Previously, Ally was floored when she found out she has a kid. Dame Edna said, "Hellew!" And, that when she gets stressed, she suffers from acid reflux. Gross. Richard made Ally partner, and her jaw drops. Nelle was all, "Fish and McBeal?" Ally told Richard he needs to lay off some people to reduce overhead. Maddie the Kid said she has "a good feeling about" Ally. Um, that was in LAST WEEK'S "previously." Do you need to show us that clip twice? Jon Bon Jovi told Ally that it's hard to raise a kid on your own. He did not add, "Duh." Ally says she hasn't been raising the kid solo, since she's "had" JBJ around. And what will she do when the charade that he's working on her "pipes" has to be dropped? He said he'd baby-sit. Because he "could use the extra money." Because plumbers make about the same as baby-sitters make an hour. Except not.
Lights up on JBJ and Ally, in her living room. He's offering Ally some wise, sage, good, sound advice, and henceforth, shall forever be known as Obi-Wan Bon Jovi. Wish I had thought it up! Ally has to do a difficult thing (I guess, lay off some people), and if it has to be done, it has to be done, opines Obi-Wan Bon Jovi. Om. The force, she will be used. But, Ally stammers, what about the people's feelings? Then Maddie appears on the stairs, in her PJs, and asks what all the hushed tones are about. Well, it seems that until Maddie popped up, like, three weeks ago, all Ally had for a family was the people she worked with. And tomorrow, she gets to fire someone. Which is the one thing you can't do with family -- unless, of course, you're Drew Barrymore. Or, possibly at some time in the future, Frances Bean.
Vonda's been dooown, she's been down down down....
Aerial shot, drink! Hey, Albert Hall gets second billing this week! How cool. So, Ally's walking down one of "Boston's" busy "sidewalks," and sees a giant bubble in the sky, floating toward her à la Glinda the Good Witch of the East from The Wizard of Oz. Ally's mouth opens and closes a few times, like a fish's, and she looks around her. Is she really the only one hallucinating such a thing? She is. The bubble reaches the sidewalk and poof, it's Dame Edna! Hellew! Ally stammers and stammers. Did Dame Edna really just float down in a bubble? No, you silly bitch, says Dame Edna. She WALKED UP. And, since Ally managed to ask, she isn't doing so well. There's the acid reflux, for one thing, and she's "been given a pink slip, and not to wear," she's afraid. She was canned for sexual harassment! Which I guess is supposed to be amusing, but is really just more of the same old crap David E. Kelley has always turned out. Sigh. I've already lost hope and it's just the second scene.
Ling -- wearing white go-go boots, a blue flared mini, and a short-sleeved tennis sweater -- bounces off the elevator, smiling as broadly as a Russian ice dancer and delivers an ultra-perky "hey!" to everyone in the office. Everyone stares after her. Ling? Perky? She bounces into Richard's office and finally drops the happy crap: she's actually miserable because "nice is in," and in case he hadn't noticed, Ling "isn't nice." Aww! Ling, don't change! What am I saying -- I've already given up hope. Ling asks about John. Has he really left? And, is Richard lonely? He may call Ling if he ever does get lonely. Then she plasters that fake smile on her pretty, freckled face again and bounces out. Wow, that was a quick cameo.
Ally's late to her first staff meeting as partner. She sits at the head of the table, with Richard at her left. He looks small and unsure; Jenny, Glenn, and Corretta, uneasy. Nelle? Looks like she ate nails for breakfast and could kick like a mule at any second. Ally sees them all as being very far away from her. She shakes it off, then says she's going to make some "rather...brutal adjustments," and has scheduled individual meetings with each of them. Nelle gets to go last. Dum dum dummm! Ally assigns Richard and Corretta to work Dame Edna's sexual harassment/pink slip case. Nelle flatly asks that she get moved up to first, "to get it over with," but Ally refuses. She's saving Nelle for last. Dum dum dummm! I know I already made that ominous noise, but providing sound effects to the weak "tension" is the only thing keeping me entertained at the moment.
Richard meets with Dame Edna, who's rather despondent. And, not guilty of sexual harassment. She doesn't want to lose her job, because she might not be able to make the payments on her "Colonial home," which reminds her of "frankfurters," which, by the way, was a reason they offered for canning her: they said she was "suggestive" when she ate said hot dogs. Oh, sigh. Wing Chun, I now bet that this show gets canned this year. I know you said it won't get canceled, but with this drivel, how can it not? How, I ask you? ["I think you're right, especially because FOX is pulling it for weeks and sticking that Ally-merican Embassy show in its place. You're cursed!" -- Wing Chun]
Jenny coltishly bounces into Ally's office, closing the door behind her. Ally says she's sure Jenny's heard the rumors of someone being let go. Jenny says she pays no mind to rumors, and smiles happily. Jenny, do you get anything? Do you understand that Ally was trying to send you a clue? And that you were to get that clue? And that it wasn't Professor Plum in the wardrobe closet with a sheer blouse, but that YOU. ARE. GETTING. CANNED? Now? When Ally breaks the news, Jenny just blubbers like the baby she is. Ally hallucinates Jenny's head being sliced off by a sword, and Jenny's head rolling over on her desk and begging not to be fired, please. Ally offers an alternative to unemployment: There's a fictitious "program" in which Jenny can be "loaned out" to the D.A.'s office. There, Jenny can gain "tons" of trial experience, and the firm can pay a portion of her salary and have the D.A.'s office shoulder the rest. So Jenny is being "traded," if she agrees, and if not, she's shit-canned. So, she'll work for the D.A.'s office for the same salary? Why is she still crying? And why would she look right into Ally's eyes while she's blowing her nose comically?
Glenn strides across the office floor angrily, purposefully. Gee, I never noticed the nice dark stain they have on the hardwood there. It's really sophisticated and subtle. Oh right, the show. Glenn barges into Ally's office, ignoring Elaine's protests that he isn't scheduled for this time slot, and yells. He doesn't care about the firm's financial situation, you just DON'T fire people or loan them out to the D.A.'s office: "It stinks and it's wrong!" Wow, I don't feel that strongly about it, actually. Jenny would still have a job and a salary -- it's just a little reshuffling. That I'm on Ally's side and not hating everything she does? Well, that's a little scary. And by little, I mean "tons." Anyway, Glenn says if Jenny goes, he goes. He will. He will! Ally says that's fine. It's his choice. Unless he says the wrong thing. Like, that Ally's "become a power-drunk bitch overnight." Like, that would be wrong. Ally hallucinates the sword slicing off Glenn's head. His head rolls around on the carpet, then says, "Reaaaallly nice." Um, is this the new catchphrase now? I hate it. That is all.
Woo, aerial shot! Woo! Dame Edna's boss. Mr. Polk (hee) is testifying as to Dame Edna's sexual harass-iness. She "gets people talking about their houses," then invites them to see her own Colonial home. Judge Albert Hall is all, that's why you fired her? Seriously. No, it's worse than that: Dame Edna asked one fellow in the office to "come have a hot dog under [her] canopy." Hee. Once I asked a guy I worked with how his "joint" was, and I meant his apartment. I know apartments aren't usually called "joints." I don't know what I was thinking. He was all, "WHAT? What are you TALKING about?" Dude, I was young. Mr. Polk has a security tape that "unwittingly" caught Dame Edna propositioning a co-worker. Dame Edna objects: "He's suggesting a camera has wit!" Arf arf arf. The tape rolls. Dame Edna calls a young man "lovely" and says he "fills out [his] trousers nicely." Hee! Apparently, the young men complain about this. Still. Hee! Richard steps up. Was Mr. Polk ever harassed? No. And did they once share some Scotch, kiss, and have a dinner out together? Um, yeah. Is Mr. Polk canning Dame Edna because she didn't return his sexual advances? Mmmm...no. Richard presents the photos of the dinner out. Mr. Polk is all kinds of smiley, hanging all over Dame Edna. Mmm-hmm.
Lunch time! Maddie is comforting Ally at home. "Good for you," Maddie says cheerfully. Ally is all, really? "He called you a bitch!" Ally goes to the refrigerator, and hallucinates Jenny's and Glenn's severed heads inside, pleading for their jobs back. Ally rudely asks Obi-Wan Bon Jovi for his opinion. He dons his robe, adjusts his light saber, and says she fired Jenny for the firm, but fired Glenn out of ego. She should hire him back. Because it is the right thing to do, Grasshopper. Gong!
Ally returns to the office. She steps off the elevator to a sea of cold, hateful eyes. Everyone in the office hates her now. It's not just me and the audience anymore. Suddenly, a howling snowstorm whirls around her, and she forces her way through it to her office. The music, she is dramatic. She sits behind her desk and confers with Glenn. She understands how he may have gotten emotional about Jenny, and wants him to stay. He grimly says, "So I'm not fired." She says no. He gets up and stalks out without another word. Which is exactly how I'd react to learning I was not being fired from a piece-of-shit job that I hated. Though maybe Glenn doesn't hate the job, just DEK. Like me and this job! Elaine pops her head in, bringing the frozen wintry tundra that is the office in with her, and announces Nelle. Nelle strides in all, well! I guess I'm not fired, ha ha! Ally says Nelle is one of the most productive associates and was "never in the running" for being canned. Which is nice, I guess. But Ally does want Nelle to jump through some hoops, or rather, "make some changes." No other firms, apparently, "socialize" as much as they do at Cage, Fish and McBeal. So if Nelle wants to remain in good standing, she has to sing at the bar. Oh, that is wick wick WACK. It's as wack as the fake pilot they wrote on Seinfeld where the judge assigned Jerry a butler. Ally says, "We're a gang, Nelle, and it's time for you to join the party."
Vonda's singing "Please Mr. Postman." Please kill me now. Don't wait a minute, wait a minute. Pleeee-eease. Jenny and Glenn drink at the bar. She's still in shock, and doesn't want Glenn to leave the firm because of her. Um, didn't he do that before? At her last job? No, wait, he left, and she left, and they both got hired at Cage & Fish by some amazingly stupid coinkey-dink. Now, look! They're both going! You'd think that these two would have learned to roll with the punches a little better by now. Or, accept the fact they they're both losers. Ray pops up, is asked to pop off, and doesn't. Oh, that Ray! He's such an ass.
Ling and Nelle are sitting and stewing together. "The world's gone nice," Ling complains. Come to my world, Ling. I don't do nice. I don't even do cordial. I'm cordial-intolerant. Ling says, Nelle, singing? HA! Actually, Nelle might like to sing, secretly. She says, all out-of-character, "It just looks fun!" Has Nelle really never sung before? Oh, right, I don't care. Ling has a lip-synching plan; also, she'll share the limelight with Nelle, since Ling loves the limelight so. Now Nelle won't have to be onstage alone. Oh, yay.
Dame Edna has a tray of hot dogs in front of her. She's happy about this. Hey, I wouldn't complain. She offers one to Richard. He suggests they settle the case for fifty grand. No, because Dame Edna made a promise to herself, that she would live with dignity. She chomps on a hot dog for emphasis. She never harassed anyone! Corretta looks grossed out. Me? I want a hot dog. Corretta asks why Dame Edna is so attached to this workplace. It's because they "accepted" her: "It's not an easy thing to find, acceptance." Yeah, but they canned you. And three more witnesses plan to testify that Dame Edna harassed them. You call that acceptance? Well, do ya? Dame Edna looks at her hot dog sadly, and so does the music. It's the Music of Looking at Hot Dogs Sadly. I love that song!
Maddie asks Ally for a sleepover. Obi-Wan Bon Jovi approves the plan! Ally is sarcastically glad that Obi-Wan Bon Jovi approves. And, Maddie broke up with some guy we never heard of before. Because he "wanted to have sex." Ally does a massive spit-take with O.J. Maddie means, "Just kiss." And she's never kissed a boy before. And she doesn't want to. Can Ally show her how to kiss? In time for the slumber party tonight? Ally says Maddie is only ten, for the tenth time. Yeah.
Nelle and Ling asks Elaine to help them with their lip-synching duet scheme. Elaine will be singing offstage with "another person," supplying the voices for Ling and Nelle. Elaine explains to them that "everyone in the bar knows [her] voice. They go home with it playing in their heads!" I love Elaine. Nelle and Ling take a beat to let this factoid sink in, then says that the nature of bars (bad sound systems, people making noise) will cause people to be fooled. Oh, we'll see about THAT, won't we? We will. Oh, damn.
Some dude is testifying that Dame Edna harassed him by singing a Captain and Tennille lyric to him. He reads flatly that Dame Edna said, "Do that to me one more time, I could never get enough of a man like you." He does not add, "Whooo-oooa!" Richard steps up and says the guy is attractive. The guy is all, "Thank you?" Have any other women hit on this guy? Yes. Even a fifty-nine-year-old woman? Yes. And did he ever complain about them? No. Because they were attractive, and Dame Edna? Is not. So, this case will be won not because sexual harassment is wrong, but because it was only brought up as harassment because the harrasser wasn't deemed attractive enough to make said harassment enjoyable for the target of harassment. WHAT. EVER!
Dame Edna is complaining that what happened in court was the most humiliating experience since her honeymoon. Um, is Dame Edna supposed to be channeling Mrs. Roper in this role? Why is she now a whiny victim, when in her other episodes she was a sassy tough gal? Oh right -- I don't care. Corretta says they were trying to show that she wasn't fired for harassment, but for "something else," like perhaps her ugly appearance. Dame Edna begins to act her way out of a paper bag, and fails. Perhaps she isn't currently as beautiful as she once was, but she still has good bone structure. Hee. She said "bone structure." Dame Edna isn't harassing people, she's "taking the first step! Initiating! Growing old and alone is horrible [URRP]." That acid reflux bit is pretty horrible, too.
Jenny waits, headless, in Ally's office. She's been thinking about the D.A.'s office thing, and...she's going to open her own firm instead. Ally laughs in her face. Doesn't Jenny need clients for that? Oh, she'll have clients. Glenn's clients. He strides in and takes Jenny's hand. They're starting their own firm together, see. Ally holds her own head in her hands and weakly says, "Great!" But she means the opposite, see. 'Cause her head is off. Which is bad.
Ling stands at the mic, with Elaine singing her part. They're doing the old theme to Enjoli perfume, you know, "'Cause I'm a woman! W-O-M-A-N!" Which is also the title of the episode." Nelle's part is sung by one of Vonda's backup singers, who looks happy to have the screen time. Nelle is "off," and they have to start from the top, with Ling and Elaine starting again. Oy.
Obi-Wan Bon Jovi is in Ally's office, talking about all her problems. She say she doesn't have Obi-Wan's "simple life." Oh, fuck off, Ally. Fuck right off and die. Do you know what Victor has going on? No? How simple can his life be when he's hanging around with you all the livelong day? Ally feels as unprepared to be a parent as she does to run a law firm. And the kissing thing! Obi-Wan Bon Jovi turns it on: Maddie the Kid is doing pretty well for being in her second home with her third "caretaker"; therefore Ally must be doing something right. And losing Glenn? Not so bad if she can get John back. And John's "mid-life crisis is probably brought on by having to stare at youth all day." Um, what? "Stare at youth all day"? What? Ally is all, "How do you know all this?" Because he's Obi-Wan Bon Jovi. He has the force, in his pants. He sees all...of Ally, naked. He can move huge objects, like Ally's clothes, off, with his mind. Ally says she'd like to get a glimpse of his "crystal balls." Whoops, she means "his balls." I mean, "crystal BALL," singular. She stammers in embarrassment à la John Cage. And, what about the slumber party tonight? Oh, Obi-Wan Bon Jovi has taken care of everything. The juice, the organic cookies, the pizza, the renting of E.T. (which is coming out soon to the big screen, again, edited, fuck you very much), and everything else. So, do all plumbers dream of giving up their wrenches and becoming a Mr. Mom-type figure as they torque all day? And what kind of parent is Ally, anyway? One who comes home for lunch and bitches about having to fire people and stammering out when the tough questions are asked that the kid is only TEN? JBJ goes to leave, and Ally asks that he pick up a bottle of wine they can share after the kids go to sleep? He says that "sounds great," but what if they have to go to the ER or something? "The other parents may not appreciate it if we were drinking." Of course, he's right. And the most uptight Mr. Mom-Hot-Plumber-Eldin-Clone to ever walk the face of the earth. Ally agrees, then suggests, "How about a joint?" How ABOUT one? Thanks for the suggestion! God, that's a shout-out if I ever heard one. Let me get the paraphernalia! Who do you want to use, Piper Perabo, or Angelina Bowl-ie? Billy Bong Thornton is clogged. She was kidding. Me, not at all. Ally bangs her head on her desk when he leaves, probably because she's lame and doesn't have a joint on her.
Tilty aerial shots of Boston, woo! Nelle lip-synchs, and her singer-lady is losing her voice. She apologizes, but Nelle snaps at her, "You aren't going to do that tonight, are you?" Um, she will NOW, I bet.
Ally's office. Ally is bossing Corretta around. She's doing good work, but could be doing better. Like, she needs to bring in more clients. Or, some clients. Corretta suggests seeking them at night. Ally says she wants Corretta "to have a life," so she should look for clients "during lunch." Like, maybe the guy who makes sandwiches needs counsel. Corretta seems okay with this. I thought if associates didn't bring in clients, they were canned. Whatever. Nelle enters, then says she'll be "performing at the bar" tonight. I like her use of the word "performing." Ally is all, "Reeeally?" Please don't let this backfire, and have Nelle be humiliated. Oh, I don't care.
Closing arguments for Dame Edna's case don't look too good for the purple-haired one. Apparently, tons of people have testified to the "leers and innuendo" and shit. "The woman is a predator, a sexual menace." Aww! Richard steps up and says "there's a double standard in this country" that dictates if the gesture is welcome, it's "flirting," and if not, it's harassment. And they're "here because of the way" Dame Edna looks, which is "discrimination." Because what she did wasn't wrong, but it's wrong for the people to say her advances were unwelcome. My head just exploded. Albert Hall says it's "the duty" of employers to report unwanted advances in the workplace, and he finds for the employers. Bang goes the gavel. Dame Edna thanks Richard and Corretta for trying and for Richard's "lovely words." There's a weird shot when Dame Edna is talking and Corretta is staring at Richard, like she's cheating into the camera. Richard then says he will HIRE Dame Edna, since he needs a good assistant. If he had had one before, maybe he "wouldn't be in the mess" he's in. Corretta asks if she can kiss Richard. Can Dame Edna kiss him, too? They settle for group hug. Oh, I hate this show.
Aerial shot of Boston at night, drink. Woo, it's tilty! We land at the bar, where Vonda is singing "Avenue A." Elaine is yelling at Nelle's "voice," because she's gone hoarse from practicing all day. And Ling and Nelle go on in ten minutes! Dame Edna comes up, says she'll soon be Elaine's co-worker, and that SHE can sing. And "I'm a Woman" is her THEME song, don't you know! Oh, crap.
Wow, Madonna! It's "Like a Virgin," blasting at the slumber party. I can guess that "Maddie" is supposed to be a shout-out to Madonna, since having children changed her so, and that's what Maddie is doing for Ally. Anyway, the kids line dance and giggle as Ally and JBJ watch happily from the doorway. Ally asks if it would be cool to "jump in with them." JBJ says, "Very uncool." Word -- it's uncool that they're even standing in the room. They leave, and Ally asks if it's okay that she go to the bar to watch Nelle sing. JBJ is okay with that. When is he not okay?
The bar. Ling "sings" her verse of the song with Elaine really belting it out in the wings. Ling does a good job lip-synching. Ally, in the audience, says Ling sounds a lot like Elaine. Vonda takes the verse, and Dame Edna is all set to go . Ooh, the "suspense." Nelle slinks out in a red dress, opens her mouth, and what sounds like Miss Piggy's voice comes out. Nelle looks to the wings and is shocked, but keeps going. Dame Edna needs to pick a key and stick with it. Oh, poor Nelle.
Ling follows Elaine up to the office to yell at her. Elaine should have called it off, she says. She didn't because Elaine wanted to sing. "This was supposed to be about helping Nelle!" Elaine says that the crowd loved it, adding, "Sorry for failing YOU," and leaves. Ling sighs as the elevator doors close. Richard comes up and says the audience did love it. She's all, "Checking to see if John called?" He says he's fine with or without John. He calls her a fraud for saying "the world has gone nice," because she came to check on him, and to help Nelle. "You care about the people you care about. Ling, you're a good friend." Aww, the bunnies, they are fuzzy!
Ally is trying to get the kids to settle down and go to sleep. Nice try. Ally leaves, and the giggling gets louder. By the kids, the KIDS are giggling. In the hall, JBJ says he got that wine she mentioned. "One glass" won't get them too hammered. Where's the joint, I want to know! Maddie pops out, asking what French kissing is. Quick, tell her! Ally stammers that "you touch tongues." Well, demonstrate on JBJ! Quick, hurry! Except Ally says no. Maddie sighs exasperatedly, and goes back into her bedroom. JBJ says it was good she didn't provide a demonstration. Now, how about that joint?
Ling and Richard walk the "Boston" "streets." Ling says she gets lonely on the bench all alone. And Richard shouldn't be a stranger. They kiss, and Ling giggles. Vonda starts singing, with a lap steel for accompaniment, "That's the Glory of Looooove."
Vonda continues to sing. JBJ slowly goes down...the stairs. He sees Ally snoozing on the couch, and covers her with a blanket. He kisses the top of her head. You snooze, you lose. Ally? You're a loser.