Previously on Alias: Irina was discovered to be alive, and the land it did rejoice. Elena and Sloane released Clifford the Big Red Ball over some made-up Russian city and the land it did go postal. Vaughn sucked it up and finally asked Sydney to marry him and the land it did go, "JUST SAY YES ALREADY, DAMMIT." Spy Mommy, Spy Daddy, Spy Barbie, Spy Skipper, and Spy Fiancé teamed up to take down the Clifford, and the land it did go, "Hell YEAH!"
We begin where we left off at the end of the last episode, with the Plane of Spy Family Reunions booking towards Clifford the Big Red Ball. Everyone drops out of the plane and zooms toward the Nerf Ball of Death. They land without incident in a ravaged part of the city. Cars are left abandoned, some are on fire, alarms are blaring and it looks like absolutely no one is around. The Spy Family wanders around, looking terribly attractive in their all-black ensembles. Jack comments that the DSR is supposed to be there to meet them, but there's no sign of them. He barks at no one in particular that they should contact the Apple Store, and then he just picks up his phone and makes the call himself. Way to delegate, Master and Commander.
At the Apple Store, Marshall comes careening around a corner, shouting that Jack's on sat-comm. Weiss picks up and asks Jack what the situation is. Jack says they're at the rendezvous point, waiting on the DSR team. They're giving the DSR dudes another five minutes, and then they're moving on. Jack asks about the Russians, and Weiss informs him that a coalition has been formed to put pressure on the Russians to call off the air strike, but unfortunately, no luck. "They do understand that destroying the device with conventional explosives will cause enough toxic fallout to make Chernobyl look like a kitchen fire?" snits Jack. Heh. Weiss says the official position of the Russians is that they're not buying it. This gives the Spy Family approximately two hours to dismantle the thing and get the hell out of there. Syd comes up and tells Jack that the DSR is just a couple blocks away. Jack basically hangs up on Weiss. Heh.
Marshall geeks at Weiss that he can hack into the military satellite system and bring down the Russian bombs. Weiss is all, oh, sure, dude. And while you're at it, why not break a few billion international laws? Marshall's all, honey? There's a toxic red marble hovering above an innocent city; now is not the time to grow a moral backbone, mmm-kay? Weiss is all, that is TOTALLY a good point. Go to it, Little Geeky One! Hee.
Elena's Bunker of Bitchiness. One of her rather unattractively swarthy henchmen arrives and informs Elena that "it" is operational. I'm assuming he means Clifford. He's notified their cells and they're right on schedule. Elena tip-taps something into one of her many Dells of Death and Destruction and then turns to Sloane. "It won't be long before you see her again," sneers Elena. She goes on to say that Nadia will make them proud. Sloane looks distinctly grossed out for some reason.
Back outside, the Spy Family follows the DSR's signal and when they arrive at the point it's transmitting from, they see that it's actually coming from the wristwatch that's still attached to the arm that's NOT attached to the body it originally came with. Nice. Jack orders everyone to keep moving. There's a crash from around the corner and everyone draws their guns. Robert Patrick Benedict from Felicity peeks around the corner, his gun drawn. Just for the record, I never watched Felicity, so I had no idea who he was, and I had no idea that the hole in the ear thing that comes up in a minute was an inside joke and I just thank my stars that Sars knew all about him because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to tell you all about this lack of knowledge that is, quite frankly, slightly more interesting than this part of the episode.
Aaaaanyway, it's RPB and he's playing a DSR agent. Vaughn asks what happened here, and RPB tells him that the tranq guns they're holding aren't going to do them any good against the infected. Way to not answer the question, Robert. Later, as they're all weaponing up, RPB fills them in on the infected, telling them that they're like rabid dogs and they travel in packs. No, that doesn't make any sense. But neither has half this season, and that hasn't stopped us from watching it, now has it? RPB is the last living member of his team. He has no idea how many infected are out there; could be hundreds, could be thousands. For those of us in the cheap seats with hearing aids and light-blocking glasses on, RPB repeats that the water supply was tainted and Clifford is putting out a subaudible signal. Anyone within the radius of the signal who drank the water has been physiologically altered. Nadia asks if they're just going to shoot them all. RPB is all, uh, DUH. Unless you feel like joining them for a small snack, and by small snack, I mean your LEFT ARM, I'd suggest you shoot to kill, querida.
RPB goes on to say that once you're infected, there's no reversing the symptoms and there is no cure. Guess they'd better watch out for wayward needles loaded with brackish orchid water, huh? Jack asks about Clifford, and RPB tells him that the epicenter is four miles west, over the Oransky Building. Jack surmises that the control center for the device should be located on the rooftop. RPB says that he's already taken out the city's power grid, but the device just keeps running. Nadia pipes up that Irina will know how to bring it down safely. That's when RPB looks over at Irina and is suddenly all, dude? Irina Derevko? NO WAY. DUDE. DUUUUUUUDE. Irina just barely glances at him and then says that the power source to the device has been modified and they need to get to the roof of that building. RPB says they can't drive 'cuz of the gridlock. Syd suggests the subway system; even though the power's down, there should be an emergency battery system to power up the carzzzzzz -- oops. Excuse me. I'd forgotten how boring this part of the episode kind of is. RPB says that going into the subway system is like signing their death warrant, what with the angry red-eyed zombies and no light source and everything. Syd doesn't care; they're still going. Everyone heads off to the tunnels. Swarthy Henchman gets on the horn to Elena and informs her that the Bristows have landed.
Elena, back in her lair, blathers something about how nothing can stop them now. Sloane, basically ignoring her, just readies his gun and declares that he'll lead the assault team and go after the Von Bristow Family Singers. Elena orders Sloane to bring Nadia back and give her the option to join them. Sloane's all, uh, DUH. What'd you think I was going to do, shoot her? Dumb bitch, I'm saving that for later! Sloane leaves with his team of henchmen.
We now return to our regularly scheduled Sean and Marshall Show! Marshall can't hack into the satellite system because it's too secure. Unless they have a valid access code, this isn't going to work. Weiss is all, fine! Get an access code! Marshall's all, dude! Only Russian military officials have access codes! Weiss, his hair charmingly disheveled, is all, fine! Let's think about this! What would Jack do in this situation? They should have bracelets made up with that motto on them. "WWJD." I think they'd be a big hit. Oh. Wait. "Well, first he'd probably glower a bit," says Marshall. "Then he'd probably blackmail or torture somebody, right?" Hee. True. So true. Suddenly, light on yonder dorkus breaks. Marshall screeches out of the room and heads directly for the Blackwell Index. Weiss is all, I thought Sloane turned the Blackwell Index over to Langley? Marshall's all, he didn't. It's complicated. Could you get me another vat of caffeine? I don't think I'm AWAKE enough. Seriously. Marshall's fairly well jangling with java juice.
Marshall locates the name of a Russian military dude and says that if they get the right dirt on this guy, he'll be begging to give them the code. Weiss is all, what's this guy into? Marshall's all, let's take a look, shall we? He brings up a file, and all we hear as they look at the laptop is a man kind of grunting and a woman kind of laughing and Marshall's face is like, "DAMN," and Weiss's face is like, "EW," and Marshall's all, dude, what IS THAT and Weiss is all, is that a GOAT? And then Weiss turns his head to the side, almost hanging it upside down, and he just says, "Wow." HEE. One of the most enjoyable parts of the episode, if you don't mind my saying so. Weiss immediately gets on the horn to Jack and tells him about what they're doing. Jack tells the rest of the team. Yes, it's just that interesting.
Jack quips something to Irina about how her fellow countrymen are stubborn and she's all, yeah, well, we just like to believe we can control our fates. But you've never believed in fate or destiny, have you? Jack's all, oh, sure I have! About as much as I believe in horoscopes and the tooth fairy! Oh, and fortune cookies! I love those! Just then, a horse whinnies in the distance and Irina turns to look. A beautiful white horse walks through the streets, the red light from above making it look like it's red instead of white. I'm only half-surprised that it's not a damn unicorn. Irina says, "Rambaldi wrote, 'When blood-red horses roam the streets and angels fall from the sky, the Chosen One and The Passenger will clash. And only one of them will survive.'" And it's a testament to the talent and gravitas of Lena Olin that this line comes across as anything but hilarious.
"You really are through the looking glass, aren't you?" Jack says to her. "When I see angels fall from the sky, I'll start to worry." Then I'd start worrying right about now, Jack, seeing as the Family Bristow could very well be considered the aforementioned angels in this scenario. Irina can't shake the feeling that tonight one of her daughters will perish. Jack may have a snarky comment for this announcement as well, but we don't get to hear it because RPB has found the entrance to the subway system. He gets to work on the lock as Sydney comments, "Looks like that ear healed up pretty nicely." "Yeah," he smiles, "and if you, uh, plan on putting any more holes in me? Just go ahead and tell me now. All right?" I'm sure she'd tell you, Robert. Unfortunately, the zombie on the other side of the gate isn't so courteous. He just runs Robert through with a big pipe and boom, the cameo, she is over. Everyone shoots the shit out of the zombie and it takes several rounds to bring him down. Robert uses his last dying breaths to tell everyone to go and end this madness! The Spy Family moves into the subway system.
And now is the time on Alias when we fire up the nuclear-fueled bong and attempt to get through at least the first half of this episode without falling asleep just so we can get to the last half that is at least a little more exciting…
Once below ground, Nadia and Syd are greeted by a dead guy and the switching room. Syd tells Jack that they'll set green lines all the way down the line. Jack, on a subway car, says that it'll take a few minutes to get the power rejiggered and then he asks Vaughn how the brakes are coming. Vaughn, below the car with Irina, says the brakes are seized up, but they're working on it. If they bleed the brake fluid, they should be able to free the brakes, but they'll have no manual stopping power. Nadia pipes up that they can set the track switch at the Oransky station to trigger an emergency stop, so that shouldn't be a problem. Jack tells everyone to be careful out there.
Below the car, Irina tells Vaughn that he shouldn't wait. Vaughn's all, for what? Irina's all, dude. I saw the ring. Vaughn's all, yeah. You know what? You killed my father. I'm not really into listening to any advice you might have to offer, mmm-kay? Also? I don't have to ask for your blessings. Irina's all, yeah, well, I'm giving them anyway. Along with some advice. Vaughn sneers, "Marital advice from you. Wonderful. Like what? Don't betray your spouse?" Heh. "Yeah, that'd be one of 'em," quips Irina. Heh heh. She goes on to say that some secrets are acceptable between a husband and a wife. "However," she says, "your activities are not." D'oh. He's all, huh? Whuh? She's all, yeah, you're not as covert as you'd like to think, babe. "Consider my life an object lesson," she says. "If you don't want to end up like Jack and me, tell Sydney the truth." Oh, that will NOT end well.
Back with Syd and Nadia, they set the switches and don't immediately get all green lights. Looks like they have to set the switches manually. Nadia sighs heavily. "You still feeling it too?" asks Syd. "Like something awful is going to happen," says Nadia. Well, there's a big red orb hanging in the sky and the city's filled with psycho zombies, isn't that enough awfulness for ya? Syd thinks this is the prime time to tell her sister that Vaughn asked her to marry him. Nadia thinks this is awesome. "I'm sure there are plenty of brides who want to kill their maid of honor," says Syd. "I'm not one of them." I took this to mean that even though the stupid prophecy has them killing one another, Syd's not buying into it because she wouldn't kill her own sister. I could be off on this, but at this point, I just want to get to the part where Jack starts making jokes while torturing Elena. Syd says she'll take the switch in front and Nadia can take the switch in back and the sisters head off to do their thing.
Apple Store. Weiss is speaking truly horrific Russian on the phone as Marshall listens in. Marshall's running a translator program so that Weiss can interpret what the Russian dude is saying and then respond in kind. "We are needing your codes of MILSAT network…" says Weiss, butchering whatever language it is that the program is attempting to translate. Heh. The Russian dude is all, man, your Russian sucks. Now bugger off. I have no time for you. "Whatever, I wrote this program in five minutes, you perv!" Marshall hisses with his hand over the mouthpiece. Hee! Weiss just angrily switches to English and tells the Russian that they need his MILSAT codes, NOW. Failure to hand them over will result in Weiss sending the dirty photos to every major news organization on the planet. The Russian is all, one, I have no idea what you're talking about, and B, I'm running a trace on this call. "Great!" says Weiss. "I look forward to meeting you! Hey, listen, while I've got you on the phone, maybe you can tell me something -- what's the significance of the green balloons?" Hee! There's this pause and then the Russian just caves and gives up his code. "Now, if those photos should ever --" the Russian begins. "Oh, sure thing Minister," snits Weiss. "Or should I call you [bad Russian accent] 'cowboy'?" HA! Giggling, he and Marshall get off the phone and head off to enter the codes.
Back on the train car, Jack hears a cell phone buzzing. By the way, as he hears this, the closed captioning keeps transcribing the subway sounds and they're totally hilarious. They're like, "BI-BOM-BOM-BOMMMMMM. BI-BOM-BI-BOMMMMMMMMM." At the same time, they're transcribing the phone sounds as, "RING-DING-DING!" Heh. I have no idea whose job it was to transcribe those sounds, but I totally love that person more than I can say. Jack finds the phone on one of the corpses in the car and he picks up. It's a woman, looking for someone named Leonid. Jack, without any emotion, just says, "I'm sorry. Leonid is dead." Nice. Why not just let the phone ring, dude? He hangs up, and there really is no other point to the scene. Except for the closed captioning. Which really rocks my world.
Apple Store. Marshall enters the code and it's good; they're in. Marshall then discovers that someone's trying to uplink an encrypted broadcast connection from Sevogda to the Russian network. Weiss wonders aloud why Elena would be trying to broadcast on a closed network. Marshall scrambles to find out. Back with the Bristows & Son, Vaughn and Irina enter the car and Vaughn tells Jack that as soon as they restore power, they'll be good to go. Jack futzes with the battery while we catch up with Nadia, who's heading to do her part of the manual switch thing. She finds the switch and does something to it and back in the train car, the power goes on. Just as quickly, it goes off. The Strings of Something Bad Is About to Happen kick into overdrive. Nadia does something else and the power comes on and, as Syd enters the train, it stays on. Irina asks where Nadia is and Syd's all, whuh? She isn't back yet? Oops!
As Nadia messes with the switch, we hear screaming in the darkness and that can only mean one thing: the zombies are in the hizzouse! Vaughn shouts at Nadia to get the hell out of there. The train fires up and starts moving just as the Zombie Crew comes a-runnin'. Nadia shoots at a bunch of the Crew and then starts running for the train. And running. And zombies. And more running. And more zombies. And shooting. And running. And zombies. Syd yells at her dad to stop the train, but he can't. Nadia makes it to the train and reaches for Syd's outstretched hand, only to miss it by a fraction of an inch. She falls behind and it looks like the zombies have her as she drops to the ground. They pile on her like a rabid pit bull on a piece of raw sirloin. Syd screams and is about to go after her sister, but Vaughn pulls her back. I wouldn't worry about Nadia, though. She still has to come back as the Red-Eyed Menace later in the show, so she probably survives those nasty old zombies.
The train rides toward Oransky station just as Sloane and his Band of Unmerry Men arrive with guns a-totin'. Irina tells Sydney that Nadia is alive. Sydney doesn't respond. Sloane and his men get to the station and suddenly, Sloane fires up his machine gun and mows them all down. When the train screeches into the station and the doors open up, there stands Sloane, surrounded by a dozen dead bodies. He says that these were all Elena's men, sent here to kill the Bristows. "I suppose you're expecting a thank you," snits Jack. "There's no time for sarcasm, Jack," says Sloane. Oh, there's always time for sarcasm, you silly little man! Especially at moments like these!
Sloane says that Elena's men have already primed the world's drinking water and no one else can stop her. If they don't get to her within the couple of hours…Syd's all, oh, shut up. You expect us to believe you? Sloane's totally pissed off. He's like, look, you spoiled little twit, I allied myself with Elena in order to put a stop to this and I wanted to shoulder the risk myself. But she's built in some security devices and I haven't had enough time to figure them out. Jack's all, talk to the hand, because the head ain't listening. Sloane's all, how about you knock that chip off your shoulder and do what I say? He launches into an elaborate description of what they're going to do, but before he can finish, Jack just clocks him and he goes down for the count. Heh. "You're no longer in charge of this team," Jack grits. Hee. I'll say.
Apple Store. Weiss gets on the horn and tells Jack that they think Elena's trying to uplink to the Russian MILSAT network. Syd wants to know why. Marshall says that it's a subaudible signal, below the range of human hearing, and it's the same frequency being used by Clifford. "She's using the Russian satellite network to distribute that frequency worldwide," he finishes. Jack sums up that if Elena succeeds, then the chaos and death they're seeing in Sevogda will start happening worldwide, due to the global water supply being tainted. Marshall says that the instant the Russians scramble their bombers, the satellite network is going to go online and the minute that happens, the signal is going to be broadcast. Elena has counted on the Russian air strike all along. Syd asks how much time they have and Marshall tells them forty minutes, give or take.
Irina says, again, that they need to get to the roof of the building and shut down the device. Jack asks Marshall to send them thermal scans of the building. No can do; Clifford is causing too much interference. The best he can do is get them building blueprints. He sends them to Vaughn and Vaughn downloads them onto his PDA. Jack orders the boys to notify Angela Bassett of the current situation, and Weiss wishes them all luck. "Likewise," says Jack. He turns to Sloane and snaps that he's going to help them get inside the Oransky building. Sloane's all, yeah, yeah, yeah. When are we gonna get to the part where I shoot my daughter? He says he can get them up to the roof easily because Elena left it unguarded, which is certainly what I'd do if I had a big-ass toxic ball hovering above it. Sloane goes on to say that once they disable the device, the toxins that are inside will dissipate into the atmosphere. "What you're talking about is a suicide mission," says Sloane. "Just get me to that roof," says Irina, again, some more. "I can cut the wire to the relay -- reverse the ionization. Aside from the impact, the water will be harmless." Ohhhhkaaaay.
Sloane says he'll take them, but Elena changed the wiring scheme because nothing on Alias is done easily. "In that case," says Irina, "take me to my sister." He says he will. And then he asks where Nadia is. Funny you should ask that, Sloane, because she's not dead, as we all most certainly knew she wasn't. She's fighting tooth and nail (and limb and boot and probably gun) against the Zombie Crew. Somehow, even though it had appeared that she was being eaten alive by them before, she's managed to shoot all of them dead and run off. Not so feisty, these zombies. She can't contact the team, however, because all she hears is static, probably due to Clifford. She heads above ground and walks the lonely streets of flame. She comes upon a fallen stone angel on the ground. Is that one of the angels referred to in the prophecy? Who knows? All we know is that there's a man in a doorway and he's injured and Nadia, ever the compassionate Nurse Florence, heads right over to help him. Too bad he turns out to be Elena's Swarthy Henchman. Methinks she would have fared better with the Zombie Crew.
The Swarthy Henchman takes her right to his leader. Elena straps her to a chair and proceeds to yammer on about children and how much she loves Nadia and thought of her as her daughter. Yeah, right. Elena says Nadia can either embrace her anger and hate her, or she can join her. One guess which option Nadia chooses. "You're right," says Nadia, a single tear dropping out of her eye. "I see my future. Two minutes from now…I see myself killing you." Heh. Elena doesn't like this answer, so she smacks the hell out of her former ward. "The only reason you want me on your side," says Nadia, "is because you believe I'm the one to stop Sydney Bristow. But she's my sister. You're nothing to me." Elena's all, yeah, sorry you feel that way. How 'bout a little drink of water? She heads over to a box and pulls out a syringe and fills it from a vial. "I will never betray my sister," breathes Nadia. "We'll see," says Elena, sticking Nadia in the neck with the needle as she screams bloody murder.
Beneath the building, Sydney walks past her parents and Sloane and heads off to do her thing with Clifford. Vaughn runs after her and says that he's going with her. She says it's a one-person job. Vaughn doesn't care. He says she can't outrun the wall of water that Clifford's going to turn into. Oh, and having Captain Non-Courageous along for the ride will make her go faster? "You'll run faster if I'm chasing you," he says. Again, that didn't work so well for y'all before, so I'm not sure why you think it'll work for you now, homie. Syd states that she'll be fine and he's needed in the bunker. Vaughn starts to say something and she just cuts him off. "Don't say it," she says. "I'll see you in a few minutes." "Okay," he says. She starts to walk off, but just as quickly returns. "Just in case: yes," she says. "Yeah?" he says, smiling. "Yeah, I wanna marry you!" she says, crying. He grabs her face and they kiss. Aw. He gives her the ring and she puts it on. Double aw! Of course, it's not so much of an "aw" when you take a good look at the ring and it's quite obviously a damn Rambaldi symbol. But Syd doesn't notice and she and Vaughn kiss again and she sniffles and then runs off to save the world.
Apple Store. Marshall's on the phone, barking at someone to provide him with a military-grade computer virus or something. I have no idea. My guess is that Marshall's still trying to hack into MILSAT and save the world. Weiss asks if he's close to a solution and Marshall's all, dude? Not really a good question to ask right now, okay? Weiss is all, hey li'l buddy, don't blame yourself; this system was designed to survive World War III. Weiss goes on to say that he just got off the phone with his pal at the secret service and they've initiated the Continuity Of Government Protocol. This basically means that the Pres and all other important heads of state are being evacuated to underground command centers. The end of the world, she is nigh. Weiss quips that somewhere, in the back of his mind, he figured he'd be on the list, but he isn't. "Yeah," says Marshall. "It's kind of like high school all over again. All the cool kids are having a party and I'm not invited." Heh. He picks up his phone and calls his wife. "Hi, honey. I don't -- I don't have a lot of time. I just…I just wanted to tell you I love you. I don't get to tell you that often enough. What? No, I haven't been drinking! I'm just gonna be home early tonight, okay? Bye." Aw. And heh.
Elena's Bunker of Bitchiness. Swarthy Henchman tells Elena that the Russian bombers are taxiing to the runway, and once MILSAT goes online, the signal will be broadcast worldwide. You know, in case we missed that part before. Sloane appears on a video monitor toting a bloody body and Swarthy Henchman goes to let him in. The door opens, and Vaughn reveals himself as the bloody body and easily takes the henchman out with one shot. He and Sloane enter, followed by Jack and Irina. Elena runs out and stops when she sees them. Way to be prepared, o dreamer of world domination. "Hello, sis," says Irina. Heh. "Ever since you were eleven, there's something I've wanted to do." "You woul--" WHAM! Irina whaps her with the butt of her machine gun. Hee! Nice. The rest of the team moves in to take care of business.
Sloane grabs Elena and starts strapping her to a chair. Jack moves to the Dells of Death and Destruction and determines that they can't retract the signal from there; Vaughn has to go to the relay room and destroy it. Meanwhile, up on the Red-Hued Roof of Rage, Syd goes to do her part for humanity. She walks up right under the ball and sees the huge Mueller Device above her, spinning and glowing. She goes over to the box with the billions of wires. Just then, Nadia walks up. Syd's all, hey, sis! I thought you were dead! Good to see -- oh. Uh. Nadia? I hate to say this, but you look a little stoned. Can I get you some Visine or, um, saline solution? Damn, girl. What is WRONG with you? Nadia moves toward Sydney like a zombie bent on destruction, which is, um, what she is at this particular moment in time.
Syd tries reasoning with her sister, saying her name and pretending like Nadia isn't infected with red evil. Jack gets on the horn and asks his daughter what's happening. Syd's all, uh, well, the thing is…Nadia's kind of…evil? And she's guarding the device. Sloane tells Elena that this is all her doing. Well, duh. Jack tells Syd to take Nadia out. Syd doesn't want to. She's her sister, after all. Irina says that Nadia's not her sister anymore. "I know," says Syd, moving closer to the Red-Eyed Menace.
After the break, Sydney and her sister engage in the most Mediocre Girl Fight Ever. Okay, it's not that bad. But after the Sydney and Francinator fight, nothing can really compare, can it? Kicking. Hitting. Pleading. Nadia grabs Sydney by the throat, attempting to choke the life out of her. Her eyes are truly gross, y'all. Syd breaks free and they proceed to kick and hit and jump and shoot at or near each other. Downstairs, Vaughn blows the relay, but the signal's still going strong. "I've planned this for five years," hisses Elena. "Don't you think I've accounted for every possibility?" Suddenly, Irina asks Vaughn if Sloane's with him. He isn't. Irina orders him to get to the roof right now.
Back on the roof, the fight continues. Vaughn runs and runs. Syd and Nadia fight and fight. Syd manages to wrangle the gun and drop the bullet cartridge to the ground, leaving one bullet in the chamber. She gets away from her sister, only to have Nadia fire and skim Syd's cheek. Nadia keeps firing the gun, unaware that there are no more bullets. Syd delivers a nice sweeping body kick to her sister and Nadia goes down. Vaughn's still running. Yeah. He totally would have outrun the water, Syd! It's only taking him FOREVER to get to the damn roof! Syd grabs a chain and sort of wraps it around Nadia's wrist, which…yeah. Don't know how well that's gonna hold a bloodthirsty zombie, Sydney.
Sydney runs over to the wire box and calls her mom. Irina asks if Syd sees the master circuit board and Syd says she sees lots of boards. Irina says the right board is the one closest to the power supply; Syd should trace the ground wire, which will lead her to the Nightingale coil. Syd gets it and removes the board, revealing the coil. Irina says there should be two wires coming out of there, one black, one yellow. Wrong, says Syd. Elena changed them out. One wire's blue, the other white. Irina tells her daughter to hold on. Hold on? HOLD ON? She's only saving the world, MOM.
Downstairs, Irina calmly moves over to her sister as Jack follows. "I'll give you one chance to do the right thing," says Irina. "Not that you were ever any good at that." Heh. "Which wire?" Elena just says it's useless and then repeats that thing about how when the signal's broadcast, the world will become one giant zombie playground. Yeah. I fail to see how this makes things BETTER for Elena, but whatever. I mean, really. Turning the whole world into a bunch of deranged mindless flesh-eating zombies? What makes her think they won't eat her ass along with everyone else? I just…yeah. Anyway. Elena declares that no matter how Irina tortures her, she'll hold out at least until the signal is broadcast. "I'm not going to torture you," says Irina, smiling. "I'm gonna let him do it." She nods to Jack. "And he really doesn't care for you. Especially after you tricked him into killing me. One thing you should know about Jack: he hates being anybody's puppet." Heh. Elena suddenly gets this nervous look on her face as Jack heads over to the box with the syringe in it.
"I'm actually hoping you don't tell us what we need to know," he quips, loading up the syringe with orchid water. Hee. "There's a 50/50 chance Sydney cuts the right wire," he says, walking back over to her. "I'm willing to take that chance, if it means I can stand here and watch you turn into an animal." Elena tries to buy herself some time by saying that Jack's not a gambling man. "I didn't use to be," he says, "but it's been a rather interesting year for me. It's made me reevaluate certain parts of my life. I'm trying to have…more fun these days." HEE! He grabs Elena and sticks her in the neck with the syringe. "Wait!" she gasps before he can hit the plunger. "How do I know you won't inject me anyway?" "You don't," he sneers. He draws some blood back into the syringe, ready to send her to Zombieland. "White!" she yells. "Tell her to cut the white wire!" Jack turns to Irina just as Irina pulls out her gun and puts a bullet right between her sister's eyes. Heh. Okay. Anti-climactic, but still funny as hell. "Sydney?" she says. "Cut the blue wire. And then run like hell. You have fifteen seconds before the ball bursts." "Copy that," says Syd. "Cutting the blue wire -- AAUUUGGH!"
Nadia's appeared behind her with that trusty chain and now she's choking the hell out of her sister with it. Syd can't get free and Nadia doesn't even seem to notice what she's doing. Syd's about to pass out when POW! Sloane appears and shoots his own daughter (or Jack's -- hee) in the chest. The shot is high and to the right, but it's still a chest shot. Nadia goes down. Syd coughs and sees Sloane before her. "I had no choice," he says. Syd moves to the box again as Vaughn FINALLY makes it to the roof. He yells at her that they have to go. She tells Vaughn to get Nadia into the elevator. He picks her up and states that she's still breathing. Syd moves back to the wires and quickly cuts the blue wire. Clifford shakes and shudders as the circuitry shuts down. Syd runs to the elevator. Sloane and Vaughn are already inside. Sloane's cradling Nadia in his lap. "She's bleeding out!" he yells. Vaughn goes to put pressure on the wound. Y'all? Someone hit the damn bunker floor button and get the hell out of there, would ya?
Just then, Clifford delivers its final shudder and the water comes cascading down over the building. "The device is coming apart," says Syd. Well, DUH. The elevator shoots down the shaft as the water chases after it. It grinds into the bunker and they run off with the water chasing after them, just like it did in the old days. Do they make it to the safe area? Why, of course they do! They shut the door behind them just as the water crashes into it, shaking the very foundations of the building.
After yet another commercial break, we return to the Apple Store, where Weiss and Marshall are trying desperately to contact their team. Weiss asks Marshall what the status of the building is, and Marshall brings up the feed. "It's not there anymore," he says in disbelief. Weiss looks like his puppy just died. Back in the streets of Sevogda, Vaughn's trying to transmit their status and request evac and med support. He launches a smoke signal as Jack walks over to his wife. "We both know how this is supposed to play out," she says. "You bring me back to the States, turn me over to your superiors…" He looks at her. "On foot, you could reach the border by daybreak," he says. Hee! "What about the agency?" she asks. "What would you tell them?" "Well," he says, "I think they know -- no one can hold onto Irina Derevko for too long." Aw. She smiles at him and they share what I hope is not their final kiss.
Irina turns to Sydney. "Take care of your sister," she says. Syd says she will. Irina moves closer to her daughter. "Three years ago, when I told you you were the Chosen One, that only you could take down the greatest evil, I know your mind must have been overwhelmed with confusion. But tonight you should recognize that you've done just that. I'm so proud of you." She kisses Sydney on the forehead and Syd thanks her. Irina walks off, but turns back. "Sydney? You may not see me on your wedding day…but I'll see you." And with that, Irina smiles and walks off to her freedom. Come back, Irina! COME BACK!
Hell-Lay. Sloane's in a cell, hands clasped, thinking about his future as someone's prison bitch. Sydney walks up and Sloane jumps to his feet, asking about Nadia. Syd says her vitals are stable and they're keeping her under sedation until they can find an antidote for her condition. Sloane then asks about the survivors and Syd states that there are none; every last resident of Sevogda has been executed. Sloane isn't surprised. "It's because of me…because of my choices," he says. "I've hurt the most precious thing in my life." "We'll get her back," says Syd. "Whatever it takes, we'll find a cure." The door buzzes open. Syd's arranged for Sloane to see Nadia. "I didn't think I would ever say this," she says, "but I believe you were trying to do the right thing." "Thank you," he says, his voice deep with regret. The guards escort him out as we go to the most fucked-up and awesome cliffhanger I've ever had the pleasure of seeing.
Santa Barbara. Right there, that oughta be a clue that this ain't gonna end well. Never go to Santa Barbara, Vaughn! NEVER! As "Lay Lady Lay" by Bob Dylan shmaltzes across the soundtrack, we follow Vaughn's obviously-not-purchased-on-a-government-employee's-salary green Jaguar along a hillside. Inside the car, Syd's sporting her Rambaldi Ring and kissing Vaughn's hand. Her hair is distinctly Elektra-fied, which is another sign of the coming badness. Her hair is never wavy when things are good. They smile at each other and Syd glories in her Rambaldi Ring and all is happy and cuddly in the World of Watch Out 'Cuz Something BAD Is About To Happen.
"I had a thought," says Syd. "What if we just blow off the big wedding thing? What if we just do it on the beach?" Yes, what if you just do it on the beach? I'd imagine you'd get sand in rather interesting places, hm? "I like it," says Vaughn. "Barefoot on the beach. You'd look sexy as hell. But wait -- what about your dad? He doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd be okay with sand between his toes." No. No, he does not. He also doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd appreciate being excluded from his only daughter's wedding. "That's true," says Syd. "So…we won't invite him." What'd I just say about Jack missing his daughter's wedding? WHAT'D I JUST SAY?
Syd wants to know what would happen if they just eloped. Vaughn asks if she's serious. She is. "All right," he says, "we'll elope." Syd can't believe she got away with that so easily. "Have I told you that I love you?" she says. "Yeah," he says. "But go ahead and tell me again." "I love you," she says. He sighs deeply. "I love you too." "I know," she says. "Say it again." "I love you, Syd," he says, obviously gearing up for something huge. "That's why I need to tell you something." Oh, no. "Just so there's no secrets between us." "Okay," she says. "Whatever it is, I can handle it. Just don't tell me you're a bad guy." Uh. In that case…Vaughn doesn't respond. "You're not a bad guy, are you?" says Syd, starting to panic. Now would be a good time to panic, I think. "I guess that depends on who you ask," he says. "Vaughn --" "It's from a long time ago," he says. "From before we met. Actually, it's the reason we met. It's no accident that I was the one you came to when you walked into the CIA with your story about SD-6." Oh, man. "What --" says Syd. "I don't understand. Vaughn, what're you telling me?" "Well," he says, "for starters, my name isn't Michael Vaughn." WHAT? Syd pulls back, and WHAM! A car crashes right into the side of them and BLACKOUT.
BLACKOUT? BLACKOUT? "My name isn't Michael Vaughn" and BLACKOUT??? What the? How the? AND I WAS PREDICTING SEASON FIVE WOULD SUCK DONKEY BALLS. Oh, man. All I can say is, since my trusty sidekick Wendy Kroy hasn't watched the last ten episodes of the season, he wasn't able to join me in the viewing of this total FUCKWITTEDNESS, but one second after the car crashed into Syd and Vaughn, my phone rang and this is the conversation that occurred:
Sars: Dude.
Erin: Duuuude.
Sars: What. The. Fuck.
Erin: I. Don't. Know.
Sars: But…DUUUUUUUDE.
Erin: I know, dude. THE FUCK?
Sars: I…dude?
Erin: Dude. Just…dude.
Sars: See? Uh. I.
Erin: With the. In the. How the.
Sars: Dude?
Erin: Dude.
Sars: And, in case it hasn't been said enough: DUDE.
Erin: Totally.
Thank you for joining us for the closing installment of I Suffered Through Major Portions of this Season, And All I Got Was This Lousy NotVaughn T-shirt. Join us season when we will proceed to go, whhhaaaaaaa?
Dude? Dude.