By Erin
Previously on Alias: Silkwood showers for everyone! Also? Vaughn told Syd he loves her, then disappeared with the Nightingale coil and went rogue. All in an effort to find his not-so-dead father. Jack and Sloane were in cahoots to an alarming extent, and Marshall saved the day, but really didn't when Syd was let out of the Silkwood chamber courtesy of the man who may now grow a tail and some ears and possibly…scales.
Okay, so, we start with one of those "48 Hours Earlier" things that, really, I think I've made clear I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE. In a nutshell, we're in a tunnel and there's shooting and guns and people in masks, and then Dixon shoots a couple of people and then runs after some other people who are escaping through a door. Dixon runs. The people run. One of them falls and Dixon shoots. The fallen person shoots back and Dix shoots the person dead. The other person shoots Dixon three times in the chest. Dix falls back against a wall, his breathing labored. The shooter walks up and removes his mask. It's Vaughn.
Hell-Lay. 48 Hours Earlier. What'd I say about the damn "earlier" bullshit, huh? It's been done. It's over. Don't do it again. NO ONE LISTENS TO ME. Whatever. It's being done again and Sydney's being called to Sloane's office. Sloane asks if Vaughn's contacted Syd. Syd's all, uh, don't you think I would have mentioned that? Sloane's all, oh, sure, yah, except for the fact that we pulled Vaughn's phone records and we have a clear indication that the dude sent you a text message, girl. Why don't you be more honest wit yo Uncle Inappropriate, cher? Sorry. I may have spent too much time in New Orleans.
Syd rather curtly informs Sloane that, yes, she got the message. But it was just Vaughn contacting her to tell her he was sorry for hitting her. She didn't think it was important. Sloane's like, uh, dude? He disappeared with some serious technology. I have no choice but to notify Langley. Syd states that Vaughn isn't a traitor. Sloane just says that, out of consideration for Sydney, he'll give Vaughn forty-eight hours to either return or contact him with an explanation. In the meantime, Vaughn's status will be withheld from the rest of the Apple Store. Sloane asks for Syd's assurance that if Vaughn contacts her, she'll notify him and the rest of the company. She gives it, and leaves.
Paris. Vaughn's hanging out at a café table, looking at his watch. He gets up to leave and that's when Omar shows up. He's all, goin' somewhere? Vaughn's all, you're late. Omar's all, want a beignet? Vaughn's all, why, yes. And do you happen to have a café au lait in a commemorative Café du Monde cup? Because I would LOVE that. Omar's all, no, sadly, I don't. But I've been watching you for a bit and I think I like your style. Vaughn's all, seriously? COULD I GET SOME ANSWERS ABOUT MY FATHER? Omar wants the coil, but Vaughn's not handing it over until he gets some info. "You'll get the coil when you tell me everything you know about my father," he says. Omar considers this as we leave Paris and head back to Hell-Lay.
Paris. Vaughn's hanging out at a café table, looking at his watch. He gets up to leave and that's when Omar shows up. He's all, goin' somewhere? Vaughn's all, you're late. Omar's all, want a beignet? Vaughn's all, why, yes. And do you happen to have a café au lait in a commemorative Café du Monde cup? Because I would LOVE that. Omar's all, no, sadly, I don't. But I've been watching you for a bit and I think I like your style. Vaughn's all, seriously? COULD I GET SOME ANSWERS ABOUT MY FATHER? Omar wants the coil, but Vaughn's not handing it over until he gets some info. "You'll get the coil when you tell me everything you know about my father," he says. Omar considers this as we leave Paris and head back to Hell-Lay.
Ovary Clean-letric. Seriously. Sydney is cleaning everything that has a surface. She has on blue gloves and is holding a spritz bottle in one hand and a heavy-duty scrubber sponge in the other. Heh. I've been there, sister. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I took every last one of his t-shirts that he'd left behind and used them to clean the toilet, the kitchen sink and underneath my bed. I'm a stress cleaner. I admit it. Syd is too, even though she won't really admit it. As she's cleaning, Nadia and Weiss enter, gibbering about the potential Yellowstone volcano. They start unloading groceries and Weiss finds a bar of fancy chocolate and he's all, dude! Fancy chocolate! I love fancy chocolate! And Nadia's all, um, DUDE. That's not for you, okay? She looks around and says, "Where's the freezer bag?" Wow. She shops according to where things GO in the FRIDGE? I don't even…I'm lucky if I leave the market with toilet paper in the same bag as the bananas. Damn.
So, Nadia goes back out to the car to get the "freezer" groceries and leaves Weiss with Syd. Once Nadia's outside, her cell phone rings. It's a collect call from a prisoner in Quantico. Nadia accepts the charges. It's Katya. What the? It appears that Katya and Nadia have been meeting on the sly now for quite some time. Katya's worried because she hasn't heard from Nadia and Nadia tells her that she's planning to visit tomorrow. Katya's glad to hear it, because Nadia's visits make prison bearable.
Back inside, Weiss watches as Sydney actually scrapes the chrome off the sink. Weiss asks Syd if she's heard from Vaughn. Syd's all, no, SCRUB SCRUB SCRUB. Weiss is all, yeaaaaah. It's gotta be tough on Vaughn, no? Going to see your uncle and all you can do is watch him die? Syd's all, yeah. Totally. Can you leave or something? Weiss is all, yeah, my mom used to clean stuff when she was nervous or couldn't control the outcome of something. Syd's all, I like a clean sink. Weiss is all, I buy that about as much as I buy that Vaughn hasn't contacted you. But you would tell me if there was something I needed to be concerned about, right? Because Vaughn is as much my boyfriend as he is yours. Syd's all, yeah. Okay? YEAH. I'll tell you if your boyfriend is hurt or damaged or not bringing you a goddamn present from Paris, okay? You seriously need a hobby, Weiss. Or, I don't know, A GIRLFRIEND. Oh, wait. You do have a girlfriend. You're just more interested in Vaughn than you are her. Great. Could you pass me the Clorox? I need to bleach the drain. AND YOUR CEREBRAL CORTEX.
Paris. Omar's on his cell phone, talking to his boss. After informing his employer of the current situation, the boss apparently wants to talk to Vaughn, because Omar hands the phone over. Vaughn takes the phone, and the Voice of Distortion on the other end says that Vaughn violated their agreement. Vaughn says that he's sick of the games and he wants some answers. The VOD says that Vaughn needs to channel his anger into his assignment. Vaughn's like, assignment? I don't think so. VOD is like, oh, continue to be like that and the information you want just gets more dear. You read what I'm sending you, homes? Vaughn's like, that's it. I'm done. Move on. "Check beneath the table," says VOD. "What?" says Vaughn. "Beneath the table," says VOD, "there's an envelope. Open it." Vaughn reaches beneath the table and grabs a small manila envelope. He opens it. Inside are a dozen or so pictures of a man who could very well be Bill Vaughn. He looks about fifty or so, and he's sitting at a café table. "If you still wish to back out," says the VOD, "feel free to do so." "He's alive," says Vaughn. "Your father is very much alive," says the VOD. "The question, Mr. Vaughn, is how far you are willing to go to find him."
And now is the time on Alias when we slide, push yer booty back, slide, push yer booty back, sliiiiiiide.
Quantico Prison. Nadia enters and Katya is singing a lovely tune. Nadia remarks on it, and Katya says it was a song their father used to sing and it was one of Irina's favorites. Good god, I love Isabella Rossellini. She could show up to read the damn phone book and I'd be rapt with attention. Katya approaches the bars and touches Nadia's face gently. Nadia seems genuinely touched by the contact. It's a nice moment.
Apple Store. Marshall's on a mission. A mission to prove that Jack needs a Silkwood shower. He enters Jack's office and delivers a sheaf of papers that need Jack's signature. What the papers are isn't really important. What's important is that Marshall gets Jack's fingerprints all over them. Marshall asks if Jack's had a chance to see a doctor since the radiation incident. Jack just says he's fine and hands the documents over. Marshall heads right over to his Garage of Geekdom and processes the fingerprints. He gathers some samples of Jack's traces and puts them in a tube, marking them as "Patient 17," and sends them off for analysis.
Back at Quantico, Katya's relating a totally irrelevant story about Irina and their childhood. What's important here is that Katya is holding the bar of chocolate that Nadia wouldn't let Weiss have earlier. She's telling this story of how Irina would pickpocket people and use the money to buy the Derevko sisters candy. Nadia is charmed. Katya says that all was well until their father discovered what they'd been doing. "Yelena and I were terrified," she says, "but not your mother." Katya's unwrapped the chocolate and is holding a piece. "She stood there, finishing the candy, smiling. We were waiting for her to get hit, but instead, our father laughed, looking at this little rebel in front of him. Your mother can be quite stubborn. Much like your sister." Oh, that's nice. Way to bring it around, Auntie Obvious.
"How is Sydney?" asks Katya, getting right up close on the bars. Nadia backs off, saying she's told Katya that Sydney's off limits. Katya acknowledges this and waves a bit of the chocolate in Nadia's face. "Thank you," she says, taking a bite. "My mother, Irina," says Nadia, "did she ever talk about me?" "It's happening sooner than I expected," says Katya. "What's happening?" asks Nadia. Katya rolls up her sleeve. Her arm is an angry red. "I'm deathly allergic to chocolate," she says. "In fifteen seconds, my breathing will become difficult and I will lose consciousness." Nadia looks alarmed. "Tell Sydney, this is how far I'm willing to go to see her," spits Katya, falling to the floor. Nadia calls for the guard and Katya tells Nadia to tell Sydney.
Paris. Vaughn's standing around as Omar walks up all, yeah, you wanna find your dad on your own? Vaughn's all, dude? What in the HELL are we doing here? Omar tells him that he hired a team of independent contractors to help them with the job at hand. Vaughn's all, and that job is? Omar's all, like that matters? Vaughn's all, IT DOES TO ME. Omar's all, okay, so, what we're supposed to steal is an instruction manual of sorts. Omar goes on to say that the coil wasn't being used properly. Vaughn's all, and I give a shit about the coil? Omar's all, dude? I am just like you. I don't give a shit about the coil or the instruction manual or anything else. I just get paid, you know? Omar goes on to pull some seriously sick psycho bullshit on Vaughn, saying something akin to, "Where was your daddy when you and your mama where standing over his grave, mourning him?" It's sort of pointless, really, when you know what the resolution of this episode is. Just then, a horn honks, and a car pulls up. Omar and Vaughn get in.
Baddie Central. We're now in the belly of the beast. Omar and Vaughn enter a garage or something and a bunch of baddies, hired by the same person who hired Omar, are hanging out. They seem to be planning a heist of some sort. Izabella Scorupco is there, looking devilishly gorgeous, as usual. Omar introduces Vaughn. "This is Mike." Izabella looks him over. "So, is he any good? Or is he just eye candy?" Oh, both, Izabella. Both. Omar introduces Izabella as Sabina, and also introduces the other members of the team who wind up dead or something later, so their names don't really matter. One of the probably dead guys tries to offer Vaughn a beer, but Vaughn's like, uh, dude? How 'bout you tell me why I'm here and THEN I'll consider drinking your beer. Oh, hell, Vaughn. Drink the damn beer. I would have. But then, I'm a career alcoholic, so I would have been like, THERE'S BEER? FUCK THE MISSION. Yeah. I have a problem.
Omar finally clues everyone into what their mission actually is. It's a two-pronged plan. Tomorrow at midnight, an armored transport will be leaving Darmstadt carrying a very valuable item. Apparently, it's so important that spell check doesn't even QUESTION the word "Darmstadt." The Baddies will be stealing the valuable item. But to do it, they're going to need a cold laser. Too bad the cold laser prototype hasn't even hit the streets yet. It's in a secure R&D wing at a hospital in Bordeaux. Heavily guarded. "Civilians?" asks Vaughn. "Yeah, you got a problem wit dat?" asks Omar. Uh, YEAH, dude. Have you not MET the man? "No," says Vaughn, with almost no hesitation. Oh. I was wrong. I've met the man and…apparently, I've met the man who doesn't think twice when it comes to killing innocent people. Nice.
Apple Store. Jack is called into Sloane's office. Sloane wants to know why Dixon has been taken out of field rotation. Jack says he authorized it. Sloane says he knows; Jack's signature is all over the forms. Sloane wants to know if Jack really thinks it's wise to be an agent short when Vaughn is still rogue. Jack says that he didn't have a choice; the director of the DSR contacted him and, since they're keeping Vaughn's rogue status secret, Jack thought it best to comply with his request. "I see," says Sloane. "What, exactly, is the nature of Dixon's assignment?" "I'm afraid that's confidential as well," says Jack. "From you or from me?" spits Sloane. Jack says nothing. Sloane gets up and is all, dude? You don't have to be a goddamn genius to figure it out. It's Rambaldi, isn't it? Jack just grimaces. Sloane's all, yeah, I get it. It's Rambaldi. Fine. But Dixon is still a member of my team and I should know what in the hell my team is up to. Jack is all, chill, dude. It's a routine transport. Darmstadt. "And I assure you," says Jack, "the risks are…minimal." Oh, don't speak so quickly, Jack.
Syd's heading toward her desk when Dix intercepts her. He has Clippers tickets, third row center, and he can't go 'cuz he has to go get shot by Vaughn. Syd can't go either. She's swamped with worrying about her boyfriend and cleaning underneath the refrigerator. Dix can't give them to his son because he's twelve and has a rather demanding date who doesn't like the Clippers. The hell? I didn't date when I was twelve. I barely moved when I was twelve. Dixon leaves, throwing back a "We should have dinner" invite as he goes. Nadia shows up and tells Syd that they need to talk.
Corridor of Non-Bugging Devices Because Why Would They Be Talking Like This If There Were. Syd's all, dude? How long have you been hanging out with Auntie Katya? Nadia's all, it was our third visit. Relax. Syd's all, "relax"? This is exactly why I warned you about her, okay? Nadia's like, oh, get down off your high horse. Katya's the only damn person who has been willing to talk to me about our mother. "Irina Derevko was manipulative and cruel," sneers Syd. "She was also our mother," says Nadia. Syd's like, oh, please. I know this may come as some surprise to you, but our mother, while having killer arms and a nice head of hair, was a complete and utter beeyotch. Nadia's all, yeah, honey, I know her crimes. I also know she helped your ass at the CIA. "Until she betrayed us," spits Syd. "Which she always did." Oh, snap. "There's more to her than is in her file," says Nadia. "Katya told me stories --" "And you believed her?" asks Syd, incredulous. "Well, some of it, yes," says Nadia. Oh, Nadia. You're SO not a Derevko. If you were, you would have had a healthy distrust of every last thing that came out of Katya's mouth. Trust me on this.
Syd tries to convince Nadia that she's deluding herself. "I'm sorry," she says. "I've been through this before. Katya is doing the same thing to you that Irina did to me. Telling me what I wanted to hear, appealing to what I wanted, more than anything else in the world -- a mother. A family. It was all a manipulation." Syd looks at her sister. "Do you want to know the truth about our mother? Our mother put a hit on my life. Our mother tried to have me killed." "Why didn't you tell me?" asks Nadia. "There was never any reason to," says Syd. "Oh my god, Syd," says Nadia. "If I knew, I --" "Where is she? Katya?" says Syd. Nadia tells her that Katya's in the hospital. Syd heads off.
Bordeaux. Vaughn and Izzy burst into the emergency room. Izzy's got blood all over her forehead. Vaughn's dressed in a tux. I'm torn between paying attention to the rest of this scene and watching Michael Vartan in a tux. It's a nice war. Vaughn talks to some random doctor in French and says that a car came out of nowhere and now his sweet girl is injured. The doctors put Izzy on a gurney and haul her into another area. She's crying and screaming and generally acting like a woman injured. Vaughn follows, arguing with the doctor in French. Oh, good god, do I love to listen to Michael Vartan speak French. The doctor attending Izzy starts fully examining her and when he begins to peel off her fake wound, the jig, she is up. She floors her doctor and Vaughn floors his. "I always hated going to the doctor," smirks Izzy, peeling off her "wound." She and Vaughn grab the doctors' ID badges and change into nurse and doctor uniforms in order to go grab the cold laser.
Minutes later, Vaughn, dressed as a doctor, and Izzy, dressed as a nurse, are stalking through the halls. Vaughn passes his ID card through a gateway and he and Izzy enter the secured area. Deeper down, a door opens and Vaughn enters a red-lit super-secret area. He moves instantly over to the laser. He asks for some light, and Izzy removes a belt from her thigh. It's pretty obvious that we're supposed to think that Izzy is a Syd replacement; she's smart, pretty, and ready for anything that's thrown her way. The one problem is: she's not Syd. And Vaughn knows this. So, he's treating Izzy as what she is: his assistant.
In order to remove the cold laser from its place, Vaughn has to make sure to not destroy the emitter. Izzy wants to know if they can't just unplug it or something. Vaughn's like, oh, sure, yeah. If you want to blow it up and kill ourselves in the process. I don't think you want to do that, do you? What would the Bond Girl reunion be without you? As Vaughn works on the laser, Izzy asks him questions. She's all, so, you're CIA, huh? He's all, is that what Omar told you? Izzy's all, Omar said you're in a period of transition. Vaughn's all, oh, doesn't Omar tell the nicest stories? You should check out his story hour at the damn UCLA library. His fables are the BEST.
Izzy spills that she tried out for the CIA because they were looking for female agents with Russian language skills. They rejected her. Heh. "You're probably better off," says Vaughn, still working on the laser. "That's what I figure," says Izzy. "More profit…and more fun, too." She leans into Vaughn when she says this. He has absolutely no reaction to her. He fixes the laser and goes to remove it. "Let me help," says Izzy, moving faaaaaaar too close to Vaughn. He pulls back. "I'm good, thanks," he snits. Heh. Vaughn removes the laser and puts it down on a table. Just then, a security guard enters. He's greeted with Vaughn, doing naughty things to Izzy up against a wall. The guard clears his throat and Vaughn turns, all haughty and French. "How dare you! Get out of here!" The guard's all, excusez-moi! Je m'excuse! I just need to check your identifications. Vaughn moves forward to show his ID and…then they fight.
Look. I know I have a thing for Michael Vartan, okay? That's established. But in this scene? In the red light? With him kicking some stranger's ass? I basically felt myself giving up the Catholic Church and praying to the Holy Apostolic Church of Vartan because, y'all? Dude KICKS ASS in this scene. And I don't care if most of it was his stunt double. All I care about is that it made Michael Vartan look gooooood. And gooooood is where I want Michael Vartan to be. So, finally, the guard drops. Vaughn looks down at him for a good second, and then walks away. He shouldn't have. Because the second he walks away, the guard gets up and shoots and…Izzy drops him with a single shot. "Let's go," she says, grabbing the laser. Vaughn looks down at the innocent man they just killed. "We need to leave now," she says, moving past him. Vaughn just looks down at him, aghast at what he might have done.
Storage Facility of Poorly Received Bad Girl Seductions. Izzy's treating a wound on Vaughn's arm as she remarks that she saw Vaughn's face when she killed the guard and surmises that he didn't like it so much, even though she saved his life. "You haven't stopped brooding since we left the hospital," she says. "Yeah? Well, maybe it's because I don't like being here," he snaps at her. "With you." HA! Izzy just leans in and says that she thinks this is exactly where he wants to be. She then proceeds to nuzzle and kiss his neck. Vaughn's kind of lets her do it a little, making us think that maybe he likes it, but then he just hauls off and throws her down on the cot, spitting, "Consider this the second time you've been rejected by the CIA." HEE! He gets off her and storms off. That's what you get for messin' wit mah man, SLUT.
Maximum Security Prison Hospital of Duplicitous Aunties. Syd stalks in and orders Katya to stay the hell away from her sister. Katya's just like, okay, you need to bring the 'tude down a few notches, sweetheart. You think you have it all figured out, but you don't. Far from it. "The last time I saw you, Aunt Katya, you tried to put a bullet in my head," sneers Syd. "Given the opportunity, I wouldn't mind seeing you suffer. Consider this visit a warning. Leave Nadia alone." Syd starts to leave, her task completed. "I had no intention of killing you," says Katya. "And neither did your mother." Syd stops and turns around. "What do you know about that?" Katya goes on to say that since being told that Irina wanted her dead, Syd's probably been racking her brains trying to figure out why Irina might have wanted her eliminated. "Before dying," says Katya, "Irina tried to contact me. She believed someone was setting her up, wanting it to appear that she was trying to have you killed. I need you to get me that message. Bring it to me. It's the least you could do for her." Syd just stares at her aunt as if she's covered in pink frosting and chocolate sprinkles.
Marshall's Garage of Geekdom. Sloane enters and berates Marshall for authorizing the Jack's DNA test tube analysis. Marshall blames his scatterbrain-ness on being a new father and not getting lots of sleep lately. He cagily asks if the results came back on the sample, and Sloane tells him that they did and that they're not good. The subject was suffering from a large-scale genetic mutation. Sloane thinks the sample belongs to one of Elya's dead patients, not Jack. Sloane reprimands Marshall again, some more, and once he leaves, Marshall looks distinctly green around the gills because Spy Daddy is apparently going to morph into donkey-tailed web-footed duck-billed freak or something.
Deep Down Baddie Den of Iniquities. The baddies are trying to cement their plan. Omar mentions something about how the "instruction manual" they're stealing is the creation of a fifteenth-century inventor. Vaughn's Rambaldi bells must be clanging away. I know mine are. Omar starts laying out the route plan and mentions an armored transport and suddenly, Vaughn somehow realizes that they're going to be hitting a CIA convoy. He pulls Omar into a side room and bitches at him about needing Vaughn all along for this gig, with or without the stupid coil. Omar basically says, yeah, pretty much. You got a problem wit dat? He says that a lot. Omar goes on to say that Vaughn should be thanking him for tracking his father down, which, considering how this entire situation turns out, is kind of, well, rude, actually. Vaughn's like, dude, you're asking me to betray my agency. Omar's like, color me a bright shade of I don't give a shit. Vaughn's all, if I do this, I can't go back to the CIA. Omar's all, that has a certain bit of symmetry to it, no? Like father, like son. Omar continues to pull that psychobabble booshit on Vaughn, saying that Bill Vaughn is a bad guy because he let his wife and son think he was dead for twenty-five years. "That's a bad guy," says Omar. He tells Vaughn to think about that, and Vaughn fires up his four thousandth forehead wrinkle and starts pondering the badness of his daddy.
Apple Store. Sloane's hacking into the Pentagon at his non-product-placed-iBook when Nadia walks up and informs him that she's been visiting with Katya, and she wanted to let him know before he found out through official channels. Sloane seems neither surprised nor bothered. Nadia says she thought Katya could help fill in the blanks where Irina was concerned. Sloane thanks her for telling him, and she moves to leave. "Nadia?" asks Sloane, stopping her. "What did she tell you?" "Nothing I didn't already know," says Nadia. Sloane gets up and goes to his daughter. He says some crap about how he and Irina were cut from the same cloth and how they both did some unforgivable things. But, he assures his daughter, Irina was also capable of love. He's sure that Irina cared for Nadia just as much as she cared for Sydney and, even though she's not here to answer Nadia's questions, Irina loved her. "I'd like to believe that," says Nadia, tears collecting in her eyes. "Then do," whispers Sloane in a way that just…doesn't sound right. He can make the sweetest, most heartfelt, words just sound ookier than all get out. He hugs his daughter and makes this kind of creepy lizard-y face when she can't see him. He's just sick and wrong and not of the Lord.
Magical Music Box Shop of Secret Messages. Sydney enters and talks to the proprietor. She's there to pick up a repair and only has the service number, not the ticket. She recites it to him and he goes to get the item. It's a music box. No, not THAT music box. A different one. Syd opens it, and a classical tune plays that I can't quite place. The music box has already been paid for, so she picks it up and goes to leave. Her phone rings and she answers. No one speaks on the other end. It's Vaughn. "Vaughn?" says Sydney. "Say something." He can't and doesn't and finally hangs up.
Deep Down Baddie Den of Iniquities. Vaughn slams into the place and declares that if they're going to do this job right, they're going to do it his way. He starts to outline his plan as we switch back and forth between the CIA transport and the Den of Iniquities. Vaughn declares that the CIA is going to use their best agents and that's the moment we see Dixon take the Rambaldi document case from another guy. Vaughn then says that they can use the cold laser to get into the safe, but without the code, the safe's backup system will kick into gear. So, Vaughn'll bypass the system and Izzy'll man the laser. They'll only have three minutes. We switch to Dixon putting the document in the safe and closing it. Then he closes the truck door on a guard whose job it is to sit inside and guard the safe. Vaughn then tells his team that there will be no shooting on the job since the CIA obeys strict orders not to shoot until shot upon. Everyone agrees to the plan and moves out.
Ovary Electric. Syd's futzing with the music box. As it plays, some numbers seem to be flashing across Syd's chest. How she looks down at her boobs as the numbers flash there is really hilarious. She has this expression of, "Well, I'll be damned! I have boobs! With numbers on them! Who knew?" Just then, Nadia shows up, so Syd slams the lid on the box. Nadia apologizes for going to see Katya and then goes on to kind of blah blah about her dad being Arvin Sloane and how he kind of sucks and how she always wanted to meet her parents until she found out they were both murdering traitorous assholes but that Sloane's changed and there's good in him and she was hoping that the same would be true of their mother. Syd says she's sorry that poor Nadia was all caught up in that damn fairy tale. The doorbell rings. Nadia says it's Eric and they're going to lunch. Syd declines Nadia's invitation to join them and returns to her music box as soon as Nadia leaves. She furiously writes down the Boob Numbers as they appear.
Apple Store. Syd's at her computer, researching the Boob Numbers. What she finds is a rather large bank account under the name "A. Sloane." And, yes, I incorrectly stated in the recaplet that this account made it look like "Arvin Sloane" put the hit out on Syd. It wasn't a big mistake, but, you know, judging from the amount of helpfully instructional emails I got informing me that it didn't say ARVIN Sloane, it simply said A Sloane, and that's different from ARVIN and so this doesn't indicate that ARVIN is a bad man but instead indicates that A is a bad man, I'd say there are some people out there to whom this was a very big mistake indeed. And to you, I heartily apologize. Now go get me a goddamn martini.
Darmstadt. The CIA convoy is making its way along a rain-drenched street. Dixon's transport stops at a light. One of the baddies pulls up to him. Omar pulls up behind him, playing some rap music super-loud on his stereo. He's also wearing sunglasses. At night. Which, you know, is a prime indicator of just how bad a bad guy you really are. So, the truck is surrounded and Vaughn and Izzy are lying on dollies underneath Omar's car. Vaughn gives Izzy the go-ahead and they both scoot over underneath the armored truck. Vaughn sprays something on the underbelly of the car and then goes at it with a blowtorch. Inside the truck, the rent-a-cop is all, huh? What's that foggy stuff coming through the -- WHAP! The grate comes up and smacks the rent-a-cop in the face. He falls, then Vaughn tosses some device into the truck and the cop's knocked out. Meanwhile, the light turns green and the cars all start to move forward.
Vaughn and Izzy climb up into the truck and go to work. Vaughn hits the safe bypass portion of the job and Izzy sets up the laser. This scene is supposed to be really tense, but, considering that we know Vaughn shoots Dixon at the end of this, it really winds up being more…time-consuming than anything else. Izzy fires up the laser and cuts into the safe. Vaughn disarms the backup system at the same time. The convoy enters a construction tunnel, and Omar checks in with Vaughn and Izzy, asking them if they have the goods. They do. Izzy tells Omar the package is secured and Part Deux of their plan goes into play.
One of the baddie cars squeals in front of the truck as one of the remaining baddies drives a construction vehicle directly into the side of the armored truck. Dix sees all this and orders his driver to turn back. Vaughn and Izzy jump out of the truck. Dix shoes up and orders everyone to drop their weapons. No one listens. And that's when Dumbass Baddie #1 starts shooting the hell out of everyone. And that's when the shit hits the fan and we catch up to the beginning of the episode where Dixon chases two masked people, only now we know the masked people are Vaughn and Izzy. Running. Chasing. Shooting. Running. Chasing. Shooting. Finally, we end where we began, with Dixon shot in the chest. The only difference between this scene now and how it was played before is that we clearly see this time that Vaughn's instincts completely took over and he basically shot Dix as a reflex after seeing Dix shoot his partner. It says a lot about Vaughn's loyalty, even when his partner is a bitchy bad girl with a penchant for licking his neck.
So, Vaughn makes his way over to Dix and, even though there's no reason to, Vaughn removes his mask. The hell? Keep the mask ON, dude. Dix doesn't know who the hell you are! Dix doesn't seem to have his eyes open at this time, however, so maybe he doesn't see Vaughn. It's also unclear at this point whether or not Dix is wearing a bulletproof vest, but I have to assume that he is because he winds up living, according to the end of the episode. I don't mean to get ahead of myself here; I just wanted to point out that at no time during this particular section of the episode does anyone make it clear that Dix survives.
Baddie Meeting Place of Pissed-Off Rogue Agents. Vaughn walks in and Omar asks to see the manuscript. Vaughn's all, I'll show you a manuscript -- BAM! Vaughn grabs Omar and says, "He's been dead all along, hasn't he?" Omar's all, the huh? In the whuh? Vaughn's all, TELL ME HE'S DEAD. Omar's all, NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Vaughn's all, I'M NOT KIDDING, TELL ME HE'S DEAD. Omar's all, HAVE YOU SNAPPED YOUR CAP? Vaughn's all, SAY IT. Before Vaughn can haul off and deck Omar for the seventh time, Omar finally 'fesses up and says, "Irina Derevko killed him. The pictures, the witness, the journals, everything was fake." Damn. That's a hell of a lot of effort to go to just to get a guy to do job for you. Vaughn asks Omar who he works for and, when Omar won't answer, Vaughn kicks the shit out of him. "Sloane," Omar finally says. "I work for Sloane." Then he passes out, and Vaughn looks like he just ate a flaming piece of candy-coated poo.
Prison Cells of Recovered Chocoholics. Katya asks Syd if she found the message. Syd says she did, and that she uncovered payments to the assassin who tried to kill her. The records exonerate Irina, and Katya wants Sydney to make it right again. "My mother traced the bank payments to their source," says Sydney grimly. "She discovered who it was." "In that case," says Katya, sitting down heavily, "if I'd gotten the message in time…" "She'd still be alive," says Sydney, probably realizing that if she hadn't had Katya's ass put in jail, her mother might still be around to mess with her head on a regular basis. "Who is it?" snaps Katya. "Before I tell you," says Sydney, "you must promise me: Nadia can never know." Yeah. Like she's not gonna find out SOMETIME. My dad used to hide his porno mags from us kids and we always found 'em. Kids just…know stuff.
Jack's Office of Radioactive Isotopes and Mutant Donkey Ears. Marshall enters and tells Jack that he may be very sick and should be taking a number of tests to determine just how sick he may be. Jack doesn't care to discuss it. Marshall doesn't care that Jack doesn't care. "Dammit, you may not care what happens to you, but what happens to you affects other people. Sydney, for example. Have you ever thought about that?" Jack has this look on his face that's like, damn! When'd Marshall learn to yell at me like that? And does this mean I can have him killed now? "You need to see a doctor now!" Marshall finishes, only to turn and see Sneaky Sloane in the doorway all, do we have a problem here, gentlemen? Marshall leaves, his mission not accomplished. Sloane enters and says, "Jack? Is there something we need to discuss? Jack just sucks on a radioactive lemon and glows pink and green.
Ovary Electric. Syd's relaxing at home when the doorbell rings. It's Vaughn, rogue agent no more. They sweetly say hi to each other and then hug. Aw. He looks exhausted. She kisses him gently on the cheek. "He's dead, Syd," says Vaughn. "My father. He's been dead all along. I think." He goes on to say that he just suddenly realized that his father would never have left him and his mother, not for anything. "The man that I knew could never have walked away from the people he loved." "How did you know?" asks Syd. "'Cuz I couldn't either," he says with a sweet smile. Syd looks down all, aw! My boyfriend loves me! Vaughn ruins the moment by saying, "It was Sloane. I should have seen it all along. I swear to god, Syd. I am gonna kill that son of a bitch." Syd just looks at him for a second. "Come inside," she says. "There's something I have to tell you." Heh. They're going after Uncle Inappropriate, y'all.
Speaking of Sloane, he's sitting at his computer when Jack enters and informs him that Vaughn's returned. Sloane's all, uh, that's nice. Where was he? Jack's all, uh, that's for me to know and you to find out and he retrieved the coil and that's all that really matters, isn't it? Jack then says that Dix ran into some interference abroad, but that he had his vest on, so he's okay. Well, good thing we started the episode with his fake death, then. Jack says that Sloane was right; they shouldn't have let Dixon go on that mission. Sloane asks about the artifact, and Jack tells him it's secured. "Unless there's something else, I'm headed out, you creepy, sneaky little shit," says Jack. "There isn't," says Sloane, "you uptight priggish radioactive circus freak. Have a good night, jackass." "You too, you teeny tiny miniscule little man." I could be guessing on the subtext here.
Santiago. A hand hangs up a phone, and we see that the hand belongs to a rather worried man. He removes his other hand from his mouth and reluctantly gets up and walks to another room. Once inside, he says, "Mr. Sloane? I'm sorry to report, Mr. Sloane, we didn't recover the manuscript and Roberts hasn't reported in." The camera pans over, and the man in the chair is not Ron Rifkin. The man in the chair is the Emcee from Cabaret. The man in the chair is Joel Grey and he's doing his finest Arvin Sloane impersonation. "I see," he trills. "Nothing changes. Everything proceeds as planned." D'oh! Damn. He really could be Sloane's doppelganger. Why do I think this isn't a good thing?
on Alias: Syd spills the beans about Sloane's assassination plot, even though I'm now thinking it was the Other Mr. Sloane's assassination plot. Also? In the previews? There's a really creepy shot of Sloane, like, butchering someone. And Spy Daddy puts a gun to Arvin's head and, oddly, I'm more scared of Arvin than I am of Jack in that moment. Good Lord.