Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally found out she has a daughter. Richard made Ally partner. She looked at the books and said Richard has too much overhead. Richard offered Dame Edna a job. Because he needs someone good around (and there is no one left). Maddie asked if Ally is "ready for this," and Ally made a speech about spending lots of money on therapists trying to figure out which guy is right and the guy being a ten-year-old girl, and Ally's home. This is when I realized that David E. Kelley is really a total genius who sees directly into my soul, makes a little picture with lights and sound, and puts it on television each week for all to see. Why have I been dissing him all this time? The show just gets better and better with each moment. I'm an idiot.
Lights up on soft music and a fireplace; Ally is curled up to it with a book. Seriously. How jealous am I right now? There's a knock on the door, and Ally opens it to a bright, chipper woman who tells Ally that her "eggs are completely safe," and were never harvested, and pointing out Madison's "rightful parents." Ally punches her in the nose. Then, she snaps awake in bed because it was just a dream, not a hallucination, and goes to cuddle with Maddie. Maddie lets her. Oh my god, if Maddie were a dog or a guy named Ben, this could be me. I'm having one of those ding moments when all is right in the universe that happens during moments when you eat ice cream and see fluffy bunnies and wiggly puppies and watch this wonderful, wonderful program. Om.
Oh my god, special appearance by Shirley Knight? Awesome.
Richard is taking Dame Edna to court with him, because she's "familiar with the files," and would probably be better than an actual lawyer would be. She and Ray cross paths, and she salaciously relays that Ray is "looking well." Harassment! Not. Richard yanks Dame Edna onto the elevator, interrupting her non-tête-à-tête with El Boy De Frat. She says there's no need to yank her like that, and that yanking is "a battery." Hoo, boy.
So, an old lady knocks on Ally's door, then asks who Ally is when she opens the door. Ally stammers, bites her hair, and answers that's she's, um, Ally McBeal. Then she asks, "Who-who-who are YOOUU?" It's some lady who knew Vincent, the guy who lived in the house before Ally "bought it in probate." Vincent is dead, yo. This old lady was "the love of his life," and she looks all wistful when she says it. Of course, Ally invites the old lady in to Ally can hear her sad, sad story. It's more "dramatic" than just closing the door.
Old Lady "dreamed" of Dead Vincent when she was in her forties. Then, they met in real life and fell in love. Then, I barfed so hard I had to stop recapping. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi walks in all casual, "Hello!" Old Lady gasps horribly and says, "Oh my god! It's-it's-it's HIM!" Obi-Wan Bon Jovi gets that all the time, and seems unfazed. Old Lady says Victor is Vincent, the dead guy. The oboe is sad. Me too. But for a different reason.
Okay, the show is canceled. As of now. I can't go on. Oh, I'll try. Richard is hearing testimony from a man's SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, when a girl he crushed out on wrote him a note saying she wanted to go to prom with him, but that he shouldn't discuss it. Dame Edna -- who is listening intently at Richard's table (I guess she's second chair? Whatever!) -- asks what the note said. Both Judge Albert Hall and Richard give her a look, but the witness answers. The note said just that -- she wanted to go to freaking prom. He acknowledges the cliché, but still says his "heart flew that day." Oy, with the flying hearts. The guy and the chick were to meet at a footbridge before prom, and guess what? She never showed and it was all a cruel joke by some of his so-called friends. Albert Hall is finally all, hellooo? And this antiquated prom story has to do with what, now? It has to do with Prom Guy's inability to maintain a successful long-term relationship. His voice gets angry as he talks about "the hurt [he] suffered as a teenager." So, he's suing the chick? Or the friends? Like I care. Dame Edna loudly blows her nose.
Obi-Wan Bon Jovi is hustling Ally out the door to "an appointment." He insists he'll be fine with the Old Lady. What, is he baby-sitting seniors now? Ally kvetches, "Thank you, thank you," and is gone. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi walks over to Old Lady, who asks for "the truth. You're Vincent Graves, aren't you?" There's a pause, and a beat, then a moment, then he says, "Yes." Ally of course re-enters the room she just ran out of to hear him say so. The piano plays softly. Ally's face is smooth and placid, just like a patch of ice on the sidewalk. WTF?
Ally is having a pow-wow with Obi-Wan. She feels it's "reckless" to mess with the mind of "an elderly woman" and tell her he's someone he's not. Obi-Wan is all, "She needs to believe!" In what? Life after love? Miracles? You and me? That she can fly? That she can touch the skiii-iii-haaaaii? Obi-Wan is all, "Trust me on this," and the Old Lady comes out and asks if Ally and Obi-Wan are sitting in a tree, or doing it, or anything in-between those two options. Obi-Wan says no, which makes Ally look at him peevishly. He says he's "just the sitter." Old Lady says Dead Vincent used to say he wished he and Old Lady had met when they were younger, and why did he "take [himself] back in time and not [Old Lady]?" Um, Old Lady? Get out of the house. Just go. There's no reason for you to be there. Where did you come from? Go back. Obi-Wan says that "they didn't take [him] back; [he] returned." Why? asks Old Lady. Why, to see Old Lady, of course! This is the part where I scream that if this is to be a love-fest between Obi-Wan and Old Lady that they get a room, or take it to, say, ANOTHER LOCATION. Ally just rolls her eyes. Old Lady sighs and trembles like she just had a backstage pass tucked into her acid-washed jeans.
Cage, Fish and McBeal. Ally rolls off the elevator and takes the coffee Elaine hands her. Someone, a "he," is waiting in Ally's office, and "he isn't happy." Ally asks Elaine to call a Dr. Franklin and tell her Ally will be fifteen minutes late. Is that some kind of meta-statement, like this show's fifteen minutes are so fucking over they're considered "late"?
Ally rushes into her office and sees Ray, with his feet on her desk and his giant head cocked to the side. She offers him a job, starting at $225K and with a consideration for partner in three years. He's all, why would I want to work here? She says that there's "fun," people his "own age," a real partner in Richard Fish, and "girls in the bathroom." He looks at her like he smells dog poo. She relays the items that the job will not include: "The right to be a bigot, the opportunity to be a gender-based pig," and being sexist. True: those are DEK's touchstones, and you want to stay off his turf. Ally says Ray can "have autonomy here," that it "can be the most fun job [he] ever had in [his] life," and if he "acts like a tree trunk, [she'll] chop him down." Timber?
Okay, Prom Guy is suing his three friends for what they did to him in high school twenty-five years ago. The "way [they] pulled the rug out from under" him has made him unable to love. Even though he's been friends with them all this time. The lawyer for the defense asks if any therapist has told him to "GET! OVER IT!" Richard objects, and Albert Hall says the case is dismissed, since we all had love, heartbreak, and tricks played on us in high school. The music is mischievous, and Dame Edna pouts. Can I guess where this is going? No, I don't want to ruin it.
Ally and Maddie are in a doctor's office. Ally wants the DNA test expedited: she can't wait a week. The nurse exits to "change the request form," as if labs give you preferences when you get stuff tested. Maddie asks if she will have to go back with Bonnie Boone if she and Ally aren't related. And why are they getting this stupid test done, anyway? Ally says Maddie won't go back with Bonnie, I guess because Ally wuvs Maddie so vewy much and would never-ever-wever give up her daughter, and that she wants to know for sure that Maddie is "hers." Ally doesn't want there to be a knock on the door and someone to say her instant family is "a mistake." Can I say it's "sick and wrong," then? Or "totally artificial"? Or, "devised from the mind of a desperate man who doesn't want his anchor show on the FOX network to tank, or maybe he does after all"? Maddie asks that if the test is negative, will Ally "protect herself against loving [Maddie] too much"? Too late for that, I think. Ally loves Maddie as much as that tiny anorexic figure can love. But Ally just looks at Maddie with her mouth gaping open. No words, just sad music. Again. Some more.
Okay, JBJ fans, hold onto your cans of Aqua Net. He's SINGING. And PLAYING GUITAR. He opens his huge mouth with his giant veneered teeth and sings a slightly changed-up version of "Some Enchanted Evening" to Old Lady. She's plotzing, like any groupie would. Me, I want to hear "She's a Runaway." Ally wanders in, in an old Prada shirt and nice black pants. She strikes a pose on the doorjamb, says hello, and Old Lady wetly says that "Vincent" was just playing their song. That's cool. Me, I was pulling my hair out in clumps and cursing the day I was handed this assignment, and hoping to god that the effect I have on a lot of the shows I've recapped takes effect on this one, but fast. I'm talking about cancellation, people. Let us pray. Ally stammers that she, um, wants to talk to Obi-Wan Bon Jovi for a, um, minute.
What is Obi-Wan doing, messing with a delusional old lady like Old Lady? Doesn't he know she's old and delusional? Well, yeah, he does. Obi-Wan "made some calls," and learned that Old Lady did have an affair with the guy who used to live in Ally's house, and that Old Lady has been diagnosed with senile dementia and lives in a home. A home she can go back to? Please say "yes," and "now." Old Lady knew Dead Vincent was dead, but "just blocked it out." Old Lady wanders in, and feebly asks if Obi-Wan is messing around with Ally, and that Ally looks like his first wife, and is that why he's attracted to her? Oh my god. Obi-Wan says he isn't interested in Ally, and that he's just the help. Then there's a knock on the door -- it's Bonnie Boone, with Maddie in tow. Maddie took the "noon shuttle to New York," and they took the "two o'clock flight back." Wow, that's one fast-ass shuttle. Ally stammers and opens her mouth. Maddie wants to go back to Bonnie's, because she thinks Ally's "love for [her] hinges on a blood test." Ally says no; then she and Maddie yell "hey" at each other for a while. Bonnie suggests they have a talk. I suggest you shoot the piano player, or teach him another song besides the gentle sad one he's been playing ALL FREAKING EPISODE.
Richard is fiddling with a remote. Dame Edna comes up behind him, and stands very close to him. She wants to know who Richard's high-school scar-tissue-causer was. It was some "tall," "statuesque" senior Richard lost his virginity to, named Gerry Bird. Wow, like Robin Bird? How cool, and gross. So, they fucked, then she dumped him, and Richard decided he'd never let another woman have the power to hurt him ever again. Dame Edna calls Richard "the vision of strength," and says he'll "destroy himself" if he doesn't love again. He says he has work to do, and she says, "Of course," and splits.
Oh, thank god for the aerial shot of Boston at night. Maddie, Bonnie, and Ally are hashing it out: if the DNA isn't a match, will Ally give Maddie up? Lots of "hey!"s and "you hey!" and stammering follow. Ally calls Maddie a "midget," since she's so logical "she can't be ten." Obi-Wan walks in, and leaves with "his girlfriend," the Old Lady, who looks extremely satisfied for reasons I don't want to know about.
Dame Edna is on the can, reading a copy of Large Farm Equipment. Richard opens the door to his hole and catches her. She leaps up and wheels around, but doesn't see who it is. She pounds and demands to be let in. He presses the remote, and reluctantly lets her in. She says "it's been a while since [she's] been welcomed into a young man's hole." Hee. She asks why he needs to escape into a hole, and says she has found Gerry Bird for him. She lives in Beacon Hill! And she wants to see Richard. He's not into it. Dame Edna says "pain doesn't decompose when you bury it."
Obi-Wan has dropped the Old Lady back at her home, and promises to come visit her "every day." So, why did he come back, anyway? To tell her not to be afraid of death. Dude, seriously. I mean, I WELCOME death at this point in my life. Like, come and take me RIGHT NOW, Mr. Grim Reaper. Please. Let's party. Old Lady says she's "jealous" of Ally, and that she loves Obi-Wan. She hugs him so ecstatically I'm skeeved out. Ew, ew, ew, old lady orgasm, ew.
Ally, Bonnie, and Maddie fight SOME MORE about the DNA test. Ally says it's "meaningless," Bonnie says Ally has "given the test meaning." I say, "Hurry up and end, episode." What if Ally isn't the genetic mother? Maddie will go and search again for her mom. Is Ally's love for Maddie "conditional"? The answer is maybe.
Dame Edna and Richard arrive at Gerry Bird's house, a nice brownstone. A man opens the door. The man is Gerry Bird. He's changed since high school, a bit. In that now he's a man, whereas before, he was a woman. A little change like that, one might have mentioned over the phone, to Dame Edna, maybe. But I'm sure a little thing like penis augmentation wouldn't be any big deal to Dame Edna. I bet it's not, like, a total shocker. Richard, on the other hand, has no words. Dame Edna has a few, of a confrontational nature: "You took his cherry, Gerry!" Heh. And, that Gerry busted up Richard's heart, all those millions of years ago back in high school. Gerry says he didn't mean to bust up Richard's heart, since he was struggling with his own sexuality, obviously. Richard walks away.
Maddie is listening to the angsty girl pop stylings of Pink, who says she "wants to be somebody else." Aww, poor Pink. I thought she was trying to get the party started? What happened with that? Maddie asks why Ally is taking the one test that might make her leave. Ally says she wanted "something to hold in [her] hand that says" Maddie is "hers." A "guarantee that" Maddie "belong[s]" to her. Then, she turns Maddie over and plants a flag in her ass that says, "Property of Ally McBeal," and does the Dance of Rightful Ownership that all proud parents perform. Why, when my mom and dad took me home from the hospital, they were so happy that all my ten toes and fingers that belonged to them worked! And the hair on my head they owned? Was just so cute! Shut up, Sad Piano Player and the Wistful Tijuana Brass of Low-Key Moods.
Richard steps off the elevator, crushed and broken. How could Dame Edna not know that Gerry was a man, baby? Dame Edna says his voice sounded "lovely," and that she was only trying to help. Richard says his memory of losing his virginity is "tarnished," now that Gerry is a dude instead of a teenage girl. Richard: roll with it. It's got nothing to do with you. Except for the not-loving-women part. That might have a lot to do with you and Gerry. Richard asks that Dame Edna leave him alone, and she looks sad. Then he makes a tough-guy face and sternly says, "Don't. Help!" This is funny? No, no, it's not.
Ally's house, a.k.a. Grand Central Station. Bonnie opens the door to Ray, who's looking for Ally. Ally is busy, presumably with Maddie. Ally rushes up, and Ray accepts the position. Ally's happy about it. I could care less. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi pushes by them, and Ray comments on the activity in Ally's house. Yes, it's a regular boring old beehive with people full of stings, making honey. Ray leaves, and Ally faces Obi-Wan. He's just back from the old folks' home, where he was making out with Old Lady. The phone rings, and Ally ahems after she hangs up. It was the old folks' home, calling to tell Obi-Wan that Old Lady died. As if. Obi-Wan isn't too fazed. Ally asks how Obi-Wan can "care about somebody within minutes of meeting them." Obi-Wan leaves to go pay his "respects." When he exits, he passes Elaine, who has brought the "URGENT"-ly marked envelope from work to Ally's home, and wants to know if Ally and Obi-Wan are dating. Ally stammers, "No, no, no," takes the envelope, and is all, "See ya tomorrow!" Elaine asks if she'll open the envelope now, or if Elaine may come in for a snack. Ally closes the door on her face.
The envelope isn't opened for a long time. Then, Ally does open it, and her face looks really sad. The Sad Piano Player sits upright. This is it. This is Sad Piano Player's moment. Screw you, Tijuana Brass! Oboe, go for it. Viola, cello, keyboard? You can be sad too, in your own ways. Ally cries and cries, like she hasn't eaten for days. Maddie bounces down the stairs and asks why Ally is crying. She's hungry, is why. No, it's because Maddie is her daughter. Boo hoo hoo! Except for the "boo" and "hoo" parts.
It's a "snowy" "Boston" "evening." Obi-Wan Bon Jovi moves smoothly through the set to hit his mark, right in front of a gurney loaded with Old Lady's body. The doctor man lets him lift the cloth covering her, telling the medical personnel that "it's okay, [Obi-Wan] is family." The dead Old Lady looks radiant, like she spent the last few moments of her life snogging with a washed-up old rock star from New Jersey. Hey! The doctor gives Obi-Wan a photo Old Lady wanted him to have: the fakest, worst photoshopped job of Old Lady snuggling with Obi-Wan Bon Jovi in a cardigan and old-man-makeup. Obi-Wan looks at the photo and plotzes. I'm flashing back to that episode of Beverly Hills, , when Donna's grandma dies and gives her the locket of her and her husband, except it's really Donna and David in freaking 1940s hair and costumes. Total nightmare. The corpse van's door closes, and lights up on Vonda singing in the bar. Um, nice transition.
Richard is drinking like me. He's still squicked out about losing his virginity to a woman who then had a sex change operation. Corretta says, "At least [he] went where no man went since." Heh. Nelle says it's payback for all Richard's homophobia. Good one. And mazel tov on the nuptials, Portia. Okay, Dame Edna's on stage. She wants to "help [Richard] in music." In fact, she wants to help "all those other islands out there, adrift." Help? Dame Edna? A line, please? Toss it? Oh, fuck you, for singing. The number is "You're Nobody 'til Somebody Loves You," and Elaine and Vonda all take verses. Dame Edna sounds just like Miss Piggy, and that's just not easy to make fun of. It is what it is, you know? Kick line, and we're out.
Ally's drinking wine on her couch. Toss a bong, a dog, and a guy named Ben in there, and you've got me. Obi-Wan walks in. Ally tells him the DNA was a match. He says congrats. She says "it doesn't make [her] a parent, but if anyone tries to take [Maddie] away, [Ally] has the legal right to make noise." Um, "make noise"? Like, what kind of noise? A "moop" sort of noise? Then Ally says she was crying, so if her eyes are red, it's "not because of the wine." That's a shout-out to me, the one with the bong, isn't it? Isn't it? Ally has the LP to South Pacific on her coffee table. Obi-Wan picks it up, then puts it down. Ally grabs her CD remote and flicks it on; she has the CD of the soundtrack to South Pacific, too. Hey, remember that knock-knock joke? Who's there? Sam and Janet? Sam and Janet who? Sam and Janet evening. Yeah. Obi-Wan gets up and is all, I'm going to go, but Ally asks that he dance with her. Is that code for "Happy Talk," if you know what I mean? Oh, Ally, just wash that man right out of your hair, and send him on his way. How high? Bali high. And do you know what there's nothing like? A dame. Nothing in the world. Anyway, they dance. I'm totally reminded of the bonus season finale ofSex & The City, when SJP and Big get all verkelmpt over Mancini, and "Moon River," the theme to Breakfast at Tiffany's. Oh, ew, Vonda starts singing. Ally and Obi-Wan dance and spin and dance and hold each other. Vonda is all, "Once you have found her, never let her go." Obi-Wan holds Ally to him tightly. Wait, the screen is fading to black. Wait, I don't get it!