Previously on Ally McBeal: Jenny freaked because she found out her mom, Jacqueline Bisset, is marrying a much younger man. Kimmy Bishop, she of the dormant twitch, had a minor fling with the Biscuit. Well, a couple of dates, I guess. With her mother in tow. Richard was hot for Jackie Bisset. Get in line, buster.
Boston at night, sailors take flight. In the bar, Glenn is singing "Hey, Jealous Lover" with half a dozen backup singers or so. Richard shamelessly hits on Jenny's mom. He insists he has "altruistic motives," in that most marrieds end up having affairs and losing their relationships. If Jenny's mom gets "nasty" before the nuptials, well, no harm, no foul. The thing is, is that Jackie Bisset? Has already been nasty. That's why she asks that Richard call her Miss Bisset. And, that she totally enjoys getting Richard revved up even more by asking if his "altruistic place is still hard," and if he wants to know just how nasty she has been. Oh, goodness me. I just dropped my third monocle this week. I simply have to stop being so horrified.
Vonda's been dowwwwn, she's been down down down...
We race across an aerial shot of Boston. Drink. It's a bright day, and can someone please tell me why Nell Carter's name was so buried in the credits? Like, who in hell is Albert Hall? He gets billing above Nell freaking Carter? And the show is "with" Jami Gertz and Jackie Bisset, but Nell Carter, star of stage and both big- and small-screen, just gets lumped in with everyone else who has a line? I have to say it: gimme a break. I sure deserve it.
Jenny's trying on a nice enough navy blue satin dress, cut on the bias with a low back and interesting neckline. She whines to Ally that it doesn't even fit, and Ally says that bridesmaids' dresses are often pieces of shit. Well, this dress isn't half bad. And, the fact that they're having this fashion show in the office? Well, I won't comment. Jackie's fiancé walks in (what is he doing here? Oh right, won't comment on that, either) and says that Jenny does not, contrary to her opinion, look ridiculous. She splits, and the most Boring Young Man Ever To Graduate From Yale and Marry Jackie Bisset strolls into Ally's office, looking like quite the slimy snake. Small talk. Ally says that, when she's fifty, she hopes a young guy will still find her attractive. He says he thinks she'll have no problem. He looks at her, and the keyboards make a noise. Ally thanks him. And why is he looking at her that way? No reason. The keyboards make their swelling, angelic choir noise again. Ally looks at him super-funny.
Kimmy Bishop steps off the elevators. Her outfit is very 1974 TWA stewardess, all red polyester, with bad gold-tone buttons and a hiddy ersatz Hermes pattern on the collar. Let's hope Jami Gertz made a Choice to wear it, since it So Defines Her Character. You know, if she ever talks publicly about playing this role, she can say something like, "I saw the outfit and found Kimmy! When I put it on, I just became the character!" Anyway, La Bishop is "such in a predicament" that she had to write down the particulars and hand-deliver them to the Biscuit. John gestures to Corretta, and they all retire to his office.
La Bishop had paid a matchmaker $23,000 to find her a match. After three months, her money was refunded, and she was deemed "unmatchable." Kimmy is suing for emotional distress. And the trial is in an hour. Corretta, in her cute black and white trompe l'oeil suit, looks agog. Corretta? You're no longer the new girl. Either stop popping your monocles, or take up drinking.
Ally walks into her shrink's office. There's a little boy there, maybe five years old, wearing a fisherman's sweater and with ice skates slung around his shoulders. He tells Ally, "Last chance." She's all, wuh? Last chance for love, he says. Snuh? says she. Then the boy's lips move, but Vonda's voice comes out, singing, "Laaaast chance, for rooomaaaance, and looo-ooh-ooove!" Kill me now. The shrink comes out, and the boy? Is gone. Fucking hallucinations.
Kimmy's on the stand as her match-up videotape plays. She laughs as her videotaped self says, "Rainy days and Mondays don't really get me down, ha ha! I personally have a sense of humor, and often utilize it!" Snort. Is that comment a shout-out to Karen Carpenter, whom Kimmy resembles in a grotesque, saccharine way? As John questions her, we learn that Kimmy went on "many dates," and that two "even went to third base." But they didn't work out. "One only wanted the "s" word. John asks whether the other "got blue on rainy Mondays." Heh. Her eye twitches, which sets off John's mouth. He calls for a recess to get his lip twitch under control, but no dice. The judge asks his own question: why is Kimmy suing? Kimmy was set up with fishermen. But that's not it: Nell Carter, the matchmaker, informed Kimmy by certified mail that no match for Kimmy existed in America, and possibly not even on the planet earth. Heh. Maybe we can tap Nell for a recapper's job? And, the matchmaking company changed their slogan, to "guaranteed success every time -- but once." Aww.
Ally relays her current dilemma to her shrink: should she tell Jenny that Jackie's fiancé made a play for her? El Shrinkador says she should. Ally looks way uncomfortable with that. Then, the shrink changes his answer to maybe. Ally feels better with that, and makes to leave. The little boy is back in the waiting room. He asks, "Why don't you believe?" Wuh? says Ally. "I need air," says the boy. I need a drink. Is this supposed to be Ally's inner child? Or the baby grown up? Who or what needs air? DEK's tired brain, perhaps?
The promos for the impending arrival of Jon Bon Jovi? Are not that interesting. Are we supposed to believe that he's a bad boy, and not just another wrinkly has-been rocker from Jersey? Maybe if they had hired Sebastian Bach, I'd be happier. Or Ozzy. Ozzy would have been great. And yes, I know Ozzy isn't from Jersey. And that Sebastian is really from Canada. But he lives in Jersey now! And Ozzy just rules.
Ally's asking Glenn what she should do about the Jenny/Jackie/younger snake predicament. How many people will she ask before doing something? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Glenn says she should tell, because what if she's right? Jenny pops up: "Right about what?" Oop. Ally says that Young Snake "kind of made a pass. With a look. He wasn't direct." What if Ally's wrong? What if Ally's right? What to do? Jenny asks that Ally offer herself up as bait. Ally asks if she's just to walk up and say, "Hi, sailor." Yes. Why not? Maybe dance with him in the bar? While Richard is throwing himself at Jackie Bisset? Ally says she can't. Jenny says, "Please?" Because it's her mom. Because while "hi, sailor" is ludicrous, Jenny saying "please"? Is just what it takes.
Nell Carter's on the stand, taking no guff and putting up with no nonsense. Crap? She won't take it. You know what I'm talking about. She says that if the court thinks Kimmy Bishop is disgruntled, the court should see the men Nell Carter fixed up with Kimmy. Nell Carter leans into the mike to repeat their comments: "Never. Again." Hee. And, look at all the people she has fixed up successfully! The court is jammed with happy, loving couples, being all snuggly and nuzzly. Barf. Nell Carter says she saw Kimmy as a challenge, and that even though she is a woman who "responds to challenge," she had to cut Kimmy loose.
Ally is still in the Uni, still unsure about what to do about Jackie Bisset and her fiancé. Richard thinks that Ally should tell Jackie her boy's a player, and send her into Richard's arms. As Ally turns into the mirror, sighing, she sees the little boy behind her. Another fucking hallucination.
John interrogates Nell Carter. Why, exactly, did she have to tell Kimmy Bishop that there was "no match on the planet" for her? Because Nell is aware of "less reputable matchmakers" that might try to take Kimmy's money, in spite of the facts. Heh. John asks Miss Pumple if she might not have been projecting her personal failure onto her client, and repeats, "Miss Pumple." Nell Carter tells the judge she doesn't "like the way he keeps punching [her] name." Hee! I wonder if that line was improvised. Nell asks John to look behind him and see the people who are there to bear witness to the fact that she does her job well, since they all came to her with the same question. John takes the bait: what was the question? Nell bursts into song: "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match! Find me a find, catch me a catch!" Um, that isn't a question. It's a song. From Fiddler on the Roof. But whatever. Nell tells the judge that this song is the matchmaking agency's "theme," and that they sing it at their "reunions, of which there are many." The assembled people in the court start singing lines of the song. There's interracial couples, gay couples, Kimmy even takes a line. Corretta puts her head in her hands. Corretta? A little whiskey, I promise, will take the edge right off. I promise.
Ally is begging Elaine to try to seduce Jackie's Young Snake. Elaine "doesn't feel right" about it. Oh, PLEASE! Since WHEN does Elaine have scruples?! When does she not want to stir things up, or fool around with a guy? The elevators ding, Young Snake steps off, and Ally reminds Elaine that the snake digs "sophistication." So Elaine switches on her spinning bra, and lets that work its magic. Young Snake is all, WTF? So Ally takes him into her office to do the dirty job herself. FINALLY. Elaine shoots after them, "Too subtle?" Heh.
Ally is the clumsiest seducer ever. She stands in the doorway and fiddles with a plant and says maybe Young Snake was interested in her "sexual...ly," and that if he wants to "dip his pen in the inkwell," she'd be fine with "being that ink." Okay? He gets it, but says he's not interested in dipping his quill in ink or anything else of that nature, and makes to leave. Oh, and if Ally "wants something more" than a pen-and-ink party? "Like, a little affair?" Young Snake is down for that. Ally stammers and says she'll give it some thought. The music, for whatever reason, is ominous. Jesus. Ally closes the door behind him and icks out. Christ, didn't she kiss Billy when he was married to Georgia? People. Cheat. If it didn't make the music get ominous then, it shouldn't now. What is ominous music doing on this show, anyway? The Sopranos is that way.
Ally, Jenny, and Glenn are conferring. Ew, the guy's a snake, icky yucky, what to do now? In walks Jackie Bisset. Jenny wants to tell her mom, but she's afraid she'll barf, and she doesn't want "to be the bearer of both bad news and puke." So, Ally starts. She stammers for a while, until Glenn breaks in to declare, "He's a scoundrel!" Ally finally manages to get out that The Young Snake wanted to have a "small affair" with her. Just when I thought Jackie Bisset couldn't get any cooler, she does, by saying she and her Boring Young Man have an "open relationship," and that while she wouldn't exactly be fine with him fooling around with "a friend of [her] daughter's" (and shouldn't that be a "boss" of her daughter's?), the Young Snake is "free to do as he pleases," as is Jackie. Woo! Jenny walks off, saying, "This just isn't my mother!" Oh, grow up. Moms get laid. Moms have open relationships. Ally walks to the window and sees a reflection of the little boy, who says, "You're killing me." Oh, now I get it. The hallucination of the boy is supposed to be me, talking to DEK! Of course.
Glenn and Richard stroll into the office. Richard says it just isn't fair, it's a violation of love, and is Jackie really into having affairs? Wow.
Corretta has a secret witness for her matchmaker case. John doesn't like surprises, but Corretta says it'll be a surprise for the other side. Oh, whatever.
El Shrinkador tells Ally, mid-session, that "a lot of marriages are open." Ally agrees, but says they are that way "in response to failure." What, have there been published studies on this? Ally thinks that starting a marriage with an open-door policy means it's okay to cheat. And that takes all the guilt right out of it! Which means no fun for Ally. She's "just filled with such hopelessness...if all men cheat, [does she] have to resign [herself] to that?" The Shrink asks for her hand, then says that if she swears off adultery, how will she be able to hook up with all the cute married guys out there? Ba dump dump. Ally rips her hand away. He asks that she tell him about the boy. She says the boy is over: "He's back with Jenny." No, he meant her hallucination of the little boy. How'd he know? Has he been dosing her? The Shrink says that "if this hallucination says you're trying to kill him, it's not nothing." Hallucinations have gradations of seriousness? How many grains do I have to take with this shit?
Jenny and her mom are in the bar. Vonda sings "The Worst That Could Happen." Jackie Bisset does exactly what I would do, which is to knock back her glass of wine in one gulp. Jenny -- who has the emotional maturity of a clementine -- is all, ew, ew, ick, mom, open marriage, affairs? Ew. Marriage is two people, til death them do part. Jackie, pragmatic as hell, is all, "What about my happiness?" She adds that she values her independence. She also says that "men annoy [her]." So, she does the open thing. Jenny says, ick, ick, ew. Can there never be a balance on this show? And could Vonda emote any harder?
Okay, Corretta's surprise witness? Is Mariah Carey. This is what we've been waiting for, supposedly. She says Nell tried to fix her up and failed, and also said hurtful things about her. Nell's lawyer steps up. Doesn't Mariah love the spotlight? As in, she travels with a spotlight and technician at all times? And would she like to be lit up right now? Mariah demurs, and then says she would. The spotlight goes on. Mariah beams. She even turns the left side of her face to the camera so that she can smile at the judge. Wow, I've never seen that side! She does look like Richard Nixon from that angle! The crickets chirp. Because no one cares. But, I will totally watch the Cribs episode with Mariah. The girl is nuttier than a Chunky bar, and I want to see her sit in the tub with a towel on. This maybe-a-minute-long scene was lame, but I want to see crazy.
John yells at Corretta for providing such a wacky witness. They yell. Is this show really supposed to be a comedy? I don't see it.
Ally and John are in the bar. Vonda begins to sing "Last Chance For Love." Ally is all, "I can't believe that she's singing that song!" Because it's such a total shout-out to Ally, and Ally, the center of the universe, hardly ever gets the attention she deserves. John makes a face, like, oh, what I was saying didn't matter. Ally grabs him and demands that they dance. Vonda zooms between keys as she bleats her way through the song. Choose one, singer lady, and stick to it. Ally dances like a dosed marionette, or like Elmo having a seizure. John tries to keep up, but soon the dance floor is cleared, leaving Ally to flail her limbs all by herself. The song ends, and Ally socks John, who's heaving and panting at the bar, waiting for her to finish up. What-the-fuck-EVER. This is the worst episode of this show I think I've ever seen, let alone recapped.
Aerial shot of Boston at night morphs into aerial shot of Boston by day. Two shots, woo! Ally walks into the Uni with trepidation. She looks into the mirror, and is relieved to not see the reflection of the hallucination of the ice-skate boy. Then, he speaks: "Do you even remember?" She gasps and whirls around. Remember what? she asks. She doesn't remember. Richard walks in and asks what the matter is. Ally stammers like hell, and says she doesn't know. Ooh, I know. Is it that you're on a very lame television show?
Corretta and John head off to court, squabbling. She says, "Not everything can be as choreographed as a nose whistle." Are we supposed to care?
Richard is consoling Ally, who says "this might be [her] final breakdown." I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY. He's asking about the hallucination of the skater-boy, and asks if that's why she "went crazy" at the bar last night with her wild dancing-type movements. Ally used to go skating, and "pretend [she] was in love." Richard says that the little boy is Ally, or the part of Ally that used to be little and believe in love. And she isn't letting that part of her stay alive insider her anymore. Ally says that's "far too profound" for Richard to have come up with. Richard says that he "was there when Billy died, and when Larry left." Ally is all, "The little boy is me? Uh." Worst. Episode. Ever.
Aerial shot of Boston. I think I've had enough. Nell Carter's on the stand. Corretta questions her. Could she fix Corretta up? Or, this woman? Or, this woman here in the back who looks like a man? Or, this random, redheaded woman in the tiger-striped top with the black leather jacket and skirt? Nell says she'll eat her license if she can't find that vixen a mate. Corretta asks for the vixen's name. "Kimmy. Bishop." So, what does that prove? Is this even court? Who's talking? John asks if Nell would like a little Jack cheese on her license. Nell stammers that Kimmy didn't look like that when she came to her! Corretta asks if anyone wants to meet the new, slutty Kimmy. Many hands are raised. Okay, is this a shout-out to Michelle Pfeiffer? Since she was in Grease II, and the slut makeover worked on Olivia Newton-John in Grease? I'm reaching, aren't I? ["That's no reach. There were Grease references all over Gwen's recap of Kimmy's last trial." -- Wing Chun]
Nell and her lawyers are in chambers with John, Corretta, and Kimmy. Nell says that Kimmy was unwilling to make "these kinds of wholesale changes" Nell wanted her to make in order to find a match: "She's only making them now to win a lawsuit!" Nell says she'll switch her slogan back, adding that if Kimmy will make some changes, Nell will find Kimmy a man. Kimmy says she still "has to be true to [herself]," but they make a deal to work together again. Great. Anyone care? Me neither.
Vonda sings "Young at Heart" as we witness the wedding of Jackie Bisset and Young Snake. Ally is a bridesmaid. Kimmy is wearing her wig and slut outfit as she sits in the pew with John. Oh, there's Ray, checking his watch! He and Kimmy exchange a look. Oh, boy.
Ally, wearing John's coat around her shoulders, dishes about the wedding to John. She can't believe Jackie and Young Snake got married, with the open thing. Does Ally still believe in love? And is the little boy dead? Or did he just say she was killing him? John thinks Ally still has a chance.
Boston night sky. Nell's singing "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in the bar. I guess it's Jackie's and Young Snake's wedding party. But who cares, right? Corretta and John make up, and go to dance. Jenny says tha "in times like these, [she] feels like our hearts are are most valued posessions." I can't say it enough: whatever. Ally leaves to go skating. You knew it was coming, people.
Ice-skating rink. Thank the lord, Vonda is not singing, playing music, or driving the Zamboni. It's kind of peaceful. Then, hell breaks loose, in the form of Mariah. She's singing about love, or something. Don't fucking ask me what song it is; I have no idea, and I don't want to know. She's a poision in our culture, and needs to stop. Ally skates around. How do you recap skating? Now, we're back in the bar. John and Corretta dance, while looking at Mariah, in her spotlight. Portia drinks her martini. Ally, or Ally's stunt double, skates. Spinning, spinning. I don't care; I'm still going to drink when I write these. I have to. Oh, the spinning.