Before the Flood

Previously on Alias: Irina was discovered to be alive, and the land it did rejoice. Elena and Sloane released Clifford the Big Red Ball over some made-up Russian city and the land it did go postal. Vaughn sucked it up and finally asked Sydney to marry him and the land it did go, "JUST SAY YES ALREADY, DAMMIT." Spy Mommy, Spy Daddy, Spy Barbie, Spy Skipper, and Spy Fianc� teamed up to take down the Clifford, and the land it did go, "Hell YEAH!"

We begin where we left off at the end of the last episode, with the Plane of Spy Family Reunions booking towards Clifford the Big Red Ball. Everyone drops out of the plane and zooms toward the Nerf Ball of Death. They land without incident in a ravaged part of the city. Cars are left abandoned, some are on fire, alarms are blaring and it looks like absolutely no one is around. The Spy Family wanders around, looking terribly attractive in their all-black ensembles. Jack comments that the DSR is supposed to be there to meet them, but there's no sign of them. He barks at no one in particular that they should contact the Apple Store, and then he just picks up his phone and makes the call himself. Way to delegate, Master and Commander.

At the Apple Store, Marshall comes careening around a corner, shouting that Jack's on sat-comm. Weiss picks up and asks Jack what the situation is. Jack says they're at the rendezvous point, waiting on the DSR team. They're giving the DSR dudes another five minutes, and then they're moving on. Jack asks about the Russians, and Weiss informs him that a coalition has been formed to put pressure on the Russians to call off the air strike, but unfortunately, no luck. "They do understand that destroying the device with conventional explosives will cause enough toxic fallout to make Chernobyl look like a kitchen fire?" snits Jack. Heh. Weiss says the official position of the Russians is that they're not buying it. This gives the Spy Family approximately two hours to dismantle the thing and get the hell out of there. Syd comes up and tells Jack that the DSR is just a couple blocks away. Jack basically hangs up on Weiss. Heh.

Marshall geeks at Weiss that he can hack into the military satellite system and bring down the Russian bombs. Weiss is all, oh, sure, dude. And while you're at it, why not break a few billion international laws? Marshall's all, honey? There's a toxic red marble hovering above an innocent city; now is not the time to grow a moral backbone, mmm-kay? Weiss is all, that is TOTALLY a good point. Go to it, Little Geeky One! Hee.

Elena's Bunker of Bitchiness. One of her rather unattractively swarthy henchmen arrives and informs Elena that "it" is operational. I'm assuming he means Clifford. He's notified their cells and they're right on schedule. Elena tip-taps something into one of her many Dells of Death and Destruction and then turns to Sloane. "It won't be long before you see her again," sneers Elena. She goes on to say that Nadia will make them proud. Sloane looks distinctly grossed out for some reason.

Back outside, the Spy Family follows the DSR's signal and when they arrive at the point it's transmitting from, they see that it's actually coming from the wristwatch that's still attached to the arm that's NOT attached to the body it originally came with. Nice. Jack orders everyone to keep moving. There's a crash from around the corner and everyone draws their guns. Robert Patrick Benedict from Felicity peeks around the corner, his gun drawn. Just for the record, I never watched Felicity, so I had no idea who he was, and I had no idea that the hole in the ear thing that comes up in a minute was an inside joke and I just thank my stars that Sars knew all about him because otherwise I wouldn't have been able to tell you all about this lack of knowledge that is, quite frankly, slightly more interesting than this part of the episode.

Aaaaanyway, it's RPB and he's playing a DSR agent. Vaughn asks what happened here, and RPB tells him that the tranq guns they're holding aren't going to do them any good against the infected. Way to not answer the question, Robert. Later, as they're all weaponing up, RPB fills them in on the infected, telling them that they're like rabid dogs and they travel in packs. No, that doesn't make any sense. But neither has half this season, and that hasn't stopped us from watching it, now has it? RPB is the last living member of his team. He has no idea how many infected are out there; could be hundreds, could be thousands. For those of us in the cheap seats with hearing aids and light-blocking glasses on, RPB repeats that the water supply was tainted and Clifford is putting out a subaudible signal. Anyone within the radius of the signal who drank the water has been physiologically altered. Nadia asks if they're just going to shoot them all. RPB is all, uh, DUH. Unless you feel like joining them for a small snack, and by small snack, I mean your LEFT ARM, I'd suggest you shoot to kill, querida.

RPB goes on to say that once you're infected, there's no reversing the symptoms and there is no cure. Guess they'd better watch out for wayward needles loaded with brackish orchid water, huh? Jack asks about Clifford, and RPB tells him that the epicenter is four miles west, over the Oransky Building. Jack surmises that the control center for the device should be located on the rooftop. RPB says that he's already taken out the city's power grid, but the device just keeps running. Nadia pipes up that Irina will know how to bring it down safely. That's when RPB looks over at Irina and is suddenly all, dude? Irina Derevko? NO WAY. DUDE. DUUUUUUUDE. Irina just barely glances at him and then says that the power source to the device has been modified and they need to get to the roof of that building. RPB says they can't drive 'cuz of the gridlock. Syd suggests the subway system; even though the power's down, there should be an emergency battery system to power up the carzzzzzz -- oops. Excuse me. I'd forgotten how boring this part of the episode kind of is. RPB says that going into the subway system is like signing their death warrant, what with the angry red-eyed zombies and no light source and everything. Syd doesn't care; they're still going. Everyone heads off to the tunnels. Swarthy Henchman gets on the horn to Elena and informs her that the Bristows have landed.

Downstairs, Irina calmly moves over to her sister as Jack follows. "I'll give you one chance to do the right thing," says Irina. "Not that you were ever any good at that." Heh. "Which wire?" Elena just says it's useless and then repeats that thing about how when the signal's broadcast, the world will become one giant zombie playground. Yeah. I fail to see how this makes things BETTER for Elena, but whatever. I mean, really. Turning the whole world into a bunch of deranged mindless flesh-eating zombies? What makes her think they won't eat her ass along with everyone else? I justyeah. Anyway. Elena declares that no matter how Irina tortures her, she'll hold out at least until the signal is broadcast. "I'm not going to torture you," says Irina, smiling. "I'm gonna let him do it." She nods to Jack. "And he really doesn't care for you. Especially after you tricked him into killing me. One thing you should know about Jack: he hates being anybody's puppet." Heh. Elena suddenly gets this nervous look on her face as Jack heads over to the box with the syringe in it.

"I'm actually hoping you don't tell us what we need to know," he quips, loading up the syringe with orchid water. Hee. "There's a 50/50 chance Sydney cuts the right wire," he says, walking back over to her. "I'm willing to take that chance, if it means I can stand here and watch you turn into an animal." Elena tries to buy herself some time by saying that Jack's not a gambling man. "I didn't use to be," he says, "but it's been a rather interesting year for me. It's made me reevaluate certain parts of my life. I'm trying to havemore fun these days." HEE! He grabs Elena and sticks her in the neck with the syringe. "Wait!" she gasps before he can hit the plunger. "How do I know you won't inject me anyway?" "You don't," he sneers. He draws some blood back into the syringe, ready to send her to Zombieland. "White!" she yells. "Tell her to cut the white wire!" Jack turns to Irina just as Irina pulls out her gun and puts a bullet right between her sister's eyes. Heh. Okay. Anti-climactic, but still funny as hell. "Sydney?" she says. "Cut the blue wire. And then run like hell. You have fifteen seconds before the ball bursts." "Copy that," says Syd. "Cutting the blue wire -- AAUUUGGH!"

Nadia's appeared behind her with that trusty chain and now she's choking the hell out of her sister with it. Syd can't get free and Nadia doesn't even seem to notice what she's doing. Syd's about to pass out when POW! Sloane appears and shoots his own daughter (or Jack's -- hee) in the chest. The shot is high and to the right, but it's still a chest shot. Nadia goes down. Syd coughs and sees Sloane before her. "I had no choice," he says. Syd moves to the box again as Vaughn FINALLY makes it to the roof. He yells at her that they have to go. She tells Vaughn to get Nadia into the elevator. He picks her up and states that she's still breathing. Syd moves back to the wires and quickly cuts the blue wire. Clifford shakes and shudders as the circuitry shuts down. Syd runs to the elevator. Sloane and Vaughn are already inside. Sloane's cradling Nadia in his lap. "She's bleeding out!" he yells. Vaughn goes to put pressure on the wound. Y'all? Someone hit the damn bunker floor button and get the hell out of there, would ya?

Just then, Clifford delivers its final shudder and the water comes cascading down over the building. "The device is coming apart," says Syd. Well, DUH. The elevator shoots down the shaft as the water chases after it. It grinds into the bunker and they run off with the water chasing after them, just like it did in the old days. Do they make it to the safe area? Why, of course they do! They shut the door behind them just as the water crashes into it, shaking the very foundations of the building.

After yet another commercial break, we return to the Apple Store, where Weiss and Marshall are trying desperately to contact their team. Weiss asks Marshall what the status of the building is, and Marshall brings up the feed. "It's not there anymore," he says in disbelief. Weiss looks like his puppy just died. Back in the streets of Sevogda, Vaughn's trying to transmit their status and request evac and med support. He launches a smoke signal as Jack walks over to his wife. "We both know how this is supposed to play out," she says. "You bring me back to the States, turn me over to your superiors" He looks at her. "On foot, you could reach the border by daybreak," he says. Hee! "What about the agency?" she asks. "What would you tell them?" "Well," he says, "I think they know -- no one can hold onto Irina Derevko for too long." Aw. She smiles at him and they share what I hope is not their final kiss.

Irina turns to Sydney. "Take care of your sister," she says. Syd says she will. Irina moves closer to her daughter. "Three years ago, when I told you you were the Chosen One, that only you could take down the greatest evil, I know your mind must have been overwhelmed with confusion. But tonight you should recognize that you've done just that. I'm so proud of you." She kisses Sydney on the forehead and Syd thanks her. Irina walks off, but turns back. "Sydney? You may not see me on your wedding daybut I'll see you." And with that, Irina smiles and walks off to her freedom. Come back, Irina! COME BACK!

Hell-Lay. Sloane's in a cell, hands clasped, thinking about his future as someone's prison bitch. Sydney walks up and Sloane jumps to his feet, asking about Nadia. Syd says her vitals are stable and they're keeping her under sedation until they can find an antidote for her condition. Sloane then asks about the survivors and Syd states that there are none; every last resident of Sevogda has been executed. Sloane isn't surprised. "It's because of mebecause of my choices," he says. "I've hurt the most precious thing in my life." "We'll get her back," says Syd. "Whatever it takes, we'll find a cure." The door buzzes open. Syd's arranged for Sloane to see Nadia. "I didn't think I would ever say this," she says, "but I believe you were trying to do the right thing." "Thank you," he says, his voice deep with regret. The guards escort him out as we go to the most fucked-up and awesome cliffhanger I've ever had the pleasure of seeing.

Santa Barbara. Right there, that oughta be a clue that this ain't gonna end well. Never go to Santa Barbara, Vaughn! NEVER! As "Lay Lady Lay" by Bob Dylan shmaltzes across the soundtrack, we follow Vaughn's obviously-not-purchased-on-a-government-employee's-salary green Jaguar along a hillside. Inside the car, Syd's sporting her Rambaldi Ring and kissing Vaughn's hand. Her hair is distinctly Elektra-fied, which is another sign of the coming badness. Her hair is never wavy when things are good. They smile at each other and Syd glories in her Rambaldi Ring and all is happy and cuddly in the World of Watch Out 'Cuz Something BAD Is About To Happen.

"I had a thought," says Syd. "What if we just blow off the big wedding thing? What if we just do it on the beach?" Yes, what if you just do it on the beach? I'd imagine you'd get sand in rather interesting places, hm? "I like it," says Vaughn. "Barefoot on the beach. You'd look sexy as hell. But wait -- what about your dad? He doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd be okay with sand between his toes." No. No, he does not. He also doesn't look like the kind of guy who'd appreciate being excluded from his only daughter's wedding. "That's true," says Syd. "Sowe won't invite him." What'd I just say about Jack missing his daughter's wedding? WHAT'D I JUST SAY?

Syd wants to know what would happen if they just eloped. Vaughn asks if she's serious. She is. "All right," he says, "we'll elope." Syd can't believe she got away with that so easily. "Have I told you that I love you?" she says. "Yeah," he says. "But go ahead and tell me again." "I love you," she says. He sighs deeply. "I love you too." "I know," she says. "Say it again." "I love you, Syd," he says, obviously gearing up for something huge. "That's why I need to tell you something." Oh, no. "Just so there's no secrets between us." "Okay," she says. "Whatever it is, I can handle it. Just don't tell me you're a bad guy." Uh. In that caseVaughn doesn't respond. "You're not a bad guy, are you?" says Syd, starting to panic. Now would be a good time to panic, I think. "I guess that depends on who you ask," he says. "Vaughn --" "It's from a long time ago," he says. "From before we met. Actually, it's the reason we met. It's no accident that I was the one you came to when you walked into the CIA with your story about SD-6." Oh, man. "What --" says Syd. "I don't understand. Vaughn, what're you telling me?" "Well," he says, "for starters, my name isn't Michael Vaughn." WHAT? Syd pulls back, and WHAM! A car crashes right into the side of them and BLACKOUT.

BLACKOUT? BLACKOUT? "My name isn't Michael Vaughn" and BLACKOUT??? What the? How the? AND I WAS PREDICTING SEASON FIVE WOULD SUCK DONKEY BALLS. Oh, man. All I can say is, since my trusty sidekick Wendy Kroy hasn't watched the last ten episodes of the season, he wasn't able to join me in the viewing of this total FUCKWITTEDNESS, but one second after the car crashed into Syd and Vaughn, my phone rang and this is the conversation that occurred:

Sars: Dude.
Erin: Duuuude.
Sars: What. The. Fuck.
Erin: I. Don't. Know.
Sars: ButDUUUUUUUDE.
Erin: I know, dude. THE FUCK?
Sars: Idude?
Erin: Dude. Justdude.
Sars: See? Uh. I.
Erin: With the. In the. How the.
Sars: Dude?
Erin: Dude.
Sars: And, in case it hasn't been said enough: DUDE.
Erin: Totally.

Thank you for joining us for the closing installment of I Suffered Through Major Portions of this Season, And All I Got Was This Lousy NotVaughn T-shirt. Join us season when we will proceed to go, whhhaaaaaaa?

Dude? Dude.