Previously on Alias: The show kicked all kinds of ass. Syd found out she had a sister. Vaughn found out Moronen was the mole. Sloane died. Then Jack brought him back. It was AWESOME.
Tonight on Alias: I have an aneurysm. Seriously. If you notice portions of the recap deteriorating, that's just me. Having a mini-stroke. From having to pay attention so damn hard to all the shit that's crammed into this episode that my brain actually EXPLODES.
We start off with Vaughn and Dix. They're down at the shooting range, and Vaughn's taking shots at cutouts of Moronen with her leaky eyeliner showing. Vaughn's pissed because he hasn't had the chance to tell his wife to go fuck herself yet. Dix is sympathetic, but it doesn't matter, because now that Sloane's dead (not), they've reached a dead (not) end in the search for The Passenger, so Moronen's too valuable of an ass -- erm, "asset" for them to lose right now. Oh, whatever. Just shoot her. Dix blah blahs about how they can use Moronen to feed disinformation to the Covenant in order to keep them from bunking up Jack and Syd's investigation. He assures Vaughn that as soon as they find The Passenger, they'll put Moronen into custody. Until then, Weiss will keep up surveillance on her. "I'm sorry," says Dix with a huff. Vaughn just cocks (hee!) his gun, aims, and blows the eyeliner right off Moronen's face.
And can I just say, for the record, that there's nothing quite as hot as Michael Vartan shooting a gun. I know it's wrong. I know it bespeaks a streak of violence within me. I know that guns are bad. I don't care. Michael Vartan can pop a cap in my ass any old time.
Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Aw! How I missed the SDD! It's been away too long! That used to be my favorite place back in S1 and S2. Well, that and Mama Hari's Den of Delights. Sigh. I miss S1 and S2. Sniffle. Ahem. Okay, so we're in the SDD, and Syd's entering with a briefcase that I assume holds The Hourglass. She snits something about not being sure she should have come. Jack, for his part, appreciates that Sydney could put aside her misplaced anger and rather irritating holier-than-thou attitude in order to just fucking show up. He turns to her and reveals that he did find evidence that Sloane was working with The Trust. Syd's all, uh, dude? It's a little late for you to be telling me this now. Duh. Sloane's dead, y'all. Jack's all, uh, yeah, about that…
"Sydney," says Sloane, emerging from the shadows. Syd just kind of catches her breath. Jack explains that he was about to give Marlon the goods on Sloane's innocence when he all of a sudden realized that Marlon was a member of The Trust. What was it that gave him away, Jack? The fact that he was, I don't know, standing? Walking? Talking? ALIVE? Because, like, that little moment of Marlon and Jack talking before Jack was supposed to hand over the Sloane file gave NO indication to me whatsoever that Marlon was a baddie. And you know what? I'm not going back over the tape to confirm this. Suffice it to say, Jack Bristow is, along with being the ass-kicking-est daddy on the face of the planet, apparently psychic and a damn fine judge of people. Except for his wife. And occasionally Sloane. And apparently Moronen. And…I think I just deflated this argument.
Right. Moving on. Syd and Jack make their way over to Sloane as Jack tells her that executing Sloane was apparently part of The Trust's big-picture plan. In case we missed the last episode and the last recap, Ron Rifkin brings us up to speed on that whole wine-that-makes-you-immune-to-death-penalty-drugs scenario. So. See. Sloane wasn't dead. He just seemed to be dead. Get it? "Sydney," says Sloane, "whatever grief my apparent death might have caused you, I only wish I could have spared you the pain --" Oh, dude. You just. Oh, man. Syd's gonna rip you a new one, dude. And here she goes. "When I heard you were dead, the only grief I felt was over the possibility of never knowing my sister. I did not grieve for you." Well put, Syd. Sloane agrees with me. "I see," he says with a wry grimace. "Well, in the interest of finding your sister," he says grimly, "may I have The Hourglass?"
Syd looks to Jack, who just nods in response. She goes to open the case as Jack asks Sloane what Spy Sis's value really is. Because he just KNOWS Sloane's hiding something from everyone. Did I mention the psychic? And yet, this psychic ability somehow fails to notify Jack that Sloane's really just interested in kidnapping his kid so he can do things to her with green goo. I'm just sayin'. Sloane looks up. "When I was searching for her, I made a discovery," he says, launching us into some serious flashbacking. "Did someone call for a pizza?" shrieks the Exposition Fairy, slamming open the chain gate and careening over to the trio. Everyone just ignores her as Sloane continues, telling Jack and Syd that he found some Rambaldi text that foretold of a person -- a passenger, if you will -- who would serve as a direct conduit to Rambaldi. "WHAT?" screams the Exposition Fairy with her mouth full of pepperoni. "Are they fucking KIDDING with this shit? God. It's no wonder I drink!" Syd chucks a Schlitz at the Fairy's head. "Oh, please," she says, under her breath. "Like you need a reason to drink." "Watch it, sweetheart," says the Exposition Fairy, cracking the beer. "This whole show is ONE BIG REASON TO DRINK. And if you don't pass me the cheese curls, I'll leave, and you'll never know the whole story behind your sister, mmm-kay?"
After the cheese curls are passed, Sloane continues with a roll of the eyes. See, the Rambaldi text contained a formula for an elixir ("HA!" chomps the Fairy) and Sloane made up a batch of this elixir, which appears to be made of nuclear-powered swamp algae. According to Rambaldi, when injected, this elixir would bring about an altered state of consciousness ("Jesus," chews the Fairy. "I'll give you an altered state of consciousness. I'm in an altered state of consciousness from the second I fucking wake up!"), allowing The Passenger to channel a message. As Sloane tells this story, we get a repeat performance of that time when Sloane injected himself with the green goo. "Hey, that shit looks good," smacks the Fairy, emptying the bag of cheese curls into her gaping maw. "You got any of that stuff left? The Tooth Fairy took my last eighth. Little tramp."
So, yeah, whatever. You inject the goo, and apparently you channel Rambaldi and you say something. The message you deliver is rumored to be the key to Rambaldi's endgame. Jack just looks at Sloane like, "Dude? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Christ on a popsicle stick, you are one dumb-ass mo-fo." Oh, but Sloane's not done yet. While we watch Sloane inject the green goo, he actually TELLS us that he injected the green goo. You know. In case we CAN'T SEE THE TV. And while I have great sympathy and concern for those among us who are blind, if you are not blessed with the gift of sight and you're actually attempting to follow this show? I…I shall pray for you, my friends. I shall pray. So, okay, Sloane injects the goo to channel the old dude and…yeah, nothing happens. Which brings us back to The Passenger. "FINALLY!" screams the Fairy, licking the inside of the pizza box. The green goo is meant only for The Passenger. Unfortunately, if the Covenant gets their hands on The Passenger, they'll inject her with massive doses of the Green Goo™ and she'll be a goner. Because, apparently, in small doses? You talk to Rambaldi. In big doses? You…talk with a bad accent? I don't know. You die, I guess. Although, since this has never been tried before, I'm absolutely astounded that anyone can even venture a guess as to just what effect this will have on ANYONE, let alone a girl no one's ever even fucking MET BEFORE.
Sloane wants to prevent the possibility of the Covenant laying "waste to [The Passenger's] psyche" and eventually killing his only child. That's why he's helping Syd and Jack. "All I want to do is to protect my child," sputters Sloane. And, knowing what we know now (that is, if we've seen the episode, and I'm assuming we all have), this sentence is almost comically overwrought. Heh. Sloane's such a duplicitous prick. Syd wants to know how they find her sister. "We use this," says Sloane, reaching for The Hourglass. He picks it up, raises it over his head as Syd and Jack watch with horror, and then heaves it down to the ground, where it shatters, releasing…wait for it…Green Goo™. The Green Goo™ forms a…big ball of Green Goo™. Hey. When did we slip over from Alias to Ghostbusters? I didn't notice Bill Murray or Harold Ramis in the room. Although you can bet your ass if either one of those guys were in the room, this scene would be a whole hell of a lot funnier, not to mention FASTER.
Oops Center. Moronen's going through her files, looking for an errant receipt for a purchase of fourteen boxes of L'Oreal black kohl eyeliner and two cases of Bonne Belle Lipsmackers in Ragin' Raspberry. Vaughn walks up and asks why Moronen's at the office, since she was supposed to be working from home today. Moronen just says she had to pick up her files and her workbook on "How To Be A Lousy Spy," and then she's outta there. She shoots him a sideways glance and mentions something about their Fiji trip. Vaughn just tells her to consider month to get away. She says "I love you," kisses him, and he totally doesn't return the "I love you." Heh. His phone rings, and it's Brill. Remember him? He reminds Vaughn how they met and tells him he has something important to reveal about Daddy Vaughn. He tells Vaughn where to meet him and when, and they ring off. Moronen asks who it was, and Vaughn just delivers this lame excuse that it's the dry cleaners and he has to go pick up a suit that's been there since 1982. Moronen offers to pick it up, but Vaughn tells her to get the hell outta there and fucking leave him alone already so he can go find out the dirt on his dad. Moronen leaves, and Vaughn shoots Weiss a look like, dude? Go git her. Weiss goes and gits her.
Moronen gets into her car and drives off. Weiss follows. Hee. Weiss actually gets to leave the office again! And drive! Yay! More Weiss! More Weiss! Excuse me. Over at the Daddies Have Secrets Too Meet 'n' Greet, Vaughn's standing outside an elevator. It opens to reveal Shaft, a.k.a. Richard Roundtree, a.k.a. Brill, standing there, waiting for Vaughn. Vaughn gets into the elevator, and the two of them start riding it up or down or sideways or something. Brill starts his story. "I told you I worked with your father," he begins, "but what I didn't tell you is that I was with him on his last mission." WHUMP! That sound you hear is the body of the Exposition Fairy landing on top of the elevator. "LEMME IN! LEMME IN! I GOT SOME EXPOSITING TO DO!" Brill stops the elevator. The Exposition Fairy rolls over and falls through the service entrance into the cab. "OW. OWWWW! God, I hate this FUCKING JOB. I look like fuckin' Stevie Nicks! OWWW!"
The men ignore this intrusion and get a move on the expositing. Vaughn's all, yeah, dude, I know how my father died. Brill's all, save it, little soldier. You don't have a goddamn clue. "He doesn't, you know," grunts the Fairy. "Have a clue, that is. ABOUT ANYTHING." Brill kicks the Fairy in the head and tells Vaughn that Papa Vaughn was actually on an operation that wasn't sanctioned by the CIA. Vaughn's all, dude! No WAY! My dad would NEVER go against the CIA! Brill's all, dude! WAY! "He was a follower of Rambaldi," says Brill. "That's impossible," snaps Vaughn. Was so! Was not! Was so! Was not! So! Not! "ENOUGH!" scraps the Fairy, whipping out a bottle of Cuervo. "GET ON WITH IT!"
Brill reveals that Papa Vaughn died protecting "the little girl." The Followers of Rambaldi (heretofore known as "FOR") knew the little tyke was The Passenger, so they broke her out of KGB custody. But Papa Vaughn didn't trust the CIA either, so he took her to the safety of the warm and cozy confines of…the FOR clubhouse. Or something. Vaughn's still not buying that his dad was a FOR or that he would go against his country. Brill just says that Papa Vaughn was the best man he ever knew and he gave his life to make sure that The Passenger would be safe. "Now, if you don't stop what's happening," says Brill, "his sacrifice will be for nothing." Yeah. I don't know. Didn't Irina kill Papa Vaughn? If he died protecting Spy Skipper, then why would Irina have tried to stop that? Did she choose Sydney over Spy Skipper because the prophecy says something about -- wait. I'm violating my own rules. Where's the vodka. And the whiskey. And the tequila. And while we're at it, WHERE'S THE LIGHTER FLUID?
While I'm injecting grain alcohol into my left butt cheek, Weiss is checking up on Moronen, who's pulling into a service station to get gas. She gets out of the car, and Weiss quickly realizes that the woman he's just followed is NOT Moronen, but a double. He gets on the horn to call Vaughn as Brill is ending his interpretive exposition dance on Papa Vaughn. "All right, now you know what you've got to do," he says to Vaughn as he restarts the elevator. "Just make sure that they don't get to her." Now, this is important: at no time do we hear Brill tell Vaughn ANYTHING about The Passenger's location or why Vaughn has to get to her before the Covenant does. Nor do we hear ANYTHING about the Prophecy. The reason I point this out is because, later in the episode, it somehow comes about that Vaughn actually knows the location of The Passenger. So, either Brill says something to Vaughn that happens off-screen, or he says nothing at all and the producers just kind of forgot about that little continuity point and were counting on all of us to be so drunk we wouldn't notice. [Hic.] Guess what? [Hic.] WE NOTICED. [Hic.] Excuse me.
"Why did you come to me?" asks Vaughn. "Because it's what he would want me to do," says Brill, exiting the elevator after the doors open up. The Exposition Fairy stumbles out after him. "Hey…you got cab fare? I have to go meet my parole officer…" The doors close again, and Vaughn's alone with the realization that his father was not all he imagined him to be. Vaughn pulls out his cell phone and starts to dial. The doors open up and Vaughn exits, only to have two people in black ski masks hit him in the head and drag him down a hall.
Then we're on a plane with Syd and Jack and Sloane. Syd's holding some metal thingy that's apparently loaded with the Green Goo™. Okay, now, stick with me here. It would appear that the Green Goo™ is now inside this metal thingy, and this metal thingy is actually a battery that operates a Rambaldi artifact that just happens to be in a Trust-owned cold storage vault concealed somewhere in the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian, by the way, would like to apologize for the raging hangover you're going to have tomorrow on behalf of this yammering carnival ride of an episode. Okay, see, this Green Goo™ Battery powers this artifact that then tells them the location of The Passenger. I just…yeah.
Now, I imagine you're thinking, okay. Cool. They'll just go in, grab the artifact, and head home. But you'd be thinking wrong. The vault is protected by a five-key retinal security system. The five keys, of course, correspond to the five members of The Trust. Syd's all, do we even know who they are? Jack's all, uh, yeah, they're all high-ranking government officials, but we've only been able to identify Marlon Bell as one of the five. "I imagine a visit from a ghost will unearth the other four," sneers Sloane. Then we head to the nation's capital, where Marlon is doing his best to act like a sanctimonious jackass on the steps of some federal-looking building. He's ordering around a couple of lackeys when he sees Sloane walking directly past him on the pavement below. Sloane takes total delight in seeing the look of pure panic on Marlon's face. Marlon runs off to warn the other Trust dudes that Sloane is alive! He's alive, I tell you! ALIIIIIVE!
As this is happening, Syd and Jack are sitting in a garage somewhere, waiting for a signal that Marlon's started phoning the other Trust members. Jack fiddles with the steering wheel and then tells Syd that there's something she should know. "When I first learned of Sloane's affair with your mother," Jack says with a bit of difficulty, "I was forced to consider the possibility that I wasn't, in fact, your biological father --" "You don't even need to --" "It's not the case," he says, turning to look directly at her. "I had our medical files examined. Our relationship is clear." Which, you know, it so isn't; but it's a nice moment, nonetheless. "But I wanted you to know, before I was reassured…my feelings for you…never changed." "Dad…" is all Syd says, her voice full of emotion in just that one little word. Jack softly smiles at his daughter. She returns the smile. It's just…it's a really nice scene. Victor Garber does more with a flick of the eyes than most actors do with a whole body jerk of emotion. And Garner's moment of "Whew! Thank GOD you're my daddy!" is wholly palpable and poignant. It's really delicious. But before we can start to really explore the Spy Family dynamic, Syd's computer bleeps, and we've tapped into Marlon's first call to The Trust. Sloane gets into the back seat and looks at Syd and Jack, his first task done.
And now, for the dessert portion of the dinner…
We're close up on a naked wrist, strapped up and hanging from the ceiling. We follow down to the arm, across the chest, complete with hair, mind you, and also, uh, blood, and, um, nipples, and up to the face of Vaughn, listening as Sark blabbles something about his dad. Oh, shut up, Sark. No one's listening. We're all rewinding and pausing and rewinding and pausing and…I would just like to take a moment and thank the writers and the producers and the directors for giving us…nipple porn. That's right. I said it. Yeah. Michael Vartan's a great actor. NIPPLE PORN. Heh. Excuse me. I have to grease my rewind button.
So, yeah, Sark's saying something about how Brill got away (I wrongly assumed he'd been killed when I wrote the recap -- my bad), but Vaughn wasn't so fortunate. We are, however, very fortunate that Vaughn didn't get away. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. Sark blah blahs some more about how the Covenant's known for awhile that Papa Vaughn was a FOR and that they were hoping Brill would ring Vaughn up. Then Sark, looking all kinds of hot in his black zippered jacket and slightly curled blonde hair, says that there are three things Vaughn needs to understand. The first concerns the rather ominous-looking electric-powered device he holds in his hand. I'd be concerned with that too, actually. It looks like a gigantic "massage wand" from Sharper Image that, you know, NO ONE uses as a "massage wand." If you know what I mean. And I think you do. So, what, he's going to MASSAGE Vaughn to death? Or, um, massage something ELSE to death? I don't…I don't really want to think about it right now.
"Well, I sure as hell do!" said Wendy Kroy when I called to ask him his opinion on the scene. "Bring on the HO! Haul on the YAY!" I promptly hung up on him so that I could devote more time to my rewind button. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. The massage wand is capable of delivering up to 500,000 volts. "Not enough to kill you," sneers Sark deliciously. "Just enough to let you wish it would." I…huh? What'd he say? And where's his accent? He's been hanging out with Moronen far too long. Also? Not really listening, Sark. We had a full-frontal shot of Michael Vartan's six-pack there for a second. You could be reciting excerpts from Diary of a Unabomber and none of us would be paying attention. But Sark bravely continues on, saying that the second thing he'd like Vaughn to consider is that Sark believes Brill disclosed the location of The Passenger to him, which means that Sark won't stop with the torture 'til Vaughn spills it. "And third, Mr. Vaughn," he says, obviously relishing the moment, "is that I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should." And with that, he shoves the massage wand into Vaughn's side and Vaughn goes into convulsions. Ouch. Also? Gay. So very gay. In the good way. And I think Wendy Kroy agrees with me. "Yes. Yes, I do. So very gay. Mmmm."
And now is the time on Alias when we dance.
Oops Center. Dix is filling in the troops on Moronen evading Weiss's half-assed surveillance. Weiss steps up and states that Vaughn's gone missing as well. Dix believes that Vaughn may have been compromised. Ya think? Dix goes on to say that Weiss is in charge of assembling a search team, and that they should be ready to move just as soon as they get a lead. We switch to Jack and Sloane, sitting in a car. Sloane puts on a rather ridiculous pair of glasses as Jack reminds him that he'll need a five-second lock on each individual in order to register the scan. Sloane just gets out and tells Jack to wish him luck. True to his nature, Jack doesn't utter a word.
Inside what I'm assuming is supposed to be the Smithsonian, Syd's walking across the floor beneath a huge dinosaur skeleton. Jack gets on the comm and tells her that Sloane's on his way to obtain the retinal scans. "Make sure you get to the vault and we'll have the codes," he says. Uh, thanks, Dad. I think I can handle it. I am, after all, dressed in an outfit that no museum geek can resist. Namely, an ankle-length brown skirt, a brown cardigan, a pink blouse, brown nerd glasses, and a chignon that won't quit. Syd moves into position just as a museum geek comes out to greet her. He wipes his hand on his tweed jacket and introduces himself. His name isn't important, though, so I'll just refer to him as Tweedy. Syd plays her role as Geek Girl very well, announcing amazement at the dinosaur skeleton above her. They engage in some geekspeak, with Geek Syd stunning Tweedy with her dino knowledge. A geek romance is born.
As they move through the museum, they talk about some more dino stuff that I really couldn't care less about. Geek Syd works an angle about dinosaurs being closer in relation to birds than reptiles, and somehow this makes Tweedy mention the Hainan fossil from China. Geek Syd flirts geekily that she was hoping to see the fossil. Tweedy stutters that it's still in analysis, so that would be impossible. Hilariously, Geek Syd turns on the waterworks, and this melts ol' Tweedy's heart. He agrees to make an exception in her case, obviously hoping that, by the end of the evening, he'll be analyzing her fossils very closely, without benefit of a microscope.
Torture Chamber of Seriously Sexy Victims. Vaughn's still strung up. And he's still bleeding. And he's still hot. As the close-up on his naked chest clearly indicates. Sark's impressed with Vaughn's defense mechanisms. Of course, the magic wand (hee!) is on the lowest setting…so, why don't we just flick it up a few notches to "really pleasurable"? Sark hits a switch, and electricity hums. "I'm through showing restraint," he says. "Now, I'll ask you again: where is The Passenger?" Vaughn slowly looks up, sweat and water running down his face. "Holding that thing…you almost look like you've reached puberty." HEE! Sark, never having gotten over being the smallest kid in his high school graduating class, just slams the magic wand into Vaughn's chest. Vaughn screams in pain. And that's when Moronen slips around the corner. Dammit. Isn't she DEAD YET?
Back with the Geeks. Tweedy's yammering at Syd about how she has great timing as Syd pretends to be interested in the Hainan fossil. And before you can ask, yes, it does exist. I'll say it for the writers; their plots are sometimes inconceivable, but they do their damn research, that's for sure. Syd asks if the museum's already done the CT scan. He says that they have. Syd then acts as if she's on the verge of a really great orgasm and says she'd looooove to see it. Tweedy says they're in radiology, so he'll go get him some. Them. He'll go get them. "Thank you," says Syd, in this totally funny voice and with an expression of "I will do things to you with a fossilized bone that you've never thought possible as soon as you get back here" on her face. Hee. Tweedy runs off to get the scans.
The second he leaves, she gets on comm and tells Jack she's headed to the vault. Jack copies that and says they're on schedule. And that's when Sloane enters the inner sanctum of The Trust, which appears to consist of five old guys sitting around a table. This is The Trust? I'd expect them to be wearing capes and masks, they've been made out to be so damned mystical and all-powerful. But no. Just a bunch of old guys. "Greetings from the dead, gentlemen," snits Sloane. Syd announces that she's standing by to receive. Jack tells her they're retrieving the retinal scans now. Then we get a shot of what Sloane is obviously seeing through his glasses. He focuses on Old Guy #1 as he blathers on about Rambaldi and the work he did with them. I could recap the whole sequence, including the gathering of all the scans, but really, do you need me to? He just blah blahs and, one by one, gets the scans.
After they have three scans, Syd moves to authorize or something at the vault. Sloane goes to get his fourth scan. He gets it. Then he blathers something about how The Trust won't harm him because if they do, he'll spill their secrets to the press. Or something. I really don't care. I mean, Rifkin's great and everything, but this entire scan-gathering scenario is long and drawn out and just leads to another Rambaldi artifact, so let's move on, shall we? All that's important is that Marlon gets all pissy with Sloane about being blackmailed and gets up to leave. Without Sloane getting his retinal scan. Sloane moves fast, slamming Marlon up against the wall. While looking directly into his face, Sloane threatens Marlon with the knowledge of Marlon's son's "unseemly predilections." Jack informs Sloane that they got the final scan and tells him to get out. "Thank you for your time, gents," says Sloane, making for the exit so fast he's practically a blur with a bald spot.
Jack tells Syd they have the final scan, and she enters it. She gains access to the vault and enters. Once inside, she finds what she's looking for and is about to remove it when Tweedy reappears. Syd quickly dispatches him with a well-placed spray of You're Never Going To Get Laid So You Might As Well Just Pass Out potion to the eyes, and he goes down for the count. Syd tells Jack that she has the package and to meet her at the rendezvous point as scheduled. The rendezvous point seems to be just outside the reflecting pool beneath the Washington Monument. We see a hand with a glass ball filled with Green Goo™. What, so it went from liquid form to a nicely filled glass ball? The hell? Whatever. The hand places the ball into the stolen Rambaldi machine. It powers up. An ancient piece of paper starts slipping out of the machine. "There it is," says Sloane. There WHAT is, you lawn gnome? All I see are scratchings on that piece of paper. And you know what? They don't say, "The Passenger is HERE." Syd asks what it is, and Jack says it looks like brain waves. "We found her," says Sloane. Oh, please.
Torture Chamber of Seriously Sexy Victims. We're back. And while I am heartily pleased and encouraged that Vaughn is still shirtless, I am wholeheartedly disgusted to see that Moronen has arrived and is now pawing at Vaughn's face with a towel. Sit down, Moronen. And use that towel on your own damn face; your eyeliner is rampaging down your cheeks. "Don tushe me," slurs Vaughn, obviously depleted after his magic wand session with Sark. Heh. Heh heh heh. Oh, I know he's supposed to be in PAIN, but it's still HoYay-rrific. Moronen's pleading with her husband to give it up because Sark's about to give him the "Inferno Protocol," which…just…yeah. Anyone else out there originally think this "protocol" involved hooking up a turntable and listening to "Disco Inferno" over and over again at top volume until the torture victim shrieks, "PLEASE! STOP! NO MORE! I'LL TALK! JUST PUT THE SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER SOUNDTRACK AWAAAAAAY!!!" Huh. Maybe that was just me.
Moronen tells Vaughn that he won't survive the protocol, not now that he's endured so much already. "Whaddayoucare?" sweats Vaughn. "Not everything was a lie," states Moronen, playing the "I really did love you" card. Sark enters with a couple of his thugs, and they get Vaughn down from the straps and place him on a cot. Yeah. Even covered with sweat and blood, Michael Vartan's still hot. Sorry. It's true. Then Sark and Moronen engage in a little dinner theatre production of Let's Make The Hot Guy Think You Love Him Even Though You Really Don't. She pretends to want to stop Sark from administering the protocol, and Sark pretends to wonder why she's suddenly concerned for her husband. She continues to plead, saying that if Vaughn dies, the information goes with him. Sark continues not to care, tossing a slap her way, just for good measure. Woo! Slap her some more, Sark! It's about damn time! Anyway, it's a rousing show and the octogenarians in the back gumming their pork chops stop in mid-chew in order to catch every word. Can you tell I'm not buying it?
This whole charade is basically concocted so that Vaughn can think his wife is actually on his side. This way, when Vaughn wakes up from the "protocol" (which, I suspect, consists of a little sleeping aid or something, because, really, nothing at all happens to him, except that a bit later in the episode he just…wakes up), he'll think that his wife is actually a good guy, not the scheming whore she really is. Sark orders Moronen out of the room, and Sark starts the protocol.
In another part of Whothinksthisshitupville, Syd's questioning the validity of brain waves being able to be used to locate someone. We're alllll questioning that validity, Syd. Trust us. Sloane blahs something about how each individual has a signature brain wave pattern that identifies them. So? So, the Department of Defense has created a satellite that can PICK UP THESE BRAIN WAVES FROM SPACE. Yeah. Yeah, I know. That sound you hear is of ice clinking in the glass of MY CEREBRAL HEMORRAGE. More Woodchuck Pear Cider, please. STAT.
Before we can even BEGIN to question this entirely annoying scenario, Jack pops up, saying he had someone upload the EEG readings to the satellite and they have a location. Chechnya. To be more precise, a labor camp on the outskirts of Kamyshev. To be even more precise, The Passenger is there under the alias of Talia Kozlov, and she's being held in Sector C. Nice work, Jack. Remind me to send you a list of all my ex-boyfriends I'd like to find so I can kill them. I have confidence you can do the job right. Sloane sort of wonders aloud that his daughter is incarcerated. Jack just says that they've been operating under the assumption that she's an innocent in need of rescuing, but now that she's incarcerated, maybe they should think twice about that whole damsel-in-distress thing. "She's my daughter," grits Sloane. "And we're going to find her." Sloane walks off, and Jack once again tries to warn his daughter that her sister may not be in the market for a little sisterly love, and Syd really should reconsider her thoughts on just who her sister actually is. Syd just yammers something about how, before she really knew Irina, she thought that she and her mother would be best friends. Then, of course, she got to know Irina and, well, she was devastated to learn the truth. "I won't make that same mistake twice," says Syd. Yeah. Check with me again on that in about twenty minutes, Syd.
Torture Chamber of Seriously Sexy Victims. Someone removes the mask over Vaughn's face and waves some smelling salts beneath his nose. He wakes, and it's Moronen who's waking him. She tells him that it's over, that the protocol worked, and that somehow he survived. Yeah. Pull the other one and it plays "Witchy Woman." Vaughn worries, "Did I tell him?" "You told Sark everything," says Moronen. Then she tells him that Sark will be back any second and that Vaughn has to get out of there. She gets him to his feet and Vaughn? Still hot. "Why're you doing this?" asks Vaughn. "For me, our marriage was real," says Moronen, helping him on with his shirt. "The only real thing in my life. Go." Vaughn kind of stumbles out, obviously smarting a bit.
Chechnya. The only funny thing I have to say about Chechnya is that as soon as I heard "Chechnya," I immediately thought of Bridget Jones' Diary and that scene where she's vacuuming the floor before the book launch and going, "Chechneeya! Chechneeya!" Yeah. So. Not so much with the funny. Anyway. Chechnya. We're at the prison camp. It's daylight, which, considering that it's night back in Hell-Lay, is a nice touch, continuity-wise. In a stairwell somewhere, Syd easily enters through a hidden passage, leaving what looks like a backpack behind. Yeah. Those prison camps in Chechnya, they're just SO easy to break into.
Syd's dressed as a prisoner. She makes her way inside, finally ending up in a room full of seriously ugly women. Yes. Because all Russian women are ugly. Okay. We get it. Except for the part where WE DON'T. Syd looks around for her sister and doesn't see anyone with a label on their uniform stating, "Talia, a.k.a. Syd's Sister." A guard tries to get the women to line up. Syd watches warily, then moves over to a wall and places something there. It blinks. She slowly gets into line, and suddenly there's an explosion at the back of the room where she placed the blinking thingy. Syd lets herself be moved along with the rest of the female prisoners, effectively moving herself into the prison without being detected.
Hell-Lay. Vaughn's wandering down a street behind some warehouses. A car approaches and he tries to flag it down, but the car just careens around him. Crazy drugged-up torture victims! Get outta the road! A truck approaches, and Vaughn tries to wave it down. The truck barely screeches to a stop, as Vaughn just sort of collapses against the grill, obviously too exhausted to do anything more. Heh. He moves around and gets into the cab. The driver asks if he's okay, and Vaughn just responds that he needs to get to a phone. The driver just hands him his own cell phone. Um. Yeah. If that didn't tell you right there that the driver was a plant, I don't know what would. Any truck driver worth his salt would be all, buddy? Get the fuck outta my cab. But not this one. Oh ho no! He just up and offers Vaughn his phone. Whatever.
Vaughn takes the phone and dials the CIA. He gives his officer number to dispatch and asks to be patched through to Director Dixon immediately. The driver, understandably, looks at Vaughn like he's covered in asphalt and little cars are driving up and down his front. Dix answers and asks Vaughn where he is. Vaughn just says that the Covenant knows the location of The Passenger. They do? Because as far as I can tell, even VAUGHN doesn't know the goddamn location of The Passenger. I mean, not unless he was shoved into the back of the car where the brain wave machine was doing its business, I really don't see how he could know where The Passenger is. Did we SEE Brill give him that intel? No. And how the fuck would BRILL know, anyway? Was HE shoved into the brain machine car? NO. God. GOD.
So, whatever, Vaughn's totally blowing it right here. He tells Dix that Sark's moving on the lead and that he, Vaughn, is the one that gave up the intel. Oh, whatever. Vaughn's noticing that Driver is a bit too interested in the phone conversation. Dix asks where The Passenger is now. Vaughn doesn't answer, instead looking over at Driver. "You cut out, bad reception," says Vaughn, although there is no bad reception. Elsewhere, we see someone working a computer. They input, "Vaughn, what's wrong?" and then we hear Dixon saying the exact same thing. It's a voice simulator, and a very good one. Sark and Moronen are sitting in a car somewhere, and we see that it's she who's doing the voice simulating. Or something. Whatever. I mean, really. Whatever.
"Is Sydney back from Hong Kong?" asks Vaughn. Sark and Moronen look at each other. Vaughn and Driver look at each other. Suddenly, Driver reaches over to do some damage to Vaughn, but Vaughn beats him to it. A fight ensues, and Vaughn slams Driver's head into the dashboard a half dozen times. Driver's out, so Vaughn has to drive the truck. Too bad he drives it right into a parking lot and into a bunch of cars. The truck finally halts, and Vaughn gets out. He stumbles off. The truck explodes behind him. A car peals up and screeches to a halt. Sark and Moronen get out, guns at the ready. Sark yells at Vaughn to get down on the ground. Vaughn drops to his knees. "You're smarter than I thought," says Moronen smugly. Then she drops him with a roundhouse kick to the face. Okay. I have to say, I kind of enjoyed that. Because, Vaughn? YOU'RE AN IDIOT. You're hot and everything, but quick on the uptake you're not.
Chechnya. Syd makes her way through the prison. She's somehow figured out that her sister's in the hospital wing. Yeah. I have no idea. She enters a hospital room and sees a bunch of patients. She spies some medical charts and finds one for "Talia Kozlov." Noting the bed location, Syd makes her way over and sees a tiny, defenseless girl with dark hair and staring dark eyes, strapped to a hospital bed. Syd breathes what looks like a sigh of relief, and we mercifully go to commercial before Syd can start crying. Again. Some more.
When we return, Syd is engaged in a bit of what we like to call "Saying WAY Too Much Than Is Absolutely Necessary." She tells the comatose Talia that they're sisters and that she's sorry it took her so long to find her. "But I'm here now," she says, "and I'm going to get you out of here." Syd starts to release her sister from the bed. "By the way, I almost forgot. My name is Sydney." Aw. And SHE'S EVIL, SYD! MOVE AWAY!
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Marshall's showing Dix some surveillance footage from Garland Industrial Plant. In it, we see the truck slamming into some cars. Then we see Vaughn stumbling away and the truck blowing up. Aaaand then we see Sark and Moronen shoving Vaughn into a car. Dix orders Marshall to pull surveillance feeds from everything within a five-block radius, because he wants to know where they went after leaving the scene. Then we check in with Vaughn, shirtless again (yay!). Moronen's placing some sensors on his temples. Sark comes up behind her and places a hand on her back. She moves off to do something to a computer screen. Vaughn's laid out flat on a cot again. Sark exposits that Vaughn's about to undergo a procedure that the CIA was more than happy to use on Sark at one time. Oh, get on with it already. "This time, my friend," says Sark, "it's for real." Sark places a mask on Vaughn's face and he goes under, as some blue liquid from an IV drip moves down into the IV itself. Or something. I don't know. Moronen sticks a needle directly into Vaughn's spine (ew!) and then ups the dosage or something on the IV. Drip. Drip. Glug. Glug.
"You met with a man," says Sark. "Who was he?" "Brill," says Vaughn. "He knew my father." "And did Brill tell you where The Passenger is?" "He told me…" "Where is she?" Vaughn's eyes close. "No," he whispers. "I'll ask you again. Where is The Passenger?" Vaughn doesn't respond. "Increase the dosage," Sark tells Moronen. She does so without batting an eye. Sark's phone rings, and he picks up. Apparently, whoever is on the other end of the line has just informed Sark of The Passenger's location. Sark gets off the phone and tells Moronen that they're all done here. "What about him?" asks Moronen. "Kill him," says Sark casually. Moronen just as casually ups the dosage on the IV, and Vaughn starts shaking.
Chechnya. Syd rather cavalierly wheels Talia out of the hospital room. A couple of guards see this and naturally chase after her. Syd, who's now dressed as a nurse or something, says that Talia needs a doctor. One of the guards tries to get Syd to take Talia back to her cell. Syd responds by kicking him in the face. And there's fighting and fighting and more fighting until, finally, Syd's kind of trapped. And that's when Talia's eyes move. Syd keeps fighting. Suddenly, Talia's fighting alongside her. They perform some tandem ass-kicking and the guards go down. "Who ARE you?" asks Syd. "Later!" says Talia. They run off, only to be met by even more guards. More ass-kicking ensues. Lots of improvised street tactics and general sisterly bad-assedness. Talia gets slammed into a fire extinguisher and is hurt. She still manages to get out of the situation by spraying her attacker with steam heat. More fighting. More kicking. More hitting. One of the guards hits Talia in the back of the head with the fire extinguisher. She goes down. Syd takes him out with an acrobatic kick. She picks up her sister and they try to make it to the tunnel.
Marshall's Garage of Geekiness. Dix and Weiss enter and Marshall googles on about the docks and the surveillance footage and the freakazoids down there until Weiss gives him "a look" and then Marshall goes on even further, yammering about the trail and the location and -- GET ON WITH IT. "Okay, Marshall," says Weiss, obviously agreeing with me, "WHERE ARE THEY NOW?" Marshall gives them the final address, and Weiss runs off with Dixon in tow. thing we see is Weiss and his search team, exploding onto the premises of the final address. They move in quickly and discover Vaughn, strapped to the bed. Weiss checks the computer and sees that Vaughn's heart rate is dangerously low. He screams for a MediVac.
Back with the Ass-Kicking Sisters. Syd's carrying Talia down a hall. Talia bravely tries to get Syd to go on without her. Syd says she's not leaving her. Talia feels faint, though, so even though the guards are storming around upstairs, Syd has her sister park it in an alcove. After a moment of deep breathing, Syd asks, "So who are you?" "You can call me 'Talia,'" says Talia. "I know that's not your real name," says Syd. "What were you doing back there? Why were you pretending to be catatonic?" "I can't tell you," says Talia. Syd just looks at her. "You're an agent." "Argentine Intelligence," responds Talia. "What you said back there --" "It's true," says Syd. "We're sisters." Talia seems overcome with emotion. She proves herself to be a true Sister of Syd when tears roll down her cheeks. "How did you find me?" she asks, wiping the tears away. "It wasn't just me," says Syd. "It was your father." Talia looks up. "My father?" "Yeah. He's waiting for you." Syd moves over and helps Talia up, putting her arm around her. "Nadia," says…um…Talia. "My name is Nadia." They walk off toward the tunnel. God. The rest of this recap is totally going to be dialogue and nothing else. I can feel it. And I'm not happy about it. Did I mention the aneurysm?
Some Not-So-Safe House Somewhere. Nadia's sleeping as Sloane caresses her head…inappropriately. Heh. Jack and Syd watch from across the room. Syd tells Jack a story about Will and his sister Amy and how Will was always so exasperated by her. He apparently told Syd that she was lucky to be an only child. As an only child myself, I can truly appreciate that, while being an only child has its advantages, I always, always, ALWAYS wanted a sibling and have never forgiven my mother and father for not providing me with one. I mean, if for nothing else, my sister or brother could have at least provided me with that extra cigarette and shot of whiskey out on the back porch after yet another disastrous neighborhood holiday party we've all been forced to attend. Oh, and the opportunity to be able to pick up the phone and call the one person who will understand when you say, "MOM NEEDS TO SHUT THE HELL UP."
But this isn't about me. This is about Syd. And the sister she never had. And she knew Will was lying about how he thought his sister was a flake. "I knew that he loved her," says Syd. "I always wondered what they had." She turns to Jack. "I have a sister." Jack grimaces. "I believe you assured me that you weren't going to make the same mistake twice." Heh. Jack. Always bringing the real. Syd doesn't respond. Over on the other side of the house, Nadia is stirring. She wakes suddenly and sits up, looking at Sloane. "I know who you are," she whispers. She looks over at Syd and Jack, who just look back at her without expression. Nadia looks panicked. "Well, then," says Sloane, "you know about my criminal past. You also know that I've changed. But you need to know why. I never knew I had a daughter. I didn't know until two years ago that you even existed. And when I found out, I felt total and complete joy. I just wanted to go out and find you immediately. And then hook you up to some machines and pump you full of Green Goo™ and make you talk like Rambaldi. And really, isn't that what every father wants?"
Nadia looks terribly uncomfortable at all of this. Sloane yammers some more about being ashamed of who he was and how he wasn't worthy of her or her love or respect. Nadia's visibly touched by his statements. And that's when there's an explosion at the non-safe house door. Jack and Syd get up immediately and ready their guns. Outside, Sark and Moronen and the rest of the Covenant thugs are getting ready to storm the castle. Sark wants The Passenger unharmed. Syd and Jack move into position. As the Covenant thugs come around the corner, Syd and Jack easily take the first couple out. Jack tosses a smoke bomb to take care of the rest as he and Syd run to safety behind a set of double-barred doors. They look around the room and there's no Sloane or Nadia anywhere in sight. The Covenant make their way to the double doors and easily blow their way through. Now there's no one, not even Syd or Jack, in the room.
"They cannot have escaped," spits Sark. The camera moves up to the ceiling and we see Syd and Jack, hanging out in the rafters, listening through the boards. Moronen discovers a secret passage. Inside is a trap door. "Sloane set us up," says Moronen. "He betrayed us." We catch a glimpse of Syd as she hears this little tidbit of news. She looks at her father. The Covenant moves out. Syd and Jack drop back down into the room, and Jack announces that this was a Chechnyan safe house and that it was Sloane's suggestion that they seek refuge there. "Sloane knew about the escape route," says Syd. "Sloane was the only person who knew where we were," says Jack. "He tipped the Covenant, lured them here as a distraction, giving him a chance to escape with Nadia." That's a lot of exposition, there, Jack. You okay? You need to have a lie-down? "Son of a bitch," is all Sydney has to say. Hee. I like it when she swears. Because I'm twelve.
Hell-Lay. Vaughn's lying in a hospital bed. Syd's outside the door. She enters. Her bangs are pushed off to the side in that way that I have definitely not recommended to her in the past. She needs to stop that. Immediately. "Vaughn," says Syd. Vaughn wakes and looks at her. "Sydney," he says, reaching for her hand. She takes his. "Are you all right?" he breathes. Aw. The man's been tortured by Sark and his soon-to-be-ex-wife for hours, and all he can think of is Sydney. What a guy. "I'm fine," says Sydney. "The Passenger," says Vaughn, "did you find her?" "Yes. But she's gone. She's missing." "You can't go after her." "What?" "Your sister. You have to let her go." "You're tired, I should let you sleep," says Syd. "No. My father was killed because he took her from the KGB. He hid her from your mother. That's why she murdered him. I met someone who told me The Prophecy. The Passenger and The Chosen One shall battle. Neither will survive. Sydney -- you can't see her again."
Elsewhere in Noneofthismakessensetown…Nadia is coming to. She's handcuffed to a table that looks just like an execution table. She's wearing all white and she's hooked up to a machine and an IV. Sloane enters, all in black. He walks over to her side, where a bottle of Green Goo™ lies in wait. "Please…" she breathes. "Don't do this…" Sloane preps her right arm. "I only wish there could be another way," he says, not without emotion. Nadia starts to cry. Sloane picks up a large needle filled with Green Goo™ and plunges it into her arm. Nadia gasps, her body convulsing. Sloane's face is rife with regret and, oddly, greed. Nadia's body starts rising off the table. "I'm so sorry," he says as he puts an oxygen mask down over her face. "I'm so sorry." Her body continues to jerk and shake, and Sloane just sadly watches her.
on Alias: Bad acting ensues, apparently. And Katya returns. And there's been a rumor bandied about that we might get a chance to witness some over-forty sexing up. Awww yeah. Go git 'em, Katya!