Mad props to my boy Trejo who saved my ass this week when my VCR taped a full hour of Resident Evil Nemesis instead of Ally McBeal. Although he just happened to tape it, he wants us all to know that he never, ever watches the show.
Now, on to the good stuff. Because this was a tape someone was making for himself/his girlfriend, it is missing the first three seconds. So for the sake of argument, let's just say that Ling walked into Richard's office. At least, that's where this tape starts. Ling is wearing her hair in these flippy pigtails that I sometimes wear but get teased for. She has on red vinyl pants and high-heeled black shoes. Her unitard top screams "Off Off Broadway." She asks Richard if they could talk for a second when he gets an emergency call and has to go. She asks to talk again when an alarm goes off in the building and he prepares to evacuate. Ling doesn't get upset or nervous about bombs or fires because she already knows what's going on. She waits for Richard to get off the phone, picks up a conveniently placed megaphone and sets off the alarm again with "Can we talk?" She complains that every time she tries to have a conversation with him his escape traps set off -- the mother of which being the mere whisper of the word "marriage." Richard mutters and mumbles his way out of the office as Ling covers her ears, not so much because of the alarms, but rather because she knows Vonda is about to start crowing around about roads and souls.
Hey, how come Portia and Lucy are after Vonda on the opening credits? What's up with that?
We open with a large phallic symbol building as we pan over to the law office. Richard asks Billy when the meeting is. Billy says he won't be bringing Richard to any more meetings. "They like me," Richard insists. Richard gives Ally the season premiere recap because Reesa is out in the other room. Remember tramping around, Ally? Yeah? Well, she's suing you. The writers thought we wouldn't mind you sleeping around with soon-to-be-married men and then ruining a wedding, and now they are trying to make amends. Ling tries to talk to Richard again, but he says he's too busy so she dragon growls and walks off as Reesa approaches Ally. At first Ally sees Reesa in this wedding gown thing, but it's really just her "I'm a preppie" cardigan tied around her shoulders. Reesa is suing Ally for "intentional infliction of emotional distress." "Hello," Ally says to a passerby who ignores her.
We all ignore her as we go into the Unisex where Ally is going on about how this isn't possible. Billy reminds her that she did ruin Reesa's wedding. "I was there," Ling says, "You were vicious." Ally tries to get away with that "the minister said if anyone has any reason" crap that I didn't buy in the first episode. I mean, come on. If there's one place you shouldn't put yourself first, it's a wedding, and since Ally can only think of two things -- herself and the car wash sex -- she had to break the wedding up. My thought is then immediately echoed by Nelle who asks Ally if she broke up the wedding because it was about "the best sex of [her] life." Ally CGI's into a giant red steaming ball complete with steam engine whistle as she asks, "Excuse me?" Nelle says that John told her that and Ally interrupts her to shut her up as if she hadn't asked that rude "spanking" question in the last episode. Richard offers to be a witness. Ling pitches in as well, while leaning into Ally's ear and whispering, "Vicious." "Kiss her again!" come the screams of thousands of teenage boys. Ally is fellating her finger as John offers her advice, but no one is listening because they hear a flushing sound. Everyone turns around to see a girl walk out of the stall. Suddenly Georgia is standing there because she needs to be in this scene, but she wasn't here for any of the dialogue. Georgia stands to Billy so she can give her patented incredulous face as the new girl is introduced as Billy's assistant. Accent on the "ass." Her name is Sally, and ass -- sorry, as she pulls toilet paper off the heel of her shoe she laughs and says she'll have to get used to this whole unisex thing. She shouldn't worry, as they've all been in there for five minutes or so and she must have been in a Zen-like peeing state to urinate without a noise and without hearing the people chatting in the bathroom. She'll do just fine. We zoom into Georgia's "I'm gonna kill this new bitch" eyes and Sally's face morphs into Billy asking "What?"
They are now in Billy's office, and Georgia is as furious as her back-seat personality will allow. Georgia asks if she's even nineteen yet. Billy insists that Sally was the best candidate for the job and that certainly she shouldn't be "penalized for being attractive." Ooh, "penalized." That's almost "penis." Workin' it in, David. Workin' it in. Good job. Georgia tries to put her pussy foot down as she declares that Sally will not be working for her. She reminds all of us that she is Billy's wife. Billy says that they aren't at home -- they are at the office. She says that home "will be hell" for him. Billy tells her that he'll just spend more time at the office. Woof. Georgia drops open her mouth so she can do that neck swivel thing that she does whenever she's had just about enough of something. This is usually followed by her storming out of the room but this time Billy get the last word by asking, "You gonna hit me again?" Instead of just hitting him, Georgia narrows her eyes and gives him a good squinting. Ow.
Back at Pigs R Us, the group is restating why they are all at the group. "To develop a greater sensitivity to women, their needs --" Billy starts ranting in a Fish echo telling the group that they feel like they are failing at their relationships because the women are letting them feel that way. He insists that women are in a relationship for the communication and that men are in it for the sex, and that if women aren't constantly trying to improve the sex in the relationship then they are letting their side of the bargain down. The pigs all start nodding and grunting, because that's all they do. They seem to agree with both sides of the coin here, so I think maybe this is really a co-dependency group. The group leader is getting upset as Billy stands even higher on his soapbox to conclude that the women that they've had the best relationships with were the ones they treated the worst. Women like men to treat them like property. "We need to take back our lives!" Norma Rae shouts out as the group leader puts up the two-handed "calm down, mister" signal. "My wife's a total bitch," Pig Number Three shouts out. "They don't like being dominated -- well why the hell should we?" Billy shouts like he's Rocky friggin' Balboa. "Adrian! Make me a turkey sandwich!" Billy gets the crowd stomping and hooting and -- for some reason -- clapping in a beat that is echoed by an organ starting up like it's the top of the ninth inning. Billy high-fives everyone in a circle as they keep shouting and cheering until the circle jerk comes to a climax.
Reesa is rehashing episode one yet again, this time for Renee and Whipper's benefits. They seem to be rather ashamed of Ally's behavior, but I thought Renee knew all of that stuff that went down. Anyway, Ally tries to butt in but they tell her to shut up as Reesa says that her therapist told her she might never get over it. Renee pulls on her shirt a few times so that we remember she has cleavage. Renee offers that Ally was just looking out for Reesa's best interests. Reesa says she isn't so sure anymore. "Reesa!" Ally shouts. "Ally!" Renee and Whipper shout back. Ally sucks her lips into her mouth so that her mouth is completely full and she can't say anything else. Okay, so Reesa recaps for us that Ally slept with him, told the entire audience into the minister's microphone that she slept with him, and then waited until they made up to break it up again by telling Reesa that Joel was the best lover she ever had. But we all read Gwen's recap, didn't we? So we don't need to hear all of this again. The Whipper wipes her nose in grief and for a second I'm worried it will fall off from all the plastic surgery. It doesn't and Ally gives her a mean LTR. Reesa says she wishes she had gone through with the wedding. It's okay that he had a last fling because (remember) she had one too. But she just couldn't go through with it after the things that Ally had just said to her. Whipper gives a big ol' honkin' of her nose as Ally and Renee give her a vicious LTR and shout "Whipper!"
Richard and John are watching Sally at her desk from the second floor. Richard holds binoculars to get a closer look at Sally's cleavage, but it really isn't necessary. Richard says that she'd be good to spank as John starts Porky Pigging out. Richard mentions that Sally will have to sign a sexual harassment waiver. Ling interrupts to talk to Richard. He picks up his coffee cup and starts taking a drink. He asks if she can state it quickly. She says, "I guess. I've been faking my orgasms." Richard does the Spit Take to End All Spit Takes and shoots so much coffee onto John's face that it re-foams on his nose and looks like someone delicately poured a cappuccino onto his face. "Bygones." That word worked, too, because as John watches them walk away the foam is gone. Close up on John as the wacky oboe kicks in. Oh, the foam is back. My bad. Oh, it's gone. That's because John is now looking through the binoculars at Sally's cleavage.
"How could you be faking it?" Richard asks Ling. She tells him not to take it personally, and that she only fakes them so he will roll off and she can get some sleep. I just want to state here that this is obviously a male fantasy script. He asks if she's sexually satisfied. She says she is very satisfied sexually; it's just that he's not always there at the time. "So, you, uh?" "Sometimes." As if he wouldn't know if she did that. How could that be a big secret? We all do that. We all do it. All of us. You can't always be there and sometimes when you are it's terribly inconvenient and we'd rather spent quality time alone. Okay? Not earth-shattering news. But enough about me. We're talking about what David E. Kelley wants in a woman. Ling asks Richard to stop taking Viagra. "First of all, you don't need it. And second, I think it desensitizes you. Where you might be happy to go all night, but for me, after ten minutes, it gets old." Okay, first of all, if you are taking Viagra and you don't need it, then there's a problem. Second, if you are taking Viagra because you can't go longer than ten minutes, then there's a problem. Third, if you are taking Viagra just for kicks and grins, then there's a problem. Fourth, if a woman tells you she doesn't want to have sex for more than ten minutes, then she's a liar and is still thinking about humping Ally. He asks again why she fakes it. Ling says that they both know that their sex is all about his climax (Fifth problem) and that since they live in New England he should be a "Minuteman" again. "It's colonial!" There's a slogan for you. She gives him a chaste kiss on the forehead and says she'll take care of herself as the forlorn impotent oboe takes us to a commercial break.
I think the Dentyne Ice Car Wash commercial was so on purpose.
Oh, and that Sprint Wireless Internet guy was yelling outside my window for me to come out and play. I asked if I could get Mighty Big TV on my cell phone. He looked confused. I locked the front door. I'm not going anywhere.
Ally is still telling Whipper and Renee that she was doing the right thing by stopping the wedding. She doesn't want to give Reesa any money (they're talking seven figures) or settle out of court. Renee babies that maybe if they can show that the marriage wouldn't work, they could win the case. Oh, but Renee doesn't baby too hard because she's only around women, and Renee only plays that cute-little-girl routine when a man is in the room. Ally plays her mouth organ with her fingers as we go to Ling trying to talk to Richard. She tries several pet names before she trips him onto his face so we can see 3.5 seconds of Elaine before Richard bolts for a meeting. Meanwhile, Sally is getting Billy to initial some papers. Gosh, that sounds so high school. See Sally sit. Sit, Sally, sit. See Billy stare at Sally's boobies. Stare, Billy, stare. Georgia does her contracted walk-in-on-a-compromising-position-and-act-all-huffy-and-arm-foldy thing. She asks for a minute alone with Billy. Sally leaves, oblivious to the fact that her breasts are all sweaty from Billy's breathing down them for the past ten minutes. As Sally leaves, Georgia pastes on her best Stepford Wife smile to ask if he had a good meeting with the men this morning. Don't these two ever talk at home? Georgia sits down to say that she can see he's going through some things and that they should work on whatever they are. "What's going on, Georgia," Billy says with his pouty-face, "...I'm really angry at myself." Georgia thinks this is promising. Billy thinks that he's let himself become the modern idea of a sophisticated man. He's been denying that he is old-fashioned. "I want children. I don't believe in nannies raising kids. I think the mother should be at home. And, uh, I know this sounds terrible, but I want my needs to come first." He says he wants his home to be his castle and he's sick of denying it and sick of playing the sensitive male. He's just sick. Georgia remains stone-faced throughout, instead of flipping over the desk like I wish she would. Another male fantasy is perfectly executed on Ally McBeal.
Ally walks up to Car Wash Guy, who will forever be to me Iron Eagle since I haven't seen Jason Gedrick since. Ally wears another outfit from Vera Wang's Creamsicle collection. Joel stops cleaning a car's tires with a rag and stands up to hear what Ally has to say. She actually says, "I was in the neighborhood, so how's it going?" Joel starts laying into her about how she ruined his life and his true love is gone, blah, blah, you didn't scar from the hot wax cycle did you? fishcakes. Ally starts trying to pull out that "I was her bridesmaid and her lawyer" garbage but Iron Eagle is putting the smack down, yo. He tells her that even if she felt she had a duty she didn't have to speak in front of everyone. I start rolling my eyes as Ally goes on about the friggin' minister again and I start thinking about how if I ever have a wedding I'm going to make sure the minister never asks that "speak now" question so that no one can say they were just doing what they were told. Not that anyone outside of this DEK world would ever believe this as an excuse anyway. Well, to be honest, the only reason that Ally brought the "speak now" part up again was that so she could accidentally say "penis" instead of "peace."
Hey, Dave, I knew you could put "penis" in another episode. Go, David! Go, David! It's your penis! Go, David! Hey Dave, I have a request. Since this season is the "penis" season, can season be the "scrotum" season? People don't say "scrotum" enough on network television, and I think it would really help in the spring sweeps. I mean, it's not like I'm asking you to say, "vulva" or anything. You could probably get away with more boy parts. Ooh, here's one. time, can Ally say something like, "I don't know, what's vas deferens? The difference! I mean, the difference!" Let me know. Thanks. Iron Eagle asks if Ally came back for a wax. Ally swipes his rag as she teeth-shouts, "Look, don't flatter yourself, you weren't that good." If that's true I wish she'd SHUT UP. But he knows she's a little tiny liar because Reesa told him what Ally told her at the wedding. Remember? Does everybody remember the first episode? Let's just show it now, shall we? Anyway, Ally starts stammering around about why she told Reesa that and then she starts rubbing the car with the cloth she took from Iron Eagle. If I were Iron Eagle I probably would have stopped her at this point and shouted, "Do you mind not wiping the Mercedes with the tire rag? I just spent fifteen minutes cleaning this thing." But he's interested in what Ally has to say because of some supposed "chemistry" we're supposed to buy into and she tells him that Reesa said he touched her like he didn't know what he was doing. He's amazed at this statement and has to repeat it. Ally tells him to "get over it," so I guess she was reading her messages from the world and figured they were for somebody else. Iron Eagle won't get over it because of the woman he loved, yada, yada, yada. He asks why Ally is there again and she keeps rubbing the car as she stammers out that she was wondering if he would have testified that the marriage would have...been...a...bad...thing...baby voice...cutesy look...rub the car...cue the wacky oboe.
John tells Richard not to worry as they lie on the ground just like those kids do on Sesame Street when they make the letter "I." They discuss whether Ling would leave Richard just because she wasn't getting any orgasms. John tells him not to worry about it, and that he shouldn't be so concerned about Ling's orgasms. Richard asks if Nelle always has an orgasm and John says he isn't sure. She makes little "ooh, ooh" noises and once she screamed, but it was because a bee had stung her. John decides that Nelle probably isn't into orgasms anyway because she likes control. Ling, of course, is standing in the doorway with her hands on her hips sorry that she ever brought it up. Cue sound of piano crashing as Richard and John sit upright. Ling says that they are being pathetic because they are sitting there debating about "five seconds." Five seconds is how long "the big 'o' lasts, sometimes six." And she can't believe they are spending so much time and energy on five seconds and some muscle groups. She says she's sorry she hurt Richard's feelings, but that's why she wants him to go off the Viagra so they can start being a normal couple again and "do it during the commercial breaks." She flounces off. MEN: THIS IS DAVID E. KELLEY'S FANTASY WORLD. DO NOT TAKE ANY OF THIS ADVICE. WOMEN WANT SEX. WE WANT LOTS OF SEX. If you grab me during an episode of Law & Order and expect me to be done before Chris Noth grabs a "perp," then you are sorely mistaken, mister. I've never met Mr. Kelley, but I assume that he's like that guy in high school who always brought his lunch in a greasy paper bag and was like, "Oh, yeah, I know lots of girls. I got them all figured out. They totally want you to ignore them, and when they do come on to you, it's best to sleep with their best friend so that they can get all jealous. They like fighting over men. Oh, and they really like it when you twist their nipples really hard and see how far you can put your tongue down their throats. Take it from me, man. I got them bitches figured out."
Back in Whipper and Renee's non-descript office, Ally now realizes that perhaps Iron Eagle isn't a womanizer. She concludes that he must have been a normal man who just had to have her. Whipper and Renee have some sort of look that Ally sees. Renee figures out that he probably won't testify. Ally then says that maybe Iron Eagle isn't even that great a lover, but rather that it was something between them that just sort of made him "keep it up." (Ooh, an erection reference. Give it up to my man Dave! How does he keep doing that?) Whipper and Renee share another glance that Ally sees. Renee comes up with the scathingly brilliant idea to get Reesa and Iron Eagle back together. Whipper whips around so fast that part of her cheek slides into her hair and her eyelid catches on her nostril. Renee figures out that if she gets them back together then Reesa might drop the case. Whipper. Drop the surgeon's knife. I'm serious. Look at yourself. You're scaring me.
Georgia is doing the lonely-woman-at-the-bar thing while the lonely-woman-at-the-bar piano music plays in the background. to her is a man I know mostly as Billy Flynn in the revival of the Broadway musical Chicago. According to IMDB he was also in the television show Planet of the Apes, but I'd rather think of him as Billy Flynn. "All he cares about is love," you know. Georgia notices that Billy Flynn is paying a check without touching any of his martinis. He explains that he used to be a drinker but now he just orders the drinks to make himself feel like he's winding down after work without being dependent on drinking. He says that if you trick yourself into thinking you're relaxed you can sort of be relaxed. It's an imagined relaxation. He says it's similar to when you take your wedding ring off to go out at night. You're still married, but it's easier to imagine that you aren't. He leaves as the "busted" oboe plays and we see Georgia's ringless hand.
Richard busts in on Whipper "looking for Ally," and sort of just sits down. Whipper asks, "How's Thing?" "Ling, she's fine." Richard stammers some sort of legal question and then asks if she reached orgasm when they were together. Whipper wants an explanation. He tells her that "Thing has been faking them." "Aw, and you're crushed." Richard says he's less of a man. Whipper tells him that he has nothing to worry about. "You could put me into orbit just by diddling my wattle." I know this is like an old Ally joke or something, but, man, is that a disconcerting expression. Richard says he's good with necks. He says it was good to see her as he leaves and Whipper thinks about not doing any more surgery on her face and then changes her mind.
Back at the Car Wash of Love, Ally gives Iron Eagle the address of the firm so he can try and work things out with Reesa that evening. She stammers around as she's leaving to ask him, "Assuming that you do love her...how could you...you know...with me?" He says she's the only other woman he's been with in the past six years, and he had no intention and he can't explain it. He saw her looking at him and he...we hear "Lady Marmalade" as he asks if she normally has sex with strangers. She says no. He tells her that it was the first time he made love without feeling inhibited. "Sex," Ally corrects him. He says that what happened in the car wash never happened before and will never happen again. Ally says that's good and she'll see him at eight. She gets all close to his face and then sucks in her lips so she can't kiss him goodbye. Trollop. Iron Eagle gets a stiffy.
"There's a new man in town," sings the song, and it's not to the tune of "Alice." We see a sign that says "ye olde brush and comb hairstyling." Oh, dear Lord, Billy's gone and bleached his hair mid-life-crisis blonde. He's walking around like a Clairol commercial as some extras get paid to stare at him as he rubs his head and smiles like a J. Crew ad. ["Ha! Pamie, it's funny that you mention J. Crew, because when I lived in Los Angeles, I once stood behind an unshaven, very short Gil 'Billy' Bellows in a J. Crew store. I swear. I was buying Glark a plush bathrobe." -- Wing Chun] He walks in the office so Georgia can scream loud enough for the record to scratch off. She tells him she doesn't like it and that he looks like Billy Idol. I think he looks like Billy Corgan. "I'm just plain Billy," he corrects us both. The song begins again until Georgia follows him into his office to tell him he's clearly losing his mind. He says he's tired of being a "wussified piece of wet toast woman's guy." He bangs his fists together to start up the song again. "There's a new man in town," Billy tells us. "There's a new man in town," the song echoes until Billy slams the door shut leaving Georgia alone in Billy's office. "I hate the new man," she pouts. Quick! Georgia! Go through his stuff! Drain his bank account! Put Nair in his shampoo! Oh, I forgot. You're Georgia. You'll just go home and make him some meatloaf and hope that he'll notice you're wearing your new dress tonight.
In the Unisex, Ling is wearing a Rorschach test as Nelle asks why she's making such a big deal out of all of this. "I can't take it anymore. Nobody asks the women if they like Viagra. Why do you think Elizabeth Dole was running for President? Anything to get out of the house." THIS IS A MALE FANTASY WORLD. Oh, and, uh, not funny. Nelle says you shouldn't tell a man he's bad in bed. She should try and tell him what to do that's right. Ling says she doesn't want him to do anything. She likes sex for about ten minutes, but then she wants to watch television. MALE FANTASY. Nelle suggests she keeps faking it, but Ling hates ending her day on a lie and is getting a little polyp on her throat. The doctor doesn't want her to scream. "I could go 'ooh, ooh,' like you," she starts. Nelle is starting to hang her jaw as she asks what Ling is talking about. She says that John told Richard that's the sound she makes and that on a hot summer night she'd be drowned out by a loud cricket. Nelle leaves the Unisex a-fuming. "Great," Ling says to the mirror, "this is why I'm against honesty." Then perhaps she could continue faking? Cue wacky oboe.
Iron Eagle shows up for the meeting a predictable half-hour early, stammering that he didn't know how long it would take to get there. Ally invites him into the office. She keeps sticking some sort of pencil with a giant eraser in her mouth as Iron Eagle says he didn't figure her for a lawyer. He figured that she'd do "something with soul to it." This gets Ally all huffy and says that she didn't go to law school because Daddy made her, but rather because her boyfriend did. Nice one. Iron Eagle deduces that she must not be with her boyfriend anymore. "We work together," Ally adds for no one's benefit. "How did you know?" she asks. "Well, you made love like you're not with anyone. Like, uh, like you hadn't made love in five years, or a hundred." Ally tells him she gets plenty and that he made love the same way. He says that he knows he did, but he already told her why. "Tell me again," she says as "Lady Marmalade" kicks in again. Oh, yeah, Reesa. They talk about her for a second or so before "Lady Marmalade" starts playing again, and Iron Eagle says he can't be in the room alone with her. He asks if she's sending a signal. She says no, sorta. She goes to show him the lobby but slams the door so they can start making out to "Lady Marmalade." There is much kissing and pulling of the clothing as we flash back to the car wash sex several times. Quick flashes of clothing and groping and sitting and leaning as we fade to black.
Dear Johnny Depp. I've waited quite some time now and I'm concerned that you really aren't ever going to fall in love with me. Could you send me a status? Thanks. Love (I mean it), Pamie
Ally replaces a lamp as Iron Eagle asks why they keep having sex. He says that they've made love twice and this is the first time he's said her name. Whipper walks in so Ally can scream and spin around a lot. Whipper asks if Iron Eagle took the stairs because he looks flushed. He says he's a little nervous. Whipper says it's a good look and that her ex-husband used to get that look after sex. Ally screams and coughs and coughs and coughs and explains that she swallowed the wrong thing, a LifeSaver, she went down on the wrong thing, the LifeSaver went down wrong, the windpipe, I'm funny, quirky and cute. Ha. Renee and Reesa show up as Ally says, "Let's get it on! The meeting, the meeting, start the meeting." When Renee asks why Ally is acting like a big freakazoid again she says that reuniting two lovers makes her giddy. Insert crazy girl giggle here.
Richard and John find Ling and Nelle dancing to Vonda. They cut in, but Nelle walks off. John dances solo for a second and then saunters over to Nelle to ask what's wrong. She says she doesn't want to watch him dance in case she gets aroused and shouts, "ooh, ooh" without a cricket to drown her out. She offers to tell him how he sounds. Richard asks to hear until Ling pulls him away. Nelle doesn't want John to have Richard as a best friend and certainly doesn't want him spilling secrets about their intimacy. She says she needs some space tonight as she walks off. She bumps into Billy, does the turn-around-double-take, and walks off. She asks Ling to come with her. Ling leaves, despite Richard calling her "Krispy Kreme." Meanwhile, Billy is consoling John and telling him that women talk but they don't want men to talk. He says it's a good sign that Nelle is dictating his life because it means she likes him. "Does your wife do that?" "Oh, boy." "Would she object to you saying that?" "Probably; she objects to everything." "Well, that would explain her current expression." What is it with this woman walking into every conversation? She must be part Stealth Bomber. John runs off to find Richard as Georgia sits down with an exhale. "You want me to leave you," she declares. She tells him that once he goes to therapy he's going to go through all of these cycles to realize that he was doing all of this to get her to leave him. "Georgia, that's ridiculous," Billy says with his new earring, "I love you." "Yeah," she says, and walks off. Billy's hair is too vibrant to convey any emotional distress.
Reesa is making it difficult for Iron Eagle to get back with her. Distrust, honesty, blah, blah. Renee says that Reesa's fling was meaningless. Iron Eagle says his was, too. He points at Ally and says, "I don't even know her." Why is she in the room? Ugh. Ally looks indignant at his last comment but doesn't say anything -- yet. He says it was great sex but that's all it was and Ally opens her big lollypop head to say, "Oh, come on!" and then they shut her up. Reesa proves that she should never be a lawyer by popping out the Fifth Grade Handbook's Great Retort: "Why don't you marry her?" Ha. Iron Eagle's rubber and Reesa's glue, too. Iron Eagle says that Ally isn't the mother of his kids. Cut to quick scene of Ally popping out kids all over the hospital until one strikes his head on a lamp. Reesa says that the man she had her fling with didn't even have a face. "Did she have a face?" she asks him. We all look at Ally's enormous exaggerated face as he says, "I won't lie, Reesa, she had a face, and the truth is, the truth is before you got here tonight..." Ally begins screaming and yipping like a banshee and says "windpipe" and then asks to speak to Joel alone. Whipper and Renee are like, "No," and Reesa's incompetent lawyer looks like he's at a taping of the Jerry Springer Show. Ally says what's a few minutes when they are going to have a lifetime together and sweeps Iron Eagle out of the room. She asks what he's doing. He thinks he should be honest. She says he should trust her as a woman, and that if Reesa hears it happened again, then it's going to be over. He says she's right and heads inside. She stops him to ask if he's sure that he and Ally wouldn't work out, because they are really compatible and everything. Stress on "compatible," but he says that they wouldn't work out because he's blue collar and didn't go to college. Excuse me, but isn't Reesa rich? In any event, they decide to go back in but Ally demands one last kiss. She keeps kissing him as "Lady Marmalade" starts blaring but Iron Eagle pulls away as Ally starts yelling at herself like a Tourette's patient to "stop it!" Richard walks in and catches a glance at Whipper. They smile for a second as the cheater's oboe starts playing.
Georgia goes back to the Lonely Hearts Club to sit with Billy Flynn. He's there, of course, in the same seat, working on his third martini. She offers to buy him another to keep him sitting there. He asks why she's there on a Friday night and she says it's probably for the same reason he's there: "Came to sit to something I know I can't have." Like he knew that she'd show up again. Oh, maybe she was referring to his alcohol. Doesn't matter, she flashes her ring at him to show she's not trying anything. But we all know that Billy Flynn doesn't care about expensive things, cashmere coats, diamond rings. Sorry. I love that musical. She introduces herself as Georgia. He says that's a beautiful name and that his is George. He says that he's old enough to be her father, so he's not going to try anything either. They try to find a topic of conversation, but Georgia just wants to dance. George obliges.
Renee, Whipper and Ally are saying their goodbyes to the happy couple. Reesa's lawyer looks disappointed that he didn't get to see a catfight and his popcorn got cold. "Goodbye, Ally; hope to never see you again," Reesa says. Ally gives Iron Eagle a "do me" look as she says, "Bye," and "Lady Marmalade" plays AGAIN as Ally makes a noise and face like someone sprayed a can of seltzer inside her head. He gives her a "do me" face as the doors close. Meanwhile, the Whipper is walking into Richard's office to talk. "You didn't come to my office this morning looking for Ally, did you?" the prosecution opens. They say they miss each other. Richard says that he feels inadequate around Ling but he adores her. Whipper says that Ling doesn't know what she's talking about, and that she doesn't know how to treat him. She asks where Ling is now and Richard says that she's out with Nelle because Nelle is upset about something. Whipper says he's upset about something as well, so why isn't Ling with him? She breaks the tension by saying they settled Ally's case. She invites him to the bar to celebrate. I want him to say, "I just got back," but instead he stands up and says, "You're a great lady, Whipper. I'm sorry I never said that enough." Her face starts to ooze, so she asks if he ever misses her wattle. She leans back her head and offers her neck up for him to fondle. He groans when he sees "there's even more creases than before." She eggs him on to do the Whipper Wattle Wiggle despite his trying to be a good boy. "Go to my wattle." She says he'd be a bad boy if he did it and then for a second it looks like she's wearing wax lips as she says, "Bad boy" again, and he touches her neck and she groans as if coming to an orgasm. Speaking of groaning, Vonda is singing as Ally has parked her car in front of the car wash so we can flash back to Car Wash Sex, Georgia dancing with Daddy, Whipper getting the Wattle Wiggle, car sex, dancing, wattles, and finally a veiny-foreheaded Ally as the rain covers her windshield and the episode comes to a close. So, what have we learned? Well, what women really want is to have five-minute sex sessions with someone who's engaged, married, or old enough to be their daddies. Romance? Puh. Just make sure you don't talk with your buddies about our sex lives because although we do it, you sure can't get away with it. Thank you, Dave, for letting me hear the word "penis" again, and for showing me how shallow and meaningless being a female truly is. Whenever you need me to go down on you, just let me know.