Previously on One Sloane Is Enough For All Of Us: Joel Grey managed to out-creep Uncle Inappropriate when he showed up at the last minute as the Sloane Clone; Vaughn discovered that his daddy really is dead and Irina really did kill him and no one seems to think it odd that Daddy Vaughn managed to be dead and still deliver Nadia to the orphanage five years later; and Marshall became overly concerned about Jack when it came to light that Spy Daddy is one radioactive puppy.
We start this episode at an airport in Krakow, Poland. A woman with long, dark hair is talking to someone on her cell phone and, at first, I thought this was going to be Irina Derevko, or at least Elena Derevko, but it wasn't. It's just Michelle Forbes, and she's mildly tweaked that she missed her flight due to a late meeting. She's going to get a whole lot tweakier here in a minute when she realizes that missed flights are the least of her worries. Through her phone chatter, we learn that she's talking to her husband, and that she has at least two daughters, if not more. [Note: Just so y'all are informed, it's "Elena," not "Yelena." The closed captioning has it wrong and someone who works on the show has said it's "Elena" in the scripts, so…"Elena" it shall be.]
Michelle goes through the metal detector and security and everything seems to be moving right along until some nefarious bald guy walks up and asks her to step aside and put her luggage up on the table for inspection. Her reaction is pretty much what anyone's would be: a surprised face and an "Oh, me?" utterance. Some other guard goes through her bag and then Bad Baldy asks for her shoes too. He then pulls a fuzzy white bear out of the bag and looks at Michelle questioningly and she's all, what? It's for my kid. Bad Baldy just looks grim and asks Michelle to follow him. She's all, uh, it's just a bear. He's all, ve vould lahk shoo to follow us. They don't even give her shoes back. The we see them, they're in some dank, dimly lit tunnel and Michelle's demanding some answers from them, pronto. Bad Baldy just says, "Don't vorry, Dr. Sinclair," and keeps walking. Alarm bells go off in her head. She's all, hang on. How'd you know my name? He's all, ver luggich tag. She's all, ew! Drippy puddle with no shoes! The other security guy is all, grab! Grabby grab grab! And injection! And Dr. Sinclair goes down as Bad Baldy sneeringly watches her out of the corner of his eye.
Hell-Lay. Syd and Vaughn are hanging out on the Balcony of Revelatory Announcements. Jack walks up. Syd thanks him for coming, and Jack comments that she sounded desperate on the phone so, like, what is it? Vaughn pipes up that for the past month, he's been investigating leads -- "Which suggest your father is still alive," interrupts Jack. "So? What did you discover?" Heh. Vaughn's trying to be all dramatic and intense here and Jack's just like, yeah. Cut to the chase, soldier boy. Vaughn tells Jack about the Non-Dead Daddy Vaughn Hoax and how Sloane was apparently behind the whole thing. Jack's like, what possible motive would Arvin Sloane have to do something like that? Vaughn's all snitty and bitchy and he says that Sloane wanted him to steal the Rambaldi thingy and he hasn't reformed and he's still after the same things he's always been after: Rambaldi and world domination. "There's more," says Syd. Uh-oh. Syd tells Jack that it wasn't Irina who was behind the contract on her life; it was Sloane. And she's seen the bank records that prove it. "I'm sorry, Dad," she says. "We should notify the agency. Chase --" "No," says Jack with a steely expression. "I'll handle everything." That is NEVER a good thing, by the way. When Jack "handles" something, it winds up blown up or dead. Or both.
Torture Chamber of Wayward Professors. Bad Baldy removes the hood that's over Dr. Sinclair's head, and she asks him what he wants. He says nothing. Just then, a door at the end of the room opens up, slicing blue light across the floor. It looks like they're in the middle of some empty industrial space. There's a desk in front of Sinclair. A small figure makes its way across the floor. "Welcome, Professor Sinclair," says the ooky voice of Arvin Clone.
Back in Hell-Lay, we're in a men's room somewhere. Jack enters and slowly walks across the room. Waiting for him is Sloane, leaning against a wall to a row of urinals. What, they couldn't do this out at some oil plant or something? We have to look at urinals during one of the best scenes of the season? Guh.
"What's this about, Jack?" Sloane says impatiently. Jack suddenly grabs Sloane and shoves him up against the wall. "You can't imagine what it felt like," spits Jack, not even bothering to keep his emotions in check, "looking into the face of the woman I once shared a life with, and with a single bullet, ending that life. I ran through every scenario. Why? What was the purpose in having me believe the only way to save my daughter's life was to kill her mother?" Sloane almost effortlessly shoves Jack off. Heh. He's little, but he's mighty. Jack goes on to surmise that Sloane did it to get at Sydney, to drive a wedge between the two of them. Sloane just blinks his lids slowly like the Galapagos lava lizard that he is. "I had nothing to do with Irina's death," he says calmly. And that's when Jack pulls out his gun and presses it to Sloane's right temple. "One good reason why I shouldn't do to you," says Jack, "what I did to my wife." I honestly can't think of any, Jack. Pull the damn trigger. Oh, okay, don't. The show's no fun without Commander Batshit Crazy around to entertain us.
Sloane attempts to reason with Jack, telling him the whole scenario doesn't make sense. "Even if I did succeed in undermining your relationship with Sydney -- which, given our agreement, runs counter to my self-interest -- even then, with all the people in Sydney's life -- Vaughn, Nadia, anyone, do you really believe she would turn to me?" Jack slowly lowers the gun. "Jack, I didn't do this," says Sloane. "Someone is setting me up." The Horns of Yeah, I'll Buy That Right After I Purchase the Brooklyn Bridge blare across the soundtrack.
Torture Chamber of Wayward Professors. Sinclair's asking who Sloane Clone is. "All will be answered in due time," nasals the Mayor of Munchkinland. Seriously. That's who Joel Grey reminds me of. Only creepier. And with less funny pants. Sloane Clone opens up a big book of Rambaldi drawings and declares that he and Sinclair need to work together. He says that he was with the Army Corps of Engineers years ago and he was tasked with studying a manuscript. The pages in the book were written over five hundred years ago by a genius who anticipated scientific principles centuries ahead of his time. That genius? Is Milo Rambaldi. Sloane Clone doesn't say that, but for those of us who've been watching this show since the beginning, we recognize the distinctive handwriting on the parchment.
"You're insane," Sinclair wisely observes. Yes. Yes, he is, Frau Doktor. Sloane Clone disagrees and says that not only is he not insane, but prototypes of Rambaldi's designs have already been built. Sloane Clone's been collecting the various Rambaldi items for the past thirty-five years, just like the real Sloane. Sinclair doesn't really give a damn and still has no idea what this has to do with her. Sloane Clone needs her expertise. On what, we don't really know. "You want me to build a 500-year-old machine?" she incredulously asks. No one responds. She's like, uh, yeah. Okay. Listen up, Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, these drawings have no basis in physical reality. You're the Grand Master of La-La-Land, Mister Jeeves. Trust me on this. Sloane Clone just whispers something about how, once she sees, she will believe. Sinclair makes a mental note to start talking in tongues and foaming at the mouth so Sloane Clone will think he's met a kindred spirit. "And what if I don't cooperate?" she grits. The door opens and some guy wheels a cart in. On the cart is a smaller version of Clifford the Big Red Ball from the closing episode of Season One. It's spinning and humming and spinning and humming and why this is supposed to scare Sinclair, I don't really know, because, like, Clifford is only scary when he's bigger than an airplane hangar and filled with a liquid virus. "You will," is all Sloane Clone will say.
And now is the time on Alias when we play bouncy bouncy with the big red ball of DOOOOOM.
Apple Store. Elevator Hallway of Completely Inconspicuous Conversations About Sloane. Jack has obviously just told Sydney and Vaughn that he's choosing to believe Sloane for the moment. Syd and Vaughn think Jack's had a plate of mescaline with a side order of PCP for breakfast. Vaughn's all, didn't you hear what the hell I said? What the hell did Sloane say to you, anyway? And why don't you like me? Jack's all, actually, Agent Vaughn, in this country, the burden of proof is on establishing guilt, not innocence. And I don't like you because you're all up in my grill, okay? Best be stepping off, homes. Syd pipes up that they have Omar in custody and all they have to do is get him to take a look at Sloane and make a positive ID. "You'll have your proof," snits Vaughn, getting rather uppity with his future father-in-law. Jack just shoots him a look that packs the mental wallop of a fifty-ounce can of whupass.
Vaughn brings Omar in to make a positive ID of Sloane. It's actually really funny, because Sloane's just sitting there at a table in a white room, like, staring into the two-way mirror. You know, as you do. Omar takes a seat and Vaughn says, "Well?" "Huh," grunts Omar, hilariously. "What's THAT supposed to mean?" asks Vaughn. Hee. Omar's all, well, that's him all right. Except it's not. Except it is. Jack's all, is it or isn't it him, dammit. Omar's all, it's…almost him. It's like…this is the dude, but the other dude is a faxed copy of a Xeroxed copy of an original, you dig? "This is wild, like, they don't even look that much alike," says Omar. "Oh, this is freaky, man." You're tellin' me, Omar. "You ask me, they both give me the creeps," he says. Heh. This whole scene was short, but hysterical, and that's all thanks to Michael K. Williams. Goddamn, he was funny in this.
After returning Omar to his cell or whatever, the Appleseed Gang trails Sloane through the office as he orders them all to find out just what it is that Omar really knows. "I'll be in my office," he says, spinning around to look at them all. "I believe it's still mine, yes?" Hee. Vaughn still thinks Sloane's involved somehow and says so out loud. Both Syd and Jack look at him like he's wearing rouge and performing a tap dance routine with a band of trained chickens.
Torture Chamber of Wayward Professors. Sloane Clone enters and asks if Sinclair has a problem. Yes, actually, she does, Mister Midget, and that problem is YOU. Also? The Big Red Ball is apparently missing some vital component. A transformer coil. Fortunately, one of those was stolen just two episodes ago! Unfortunately, Sloane Clone hasn't been able to get his hands on it. Sinclair informs him that without the coil, a device of this size is incapable of withstanding its own power output. Or something. I really don't know. And I'm fairly certain Michelle Forbes and Joel Grey don't either. Sloane Clone just slowly makes his way over to her and kind of invades her personal space, hilariously moving aside her wrist shackles so that he can perch on the edge of the desk. Heh. He blathers something about how he "hired" her because of her ability to improvise solutions where others have failed. Um, dude? I hate to nitpick here, but usually? You don't "hire" people by having them physically removed from an airport and shackling them to a table. That's more "kidnapping" than "hiring," really. ["Hey, it works for TWoP. Back in your hole!" -- Sars] Basically, he's just fifty pounds of bonkers in a ten-pound bag. He feels that Sinclair isn't properly motivated and instructs Bad Baldy to get some motivation into her, like, now.
Sloane's Office of West Elm Furniture. Nadia's paying a visit and she thinks the whole Sloane set-up thing doesn't make any sense. She asks her father if he's resumed his search for Rambaldi. This pains Sloane deeply. He swears he gave up his past obsessions for her. He takes her hands and tells her that the crack-ass crazy behavior he exhibited back in Siena won't ever happen again. He promises. Back with Sinclair, Bad Baldy's getting ready to motivate her. Sinclair starts desperately whining about how Sloane Clone's asking the impossible. Bad Baldy doesn't really care, because he's plugged in the Finger Sander of Motivation and he's ready to go to work. He turns it on and moves toward her and she releases a bloodcurdling scream. Okay, that's just…what point is there to that? Why do you kidnap -- erm, sorry, "hire" someone to work on a Rambaldi device for you and then…take away the use of their hands? I thought at first that he was cutting off a finger or something, which is equally counterproductive, but it becomes clear later on that he's just…sanding off her fingertips. The hell? Is that just to make it harder to identify the body once she's completed her "contract" and they've "fired" her? I don't…torture doesn't make a lot of sense to me, in any capacity, but when it's torture that doesn't necessarily produce an immediate result from the tortured person, well, that's just highly inefficient as far as I'm concerned.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane's informing the troops of the Sloane Clone situation. The task is simple: Find the guy and nab him. "Assuming he exists at all," says Vaughn, you know, OUT LOUD. Like, dude? You're not making any friends here. Sloane asks how it went with Omar, and Dix informs him that Omar knew very little about the organization he worked for. Syd suggests that they give Omar the coil and put him into play, in order to bring Sloane Clone to the surface. "He makes the exchange," says Syd, "and we track the coil back to Arvin Clone." HEE. The whole table stops and is like, "HA! ARVIN CLONE! HA HA HA!" Sloane grimaces, Marshall giggles, Weiss snickers, Syd apologizes. "Sorry," she says to Sloane. "That's what we've been calling him." "Yeah," zips Weiss, "also, 'Marvin Sloane,' 'Rolling Sloanes'…" Hee. By now, he and Marshall are yucking it up, until Marshall quickly realizes that they're the only ones at the table finding ANY humor in this. Marshall brings the giggles to a halt.
Sloane declares that they need to persuade Omar to do their dirty work. Marshall pipes up that they all know the coil is a key component in the Rambaldi design, and therefore Sloane shouldn't be involved in this assignment at all. Sloane just grits that this mission is about proving his innocence, so why don't you take your earnestly geeky do-gooder ASS back to your garage of geekdom and do your goddamn JOB, okay? Sloane goes on to task Syd and Dix with the persuasion of Omar. Everyone moves out.
Random Room of Double-Crossings. Syd and Dix are doing their best to convince Omar to head back into the field with the coil. Omar's not stupid, however, and he doesn't see how voluntarily tangling with a sicko like Sloane Clone would be a good idea. Dix steps up and says that Omar better play ball with them or he'll spend the rest of his life in prison. "I'll be safer in prison," snaps Omar. Amen to that, brother. Syd tells Omar that they'll clear his record and put him in witness protection. Dix says they'll relocate him to someplace safe. "Someplace safe?" muses Omar. "What, like Mars?" Heh. Omar finally agrees to help and says that he usually deals with Sloane Clone's second-in-command, Bad Baldy. He picks up the phone and makes a call. In the Torture Chamber of Wayward Professors, Bad Baldy's cell phone rings, but he's too busy sanding off Sinclair's fingertips to pay it any mind.
I like me some Ice Cube, but did there really need to be a sequel to Triple X?
After the break, we return to the screaming Sinclair and the sanding Bad Baldy. Finally, he picks up the damn phone. Omar's all, hey! Bad Baldy's all, where you been? Omar's all, I had to lay low for awhile. Bad Baldy's all, you had to "lie" low, not "lay." A thing lays. A person lies. And this person thinks you should save the grammar lessons for a time when you're not REMOVING SOMEONE'S FINGERPRINTS WITH A BAND SAW. Like, how can you be a self-righteous grammar Nazi when you're wiping blood off the front of your shirt, you know? ["Also, get the grammar right in the second place. Things don't lay; you lay things. It's a transitive verb. Cram it, Baldo." -- Sars] Omar basically agrees with me because he's like, yeah. Fine. Whatever. I'll keep that in mind. Thanks for the grammar lesson, CAPTAIN CREEPY. Why don't we get together for a few practice sessions with dangling participles and I can give you that coil you're looking for?
Bad Baldy forgets all about the commas and synonyms and immediately wants to know where the coil is. Omar says he's looking right at it and the price just went up to $750K. Also, he wants a neutral place to meet for the exchange. Plus, no more grammar lessons. Bad Baldy tells him to call back in a half hour and he'll give him a location for the exchange. "Might not seem it," he oozes to Sinclair, "but this might be the luckiest day of your life." I somehow doubt that, Baldy. Back with Omar, he almost nervously says that the CIA better have his back out there. Syd and Dix run off to tell Jack that the meet is on and it's at the Bonaventure Hotel.
The day of the meet, Syd and Nadia are underground somewhere, futzing with wires and stuff. Apropos of nothing, Nadia says, "He's innocent." "Maybe," says Syd, always the optimist. "I know it, Sydney," declares Nadia. "I hope you're right," says Sydney in a tone that says she totally doesn't. "Do you?" asks Nadia, picking up on the tone herself. There's a moment where they both stare at each other, then Marshall buzzes in and says that with one more patch, he's tied in to the surveillance system. Syd does something to a wire, and back at the Apple Store, Marshall's patched in and ready to rock. In the hotel lobby, Dix moves through the lobby en route to his position. Weiss and Nadia enter, pretending to be a happy couple about to get married and considering the Bonaventure for their venue. Omar enters with the coil in a suitcase. Vaughn slides down the escalator and meets him at the bottom. He asks Omar for the time and Omar says it's time for him to get the hell outta there. Heh. Vaughn's like, dude? Just look at your damn watch and tell me what damn time it is, okay? One thing! I ask you to do ONE THING. Omar finally looks at his watch and Vaughn tells him that as soon as Bad Baldy arrives, the CIA will move in and arrest him and Omar has nothing to worry about. Omar thinks Vaughn's been licking the angel dust jar again.
Omar heads over to the bar and orders a rum cannonball. "Little early for the hard stuff," says a TWA stewardess from 1963. No, seriously. It's Syd. But she's somehow mistaken the assignment for a costume party, because she's wearing a bright red stewardess suit and matching pillbox hat that looks like it was pulled from the costume warehouse for Catch Me If You Can. What the? She looks awesome and everything but…wouldn't the Independence Air uniform have been, I don't know, a little less, EYE-CATCHING? Girl's supposed to blend the hell in, after all.
Whatever. Omar's drinking and there's nothing Sydney can do about it. A man approaches Omar and sits down. Everyone watches. The man stares at Omar and he's like, bitch? Do I know you? The man says he's there to check and make sure Omar's not carrying any weapons. He does a sweep over Omar with a wand, and Omar's clean. Jack orders Sydney to sit tight and see where this goes. The man gets up and tells Omar to come with him. Omar's like, hold the phone. I ain't goin' NOWHERE. The plan was to meet here. The man's all, plan's changed, dude. We're doing this in the penthouse. Jack tells Marshall to check the penthouse, and he brings up a picture of the penthouse room with two guards outside. Omar shoots Sydney a look as he walks off. Jack orders the whole team to move to the penthouse. Everyone scrambles. Jack tells Syd that they need audio on Omar, so she heads off with a cell phone in her hand.
At the elevators, the man says something to Omar about double-crossing Bad Baldy and Sydney walks up with her phone. She hands it to Omar and pretends that he left it behind at the bar. He takes it, immediately getting why she's handing it to him. She walks off and Omar asks the man if Bad Baldy came himself or if he sent someone else to do his dirty work. The man just says that Bad Baldy wants to do this face-to-face. The doors open and they enter the elevator. Syd and her blinking neon red suit follow them up in a sister elevator. Yeah, she's not too obvious or anything. I kind of like her funky pigtails, though.
As Syd and her electric hot lava red suit ride up in the elevator, another elevator across the way is going down and Sloane Clone's inside. Syd stares at him, gape-mouthed. He stares right back at her, doing his best Sloane imitation. "Something's wrong," says Syd to Jack. "He's here. The clone." "They're gonna cut the cable," says Sloane. Jack looks at Marshall, who looks at Sloane, who looks back at Jack. We get a glimpse of Omar in the elevator before SNAP! The cable goes. The elevator drops. And yeah, if the elevator were really dropping at the speed it looks like it is, these dudes wouldn't be slammed down on the floor, yo. They'd be up against the damn ceiling. But, whatever, it actually freaked me out when I saw it, so I'll forgive a little thing like…laws of gravity.
The elevator crashes and Syd heads down to the subbasement. Bad Baldy's already there and he's prying open the elevator doors. The case is inside, amidst the blood and bones and debris. He grabs it and hands it to Sloane Clone and they both scurry off. Syd readies her gun and enters the subbasement. She looks in at the crashed elevator and sees the dead bodies of the men. She tells Jack and Sloane that Omar is dead and the coil is gone. Sloane looks like he just had a plate of bad jalapeño poppers.
I have a confession to make. I love Grey's Anatomy. And I hate hospital shows. Like, I only made it through the first couple of seasons of ER and that was only because of The Clooney. I'd watch The Clooney eat rice cakes, yo. But I'm having a full-on love affair with Grey's Anatomy. It's probably because in the last two episodes they used not one but two Tegan & Sara songs and that's just rad, y'all.
Apple Store. Sloane's sitting in a chair, staring at a blown-up picture of Joel Grey's face. I know you've done many evil things in this lifetime, Arvin, but that's no reason to torture yourself with Munchkin Porn. Also? Sloane's wearing striped socks. Orange and red striped socks. I shit you not. He's wearing his typical dark Nehru suit and…brown shoes and striped socks. What the? I didn't see them the first time around, but now I have them paused and…the hell? I rarely find socks amusing but, in this case, I'll have to make an exception because, damn.
Syd enters and breathlessly says that she saw Sloane Clone at the hotel. She says that everything about the clone, his clothes, his posture, the way he looked at her…it's the way Sloane looks at her. "And how is that, Sydney?" he says calmly. "Let's just say it was equally disturbing." Heh. I'll bet. Sloane says something about how he's surprised she didn't think of it before. Syd's all, what? He's all, the elevator, the cables. She's all, Moscow, four years ago. Sloane tasked Sark with getting a certain Rambaldi item he required, and Sark chose to obtain it in exactly the same way as Sloane Clone did the coil. "Why would someone be impersonating you?" asks Syd. "It appears to be more than that," says Sloane. "This man -- his strategy, his appearance, his affinity for all things Rambaldi…" Syd looks at Sloane in surprise. "You think he actually believes he's you?"
Sloane just sighs and wonders aloud if he should recuse himself from all involvement. Sydney doesn't think that's a good idea; she wants Sloane to stay in it. In fact, she thinks he should go deeper -- all the way to the heart of the matter: Rambaldi. "You're asking me to go back to Rambaldi?" he asks. "God help us," she whispers. "Yes." Sloane doesn't look entirely displeased by this turn of events.
At the Department of Special Research, Sloane signs a red paper and gains access to the secret store of Rambaldi artifacts buried deep down in the desert. Dix accompanies him, watching him warily the entire time. As they walk through the room, Sloane's breathing and demeanor totally change. As do mine, because, well, every Rambaldi artifact from the beginning of this damn show makes an appearance and I just think it's wicked cool that the creators basically threw the long-time viewers a bone here. As the Strings of Watch Him Go Batshit trill across the soundtrack, we come across the huge page with Sydney's visage on it. Arvin stops and puts his hand on a book with the big Rambaldi <0> on it.
Ovary Electric. Syd and Nadia are enjoying a nice spot of tea while Syd tries to apologize for doubting Sloane's innocence. Nadia's far too understanding of Syd's negativity. Syd then falls ass-backwards into a confession that she basically forced Sloane to go back to Rambaldi. Nadia's all, uh, WHAT? Syd's all, what, I thought you knew. Nadia's all, uh, NO. She goes on to say that back in Siena, the closer they got to finding the artifact that Sloane sought, the batshit crazier he became. She says that he became a different man and that his eyes were mad, lost. Yeah. Batshit crazy, all right. We head over to catch up with Cardinal Crackpot as he's paging through sheet after sheet of Rambaldi scribblings. As Dixon watches, Sloane calmly peruses the ancient writings of the genius who had no idea his drawings were falling into the hands of a megalomaniacal fruitcake with delusions of grandeur. We get a glimpse of the Rambaldi clock, which is a nice touch. Suddenly, Sloane quietly says, "I know what he's doing." And he doesn't sound happy about it.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane informs the troops that Arvin Clone is attempting to construct an energy source -- a massive battery, if you will. That's why he needed the transformer coil. But in order to use it, you'd have to have an engineer with a specialty in nuclear physics and advanced knowledge of quantum electrodynamics, of which there are only a handful scattered throughout the world. Good thing that number is small, otherwise, they'd never notice when one of them goes missing. Right now, the one who's missing is Dr. Margaret Sinclair. Syd asks if the battery could already be operational. Sloane says no, because there are other components to consider, one of them being Xanthium 242. "How do we know they don't already have it?" asks Agent Sean. "I contacted a former colleague of mine in Sicily," says Sloane. "Someone who trades in illicit chemicals. Apparently, yesterday morning, Arvin Sloane placed an order for an unprecedented amount of Xanthium." Ron Rifkin delivers the "Arvin Sloane" part of that line with this hilarious kind of gagging reflex, as if he's about to vomit on his own name. Heh.
Sloane told his contact to hold the order and that he'd be over to pick it up, personally. Nadia follows her father to his office and basically harps on him not to go pick up the Xanthium. Sloane's all, dude? It's my contact. I have to go. Nadia's all, then I'll go with you! Sloane's all, honey? Isn't it your NAP TIME? He assures her that she has nothing to worry about, that he'll be fine as far as the Rambaldi stuff is concerned. Nadia thinks he's gonna lose it again. Sloane's basically had enough by now and he's like, seriously? I've proven myself to you and to everyone else, okay? Now let me go beat some bald dude to a pulp while Clifford the Big Red Ball spins uselessly behind me, all right? He tells his daughter that when he was studying the Rambaldi manuscripts at the DSR, the only thing he could think about was her. His thoughts kept returning to his daughter. He wouldn't jeopardize his relationship with her for anything in the world. "What about Siena?" says Nadia. Damn. Now I want to know what happened in bloody Siena. "I can't change what you witnessed in Siena," says Sloane. "But I can assure you that the man that you saw there no longer exists." Nadia doesn't want to lose him again. Sloane needs to know that she has faith in him. Nadia doesn't answer.
Sicily. We're at a racetrack. A gentleman sits in the empty stands as Sloane approaches and sits down to him. They make small talk and then Sloane asks for the package. It's a tube of red liquid hidden in a pair of binoculars. The Xanthium man asks Sloane what the OmniFam organization he started back when Syd was missing for two years was really all about. "What was in that food you sent to those impoverished countries?" he asks. Whoa. It never even occurred to me that Sloane might have been, like, poisoning people worldwide. Yuck. Xanthium Man keeps blathering on about OmniFam until Sloane cuts him off and states that someone in the black market has been posing as him and he wants to know who it is. Xanthium Man is now decidedly nervous. He says that Sloane Clone followed all of Sloane's protocols and he didn't know it wasn't Sloane himself. Sloane orders Xanthium Man to tell him where the other shipments of Xanthium were sent.
Apple Store. Marshall's futzing around with some gadget in his office. Jack enters and abruptly orders him to pull up satellite surveillance on an address in Santiago. Jack turns and storms through the office, dropping orders left and right. "Weiss?" he says, passing Agent Sean. "Make sure the jet is on standby. Coordinate an in-country rendezvous with Sloane at twelve hundred hours." "'Twelve hundred hours'?" quips Agent Sean. "Jack, it's me. You can say noon." HEE. "Just do it!" snaps Jack. HEE HEE. Dix scoots up and questions why Sloane would be included on the tactical team. Jack just dismisses his concerns with a terse explanation involving Rambaldi and the Sloane Clone. Dix won't let up, though, and he follows Jack into his office and wants to know what the hell will happen if the Sloane Clone has assembled a device and Sloane gets in front of it. "I'm calling the shots here, Marcus," snaps Jack. "And you have a problem with my questioning Sloane's motives?" asks Dix. "As far as I'm concerned, at this juncture, Sloane's motives are irrelevant," says Jack. "If he can help bring the imposter to us, I say let Sloane do what he needs to do." Dix kind of rears back in surprise. "Go to Santiago," says Jack. "Let's end this." Dix looks like he just ate a piece of kibble doused in Pine-Sol®. Jack just bites the inside of his lip and wonders how soon it will be before his radioactive tongue can actually lick a hole clear out the other side of his cheek.
Santiago. The CIA kids drive a black van onto the secure premises of the Sloane Clone hideout. Vaughn and Dix dart a couple of guards and drive on through to the building. Inside, Arvin Clone is resting comfortably in his office when Bad Baldy enters and informs him that the Xanthium shipment has arrived. Arvin Clone orders Bad Baldy to head to the loading dock and make sure the shipment is properly handled. "I'll get Dr. Sinclair and meet you at the lab," says Arvin Clone. Back at the dock, more guards arrive and the Appleseed Gang quickly darts them all. Syd checks with Dixon to see how many other guards he can get a visual on. Looks like seven so far. He can't find the hostage yet.
The hostage is getting mightily irritated with her working conditions. Sloane Clone enters and tells her that the Xanthium has arrived, so she can begin assembly. Considering that Clifford the Big Red Ball is already spinning away in another room, I'm confused as to just what it is that Sinclair is supposed to be assembling, but whatever. It's eight o'clock on Sunday night and if I don't get this damn recap done in an hour, I won't be able to watch Patrick Dempsey flirt deliciously with Ellen Pompeo and then my whole weekend will be ruined. Sinclair quips that she could have worked more efficiently if he hadn't, you know, sanded off her damn fingertips. Sloane Clone and his guards haul Sinclair out in to the hallway. Dixon spies her and tells Syd where she is.
Vaughn states that they should split up and one team go to the lab, the other team go after the hostage. Syd shoots a look at Sloane and says, "I go with Sloane." "I was just going to suggest that myself," he says. Heh. Weiss, Nadia, and Vaughn go to the lab, Syd and Sloane go to Sinclair. Once inside the building, Syd's faced with a code box. She puts a Marshall doodad on top and it gets right down to the business of hacking the code. Sloane stares ookily at Syd. Man, he is creepy. "Strange, isn't it?" says Sloane. "What's that?" asks Syd. "You in general? Or you staring at me right now?" "All our years working together," says Sloane, "this is the first time I've been with you in action. Up close." Oh, ew. He's just wrong. He's so wrong that I'm not even going to mention the fact that Sloane and Syd HAVE, in fact, been together in action, because Sloane creeps me out so much right now that I don't want to even THINK about any other time they were in close proximity to each other. I mean, really.
Dix leads Vaughn, Nadia, and Weiss through the halls. They stupidly turn a corner and run right into Sloane Clone and his men. Shooting commences. Vaughn mentions that they should probably hold their fire because Sinclair is with them. They run another way, attempting to cut off Sloane Clone, and run smack dab into a locked door. Weiss pulls his thumb out of his butt long enough to shoot the shit out of the door. Heh. Elsewhere in the building, Sloane Clone hears the shooting and demands a radio from one of his guards. He gets on the horn and tells Bad Baldy to secure the device at the hangar and meet him by the side exit. Bad Baldy makes his way to the hangar.
Back at the code box, Syd states that the decipher is taking too long. "If this were your facility, what would the access code be?" she asks Sloane. He looks at the first two letters of the code, which are "J" and "A." "Try Jacquelyn," he says calmly, and spells it for her. Syd enters the name and the door unlocks. "Am I supposed to know who that is?" she asks. Sloane just grins at her evilly. Heh. Yeah. That's gonna come back to haunt us, I think. Syd and Sloane enter the hangar and…Clifford the Big Red Ball is in the house! Syd says she'll set the charges but Sloane tells her that they don't have to. They move toward Clifford and, I must say, he looks rather like a big Christmas tree ornament. The Unholy Choir of Rambaldi screeches us out to the break.
"We can dismantle it," says Sloane, whirls of crazy already spinning in his eyes. Syd's not really fond of this idea. Sloane thinks they have to consider the value of the device. Syd doesn't give a damn. Vaughn gets on comms and tells her that they're cut off and that Sloane Clone has Sinclair and Syd has to intercept them. She asks where and Vaughn tells her to head to the northwest corridor. Sloane serenely looks at her and tells her to go. After a moment's hesitation, she finally heads off, leaving Sloane alone with Clifford. And the expression on his face when he's finally facing Clifford is utterly fucking freaky. It's a mask of greed and avarice and abject desire. It's just naughty.
Bad Baldy makes his way to the hangar. Once there, he sees Sloane in the distance. Of course, he assumes it's Sloane Clone. He's all, oh, hi, Mr. Sloane. I thought we were supposed to meet over at the side entrance. Sloane turns and Bad Baldy realizes his mistake too late. Sloane has a gun. "Hello," he says with a note of amusement in his voice. Heh. Over in the northwest corridor, Syd comes upon Sloane Clone and his hostage and she just blatantly starts shooting at all of them. The hell? Vaughn tells them NOT to shoot and Syd's all, SCREW THE HOSTAGE! She just keeps shooting until Sinclair dives to the floor and Sloane Clone escapes out a side door. More shooting. Syd then shoots a pipe and stem comes rushing out and she heads in to kick some henchman ass. And then they fight. The henchman's about to choke the life out of Syd when she gains the upper hand and drops his ass.
At that same moment, Weiss and Vaughn enter, guns drawn. Where's Nadia, you may ask? Why, Nadia's headed up to watch her daddy beat Baldy to a pulp. Syd tells Vaughn and Weiss to stay with Sinclair, and then runs off in pursuit of Sloane Clone. Back with the real Sloane, he wants some answers from Bad Baldy. "Who's the man misrepresenting me?" he asks. "It's Arvin Sloane," says Bad Baldy. "I'm Arvin Sloane," says Sloane with not a little bitterness. Bad Baldy dumbly reaches for his gun and Sloane shoots him in the kneecap. Ouch. Sloane drops the gun and picks up the model of Clifford's base. He advances toward Bad Baldy. "Do you know what this is?" sneers Sloane. "That you're doing?" "What the hell do you want?" gasps Bad Baldy. "Do you understand what you're dealing with here?" says Sloane, his face twisting into a grimace. "And for what?" Bad Baldy's pleading for his life at this point. "Mr. Sloane, I --" "Listen to me," says Sloane, looking far too much like he's enjoying this. "Don't make me tell you again who I am." Oh, damn. He's creeping me out.
Nadia's just outside, heading toward the door, when Sloane says, "You fool." "He told me…" says Bad Baldy. "He told me I could live forev--" "NOOOOOOOOOO!" screams Sloane, bringing the Clifford base over his head and down on Bad Baldy's face. Oh, lord. Nadia moves closer. "Is that what think this is all about? Immortality?" says Sloane, gearing up for a total meltdown. "You bought a rumor, you simple-minded DILETTANTE!" Aaaand WHAM! He hits Baldy again. Nadia is taking her own sweet time getting there, dammit. There are no closed captions here, by the way, so if I get this slightly wrong, I apologize. "A mystery," continues Sloane, circling his prey. "The true secrets of his creations will always be held back from you…THE UNWORTHY!" He growls that last part as he brings the base down yet again on Baldy's head. And again. And again. And blood spatters up onto his face. And a wham! And another wham! And more blood and oh my god, he's thrown a nutter.
Nadia finally enters and sees Clifford. "Nadia," says her father. She turns and sees Sloane, calmly walking toward her with a smile on his face. A smile almost drowning under the big streaks of BLOOD. She looks down and sees Baldy, dead on the floor. "It's all over," says Sloane, acting for all the world like he didn't just beat a man to death. "It's all over, honey." Oh, it certainly is, General Gaga. You should run a special on those insanity crackers of yours because, dude? You've got enough to last you till the end of time. Nadia looks at her father, her heart visibly breaking. Sloane just looks at his daughter as if she's made of cotton candy and he's just dying to feed his sweet tooth.
Is it wrong that I love it when Uncle Arvin turns into Sergeant Major Ooogedy-Boogedy?
on Alias: Jack sprouts horns and a tail and a wicked case of radioactive eczema. And Victor Garber brings home the Emmy.