Previously on Alias: Sloane killed Nadia with a table, SydAnna killed Élodie with a knife, and I killed my brain cells with a slow and steady stream of liquid nitrogen martinis. Straight up!
We start off the hoots and hilarity at Nadia's funeral, where Syd is giving a heartfelt memorial to her half-sister. The Appleseed Gang is all in attendance, minus one Agent Weiss because he's off filming a pilot or showing up in yet another JJ Abrams production. While Sydney speaks lovingly of Nadia, we watch as a medical examiner begins his autopsy of Élodie. It's a nice juxtaposition: the love surrounding Nadia and the lack of it surrounding Élodie. While the M.E. is cutting her up, he discovers something and shines the light down to get a better look. And I was wrong in the recaplet; he's not cutting into her head, he's cutting into her chest. I don't know why I thought it was the head; obviously, I should never be allowed to perform neurosurgery on anyone.
The M.E. removes a rather large microchip from Élodie's body and we switch to Nadia's coffin as Sydney lays a lily down on her chest. And, yeah, I totally thought she was going to suddenly slap her eyes open at that point and be all, "Gotcha!" But alas, it was not meant to be. Nadia's truly dead. Or, you know, as dead as anyone ever is on this show. Dix walks up as Syd says out loud that she can't believe she trusted Sloane again after all he's done. Dix tries to comfort her, saying that they all trusted him. Syd says that Nadia didn't and that now Syd has to live with the fact that Nadia wasn't buying Sloane's story but Syd totally was and Syd actually convinced Nadia to give him a second chance, thereby basically sending Nadia to her death. "I showed him compassion," says Syd. "I won't make that mistake again." God, I hope not. The man's a sadistic little dork, Sydney. Let him have it!
Distant Castle of Rambaldi-Loving Freaks. Peyton is swaggering so hard down a hallway that she's practically leaving dents in the plaster. Also? What's up with her hair? Back when we didn't know she was so deep into Prophet Five, she had her hair pulled back in ponytails and little to no makeup on. Now that she's a baddie, she's all curled and flounced and looking rather hottish. If becoming eeeevil is what it takes to be hot, I'm about a fountain pen and a dotted line away from signing up for that shit. Peyton stops and asks a guard if "he" has asked for anything yet. The guard says "he" has just asked for a pitcher of water. Peyton enters the room. Papers and random Rambaldi-esque crap are strewn across a desk. Page 47 just sits in the middle of it all.
Sloane's basking evilly in front of a roaring fire as Peyton stalks up and interrupts his me time by asking if he's decoded the page yet. Sloane just minces that it's going to take time and perhaps she should stop bugging him already and go get him that damned pitcher of Eau de Rambaldi he asked for! Since it's been over a week and Sloane hasn't delivered the decrypted message, Peyton asks when they might see some results. Sloane gets his back up and is all, uh, this ain't the Word Jumble, Princess Pain-In-My-Ass! The message has been hidden inside that document for over 500 years; I'm thinking that a little ol' week is no big deal here.
Peyton then weirdly suggests that Sloane take a walk outside on the grounds to clear his head. Sloane asks if the armed guard outside the door would mind if he slipped away to enjoy a bite of lunch. Well, considering that the establishing shot of the castle showed it to be dark outside, I'm thinking the armed guard might be wondering why you're going out for lunch when it's DINNERTIME. Peyton snarks that Sloane's not a prisoner in the castle, so how 'bout knocking the gigantic chip off his shoulder? She goes on to say that she knows he's had to make some tough sacrifices; they all have. Sloane chomps onto this last little bit like it's a tasty bit of amaretto-flavored licorice. "You think I'm having a crisis of conscience because I killed Nadia?" he spits at her. "Let me be clear: no one will stand between me and the fulfillment of Rambaldi's ultimate vision. No one. And unless you and your superiors know someone else who's familiar with fifteenth-century cryptography, I'm sure you can wait a few more days." This shuts Peyton up for the moment, and she gives him leave to continue about his business of not decrypting the page for reasons that are totally unclear at the moment. What? I'm not giving anything away!
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Getty, Jack, and Marsh are meeting about the Élodie chip. Marsh says that the chip was probably manufactured back in the seventies. He sticks the chip in his machine and discovers that there's 100Kb of data on it, but it's all encoded. Jack's amazed that Marsh would have a problem with thirty-year-old technology, but Marsh says half the code is missing and that it was probably corrupted over time. So, basically, he can't figure out what's on the damn thing. Getty asks what the little marks are on the outside of the chip and Marsh sticks it underneath a microscope. "Whoa!" he says after he's looked at it. "What is it?" asks Jack. Marshall puts whatever it is up on the monitor. We don't see what it is, but Getty suddenly says that they should tell Sydney. Jack says that he'll talk to Sydney and that Marshall and Getty should work on finding out what else is on the chip and why it was inside Élodie. At that same moment, a man listening in on their conversation from a high-tech monitoring room gets on the phone and tells whoever is on the other end that they just got a hit on one of the hard lines and they should call Peyton. The man who was listening in is no one I've ever seen before.
Barbie's Baby Penthouse. Sydney is hilariously trying to get Isabelle to sleep by rocking her on top of a running dryer. Syd looks more exhausted by this kid than by all her secret missions behind enemy lines put together. The doorbell rings and Sleepy Syd goes to get it. It's Jack, who greets Syd with a "Hi" and his granddaughter with a "Hi, sweetheart!" Aw. Cold, hard Jack wuvs his wittle girls! He asks if this isn't Isabelle's naptime and Sydney's like, DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? YOU TRY TO GET HER TO SLEEP. SHE'S GODDAMN RAMBALDI. HE NEVER SLEEPS! She mentions that Isabelle apparently doesn't need a lot of sleep because they got a collective four hours last night. Jack quips that it must be genetic because Sydney woke up every morning at four AM on the nose. Sydney gamely apologizes for her lack of sleep etiquette. Heh.
Jack's brought along a folder with data on the Élodie chip. It turns out that Vaughn's real name, Andre Michaux, was etched on the outside of the chip and that Marshall believes it was placed inside Élodie thirty years ago. Syd remarks that Vaughn and Élodie didn't even know each other thirty years ago. But, Jack says, their fathers did. And they were working together against Prophet Five. Jack thinks that one of the fathers etched Vaughn's name on the chip and placed it inside Élodie, intending for it to be found some day. "It's possible he may have some understanding of what the chip contains," says Jack, his eyes searching Syd's face for comprehension. Suddenly, Syd totally gets what Jack is asking: he wants to contact Vaughn in Bhutan. Syd is completely against this plan, but Jack says they may have no other choice if they want to bring down P5. Syd finally agrees to the dead drop of the chip as long as she's the one doing the dead-dropping. Jack kind of nods, knowing that there's no way to talk her out of it.
Sloane's Den of Iniquity (and Rambaldi Crap). Peyton and Sloane are listening to a recorded conversation between Dix and Getty. Dix says that Sydney's heading to Nepal to see someone who may be able to decipher the chip. Getty asks who the contact is and Dix just says that it's someone who worked with Élodie. Peyton switches off the recorder and asks Sloane if he has any idea who this Nepal contact is. Sloane says he doesn't, and wonders aloud if Nepal is the same place as Bhutan. Peyton informs him that it isn't, but that sometimes writers forget where they've put characters at the very end of episodes, especially when those characters were never supposed to be alive again. Sloane thinks this is interesting, because, where he comes from, Nepal is one country, Bhutan is another and THEY'RE NOT REALLY INTERCHANGEABLE. Peyton tells Sloane that she'll put a hit out on the writers if it means he'll be able to concentrate more fully on Page 47. Sloane says that, yes, it would be a great help to him if she'd do that and Peyton makes the call.
When she's finished, Sloane says that he assumes this means that Prophet Five is going to take action on the Nepal contact. "Are you sure that's wise?" he asks. "APO will want to know how you obtained the intel, which would prompt them into looking into the security leak. Whatever's on that chip, I certainly hope it's worth the risk." Peyton just snits a fake thanks at him and then says they're sending an agent to intercept the device. They'd like Sloane to brief her before she leaves. Sloane's not sure what assistance he can offer some random agent, but then SydAnna enters the room and Sloane's jaw unhinges and drops to the floor and his tongue rolls out and kicks a dust bunny in the ass. Didn't see THAT one comin', didya, Arvin?
Now is the time on Alias when we shove another piece of Savage Sour Apple Bubblicious Bubble Gum in our mouths and chomp until it feels like we no longer have teeth.
Apple Store. Getty's sitting at his desk, paging through some magazine. He gets to the careers section and uncaps his pen. He starts circling letters and writing them at the top of the page. It would appear that he's decoding some sort of message in the ads. When he finishes, the message reads, "CONTACT MADE. AWAITING RESPONSE." Rachel walks up right then, and Getty smoothly turns the page on the message so she can't see it. I can't figure out the point of this scene, really, unless it's that Rachel's actually on to Getty and knows he's up to something and she saw the message and is now just faking her upcoming meltdown to cover up the fact that she's sniffing his cheese. If that's the case, then this scene rocks. If it's not, and it's just a little filler scene meant to show how sensitive and non-spy-like Rachel is, then it sucks.
So, whatever, Rachel asks Getty if he wants to go see a movie. He rightly clues into the fact that this isn't about them going to the movies; it's about Nadia dying and Rachel not being so good with the whole "dead agent" part of her job. Rachel makes a mini-speech about how she doesn't think she's cut out for this, because first Gordo Dean, then Sloane were right in front of her, deceiving her the whole time, and she was totally oblivious. Getty tells her she's a good agent and her eyes slide down to the desk for a second, which was the moment I hoped that she was really trying to tell us all, "Y'all? I am SO onto this guy." Unfortunately, I kinda doubt this is the case. Getty says he would tell her if he thought she couldn't handle it. She thanks him and leaves, and he immediately picks up his phone and calls the classifieds department and says that he'd like to place an ad in week's edition. I have no idea what he's up to, but somehow, I don't think it's good.
Sloane's Den of Iniquity (and Rambaldi Crap). Sloane is debriefing SydAnna on Sydney's particulars. He tells her about Isabelle, and SydAnna snorts with just the right hint of Cuban derision. Seriously, y'all. Garner's impression of Gina Torres as Sydney is awesome. SydAnna quips something about how in this business, it's always the children who suffer. Then she says, "Hmm, Arvin, it troubles you, doesn't it? Looking at me, seeing her look back at you?" "You're nothing like her," snaps Sloane. "And I suppose you know what I'm like?" SydAnna snaps back. Sloane says he does; she's driven by anger and she craves power, something she was likely deprived of in her childhood. Sydney, on the other hand, is driven by a sense of duty and she gets her strength from the people she loves. When did Sloane become Dr. Phil all of a sudden? Arvin, put down the Psych 101 books and step away!
SydAnna says that Sydney's strength is also what makes her weak. "Attachments are a vulnerability," she says, "that can be exploited." "And yet she always manages to best you," snarks Sloane. He asks her if she avoids mirrors, and she quips back that she doubts becoming P5's latest pawn was part of Sloane's endgame. Sloane just says he's comfy with his place in the big picture but that SydAnna will continue to deceive herself that she's anything but expendable. "This procedure you've undergone," he says, "surely there must be a reason they want you to look like Sydney." Well, sure, Sloane! They need her to look like Sydney so that she can go meet with Vaughn, even though they don't know yet that Vaughn's still alive! See how much sense that makes? Sloane says that when her purpose is fulfilled, SydAnna will become unnecessary. "Lovely catching up," she snits, and then walks out. "The truth is," says Nadia's Ghost, appearing out of nowhere, "that you're no different than she is. You're dispensable too." Sloane looks at his dead daughter as if he's not at all surprised to see her there.
Nepal. Or Bhutan. Or One of Those Countries with the Monks and/or Yaks. A bi-plane touches down in a field somewhere as the passengers on another plane disembark. SydAnna is among the passengers. She walks past a man in a woven hat and he immediately says, "Miss Bristow!" Way to work the whole undercover aspect of your job, homes. SydAnna turns around, and the man introduces himself as Nabin and points to a bright red scarf at his waist, saying that Syd must have overlooked him. Man. These Nepalese/Bhutanese monks are CRAP at spying. Nabin says that Sydney is hard to overlook and, in fact, she's just as lovely as Mr. Vaughn described her. SydAnna's bells go off. She's all, "Miiiiiister Vaaaaaughn?" Nabin, who is quickly becoming a candidate for Worst Spy Ever, tells her that Vaughn talks about her all the time and then takes her to his car.
As they walk there, he tells her that Vaughn's coming along nicely and healing well. He opens his trunk and a car passes by. SydAnna suddenly sticks her stiletto into the back of his neck and he dies instantly. Another guy in a knit cap shows up and drags Nabin off to his car and tosses him into the back. SydAnna tells her man about Vaughn being alive and being the contact Syd's about to meet and then she instructs him to meet Sydney and answer to the name of Nabin and wear the red scarf at his waist. She hightails it out of sight, and FakeNabin goes to greet the real Syd.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Marsh is on the phone, attempting to order baby stuff for Mitchell. There's a lot of hissing and clicking on the line. Of course, Marshall being Marshall, this raises his Geek Alarm. Minutes later, he's running down the hall to Jack's office. "Marshall?" says Jack. "WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE!" spits Marshall. "Coffee?" says Jack. "Yeah -- I -- think -- uh," Marshall stutters. He looks around for a pen and paper but doesn't find any, so he then GRABS the pen out of Jack's HAND, which is awesome because NO ONE touches Jack's pen! Marshall continues to sputter about coffee and tea and decaf as he makes the international hand gesture for "Give me something to write on you toolbox!" at Jack. Hee! Jack just hands him a pad of paper and Marshall scrawls something on it and shows it to him.
The thing we see is Jack and Marshall down in the parking garage, discussing the fact that the phone lines are deeply bugged. Apparently, Sloane logged onto the network and put the entire phone system on some passive surveillance mode. Jack's amazed, as am I, that Sloane managed to access their system, seeing as his access codes were all revoked. Marshall just says that Sloane set up the system in the first place, so he must have installed some sort of back door in the network. The gist of the situation is that Sloane and P5 have been able to consistently monitor every conversation taking place inside APO since God knows when. "We need to inform Sydney immediately," says Jack. Oh ho YEAH ya do.
Nepahutan. Syd's in the car with FakeNabin. She gets a call on her cell. It's Jack. He tells her to listen to him very carefully and then he informs her of the security breach. He tells her that they have reason to believe she's been compromised. She shoots a glance at FakeNabin and then fakes a sign-off to her dad. They come upon a man to his broken-down truck and Syd tells FakeNabin not to stop. He says they should. Syd says that they shouldn't, only she says it with her elbow to his face. The truck careens around as the guy in front of the other truck starts shooting at them. FakeNabin takes a bullet in the head and Syd grabs the wheel, pulling the truck around so that she can shoot at the other guy while evading his bullets. The truck goes engine over trunk into a ditch on the side of the road.
Syd manages to wake up a bit. SydAnna walks up and says, "Hello, Sydney." She then reaches inside the truck, obviously looking for the chip. Sydney fully comes to and sees…herself standing before her. She's understandably confused. SydAnna finds the chip and turns to Sydney, saying that if she'd known it was inside Élodie, she'd have saved them both the trouble and cut it out herself when she slit her throat. "Anna…" is all Syd can manage. "Sorry, Syd," says SydAnna. "Don't have time to chat. I have a date. Now…I don't know exactly what I'm going to do with your boyfriend, but whatever it is, I'll have fun doing it." Wouldn't we all, SydAnna. Wouldn't we all. Then, SydAnna flicks her Bic and drops it to the ground, igniting a trail of fuel. Syd starts to panic and scramble. SydAnna swaggers away as the truck behind her blows up and Syd totally dies. Except she doesn't. Because, hi, this is Alias and she's the damn star.
Magical Hut of Hot Chest-Wound Recovery Patients. SydAnna enters the candlelit hut, and it would appear that these Nepahutanese monks have a lot more than yak butter and ear wax at their disposal; there's a high-tech medical room at the back of the place, as well as a huge fire pit in the center that would be perfect for roasting marshmallows. S'mores anyone? Vaughn slowly shuffles out from one of the rooms, dragging a cane with him. "Hey," he softly says. SydAnna turns, and I have the TiVo paused right now and her expression is hilarious. It's like, "HeeeyyyyHI. HI. I'M TOTALLY YOUR GIRLFRIEND. I AM NOT A CLONE." It looks nothing like the way Sydney might look at Vaughn. Then she kind of melts her face into a vague facsimile of someone who smiles lovingly at someone else. I'm telling you, she's REALLY bad at being Syd. Which is awesome that Jennifer Garner is trying to convey this. Oh, and her terrible expressions might explain how later, when Vaughn is all, "I was onto you from the beginning," I totally believe him.
So, they smile at each other and Vaughn shuffles forward and she asks if he's okay and he says he is and that the doctor says he doesn't even need the cane anymore but he thinks it looks debonair so he's keeping it and OH MY GOD HAVE I MISSED MICHAEL VARTAN. Five seconds into his scene and I'm practically sweating. I'll try to contain myself. Vaughn says that he's missed her and they kiss and there is a single beat of a moment when they touch lips that Vaughn's eyes kind of squint and then he puts his hands on either side of her face and if I were a betting man, I'd say that this was the precise moment when he figured out she wasn't really Sydney. But don't hold me to that.
They hug and then Vaughn asks how "she" is. "Isabelle!" says SydAnna, like she's answering a question on Jeopardy. Vaughn comments on how Syd named their daughter Isabelle and SydAnna fails her test miserably when she says, "You like it?" and Vaughn responds, "Yeah. It was my idea, wasn't it?" D'oh! If he didn't already know something was up, he sure as hell is guessing something's up right about now, y'all. They continue their fake reunion conversation as we switch to Sydney, who has, and I know you won't believe this AT ALL, actually escaped from the burning car unscathed. I know. I KNOW. I was so SURPRISED.
Sloane's Den of Iniquity (and Rambaldi Crap). Sloane calls Peyton in and tells her that he's discovered an anomaly in the composition and this anomaly requires Peyton to go get a book from a bookshop in Geneva. I know. It makes no sense to me either, really. "How long do you think you can deceive them?" asks Nadia's Ghost. "Page 47…eventually they're going to find out that you already know what it says. You're stalling. You must have some plan." He asks her what she wants and she says she doesn't want anything. He tells her that every sacrifice he's made has been for the greater good. "Yet every sacrifice you've made has come at someone else's expense," she says as her wound slowly appears on her neck. Nice touch.
Sloane says that he had no choice. Nadia laughs at him. "You still believe that, don't you? That your actions are controlled by fate. That you were chosen? Why, Dad? Surely you must ask yourself, why would Rambaldi choose you? You're not a man of honor, you're not particularly courageous, you're charitable but only when it suits your own interests and last, but not least, you murder the people you claim to love." Whoa. Burn. Sloane asks her why she's here and she says it's because he wants her here; now he can pursue Rambaldi and have his daughter at the same time. The door opens and the guard from outside enters, asking if Sloane needs something. You know, because he's talking to imaginary dead people and everything. Sloane just says he's fine and that if he needs anything, his dead daughter will be more than happy to get it for him.
Magical Hut of Hot Chest-Wound Recovery Patients. SydAnna's shared the chip with Vaughn and now he's waxing nostalgic about Élodie. He asks who killed her and SydAnna tells him the truth: she did. Well, Anna Espinosa did and, since she's really Anna Espinosa, then…well, you get the picture. They discuss the chip and the corrupted data and what it means and then SydAnna lets spill that Marshall thinks the chip had been in Élodie's body for thirty years. Vaughn perks up at this bit of info. "Where was it, exactly?" he asks. SydAnna doesn't know. Vaughn then tells a story about how, when he was a child, he had a bike accident when he was a kid, but that he didn't remember it at all; he just believed what his father told him because it left him with a scar over his left nipple. I just said "nipple." I may need to lie down. "Maybe the chip isn't corrupted at all," says Vaughn. "Maybe there's another half." SydAnna just looks at the scar like she wouldn't mind LICKING the chip out of him.
After the break, we're greeted with Michael Vartan's naked shoulder and it would appear I need to be hosed down. Preferably with ice water. NIPPLE PORN! SydAnna is prepping the area for minor surgery and she comments that the alcohol or whatever will help with infection, but it won't do nothin' for the pain. Vaughn says something about how, if she can handle childbirth, he can handle this. Well, seeing as her childbirth took about three seconds and you've been shot in the CHEST a BAJILLION times, I'd say that you've seen your fair share of pain, buster, and yours wins hands down, every time. She tells him to sit still and he says he trusts her, and she starts to cut. I was surprised she didn't just kill him, really, but then the fan wank in me took over and I decided that she couldn't kill him because maybe he was integral to the Rambaldi plan in some other way and if she killed him, it'd all be effed up. Then the part of my brain that actually THINKS was like, oh, please. Since when did Anna give a shit about Rambaldi? And why'd she do this anyway? Did they promise her a seat on the Royal Rambaldi Throne or something? God. GOD. Sometimes this show makes me want to take it out back and kick the shit out of it.
So, whatever, SydAnna starts cutting and we switch to the real Syd, who's just commandeered the other truck on the road. She calls her dad and tells him he was right and that she was compromised. He asks where she is and she just says, "Wait, Dad. Just listen to me. It gets worse. I've been doubled." Jack looks like he just bit into a Molotov Cocktail. Back with SydAnna and Vaughn, she's cutting and he's groaning. He won't sit still and she tells him to think about something else. "Give me something else to think about!" he gasps. "Tell me about Isabelle." SydAnna proceeds to tell him that his daughter has his eyes and his smile but that her chin is pointy, like hers. "It's cute," she says. Heh. She finally gets it out and Vaughn fits it together with his chip and it's a perfect fit.
Zurich. Peyton enters a book shop and walks right up to the geeky clerk and asks for the book. He gets it for her and says the receipt is in the book. Yes, it's just about that interesting. She leaves, and the clerk picks up the phone. "I believe there is someone trying to contact you," he says. "No, it wasn't him. It was a woman. But she knew the protocol."
We switch back to SydAnna and Vaughn as the chip is being decrypted. "Evakuierungplan Alpha 3" appears on the computer screen. Vaughn says it looks like some sort of emergency evacuation plan. He zooms in on a part of the map and discovers that it's a bomb shelter beneath Bergner Park. Whatever is there, Vaughn's going with SydAnna to find out what it is. She tries to get him to stay, but he says that there's a great chance that she'll need him once they find the place. She agrees, and calls for transport. Minutes later, Syd's driving up the hill. A helicopter is taking off in the distance. With her boyfriend on it.
Apple Store. Jack is addressing the troops. "What I am about to tell you, cannot leave this room," he says. "Agent Vaughn is alive." "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT!" shouts Marshall. Heh. Jack goes on to tell them where Vaughn has been lo these many moons and that he hopes they'll understand that the secrecy was necessary to keep him alive. Unfortunately, that secrecy didn't help so much when the phones were tapped, so of course Prophet Five knows everything. Jack says that Syd is fine but that when she made it to Vaughn's location, he was no longer there. "He was abducted?" pipes up Rachel. "In a manner of speaking," Jack dryly responds. He brings up an image on the monitors. It's Vaughn and SydAnna. "This was taken in Hamburg International Airport one hour ago. The woman in the photo is not Sydney." Everyone looks at each other like, what the? Who the? How the? First Vaughn's alive and now Sydney's got a double? Our brains hurt!
Hamburg. Vaughn and SydAnna are parked outside a mall that appears to have been put in there in place of Bergner Park. Vaughn guesses that, even though the landscape has changed, the bunker is still beneath it. SydAnna spies a jewelry store and says that there's probably a basement storage room that they could get access to and thereby somehow get into the bunker. She asks him how he wants to handle the situation and he says, "Like we did in Cartagena." SydAnna bluffs that she'll follow his lead, and they head into the store.
Distant Castle of Rambaldi-Loving Freaks. Sloane's taking his Peyton-prescribed stroll around the grounds. Unfortunately, he's not getting any peace and quiet because Nadia's annoying-as-shit ghost is still hanging around, haranguing him for his actions. She asks him if he really thinks he's going to get away with this; P5 has already killed Vaughn and Élodie and probably Sydney by now. They're smarter and stronger than him, so why doesn't he just give it up already? Just then, Peyton shows up with the book Sloane so desperately needed. He tells her that he's been distracted and that, in order to make progress toward the future, he needs to make peace with the past. Whatever that means.
SydAnna and Vaughn enter the jewelry store and she goes right to a huge ring in the center of a case. Vaughn acts surprised and points out a different ring. "No, no, no, no," she says, pointing adamantly at the large diamond. The store clerk comes out and asks if she'd like to see it and he pulls it out for her. She puts it on, and suddenly her hand starts shaking and she breathes out. At first, I totally thought the diamond was having adverse effects on Anna's cloning, but then it quickly becomes clear that this little act is all part of their plan. Vaughn claims that she has seizures and asks the guard for help. The second he comes over, SydAnna slams him in the face with her elbow and Vaughn grabs his gun. He points it at the clerk and asks how to get access to downstairs. The clerk hands over his keys and Vaughn runs downstairs, leaving SydAnna with the gun pointed at the clerk.
Ignoring the fact that Vaughn has only recently recovered from being shot a BAJILLION times in the CHEST but is now running down the stairs as if he's never suffered so much as a HEAD COLD in his ENTIRE LIFE, we follow him as he discovers the basement and promptly punches a hole in the wall. Upstairs, SydAnna calls for an extraction and knocks out the clerk. Downstairs, Vaughn climbs through the hole he made and finds a hidden hallway with lights. He comes upon a door with a keypad access panel and promptly bypasses it by ripping it open with his switchblade and hotwiring it. The door slides open and Vaughn hits a light switch. Inside the room is wall after wall of pictures that we never see close up. But there are strings tacked to them with thumb tacks and they're covered in dust. In fact, the whole place seems to be covered in dust and cobwebs. There are several desks, and they're all cowering beneath the weight of layers of file folders. Vaughn goes to open one of them and a gun cocks behind him. "Thanks," says SydAnna. "I've got it from here."
Vaughn turns. "Who are you?" he says calmly. "It's a pity you'll never know," she says, taking aim. And then she goes to shoot him, only…there's no clip in the gun! Oh ho ho! What a surprise! Because a TRAINED ASSASSIN wouldn't recognize the difference between a gun WITH a clip and a gun WITHOUT. I hated this plot device back when it was used with Auntie Katya, okay? But the fact that now Vaughn gets to kick the shit out of SydAnna kind of makes up for it. And you totally know that JJ was all, "Vartan, dude, if you come back on the show, we'll…we'll…we'll let you beat up Jennifer! Ha! Wouldn't that rock?" And Vartan was all, "Look, JJ man, I love you and everything but -- wait. Would I get to physically kick her around? I mean, no doubles or stunt people?" "Well, I'm not sure about th--" "Deal's off." "Okay! No doubles! Just you and Jen!" "Rock on."
Vaughn holds up the clip from the gun and kind of wiggles it at her. "Syd and I never went to Cartagena," he says. SydAnna throws her weight behind a punch, but Vaughn easily counters it and knocks her down, shoving her onto a table and pulling her arm behind her. "And, just for the record," he spits, "you're a terrible kisser." HA! They fight some more and Vaughn punches her in the gut and then delivers a roundhouse punch to her face. Ha! Some more! She goes down, but gets right back up. "I always said Sydney was too good for you," she says, right before she kicks him. They fight some more and there's ups and downs and crowbars to knees and heads through glass until, finally, Vaughn's down and SydAnna's up and she has a gun and she's about to find out if it's loaded when BAM! BAM! BAM! From behind her, three shots ring out and three shots appear in SydAnna's gut. And then, one final shot, to the head. A nice, clear bullet wound practically between SydAnna's eyes.
She drops to the ground and the real Sydney is right behind her. Vaughn looks at her and she looks at him and they both have expressions of amazement and concern and they kind of walk quickly to each other and before we can get a repeat of the Kiss to End All Kisses, Sydney asks if Vaughn's all right and he says he is and finally, FINALLY, they really kiss and it's the real thing and it's awesome.
We can't bask in the glow of it for too long, however, because we have to go watch Sloane light a candle for his dead daughter. He leaves the church, and we see a man in a black suit walk up to the candle he just lit. His slender fingers reach out and pick up a matchbook that Sloane apparently left behind. He picks out a slip of paper that's been hidden behind the matches themselves. He opens it and the camera pans up to reveal none other than Julian Sark, looking as dastardly handsome as ever! He's totally The Cardinal, y'all.
Switching back to Syd and Vaughn, we catch up with them as they're paging through some of the files. Everything on Daddy Vaughn's research of P5 is contained in the folders. "Most of these organizations still exist, Syd," says Vaughn. "We could end it all," says Syd. Just then, SydAnna's cell phone rings. Sydney picks it up. It's Peyton, asking if she got the chip. Syd says that she did and that she's done here. Peyton gives her a location to meet up at and Syd hangs up. She tells Vaughn that that was Peyton, coming to extract Anna. "Who's Peyton?" asks poor, innocent Vaughn. Syd gives him a look like, aw. You're so clueless, aren't you? She tells him that Sloane is part of all this and that he works with Prophet Five. "He killed Nadia," she says. "This is my chance to stop him."
Vaughn knows what this means. They share a moment, and then Syd tells him that he can't go back to the Apple Store because there are moles within the government. He needs to contact Jack and only Jack. "Okay," he says, dejected that she's choosing, once again, to go save the world instead of stay with him. "Okay, I will." He hands her the Élodie chip and tells her that it's useless without the other half. Then he tells her to take the tracking device from her cell phone and imbed it into the chip so that they can track her movements once she hands over the chip. They kiss briefly and he tells her to be careful. She leaves, and Vaughn looks after her sadly with the history of Prophet Five spread across the walls behind him.
Outside, Syd saunters toward Peyton's car. She gets in, and Peyton says they were expecting to hear from her sooner. Syd says she ran into a few complications, but nothing she couldn't handle. "And Sydney?" says Peyton. "She's dead," says Sydney. She hands over the chip, saying it's what they found inside Élodie. "Well," says Peyton, "if you were able to pull this off, then the rest should be easy." "Yeah," says Sydney.
And the Ominous Strings of Ominosity take us out.
time on Alias: Syd's undercover! Sark's back! Vaughn's worried! Sloane's evil! I mean, more evil than usual!