Ally is walking down the "wintry" "Boston" "street," bracing herself against the "winds." Vonda is squealing something about "the wayward wiiiiiind, is a restless wiiiind, and a wiiiiind that likes to waaaaandeeer." Ally's hat blows off her giant head, and she chases it for a while. Finally, she catches up with it: it's stuck on a snow-covered "FOR SALE" sign on a huge, honking old elephant of a house. She gazes at it for a while, then wanders on inside. Because houses with "FOR SALE" signs on them are usually open, so any old body can just wander inside and set a spell.
Inside, the house is trashed. There's trash all over the stairs, the railing has broken spindles in it, there are giant cobwebs everywhere and bound-up bundles of magazines on the mantle, the walls are bleeding...well, painted a really lovely Victorian dark red. Did you see The Royal Tenenbaums yet? That dusty rose they had in their halls is what I want in my halls. House ownership is really great, but you always have fixer-upper stuff to do, it's neverending. I saw a fixer-upper like this one Ally's peering at, which on paper said "five-bedroom Victorian with stained-glass windows," but should have read, "Filthy craphole with broken plumbing, pentagrams on the walls, and body laid out on third floor. Killer may still be inside!" I'm only slightly exaggerating. And while owning is a way to build equity, DO NOT THINK it is cheaper than renting. That's true only if you don't fix anything up, or paint, or knock down walls or mortar up walls or rip out rugs or put new tile in the bathroom or get new windows installed...all stuff I've done in the last few months. ["Whoa, really? All we had to do was paint, thank god. Oh, and we have that little tub-draining leak problem that we haven't fixed yet. We're lucky! What's that? This isn't a recap of Trading Spaces? Right. I'll shut up now." -- Wing Chun] Good thing Ally will get Jon Bon Jovi as a fix-it guy. Because they aren't all that pretty. Anyway, back to the action: Ally walks right in and fantasizes that the trash-strewn house is all nice and fixed up. There's a real estate agent who says the house "just went into probate" even though the sign outside was all covered in snow. Ally asks for an "offer sheet," and the agent is all, "Don't you want to know how much?" Ally asks, "How much?" Yeah, that's how real estate is sold. Ally should have just whipped out a pile of cash and thrust it at the agent, who'd stammer, then holler "SOLD!"
Vonda's been dooooown, she's been down, down, down!
Boston is all snowy. Elaine is all, "You bought the house!" Yeah, it happens that fast. Ally chirps, "Fifteen-day escrow!" Yeah, that too. It was the house she always...oh, god, it's French Stewart. He squints his way towards Ally, Elaine, and Richard, asking if Ally McBeal is in their gaggle, and that he's "in need of representation." Ally ROLLS HER EYES, admits to being herself, produces a horrible fake smile, and asks that French Stewart join her in her office. Hey, I'm no fan of Frenchie, but if he were to come to me and ask me to do some copywriting, I wouldn't ROLL MY EYES right in front of the guy! The professional thing to do is to wait until his back is turned!
Jenny and Corretta are in the Uni. Jenny is wearing the honking-est neck brace I've ever seen. She said she woke up like that. Corretta says she can help, and whips out a card for a chiropractor she knows. They're all quacks, says Jenny. Not this guy, says Corretta. And keep it a secret! On her suit, Corretta has a lapel pin so enormous it looks like a floral arrangement you'd put on a table in an old folk's home.
Ally looks over French Stewart's paperwork. His wife "convinced a district attorney" that he "criminally defrauded" her. Frenchie says it was because he used to give her gifts, but that he "ran out of money." Then he remembers, one night in the kitchen...the scene gets all hazy and we flash back to a lady holding a salad bowl and singing, "Hit the Road, Jack." French looks at her with his one, squinty, bemused expression. His face only has one setting. Which, for an actor, may be a little limiting. Or, maybe it makes him "branded" -- you know, like when you hire French Stewart, you know just what you're getting. Namely, the same crappy shtick he always comes up with. Anyway, Ally is all, "She sang it? That seems odd." Yeah, it is. And Frenchie still loves her a lot. He thinks if he can solve the money problems, everything will be fine.
Jenny's at the chiropractor, who feels her neck and asks, "First time?" Because that is such a loaded question to someone visiting a specialist, Jenny is all, "What?" Yeah, I know you know what he meant. So with two twists of her head, and two horrible-sounding cracks, the chiropractor fixes up her neck. Then he asks her to perch on a chair, which vibrates oddly. She says "gee" about fifteen times, her eyes flutter rapidly in her head, and I guess she's having an orgasm. I don't even want to talk about it.
Ally has brought Richard over to her new house. The place is still a wreck. Richard calls it a "dump." The place has potential, but it's totally trashed. She says she's "going to do the work herself," and Richard is all, ha ha ha. House stuff gets so old, so fast. Ally says she can do it. Richard offers to help. Ally is all, "What?" You heard right. He "always wanted to strip," but his dad never let him "touch his hammer" when Richard was a kid. Hee. So, they giggle nervously, and agree to perform some hard labor together.
French Stewart's wife is on the stand, saying that though they both worked and their marriage was a partnership, French "spent the money faster than it came in," and forged her name on documents to get additional loans. French -- squinting, faintly smiling -- sees her sing, "Don Juan! Your money's gone, and when your money's gone, your baby's gone!" He starts bopping around in his seat. Ally is all, "Are you all right?" No, he isn't. Ally cross-examines, asking what and who French spent all the money on. Gifts, on the wife. "Eventually, he gave me the gift of bankruptcy," says Mrs. French. Ally asks if she ever returned the gifts. Oh noooo. French sees her sing, "The best things in life are free...just give me money!" The jury sings along, in his mind. He snaps his fingers and bops along. Always squinting, always smiling.
Ally wants to hire El Shrinkador as an expert. She believes French Stewart "is not right," since he only hears his wife speak in song form. The shrink will hear French's testimony tomorrow.
Jenny enters Corretta's office. Did Corretta ever sit in the chiropractor's massage chair, and have an orgasm? Oh yeah she did. How does he do that? It's not the chiropractor, says Corretta. It's the chair. Great.
Ally is banging on her banister's teeth with a hammer. Hey, Ally? Maybe clear some of all that trash out first, before you start on the construction stuff. Just saying. Elaine pops up behind her, clearly squicked out at the condition of the house. Ally is all, "Aaah!" Then, Elaine says that buying a house "is something two people do." Elaine? The year is 2002. Just saying. Many people buy houses on their own. It's a smart thing to do. Ally says, "It's been known to happen." Elaine says it's cool that Ally "is committed to living alone," adding that she's "thrilled" for Ally. Elaine? How did you get in?
Vonda's bleating out "Our House." Ally paints the wall behind the fireplace, and nearby, Richard makes a mess with the paint. For whatever reason -- maybe in the name of comedy? -- there's a toilet nearby that makes a "thunk" when Richard drops a bucket in it. He bumbles and fumbles and wipes a paint-y rag on his face, until Ally asks that he get some paint on the wall, maybe. He says, "Imagine if people said that to Jackson Pollock." That? Makes no sense. Then he asks if it's smart to do work before Ally actually closes on the house. Ally says that the bank assured her the house is hers. Oh boy, this is so lame. It's totally impossible to get in and do work before you settle, for insurance purposes and other issues related to lawsuits. And OF COURSE the bank will say "the house is yours." But last-minute shit happens. I hate this show. Then Richard says that this home-buying thing is all about getting a man for Ally, and that "the best men will be scared away," since they just want to provide for a woman, not hitch up with a woman that has already provided for herself. Oh, I really hate this show. Ally asks that Richard take this seriously. Richard asks if she "thought about furnishing." What, does Ally rent all the furniture in her apartment? Does she own not a stick of furniture? Ally says the first thing she'll get is a coat rack, because then she'll hang up her coat and "know [she's] home." Richard is all, "Yeah, that's all it needs."
French Stewart is on the stand, saying he still loves his wife. And when he gives her a diamond bracelet, she sings, "You aaare sooo beautiful, to meeee."
El Shrinkador says French is "compulsive, a classic case." He can say he "lacks the specific intent to commit a crime." Ally's all, wanna see my new house?
El Shrinkador agrees that the house is "fabulous. It's you! It's beautiful! It's sad. It's a dump." Ally only sees the potential, and the beauty; she says that she "wants to make mad love to it." Then there's Jon Bon Jovi standing in front of her. He confirms that he's "real," when Ally asks; he's also wearing more pancake than a baby in IHOP. The bank sent him. There's an electrical problem, and he needs to bring the place up to code. He'll be working in the basement for a day or two. Ally stammers that she said she wanted to make love to the HOUSE, the HOUSE, see, because she's a.... "an edifasexual," says El Shrinkador. She socks him. He tells her to trust him. Jon Bon Jovi drops his overly makeupped head and looks coy, or like he thinks she's nuts, or something. Ally smiles, like, hello, new notch on belt!
Jenny sneaks into the office, her face flushed bright red. Glenn gets his one line in, saying he only sees her face that red when she's having a...you know. She pops into her office. Corretta follows. Jenny went back to the orgasm chair, didn't she? Corretta's "seen that chair ruin relationships. Be very careful." The music is ominous.
El Shrinkador is on the stand, saying that French Stewart has an impulse disorder. "He predicates his love on his capacity to give, and is obsessed with making his wife happy." He's addicted to her happiness. The shrink says that people buy to escape, and he had a client who bought a house, "so much did she hate her own life." Ally ahems and stops him.
Ally maniacally scrapes a wall. Richard comes in and is all, ow, I think you're cutting into the wood. She turns and rapidly says that a lot of people buy houses, and not as a cure for unhappiness. Seriously. Richard says he "believes in houses." Because where else would people put their stuff? And having a home makes people work harder to get more stuff. Then he says Ally is "officially a 'have' person." Well, not officially YET. But whatever, I'm such a stickler for facts and truth and reality and all that. Ally says she isn't a "have" person and will never be a "have" person. Whatever! Jon Bon Jovi pops up and says he may be there longer than he thought. Ally says that's okay. Richard asks if he came with the house. This is so tired.
Jenny, face still flushed from her orgasm chair, faces Glenn in the Uni. He wants to know if she's having an affair. Nelle peers out from a stall, eavesdropping. She tells him about the orgasm chair. Oy.
Ally is yelling at her shrink. Why does buying a house prove she's unhappy? El Shrinkador says that her process of buying was "arbitrary," and that "if it wasn't windy, she'd still be a renter." Ally babbles that men are so unromantic about the wind. He says the house is a project: "You can rebuild as you remake herself." Then, she says she "never wanted to be a grownup," and he says something to the effect that "buying a house is the most symbolic act of being a grownup, to getting married. You are clinically messed up, Allison." Yay!
Oh my god, it's a scene with Ally and Jon Bon Jovi. He's under the sink, posing with a wrench or something. He says Ally's house "works. [Her] plumbing's old." She stammers, "Ex-ex-excuse me?" And, c-c-c-can he fix it? He does a little bit of everything. He's a cowboy. On a steel horse he rides. Whatever. He tells a story about how, a few years ago, he bought a house, rebuilt everything in it, then sold it. Ally asks "why" so incredulously, like a person would be nuts to do such a thing. He says it's because it didn't reflect what he was inside, which is "a work in progress." Oh, barf. Ally nods and says her therapist said to run, run for the hills, Jon Bon Jovi. No, wait -- that was me. Jon Bon Jovi says Ally's a fixer-upper, not a rebuilder, and that "the electricity is good." He goes back to work, and she smiles, taking in the double entendre and loving every stupid second of it.
Ally's having a meeting with French Stewart's wife. Ally's all, you know your husband is a lame excuse for a character actor, right? Just kidding. No, I'm not. Ally says that French has an illness and still loves his wife. The wife is all, the DA is going to keep prosecuting, and French can control the illness, but doesn't try to. Ally asks if Mrs. French still loves French Stewart. Mrs. French did once. On Third Rock from the Sun. But not now.
Nelle rides the orgasm chair. She rolls her eyes in her head just like Jenny did.
Richard and Ally are belt-sanding cabinets in her trashed, messy kitchen. She yells that he's pressing too hard. He says that if he wanted to be micromanaged, he'd ask to have sex with her. Ally hollers that this is her HOME. Richard asks if she has "buyer's remorse." They hunker down and have some beers as Ally recites the list of reasons why she's proud to own a house: because it's a project she can commit to, and she could afford it herself, with money she earned on her own. She did it all by herself, and no one can take it away from her. Good reasons, Ally. They clink beers and chug.
Richard has the partners assembled: he wants them to paint Ally's house for her, so that when the appliances arrive tomorrow, they can be installed. Nelle asks why the firm continues to support Ally's insane ways. Corretta coughs, "Bitch!" Richard says they can't hire professionals because Ally wants her house to be "a labor of love." Nelle says she may vomit up her intestines. Corretta coughs, "Witch!" Richard will be shopping for a coat rack, since "home is a coat rack." They all roll their eyes at him. Yeah.
Jon Bon Jovi knocks and enters Ally's office. He waves his fists like a bad dancer, offering good news and bad news. Ally picks bad news first, what a shock. The plumbing shot, but the good news is, he "isn't speaking as [her] gynecologist." She'll need to replace all the pipes, but it still passes inspection. So, she needs to hire him. And is he married? She means "bonded"? Yeah, yeah he is. So, there you have it: he'll be in her house each week, until he goes into rehab or disappears, either one.
Glenn is forbidding Jenny to see the chair again. Because he's afraid she's become a "chair slut." She'll see "what furniture [she] wants, when [she] wants." He leaves, angry. She calls him a "dolt."
Ally is arguing that French Stewart has a problem, yes, but is he a criminal? The jury yells, NO! Ally goes, aha! The judge (Albert Hall, a fine, fine actor) asks that the jury not speak back to the lawyer addressing them. Hee. French got addicted to "short-term happiness -- her happiness -- and lost his way. The only reason we're here is because the gifts stopped coming." The wife's lawyer says that French violated the law, falsified documents, and only has one facial expression. Ally sighs. French squints.
The lawyers are painting Ally's house. Glenn and Jenny argue over whether you can cheat with furniture. Is a vibrator cheating? This is the argument I have to offer. It's an inanimate object. Someone yells, "Let's just paint!" Fine with me. It's fifty-four minutes in. You can paint for the remaining minutes of the episode. I'll watch paint dry for the remaining minutes. Please, just get on with it. They squabble, and Richard walks in, hollering for them to settle down. It's very Brady Bunch, but not charming. Glenn is threatened by the chair; the ladies love the chair. Richard says that if God wanted women to enjoy sex, He would have given them penises. Nelle's says that the men are threatened by the fact that Ally bought a house on her own, and that the chair is better than the men are. Richard says that since "Ally thinks metaphorically the house is her, let's slap some paint on." They grumble, and the scene ends. What, no paint fight?
What say the jury? The jury find French Stewart not guilty. Ally is all, "I think you deserved to lose, but got off because you have a big heart. Don't celebrate by buying her a gift." French walks over to his wife, and asks that he take her back, promising that he'll try to get some acting lessons...I mean, "some help." She says no, and sings, "Don't you come home no more, no more, no more, no more!" The piano and Ally are sad. French squints, and looks away.
The band at the bar whips into an up-tempo version of "Hit the Road, Jack," as we zoom over Boston at night. Finally, DRINK!
Richard and Ray tell Glenn he should only be concerned over whether the sex is good for him. They clink beer bottles, as Glenn looks confused.
Elaine and Ally ask questions about the chair. Is it really that good? Nelle, Corretta, and Jenny put their heads together and nod. Ally leaves, saying she has a date with herself. Everyone looks at everyone else, then shrugs.
Ally leaves the bar, grabs a plaid hat out of the wind, and squishes it on her head. Vonda starts singing "Blowin' on the Wind." Ally stomps toward her house. The sign says "SOLD" now. She goggles at the nice new paint job. It does look good. The coat rack makes her really verklempt. She ceremoniously hangs her coat on it. Vonda sings on. Ally leans on, then slides down the wall, happy to be in her own, nice house. I hope the paint has dried! Otherwise, she'd get all smeary.