Vonda decides to kick off the hour by annoying me, singing "Gimme dat thing!" for no reason at all. Then we see John, Melanie, Richard, Ling, and two tertiary characters at The Restaurant. Melanie and John take turns seeing who can perform the goofiest tic or quirk. Ling comments that it must be cool to have Tourette's syndrome, and therefore have an excuse to be so annoying. Melanie brags about how good in bed her disorder allegedly makes her. John stutters. We learn that the two newcomers are Randy and Lisa, an engaged couple. Ling is going to be Lisa's bridesmaid. Randy is a former fianc é of Ling's. Richard asks if Randy still has feelings for Ling. Randy and Lisa stay silently aghast throughout this rude excuse for mealtime conversation.
At Larry's office, Ally shows Larry her new hat and the two of them joke about it. Ally tries to kiss Larry and hits him in the forehead with the brim. "My first brim job," says Larry. It's supposed to be funny that he said something that rhymed with "rim job." I was only scarred for life, though. Was he talking about Ally, or former inmates, or what? Now I'll be distracted throughout the recap. I was going to say that Ally looked decent for once. I liked her outfit and her hair was combed. Then they had to ruin it with a disgusting pun. Anyway, they're trying to kiss when Jamie shows up, looking as hot as Famke Janssen. She apologizes for barging in, but she has to speak to Larry. Ally rubs at her eye, stammers about having to go to work, and leaves. Jamie looks at her like, "Later, loser," and tells Larry that she wants to move with their son to Perry Sound, Canada. Shout out to all the peeps in Perry Sound! (I don't know any, but someone must.) Larry expresses surprise. Watch out, Larry. "Perry Sound" is the International Body of Water Symbol for "I'm gonna get you back in bed with me if it's the last thing I ever do."
In a completely ridiculous, beige-striped-polyester-shirt-AND-MATCHING-HEAD-SCARF ensemble, Renee asks Ally why Jamie's back. Ally doesn't know and babbles that she's not a jealous person. She points out, "I was able to work with Georgia, the woman who was married to the first ass I ever sniffed."
Oh -- my -- GOD. I can't believe Ally said "the first ass I ever sniffed." Can I just puke on myself now? Has the show moved to a new level of anal-centric anal-retentiveness? I can't believe I'm missing the jazz special on PBS so that I can sit here and be forced to imagine Ally McBeal's face in men's anuses. Jiminy fricking crickets.
At one office or another, John fusses at Richard for his lunchtime vulgarities. Richard is as unapologetic as ever. John informs us that he hasn't yet had sex with Melanie. Then he leaves to watch her read to her students. I don't know why he's doing that. I guess it's so he can establish the fact that Melanie's a teacher.
Lisa comes to Ling's office to express concern. She worries that Randy still has feelings for Ling -- that he's only settling for marriage to Lisa. Ling does her best to be reassuring. She explains that she dumped Randy seven years before, and that he was heartbroken, but that he most likely got over it. Lisa doesn't seem comforted. Gwen wonders why they named her character "Lisa" instead of something that doesn't look and sound like "Ling."
Back at his office, Larry complains that he doesn't want his son living in Canada, which he compares unfavorably to Detroit. ["Uhwhat?" -- niki] Jamie tells us that the two geographical locations share a border. Thanks for the filler, Jamie. She wants to know if Larry's in love with Ally. Larry says he is. That's the only reason Jamie can see for Larry living in Boston. Well, why did he move over there in the first place, then? Did Ally pull him like a tide, I wonder? Maybe she did, though. She is the most amazing woman on earth, as the writers keep having the characters tell us. Maybe her amazingness is super in nature. Larry asks if Jamie's trying to re-hook-up with him. She claims she's trying to build a sense of family for their son.
John and a bunch of little kids give rapt attention to Melanie as she reads a story about a two-headed girl. John interrupts the story with a totally uncalled-for scream. Melanie reads on. A Nurse Ratched wannabe shows up at the door in time to hear a student scream. John screams again. The woman asks for a word with Melanie, leaving John to monitor the class. I'm so sure -- like any school employee would do that without a criminal history check. Melanie suggests that John tell the kids a story, then runs off to get chewed out by her supervisor. John nervously starts a story about a train. His nose whistles and he stutters. "You're a boring little man," a little girl tells him. John amends that he's meek. "Why are you meek? It's not attractive," says the girl. John says that parents in America cut off the toes of children who aren't meek. The girl screams. "I'm not so boring now, am I, you little snot?" says John. This is hilarious. Maybe he can talk to them about rim jobs . Melanie returns and informs John that she was just fired. I think she should sue John. It's basically his fault.
thing you know, John's in court yelling that it's unethical for Melanie to be fired because of her disorder. Melanie and the Mean Firing Woman from Melanie's school are there, too. Melanie yells out "Hair club!" and we see that the judge wears a toupee. John stutters and his nose whistles AND he says "Frank Sinatra," as well as a bunch of other stupid stuff. It's not even vaguely amusing. The school's lawyer says that Melanie was fired because she frightens her students. The judge hopes that the opposing parties can mediate amongst themselves. I hope they do so off screen.