putting someone ahead of you," which Nicole says is just "silly." Even Elyse knows the value of not biting the manicured hand that feeds you when she confessionalizes, "It's not worth alienating the judges, and I don't think she came up with a good enough excuse." Jay vents on, "So you go back home and you do what? Work at Burger King?" Ack! I guess blue collars aren't the in style on the runways again this season.
We're totally going to the Indian Consulate! Weird. Charlie's Weirdest Angels of Elyse, Adrianne, and Robin walk into the New India House flanked by their wee entourage of Jay. They encounter Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan, who throws the doors open to some interior chamber and introduces them to some of Khaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan's "dear friends in fashion," a gallery of freaks including Count Maximillian Tucci, whose subtitle merely refers to him as a "socialite." He is exactly what normal people like us fear about the fashion world, sitting languidly on a couch with a downturned sneer and models on either side of him and, since smoking stopped being de rigueur among New York society types, a constantly-lit cigarette installed on the inside of his mouth. Also in the crowd are Janice Combs ("socialite and P. Diddy's mother," and no I am not kidding), and, heaven forbid, a woman with a real job named Constance White, who used to be the fashion editor for the New York Times. They stand around judging, judging, judging, until a fashion designer named Anand Jon steps forward and we learn that, this evening, the activity is going to be the three girls trying on clothes and having everyone in the room critique them. How on earth could Heather have wanted to miss out on this? Constance loves Adrianne's look and thinks Elyse is perfect for the runway, sharing her feelings about Robin: "The industry for large sizes is booming." Wow. Even the plus-size model industry doesn't want to try the salad! You talk about your synergy.
Back at the Penthouse, Nicole writes a letter longhand because suddenly she's Jane Fucking Eyre, and she tells us that if this whole modeling thing doesn't work out, she's going to start thinking about getting married. Well, crack open the Bachelor application, then, because it's not going to happen with boyfriend Cory, I don't think. She finally gets him on the phone, and for some reason they've chosen to put up professional headshots of him looking really angry and put off. She tells him that she's "not happy" with him right now, telling him she's tried to call him every day and that he's not being a supportive boyfriend. "Did you try to call me yesterday? The day before? The day before?" Did you bullshit last week? No. Did you try to bullshit last week? Yes. Ahhhhh, look it up. And then, they fight. She asks him, "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to drop out right now?" He pauses a minute because he's translating from Dick to English in his head and responds, "A little." Eesh. He tries to bullshit every week.
And now, the meanest thing you can do to a human being. As the sun cracks over New York City, personal trainer Jon Silverman -- who made the girls pay their pound of flesh by shouting out how many pounds of flesh they were a few weeks back -- surprises them in their bedrooms and tells them that they have fifteen minutes to prep themselves for a training class. Adrianne is psyched and Jon tells us she's in "phenomenal condition," telling the other girls that you have to be as "crazy" as Adrianne to really make your workout count. Robin strolls in some extreme amount of time later, much to the Jon's consternation. He takes her into some anterior chamber of some strange weight room I think is supposed to be in the hotel and makes hit sit up against the wall without a chair, yelling, "There's no reason to be late. Down. Lower!" She tells us that his approach to working out didn't "fly right" with her, and he complains similarly, taking her back into a corner and telling her that he doesn't think she's working hard enough. She runs off in tears as Adrianne voices over, "If I was a designer or a photographer, hell if I'd want to work with her" while the real Adrianne goes crazy on a pair of barbells she envisions are shaped like her poverty.
Beauty shots! Extreme beauty shots! WITH SNAKES! Tyra introduces the photographer, Troy Ward, who tells them how close the camera is going to be to their faces, noting, "It really comes from the eyes." Medic! The man is choking on a talking point! He tells them to welcome the models they'll be performing with, and two handlers carry giant snakes into the studio. True to form, most girls are squeamish and squicky about it, but Adrianne wastes no time telling everyone that she has a python at home, so she knows she has an advantage over the other girls. In exposure as well as sheer biology, I guess, as Robin takes this moment to editorialize, "I don't play with reptiles and, y'know, amphibians and all that." And I'll bet you one million god dollars that it's because of the Bible. Because of the stories of Adam and Even. And the amphibious newt who was their undoing. ["I hope she's not denigrating snake handlers, because they love Jesus too." -- Wing Chun] She doesn't like amphibians?
And she shows it! Tyra gives us a confessional in which she hopes to find girls who won't be making squeamish snake faces, and the cut is, brilliantly, to Robin making that exact face. Robin calls on Jesus "I don't know how many times," which is why, like, all of Africa is "um, we're poor and hungry. Have you got any money and food?" and is totally ignored because of the part where He's comforting Robin. Elyse is made to look really pale and has a small white snake wrapped around her, and Tony Ward keeps calling her "ee-LEEZ," which is totally her haughty model name. Kesse has some big-ass snake around her neck, Ebony has some problems with her skin, Shannon looks better on camera than she does in person, Giselle is painted gold and it is hatefully ugly, Heather fears snakes and has the dead eyes, and Adrianne has a purple mask painted across her eyes that makes her look, in her own estimation, like "The Hamburglar." Okay, y'all. Adrianne is in because that is hilarious. If they're only keeping the plus-size model around so she can play Grimace, I say more credit is due to this show than I'd even thought to give it thus far. Tony tells us that, if he had to book one girl today, it would be Adrianne. It was the Hamburglar joke, wasn't it? That's what did it for me.
Tyra Mail! Tyra Mail! "Tomorrow, seven of you will continue on to become America's Top Model. One of you will be eliminated." Nicole lies on her bed eating chips, which is the first sign that she's heading down the slippery slope, and that slippery slope is totally greased with delicious onion dip made from sour cream and soup packets. Giselle jokes that Nicole is going home, and Nicole responds, "I'm not going nowhere. I've still got two damn weeks' worth of clothes." I was going to tell y'all how much Nicole's grammar makes me sic in the above statement, but it dawned on me that, double-negative included, "I'm not going nowhere" is actually the correct construction of what she's trying to say.
Adrianne, too, knows she's not going to get eliminated, "because I try too damn hard." But in the confessional where she shares this knowledge, she starts to look a little horrible, and a cut later she's a shaking, crying, shivering mess, being ushered into the elevator and taken to the hospital. Tyra tells us that if Adrianne doesn't show up at the elimination she'll be booted because it wouldn't be fair to the other girls, and at the emergency room at Lenox Hill, we see Adrianne crawl through the front door telling us she lied that she felt better to get out of the hospital. "She's a tough broad," Elyse tells us, quickly adding, "as she would say in her own words" because kids today love the postmodern self-referentialism.
Last Judgment Day. Adrianne crawls in and stands with the rest of the Crazy 8's. Tyra lays down the prizes one more time and introduces the judges, including special guest judge Jay Manuel. He'll be administering the challenge this week. On the television screen in the room appears a photo of Tyra after she's had all the crack, a style which Jay calls "extreme beauty." Except, duh, for the "beauty" part. They each receive a copy of the photograph and get twenty minutes to recreate the photo with their own makeup. Tyra looks like she's been drowned in a river of ugly.
Or been victimized by food poisoning, which is what Adrianne tells the judges she has. ["Is that the new slang for 'kicking heroin'? Oh, I'm not saying Adrianne is a junkie. I'm just asking. In general. Not about Adrianne. And heroin." -- Wing Chun] She looks awful enough for the gritty photo realism of it all as it is, and the judges tell her that the makeup is perfect. Janice offers her a "well done" for showing up today. Adrianne's picture runs the gamut from "amazing" to "gorgeous," because the fry guys will never steal her mojo, ever. Though I'm a little unhappy with Adrianne for forcing me to use the word "mojo."
Kesse, apparently, also has a hairweave. Janice adds a thought bubble to Kesse's photograph, and it is, "There's a freakin' snake on my shoulders and this is what's registered on my face." Heather's makeup is way too light and her eyes too blank, Tyra noting that she doesn't have "life in the eyes." Elyse didn't take it far enough with her makeup, which is a surprise to Jay because she won the makeup challenge, but they rally around her hottie picture. Shannon nails the insanity of the Tyra picture and nailed the photograph, Giselle does a makeup job that Tyra just flat-out doesn't like, and Robin hits a makeup job that's "perfect." Jay, however, complains about her diva attitude, and Janice gives the international sign for "tsk-tsk" with her two index fingers. Tyra shares the scars that she's been through "hair hell," and Janice starts to play an enormously not-drawn-to-scale violin in a bit of banter I want an entire bonus DVD to feature when this show is finally packaged and sold in its proper medium. Ebony didn't go far enough with the makeup either, and Jay gets his digs in, finally: "I'm actually surprised, after you were bragging about being a makeup artist, and then every test I gave you, you failed." Janice sees "nothing vaguely similar to this makeup whatsoever." Tyra worries after the amount of retouching in Ebony's photo, because she secretly isn't pretty.
And back in they come. Tyra speeches that she has seven photos for eight women, and Shannon will get one of those photos. As will Kesse. And Elyse, Giselle, and Adrianne. Tyra tells Adrianne that she commends her for turning up at Last Judgment Day, but that she has to know how far is too far in pushing herself. Tyra tells Robin that they'll allow one tantrum and no more. Will Ebony and Nicole step forward? They will, indeed. Tyra tells Nicole that her body is beautiful but that she needs to work on her facial expressions, whereas the texture of Ebony's skin "needs a lot of work." And she'll get that work, because she's got the photo and Nicole's got the boot. Nicole hugs all the girls and tells us that she doesn't have any regrets because now she can be with her boyfriend. Ride on, asshole.