The Amazing Race S07E06

Phil opens the show by telling us that "not long ago," eleven teams left Long Beach, California for a racearoundtheworld. Of course, it doesn't seem like a long time to him because he didn't live through the Meatblock Controversy of 2005. At any rate, go! Phil reviews the 13,000 miles the teams have already traveled to Peru, Chile, Argentina, South Africa, and Botswana. Tonight, we will look at a heck of a lot of highlights, and a little bit of extra footage that's there to entice people who haven't missed an episode of this thing since "Swing, you fat bastard!" The first treat of the evening, preceding even the credits, involves Greg and Brian realizing in the car that they're missing a clue. Greg, in the back seat, frantically searches all their paperwork, and cannot locate the clue. "It's not in here, dude," he says unhappily. Brian suddenly reaches into his pocket. "How about that?" he says with a grin, handing it back over the seat. He notes that he had it in his pocket. It's a good thing they get along, because that could get you killed. And why are you carrying a clue in your pocket? Doofus. Phil promises "more exciting moments" to come. If he means "more moments of stupidity," I'm embarrassed to say I'm totally on board.

Credits. I'm so pleased about some of the people who aren't on anymore, and so sad about others. I would have enjoyed seeing Ryan and Chuck engage some giraffes. Ray and Deana milking a goat? I don't think so.

Commercials. William Hung's continuing fame has stopped amusing me, and now makes me seethe.

We return to the initial dash from Long Beach to the airport. Lynn tells Alex in their car that he "may have accidentally pushed Amber." Well, I guess that would be one piece of evidence in the case of You Started It v. No, YOU Started It. We see some spot-shadowed footage in which it really doesn't look like he pushes her very much, meaning I think he's sort of trying to impress Alex by saying he did, which is more than a little irritating. He adds fuel to that theory when he says, "Survive that," and Alex laughs. Ohhh. There have been reports that it's hard to tell whether he actually was seen saying this the other time, so maybe he only said it this time and they dubbed it over there. I certainly hope that's the case, because if he decided he would say that as many times as it took to get it on screen? Laaaame. Elsewhere, Rob and Amber chat about the running at the starting line, and she talks about it being hard to "weave through all the people," but doesn't seem to particularly feel like she was pushed. Rob laughs at the fact that they managed to be the last ones to get on their way. Susan and Patrick are acting excited about Peru, because they haven't spent any time together yet, and they just don't know how it's going to be.

You will recall how everyone met at the airport, but you haven't seen the Ron and Kelly meeting with Ryan and Chuck where politics were discussed. "Who'd y'all vote for?" Ryan asks the POW and Pageant Queen. "George W. Bush," Kelly drawls. "Y'all are The Republicans," Chuck says, and although they don't technically say who they voted for themselves, I don't see guys who also consider themselves Republicans setting out to refer to another team as "The Republicans." I could be wrong, but I choose to believe that Ryan and Chuck are not Bush partisans. Ryan tells Ron and Kelly that they look like they'd be gathered around the bottom of a stage chanting, "Four more years!" Not really a compliment, although Kelly seems to take it as one. Chuck adds that Bush would have loved using them as, like, spokesmodels. Awesome. And true! "That is hil-AR-ious," Kelly says, as she thinks about how wrong everything's gone since they started teaching evolution.

Elsewhere, Rob and Amber chat. He says to her as he sits with an arm around her shoulders, "Remember the three rules. Love me, have fun with me...and don't be last." Hey, at least I think he cares about them in that order.

Teams went to Lima. They dug for clues, and the lead teams weren't happy to see Rob and Amber.

Before the teams headed to Cusco, it turns out that everyone spent some time begging in the airport. Wow, Megan or Heidi -- I no longer remember which is which, but I think it's...Heidi? -- shows her back tattoo while they're begging, which is where things start to get uncomfortable. I never like it when begging for money turns into flashing for money. Uchenna and Joyce are panhandling as well, but he's decided that instead of sexing it up, he's going to try acrobatics. Desperate and fun for all ages! It turns out that Uchenna can do a back handspring, which is pretty cool. I have to wonder where he learned that. It looks like he executes it several times, while Meredith and Gretchen just hit people up in general. Because nobody wants to see broke old people. That's tough. Gretchen interviews that she thought it would be a disadvantage not to be young and hot and scantily clad, but it's working okay for her as it is. With her wool sweater. Heh. Alex, on the other hand, tells Ray and Deana he wishes he had boobs. I would like Alex a lot better if his laugh were less irritating. He kind of needs to get together with Anonymous Jen and laugh...like, away from people.

Cusco. Zip line! Gorge! Load-testing! And then there were the llamas. "I hope we don't get a gay one," Lynn says, immediately earning himself an angry letter from LLAMBDA. (That is a joke I mercilessly stole from a friend, for which I take no responsibility. I wash my hands of the whole thing.) Indeed, as the llamas spit and hiss, we see Lynn interview, "It wasn't cooperating...I swear to God, I think we got the gay llama, it was very bitchy." It's the height of hilarity, really, and so inventive! So anyway, in the hopes that the basket would not also be gay, they switched tasks.

Teams rode in trucks. We watch Brian and Greg introduce themselves to the kids on their truck. They ask what the chickens, traveling with the group, are named, and one of the kids says one of the chickens is named "Brian." Brian agrees that would be okay, having a Peruvian chicken running around bearing his name. Well, "running around" for a fairly short time, I think. The boys laugh and screw around with the kids, which is just another reason why they were awesome and I miss them already.

Bianca helps local women experiment with blush. Because what is the top cosmetic complaint of Peruvian women who work outdoors? Pallor. That's what. Rob and Amber's truck breaks down, and Rob gets under the truck and helps fix it. When he's back up there, he says, "I know a little about cah-s, a little bit. So we got lucky." They get on their way, and he points out that it was "a potential disaster." "Good job, babe!" Amber calls. You can say many things about Boston Rob, and...most of them will be true...but you can't say he doesn't make himself useful.

Debbie and Bianca won the race to the first mat, and Ron and Kelly barely beat out Ryan and Chuck to stay in the race. Booo! Watery, red-state jerkweeds.

Second leg, everyone headed to Arequipa, and in the bus station, we find that Kelly decided to take a group shot of a bunch of unsuspecting locals. She explains to us that when she was Miss South Carolina (you may have heard; it was around the time that Ron was a POW, which you also may have heard), she spoke to lots of students, and now, she hopes she can still be an example. To, you know, kids in Peru. Oh, and she also says she wants to be an example "to the other teams." Spee-yack! Wow, that is really unappealing. And then Ron says, "This is Miss South Carolina, guys." Kelly waves dorkily. "They even recognize her in a foreign country," Ron says. And...I'm totally hoping that was completely sarcastic, because if it was, I spontaneously love Ron like I never have before. If it was sincere, of course, he's an unbelievable moron, because the likelihood of a bunch of miscellaneous Peruvians recognizing Miss South Carolina is approximately as great as the likelihood of Martians recognizing Tubey merchandise. What I find hilarious is that Ron is much more able to keep his yap shut about having been in an Iraqi prison than either one of them are about the fact that she used to be in pageants.

As Amber and Rob talk to their bus-station local, Rob is using a sort of a "jo" pronunciation of "yo" in the phrase "Yo quiero." Amber keeps stopping him and telling him it's wrong, and...it really depends on where you are, I'm almost sure. I'm almost sure it's regional. ["Our Spanish teacher told us that 'jo' -- or, really, a slurry combination of 'jo' and 'yo' -- is kind of the standard, except in Spain. She was from Puerto Rico. If anyone cares. And, in fact, even if no one cares." -- Sars] But still, Amber keeps telling him he's getting it wrong. They old-married-couple this point for a few minutes, and then he asks the guy whether it's supposed to be "yo" or more like "jo." This particular gentleman pronounces it "yo." But he also tells Rob something about a more "jo"-like pronunciation that I think is something about how, indeed, that pronunciation might be appropriate in some parts of Argentina, or something, but I'm not sure, and Rob certainly doesn't know. He goes over to Amber, and she's like, "What?" And Rob says, "He said I was right," and grins, and Amber laughs and says, "What-EV-er," and he laughs his "Busted!" laugh, and for all of their other flaws, I think they really do dig each other. Which is pretty cool for anyone, including professional reality show contestants.

Of course, after that, everything got more unpleasant as Rob snagged the direct bus. Other teams caught on, et cetera, and we don't really see any more of this than before. Ray claims in an interview that Rob lied, and Debbie bitches in an interview about how Rob "yelled at" her, which doesn't appear to be the case, particularly since she's the one picking the fight to begin with, so...whatever, girlie. In an interview, Rob tells the camera that what amuses him the most is that he's not even sure he's got the fastest bus, but everyone is so paranoid about everything he's doing that they're following him on the strength of that alone. Which...is true. And stupid.

And now, the story of how Patrick got his bandage. It turns out that as the teams were getting on the bus to Arequipa, Patrick conked his head on the side of the bus and had to go and get medical attention. He didn't even need a stitch, so he just got an ugly Band-Aid, and then they headed out. You can kind of see why they left that riveting story out of the original show. They don't nominate the editors for Emmys for nothin', you know.

Megan and Heidi, Brian and Greg, flirty-flirty. Yuck. I'm trying not to think about it.

And then, interestingly enough, there is a lamb being butchered on the floor of the bus. And the lady who brought it shares it with the entire group. And everyone is really grateful and happy, except for -- you guessed it -- Lynn and Alex, because -- you guessed it -- they can't stop bitching about how icky it was, because they have decided that this routine is hilarious, no matter how old it gets and no matter how many times we watch them do it. "It was making me dry-heave," Lynn complains. Well, you can...take that approach to strangers in foreign countries, or you can choose not to. And if you choose not to, I personally believe you'll have a better time, but I wouldn't want to interfere with anyone's shtick.

We are headed for the Shoeshineblock in Santiago -- but first, it turns out there was a layover in Lima, Peru. Brian and Greg check out the surroundings at the airport and conclude that it doesn't look too comfortable, so Greg suggests that maybe they could share a room with...you know, Megan and Heidi. Just for laughs. Or whatever. "Ding!" says the snarky soundtrack as Brian smiles at the thought. The four apparently reach some sort of an understanding, because they do indeed head out to split a hotel room. Brian says that he and Megan "hit it off" right away. And he would like to, "like, date her." I'm not sure what it means to "like, date her," but I'm not sure I want to know, because it might make me sad. ["It means I no longer want to, like, date him, that's for sure. Nice going, Brian." -- Sars] "The guys were perfect gentlemen," Megan interviews. "Didn't...try anything." And then she looks off to the side all cutesy, like she wants to make sure you don't miss how naughty she is. So very tiresome, that routine.

Santiago. Shop/Schlep Detour. The crowded streets of this chaotic marketplace! It turns out that Ron and Kelly fought about the books even more than we thought. Because on the way back, she blames him, and he doesn't like that she's blaming him, and ultimately, he says, "You need to zip it, okay?" Hee. Oh, if only he had made more frequent use of that admonition. At any rate, Rob and Amber won the leg, and Megan and Heidi barely lost a race to the pit stop with the boys and were eliminated, which was a good thing, because I hate romantic alliances among teams. This is not a show where I favor inter-team canoodling.

Third leg. Time to drive through the mountains. But first! Rob and Amber stole Debbie and Bianca's cab, remember? It turns out that Debbie and Bianca didn't even know that their cab was stolen by Rob, and actually offered a truce while everyone waited for the parking garages to open. We know, because we watch Bianca and Rob shake on it. So you know Rob thinks that's extra-funny, despite the fact that stealing the cab wasn't an especially devastating blow to begin with. And then everyone drove through the mountains, except Debbie and Bianca, who drove to the ocean. Very much in the wrong direction, there, ladies.

Lynn and Alex spot a Wal-Mart sign along the road in Argentina. Not only that, but a SuperCenter! I like the fact that they seem extra-surprised that it's a SuperCenter. It's like they aren't surprised that Argentina is in the early stages of Wal-Mart-ization...they're just surprised things have gone so far. I know how they feel.

Bike/Raft Detour. Rob and Amber threw down with Lynn and Alex, and Lynn and Alex emerged victorious. Alex claims that Rob shot them dirty looks when they passed him, but you couldn't prove it by me. Oh, and Meredith and Gretchen did well on the rafting. We didn't realize it at the time, but this was because you could dash Gretchen on the rocks along the river, and she would be like, "Oops-a-daisy! Boost me back into the raft! Watch out for my dangling retina!"

Meatblock! Oh, please. Let's not go through it all again. The first time almost killed me.

Ultimately, Lynn and Alex came to the pit stop first. Ron and Kelly noted that the people who quit the task were bad human beings, and Kelly called Ray and Deana "Rob and Amber's puppets." Patrick and Susan eked out the victory over Debbie and Bianca, and the roller-skating cuties were Philminated. It was totally a moral victory for them, because they certainly didn't deserve to be bounced from the race just because they don't know the difference between mountains and ocean. Or east and west. Or asking directions and snorting at locals. Bye, ladies!

Argentinean Ranch. Horseblock! As hard as it is to believe, it turns out that Deana had an even worse time with her horse than we saw the first time. Not really sure what's up with the inappropriate use of oompah music, because she's not feeding the horse sausages and beer or anything, but she does even more whining than you'd think. And Ray's like, "Kick the horse, Deana!" He really does hate it when you don't kick hard enough. "My shoe fell off," Deana whines at one point. Well, that will interfere with your kicking. Susan and Patrick didn't have a good experience, either. It turns out that Patrick sat down and declared the task "impossible" at one point. So he was working that "never say anything other than 'die'" attitude all day long.

In case you've forgotten -- in case anyone has let you -- Rob and Amber weaseled their way onto the first flight. They're living the American dream, et cetera. Then we had the Shipwreck/Island Detour, in which your choices ran the gamut from A to A and a half...or something. This is, however, where you find your Brian/Greg Character Moment, in which Greg interviews that he and Brian don't want to wind up just playing the game for its own sake. They want to have fun, too. "We already know where we are in our relationship." We cut to the world's most awesome piece of interview footage, in which Brian says, "We're not out to decide if we should be brothers anymore," and looks at Greg, and Greg cracks up. And it's so hilarious, and true, and they just kind of called out one of the show's dumber aspects, so that's pretty awesome. Not that I'd be surprised if some show at some point found a way to put on a pair of siblings who were deciding whether to be siblings anymore. At any rate, in spite of their penalty, Rob and Amber finished first.

We see that Meredith and Gretchen head for this pit stop in their taxi, but they have no money for their driver. Gretchen digs through her little bag, looking for something to offer. She offers the driver a calculator, which he turns down. Math stinks. (Hee hee, sorry, Mom!) Gretchen also notes that she has an orange, a compass, and a watch. Give him the orange! Just kidding. I love it when Meredith says to her, "Say something to him." "Veeer-gin Mary bless you!" Gretchen says, touching the guy's head. And that is just so goofy that I have to find it spastically endearing at some level. And then Gretchen starts to kick herself for eating today rather than, I guess, saving their money for the cab. When they get to the pit stop, Meredith gives the driver something -- might be an inexpensive watch -- and tells him it's worth $20 in the U.S. The driver reaches out and gregariously claps Meredith on the shoulder with a grin, and Meredith shoulder-claps him back. And then Gretchen and the driver share a little hug. Aw! At the mat, they explain to Phil that they basically had to find someone who would bring them in spite of the fact that they didn't have any money, so they gave him everything they could. Meredith talks about how wonderful they've found all the people in Argentina to be. And then Susan and Patrick are Philiminated. And...yeah, it's uncomfortable, in the sense that you kind of sense that their hostility is not game-related.

The morning, the teams headed out for "a doozy" in the form of a trip to Johannesburg. (Which, by the way, is totally not the capital of South Africa -- I am stupid.) Everyone angled for flights. Lynn and Alex are seen begging for money while Rob watches them, talking about how much he'd like to Yield them -- as he calls them, "Frick and Frack." Hee. "You'd rather get Alex and Lynn than anybody else?" Amber asks, a little surprised. "Yeah," he says. "Besides us, I think they may be the strongest. They're on top of things, you know?" Again, this is the part of Rob's personality I like -- he's not too blinded by personal dislike to recognize that Lynn and Alex are also playing well. I'm not sure Lynn and Alex would do the same. I'm not sure Lynn's analysis of Rob and Amber extends beyond, "Those bitches."

Johannesburg. Apparently, the act of getting into the SUVs was fairly difficult, because these teams do not specialize in being unrelentingly awesome. Rob and Amber once again have trouble opening the trunk of their SUV, and they get a lead from Gretchen about where the latch is. If I were the other teams, I would take advantage of this bizarre blind spot while I could, I have to say. They don't have that many, but that certainly seems to be one. Of course, everyone is also distracted by the fact that the steering wheel was on the wrong side -- which primarily seems to have caused problems with use of the turn signal versus use of the wipers. "What's up with these windshield wipers?" Greg asks from the back seat as Brian runs them on what appears to be a clear day. "My blinker's on the wrong side," Brian says sheepishly. "I've been changing lanes with my windshield wipers." Similarly, Rob runs the wipers as he complains about the stick and the clutch being on the wrong side, as well as the wipers and turn signal. "The wipers...they're killin' me," he says. "Why do you keep using the wipers?" Amber asks him. "'Cause I'm tryin' to change lanes," Rob says flatly, which is pretty funny. Because...of course! You would. It seems for a moment that Amber is a little slow on the uptake, as she says, "Why would you use the wipers to change lanes?" "'Cause it's on the wrong side!" Rob says impatiently, and then you see that Amber is laughing and reaching up to chuck his shoulder from the back seat, and it appears that she's fucking with him, which is awesome, because it means she knows she can fuck with him, and if a guy like that has a girlfriend who knows fucking with him is okay, that goes a long way toward making his personality far less gross. Deana also has a hell of a time with the driving, and seems barely able to get the car to move. I'm thinking Ray can't drive stick, because otherwise, I can't imagine why he would have let this go this long. She almost gets them flattened, too, which I'm glad didn't happen, because it would have made them oddly sympathetic in some way. Meredith tries to turn around, but he seems to drift into his old habit of driving on the right side, to the point where he almost crashes right into somebody. The music would like you to think that was funny, rather than...you know, death-defying.