Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally whined about her birthdays, annoyed all the viewers, and never realized that her yearly shtick was irritating and not at all cute.
Ally sleeps as the alarm clock speaks to her. It tells her to wake up because it's her birthday and her eggs are drying up. Ally gets up and looks into the mirror. There's a horrifying CGI effect that enables her to stretch out the skin of her cheeks and scare the hell out of my kids. Renee perks in. Ally announces that it's time for her first facelift. Renee says, "You don't look a day over forty!" and Ally reacts by destroying part of the bathroom. God, please don't ever let me become that obsessed about my age. Please. Oh, and thanks for keeping me from hallucinating my neuroses. Amen.
Morning meeting. Richard asks about Ally's absence. Mark informs him that she "called in older." You know, as opposed to having called in sick. Nelle pouts about the party the firm was planning to throw for Ally's birthday. Richard remarks that Nelle's too happy, and that he wants to meet her "computer date." The only thing I can glean from this exchange is that Nelle never had orgasms with John. thing we know, John's standing and saying, "up, Dale vs Hobey." Richard expresses surprise. John points out that he has just as much right to run the meeting as Richard has. "First up" and "up" are Richard's sayings, though. The heads of the associates whip back and forth with accompanying bamboo-swish sounds throughout this pettiness. John lets Richard continue. Mr. Dale is suing Dr. Hobey for a nose job gone wrong. Richard assigns John and Nelle to the case, but John doesn't want to take it. Guess why. He has a "thing" about noses. He was traumatized by a teacher with a big nose and...oh, shut up, John. Richard argues with him. John ends up yelling that senior partners are entitled to "go out and eat waffles" instead of working all the time. He gets the case anyway, though.
Some woman is in Larry's office, bitching him out. Apparently she's there to interview for the position of associate. You can tell because she's all irritated and inquisitive about the lack of rooms in his firm. She wants to know if the "waiting room" would be her office because, if so, she doesn't want the job. Larry tries to get words in edgewise but fails. The woman starts to leave. Larry says he'd already hired her in his mind. The woman is suspicious. Sting walks in and says that he's looking for Larry Paul. The woman asks Larry if he's trying to impress her. Sting has a "bit of a legal crisis," he says. The woman says she'll start a file. Oh, ha, ha, she's easily swayed by the presence of a celebrity. So funny, except for the part where it's not funny at all because it fails to elicit as much as a smile from anyone in the whole freaking world.
Mr. Dole, played by this female-star-impersonator guy who's supposed to be famous, is conferring with Nelle and John. He says he did want his nose enlarged, but not in the way that the surgeon did it. John makes a big deal out of staring in horror at the guy's nose and being generally offensive. I feel the need to point out that the female impersonator is dressed like a man, but wearing a shitload of "natural-looking" makeup.
Courtroom. The lawyer who always says "I'm not comfortable" is back. Now he's "not confident" and not a whole host of other "con-" words, as if his character were test-marketed and found hilarious by a large, desirable demographic. It's four o'clock in the morning and The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross just came on. How much better would Ally McBeal be if Bob Ross were playing this lawyer's part? Too bad he's dead. The lawyer Bob Ross should be replacing is representing a character named Louis, who is played by Paul Reubens. Louis is suing Sting for breaking up his marriage. He believes that Sting was hitting on his wife (played by Cheri Oteri) during his recent concert. Paul Reubens is funny in this scene, because he's always funny, because he makes funny faces. Cheri Oteri is sitting in the middle of the mostly-empty courtroom, making goo-goo eyes at Sting. Sting is wearing too much rouge, high on his cheekbones. Judge Seymore Walsh says that the case is ridiculous, but that he'll hear it, anyway. "Your Honor, you can't be serious," says Larry. "Despite my perky nature," says the belovedly saturnine Judge Walsh, "I am quite capable of being serious." Larry protests, "But my client is only in the Commonwealth until tomorrow." "The Commonwealth"? Okay, he should lose the case just for that. Judge Walsh says, "Then that's a good excuse for another one of the last-minute, two-day cases we always have on this show." Or something like that. I can't remember what he said, exactly. Bob Ross is putting one of those big, slanted, highlighted-to-shit trees in the foreground of the painting and ruining it, like he always does. One of Sting's songs plays as the camera focuses on Sting's look of consternation. That segue is even tackier than the big, slanted tree.
We see Ally sulking in her bedroom, and I'm already getting pissed off. Shut the fuck up, Ally. Renee walks in, the northern hemispheres of her breasts jiggling with every step, so that she can find out that Ally's taking the day off from work. Renee points out that Ally has no reason to be depressed. When has that ever stopped her, though? Renee leaves, and the broken-record hallucinations start in Ally's mind. Christ. She hallucinates "Hooked on a Feeling" as sung by Vonda, and then the stupid damned dancing baby walks in with a walker. See, the baby is old. He's all wrinkled and wearing glasses. He keels over and dies as Ally watches. She gasps and makes goofy faces into the commercial.
Vonda fails at an arpeggio as Ally smears her index finger over her lips and recalls one of her first meetings with Larry, in which he told her the cold, hard truth about her boyfriend-at-the-time not wanting to marry her. The CGI baby -- GOD, I HATE THIS SHOW -- pushes a CGI cannon into the room. Ally argues with him and he shoots her, and then she wakes up from her nap on the couch. Why can't she just go shopping and spend too much on herself like a normal person would?
Conference room. The surgeon, with the use of his laptop and some 3D modeling program I've never seen, shows what Harold Dole's nose was supposed to look like after surgery. Even the model of Mr. Dole on the monitor is wearing too much freaking makeup. Nelle says that Mr. Dole's real nose is bigger than the prototype. "You asked for Barbra Streisand," says that surgeon. "You gave me Karl Malden!" says Mr. Dole. Arguing ensues while John stutters, makes rude comments, and says, "Poop." We learn that the nose can't be redone. Then the surgeon says that the nose is what Harold wanted, and that his complaint is about something else altogether. Isn't it, Harold? Harold stomps out of the room, leaving us all not to give a shit about whatever secret he's hiding from Nelle and John.
Elaine and Jackson rehearse the song they're apparently planning to sing for Ally's birthday party. "This isn't even a duet, and it's not hot," Jackson says several times. It is pretty flaky. I think the song is called "The Wonder of You." It has plenty of "wah-oohs" in the background. Jackson leaves the room when it's time for his verse, but Elaine happily sings it for him. Oh, Elaine, you're such a ham -- when you're not some other piece of meat on this show, that is.
Conference room. Louis, his wife Melissa, and "Not Comfortable" meet with Larry and Sting. Louis says that Sting was obviously singing to Melissa at the concert. Sting tells Melissa, "Madam, I don't even know you." Melissa/Cheri Oteri says, "You know my heart -- you sang to it," in the same voice that she used for half her characters on SNL. Louis says that Sting sang "We'll Be Together" and looked straight at Melissa. He cranks on his boom box and imitates the way Sting allegedly "wooed" Melissa on the stage. It's pretty funny because Paul Reubens is always funny.
Nelle's office. She advises Harold to settle. He doesn't want to. She asks what the big secret is. Harold confesses that his boyfriend broke up with him after the surgery, but says it wasn't because of the botched nose job. It was because Harold went so far as to alter his looks for the sake of his obsession with performing. Nelle asks whether Harold's "blaming the heartache on the nose." Harold says that the nose is just wrong. Then he intones, "I have to sing, Ms. Porter. This is who I am," as the piano swells. Nelle leans forward and asks gently yet firmly, "Did you tell him that?" Oh, shut up, the both of youse. What the hell is this -- a movie on Lifetime?
We get another close-up of Ally pouting, when I didn't need to see the first few thousand. Richard walks into her apartment. She asks him how he got the key. "Oh, Jackson had copies made. Happy birthday," he says. Huh? What -- Jackson made copies after sleeping with Renee? Why? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Richard is there to distract Ally from her problems with a problem of his own. He wants Ling back. Ally advises him to buy new clothes so that Ling will think he has a new girlfriend dressing him. Richard thanks her for the speedy advice and asks whether she wants to talk about her own problems now. "No," says Ally. "Excellent," says Richard. But it was only a fakeout. She babbles about being driven by wants and the hope of tomorrow. She's happy, but she still feels alone, even while happy with someone else. Okay, so...whatever.
Unisex. Elaine informs Jackson that his nickname at work is "The Man in the Mirror." She tells him that with their combined vanity, they should easily steal the spotlight from Ally on her birthday. Also, she wants their song to be hot. Jackson tells her that he doesn't do Elvis. "I'm smooth," he says. "Oh, it's got to be smooth." Elaine smiles at him and says, "Fine. It'll be smooth. And hot!' Jackson smiles at himself in the mirror. Just when I'm starting to enjoy his character, rumors start up about Taye Diggs leaving the show. Oh, well. It's not like I'm not used to the show sucking my dog's ass. And I don't even have a dog.
Conference room. Melissa says that she didn't break up with her husband because she expected to have a relationship with Sting. She broke up with him because he refused to acknowledge that Sting loved her that night. "I know that I'm not likely to get the leading man," says Melissa. "I know that dreams aren't likely to come true for short little housewives from Brighton. But yes, in that one moment, I felt he really did want to be with me. And it was everything, I can tell you that. I'm happy with you, Louis. I love you. But to know that Sting wanted me, even it were for only a fleeting second -- that's...that's something." Come off it, Melissa. It's not like he's Stephen Malkmus. ["God, word." -- Wing Chun]
Ally looks at herself in the bathroom mirror and says, "Okay, just confront it. Deal." Then she chases the old baby across the living room and dives onto the floor to grab him. Instead, she grabs Renee's ankles and then gets up and explains it with no qualms at all. She's upset, also, because Larry didn't buy her lunch or flowers or anything for her birthday. He only got her an alarm clock. Well, that is pretty lame. I could see moping over the fact that you have a boyfriend who's too lazy and uncaring to do anything special for your birthday, but I can't excuse hallucinating degenerate babies over it.
At the mall, Richard shops for jealous-making clothes, with Mark to help him. They see Cindy Margolis and her breasts preparing for a swimsuit show. Richard gratuitously explains that her videos cause him to "abuse" himself. Then he decides to hit on her. Mark is sad that he has to be such an unimportant character who is forced to hear about the main characters abusing themselves.
Lobby. John and Nelle advise Harold to settle. Nelle takes Harold aside and tells him to embrace his "man-given looks." He should take the forty-thousand-dollar settlement and do what he loves, she says. I can't concentrate on this conversation, however, because I'm still trying to stop thinking about Richard jerking to Cindy Margolis videos. I sort of feel like puking. It's 5:30 AM and my mind wants to wander. I was considering making something to eat, but now I think I'll just vomit, instead. Now that I think about it, it probably wouldn't be too hard to keep from eating on the Ally set. Imagine how I'd feel if I had to hear the lines the censors wouldn't accept.
The Bar. Jackson and Elaine sing "Stay Awhile," and I have to say that it's pretty freaking hot. They touch each other all over. Ally, Ling, and Renee are unfathomably sharing a table. Ally asks whether Ling's jealous, watching the act. "With her? Please," Ling snorts. "What about me?" asks Renee. "We both slept with the guy. If I can deal, so can you." Ling acts shocked that Renee's slept with Jackson. At another table, Nelle suggests that Harold do a number and John says something offensive. Then Elaine's song is ruined by the sweating gag. I guess the writers are the jealous ones and they can't stand that Jane Krakowski has actual talent.
Ally's suddenly up in her office, doing work in her nasty baseball jersey and jeans. Richard comes up in a totally grody white leather jacket and asks why she isn't at her party. She whines that Larry's probably going to dump her soon. Maybe he wouldn't if you didn't whine so much, though, Ally. No...just kidding. He's going to dump you. Here's hoping that you take a long vacation after that happens -- and not the special-episode-in-L.A. kind, either.
Richard shows up at Larry's office. "I get you -- we're both emotional surfer boys," he tells Larry. He goes on in this vein for a while before finally telling Larry that there's no excuse for leaving Ally alone on her birthday. That was nice of him, I guess. He has to hurry back downstairs to Cindy Margolis. I wish they'd shown how he picked her up instead of whatever scene they showed instead. Cindy is not fated to speak in this episode, though, as you shall plainly see by the end of the recap. I guess the budget was pretty tight, what with all the other stars having lines all over the place.
Renee, in a heinously tight and shiny blue blouse, flatly baby-voices some song about moving on from one loser guy to another. Jackson watches with a wolfish grin until Ling blocks his view, asking, "You slept with her?" Jackson protests that he hasn't "re-slept" with Ling because she hasn't let him. "Oh, right -- after you've been with that. Don't talk to me. Don't even look at me," Ling fumes. Guess what happens . Richard walks in with Chesty Margolis, right as Renee's singing, "If I start being seen with someone new, don't be blue, don't be blue." Ling fumes some more. Poor Ling. Time to crank up the escort service again.
Discomfort Lawyer asks Sting directly, "Did you want to be with Melissa that evening as you sang to her?" Sting pauses dramatically and then says he did. "I can't lie about it anymore, Larry," he continues. Then, to Melissa: "That night, when I sang that song, I allowed myself to dream. I imagined myself in your arms -- running away with you, making love with you." Melissa's eyes mist up and she says, "Ah-ah-ah-ah!" "Uh...Sting..." says Larry. "I'm under oath, Larry," says Sting. When I was a teenager, I had a crush on Sting. My dad called him Stink. I also used to love Simon LeBon. My dad said he was a coke addict. When I was six or seven, I idolized Jamie Summers. My dad called her the "Bionic Broad." I would now like to take the time to thank my dad for foreshadowing my career as a recapper for MBTV.
Larry takes Sting into the other office. Sting asks how much it'd cost him to settle the case. Larry's new associate, still nameless to me, cynically explains that Sting's trying to be noble. Larry thanks Sting for settling and then passive-aggressifies something about sacrificing his own love life for the case, before hauling his files out the door. Nameless tells Sting that Larry missed his girlfriend's birthday. Sting looks properly concerned, just like he did when he dug Bart Simpson out of the well.
Back in the waiting/conference room, Larry initiates the settlement paperwork. He and Uncomfortable leave the cameo couple alone. Melissa "told you so"s, and Louis says that he now feels inadequate. "Louis, haven't I always told you what a vigorous lover you are?" Melissa asks. "But you could have had Sting," he replies. Now would be a good time for them to start making out, like Cheri always gets to do with Chris Kattan. Instead, Nosy Nameless walks in and tells Louis that rock stars are nothing but illusions. Melissa reminds Louis that their anniversary is that Saturday. Louis informs her that he already bought Springsteen tickets for the occasion. Nameless Nosy tells him to take Melissa to a movie, instead.
Harold sings in full Barbra regalia. It's the "nobody's gonna rain on my parade" song. Bleh. He could have done "Something's Coming," or dueted "I Am A Woman in Love" with Elaine or someone. The whole cast applauds until it's time to focus on Ally's problems again. Mark assures her that Larry will be at the party soon. Ally grumbles. Ling bitches about Richard and Cindy Margolis. "Who is Cindy Margolis?" Nelle asks. Nelle, you idiot, she's the Internet Queen! (Or at least, that's what I read. I don't really know who she is, either.) Ally can't stand the lack of attention, so she gets up and announces that she's leaving. "I just want to go. Can you all just let me go?" she carps. Bitch, ain't nobody stopping you. The lights go out and Ally says, "Okay, what the hell is this? Is this dark?" It's the funniest thing she's ever said in the history of the show. The lights come back on and Larry's on the stage singing "Every Breath You Take." Ally stands there and makes her weekly "deer in the headlights" face. Then Larry is replaced by Sting, who makes his trademark "let me indicate how high this note is for me by rolling my eyes up in my head" face. The audience squeals in surprise. Larry and Sting sing a line together. Larry dances with Ally, who is still pouty. Melissa and Louis are there, too. Sting beckons Larry to sing the chorus with him. Ally makes her "wide child-like eyes and slight smile" face. Everyone claps and so do I, when I realize the scene's finally over.
Out on the sidewalk, Larry tries to apologize some more, and Ally shoots him down several times. Finally she "rewards" him with a kiss. Then Vonda sings. Then we -- CHRIST, I'M GOING BLIND! -- see Larry and Ally having sex. Then we see Ally and the cartilage in her nose looking bitter and sad, awake in bed, while Larry snoozes on his stomach and dreams of getting busted on a drug charge and escaping.
week: Christine Lahti cameos as the local vagina dentata.