By Gwen
So this episode starts off with Ally being introduced to a table full of Italian stereotypes. Oh, wait...that's not Ally McBeal. It's Jennifer Love Hewitt. Sorry.
Okay. This episode actually starts with a super-duper close-up of Ally's facial spasms. Then we hear her stuttering. Then she's talking about her hallucinations of the Reverend Al Green. The camera pulls back to reveal that she's talking to Rose from The Golden Girls. A strobe light and thunder clap accompany Ally's flashbacks to other episodes in which Al Green has appeared to her. I'm glad I missed most of those. Poor Al Green. Ally goes on to say that Al Green is singing her life with his words. Sadly, though, he's refrained from killing her softly with his songs. Then she pokes at her mouth with a letter opener. Then she closes her eyes and starts singing. Rose is smiling condescendingly at her the whole time. Oh, but then Rose turns into Al Green, the letter opener turns into a microphone, and blah blah blah. Ally says she's fallen in love with him. Rose calls him "Alan," indicating to the viewers that she's an old bat who doesn't know her ass from Al Green on the ground. That's why we're supposed to roll our eyes when Rose suddenly says, "What I'd like to do is put you on Prozac." We all know that hallucinations are the main symptom of depression and not, say, paranoid schizophrenia, right? "What?" says an astounded Ally. The look on her face clearly conveys her belief that just because her hair is unwashed most of the time, that doesn't mean she's depressed. She doesn't want the Prozac. Rose says that there's no stigma to it -- Rose herself is on it! Ally points out that it's a "mind-altering drug." Rose tells her that she's been a therapist since before Ally was born and that Ally won't find happiness through love or God: it comes in a pill. There can even be joy in the taking. Rose's comes in suppository form. It gives her "a little wriggle." Ally is totally grossed out. ["Ally is not alone there." -- Wing Chun] Cut to opening credits. Ha, HA! I can already tell that this episode is going to be utterly hilarious. If there's anything that's funny, and yet TIMELY, it's a reference to Prozac. Heh, heh, heh. Those high-falutin' doctors and all their new-fangled ideas. What these sad sacks need is a swift kick in the behind. David E. Kelley knows it, and I know it. Hoo boy. I love this episode already.
Stephanie Seymour wants me to know that desire is wanting larger breasts so badly that you will wear a bra that hurts. Thanks, Steph.
Here we are at a meeting. Richard's telling everybody about some boy named Kirby who's being sued for sexual assault. He kissed a girl without her consent. Elaine rubs her breasts against Richard's arm while serving him coffee. Richard tries to assign the case to Billy, who has a personal appointment which is apparently a surprise to Georgia. John and Nelle get the case instead, which means that we get to hear them discuss the spanking incident later in the hour. Ally is sitting at the table with her hair all greasy and uncombed, staring into space with her fingers on her mouth. Georgia casually asks Billy about his meeting, and he says rather rudely, with a bitchy look on his face, "It's just a meeting. Does everybody have to know my schedule?" At this point Georgia should have said, "Excuse me for living. I guess I won't be taking your bitchy ass out to lunch today. WHATever." But instead, she does her big open-mouthed passive-aggressive smile and says, "Oh! How 'bout your wife?" Then Billy gives her the smarmiest look possible for someone so lacking in personality and says, "Potential new client." Then he just leaves Georgia there with her perpetual smile. Oh, but Elaine's right there eavesdropping, of course. She tells Georgia, "I agree with you. He's lying." Oh, no smile for Elaine. An annoyed Georgia peels out, leaving Elaine alone with her "Woo hoo, here's some good gossip" smirk. That Elaine! She's such a character!
Here we are at a meeting. Richard's telling everybody about some boy named Kirby who's being sued for sexual assault. He kissed a girl without her consent. Elaine rubs her breasts against Richard's arm while serving him coffee. Richard tries to assign the case to Billy, who has a personal appointment which is apparently a surprise to Georgia. John and Nelle get the case instead, which means that we get to hear them discuss the spanking incident later in the hour. Ally is sitting at the table with her hair all greasy and uncombed, staring into space with her fingers on her mouth. Georgia casually asks Billy about his meeting, and he says rather rudely, with a bitchy look on his face, "It's just a meeting. Does everybody have to know my schedule?" At this point Georgia should have said, "Excuse me for living. I guess I won't be taking your bitchy ass out to lunch today. WHATever." But instead, she does her big open-mouthed passive-aggressive smile and says, "Oh! How 'bout your wife?" Then Billy gives her the smarmiest look possible for someone so lacking in personality and says, "Potential new client." Then he just leaves Georgia there with her perpetual smile. Oh, but Elaine's right there eavesdropping, of course. She tells Georgia, "I agree with you. He's lying." Oh, no smile for Elaine. An annoyed Georgia peels out, leaving Elaine alone with her "Woo hoo, here's some good gossip" smirk. That Elaine! She's such a character!
Ally's at her desk looking pathetic. The donut box in front of her says Al's Donuts and has a picture of what I guess is supposed to be Al Green. Ally runs to confer with John. After a round of stammering and fish-faces, Ally leads John to a huge potted plant and tells him that Dr. Rose wants to put her on an antidepressant. I'm confused. Is Rose a doctor, or a therapist? If she's a doctor, why is she subbing for Tracy the Therapist? Could it be that in McBeal Land, therapists are required to have Ph.D.s? John is unfazed by this. He says "it's about time" for Ally to be on medication. Ally is indignant. Richard shows up in the potted plant and Ally asks him if he knows anyone happier than she is. Richard says that he used to know one person, but then that person jumped off a bridge. Ha. Ally asks his opinion on mood-altering drugs. He says money creates lasting happiness and that Viagra is good for a temporary pick-me-up. (Get it? Viagra -- pick-me-up? Heh, heh.) Then he and John start talking about the various name-brand drugs they take while a disgusted Ally stalks away from the plant. Oh, and she sees Al Green in someone's screensaver. Whatever.
we're seeing some sort of twelve-step meeting and some guy's sniffling about something starting to destroy his family and his life. His all-male audience makes sympathetic noises. Then it's time for the other new guy to get up and spill his guts. It's Billy. Surprise! Billy thanks the moderator for inviting him, says "this" has affected him as well, and mentions a terrible fight with a colleague and "issues" with his wife. The moderator interrupts to ask Billy to introduce himself and then "say it." Billy milks the pause for all it's worth before revealing that he's at a meeting for male chauvinist pigs. I don't blame him. This is probably the biggest storyline he'll get before he's kicked off the show. All the other chauvinist pigs give Billy props and he smirks like a dog who just found another dog's feces.
At the meeting with Kirby the alleged sexual assaulter, Kirby's dad is carping about political correctness gone too far. Kirby looks just like one of those nerd-guys in the comic books who ends up turning into a super-hero. It turns out that Kirby thought he would be Smoove B and walk up to a popular girl and kiss her. He thought they had shared "a look" and that his advances wouldn't be unwelcome. Why not? If Ally can share "looks" with attractive strangers, why not this guy? Then Kirby's mom decides to totally humiliate her son and try to blame popular culture and the same time by saying that he "devours" romance novels. She busts out the paperback Kirby had been reading the night before the illegal kiss. It's called Love's Dare. Nelle feels that Kirby hasn't been dissed hard enough, so she opens to his bookmarked page and reads aloud some paragraph about strangers meeting and kissing, blah, blah. John is all falling off his chair in his interest. Then Nelle tries to play off her utter lack of tact by implying that she reads romances all the time. Kirby relates that the girl of his Harlequin dreams slapped him and told the principal, who sentenced him to expulsion. Nelle says she and John will talk to the principal. Sad oboe for Kirby's sad shame. John gives Kirby the "here I am, looking at my younger self" look.
Ally's telling Rose that she doesn't need drugs because she's had a breakthrough on her own. She's babbling about pain being a part of love and the emotional security of screwing guys in car washes and kissing same-sex coworkers. Rose is saying "Whatever!" in her mind really loudly. Oh, and Ally says the word "penis." Rose says, "If I could give you just a tad of Zoloft..." I guess that after hearing the car wash story, she's decided that Ally needs a seratonin reuptake inhibitor and not an MAO inhibitor. But Ally refuses. Rose sums up the facts she's learned about Ally's sex life and then says, "Is there anything I can say to make you believe you're not vulgar? Let's have some Thorazine..." Ally gets up to leave. Rose offers to mix it with a little Lithium. Whoa! She has a little coin-changer's belt that's filled with prescription bottles instead! Ally leaves. Rose sighs and says, "Try and [sic] help these little tramps..." and then she pops the pill she tried to hand to Ally. Ah HA! Oh HO! So THAT'S the wacky old harridan's problem! She's jealous of sexy Ally! I tell you, you can't trust doctors these days. They're nothing but a bunch of charlatans trying to pump you full of chemicals so they can turn you to a zombie while they suck up the HMO payments. They'd rather just hand you a packet of pills and drive off in their Rolls Royces to the golf course than take the time to cure your depression. Why can't they sit down for a minute and read you passages from Chicken Soup for the Single Lawyer's Soul? Because they're greedy quacks, that's why! I'm glad David E. Kelley has the nerve to poke fun at these disgraces to the medical community with all their psychobabble. Ha! Hormone imbalance, my ass! Anyone could see that all Ally McBeal needs is the right man. That'll put a stop to her three seasons of bitching and moaning. Yes, indeedy.
While nibbling on a handful of birdseed or something, Ally looks to Renee for sympathy. Renee instead points out all her recent erratic behavior and hallucinations. Ally tries to rationalize and then hallucinates poor Mr. Green in a gold shantung suit. Ally tells Renee that she likes the magical hallucinations because they nourish her spiritually and emotionally. I guess they also give her an excuse for the involuntary gasping and facial spasming she's always doing, too. Renee says that she isn't "a fan of treating the brain with chemicals," but that Ally needs to "address" it because hallucinating at home and work could "bring it dowwwnnn." Okay, Renee, thanks for the advice. She should have just said, "I wouldn't take the drugs, myself, but I wish you would because you're starting to get on my nerves big-time." Ally asserts that she likes being deluded. Instead of "Oh, shut up," Renee says blah, blah, blah. Time for a commercial, finally.
One-A-Day wants me to take their asthma medication so I can ride roller coasters. You see? You see what I'm talking about?!? These damned drug companies are trying to take over the world! Forget this crap. I'm gonna treat my toenail fungus with heliotrope extract and prickly-pear tea. Take that, you conniving bastards! You can't make me live in your Prozac Nation!
Oh, look...Bounce fabric softening sheets can now be used in place of potpourri or regular housecleaning. Cool.
Billy is standing in front of the other pigs, babbling about Janet Reno and woman presidents. The guy leading the meeting interrupts with, "You're not here because you respect women, Billy. You're here because you don't." Ooh. Words of a venerable sage. Billy cops attitude and says that as much as he's for women's rights, he doesn't want his own wife dressing in sexy clothes. Oh, shut up, Billy. He doesn't want her to become a partner at work. He really doesn't want her to work at all. Billy, shut your face and the face of the horse you rode in on. Other guys at the meeting, shut up and go fix me turkey pot pie. Is this supposed to be a week after the first meeting? Why is everyone wearing the same clothes? Oh, wait, Billy has the same tie and suit, but he did change his shirt. That's okay, then. He stands there sharing his wet dream about Georgia staying home to cook his dinner. The other losers murmur appreciatively. Billy lacks the shame that would keep any normal human being from admitting that he wants his spouse's day to begin "for real" because he, himself, is home. Whatever. First of all, I wonder why I can't get paid to write a TV show about the way I wish men would give up their lives for me. Second, why do male-chauvinist pigs think that any woman in the modern world would want to spend her days waiting for the moment she could start being her husband's maid and prostitute? What's in it for her? Money? Hello! Women can make their own money. And even if they wanted to do so by serving men, they could probably rake in tons more being ACTUAL MAIDS OR PROSTITUTES. Plus, they'd have an interesting variety of clients who wouldn't fart in their presence. I just don't understand why any man would even imagine that a woman would devote her life to pouring drinks and fetching slippers for an ungrateful jerk. Especially one as jerky as Billy. But whatever. I also don't understand why David E.K. put this dreck into this episode. Was it to give shout-outs to fellow sexist jerks, or was it in hopes that the female viewers would cheer extra loudly at the extremely pitiful set-down Georgia will eventually give to Billy? ["Or was it because he's sick of his own wife Michelle Pfeiffer working outside the home making movies or some such, and that's why she's recently announced that she's retiring from acting?" -- Wing Chun] Either way: whatever. Okay, so then Billy says he wants to be worshipped. Quit jerking off in my television screen, Dog Boy.
Meanwhile, down at the high school, Principal Whoever is yakking to Nelle and John about his liability issues regarding scholastic sexual assault. All the while, a gaggle of teen girls is scoping out the scene and making John uncomfortable. The principal says that if the lawyers can get the girl and her parents to withdraw the complaint, blah blah. He takes off and the flock of chicks approaches. The lead one says, "Excuse me...You are so cool!" John is all modest, saying thanks. The girls giggle and then the one who speaks for the pack asks, "Where do you get those amazing clothes?" John's modest again, Nelle smiles and says that her friend designs them. D'oh! They were talking to Nelle, not John! The only girl who was in the budget for a speaking part continues with, "They are so incredible," as if Nelle is wearing something more exciting than a black and white optic dot thingy with a black faux-fur coat. Then the girl with the teen spirit informs John that his pant hem is caught in his sock, and all her buddies giggle. Now THIS is more like the fashion-critiquing action I got as a substitute teacher. John plays off his embarrassment while the comically melancholy oboe plays on.
In the Unisex, Ally glares at herself in the mirror. Georgia walks in and asks if she's "trying to decide whether Retin-A really works." Damn, Georgia, you're so funny! And David E. Kelley, what a clever additional often-prescribed-drug reference! Personally, I thought Ally was trying to remember if it was her week to hose down her hair. But no, she's thinking about the Prozac again. She says it just seems wrong. Georgia starts trying to tell her that the stigma is gone, and Ally rudely interrupts and yells, "Yes, I know, people SPRINKLE IT ON THEIR JELL-O..." and I say, "Oh, shut up, Ally McDumbAss." Yeah, people sprinkle it on their Jell-O. Mm hmm. Everybody's doing it. Gee, I sure am glad David E. Kelley has the guts to address this issue. Now maybe all these Prozac zombies can kick the habit and quell their depression by describing it to their co-workers in agonizing detail every weekday of their lives. But you depressed people, make sure you develop some quirks and learn some Motown songs! Otherwise no one will care. Oh, and make sure you're not fat. If you're depressed and fat, or poor, or non-Caucasian, go ahead and kill yourself, because no one's ever gonna think YOUR problems are cute. Only losers do Prozac! Real depressed people meditate on public sidewalks and manage to make good money while they're looking for a lover to fulfill their lives! Viewers, take heed! Now go forth and spread the Gospel of Kelley! Anyway, Ally does a few seconds of her Freudian-slipping and vicious-passive-aggressive-yelling shtick, and then Georgia, instead of saying, "Tell it to someone who cares, you self-centered, husband-coveting freak," just says "okay," and walks away. Ally sees Al Green in the mirror. She runs out into the office and Al's a singing maintenance worker. Then we see Renee and then Elaine in ice-blue sequins, feathers, and satin gloves. They each sing a line of "Let's Stay Together" and sound pretty good doing it, I must say. Y'all work it, girls! Then Billy, Richard, and John come out of the elevator singing the chorus in white coats and tails. Then three unknown chicks come out singing behind them. Then Ling, Georgia, and Nelle come out and sing in chorus. Then we see Gladys Knight (Et tu, Gladys? ET TU?) and a bunch of people in choir robes join in. Then Ally gets in the spirit and shows us her sinewy armpits while she dances and caterwauls along. Then...
D'OH! Ally's standing there in the law office, jamming out in her coral sleeveless top and trying to belt out ad libs, making a complete spectacle of herself to the mild surprise and amusement of all the female employees. And Renee's there, too, for some reason. I didn't realize her office was inside Fish-Cage. Ally does her cute stammer-and-face-touch routine. But, just like me, no one there seems to care. Just like me...they want to be...far from Ally! Ahhh, ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh...far from Ally! Why don't they ever do the Carpenters on this show, huh?
Here's another meeting with Kirby, this time including the chick he kissed. The chick says, "I didn't send him a look! I -- I'm just so sure!" all harshly in her super-fuzzy brownish sweater. Nelle says that what they have here is a misunderstanding (a.k.a. "a failure to communicate." I know that's what she wanted to say.) Popular Chick's dad says, "It's more than that when a physical attack is involved," all pissed-off-sounding. You go, dad! I mean, I do feel sorry for Kirby and all, but I don't appreciate sub-plots like this and various news articles about overzealous school officials glossing over the fact that girls are sexually harassed and assaulted at school EVERY FREAKING DAY. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a liar who wants to remain sheltered. It doesn't just happen to girls, either. Parents, after you've finished enjoying this summary and other fine summaries on our site, please have a talk with your children about KEEPING THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES. And talk to them about unrealistic expectations for wives, too. If you've already talked to your kids about these things, then I salute you. Rock on, you hope for future generations, you!
The parents of Kirby and Popular Girl argue for a while, and then Popular Girl says that it was more like a bite than a kiss. Kirby denies this. Popular Girl -- oh, her name is Kim -- retorts, "Well, you were chewing and sucking!" Thanks for the visual, there, Kim. John wants to know what is served by making such an issue of the kiss. Kim says that Kirby did it in front of everybody. In the cafeteria! People thought that she liked him or something! Or that they were going out! She was a laughingstock! You know how hard it is to be popular in school! Okay, so it's ascertained by Nelle that Kim is getting revenge and telling the whole school that the kiss was unwanted, and that's why she wants to get Kirby suspended. Huh? Suspended? I thought we were talking about expulsion and a lawsuit. If this is only about suspension, why are there lawyers involved? Oh, those wacky rich people! I'll never understand them! Kirby runs out of the room. Poor, sad oboe. Er -- Kirby, that is.
Again, Ally's telling Dr. Rose that she doesn't need Prozac because she's working through her issues...I don't care anymore, Ally! Shut up and get out of here! It is interesting to note, however, that in describing her latest hallucination, Ally says: "...then it switched over to all of my friends. Renee was singing, and Elaine, and John, and Richard, and Billy, and Gladys..." First of all, way to admit that you have no real friends outside of work and your apartment, Ally. Second, GLADYS KNIGHT IS NOT YOUR FRIEND! Third, neither is Richard, and neither is Billy -- not to mention Ling and Nelle. What the heck is your definition of "friend," woman? Someone who listens to your whining without beating you to death with a length of steel piping? Rose writes Ally a prescription and tells her that mental health will soon be hers and her friends won't recognize her and blah blah blah. I -- I'm just so sure! Gee, I wonder why Tracey Ullman isn't the therapist in this episode? Ally asks if taking the pills will make Al Green be gone. Rose lilts, "Forever!" Oh, who cares? Fade to commercial.
Nike wants me to believe that they'll think I'm beautiful if I incur a sports injury. If they don't love me the way I am, I'm not gonna buy their shoes. Oh, wait...I can't afford them, anyway.
Aretha Franklin needs money real bad. Maybe she can do a cameo on Ally McBeal this season!
Toyota wants me to associate the Celica with stale house music. At first I'd mistakenly typed "Honda" instead. That tells you how much I care.
Nelle is planning to meet with Kim and is wearing a nasty red and gray knit skirt-and-wrap-top set. Nelle tells John that she hopes to persuade Kim to have some compassion. John says, "Compassion. That would be something new," referring to her reaction to his whacking the hell out of her butt with a brush last week. They start to argumentatively rehash that and the monkey-with-cymbals toy on John's desk goes off several times in a cornucopia of comic relief. John removes its batteries. Nelle says blah blah blah and John makes the same point about her preaching compassion to Kim. Nelle gives him the "oh you are so annoying, why do I have sex with you?" laugh, and leaves the office.
One of the M-C Pigs is blathering about reducing women as human beings and then we see Richard being all disrespectful, sitting in the back of the room with Loser -- I mean, Billy. ["You were right the first time." -- Wing Chun] The guys shh him. The guy in the front of the room says "...I need her to be lesser than" and then he mumbles something that sounds like, "Half a bitch she made more money than me." This is what I get for putting off reading the info that Cate sent me on closed-captioning. The meeting coordinator blabs about men being raised to be providers. Richard won't quit wiseacre-ing to Billy, so the guy asks him to address the group. Richard is more than happy to do so. "What is wrong with you people?" he asks. He suggests that they'd object to the name Richard because the nickname for it is Dick. He asks if any of them remember that word. He says that women make themselves into sexual objects with all their cosmetic surgery. He says that men are providers, women are supposed to get pregnant, women take care of babies, men bring home money, it's not just God's way (huh?), it's the way women want it. Shut your cakehole, Richard. (Greg Germann, if you're reading this -- email me!) He says that people are ruled by their wants and that what men want is sex and that what women want is money. Blah blah, he tells the losers to go home and say, "Honey, give me back my penis." Then, in an annoyingly flippant response to Pamie's complaint about last week's episode, David E. Kelley has Richard and the cult of losers yell the word "penis" way, way more often than would be necessary in any event. Billy's the only one who doesn't yell along. ["It just made me think that what these guys secretly wanted more than their women giving up control over their own lives was...well, you know -- penis. They sure were saying it often enough. Maybe they were all secretly going to these meetings in the hopes of hooking up. -- Wing Chun]
Ally's sitting around playing with a chessboard, a glass of water, and her bottle of Prozac. Calgon, will this show never end? Elaine walks in wearing an outfit she borrowed from Mary Ann of Gilligan's Island. She asks if Ally's joining everyone down at the bar. Ally tells her, "I'll be down right after I spend several minutes over-dramatizing my decision to put something other than a letter opener or a finger into my mouth." Elaine tells her that if she's that freaked out about the pills, she simply shouldn't take them. Ally says, "Blah blah blah Al Green," while pulling at the skin on her forearm in a way that I found quite disturbing. Elaine says, "But that last hallucination blah blah blah!" Ally takes a pill out of the bottle and says that she wants to "do this alone." Elaine leaves. We hear Al Green singing, "Don't look so sad, blah blah." Ally runs to the Unisex and pours the pills down the toilet. They're really huge green pills, too. What the hell was her dosage, anyway? Then we get the stupid, symbolically ambivalent CGI of Ally herself being flushed. Sadly, it's just Ally's imagination.
Josie Bissett was telling me something about Neutrogena, but I didn't pay attention because I was distracted by her orange eye shadow and the fact that her face suddenly looks completely different.
The principal of Kirby's school is wearing a vest that's too small and telling Nelle that he'll "expunge it from the record." Nelle in her pinstriped suit and white oxford shirt beckons Kirby, who is sitting at a table in the hall, campaigning to be class secretary. They are watched by a angry-looking boy in a varsity jacket and the girls hanging over said boy's table. Kirby tells Nelle that everyone's saying he kisses like a snapping turtle. Nelle says romance novels shouldn't describe kisses as "hungry" and give the impression that the characters are "eating each other's lips or something." In the most contrived, unrealistic event of the whole hour, she offers to kiss him and show him how it's supposed to be soft and tender and blah, blah. I'm JUST SO SURE. Kirby's voice cracks, "Here??" Nelle explains -- check out this casual rationalization -- that if she did it in a private place, she'd risk being arrested because he's underage. So that's how that law works! Take note, adults who date high-schoolers! Kirby's all tripped out, so Nelle says she'll just kiss him goodbye. She lays one on him for about five seconds, during which time everyone in the whole school has a chance to gape in wonder. She tells Kirby that every guy in the school is envious of him and that he really can kiss. Kirby's a new man. Woo hoo for him.
Billy emerges from a Unisex stall to find Georgia combing her hair and hear her say, "Billy...hey. Collecting a few thoughts or just dropping 'em off?" Yeah, whatever that means. Billy reacts to this stinging putdown by saying, "Now I'm being punished for sharing my feelings." No, Georgia's just sharing hers. She calls him on the Subordinating Ally comment. After cursorily checking the restroom for other inhabitants, he tries to explain, but ends up crying that he's struggling with his own honesty. When Georgia tries to argue, he says he doesn't "have to listen to this." She says blah blah and he says he doesn't want a bimbo, but he also doesn't want "a big, fat, raging feminist, either." Gee, thanks for the shout-out, Billy. Georgia finally gets mad and tells him he's a pig. He says that was why he went to the meeting, but that this is what he gets for talking to her. Georgia yells, "No, THIS is what you get for marrying somebody who can talk back!" as if she's all sassy or something. Oh, but then Billy just shakes his head and says, "Oh, go do your hair, Georgia." Dang. What a total dog. That attitude, that receding hairline, those bland outfits - and he thinks he deserves a sex kitten who can cook? I am -- just --so -- sure! Man! So Georgia can't even cope with this mess. She hauls off and backslaps Billy, and while he's reeling from that, she sidekicks him into the stall door. He falls to the floor with his jacket over his head. Georgia busts out one of her famously lame lines: "Feminine enough?" and peels out. Elaine comes out of her Eavesdropping Stall and rushes to Billy's aid. She pulls him onto his back. He says he's fine but she says he's not getting enough air. She straddles him and puts her mouth on his with visible tongue. Billy's eyes open wide as he wonders why anyone other than those dummies Georgia and Ally would want to kiss his foul mouth.
Rose is admonishing Ally for tossing her pills. She says she ought to put Ally on Xanax just for wasting perfectly good Prozac, and she opens her vest which is lined with pill bottles. HA! The joke just doesn't get old, does it? Ally babbles about Al Green. Rose tells her, "Don't try to romanticize your insanity, either. That's all I need -- another wacko in love with her lunacy." That was almost a good point, Rose. I mean, it's not like Ally's fantasies are helping her bring great art into the world or anything. They don't even help her with her court cases. Ally goes, "YOU'RE the WACKO!" Rose points out that "most patients would kill for that prescription." Hmm. Doesn't that negate one of the important points of this week's message from DEK? That antidepressants are over-prescribed? Ally hisses, "Yes, but you tried to give it to me in suppository form!" Rose goes, "So you could shove it up your ass!" Man, it's funny when senior citizens say bad words! Then she says, "Oh, go pick another theme song, you pissy little thing. I'm through with you!" Hyuk, hyuk! Ally gasps and runs away. She turns to say something at the door, which Rose slams in her face. Rose laments the wasted pills. Then she opens the door to Ally's gaping maw. Then she slams it shut again.
It's night time and Ally and John are having a beer on an office balcony. Ally says she doesn't need chemicals, she's getting stronger, she's less afraid of being alone, blah blah. "I don't fit in, John!" she simpers. They clink bottles. Nelle approaches in the background. John tells her there's a rumor at the school that Kirby kissed another girl. So now we know John's in on the local high-school grapevine. Nelle asks him if he's angry. Ally says, "Why, do you want another spanking?" Man, what a rude bitch. Nelle, why didn't you backslap her? John makes his "oh man, I'm in so much trouble thanks to Ally's big freaking mouth!" face. Ally makes her "if I make this pouty fish-lipped face, I'll be forgiven" face and says, "It was a very bad joke!" Nelle overlooks it all, says she was trying to mitigate Kirby's lifetime embarrassment, and asks John to go to the bar with her. John asks Ally to join them. Nelle smiles as if she likes Ally. Ally says, "No...actually, I'm looking forward to walking home solo." Oh, shut up, Ally. Like you don't do that every freaking episode. "Tonight's the night!" she adds all stupidly and unnecessarily. Then Elaine shows up and smirkily informs her that Billy and Georgia are fighting. Ally pretends that she's a self-confident person who doesn't care. Elaine tells how she put her tongue down Billy's esophagus. Ally pretends that she's not jealous. Elaine tells Ally that Billy's probably at the bar alone, generously offering her sloppy seconds. Ally pretends like she thinks Elaine should "go tongue him some more." I can't believe they didn't fit the word penis into this scene. Elaine is flabbergasted and assumes that Ally took the drug. Ally does her goofy faraway face and baby-voices, "No. I didn't." Elaine makes a face of befuddlement. Ally takes her shiny complexion out of there. Elaine continues to muse on the enigma that is Ally McBeal while ally-mcbealing at her own lips. Ally slouches over to a book store's sidewalk sale. Al Green takes her hand and then pays his bills by dancing down the sidewalk with her. Then Vonda sings along, but we don't see her or anything. Al disappears in a cloud of magic sparkle dust while Ally stupidly looks on. Then Ally dances like a scarecrow and continues her Walk Of Many Facial Expressions along the moonlit street. Goodnight, loser! The end. Oh, lord. week they're bringing back the Car Wash Guy, and Carrie from Days of Our Lives is suing Ally. I'm...just...so...oh, forget it.