Previously on Ally McBeal: Elaine's family sues her over the Face Bra. Elaine likes to kiss Ally, Billy, and John. She's John's fluffer. Billy kisses the Original Whipper, causing Georgia to leave.
Music starts playing, Vonda sings "Away in a Manger," and my cats start wailing and humping each other. Just your typical Monday night around here. Ally is walking down the street with Elaine, saying that she's not ready to sing at the Christmas party. Elaine has finally gotten an entire episode to revolve around her, but they made sure the only way she could get all of those lines was if she said all of them really quickly, so she's talking a mile a minute about how to be sexy onstage. She suddenly stops in front of a Nativity scene and says she swears she just saw Baby Jesus move. Ally is upset that someone else could be seeing things, and says, "Did he dance?" "she'll say 'Shut up!' That's the thing I say!" Elaine walks over to the baby and Ally follows her. Elaine walks over to the manger and finds a real live baby in REI swaddling clothes. Ally is giving Elaine this "Hey, get out of my fantasy life" look, but Elaine is too absorbed in the newborn. Ally walks over and starts poking the baby saying, "Oogachaka. Oogachaka," as if the baby will start dancing around in front of her. If I were Elaine I would have swerved that baby in the other direction and shouted, "Get away from her, you freak!" but instead she just gives Ally a look so Ally can announce, "It's real." Thank you, Dr. McBeal. Now go scratch yourself.
Vonda starts singing the theme song and my cats start tearing around the house ripping down stockings and ornaments. Very Special Episode, my ass.
Ooh, I'm being treated to three "sneak previews" of the "hot new show" Malcolm in the Middle. In the middle of making me nauseous.
Richard is trying to talk Ally out of singing at the Christmas party, but she's too busy eating the cuticles off her fingernails. He says that he's not opposed to her singing; it's just that since they all have ears they'll have to hear her. Ally begins chanting more to herself that she can indeed sing. "Why not? All the world's your stage," Richard drones on to no one. Ally walks into her office and screams. Man, how many times do I have to write that sentence this year? At first I assume she's screaming at the insane amount of Christmas decorations that have consumed her office, making her door look like that scene in Poltergeist when JoBeth Williams is trying to get into her kids' bedroom but the giant white ghost-thing is blocking her and she screams, "Stay away from my babies!" Instead, Ally just walks in on Elaine feeding the baby from a bottle. Amazingly, the kid doesn't start crying at Ally's screams. Ally slams the door and Elaine shushes her and coos that the baby is "such a good little eater." MALE FANTASY ALERT!
Ally says that Elaine has to turn the baby in. Elaine says she can't. Ally says it's criminal. Elaine says she wants to keep him. This is all going at rapid-fire, since Jane Krakowski is under contract to speak Elaine's lines as quickly as possible. Elaine says that she took the baby to a doctor and he's fine. How she got that kid to see a doctor without charts or a NAME is beyond me. I can't even get my cat to the vet without five forms. Ally says that the baby belongs to someone, and he was abandoned and needs to be turned into the authorities. Ally doesn't want Elaine to go to jail. Elaine doesn't want the baby to go to a foster home or back with the mother that abandoned him in the first place. Ally says that she has to go to the police. Elaine says that she would, but that she'd like to know if there's any way she could still keep him.
"I doubt it," John says in a new scene. He's playing with the rake from his rock garden. He says that the baby will go right into Social Services. Ally says that Elaine can't kidnap him. John says that if they could show possession, Elaine would have a better case. "What we need do [sic]...You really...?" "Yes," Elaine says. "What we need do [sic]...is notify the police and Social services as we petition for custody. Any chance you could lactate?" Elaine begs his pardon, but not without a smile. John starts to explain that the courts will be looking for the best interests of the child, and that some adoptive mothers have been known to start lactating. Elaine, never missing a moment, whips out her left breast and starts pushing it towards the baby. "Here, take it," she says, which prompts John to start Porky Pigging and for Ally to stop all of this madness with her ever-calm demeanor and say, "All right." The Porkying continues as the baby keeps whimpering and not taking the breast until John is just stuttering, "Teat, tit, teat, tit, teat." I guess that's just what I had asked for when I requested that the name of a female body be said on Ally McBeal instead of the boring old "penis." I had asked for something like "vulva," and instead I got "tit." Well, boys will be boys, won't they?
"Macho Man" starts playing, which of course means we're going to be treated to another scene with everybody's favorite Bleach Boy, Billy, with his newest track off Pet Sounds II: "I Just Pooted." Billy is shirtless, and lifting ten-pound weights like he's cooler than Kevin Spacey. He turns around so that we can watch him from behind. He looks like Susan Powter. Billy's assistant walks in so that we can get the patented Record Screech, and he stops working out and puts down his dumbbells. Well, two of them, anyway. The assistant is asking if Billy needs her to invite anyone to the Christmas party for him, but he says that he's probably not going. He says this as he towels off just his chest hair with his towel. Hey, is that drool on my mouth? No, it's snot from when I just snorted in disgust. Pretty Assistant tells Billy that he should go to the party even if Georgia -- referred to in this scene only as "she" -- is there. She says that when her parents split up, her dad asked her mom on a date and they "started over" from there. Maybe Billy needs to ask Georgia on a date, or at least a dance. Billy (along with the rest of the free world) is pretty sure that Georgia won't go for it. "Well," Pretty Assistant says, "If it's important, it's important. If it isn't, it isn't." She leaves us with that stunning remark, and there is only the sound of the impish piano as we all furrow our brows for a second thinking, "What the hell does that mean?" and then unfurrow, shrug and say, "I really don't care, anyway. I hate the new man."
Mr. Best-Interests-of-the-Child is trying to talk the judge out of granting a case based on Elaine's claim. John is arguing at the same time. Elaine is wearing gingham, the pattern of motherhood. John says that Elaine and the baby have already started to bond. The judge asks if he's building a case on "Finders Keepers." John says that the early bonding has happened but Mr. BIOTC says that they don't even know if she's fit enough to be a parent. John says that if her parental abilities are being questioned, then obviously she's a candidate for guardianship. Mr. BIOTC says that he's been tricked into saying that, and that John tricks people all the time. The judge says that there is a case there, and that the hearing will be held at 2 PM. Mr. BIOTC objects, to no avail. Elaine looks down and smiles.
Elaine has named the baby "Elliot." Ally is watching Elaine coo to the baby from the doorway. Man, if I worked at that office I'd make sure my door was always firmly closed. Ally walks in and sits right to Elaine, but has to say "Hi" to get Elaine to notice her. You know, she was in the baby zone: the place where the diapers look fifty feet wide. This also kicks off a story by Elaine about being a little girl and dreaming about being a grown-up; there was always a child in her dream, but never a husband. "I used to think, 'That doesn't make sense.'" "Now it does," Ally says. Elaine gives a look like, "Thanks for stealing the thunder from my 'When I Was A Little Girl' monologue, Skeletor," and says, "Yeah. Now it does," without any sort of emotion. "He's really real, isn't he?" Elaine asks. "Elaine, he's really real," Ally repeats, "but he's not really yours. At least not yet." This kicks off the When I Was A Little Girl oboe and a close-up of the cute baby as we go to commercial.
I'm a big fan of the new Lever 2000 body wash commercial. Big fan.
We see a shot of a phallic building, so I know we're about to see the Bleach Boy. "Me? How can I talk her out of it?" Richard and Billy are in the Unisex. Richard says that since Billy's known Ally the longest, he might be able to convince her not to sing. He tells Billy that Ally plans on singing something "sexy." "Yeah, right," Billy scoffs, because he wouldn't have been attracted to her or had sex with her if she was even slightly capable of being sexy. "I'm not kidding. Elaine has her convinced. Can you imagine? we'll have Mary Tyler Moore doing porn." Cue the flush. Ally walks from behind stall number two with a set of kitchen knives. Oh, those are her arms. "You don't think I can be sexy, Richard?" I don't know why she isn't asking Billy, her ex-boyfriend. Richard stammers that he isn't worried that she can be sexy, but rather that after seeing her in that state he'd be unable to ever fantasize about someone else. Ally says that she can be sexy. She looks at Billy, who gives a guilty chuckle. Ally looks around and pouts and huffs like she's forgotten to pull up her pants as the Poor Awkward Ally oboe kicks in.
Mary Tyler Moore calls me up and says that she doesn't know how they found out about Mary Tyler -- More! but that her attorneys are working on it.
Nelle and Ling are changing the baby's diaper. There are suddenly fifty things surrounding this baby, so Elaine obviously buys things very quickly. Nelle and Ling are cooing over the child. Nelle says that Ling needs to put more powder on Elliot before closing up his diaper, but Ling says that he's fine. Nelle brings up diaper rash, but Ling insists that she's capable of determining the amount of powder needed on the baby. She starts baby-talking to the kid, and a stream of "urine" hits her in the face. More correctly, it shoots a steady stream right into her mouth. (And you thought last week's Vomiting Santa on ER was bad!) Ling shakes her head and wipes her mouth with a cloth instead of screaming and running for the sink as any other human would have done. Nelle laughs and says that he wanted more powder. "It's acidic! It's burning my skin!" Ling yells. Nelle leans into Elliot and says, "We tried to tell her more powder --" and the baby pees right on Nelle. Nelle screams and looks outraged as Ling now begins to laugh. Now if these two ladies would just take off their tops, we might have a spread good enough for Hustler. Nelle wipes off her mouth and asks if he got her hair. I can hear the stylist in the back yell to Portia, "No, push your head lower, Portia, baby! They can't see my creation this week! You are not an actress, you're a talking head that carries my art!"
John and Ally are trying to get Margaret the Sociologist to say that it is in the baby's best interests for Elaine to keep him. Margaret says that she doesn't necessarily agree. Margaret complains that every time she goes to testify she ends up getting called a "vicious lesbian." She sneers at John on that last line. Ally says that since she recently adopted a child herself, she'd be a great witness. Ally says that she knows what it's like to bond with a baby. Margaret says that she and her baby bonded within a day, but that it's ultimately up to the baby to bond. Ally tells her just to say that. Margaret says she'd be saying that more as a mother and less as a sociologist. Ally is happy with that.
Georgia is sitting at her desk with Renee, who is hidden behind all of the furniture in the room. I wish Billy would walk over to Renee and grab her hand and say, "Nobody puts Baby in the corner," but he doesn't. He and Georgia exchange "hey"s, and then he asks if she'd be interested in being his date for the Christmas party. Now, this might have been sweet, but instead it sounds like he's giving her a Booty Call. Georgia sets her jaw, but doesn't have time to say anything because a social worker enters and says that she's looking for a "Renee Radish?" Renee says, "Radick. That's me. The 'Radish' is my head." Or, just the first part. Social Worker says that she needs to ask Renee a few questions concerning Elaine.
Another social worker is also questioning Richard, but this week's Silly Gag Prop is interrupting their conversation. In this case, it's a lamp that continues to fall into the space between Richard and the social worker. Richard drones that no one is really fit to be a parent, and that everyone is allowed to have a kid, as long as they can procreate, even if that isn't the best thing for a child, and besides, "It takes a village." The Social Worker is like, "Great. Can I do my job now?" Richard says that he thinks that some of the most "irresponsible" people in this situation are the girls who "let themselves get pregnant. Talking about the teenagers, some using drugs. Why does the law presume their automatic fitness to parent? Is it simply because the baby passes through their cervix on the way out? What kind of litmus is that? Tell me." I'll tell you. It's her kid. Hey, David E. Kelley! Yo, asshole! Teenage girls aren't just lying around "letting themselves get pregnant!" A girl can get raped. A girl can be told that she is completely loved, and then get DUMPED when she does get pregnant, even when the boy says that he'll stay with the girl no matter what. A girl can get tricked into thinking that her partner is being safe. A girl might not be educated on how girls get pregnant, or how to take or use birth control. A girl could use birth control, but it isn't 100% effective. What about the boy who "lets his girlfriend get pregnant," huh? What about the boy? Couldn't he take care of the baby? Why does the girl have to give her kid up for adoption or abandon him in the first place? Because she's scared and confused and schools don't want to deal with her and the boy gets scared too and the two of them just know that if they get rid of the baby, then they won't get in trouble. And if that girl thinks about what she's done and she wants their baby, then that's her baby. Those are her genes. The baby was in her body.
Oh, sorry. I "let myself" get pissed.
David E. Kelley didn't even write a response to that piggish question, so we move on to the court case, where Margaret is saying that you can't say exactly when the child bonds, but that right now, the best thing is to have the child stay with Elaine because she seems to be a good mother and babies don't like to have their lives disrupted. It's best to let a baby have some sense of normalcy -- routine. Mr. BIOTC tries to talk about the baby, but Margaret insists on having him refer to the child as "Elliot." It's not his name yet, but whatever. Mr. BIOTC brings up the point that it should be in the child's best interests to be with the most suitable parent, and not necessarily the person who found him? Wouldn't Elliot be able to bond with the mother? Won't the disruption be so short and at such a young age that it won't leave any lasting scars? Margaret agrees. Ally and John look discouraged.
Because I'm not pissed off enough, Billy goes to his Pigsty to share what happened when he asked Georgia out on a date. She said no. The group leader makes Billy say that he was "disrespectful to [his] wife." Billy says it. The group leader says that infidelity is a larger problem than the men are willing to admit. It leaves a "black hole" that can't be fixed by simply asking her out on a date. The "men" in the group both shake and nod their heads. The leader says that Billy trivialized the affair by asking Georgia out. Billy says that isn't what he meant to do. The group leader asks why Billy kissed that other woman. "Because...because I'm not good enough." "Not good enough for Georgia," the group leader says to the group. "Whatever I do, she complains," Billy elaborates. The group members are still wearing the same outfits from three episodes ago, I think. "Even when we made love, I could hear Peggy Lee singing in my head, 'Is that all there is?' She's a glass-half-empty person who makes me feel like I drain the glass. What does she expect? What can I do?" "What can you do?" the group leader asks. "I don't know! She wants me to change, change, change, and when I did [sic], she goes off and sucks face with the father of one of my old girlfriends, and when I get upset and fall off the fidelity wagon for a split second," snap of his fingers, "she walks on the marriage like I'm the bad guy. And when I go back groveling for a lousy date, she says no -- not enough grovel for her, she wants more. Well, you know what? I am not gonna give her more. I am not gonna give her the continued satisfaction of being able to reduce me to the size of a bug so that she can crush me with the heel of her shoe. I am SICK of not being good enough. I am SICK of being the poster boy for failure, which she does on purpose -- she tries to belittle me. I know what she is, I KNOW WHAT SHE IS!" "Say it, Billy. Say the word," says one of the "men." "She's a BITCH!" This starts the chanting of the word "Bitch." Billy holds up the conch and knocks the group leader out of his chair and shouts, "Sucks to your assmar, Piggy!" We hear snort noises that go along with the chanting as Judd Nelson sits in the back of the room and begins his slow, steady clapping. You can add pig noises all you want, I'm still not buying that you don't believe in this crap, David.
Pretty Assistant says that she doesn't know a lot about these men's groups, but they don't sound productive. Billy says that they are very productive, and "stuff comes out of you" that you didn't know was there. I'll let you write your own joke there. Pretty Assistant asks what kind of stuff. Billy says that he knows he doesn't want to go back to Georgia, and Pretty Assistant says that's great, because now he has everything he wants and should be perfectly happy. Billy asks for a date. Pretty Assistant says no because she works for him and she thinks he needs some time before he starts dating again. I assume that he'll say, "Okay, it's been thirty seconds, and you're fired. I'll pick you up at seven." But she leaves before he gets a chance.
Fade into Vonda keeping the baby awake with her singing. Elaine is cuddling the child making us go, "Awww." Fade to black.
A Get Real ad. Don't believe the hype. Do read the recaps.
Elaine is giving Ally tips on how to be sexy. I assume that she could do the same thing with a cardboard cutout of Ally and get just as far. Elaine holds the baby and starts grinding and singing to "Santa, Baby." Ally isn't sure if this is the right song. Elaine says this is the perfect song for Ally because it's "soft and cute and sexy," and she actually says it without giggling. Ally begins trying to sing so that we can have a feedback joke, but it's cut mercifully short by John running in and announcing, "It's time."
Ling and Nelle are in the elevator as Ling announces now she thinks she can have a baby. Nelle asks what changed, and Ling says that now they can laser off stretch marks, so the sacrifices aren't as big. Ling walks in and sees Richard holding a "baby." Ling asks if she can have him and Richard says, "Sure," and tosses the "baby" in the air. Slow motion shot of Ling and Nelle screeching and freaking out while trying to catch the obvious doll. Ling catches the doll and gives Richard a mean look. "I'd say he got you," Billy says, walking by holding Elliot. Ling says that was really mean and slams down the doll. "Oh, now look what you did," Billy says, referring to the silent naked baby in his arms. "Oh, let me hold him," Ling coos. I sigh the sighs of thousands of comedy writers. Of course, as soon as Ling leans into the baby it shoots the stream of urine in her face, this time with some magical Tinkerbell music playing in the background, so maybe she'll get her wish granted or something. Dear David E. Kelley, Comedy comes in threes. That's the rule. The first one is the setup. The second establishes the pattern. The third is an unexpected twist. Adding pixie dust music to the stream of urine does not make an unexpected twist. It makes for boring "comedy." Perhaps it's time to hire a group of writers instead of trying to write all of these shows at once. Just a suggestion. Love, Hungry and Talented Comedy Writers Everywhere.
Ally asks what Elaine (who is now on the stand) was thinking when she first lifted the baby out of the manger. Elaine says that after she thought about how beautiful he was, she got the distinct feeling that he was hers. She'd held other babies before, of course, but she'd never had that feeling before -- of belonging to someone, that feeling of fate. Ally asks if Elaine is going to be able to raise the child all by herself. Elaine brags that she made plenty of money off the Face Bra and that she's "quite comfortable" and can work part time. She says she's spent lots of time around kids before, but nothing in her life has prepared her for this. Nothing prepared her for how she feels.
Elaine begins to cry as she says that she is ready to raise this baby. Ally gives a sensitive LTR. Mr. BIOTC starts laying into her before the Kleenex is tossed, informing the court that not only has Elaine created a Face Bra, but she also created condoms with "little sayings" on them. "How many men have you slept with in the last year?" he asks. John and Ally give a simultaneous objection. Mr. BIOTC says that he's trying to establish Elaine's lifestyle and that there is a difference between a past and a past. Elaine looks stunned. The judge says, "Don't go there." I ignore that remark. Mr. BIOTC brings up an incident where "Mr. Cage got cappuccino foam on his nose" and that Elaine sucked it off his nose like she was performing fellatio. We see some sort of flashback to illustrate the example, but that didn't happen in the foam-nose episode. She says it was in fun. Mr. BIOTC asks Elaine what a "fluffer" is. More objections. Mr. BIOTC reminds that the welfare of a child is at stake. Elaine stammers until Mr. BIOTC states, "It's when one woman gets a man sexually revved up so he's able to perform with another woman." Elaine says it's something like that. He asks if Elaine has ever been Mr. Cage's fluffer. Objections from Ally. Elaine says that was one time when John was having problems with Nelle. Objections from Ally. "I didn't know that he planned to spank her." Objections. Mr. BIOTC asks that isn't it true that she flaunts her reputation as the office slut. "I do that in fun!" she says. "What a fun mom you'll make!" Mr. BIOTC says, and then asks if family members sued her for the Face Bra. Elaine says that the case was dismissed. Mr. BIOTC says that regardless, her own family members believed her to be dishonest.
Cut to John, Ally and Elaine sharing a silent moment in the elevator. Ally says that it's not over. Elaine wants to know who in the firm ratted her out to Mr. BIOTC and gave him all that dirt about her. Elaine storms into the building and over to Richard and asks what he told DSS when they showed up asking about her. Nelle and Richard look confused. She accuses Nelle and Richard, saying they'd trash her "for the sport." Nelle says she didn't talk to anyone, and Richard says he didn't say anything negative and he's sorry she feels that way about them. Ling walks in carrying Elliot. "It was Renee," says Billy. He says that when he went to talk to Georgia, DSS showed up to speak to Renee.
"Ahhh said, she would be a goood motha, thasss awll," Renee drawls, like she's been hitting too much Egg Nog. No, you can't make Renee "Sassy" just because that whole "Baby" thing didn't work out. Ally accuses her again. Renee says, "don't be accusin' me [sic]", and some other conversation goes on here about "facts" or something, but I can't stop staring at Renee's blouse, which looks like someone sewed together all of the Christmas placemats they could find and passed it off as some sort of peasant blouse. Ally goes down the list of what Mr. BIOTC had said and Renee leans in and babies, "Well, don't be lookin' at me [sic]." I have a feeling that LNC is purposefully drawling out these lines to prove to David E. Kelley that successful professionals probably don't talk this way. At least, that's the story I'm going with. Let me dream, okay?
"I told them," Georgia walks in and announces. Georgia says that she had to tell both the positives and the negatives, so she told the social worker what she knew. Ally crosses her arms and says, "Why?" "Ally! It's about a child. I'm not qualified to say who would be the best parent and neither are you." "Do you have any idea of the damage you've done?" Georgia insists that she was just trying to find the best place for the baby. Ally says that when a friend says something negative, it gets multiplied by ten. Georgia doesn't feel guilty. Ally didn't teach anyone anything. Renee orders a turkey leg from the Budweiser Wench.
Cue the "New Man" song I thought we'd escaped. Billy is holding Elliot and dancing with him. Billy says that the baby likes the music. Elliot gives a small smile. "May I try?" John asks. The music stops. John takes the baby and ushers in Barry White. This cues a dance with all three men tossing the baby back and forth. Sometimes it's a bundle of clothing, and sometimes it's a baby. They have a good time dancing to a song that only the three of them can hear while the baby looks at them like, "Thank God for Child Labor Laws that guarantee I only have do deal with you guys long enough to get my AFT/RA card." Either that or he's gonna hurl. Nelle walks in so that the music can stop, and says that the baby shouldn't be dancing because he just ate and he's going to get sick. There's this sound like a twenty-five-year-old man who just finished a six-pack of Busch that I know they don't think I'll believe came from the baby. Nelle says that John is wanted for closing statements because she wants to rule by the end of the episode. I mean, day. John hands the baby to Nelle, who bows her head ("Lower, Portia! They can't see the detail on the criss-crossed part! That's a good girl!").
Mr. BIOTC says that he's not out to "get" Elaine, but rather find the most suitable home for the baby. The decision to raise a child is enormous; it's not like when you find a lost kitten. She hasn't prepared for the baby for nine months. Her lifestyle is a factor. Her own family has called her integrity into question. She broke the law and showed a lack of morals by not turning the child in right when she found him. The "undeniable truth" is that they can do better for this child. Ally stands up and says that the "undeniable truth" is that Mr. BIOTC doesn't know Elaine, but she does. And if Ally had a child she had to give up, not only would she go to Elaine, she'd probably go to her first. Elaine lives to take care of others, even when they don't want it. She brings up the Face Bra and says that the case was thrown out because her cousin was lying. If DSS had any sort of integrity it wouldn't have brought that up at all. As for Elaine's reputation -- well, that all happened before Elaine was a mother, but she's a mother now. Ally says to look at Elliot for proof. He feels safe. He knows who his mother is. Ally goes on about the decisions the judge has to make and LTRs and LTLs and says that if Mr. BIOTC knew Elaine like she does, there wouldn't be an argument before the court. Ally sits down and everyone puts their hands in their mouths.
Vonda gets out "Hushabye, don't you cry" when my cat runs over to my balcony and dangles a bag of my Christmas presents over the edge. "Get her to shut up or so help me God, I'll drop all of these and put hairballs in your stocking!" I hit the mute button. Ally holds Elliot in the fifteenth Baby-Holding scene this episode. Billy walks in and asks if Ally is babysitting. She says that Elaine went to the bathroom. Billy asks to hold the baby a couple of times, but Ally won't let him. She asks what the thing is with babies. Is it because they are so innocent? Billy says that maybe they project their hopes and dreams on babies, and that's what makes them so special. Ally LTLs and LTRs and says that seven years ago she thought she'd be standing there with Billy with their own baby. I think the special power this baby has is to bring out long and clichéd monologues. The snow falls outside, to keep the moment. Ally brings up his bleached head. Billy brings up the fact that she's going to go parading on stage like she's "Eartha Kitt." Ally says she can be sexy. Billy starts to try to talk her out of it, and then changes his mind. The baby makes a noise. Billy asks what happened to them. Ally says she doesn't know. Close-up on the baby. Man, that kid is making a killing this episode. Fade to black.
Apparently Malcolm in the Middle is "finally" proving to us that not all families are normal and that "sometimes" the funniest families are the ones that aren't yours. Premieres right after The Simpsons.
"I can't believe she's singing," Billy says. "It's the new Ally," Renee says. "I'm bored," says Ling. I'll take door number three, Bob. So, Ally comes out wearing Elaine's old Santa's Naughty Mrs. Claus outfit. My boyfriend asks, "How come she looks so much like the Grinch?" Since I don't want to indulge the MALE FANTASY ALERT, let me just give the summary. Ally sluts down the stage, takes a cherry off a pie that's held out in front of her like she's living in a material world, removes the cherry off the toothpick with her mouth and spits it out on some guy's lap. She grinds on Richard's lap as he sticks his face in her boobs and then fingers her wattle. He slips a hundred-dollar bill between her nubbies, but she pulls it out and throws it back at him. Elaine sings along in the background while holding the baby. Someone did Ally's hair for this, and it finally looks like real hair. Richard comments that Ally is "good." Oh, and Ally constantly has this vacant stare on her face like she's totally 'luded up and doesn't notice the men around her. After smashing Richard in the face to push him away she says "If you jack off my...Christmas list." It was probably "check off," but Ally is singing in this baby-talk way that makes it hard to understand. She humps John for a while to show off her fishnets, but John looks embarrassed. She fondles Ling for a second so that the teenaged boys will stop writing in letters asking for FOX to re-run the "Hot Girl on Girl Action" episode. She goes over to Billy and fondles his head and then jams her fingers in his mouth. Billy! You know where those fingers have been? Oh yeah. In her mouth for the past year. Ew. Pruny. Billy is all turned on like he's never seen this side of her before, blah, blah, blah, slutcakes. Elaine gets a page and everyone runs to court. Ally tries to hide her dirty pillows in front of the judge, but it really doesn't matter. Elaine worries about why she had to bring Elliot.
The judge begins the decision by saying that she is worried about the kind of person that Elaine is because of the stories she's heard. But of course, in cases of character she looks to the people who know her, and if the petitioner lives up even slightly to the testimony of her lawyer and friend, then she has no doubt that Elaine will be a suitable temporary guardian. After several "Oh my God"'s they realize that they can go home. Instead they go back to the club. Suitable parent. Elaine is upstairs at the firm, however, because it was too loud for the baby. Ally and John celebrate with a toast as Billy dances with the Pretty Assistant and Ling dances with Margaret. Elaine is changing Elliot's diaper. She's wearing science goggles. Elliot streams his pee on her and she turns on the wipers on the goggles. She says she'll split the profits with him seventy/thirty. A large group of people enters the room. Elaine takes off the goggles. The girl in front says that her name is Lynn Hart and that is her son. Elaine touches the baby and starts panting.
Ally consoles Elaine and tries to keep her from fainting. John walks in and says that Lynn is a single mother who goes to Emerson and had some sort of post-partum depression thing and left the baby in the manger, but she stayed close by and watched Elaine pick up the baby. She's been parked outside of Elaine's apartment watching her take care of him. She was even at the court trial. John says that if Lynn moves back in with her parents and they assume guardianship with her then they can take the baby back. Ling busts in with a recent court case where the guardian got to keep the baby because the biological mother abandoned the child. Elaine wants to fight. Ling says they might not win. The entire firm offers to help, but John asks for a minute alone with Elaine and Ally. He says that the case Ling's cited does give them some support, but with the post-partum thing they will say she didn't intentionally give up the child. He says that it will be a long fight and that Elliot will be older when he has to leave if she loses. If she wins, one day she'll have to tell Elliot that she went to court to take him away from his biological mother. He says that he doesn't know if it's in Elliot's best interest to fight this case. "If it's more about your wants, then it's selfish." Ally says that if Lynn were a fit parent she wouldn't have dropped him in a manger. John says his sense is that they aren't dealing with bad people. He says that the firm will support whatever decision Elaine makes. She stands up and goes into the other room. She takes Elliot from Nelle and walks over to Lynn. "What's his name?" "Alan. Alan Matthew Hart." "How do I know you won't abandon him again?" Lynn says she didn't really abandon him this time, and when she saw Alan in Elaine's arms she thought that maybe he was better off, but she can't go living without her son. She's getting help with her "depression problems." She's just sorry for causing Elaine such hurt. The baby starts whimpering and for a few minutes that's the only sound. Elaine kisses the top of the baby's head and passes him over to Lynn. Lynn has tears. Elaine has tears as she says, "I love you." She leaves and goes back into the other room. Nelle has tears. John has tears. Close-up on Ally as she wipes a tear away. Billy has tears. The large group of people (including the police) gets in the elevator and leaves without a word. A group shot of everyone else standing in silence. Fade to black.
What? I can't make a joke about babies getting abandoned and fought over and taken away on Christmas! What kind of a person do you think I am? Happy Holidays.
And don't think I forgot about that bit about girls "letting themselves" get pregnant. You're just lucky I'm filled with the holiday spirit, David E. Kelley. Enjoy your coal.