Previously on Ally McBeal: Reverend Newman broke up with his choir-singer girlfriend Lisa; she sang suggestive songs in church, and he didn't fire her for fear of reprisal in the form of a sexual-harassment suit. I think this was more than a season ago, actually. ["I believe you are correct." -- Wing Chun]
Christine Lahti walks down the street in ugly spectator pumps and a black trench coat as a young-Christopher-Reeve lookalike and several other men gawk at her. The Taylor-Dayne soundalike belts, "Love is alive, love is alive, yeah! Yea-eah! Hee-ee-ee-aw! Yeah!" Waves of heat emit from Lahti's body (also rhymes with "hottie") as she takes the elevator up to Fish & Cage. Before Elaine can fetch Richard, he's there, stammering and staring at Hottie Lahti Body. Her character's name is Sydney, though. Richard already knows this, and he leads her to his office. Mark sidles up to Elaine and asks, "Who's that?" in a casual gossipy tone, as if the two of them didn't just have a bitter breakup. Ling and Nelle stick their heads around a corner and make catty noises.
In Richard's office, Sydney takes off her coat, revealing a white shirt that looks like it's corseted. As she speaks to Richard, her voice does this goofy reverb thing that's supposed to be hypnotically sexy. She asks Richard whether he gets off on "mommy talk" and whether he's aroused. He indicates that he does and is. She asks him to hold off until she's finished explaining her case. It seems that Sydney runs a company and only hires men to work there. The men are "drones" and she is "the queen," and this sounds like something I've heard before on this show. I sigh. "Have you ever sucked on a woman's toe before, Richey?" Sydney asks. Richard says that he's a lawyer, and asks whether she's there to hire his firm or what. Sydney tells him that she is, but that she can't tell him about her case until he stops thinking about sucking her toe. He says that he can't. She asks whether he can promise to stop sucking her toe after one minute. He says he can. She takes off her shoe and says, "Go to my foot, Richey." I can't remember whether or not she was wearing hose in the scene. It seems like she had on black ones. I don't really want to think about her toes, anyway, though, because they're probably all calloused from the roach-killer shoes she wears. So I'm just going to move on to the scene, all right?
Morning meeting. Nelle and Larry are assigned to the Rev. Newman and Lisa Knowles case. Ling, Nelle, and Ally want to know who Sydney Gale is. Elaine comes in and announces that Sydney's waiting for Richard. Richard tells John to accompany him. John seems irritated about having to stop eating his cherry pie. Jackson looks at Ling. Mark takes of his shirt, looks at the camera, and begs me to rescue him. Oh, wait. No, he doesn't.
Richard's office. John freaks out over Richard's toe-sucking episode. Sydney walks in wearing a clingy white dress and gives John the Reverbo hello. "Oh. Richey told you about my toe. Would you like to see it?" she asks John. I imagine her holding up a bandaged bunion for his perusal.
Conference room. Rev. Newman tells Nelle and Larry that Lisa, his ex, uses his church's choir as a venue for singing hostile songs. The hostile songs are directed at Buttons, the minister's new girlfriend, who is also in the choir. He's afraid to fire Lisa because he thinks she'd sue him for sexual harassment. Whatever.
Courtroom. Some guy testifies that he and the other hundred or so men who worked for Sydney Gale lusted after her. Because this guy was about to be married, he requested that he no longer have contact with Ms. Gale. She fired him. John cross-examines, asking why this guy didn't simply leave the company if he was made so uncomfortable by all the lusting. John gets the guy to admit that he didn't want to leave Sydney nor leave off licking her forearm. Whatever.
Rev. Newman gives a rousing sermon about conquering violence with love. Lisa Knowles steps down from the choir's pews to begin canting the hymn. "Well, I'd rather see you dead, little girl, than to see you with my man," she sings. The woman I presume to be Buttons looks uncomfortable while the rest of the choir sings back up. I guess she didn't make it to choir practice that week. She rallies quickly, however, stepping down to Lisa's dais and joining in the hymnal with, "Baby, I'm determined, and I'd rather see you dead." There's a battle of vocal adlibs. "You better run and hide!" sings Lisa. "Go get a life!" sings Buttons. The women finish the song and glare at each other horridly while the congregation cheers. Nelle and Jackson, who have been watching from a pew the whole time, furrow their faces.
In one of their offices, Richard and John watch a video about bees. John points out the queen. Richard asks whether the other bees are fornicating with her. John explains that they're working. The worker bees work, and the queen just gets her toe sucked, he says. At this point I'd like to thank lochia, one of the posters on our forum, for pointing out that worker bees are female. Thanks, lochia!
Lobby. Nelle explains to Rev. Newman that, since his congregation loved the dueling divas, he doesn't really have just cause for a case. Jackson suggests mediation between the women, and the Rev frets. Jackson tells him, "My specialty is smooth," adding that he can smooth things out. Nelle tells him, "Oh, please," but then ruins it by apologizing immediately afterward.
Nelle: I'm sorry?
Unknown Woman: To be open and notorious, carrying on a love affair right in front of the nose of a female employee who he used to be involved with -- that's sexual harassment.
Rev. Newman: What?
Nelle: How do you figure that?
UW:I figure it 'cause it's a sexually charged thing, contributing to a hostile work environment.
Nelle: The law says...
UW:I'm not finished. I tell you what the law is. The sexual harassment law is an expanding thing. It changes and grows every day.
Nelle: Well, Mrs. Parks, I'm sure you're quick to champion expansion whenever you get the opportunity...
UW: What's that? A fat joke? You making a fat joke now?
Jackson: All, all, all right now...
Nelle: I am not making a...
Jackson: Let's hold on here. There are a lot of emotions on the surface.
UW [now identified as Mrs. Parks]: Oh, shut up, pretty boy. Nobody likes a pretty boy.
Jackson: No one here is attempting to be pretty.
Mrs. Parks: What's that -- an ugly joke? She's making fat jokes, you're making ugly jokes. [to Lisa] Is he calling you ugly?
Lisa: [looking at Buttons] He meant her.
Buttons: That's funny, you tank.
Jackson: Okay, okay, okay, that is enough.
Mrs. Parks: Ain't you pretty?
Jackson: Are you a real lawyer?
Mrs. Parks: What's that -- a dumb joke? Fat, ugly, and dumb now.
We learn that Mrs. Parks is actually Lisa's "emotional representative." She reiterates her belief that Lisa can sing whatever she wants and that if she gets fired, it will be sexual harassment. As the "musical director," Lisa's "got quid, she's got pro, and she's got quo, and she'll be suing his holy ass," Mrs. Parks tells us. She says that if Rev. Newman doesn't dump Buttons, Lisa will continue to sing whatever hostile songs she wants. They leave the room and Nelle, who's been unable to contain her mirth throughout the "pretty boy" comments, slags Jackson's smooth approach.