It's snowing, John's staring out the window, and Vonda's singing that Rod Stewart song that goes "straight-faced, while I cried." ["It's called 'Reason to Believe,' almost exactly like the title of this episode, because the show's subtle like that." -- Wing Chun] At first I thought a tear was rolling down John's cheek, but then I figured out that it was just his mole. Ally walks into his office, scratching her chin. The record-scratch noise plays and John's pants fall off. Then he screams like a girl and falls over a chair. He tells Ally that he "ate some bad pastrami and got some gas pains," and that's why he loosened his trousers. Ally is only mildly perturbed by all of this. I myself would have turned around and left the building. John eventually starts whining about how lonely he's been. He says, "I just see myself, thirty years from now -- a lonely old man with nothing to call his own but a worn-out, old trial bag." I think he said "trial bag." Then Paul Dooley appears in the doorway. John screams again, then Dooley screams, then John screams, then Ally screams and moves her hands as if insects are flying in her face. I'm still not laughing. Yeah -- this guy looks thirty years older than John, but only in John's dreams. John calls Dooley "Nicolas" and shakes his hand. He is "THE Nicolas Engbloom," some allegedly famous trial lawyer near whose house John grew up. Nicolas Engbloom explains that he's come out of retirement to defend a woman with Tourette's Syndrome. She murdered her lover by running over him with an SUV, then backing up and running over him again. She won't open up to Nicolas, though. Ally and John make unfunny noises of understanding, and the stage is set for the Stupid-Ass Case O' The Week.
It looks like the opening credits might have changed, but I can't be sure because I'm tired of looking at the faces of the characters on this show. Oh, and if I have to see that "Oh, Donna" tattoo commercial again, I'm going to...I'm going to...I'm going to grind my teeth or something.
At the morning Fish & Cage meeting, John explains his newest case. Nelle registers disgust and Richard makes an insensitive remark about Tourette's. Elaine shows cleavage while she informs John that a woman with "wattle for days" is there to see him. I pause my VCR on an image of Ling, whose blouse I like. It might not even be a very pretty blouse, but the rare instances that I see non-ugly clothing on this show, it really catches my eye.
John goes into his office and finds "Brandy" there. Brandy, played by Anne Haney, is Nicolas Engbloom's wife. She came in to hire John as her divorce lawyer. She's so annoyed about Nicolas's coming out of retirement that she wants to divorce him. They hem and haw over the conflict of interest for a bit and then John offers to set her up with a good lawyer. You realize, of course, that means someone outside Fish & Cage.
Over at Larry's office, John asks Larry to help get the Engblooms back together. He babbles about how great their marriage is while Ally makes myriad weird faces at Larry. Then Ally tells John that Larry will take the case. John thanks Ally and the two of them leave. Larry throws a pencil at Ally but, sadly, he misses.
On the way to a court conference room, John chastises Nicolas for not mentioning that Brandy had thrown him out of the house. Then they and Ally sit down with Melanie the Tourette's Girl, who is played by Anne Heche. Ms. Heche still has the same unflattering, too-blonde hairdo. Nicolas says that she doesn't speak to him at all. John introduces himself as Jonathan, then John. He makes inane statements. His nose whistles. He does his stuttering routine. He introduces Ally as his brother. All the while, Ally smiles as if she isn't so hungry that she faints on set. Melanie interrupts John's blather by screaming "Woo!" John repeats the "Woo!" He apologizes, explaining that he himself might have Tourette's Syndrome, and that he mimics the tics of others. Well, that explains a lot. Melanie throatily tells him, "I believe you." John wants to settle. Melanie doesn't. She says she'd rather be considered a murderer than insane. John goes over the specifics of her case. During this, we get about ten tics from Melanie, two of which are saying "midget" and "pipsqueak" in John's direction. ["That's funny, because I saw almost exactly the same thing a couple of weeks ago on an A&E rerun of L.A. Law, on which David E. Kelley worked. The difference was that the Tourette's sufferer then wasn't a murderer, and the whole issue was managed much more tastefully." -- Wing Chun] We also get about a million totally unnecessary reaction shots of Ally. I guess they have to do that so that they can keep the show title the same, though. Melanie refuses to settle. Her trial will begin after lunch. Gotta love that speedy American justice system.
Back at Fish & Cage, Richard asks Mark how Elaine is in bed. Richard says that he's been meaning to find out on his own, but that he's been too afraid of catching something. Mark is appropriately aghast at such rudeness. His hair is longer and now contains gel, though.
Ally rubs her coffee cup against her lower lip as she leads John and Nicolas off the elevator. Nicolas is congratulating John for connecting with Melanie. Elaine informs them that Brandy and Larry are awaiting them. I have nothing bitchy to say about this scene. Oh, wait -- get your coffee cup off your mouth, Ally. Quit touching your damned mouth. It's not sexy. It's annoying. There.
Nosy Richard asks Elaine if everything's okay in bed with her and Mark. She doesn't answer, feeding into his suspicion that the two of them haven't yet had sex. Richard should probably get a hobby.
Brandy and Nicolas argue about his un-retirement and I wonder why Ally and John are witnessing this along with Larry. Is John Nicolas's lawyer, too? Nicolas admits that he's afraid of retirement and that his love for Brandy isn't necessarily "enough." Brandy is all pithy and bitter. Ally looks thoughtful and John looks like he just heard a mouse.
"Nothing happened?" Richard asks Mark in the Unisex. Ling comes out of the stall on which Mark is leaning and asks, "Something wrong with your little thingie?" No, Ling, something is wrong with you people. Get out of the freaking bathroom. Richard, build a freaking lounge or something. Find an empty room, fill it with vending machines and Formica tables, and hold your gossip sessions there because I'm sick of listening to you people flushing the toilet. At least Ling washed her hands, though. Mark says that he's been too nervous to get him some because Elaine's so sexually experienced. Richard advises him to get a "sex song." He says, "John uses Barry White, I use Tom Jones. Does it help me, Ling-O?" "Amazing," Ling replies.
Meanwhile, Ally is telling Elaine that what she has with Mark may be too special for rushed sex. She informs us all that she and Larry dated a month before having sex. Elaine asks how it was with Larry. "It was so incredibly...private," says Ally with her unappealing smile. Rock on, Robert Downey Jr. Way to keep from having to do a sex scene with Calista Flockhart.
In court, a neighbor of Melanie's testifies that she saw Melanie and her boyfriend fighting right before Melanie ran him down. Melanie yells, "Big girl! Hippo!" in another of her sassy tics. The witness just makes a "whatever" face and goes on with her testimony. I guess she's used to assholes yelling stuff at her. You know what's going to happen some day? Some day I'm going to win a one-episode role on Ally McBeal. I'm going to sit around with David E. Kelley, the writers, and the cast. I'm going to say, "You know what would be funny? It'd be hilarious if I just stood in a courtroom and every cast member and extra took turns calling me fat." Then David E. Kelley will say, "Brilliant! That's comedy gold!" The writers will all laugh and say, "It sure is, Mr. Kelley!" while rearranging their testicles through their pants. One of the cast members will reach for a bagel on the table and David E. Kelley will slap her hand with his yardstick. I'll chew my bagel thoughtfully and wait for the real rain to come and wash away the scum of the earth.
The prosecution moves to turn in Melanie's signed confession and close the case. John jumps up and moves to dismiss the case. He makes a bunch of hyperboles and Judge Seymore Walsh yells, "Denied!" John calls Melanie to the stand. The judge says they'll reconvene the day. Melanie is smiling because John is so cute and funny to her.
At Larry's office, Brandy tells Larry that she doesn't want to talk anymore; she just wants her freaking divorce. He's all Mr. Charming with her and she admits that she would like to dance with her husband. They were Johnny Mathis fans, Brandy says. Larry uses his remote to turn on his Johnny Mathis CD and then gets her to dance with him. Ally walks in and babbles. She is totally dismissive of Brandy's wish to divorce Nicolas, just like everyone else has been. People, she's old -- not incapacitated. Do the jobs you were hired to do and shut the hell up.
In a private meeting with Melanie, John gets her to confess that her boyfriend's death was an accident. She ticked with her foot, accidentally kicked the accelerator, and then backed up because she thought the SUV had stopped on top of her boyfriend's body. Melanie tells this with no remorse whatsoever. She pleads with us to understand that she'd rather be thought of as an angry killer than as a victim of a pathetic twist of fate. She thinks that people would ridicule her if they knew the truth. She would rather go to prison than endure that. I guess we're supposed to feel sorry for her, but I don't. I don't even feel sorry for her dead boyfriend, though, so maybe I'm just too cynical in general. John gives her some feel-good speech and tells her to be honest on the stand.
Richard and Mark dance to "It's Not Unusual" in the Unisex. I love it. Eventually Richard is guiding Mark's pelvic thrusts with his own hands, and then Nelle walks in. Richard reminds her that the Sex Dance was her own idea. Nelle tells the guys that if they really want to turn on a woman, they need to show her respect. Then she goes to void her bodily waste while the men look in the mirror and imagine the voice of Aretha Franklin.
In the conference room, Larry, Brandy, Nicolas, John, and Ally are yakking about the two old folks' divorce case again. We see a long, voiced-over flashback of Nicolas at his retirement party. He stood on his office window ledge and considered jumping off. But then he didn't, so who cares? He tells Brandy that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life "sipping Milk of Magnesia daiquiris" in Florida. He wants to go back to the courtroom because that's where he feels powerful. Brandy says, "Fine. Go back to your courtroom. What a fool I am," and then leaves while the Mournful Violin of Other People's Problems plays. You go, Brandy. Leave his sorry ass. You wasted too many years on him and now it's time to make your own life.
GACK! We see Larry and Ally in bed. Larry's shirtless and Ally's lying all over his bare chest in her black t-shirt. Larry fondles her cheek and then her arm and elbow. The bones showing around Ally's wrist scare the shit out of me. They mumble about not putting their work before their relationship, if their relationship lasts long enough for that to become an issue. I wonder again how Robert Downey Jr.'s last episode will end.
It's the day. Ally's questioning Melanie on the stand. She asks her to describe the running-over of the boyfriend. Melanie explains that it was an accident, then yells, "Pancake!" The prosecutor remarks that she's never denied that it was murder before, and Melanie yells the word "bald" at him. It's funny when people with Tourette's Syndrome are able to be insulting and endanger their court cases at the same time, isn't it?
Larry tricks Brandy into going to the courthouse so that he can get her to watch Nicolas in a trial. He points out that she's angry because Nicolas won't share a life with her. Then he asks if she ever truly tried to share in his. That's right, Brandy...don't be so selfish. Don't expect your husband to do anything for you. Your job is to be his support -- his helpmate -- his cheerleader! Now put on some lipstick, go into that courtroom, and smile like your feelings don't matter! They don't!
Some doctor testifies that it's possible, even likely, that Melanie had a leg tic and involuntarily hit the accelerator with her foot. Brandy watches Nicolas ascertain this. I guess she's supposed to be impressed with these crafty, Matlock-esque courtroom stylings. Poor Brandy. RUN NOW!
John and Melanie confer. Melanie grabs John's hand and hits on him while Ally eavesdrops. John goes to where Ally is waiting and she immediately starts with the matchmaking. John demurs. Then paramedics are running through with a stretcher. Everything goes blurry and special-effect-y as we see that Brandy's the one on the stretcher. I guess she showed them.
In the hospital, a doctor tells Nicolas and the others that Brandy had a massive coronary, but will be okay. "This is God telling me," says Nicolas. "I wouldn't listen to her. Perhaps I should listen to him." Whatever.
Richard and Mark dance to "Respect" while Nelle watches over a stall door. She tells them that she thinks they're ready. Go wash your hands, Nelle.
thing you know, we're seeing all the Fish-n-Cagers in The Bar, where some special cameo-appearancing woman I don't recognize is singing "Respect." Mark, Elaine, Richard, and Ling dance. Nelle sings along at the table she shares with Ally, who is talking on her cell phone. Ally's also wearing ruffled sleeve cuffs, like the ones that went out in the early '90s. Ally pokes her martini olive and asks Nelle if she ever feels like she's wasting her short life. Nelle says that she's happy for Ally and Larry but that she likes her life just fine. Ally makes a goofy face. Then that "Nights in White Satin" song by the Moody Blues starts playing, and Nelle stands up. A blue spotlight bathes her as she sheds her suit, revealing a shimmery unitard. All eyes in The Bar are on her as she performs a heart-achingly beautiful interpretive dance. Ally sings, "'Cause I love you...oh, I love you...Oh, oh, I love you!" with tears streaming down her face.
Just kidding. None of that stuff happened. It was only another scene without a point.
Back at the hospital, Nicolas tells John that forty years before he'd ordered a brandy at a bar and had gotten a waitress named Brandy, instead. "It's a case of communication breakdown that resulted in a marriage instead of breaking one up," says he. Shut up, Nicolas. He says his real fear is that if he stays home all day, Brandy will realize that he's not good enough for her. Yeah, good point. Nicolas asks John to close Melanie's case the day. The Melancholy Oboe of Hospitalization softly moans.
John works on his closing. Ally comes into his office and babbles a bunch of stupid stuff. John babbles, too. Ally fingers her nose and leaves. Bananarama's "Manic Monday" starts playing and...Just kidding.
Mark and Richard kick back in another office. "What a relief!" says Mark. Richard makes an unfunny remark about Viagra. Elaine walks in and Richard asks her, about Mark, "Not that it's any of my business, but how was he?" Elaine answers by grabbing and kissing Mark, knocking him back onto the desk. "Both moaning," the closed-captioning tells us. Well, that's nice for them, I guess.
Melanie's prosecutor gives a lame closing. John and Melanie do a hand-slamming tic together. John speechifies about Melanie's long life of being stared at. He quotes Oliver Sacks and ponders the imponderable aspects of Tourette's syndrome. He pulls the old "unless you've walked in her shoes" argument and then the old "if you have doubt, you must acquit" routine.
Nicolas, Brandy, and Larry sit on the hospital bed and play Scrabble. They say pseudo-nasty words that aren't funny. Nicolas says, "Oh, balls," and I want to sock him in the head, even if he is an old man. Then he implies that he means to retire. He and Brandy hold hands and Brandy tells Larry that the case is over. Larry gratefully lays himself across Brandy's legs.
The jury finds Melanie not guilty. She yelps happily. Ally runs off, telling Melanie and John to discuss the bill. Melanie asks John if they can appeal, so she can have more meetings with him. "Oh, oh...that's an overture," says John. His nose whistles. Ally eavesdrops and squeals annoyingly. John starts to invite Melanie to The Bar, and she kisses him. Oh, how nice. John's gonna screw another client.
Then everyone's at the bar and Vonda's caterwauling again. Nelle and Renee sit and watch. "If this keeps up, you and I are gonna have to be friends," says Nelle. "It'll never come to that," Renee answers. Nelle asks if that's a promise. Check out what Renee says : "You don't fool me. If I offered you some of my jelly roll, you'd step right up." Okay, was that supposed to be an oral-sex reference or something? Just what does that mean, exactly? Whatever it means, it makes Nelle smile as she replies, "Well, how would you know? You've never offered." Then she looks arch as Renee makes a completely blank face. Whatever. You can do better, Nelle.
Nicolas and Brandy dance in the hospital room.
As they dance, Melanie laughs about how she had to be pushy to get John on a date, and about how he stuttered when he first met her. He tells her to hush, and she bites his ear. You can do better, too, Melanie.
week: Ling insults Melanie, and Jamie comes back for a second attempt to board the Larry Train. We're told to come back for this "unforgettable Ally McBeal." I'll be there, all right. This gig fills my closet with Payless shoes and polyester, dammit. I'm holding on until the bitter end.