Houston, We Have An Elephant

Previously on Good 1, Evil 0: Everyone hauled ass from Argentina to South Africa, and Ray and Deana snagged the Fast Forward. Rob and Amber, on the other hand, learned that neither "Fast" nor "Forward" is any kind of an enforceable contract provision. Gretchen cracked her head on the side of a cave, but was surprisingly unfazed, to the point where she barely stopped nagging her husband (in the best way) to get the damn clue so they could leave. They did arrive last at the pit stop, though, and while it was non-elimination, it was also even more of a mugging than before, as Phil took not only all their money but all of their stuff as well, probably scoring some kick-ass old-man pants and a giant can of antifungal foot powder. Uchenna and Joyce were the nicest people ever, reaching out to orphans and the elderly within a span of about five minutes. : Uchenna and Joyce play Twister at a leper colony! Then in Botswana, Greg and Brian crashed their car, and Lynn and Alex stopped for the sole purpose of showing that their deep-seated human compassion was morally superior to the mad drive-by skillz of Rob and Amber, which it kind of was at that particular moment. Unfortunately, every time compassion tried to take a well-deserved bow, self-righteousness pushed it out of the way, like, "This is my show, bitches." Ray and Deana fought at the Detour to the point where they couldn't even pound corn (not a euphemism, not that I think they were doing much of that, either), and it all led to a highly dramatic foot race to the pit stop, in which Ray and Deana found their asses smoked by the delectable Brian and Greg. Thank God. Go home, people. My sense is that Deana needs a chemical peel, a new boyfriend, and about twenty-four straight days of uninterrupted sleep. Get a clue, Ray: In Runaway Bride, Julia Roberts married Richard Gere, not Christopher Meloni, and imagine how undesirable Christopher Meloni's personality traits would have to be in order for that to occur. Climbing Annapurna is not a honeymoon! Anyway. Six teams left. Who will be Philiminated...?

Credits. I can't believe there are literally two American flags in the background of the Ron and Kelly shot. I'm surprised there's not a big Uncle Sam walking around on stilts with sparklers in both hands while a marching band replete with tubas goes by. [BOMP.]

Commercials. My argument with myself over whether I'm going to go see Fever Pitch has reached the point where a professional mediator may be required.

We jerkily jerk around until it is time to settle over the plains of Botswana (the desert, the flatlands...I'm not National Geographic over here, y'all) and then we observe a large knot of elephants who undoubtedly were not asked to sign releases, and thus are trying to keep their faces away from the cameras in favor of their enormous rear ends. Phil explains that we are here in the Kalahari desert, and the assortment of wildlife is really rather stunning. Ostriches! Lions! Zebras! And then there is the salt pan where we find our pit stop, which Phil believes to be "reminiscent of the surface of the moon." Note the absence of gravity, and the golf ball that Phil just shot into the stratosphere using only the power of one foot. Not really. At least he's dressed nicely.

We watch yesterday's footage of the teams arriving as Phil explains in the Patter of Little Feats how they'll have to find their way to the route marker and so forth. And they'll use "clues." Like "Drive from Point A to Point B." I'd have a better joke here if it were a surer bet that everyone would decipher such a "clue."

Phil wonders whether Ron and Kelly's All-American relationship will traverse the heartlands of their empty souls and arrive, breathless and swollen with jingoistic passion, at the Lincoln Memorial of love. I swear, this is the only couple I've ever seen where I can totally imagine the first dance at their wedding being "God Bless The U.S.A." And she would wear this dress -- which I first found here, incidentally, and could not imagine who might wear it. You know who would wear it? Kelly. Anyway, Phil also ponders whether Brian and Greg can dig their asses out of last place.

5:29 AM. Just as things are all twilighty, it's time for Ron and Kelly to rip their clue and go. It tells them to drive 141 miles, as Phil explains, past the city of Maun and to Sankuyo Village. There, they'll find a water tower where the clue is located. Rather revoltingly, Kelly explains in a voice-over that she was reading "the love chapter in the Bible" and substituting her name for the word "love." No, really. NO, REALLY. She was changing the Bible so it was about herself, and if I could wrap up the irony and stupidity of that sentiment and make it into a button, I would wear it on my lapel every day until I'm dead, because are you kidding me? Nevertheless, we'll give Kelly the benefit of the New American Standard version so that it actually says "love" and not "charity," which is what the King James says. The Bible really isn't a Celine Dion ballad, after all, not that I expect Kelly to get that, particularly. Anyway, if you want to see what she's talking about, you can do so here. So, she claims that she was trying to take this new Kelly-centric Bible and make it instructive regarding the way she's going to treat Ron today. Let's follow along and see how she does! Ron, meanwhile, says he hasn't been thinking about their relationship. Snerk. They are totally that couple where she would turn around in the middle of a fight and snap, "This would never happen if you really loved Jesus!", and somehow I sense that he'd be chewing, probably, and he'd be all, "What?" They follow markers away from the pit stop toward, presumably, Maun. And, one hopes, redemption.

5:43 AM. Rob and Amber. Amber tells us that she thinks doing the race is great, but she's especially happy that they're getting along so well and having such a good time. Rob, taking a slightly darker view, interviews that they "have no friends left," which I'm sure is quite a rude surprise for Rob, considering how hard he's been trying, all in hopes that he could go out for president of the Rotarians on the strength of his shit-eating grin. How, really, could he have known it would end up this way? In the car, he comments on how beautiful Botswana is. Ah, Rob. Botswana will never love you back, my man.

5:51 AM. Uchenna and Joyce. We learn that the teams have $85 for the leg. They jog to their car, and Uchenna talks about how happy they are to find themselves in Africa. And alive, and driving, and talking, and wearing clothes, and really, everything makes them happy, but not in a gross way, which is very hard to do. Uchenna's father, it turns out, is a native Nigerian, so he's finding it pretty profound to "put your feet on soil that your ancestors actually are from." Man, I feel the same way every time I'm, like, in the suburbs. They follow the markers away from the pit stop.

5:52 AM. Lynn and Alex. Unsurprisingly, Alex believes that he and Lynn are playing differently than anyone else. And I don't want to give anything away, but you should know that they don't exactly think that they way they play the game makes them less awesome than everyone else. He goes on to say that while other teams are "dirty," he and Lynn are "good, honest players," but are just "sneaky." That's quite a piece of spin. Dirty is dirty, unless it's you -- then it's just sneaky! If I ever get caught in a giant scandal, I am totally hiring these guys as my spinmeisters. They do it with such righteous conviction, you know?

6:12 AM. Happy tootling music swiped from Lion King outtakes brings us to Meredith and Gretchen, who have now officially lasted longer than they should have under any logical version of events, and are thus an unavoidably happy story, because it's all Gravy Time now, baby! Besides, I know that speaking for myself, I'm never more cheerful than right after a head injury. Gretchen talks about what a "miracle" it is that they're still around, and how "anything can happen in this game, that's for sure." Oh, and "it's good to be alive." I'm telling you, having no excuse for not having already been eliminated really takes a lot of the pressure off. They watch for markers, and are happy to finally see one.

6:22 AM. Giving proper love to the Game Show Network, Brian rips open their clue with a hearty "Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies." Hee. I'm not sure when I reached the point of being able to entirely forgive him for the fact that he has a stupid bandanna tied around his head at all times, but I'm kind of over it. It's shocking, given that it's sort of one of my signature gripes. Maybe some part of me knows that if I could see his hair, it would all be so much worse. Greg says that they really think all the teams are strong at this point, but they've got Meredith and Gretchen not far ahead of them, so they'd love to successfully knock off the old people today. As they drive, Brian comments on the "fresh tracks" in front of them. "I see the dirt hasn't been settled very long," he says seriously. "The old wise bushman from the other day taught me to read tracks." Snerk. They admire the sunrise and comment on all the sunrises they've seen together. "Yeah," Greg says. "We should be dating." Well, yes. Yes, you should. Oh, you meant each other? Huh. I was thinking of...something else.

Ron and Kelly reach the sign that says that Maun is to the left and Nata is to the right. Kelly tells him to go left, toward Maun. He forgets why that is, and she tightly says, "I read it to you earlier." ("Kelly is patient." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:4.) He hesitates about following the route markers, and then before you know it, they're driving along, and she's asking him whether she's "gotten on [his] nerves a lot." Oh, that's really smart, not. "Naw, not at all," he says unconvincingly. And then he looks around with this awesome little smile like, "I can't see her back there -- is she buying?" ["I would comment on this, but I'm too busy making a homemade 'Free Ron' t-shirt with a Sharpie." -- Sars]

Rob mentions that it's a "pretty nice day here in Africa." Amber agrees, as she is wont to do. "It's only about 140 degrees today," he adds, as an ostrich jogs along the road ahead of them. "Get outta he-ah," he says with surprise, giving a little ostrich-chasing honk. "This is crazy," Amber laughs as she looks at what are actually several ostriches frolicking along the road. She compares this favorably to your average animal crossing, with its deer and so forth. She tells us in an interview that going on an African safari was one of the things she has always wanted to do, so this was an awesome opportunity. Of course, she was likely envisioning an African safari where she would be competing against animals for a million dollars or something, but this will have to do. "We're just trying to keep it all in our heads and remember everything, 'cause we're just so lucky," he says. "We're the two luckiest people in the world," she comments simply. (Somewhere, Lex cracks a molar while grinding his teeth.)

Uchenna and Joyce turn toward Maun. Lynn and Alex, just behind them, notice that Uchenna and Joyce are going a little slowly, and they decide to pass. They beep-beep and wave as they go by, which is like gloating, only more passive-aggressive. Uchenna and Joyce comment on their unhappiness at being passed. Up ahead, Lynn is enthralled by the appearance in the road of a bunch of cows. As it happens, the cows part as he approaches. Wow. Maybe that's his superpower. Wouldn't that suck if you turned out to have a totally unmarketable talent, like parting a sea of cows with your mind? Anyway, Lynn doesn't seem to mind. "Oh, thank you, cow-cow," he says with affection, sure that they are stepping aside because he stopped to help Brian and Greg when their car flipped, unlike you-know-who. "It's weird when there are animals ker-rossing the road," Lynn says emphatically. Uchenna and Joyce have to honk a bit more to clear out one particularly stubborn errant cow, but they get through as well.

Meredith and Gretchen come up to a structure along the road, and she wonders aloud whether it's the water tower. But when they drive in and look around, they see no clue box anywhere. Then Gretchen checks the clue and notes that they have to drive through Maun first, so this can't possibly be the water tower yet. They continue on, and they see the sign for Maun and get going.

Just behind them, Brian and Greg also see the same thing by the side of the road. Or perhaps a different thing, but equally distracting in that it tempts them with the siren song: "I may be a waaaater tower."

Up ahead, Ron and Kelly take a dunk through a giant puddle of water. They are at the water tower, so they park their car and get out. The clue is for this week's Detour, which Phil explains offers a choice between Carry It and Milk It. In Carry It, each team member has to carry three different items on his head about 70 yards. And no hands, you cheaters! As if anyone didn't get that part. (I know -- if they didn't give specific instructions, Rob would be like, "Can I hold Amber's with my hands, and she can hold mine with her hands, and then neither of us would be touching our own blah blah blah," and the show would need to travel with a panel of legal scholars, and the forums would get 300,000 posts a week, and I would have to quit my job. Anyway.) In Milk It, the team has to corral a goat or several and then squeeze out enough milk to fill a cup. Phil promises that milking goats isn't as easy as it seems like it would be. It's really sad, because I only have the one goat joke, and if I tell you here that milking goats is hard because all of a sudden, they may spit out a tin can and a shoe and hit you in the eye, you'd be like, "Hmm, I've heard that before." It's like goats eating trash is my "congressional filibuster."

Ron and Kelly head for the goats initially, but they sort of run into the Carry It option on the way there, and Ron doesn't think it looks that bad. The first thing they do is put on a little donut on top of your head to make it easier to carry stuff. They choose to start with what's probably the hardest item, which is a bucket of water. Kelly immediately says it's going to be awfully hard to walk with the water on her head. "Stick it on your head and walk; you're the ballet girl," he says to her. She repeats that she can't do it; he repeats that from ballet, she should know how to do this. "I don't balance buckets on my head and do pirouettes," she snaps. ("Kelly is not provoked." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Ron says that if they're going to go for the goats, then they need to decide, so she announces that yes, she can't do the water, so they're switching. "Miss Ballet can't balance the bucket," he mutters.

Rob and Amber approach the Detour clue box and note that there's another team ahead of them. They rip the clue and are both inclined to do the goats. "This should be very amusing," Amber adds. I'm not sure the goats will feel the same way.

Back at what is definitely not the water tower, Brian and Greg get out of their car. When they don't see a clue, Brian theorizes that perhaps they have to climb it. So he starts to climb up the side. Oy. Then they read it again and see that it says the clue will be under the water tower. So...yeah, not so much with the climbing. Brian starts back down, muttering, "I'm climbing the water tower...for no reason." They agree that they're "idiots," and obviously aren't sure what to do. Sniff.

Commercials. Locusts! Oh, I'll make time.

Brian and Greg are still staring at the water tower when we return, but they decide that it has to be the wrong one, because they just don't see a clue. They get in their car. And now, they finally look at the clue again and finally see that they have to pass through Maun. They make the left toward Maun. Yikes.

Ron and Kelly grab a few goats, and the camera guys grab a few extra shots of Kelly's cleavage as they wrestle for control. (As Ron and Kelly wrestle for control with the goats. You people are so tacky.) They see Rob and Amber arriving, and Kelly frets about how they lost time. "If we make a decision at the beginning, we need to stick with it," she complains, focusing on the part where Ron got it in his head to do the balancing, rather than the part where she bailed on said balancing. ("Kelly does not take into account a wrong suffered." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Ron has noticed this, and points out that if she could balance the bucket, they wouldn't be in this situation at all. Man, this is exactly like bombing downtown Baghdad.

Rob and Amber get the impression that the goats look tough, so he says, "Let's go do the oth-ah thing." They head toward the carrying. She immediately takes to it, and Rob praises her, but he can't keep up with her. Interestingly enough, he specifically has taken his hat off to do this, and the EEFPs noticed that in all likelihood, he'd be better off with it on. Ultimately, as he struggles, she says simply, "If you can't do it, tell me right now." "Yeah," he says, putting down the corn and cutting his losses. "We think we can do the goats a little bit better," Amber says diplomatically as they run in that direction. They haul goats from the pen, as Rob says to one of them, "Watch your horn, buddy." Heh. Rob and the goat are buddies. It seems oddly appropriate.

Ron snipes to Kelly that the carrying would really be faster, but she repeats that she wasn't able to do it. Rob and Amber, meanwhile, get started on their goats.

Lynn and Alex are talking about their car, and whether you'd need one in L.A., and I'm rapidly losing interest in this conversation from what started as a fairly low level of interest in the first place. Uchenna and Joyce admire the roadside ostriches. Gretchen cautions Meredith not to hit any animals. Brian and Greg lament how badly they're doing. I have a feeling the boys spent a lot of time at that "water tower" that wasn't.

Up at the Detour, hillbilly music accompanies the ongoing attempts at milking. A goat complains relatively affably, all things considered, and Ron replies, "I got your nipple in a noose." I involuntarily flinch on behalf of my people, much as men involuntarily flinch when a soccer player takes a penalty kick directly to the wonderfulness. Rob, on the other hand, thinks that one of their goats is becoming jealous that "he" hasn't been milked yet. I'm no farm girl, and I don't want a bunch of emails, but I really don't think it's a "he," Rob. Amber calls their current goat "he" also.

Lynn and Alex and Uchenna and Joyce, closely followed by Meredith and Gretchen, hit the Detour clue box. The boys and retirees go with the milking; Uchenna and Joyce go with the carrying. Ron and Kelly are still milking their goats, and -- there are Kelly's boobs again! ("Kelly does not act unbecomingly." -- 1 Kellyrinthians 13:5.) Amber continues milking, and Rob wonders, "This is the best teat so far." Oh, teat jokes. How you do materialize with almost no effort. As Lynn and Alex arrive, Lynn looks over at Rob and Amber, makes a loud "baa" sound, and claps his hands several times. I thought it was fairly obvious that he was trying to see if he could fuck them up and scare their goats or whatever, so I certainly hope not to see too much moralizing from him in the future. One can imagine how he would react to similar treatment from Rob. When Lynn and Alex see that Rob and Amber are still there and have presumably been around for a while, they decide to go and try Carry It. As they run off, having made their noisy presence known, Rob can only shake his head. Me too.

Ron and Kelly note the arrival of Meredith and Gretchen. "Here's a goat that has nice big teats!" Gretchen sort of brays, and...it's true. "Teats" is like "chest cavity"; it's inherently funny. Yeah, yeah, you're "too good" for it. I've heard it before.

Uchenna and Joyce start out with the carrying. Lynn and Alex are trying it as well. Lynn is skeptical, but Alex says, "It's just like modeling." And...are we thinking Lynn knows modeling? Because...I don't mean to be catty, but...is that going to make it more familiar to Lynn? Uchenna and Joyce have little trouble with the first thing they carry, which is the big round tray of corn that Rob kept dropping. I think that among other things, Uchenna figured out that there's not that much benefit in being too slow, so he's just trying to keep himself moving as fast as possible. He actually whistles while stomping across to the finish lines, and he's there in no time, followed by Joyce. Lynn, on the other hand, can't get anywhere with the basket on his head. "Alex, let's do the goats," he whines, and he and Alex run off. But not before Lynn adds, "I mean, Uchenna and Joyce, they were, like, born to do that." Oh, boy. I mean...does it make him a honking racist? No. Does it make him hopelessly tin-eared? Oh, my, yes. And is it probably an unfortunate outburst of insensitivity brought on by frustration and fed by very real stereotypes? Oh, probably. Very, very bad, dude. I realize there were those who hoped it was just kind of congratulatory, like, "Wow, they're great at this!", but I think that's just...too optimistic. The tone is too frustrated, like, "Well, sure, they can do it." And "born to do this"? Yeah, he doesn't mean anything by it, but when you put it together with "Tupac" and all that? Not a shining moment, and not indicative of a high level of care in speaking, for a guy who bitches so much about other people's moral failings.