Previously on Alias: Sonia was Elena and Jack had a pill in his hand and zzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Huh? What? It's a new episode? Do I have to stay awake for this one? Seriously? Well, then, I want a promise that this episode will have more Victor Garber and a return to the ass-kicking show I know and love, okay? PROMISE ME.
Vienna. We're at yet another disco/bar. Syd's sporting two-toned hair that I think is a repeat of another wig from a past season. It was bound to happen sometime. Syd's acting as a waitress, and Vaughn's acting as a patron. He's wearing an open-necked shirt that gives new meaning to the childish act of peek-a-boo. I think I love him. Syd swaggers up some back stairs and sweet-talks her way past the bodyguard at the top. She bends over in front of Dixon and not-so-subtly lays a stack of napkins down to his right. Dixon's modeling the latest in the Me-So-Horny Pimp-o-Rama line of suits. This one seems to be the Tony Manero Special. Syd stops showing her ass to the rest of the group long enough to give them all their drinks.
Dix wants to know why in the hell the Hydrosec is taking so long. Stubbly Lambert, still a terribly unfriendly fellow, just tells Dix to chill because it'll be here soon enough and then they'll move on to the phase: dispersal. Oooh! Snacks! Syd walks off and informs Vaughn and the troops at home that Dix is now armed and they should expect delivery of the Hydrosec any minute. Sloane wants to make sure the Hydrosec remains stable once they nab it, and Nadia asks if they've arranged transport for it. Sloane says that was supposed to be Jack's job, but no one's seen him around lately. That's because he's too busy imagining himself in the middle of It's A Small World After All, ruling a land of tiny singing people.
Marshall pipes up that the Hydrosec will most likely arrive in a big metal case, you know, the kind that is usually named after a large multinational corporation. Someone on the boards pointed out that this might be a sly reference to Lost, but I drink so much liquor during that show that I don't retain anything from one episode to the , so I can't help confirm this possible show-to-show shout-out. I also can't remember if that blonde Aussie had her baby or not. Or if Charlie ever quit the horse. Or if anyone figured out who "Dana" was. Or just who the hell was blackmailing Mary Kay or Mary Ellen or whatever. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON, IS WHAT I'M SAYING.
Vaughn sees no sign of the Hydrosec yet. Nor does he see any sign of Nerdy McSpyBoy over by the projector. Elena's goofy little henchman, who apparently did time in Legally Blonde (and, from what I hear about Reese Witherspoon, working on one of her movies really is akin to spending three-to-six in the state penitentiary), is casually placing a bomb beneath the projector and pretending to look like he belongs there, even though he really sticks out like a sore thumb. Or a sore geek. Whatever. Upstairs, Stubbly Lambert gets a call. The Hydrosec has arrived. Syd hears this and nods at Vaughn. Nerdy McSpyBoy somehow hears this as well and drops another bomb into his drink. The Hydrosec comes traipsing in and, while Syd watches it arrive, Nerdy McSpyBoy places his drink on her tray and it starts whirring like the bomb that it is. Man. Are ALL the spies on this show the Worst Spy Ever? Like, if you're gonna plant a bomb on someone, by all means, pick one that DOESN'T ANNOUNCE ITS PRESENCE WITH AUTHORITY. I would have thought that would be in the Spying for Dummies handbook, you know.
Syd hears the rather large "Ding dong! I'm a bomb!" whirring just in time, however, and she manages to chuck the tray away from her, thereby saving herself and countless patrons. All hell breaks loose, and Dix and Stubbly run downstairs to see what's up. Nerdy McSpyBoy detonates the other bomb, and a bunch of people get thrown sky-high. Chaos. Everyone runs. Nerdy McSpyBoy goes after the Hydrosec. Syd puts a stop to that. She tackles him just as he's about to go for it. And then they fight. It's a really weird fight, by the way. And I think Jen's double did most of it. Or Jen's been dead lifting lately because DAMN her legs have gotten husky.
Vaughn goes after the Hydrosec, but Dirty Broderick gets there first and puts a gun to his head. Dix shows up and shoots Dirty, Stubbly shows up and shoots at Dix, another henchman shows up and Vaughn takes him out, and then Stubbly runs away like a little girl. Dix and Vaughn run after him. Vaughn checks in to see how his girlfriend's stunt double is doing with Nerdy McSpyBoy. Not well, as it turns out. He somehow bests her by throwing her against a wall and then, instead of going after the Hydrosec, he just…runs away like a little girl. What is WITH the bad guys on this show lately? They're all little girls! The only one who truly still scares me is Sloane and that's just because he's nuttier than a box of Nutter Butters with a side of pecan pie.
Syd runs after Nerdy and Dix and Vaughn come upon Stubbly, who has decided to stop running and has, instead, chosen to threaten to drop the Hydrosec into the water supply of…the bar upstairs? I don't know. Both Dix and Vaughn feign dropping their guns, only to have Dixon shoot Stubbly dead without even blinking. Heh. The Hydrosec falls to the floor, but it's stable, so all is well in the land of dead water poisoners. Vaughn calls for a biohazard team and Nadia says they're on their way. Outside in the alley, Nerdy calls his mommy, and Elena states the obvious: that the CIA has the Hydrosec. Wow. She's a super-duper spy! Nerdy says he can get it back if they can find out where it is. Elena says to leave that to her and come on home.
Speaking of home, Elena's at Syd's. Looks like she's staying at the Barbie Penthouse. It also looks like either Nadia has had the Apple Store conference room transferred to her bathroom, or the conversation with Nerdy took place loooooong after the ruckus at the Viennese disco, because in walks Nadia, wearing a t-shirt and having some tea, as if she wasn't just telling Vaughn she was sending a biohazard team his way approximately 2.73 seconds ago. Whatever. Get to the Spy Daddy stuff already. As if to torture me, we continue with this scene and Elena telling Nadia that she's made a hotel reservation because she's imposed on Nadia's kindness for far too long already. Nadia protests. Elena protests back. All in Spanish. All of which I'm not translating. Nadia insists that Elena stay. Elena, shockingly, says okay.
Later that day, or the day, or the year 2088, Vaughn's at the Apple Store, looking for eligible singles ads on Lava Life. Syd walks up and asks if Vaughn's seen her dad. He hasn't. She's left Jack dozens of messages but hasn't heard anything yet. He's been missing for two days. "So whaddya wanna do about it?" asks Vaughn. Syd gets this "look" on her face. Oh. I know that look. That's the "I think it's time to actually prove my father doesn't sleep standing up at the back of the Batcave" look. The thing we see is an elevator sliding up into frame. Vaughn and Syd exit and move down a hall. "So this is where your dad lives, huh?" says Vaughn, incredulously. "Yeah, what did you expect?" counters Syd. "I dunno. A bunker or something?" snarks Vaughn. Heh. Or the Batcave, Vaughn.
Vaughn asks if Syd really has never been to her father's apartment. Syd's all, nope. Vaughn's all, weird. Syd's all, dude? Have you just MET me? What about my life ISN'T weird? They get to Jack's door, and Syd knocks. There's no answer, so Syd and Vaughn do the only logical thing they can: they break in. Using her ever-present lockpick kit, Syd easily makes it past the front door and they enter the Inner Jacktum. The place is everything you'd think it would be for a man like Jack: it's expensively but sparsely finished, has an air of neglect and intellect, and it looks like someone hasn't lived there for ages. Syd picks up a picture of herself from her childhood. At least he pretends to care. Over by a partially open window, there's a bowl of half-empty cat food with several bits scattered along the floor. Looks like Jack is fond of strays, eh? It makes sense; cats are independent, sneaky, and superior, just like Jack. Stray cats are all those things plus desperate, angry, and feral. Also just like Jack. Heh.
Vaughn calls Syd over and shows her some entries he's found in a small book. Body temp, blood cell counts -- Jack's been monitoring his vitals. They see something called "alkylating agent" written to an amount of 20x. Also? Jack has the writing of a serial killer. Syd goes off to seek out more info and finds a mother lode in the bathroom. Approximately forty-seven bottles of pills, some adhesive strips, a scalpel, and a waste bin spilling over with used syringes. Oh, damn. Did someone have a party and invite Perry Farrell again? I mean, lord. That man can't clean up after himself for shit. The Strings of This Does Not Bode Well For Our Daddy take us over to the Apple Store.
Marshall comes scooting through, all excited that he gets to run an initial analysis on Hydrosec. Nadia interrupts his fervor and hands him a sketch of Nerdy McSpyBoy. Marshall says he'll run a biometric match on it. As they discuss whether or not this will work on a sketch, Elena shows us that she's listening in on the entire conversation. She shares her displeasure with Nerdy about his picture circulating the halls of the Apple Store. She thinks he underestimated them in Vienna and this caused them to lose the Hydrosec. I could be wrong here, but I think Sonia Braga's attempting to soften her real accent in order to sound more neutrally European. If that's true, it's working; she sounds less Latina and more…Madonna at one of her stupid children's book readings. Nerdy wants another chance to prove himself. Luckily, Elena knows just how he can do that. Nadia brings her laptop home every night and it has Apple Store access. "How long would it take you to hack into it?"
We don't find out how long, because we have to go check in with Jack and his hallucination du jour. What? Like you don't KNOW how this ends. Oh, okay. If you don't, I won't spoil it. Too much. Suffice it to say, now that I know how this scenario ends, these doctor/patient scenes are a whole lot scarier. You'll see what I mean when you watch it. So, anyway, Jack's rolling down his sleeve, after obviously getting yet another treatment. Dr. St. Hubbins informs him that they're running out of options. His white blood cell counts aren't what he'd hoped they'd be. Jack hopefully says that their options are limited, not exhausted. The doctor just tells him a story about Alexander Fleming and the discovery of penicillin. It's a well-told story, but the only way it relates to Jack and his current condition is how Dr. St. Hubbins accidentally stumbled upon his potential cure for radiation. Jack's overall demeanor during this entire side trip to Disease Central is kind, gentle, and vaguely amused, so that really should be your first clue that something's rotten in the state of Jackmark.
Dr. St. Hubbins winds up his little speech with the statement that eighty-four percent of the rats he injected with this alkylating agent were dead within a week. Jack thinks that, given his prognosis, he doesn't really have any other choice but to try the stuff. The doctor tells him the stuff was taken off the market ages ago because it was too lethal. Jack just calmly says he has contacts and sources and he'll get the necessary chemicals. The doc hands him a slip of paper with what they need written on it. As a final farewell note, the doctor tells him that if these drugs don't cure him, they'll kill him. Jack leaves, with the doc looking fondly after him.
Apple Store. Marshall's looking up the sketch of Nerdy. Nadia walks up and asks if he's found anything. Not yet. Nadia's phone rings and it's Elena, telling her that she wants to make dinner for the girls and their boyfriends. Nadia walks over and asks Agent Sean if they're free for dinner tomorrow. "Dinner? Food? Are you kidding me? YES," says Weiss. Hee. Nadia says it's fine with them and she'll check with Syd and Vaughn. Elena gets off the phone and goes from kindly smiling auntie to cold-hearted killer in 0.528 seconds flat.
Warehouse of Twelve Monkeys. Jack enters a dimly lit space surrounded by monkey cages. A rather monkey-looking fellow greets him, and Jack asks if he was able to procure the necessary chemicals. Monkey Boy goes to get them and makes Jack promise that they'll never get traced back to him. Jack's all, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm doing double-overtime on the "pretty pictures in my head" thing already, dude. Just gimme me the damn drugs. Before Monkey Boy hands them over, however, he feels compelled to warn Jack that the human body wasn't designed to handle drugs like these and whomever the poor guy is that Jack is torturing -- "Curious morality coming from a guy who kills monkeys for a living," snits Jack. Heh. Even drugged up and dying, the guy still delivers a good smackdown. Monkey Boy finally hands over the goods and asks if this pays off his debt to Jack. Jack just says, "Be seeing you, Anthony," and walks off. Hee. As he leaves, he looks wistfully at the monkey cages.
Apple Store. Marshall's still working on the Nerdy sketch. Syd walks in and asks him to pull up everything he has on alkylating agents and cross-reference them with radiation sickness. Marshall's all, uh, okay, weird request, but, you know, I'll do it. Syd tells him something's going on with her dad and Marshall, the worst bluffer in the WORLD, immediately starts looking guiltier than hell. Syd totally picks up on it and is all, dude? YOU KNOW SOMETHING. Finally, Marshall tells her what he knows. Mainly that, during that time when Syd was trapped with the Slinky from hell, her dad got her out and got a full-on blast of radiation. Syd wants whatever information Marshall has on her dad's treatment and she wants it now. Marshall says there is no treatment. And he's done some thorough research. Syd's heard enough. She walks into Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture and says, "We have to find my father." Sloane just looks at her like, yeah? And?
And now is the time on Alias when we look at our watches and wonder, damn! That was a full fifteen minutes without a break! Woo!
In other news, the Revenge of the Sith money-making machine hath already begun. May the chuh-ching be with you.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane and Syd fill in the troops on Jack's condition and how he's disappeared. Not a single medical facility in the vicinity has any record of treating him, either. Syd says that whatever her father has, it's untreatable, and there's a great chance that he's not in full control of his faculties. Vaughn pipes up that this means someone could be preying on him, trying to tell him there's a cure, even when there isn't. Which means that Dr. St. Hubbins could be a very bad guy, which is exactly what I thought right at this moment. Which is to say, I was completely clueless at this point as to what's about to happen. Sloane reiterates that Jack may not be in control of himself and that, if someone were to attempt to harm him, he may not be able to defend himself either.
That's when we catch up with Jack, looking mightily confused and disoriented. He sort of lumbers up to a nice-looking building with wrought iron lamps in front of it and enters. Inside, Dr. St. Hubbins and his assistant are waiting for him. Jack hands the doc the alkylating agent or whatever, and the doc says he'll prepare it. The assistant takes Jack's coat and asks him how he is. "Hopeful," says Jack with a smile. Yeah. That's a red flag right there. Jack's never friendly to anyone who can't get him guns or help him fly a jet through a hailstorm. Something's definitely up. Of course, I didn't think that the first time I watched this. But I should have. When Jack's pleasant with anyone but an arms dealer, we've entered Bizarro World, people.
Back at the Apple Center, Agent Sean comes up with hit; Jack was caught on camera using an ATM. Marshall scrambles to locate him via traffic cameras. Meanwhile, Vaughn and Syd are driving around, waiting for Marshall to contact them with Jack's location. He gets it and calls Syd. It's parked at a building over on Pierpont. "Oh, thank you, Marshall!" Syd says, relieved. "Remind me to kiss you!" "Uh, okay!" says Marshall. Hee. Agent Sean's all, what'd she say? Marshall's all, none of your damn business! Sydney has to kiss me! Sydney has to kiss me!
Back with Jack, he's getting ready to be strapped into the Blood-Draining Chair of Death when he notices some restraints on either side. He asks what they're for and the doc just says that some people go into convulsions when they get injected. Yeah. I totally thought he was going to kill Jack at this point. Or, you know, try to kill him. He straps him in and asks, once again, if Jack's thought about talking to Sydney. "I do keep too many secrets," says Jack. "When all this is behind me, that's gonna change. Sydney deserves more. She deserves to know that she's the most important thing in my life. She and Laura, of course." GONG! What was that, Jack? Did you say Laura? Would that be Laura, your ex-dead, now-alive-in-the-form-of-Lena-Olin, wife? Because, what? The doctor either doesn't know that there is no Laura anymore, or never knew in the first place, or he really is evil and he's drugging Jack, because he says NOTHING about this little slip and continues to get ready to inject the poor delusional creature with his "miracle" drug.
Syd and Vaughn finally make it to her dad's car, and it's not parked outside a nice-looking building with wrought iron lamps in front of it. No. It's parked outside a dirty old warehouse. Syd and Vaughn immediately enter the building. Once inside, it's clear they're in some sort of drug den. Syd wonders aloud what her father would be doing in a place like this. And, up until this point, I honestly thought they were going to turn the corner and come upon this beautiful office that Dr. St. Hubbins had faked off in some remote area of the building. Or that there was nothing there, but Dr. St. Hubbins had been drugging Jack and Jack was hallucinating everything and the doc was about to deliver his final dosage. I was not, as you say, prepared for what happens here.
Vaughn notices that one of the druggies lying around on the ground is wearing Jack's coat. He demands that the guy tell him where he got the coat. The guy looks at Vaughn like he has a big hash pipe coming out of the top of his head and arms made from bricks of crack cocaine. They leave the druggie behind and head off in search of Jack. In the doctor's office, Dr. St Hubbins is getting ready to inject Jack with the cure. "If for some reason this doesn't work," says Jack with a smile, "tell my girls I love them. Sydney and Laura." "You're gonna pull through this, Jack," says the doc. "I'll see you on the other side." Jack's grin fades as the doc moves toward him with the needle. He injects the stuff into the big blood roller coaster thing to Jack's right and instructs him to count backwards from ten. Jack, his lower lip trembling slightly, starts counting. "Ten…nine…eight…seven…"
And that's when Vaughn and Syd burst into the office and we see that…there's no office, no doctor, no radical cure, no nothing. All that's there is Jack, sitting on a cot in his undershirt, injecting himself with something blue and telling his daughter it's all going to be okay. He starts convulsing, though, so obviously everything is NOT okay. And I am SERIOUSLY FREAKED OUT. Syd calls Marshall and tells him they need medical assistance, like, now. Vaughn holds onto Jack, trying to stop the convulsions. Syd pulls the syringe away and looks at her father with naked concern. Thank Christ there's a commercial right now because I need to take a Valium, a hit of Stoli, and a nap -- in that order.
After our much-needed break, we catch up with Vaughn and Sloane, who are just lazily chatting in Sloane's Office of West Elm furniture. Vaughn exposits that yes, Jack was injecting himself with poison, but he thought it was a cure. The doctors managed to get most of it out of his system, but the illness? It's still around. Within seventy-two hours, it'll advance to the point where it's irreversible. Sloane asks if Jack woke up in the ambulance. Vaughn says he did, briefly, and he kept wanting to see his doctor, a "Dr. Liddell." Sloane perks up at the mention of this name, and everyone heads off to the Conference Room of Endless Expositions to find out who he is.
"Dr. Atticus Liddell," says Sloane, showing a picture of Michael McKean on the Big Screen TV Wall Of Infamy. Twenty-five years ago, Dr. Liddell developed a radical thesis on the treatment of genetic mutations. In 1981, he left the States to pursue his theories and worked with patients devastated by an undisclosed nuclear accident in the Soviet Union. Unfortunately, it was the Cold War, and the Soviets became convinced that Liddell was a spy. "Which he was," says Sloane. Vaughn asks if they killed him, but Sloane says that one of Jack's handlers informed him of the Soviets' suspicions and Jack was able to extract Liddell before the Soviets could act. Jack then changed Liddell's name and gave him a new identity.
Syd surmises that there must then be a record of Liddell's new identity and location somewhere. You'd think, huh? But no. Things are never that easy in the Land of Cloned Roommates Who Never Die. In the old days, Jack and his handler had a strict policy of never keeping any written documentation of something as sensitive as the relocation of Liddell. Syd pipes up that they have to get hold of Jack's handler. Nope. Dead. Died eight years ago. Dixon wonders aloud why, if Jack knew where Liddell was, he didn't just contact him as soon as he got sick. "He thought he did," says Syd. "Wow," chuckles Marshall, "Mr. Bristow hallucinated the one man who could save his life. Even his delusions are lucid." Hee. Vaughn doesn't seem to think Liddell could just disappear. Syd thinks he could -- if her father hid him.
Later on, Syd's standing in front of her father's empty office when Nadia walks up and asks if there's anything she can do. There isn't. Nadia says she's sorry. Syd thanks her and says she's going to sit with her father for awhile. Nadia asks if she wants company, saying she'll cancel dinner with her Evil Auntie Elena. Syd doesn't want her to. Because then Evil Auntie Elena couldn't hack into Nadia's computer. Nadia tries to comfort her sister, but, even though they've hugged in the past, there's no hug now, which…I was kind of hoping for, actually. No, not because I was looking for some mild girl-on-girl action or anything. It just…it seems like a hug would be appropriate right about now. But there isn't one. Nadia just touches Syd on the shoulder and leaves.
Barbie Penthouse. Nadia and Weiss enter. Evil Auntie Elena has prepared a magnificent feast. She flirts shamelessly with Weiss, hugging him heartily, then comments that what's happening to Jack is awful. There's some general back and forth about Jack and losing a parent and blah blah blah; then, finally, Evil Auntie Elena takes their coats and bags and whatnot and hauls them off to Nadia's room. Before she gets there, she turns and tells Eric that she so excited to meet him. "Nadia says the most beautiful things about you," she says, turning away with one of those pursed smiles that only female relatives can give you when they've just embarrassed the shit out of you. Weiss turns to Nadia. "Reaaaaally?" he crows at her. Heh. "She asked me if you were tall, dark and handsome," Nadia says, moving closer to him. "I told her you were tall." Heh. They laugh and have a quick kiss and, personally, I thought that little moment was adorable. But I'm a sucker for Greg Grunberg. It's a problem. Back in Nadia's room, Evil Auntie Elena puts the bag down and shoots a look at Nerdy McSpyBoy, who's back in the shadows. She leaves, and he immediately gets to work on the computer.
Hospital Room of Daddies Who CANNOT and WILL NOT Die. Jack's fitfully sleeping as Syd watches over him. He looks so sad and small in the bed. Well, Victor Garber's arms look good, so I guess things aren't that bad. Syd leans over and says, "Dad? Dad? Can you hear me?" Victor Garber does the most amazing stuff in this scene, y'all. I can't believe it. At the sound of his daughter's voice, Jack kind of jerkily swivels his head around to meet her, and he seriously looks like an infant just learning to hold its head up. "Ohhh," he says, looking all kinds of broken. "Hello." "Hi," Syd says back, smiling. "What're you doing -- why am I --" he says, looking around in an erratic panic. "I need to ask you --" says Sydney before Jack cuts her off. "Oh, no. It was my turn to pick up Sydney after dance class," he says, blinking rapidly. "I'm sorry. Can you -- can you take care of that? I'll cover time, Laura. Promise." Syd's expression has gone from one of relief to one of utter surprise. "Laura?" she says with concern. Jack just looks confused. "I don't -- I don't know why I'm so tired, sweetheart," he says. "So tired…" He falls back onto the pillow and Syd's face is like, HE THINKS I'M MY MOTHER?
Meanwhile, back at the Barbie Penthouse, Agent Sean's easily distracted from thinking how eeeeevil Auntie Elena is because there is food in front of him. We have to endure approximately two minutes of "Oh my god this is the best food ever!" and "Oh, it's nothing. I just whipped it up in a few minutes!" and "No, really, IT'S THE BEST!" before we can get on with the task at hand. Which is, basically, keeping Nadia out of her bedroom until Nerdy can finish copying her files. This is easy to do until Nadia's damn cell phone rings and she has to go get it. Elena tries to keep her in the room for as long as possible, but she can only bluff so long, and, finally, Nadia goes into her room. From beneath the table, Elena pulls up her purse and pulls out a gun, getting ready to shoot both her niece and Weiss if Nerdy's discovered. It's supposed to be a tension-filled moment as Nadia disappears and Elena readies her gun, but since we know that pretty much everyone lives through the end of this season, the tension feels kind of hollow. So, yeah, Nadia goes into the room and comes out and nothing happens. Other than that Weiss blabbles on and on about the food and Nadia says it was Vaughn on the phone and this is a convenient segue into the scene.
Sloane and Syd are discussing Jack's condition. Sloane thinks he's too far gone. Oh, so says the man who only two episodes ago was covered in blood and staring, unblinking, at a big red ball. I think you should let US be the judge of who's too far gone around here, Captain Crackers. Sloane says that Jack's mental state may not allow him to remember where Liddell was hidden. Syd thinks they should hypnotize him, but Sloane thinks that won't work. That's when Syd drops the "Laura" bomb. Sloane's all, the huh? He called you "Laura"? He thinks you're his wife? Ohhhh, dude. That is too good! Sloane points out that Jack called her by the name he knew Irina as before she was discovered to be a spy. This means that Jack thinks he's back about twenty-some-odd years ago. Sloane has an idea. "Suppose we convince your father that he's still living in 1981," he says. "Specifically, the day he extracted Liddell out of Russia." Sloane thinks that, if they recreate his surroundings, they can guide his delusions, and get him to reveal exactly where he hid Liddell. Syd gets this look on her face. "You want me to be my mother?" "That's right," says Sloane, with a hint of lasciviousness. Seriously. He's lapping it up.
Makeup Mirror of Kind of Skeeved-Out Daughters. Syd's sitting at a makeup table, looking at herself in the mirror, totally freaked that she's dressed to resemble her mother. Jennifer Garner doesn't really look like Lena Olin at all, but then neither do Isabella Rossellini or Sonia Braga, so, really, who gives a damn? Vaughn enters and shows Syd a picture of the little girl they've hired to play Syd as a child. He lamely attempts to inject some humor into the situation, but Syd's too squicked out about what she's going to do to laugh along with him. "I don't know how I'm gonna do this," she says. "Well, you know," says Vaughn, putting his hands on her shoulders, "it's not too late. We can always have Weiss dress up as Irina. I'm sure he'd make a great housewife." Heh. I'm sure he would, too. And I love you, Vaughn. Call me.
Syd manages a smile and says that she doesn't remember her parents all that well from when she was a child. She says her dad wasn't around much, being away on business all the time, and her mom…well, her mom left when she was six and she has no recollection of how her parents were when they were together. Syd honestly doesn't know how she's going to do this. Vaughn just tells her that it's an alias, just like all the others, and all she has to do is trust her training and follow her dad's cues. "Besides," he says jocularly, "I've got snipers everywhere if he starts to get inappropriate." Okay, dude? Funny. To us. In the audience. But in the twisted world that you live in, when your girlfriend is going to PRETEND TO BE HER OWN MOTHER, slinging a joke about "inappropriate" behavior is just…it's not gonna fly, homie. And, ew. Just for the record. Syd kind of just groans at this, but doesn't have time to actually stab Vaughn in the eyeball with her eyebrow pencil, because Nadia shows up and says they're ready for her.
Syd heads into the Faux House of Bristow after Vaughn gives her a short "you can do this" speech. Once inside, she's stunned. It's her house, circa 1981. Sloane turns the corner and goes, "Oh my god." It's clear that Sydney-as-Laura is supposed to be uncanny, even though it kind of isn't. Syd can't believe this is her old house. Sloane says it should be sufficient, provided Jack doesn't go looking for his Playboys underneath the china cabinet or anything. He sees a green bowl out of place and goes to move it. That's when he realizes that it's supposed to be the bowl that he and Emily gave Jack and Laura as a housewarming gift. "It belongs on the coffee table," says Sydney, eager to get this whole thing over with. "That's right," smugs Sloane, moving over to put it in the right place. Like, way to act like this place is yours, Sloane. Of course, for all we know, he could have been paying regular, erm, "visits" to Laura/Irina and therefore would know every nook and cranny of the place.
Sloane sets up the situation, saying that she'll have a few seconds before Jack wakes up and then, once the illusion has been sold to him and the phone rings, she's supposed to give Jack privacy so he can talk to his handler about Liddell. Sloane continues to move stuff around, and the medical team wheels Jack in on a gurney behind him. "We'll get this over with as quickly as possible," he assures Sydney. She's ready. "Your mother used to call your father 'sweetheart,'" says Sloane. "It was her pet name for him." What an original pet name! What, "Binky" was taken? What about "Hunky O'HotStuff"? Or, my favorite, "Champ"? I just would have thought Laura and Jack were a wee bit more creative than "sweetheart," that's all. The med team lays Jack down on the sofa and Sloane leaves. The wall closes behind him and the illusion is in place. Someone sticks Jack in the neck with a syringe and Sloane tells Syd that he'll be conscious in thirty seconds. Syd just stares at her father uncomfortably as we go to break.
Apple Store. Sloane enters the Conference Room of Endless Expositions, where the rest of the Appleseed Gang has set up camp. He orders Marshall to turn on the television. On a monitor, we see Jack, lying on the sofa as if he's napping, and we hear the TV go on. The newscast is obviously supposed to be from 1981, because the newscasters are talking about the Reagan assassination attempt. Jack suddenly wakes when the TV turns on and he looks around, slightly confused. Syd's waiting in the wings. Jack turns off the TV and sits up. Vaughn tells Syd to do her stuff. She opens and shuts the kitchen door, pretending to enter from the outside. She calls out, "Jack?" He slowly gets up and goes to the kitchen, where he stands looking at his daughter dressed up as his wife. "Sydney?" he gruffs. Syd doesn't skip a beat, she just keeps unloading the groceries. "She's upstairs, isn't she?" says Syd. "Could you give me a hand with these?" When Jack doesn't respond, she looks at him. "Sweetheart," she says in a tone of voice slightly different from her own, "is something wrong?" Yeah, something's wrong, Syd! YOU'RE DRESSED UP AS YOUR OWN MOTHER. It's like a traveling troupe rendition of Chinatown or something. "I'm my daughter! I'm my mother! I'm my daughter! I'M BOTH!"
Marshall thinks it's not working. Sloane thinks they should give her a minute. Syd starts vamping, talking about how Arvin called and he and Emily invited them for dinner week. Of course she said yes. There's a pause and then…"You could have just said we're busy," says Jack. "I know how you put up with Arvin for my sake." HA! That'll teach you to snow your ex-partner into thinking he's in 1981, Arvin. Marshall totally agrees with me, because he shoots Sloane a look that's like, "Dude! Irina didn't like you!" Sloane gets this look that's like, "Damn! I did NOT know that!" Syd just riffs that she's perfectly willing to put up with Sloane, seeing as he's Jack's best friend and all. You have to wonder if, at this point, Irina and Sloane were already doing the dirty deed, or if that didn't happen until later and oh my god, I'm getting sucked into the Faux Bristow Reality Show too and I don't even have radiation poisoning!
Syd continues unloading the groceries, and at one point, she pulls out a...a gourd. Heh. I don't know why I found that funny. It's actually a squash, but I caught just a glimpse of it and was like, "A GOURD?" I'm easily amused. "How can you do that?" says Jack. "Do what?" says Sydrina. "How can you be so perfect?" he asks softly. "Loving mother…beautiful wife…just…just by standing there." Aw. And ew. And aw. This whole scene was one big "AwwweeeewwwwawwwEWWWAAWWWW." Sincerely. Like, it's a side of Jack we've never seen (loving, tender and sweet), but it's not really a side I want to see, you know, ALL OVER HIS DAUGHTER.
Sloane saves us from some impromptu incest by ordering Vaughn to make the fake handler call. Jack goes to get the phone, looking a bit like a sleepwalker, and, as soon as he turns around, Syd's face starts to break, like she's torn between being touched that her father used to be like this and sad that he isn't any longer. Vaughn pretends to be calling from the handler's office and says that they have to get Liddell out of Minsk now. Syd gives Jack privacy as Vaughn asks him what kind of travel arrangements he needs. Jack doesn't respond. "Jack? Where do you want Liddell moved?" Jack still doesn't answer, choosing to watch Sydrina instead. Marshall thinks Jack's rejecting the situation because Vaughn doesn't sound like the real handler. Nadia says they should send in the girl and Sloane agrees. Marshall sends in the girl.
And in comes the little Syd. "Hi, Dad," she says sweetly. "Is it okay if I practice the piano?" He smiles tenderly at her. "Of course," he says. Jack gets back on the phone and tells Vaughn he has company. Vaughn understands. "About the doctor," Jack says, "I'm feeling a bit under the weather, but I'm much better now." Marshall says that it's code. Sloane doesn't recognize it, but thinks it might have been something Jack had set up with his handler. "Despite that," says Jack, "I think it'd be wise to have a check-up. It's been a year since my last stress test. Can you schedule that for me?" Vaughn says he will, and they both hang up. Sloane gets on the horn to Syd and tells her that Marshall should be able to decipher the code, but she should keep trying to get Liddell's location.
Jack returns to the kitchen as Little Syd practices "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." He tells Sydrina that he has bad news -- that was Grady, his handler, on the phone. "He has a mission for me," says Jack. "I'm afraid I have to leave town." Nadia says exactly what I'm thinking: "He told her. She knew he was a spy." Or, you know, that he worked for the government in some capacity. Not everyone who works for the CIA is a damn spy, you know. Even government agencies need fry cooks. Sloane's surprised by this realization, however. So is Syd. She covers well, asking Jack what the mission is. He tells her about Liddell, and how he's a doctor who saves lives but he needs to disappear. Sydrina asks where he'll take the doctor and Jack responds, "Finland." Sloane immediately orders Marshall to run a biometric of Liddell against the database of the Finnish passport offices and medical licensing board. Marshall's already on it. Vaughn tells Syd they got it. She's done.
Unfortunately, Jack isn't. He's concerned that he's going to miss Little Syd's birthday. Again. He seems totally broken up by this, actually. Sydrina tries to assure him that it's okay. That he'll explain it to her and she'll understand. "She's a child," says Jack, looking rather emotional. "She shouldn't need to understand that her father isn't home to celebrate her birthday." Syd's doing all she can to keep her emotions in check. "Laura," continues Jack, "the only memories I have of my father are of him leaving. I don't want it to be that way for her. She deserves better." Syd almost starts crying. Making a rather difficult choice, Syd obviously decides to act more like his wife than his daughter, and she moves close to him, saying, "The work you do is important." "Not as important as her," he says. "Or you." Yeah. It's another "awwwEWWWWawww" moment. Jack says that, when he gets back to Europe, he's going to give notice. He apologizes for not discussing it with her first. "No," she says, barely keeping it together. "That means more to me than you will ever know." He reaches out and kisses her hand, and yeah, it's kind of squicky, but it's also really dear, and Syd starts blubbering and…sniff. Sniffle. Shut UP.
Jack caresses his wife's hand for a second longer, then moves out of the kitchen. "We'll send in the med techs to sedate your father before he decides that it's time you two had another little Syd running around," says Sloane. Oh, okay. He doesn't say that. But he's THINKING it. Syd watches as her dad goes and sits to Little Syd. "That's good," he says, smiling. "Can I join you?" "Uh-huh," she adorably answers. They begin their duet and Syd comes out and sees them together on the bench and her chin crumbles and…dammit! Where's the Kleenex? Before Syd can get super-weepy, however, the med techs come in and shoot Jack in the neck with a dart. The expression on his face as he looks back at Syd is heartbreaking; it's like, "Honey? How could you do this to me? Help me!" God, I love Victor Garber.
Helsinki. The real Dr. Liddell is sitting on a bench outside a building. Syd walks up and says his name. He gets up and starts to leave. "Jack Bristow needs your help," she says. He stops and turns and it's Michael McKean with a little age makeup on. We shoot over to Hell-Lay and the Apple Store, where Marshall's geeking his way through the halls. He catches up with Weiss and Nadia and says he was going to go do some more tests on the Hydrosec, but when he went to go get it out of cold storage, it wasn't there, but of course, you guys already knew that, and Nadia's all, uh, why would we know that? Marshall's all, uh, because your team requested that it be moved to a low-security unit offsite, and Nadia's all, what the fuck?
We go immediately to the low-security unit and see Nerdy McSpyBoy creeping along somewhere. He plants one of his little humming bombs onto something. Outside, Elena walks up to a security guard and asks him directions. Inside at the security desk, the remaining guards keep an eye on the action outside. When it becomes clear that it's just some Spanish chick asking directions, they lose interest. We switch back to Weiss just as he's saying, uh, dude? No one authorized ANYTHING to be moved, okay? Marshall's all, uh, did I stutter? The order came through our secure network. Back with Nerdy, he hits a button and the bomb blows up and all the security camera monitors go to fuzz. Outside with Elena, she's feigning confusing at the guard's directions, and while he's looking the other way, she stabs him in the gut and drags him off behind a stone monolith. Then she heads inside and shoots both the guards dead. Man. She really is the worst Derevko.
Weiss gets on the horn to the low-security unit, and duh, no one answers because they're all dead. Elsewhere in the halls of the unit, Elena shoots another guard dead. Nadia and Weiss run off to the unit. Elena and Nerdy gain access to the room where the Hydrosec is. He looks at the safe where it's being held and seems to doubt that the double-folded titanium can be broken into. Elena just observes that they can cut through it. I have no idea how, but she seems to think so, and she's the one with all the weapons, so I'd be getting out the laser cutters right about now, Nerdy. He pulls out his blowtorch and gets to work. At that same moment, Nadia and Weiss scramble in and check the pulses of the fallen guards. Nope. Dead. Back at the safe, Nerdy's broken into the safe. "Done," he says. Elena walks over, pulls out the case, and opens it. There it is. The Hydrosec. Nerdy smiles. Remember how it feels to smile, there, Nerdy McSoonToBeDead. I don't think there's a whole lot of smiling going in Hades, buddy.
Weiss and Nadia continue running across more dead bodies. They make it to the safe room and run inside. There they find the broken-into safe and…the dead body of Nerdy McSorryToSeeYouGo. Nadia rightly observes that it's the guy from Vienna. "What the hell happened here?" asks Weiss. Well, judging by the empty safe and the nasty gash across Nerdy's throat, I'd say that someone stole the Hydrosec and offed her henchman. But that's just my wacky theory. Feel free to ignore it.
Apple Store. Hallway of Red Elevators. Syd and Dr. Liddell slo-mo their way down the hall. They walk right into Sloane, who says, "Atticus, it's so good of you to come." "After what Jack did for me…" says Liddell. "Sydney will show you the infirmary," continues Sloane. "If there's anything you need --" "I'd like to see my patient," snaps Liddell, and immediately, I love the guy. Syd escorts the doctor to the infirmary. Inside, Jack's peacefully sleeping. Syd puts her hand on his and gently tries to wake him up. His eyes flutter open. "Dad? A friend is here to see you," she says, stepping aside. "Hello, Jack," says the doctor. "Am I cured?" asks Jack. "Not yet," says the doctor, "but I'm going to make you better." Syd and Jack share a compassionate look and…scene.
Oh, of course Jack's all better. Just look at the scenes from week if you don't believe me. He's all upright! And talking! And not mentioning his ex-wife's cover name! Look. I'll take ANYTHING as long as it's not sick-and-sad Jack. Because I don't like crying during my guilty pleasures. I really don't.