Previously on Alias, The Passenger was a bio-weapon. And then it wasn't. And then it was a person. And then it was a girl. And then Jack found out about Sloane and Irina's affair, and Jack told Sloane to go fuck himself and The Trust and the horse he rode in on. And then Vaughn found the Wig of Wickedness, and Lauren's jig? She is up.
We begin this ass-kicker of an episode with Jack, sitting in his car, engaging in a little elicit instant messaging with his wife. I just love the idea of Lena Olin out in the middle of the desert or tundra or something, just commanding Rambaldi troops or greasing her guns or whatever it is that she does with her spare time, and all the while, she has this little PDA that she's furiously jabbing at with the stylus just so she can chat with her hubby. Heh. Jack types that he has intel on the Covenant endgame and that he needs her help. Irina asks him what he needs. He needs information about The Passenger. And here's where Irina breaks the PDA in half, buries it in a hole in the ground, and runs like hell. Jack, seeing no response, prompts Irina. Nothing. Until "CONNECTION ERROR." Some gobbledy-gook flies across the screen after announcing that the account has been terminated. Heh. Yeah. Bye, Irina.
Nepal. Home Of Yak. And Yak Wool. And Yak Butter. And…Yak. We're catching up with Grasshoppah. God, David Carradine looks like the bottom of an alligator suitcase. Well, you'd probably look like the bottom of an alligator suitcase too if you spent the majority of the seventies snorting coke while doing kung fu. As Grasshoppah's sitting at his candle-strewn vanity, mixing up a batch of wrinkle remover cream, a gun appears at his temple. He kind of grogs his eyes up calmly. Sark's at his side, and he's looking for The Passenger. Grasshoppah just says something that the closed captioning tells me is a "foreign language." Roughly translated, he probably says, "I'm old. I'm wrinkled. I'm actually kind of skuzzy. But I could still kick your ass, kid. Take my word for it."
Sark doesn't, however, and after giving some lip service to the followers of Rambaldi, he orders Grasshoppah to give up the goods on The Passenger in five seconds, or he's dead. Yeah. Because that's gonna work. Didn't he see Kill Bill? Whatever. Grasshoppah easily separates Sark from his gun and just as easily nabs the knife Sark tosses his way. Sark's expression is priceless. He's all, "But…but…YOU'RE OLD." Grasshoppah's expression is like, "Yeah, dude. But I'm POTENT." Grasshoppah just says, "I cannot help you, Mr. Sark." Sark says, "How do you know my name?" and then launches himself at Grasshoppah. Again, Grasshoppah easily handles Sark, even though Sark gives it his all. Sark's knocked to the ground, and before Grasshoppah can take the demolition any further, a dart appears out of nowhere and pops itself into his neck. Sark looks up and sees Mama Reed standing in the doorway with a gun in her hand. Grasshoppah drops like a ton of hash bricks. Mama Reed just orders Sark to pick up The Passenger manuscript and meet her in Rajasthan. Oh, and bring along the old stoner, too. Who knows? He might be useful if the manuscript is encrypted. She walks off, and Sark sort of huffs a glance her way, as if to say, "Okay. I'm young. I'm pretty. I kick ass. And still, this OLD GUY nails me, and my hooker-ish non-girlfriend's MOTHER has to act as my BACK-UP? The HELL?"
Rooftop Of Bitter Cuckolded Men And The Women Who Love Them. Jack and Syd walk out onto the rooftop, discussing the instant messaging incident with Irina. Syd surmises that her disappearance means that either she, Irina, is The Passenger or she's protecting the real Passenger. They both look totally awesome, by the way. Syd's all in black, with black shades, and Jack's wearing one of his trademark crisp suits with a white shirt. No, it doesn't really matter -- I just thought I'd mention it. They come around the corner to find Vaughn, sporting some really hot shades of his own and an expression of "my wife's a murderous traitorous bitch and I want to kill her" on his face.
Syd stalks up and sort of snottily goes, "What is it? Your message said it was important." "You were right," says Vaughn, making us all wonder just what's underneath his slightly undone collar. I mean, really. Prettiest male neck in the business, people. Syd's all, oh, right, was I? About what? Your wife being a traitor or you being a blind idiot? Vaughn's all, both, all right? BOTH. "Lauren's the mole," says Vaughn with more than a trace of bitterness. "She works for the Covenant." And you can totally tell here that Syd's like, "Oh, shit. And I've been all snotty and stuff. Dammit. DAMMIT." She kind of looks down at her feet like, "I was right. And that's awesome. But he looks pissed. And that sucks. Aw." And, secretly, she's probably wondering if this means they can have sex sooner rather than later. I'm sure he's wondering the same thing. Really, wouldn't you?
Jack wants to know if Vaughn has proof. Vaughn just kind of nods. Dude. Red and black wig. Easy. Vaughn says he should have known. Syd just pipes up that they should talk to Dixon, figure out how to handle this. "Oh, I know how to handle this," snits Vaughn. Hee. "You'll act like nothing's changed," says Jack. "Okay, what's Plan B?" snaps Vaughn. "'Cause that's NOT gonna happen." HEE. I like Pissed!Vaughn almost as much as I like Subtly!Sexy!Vaughn. At least, he's better than Moany!Vaughn or Blindly!Devoted!Vaughn. This whole scene fucking rocks. Jack tells Vaughn that Lauren can't detect the slightest alteration in their relationship, or they'll lose their tracking on the Covenant. He goes on to say that he'll alert Dixon and secure the Agency and limit Lauren's access to classified documents. "Okay, STOP!" says Vaughn. "My wife betrayed me! She betrayed all of us! You can't expect me to pretend that never happened." "I'm not sure you have a choice," counters Jack. "And why's that?" twits Vaughn. "Because you're the one that married her," purrs Jack in this hilarious tone. Oooh. Someone hand Vaughn some aloe vera and a cold compress because boyfriend just got burrrrrned! Hee! Then there's this great moment of silence where Vaughn just shuts the hell up and purses his lips, Syd kind of looks at him like, "Yeah, dude. I feel you. But you still married her. Heh," and Jack just stands there wondering if it would be acceptable to smack Vaughn around just a little bit, you know, for fun!
Oops Center. Vaughn's sitting at his desk, writing. Huh. I had no idea he was a lefty. That means he's very artistic, you know. And bad at math. Which, of course, means nothing because I'm very artistic but also bad at math and I'm a righty. So, you know, whatever. So, anyway, Vaughn's at his desk. Moronen walks up and says that she missed him this morning, and then she plants an entirely inappropriate kiss on his lips. All we see are his eyes as she does this and they're like, "EW! Traitor kiss! Traitor kiss!" God, he's good. She pulls away and he tells her that he got up early and went to the gym. Syd's watching them from across the room as Jack walks up behind her and joins in watching the show. Moronen blathers something about them falling back into their lives or something, and Vaughn does an excellent job of acting like he agrees with her. Then Moronen reminds him that he agreed to go to counseling with her awhile ago; would he consider going now? Vaughn readily agrees. From across the office, Syd says, "After thirty years, you still live with your wife's betrayal. Will he?" Jack looks at Vaughn and Moronen. "Absolutely," he says, almost smugly. Hey there, Jack. Being cuckolded by your hot Russian spy wife ain't exactly something to be proud of. Methinks someone has to LET IT GO.
Dix and Marshall show up just then and inform Jack and Syd that the CIA just got intel that the Covenant has kidnapped someone they believe can help them locate The Passenger. Yeah. We know. Grasshoppah. The convoy is heading across western Rajasthan as we speak, and Vaughn and Syd are going to intercept them. Except…the CIA doesn't have the Indian government's cooperation and the airspace is restricted so…Syd and Vaughn are going in "old school." And by "old school" they obviously mean "like Indiana Jones in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade in that part toward the end where he rescues his dad and Marcus from the Nazis and he's on that horse. You know! That part!"
Thar Desert. The Finger Cymbals Of We're Not In The Nevada Desert, Seriously, We're Not! crash across the soundtrack as we catch the convoy navigating across the sand. Incidentally? The actual Thar desert is pretty fucking cool. Because I looked it up. Because I'm weird. Sark's one of the two trucks that appear to make up the convoy. Pardon me if I have it wrong here, but two trucks does not a convoy make. Didn't anyone see Smokey and the Bandit? Whatever. Sark opens up the box that contains the manuscript and congratulates himself on a job well done. I wouldn't get too puffed up, Sarky. Without Mama Reed, your ass would be in a sling right about now.
Elsewhere in the desert, the stunt doubles for Garner and Vartan are riding horses down a dune. They chase after the trucks. Hello? Side view mirrors, anyone? Guess they're too busy popping the champagne and calling their mothers to say, "We did it! Aren't you proud of us?" to pay attention to a couple of horses catching up from behind. We get a close-up of Garner and Vartan as they ride. They get closer to the end truck. Syd climbs up onto the side and, unless the driver's blind, deaf, AND DUMB, he should totally be able to see her right now. And this? Is where alcohol comes in. The direct ratio of alcohol to suspension of disbelief is, of course, relative, but I find that every time I feel the need to go, "WHAT THE?" it's a good idea to throw the nearest alcohol down my throat. Which is what I'm doing now. During this scene. Because I loved every damn minute of this episode and I don't want any nasty "reality" getting in the way. I get enough of that watching Assorama fuck up other people's lives.
Syd makes it into the back of the truck, and the guy who's guarding Grasshoppah goes to shoot at her. Grasshoppah quickly gets rid of the gun and Syd knocks the guard out the back of the truck. "Thank you!" she says to Grasshoppah as she turns to his bindings. Hee. It's a totally girly "thank you" too. Heh. Syd tells Grasshoppah to follow her. Grasshoppah's all, wait, I can't leave without my wheatgrass juice and nag champa incense! Syd climbs out and, at that precise moment, Sark's daydreaming about all the neat stuff he's going to do with The Passenger. His eyes wander over to the side mirror, and FINALLY he sees Vaughn on the horse. He grabs his driver's gun and leans out. Syd makes it onto her horse and reaches out her hand as Grasshoppah exits the back of the truck. Well, this is actually kind of stupid. If I were him, I'd just stop, drop, and roll out into the sand. It wouldn't kill him, the trucks would keep going, and Syd and Vaughn could easily dispatch Sark, who'd be a sitting duck in his moving truck. But, sigh, that's not what happens. Instead, Grasshoppah tries to reach for Syd, Sark shoots him in the chest, he flies out of the truck, and the convoy keeps going.
Syd jumps off her horse and goes over to Grasshoppah. He's failing fast. Vaughn brings the horses over and watches as Syd tries to attend to the man. "They…have The Restoration," he gasps. Oh, here we go again with the "The" names. Ignore. Ignore ignore. Glug glug glug. "The Passenger is compromised," he gasps some more. Syd removes her turban and tells him to breathe. As she bends over him, he says, "It's…you." Syd stops and looks at him. "The Passenger…she is…your destiny," he says. "How is she my destiny?" asks Syd. "As a friend? As an enemy? Tell me -- tell me that. Is The Passenger my mother?" "The Passenger…is…your sister…" Syd throws a look at Vaughn, who just looks back at her with an expression of mild constipation. Sorry. He does. Grasshoppah dies as The Horns Of Damn, We Didn't See That Coming kick into high gear.
Oops Center. For those of us who missed the first ten minutes of the show, Syd conveniently recaps what's happened so far for Jack. She's all, dude? The monk told me The Passenger was my sister. Jack's all, who was this guy? Syd's all, are you fucking serious? Bozo the damn Clown, that's who he was! Does it matter? Do I have a sister or not? Jack doesn't know. What he does know, however, is that Spy Mommy had an affair, and that that affair was with none other than Uncle Arvin. If she had a child, it's a good chance that Arvin's the dad. Syd goes to have a little one-on-one with old Uncle Arvy.
Uncle Arvin's Cage Of Caginess. He sees Syd enter and rushes over, all, dude! Glad you're here! I need your help! Syd, her eyes full of tears, just says, "Your execution cannot come fast enough." Sloane reiterates that he's innocent and that he was doing all the Rambaldi work for The Trust and that Senator Reed was his contact. In other words, he just tells us all what we already know. He tells her to check with Jack because he knows all this. Syd's just like, yeah, dude, if he thought you were innocent, he'd find a way to stay your execution. Even though you SHTUPPED HIS WIFE. Sloane kind of closes his eyes. "So…you know that," he says. "I have 72 hours to live. I want you to focus on that. Not on some affair I had 25 years ago." Well, dude, you kind of deserve to die anyway, so why not for an affair you had with her mother? I'd get behind that. And DON'T email me about the death penalty, dudes. JUST DON'T. He's a fictional character and he's a bad, bad man. So just live in the fantasy, okay?
"I'm not focusing on the affair," says Syd. "I'm focusing on the child that resulted from it. A sister I never knew I had." Sloane's all, oh, dammit! You know about that too? Is there ANYTHING you don't know about? Syd's all, well, I don't know about what time week I'm going to do naughty things to Vaughn with some hot fudge and a jar of cherries, but that's about it, dude. "It must have come as a shock to you," says Sloane resignedly. "It did to me when I found out." "Are you telling me you didn't know?" says Syd, having lost the tears and brought out the anger. "No," says Sloane. "Not until two years ago."
And we switch back to two years ago, when Sloane paid a visit to Grasshoppah in Nepal and all he got for his trouble was a goddamn ancient Rambaldi pencil case. If you recall, inside the case was an ancient manuscript which Sloane greedily read. Back then, we weren't really told what was on the manuscript. Now we're being told that on it was the revelation that Sloane had a child. From that moment on, Sloane spent every possible moment in search of this child. We then get a shot of Sloane with The Telling and the paper it's spitting out. This was obviously what Sloane was doing when Jack was strapped down in the other room. So, The Telling told Sloane what it told Bomani and Sark: an individual's DNA and the word "peace." Which, Syd reminds us, in Greek translates into "Irina." Sloane did a DNA test and confirmed that he was the father.
So, that whole OmniFam thing that Sloane created? Yeah, it was to help people, sure; but it was also a great way for Sloane to access medical databases and DNA records. "And I hoped," he says, his voice choked with emotion, "that it would help me find my daughter. I failed." "You know she is The Passenger," says Syd, her voice also tinged with emotion. "I know," whispers Sloane, as close to losing it as I've ever seen him. "I know. I also know the Covenant is after her. Sydney," and here his voice really breaks, "I want…to protect…my child." Wow. Just wow. Ladies and gentlemen, Ron Rifkin! Give the man an Emmy, goddammit. EMMY. NOW. Before he starts bawling, Sloane pulls it together and asks Syd to talk to her father. "If he is concealing evidence that would exonerate me because I had an affair with Irina, convince him to give it to you. If not for my sake, then for your sister's." Syd's obviously torn, and says nothing.
Dix's Office Of Man, Does Jack Kick Ass. Dix and Jack are just chillin' when Weiss and Marshall enter, full of excitement. They found out from Project Black Hole that "The Restoration" refers to documents written about The Passenger. So, the Covenant has these documents, but don't worry, they can't read them because they don't have the code key. But the CIA does. Woo! Dix, always the voice of negativity, declares that it's a stalemate. "Not if we're smart about it," says Jack. "Here's what we do." And here's where Jack, and this show, really start to kick ass. Because, instead of telling us, and THEN showing us, we get a voice-over of Jack outlining the plan as we SEE IT IN ACTION. We kill two birds with one gigantic cooler-than-candy stone and it ROCKS.
So. The plan. The plan is to call a briefing, making sure to include Moronen. The troops gather in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. "Once she's there," says Jack, "you detail the following information…" We then switch back to Dix in the conference room. He says something about how Analysis has picked up some chatter on The Restoration, and it will only be a matter of hours before they locate these documents. As he speaks, the camera slowly moves in on Moronen's face, which is quietly taking on the look of the cat that's licked up all the cream. Once Dix is finished speaking, Vaughn slowly steals a glance at his wife, seeing that she's taking all this information in. Back with Jack, he's telling Dix to make sure he announces that the CIA is confident they'll get their hands on the documents, and that he has to detail what they'll do with the documents once they have them.
Once again in the conference room, Dix announces that Project Black Hole is delivering the code key today, and as soon as The Restoration is in their possession, Marshall will begin the decoding process. Then we see a shot of a silver briefcase sliding past the screen as Moronen hungrily looks after it. Back again with Jack. "In truth," he says, "Marshall will be receiving a bogus code key." Marshall looks nervous at this prospect. Dix says, "We should also remind [Moronen] that" -- and in the conference room, Jack continues the sentence -- "even if we do not recover the documents, we know that, without this code key, the Covenant will not be able to read it." Moronen slips a glance over to Jack. Careful, Moronen. Your eyeliner is showing. Heh. Back in Dix's office, Jack says that it's probable that Moronen will try to copy the code key. "That's where you come in," says Jack, looking over to an oblivious Marshall. Everyone looks at him. "Me?" says Marshall. "You have to act…completely normal," says Jack, realizing that he's asking for a monumental task to be accomplished here. Hee. Marshall swallows hard.
Marshall's Garage Of Geekiness. Marshall's sitting over a piece of plastic with some writing on it. He's looking at it through a microscope and dusting it for…fingerprints? I have no idea. Moronen bursts in, startling Marshall, and he totally flakes and fusses and generally falls all over the place. In other words? He's actually acting completely normal. Heh. Moronen blathers some lie about needing to detail the code key herself for the NSC. Marshall eagerly invites her to take a look. She puts her coffee cup down on some important disc of Marshall's, and he mildly flips out and removes it, saying he doesn't want to damage the computer geek disc he's putting together for his future geek of a son. Moronen just ignores his sputtering and runs her pen over the code key itself, asking Marshall what language it's in. I'm assuming, by the way, that her pen is copying the code key. "It's fourth-century Neapolitan Italian," says Marshall. "Which, I love saying, because it makes me think of ice cream. Ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!" Moronen just smiles, says Neapolitan ice cream is her favorite, grabs the coffee cup, and leaves. "Really?" whispers Marshall. "Mine too."
Dix's Office Of Marshall Kind Of Kicks Ass Too. Marshall enters. "She is good," he practically shouts to a waiting Dix, Vaughn, Syd, and Jack. "I mean, if you had to fall in love with someone evil, I can see why it was her." Heh. He looks down and sees Syd looking up at him. "You know -- not that you're -- in love with -- whatever the attraction was originally --" Hee. Vaughn just pouts at him. "Did she take the bait?" Marshall says he doesn't know about that, but he does know that Moronen definitely took his thumbprint. He heads over to Dixon's computer and takes a seat. He's looking to see if there's any use of his biometric access within the agency. In English? He's checking to see if Moronen's using his fingerprint to get to the code key.
And she is. Somewhere in the building, Moronen strips Marshall's print off the cup and uses it to access a locked room. This immediately shows up on the screen Marshall's looking at, and informs him that she's in image processing. Over in image processing, Moronen does something funky with her pen and a computer and yes, it looks like she copied the key. It comes up on the screen, and then a machine over in the corner starts printing the key onto a piece of plastic. Right. Because…paper's not good enough? Huh? I don't know. It looks cool. Moronen takes the key and gets the hell outta there. Up in Dix's office, Jack surmises that Moronen's step will be to give the code key to her handler or whoever can use it to read the documents. Dix tells Syd that she and Vaughn will track Moronen to that location and ID her contact, and that should lead the CIA to the location of the documents. After that, they'll spec out a mission to recover them. Dix turns to Syd and tells her Jack has told them that The Passenger is Syd's sister. He hopes that whatever is in the documents will help them find the sister.
Outside Dix's office, Jack's walking off as Syd runs up to him and tells him that Sloane confirmed that he's the father. Jack's all, huh. Yeah. I see. Syd's all, I know this upsets you, dude. "I'm fine," grits Jack, totally unbelievably. He starts to storm off, but Syd won't let him leave. "If Sloane is to be executed," she says, "then it should be for a crime he committed." "What, exactly, are you implying?" snaps Jack. Heh. Syd's all, um, I would have thought it was relatively clear as to what I'm implying, dude. If you have evidence that could clear Sloane, you have to use it. Jack's all, dude? I don't have evidence. Now shut up and go make me a turkey potpie! Syd just fakes a smile at him and walks off. Jack looks after her, estimating that if he keeps his mouth shut, his daughter might just go back to hating him that way she used to back at the beginning of Season One.
Then we catch up with Syd and Vaughn as they sit in a big yellow van watching Moronen on some TV screens. "You know what I want?" asks Vaughn. "What?" answers Syd. "A normal life," he says, smiling ruefully at her. Meanwhile, Moronen's just sitting at a table at a café, reading a newspaper upside down. Oh, she so is. She's that stupid. She waves at someone, and inside the van, Vaughn alerts Syd that something's going down. Mama Reed shows up. Vaughn's all, the whuh? In the whuh whuh? She's supposed to be in London. Mama Reed sits, and Moronen passes her the newspaper in a gesture so damn broad that Russian satellites are picking it up and there's a bunch of guys down in Moscow going, "Hey, didn't that blonde girl with the bad accent just pass the older blonde woman with the bad accent something?"
Syd and Vaughn try to pick up the conversation. All they end up hearing is Mama Reed say something about the Covenant. "Oh my god," says Syd, turning to Vaughn. He quickly tries to clear up the interference so they can hear more clearly. Down at the table, Moronen chastises her mother for not even appearing to mourn. Mama Reed's all, uh, baby? You might want to be a little bit more grateful. I killed your dad to protect you. Back in the van, Vaughn and Syd finally get a clear read on the conversation and discover that the documents are at the Reed home in Virginia, and that the Covenant wants them translated by tomorrow. Moronen goes on to say that she'll head up to Virginia tomorrow, and that whatever the documents tell them about The Passenger, they should act on immediately. God. They're both the Worst. Spies. Ever. Can't they talk in code? I mean, even during World War II, spies talked about missiles and subs in terms of gardens and birds, for god's sake! And once again, more alcohol should help this situation along quite nicely…
Dr. Nancy's Office Of Couples That Should Be No More. Vaughn and Moronen are going through therapy. Yeah. Because now that Dr. Nancy's banged Sloane, she's not involved in a HUGE conflict of interest here or anything. Vaughn says that Moronen doesn't trust him, and that trust is based on honesty. Moronen just says that she thinks Vaughn will leave her once she mourns the death of her father. Please, girl. He's going to kill you first! There's some more back and forth about their problems and working on them, and then Moronen drops the bomb that their real problem is that Vaughn thinks he's in love with Sydney. Not "thinks," Moronen, KNOWS. Vaughn's all, how the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Dr. Nancy's all, with some honesty and without all the 'tude, please. Vaughn just says that Sydney is very important to him and that they go away together a lot. Which is Dr. Nancy's cue to ask if Moronen and Vaughn have ever gone away together. Moronen shakes her head. Dr. Nancy says that maybe they should plan a trip together. Vaughn pipes up that Moronen's visiting her mother in Virginia. Moronen quickly tries to back out of this, but Dr. Nancy persists, and finally, the trip is on.
And that's when Dr. Nancy heads on over to Dixon's office and informs him that it worked -- Vaughn's going to Richmond. Heh. Wow. That Dr. Nancy. She's got some truly flexible morals, that one. Hypocritical Oath, anyone? The day, Mama Reed opens her door to find both Moronen and Vaughn on the front steps. She welcomes them warmly, and Vaughn goes upstairs to drop off the luggage. Once he leaves, Moronen turns to her mother. "His being here is unacceptable," she snits at her daughter. Moronen's all, oh, bite me, Mommie Bitchiest. I had no choice. We're supposed to be reconciling. I wouldn't worry, though; he's bought my act this far, so he must be pretty damn stupid. Do you have any Snack 'Ems? Upstairs, Vaughn quickly goes into Spy Mode, placing a device inside a lamp and switching it on. He goes on comm and asks if Marshall's getting a reading. Marshall taps into the power grid and brings up the power schematic of the house. Syd gets on the horn and tells Vaughn that they'll let him know when they find the safe. He's all, copy that, and walks off. Love it when Vaughn starts getting down to business. Love it.
He heads out onto the back porch for some sweet tea with the ladies. There's some chitchat that doesn't really matter here. Basically, it's small talk, and it involves Vaughn asking Mama Reed how she's doing, and she just acts the part of the damaged mole-wife and Vaughn has to chew on the inside of his cheek to keep from pitching his glass of sweet tea directly at her head. Vaughn's phone rings, and he picks up. Syd tells him that the safe is in the study. Vaughn tells the ladies that it's Weiss and he needs help on a brief. He gets up to go upstairs and briefly takes his wife's hand. "You're cold," he says. Hee. "While I'm inside, I'll get you a sweater." Yeah. I don't think that's gonna help, Vaughn. While you're at it, you might want to pick up a blowtorch and some firewood, because that bitch is chilly.
Inside the house, Vaughn switches back to comms. He makes his way to the study and locates the safe behind a picture on the wall. He hooks something up to the safe and immediately unlocks it. Inside, he finds the manuscript. He pulls it out and heads over to the desk and unrolls it. He scans the document, sending it to Marshall. Never mind that Vaughn's scanning it top to bottom and Marshall's receiving it left to right. Just never you mind that. This is probably a good time to refill your glass with your alcohol of choice. Just a friendly reminder. Out on the back patio, Moronen asks her mother if the documents have been deciphered yet. Mama Reed's all, uh, yeah, GENIUS, because you just fucking GOT here and we were supposed to be doing it TOGETHER, but since your nosy HUSBAND'S here too, WE CAN'T GET TO IT. "You do your work," says Moronen. "I can handle him." "I wonder," snots Mama Reed. Just then, Moronen realizes that Vaughn's been gone awhile, and heads in to find him.
Vaughn continues scanning the documents. Moronen switches a light on in a room, and Marshall picks it up on his screen. Syd informs Vaughn that someone else is in the house. He continues scanning, until he hears a floorboard creak outside. Moronen continues coming toward him. She heads toward the study doors and walks right inside. Vaughn turns. Moronen asks him what he's doing in there. He turns around and produces their wedding album. Yeah. Again. Never mind that there's no way in hell Vaughn could have rolled up the documents, tied them securely, and put them back in the safe in that small amount of time. Drink more. Think less.
Moronen shuts the study doors, and they look at their pictures together. Vaughn puts the album down to go get Moronen's sweater as she sneaks a glance at the safe wall. Before he can leave, she tells him that their wedding day was the happiest day of her life. "Me too," he lies. "I want to be that happy again," she says as Syd listens in over the comm. "What can I do to make that happen?" Moronen asks as she puts her lips all over Vaughn's. Ew! EWWWW! "That's a start," says Vaughn. Syd's still listening as we hear the inexorable sounds of heavy breathing and kissing. Oh, gross. I don't like to hear that on a good day, but hearing it from THEM? How fucking nasty is that? Marshall looks really uncomfortable at what he's hearing. Heh. Comm porn. Syd looks nauseous. Back in the study, Moronen removes Vaughn's jacket and kisses the side of his face, and we get to see his expression. He basically looks like he's going to throw up and his skin is crawling and he hopes to God Syd's turned off the comm by now. Luckily, she just has. Still doesn't erase the constant loop going on her head of the sound of Moronen and Vaughn making out. Gack.
Hee. The sock thief commercial kills me. "Dee dee dee dee dee! Here I go as I steal the socks!" Hee. So it's NOT the Covenant after all. And could we just talk about howNYPD Blue shouldn't be on the air anymore? And also? Trish is a bitch. But she's not a whore. Because if sleeping with 35 people makes you a whore, then hi. I'm a whore.
Oops Center. Using the real code key, Marshall was able to decipher the documents. Do they tell us who The Passenger is? No. Of course they don't! That would be too easy! Instead, they tell us about an artifact called "The Hourglass." Okay, now I think the writers are just doing this to piss me off. I mean, really. Whatever. The Hourglass was sold to a guy named Mesa Radon, who, as it turns out, is the guy who's running Yakuza's U.S. shipping business. You know who the Yakuza are, right? Japanese mafia. That detail's only important if you want to think that Syd murdering a bunch of guys later on in the show is really okay.
So, this Radon dude owns a building in Little Tokyo that's a Yakuza stronghold. There's a nightclub down below and a personal art gallery on sublevel two, which is where The Hourglass is being held. Or shown. Or whatever. Marshall shows them the schematics of the gallery, then tells them that if they're going to go get The Hourglass, they'd better hurry; according to Rambaldi, The Hourglass will only show the location of The Passenger to one man -- her father. Which, considering that Sloane's about to be executed in six hours, might be kind of difficult. After the meeting, Syd corners her father. Jack tells her that the Justice Department has refused to stay Sloane's execution, even in light of current circumstances. Syd tells her father that if Sloane dies, she'll never be able to find her sister. Considering the fact that your sister's considered a weapon, Syd, I'd think twice before running off in search of her, yeah?
Jack seems to agree with me, because he says, "Has it occurred to you that your half-sister might be a danger to you?" "Yes, of course," says Syd. "But it's equally possible that I could help her. She could be an innocent victim." "With Irina Derevko and Arvin Sloane as her parents?" says Jack. "I. Don't. Think. So." Hee. Syd sees that she's getting nowhere with her smug son-of-a-bitch of a father, so she hauls out a gargantuan lie and says that she requested to see Senator Reed's personal effects and that she knows the truth about The Trust. Jack pulls out The Pursed Lips of Fuck, I've Been Caught in response. "Dad, are you really so bitter that you would sacrifice my sister in order to get payback for a 25-year-old affair?" "Sloane deserves to die," is Jack's lame return. "Yes he does," says Syd. "But not for this." Jack says he'll talk to the Director of Legal Policy at Justice. He has operational control over Sloane's case, and he's coming to Oops Center to oversee the execution. When he arrives, Jack will turn over the information he has on Sloane and The Trust. "That should…exonerate Sloane," finishes Jack. "Thank you," says Syd, walking away. "Sydney," he says, "what, exactly, did you find in the senator's effects?" "Nothing," says Syd. "I requested them but they haven't arrived. Now I don't have to look." Jack looks after his daughter as she walks away, the expression on his face saying, my little baby! I've raised her well! And dammit! Foiled again!
Somewhere in Little Tokyo. Syd and Vaughn are in a van just outside the entrance to Radon's club. Vaughn tells Syd that the west stairwell is her best bet for entrance to the sublevels. Syd asks if there are any countermeasures, but as far as they can tell, it's only guards. Well, only guards with guns. But that's not important right now. They're sort of working on the fly in this particular op. Syd, by the way, is wearing a black wig with really short bangs. Normally, Jennifer Garner could look good in a Phyllis Diller special, but this time? Not so much. The bangs are…wrong. Just wrong. Vaughn thinks so too, but he's too polite to say so. Instead, he just wants to talk about what happened in Richmond. What, you mean the wife-sex? Yeah. Syd doesn't want to talk about that, dude. She's all, you were just doing your job, man. I understand. "And she is your wife," Syd manages to say without barfing. Vaughn just kind of nods his head in resigned agreement. "Not for long," he says, making countless fans across the country simultaneously shriek, "WOOOOO!"
Back at Oops Center, Jack's sitting at his desk flipping through his Trust intel when Dix walks up and introduces Marlon Bell, the guy who runs legal policy at Justice. In other words, the guy Jack said he'd talk to. They shake hands. Marlon blathers something about how glad he is that they caught Sloane because it was his signature on the pardon agreement and, you know, it's so embarrassing when you pardon someone who really deserves to die. Yeah. That sucks. Marlon goes on to say that he was really looking forward to seeing the son-of-a-bitch die. Jack, for some reason, doesn't speak up about The Trust, and just looks after Marlon with a grimace on his face. Then he picks up his Trust folder and drops it into a drawer, slamming it shut. Oh, that can't be good.
Uncle Arvin's Cage Of Caginess. The doors slam open and Jack enters, bearing a bottle of wine and two glasses. "You're not gonna help me," says Sloane. Jack just responds by pouring a glass of wine and saying, "In April '75 in Saigon, you toasted Sydney's birth with a bottle of Chambertin Clos de Bez. Your favorite. Now that I know you have a daughter, I thought I should return the honor, especially considering they share the same mother." Oh, man, he's good. "Irina betrayed both of us, Jack," says Sloane. Wonder what he means by that? He goes on to say that Irina sought Sloane out for information, the same way she did Jack. Jack takes a seat. "She was my wife," he grits. "She was a KGB spy," says Sloane, walking over to Jack, "who cared nothing about you or me." He takes a seat. "I've always thought that you understood your relationship with Irina was nothing more than that. But now that your schoolboy crush on the woman who destroyed your life is preventing you from saving mine, I will have to revise that assessment." God-DAMN that's a good line.
Sloane glugs from his glass of wine. Speaking of which…glug. Glug glug. Jack says something about how Irina affected Sloane's life just as much as his. "I knew the possibility existed that Sydney would be drawn into our world," says Jack. "But I often wondered why you were the one who sought her out, why you showed such paternal affection toward her. Now I know. You did it because you were angry. And jealous. And wanted to take away the one thing that was important to both Irina and me -- the symbol of what we had and you didn't. Sydney." He stops and looks at Sloane as Sloane chugs more wine. "You're right," he continues. "I'm not going to help you. Since this is the last conversation we will ever have, I want to make this perfectly clear. What you have done to my daughter is nothing compared to what I will do when I find yours. Salut." Jack picks up the wine and takes a tiny sip. Which is important because…oh, hell. It's just important, okay? And this scene? KICKED ASS. Notice an overwhelming lack of snark? Notice that? Yeah. I thought so.
Execution Day. Sloane, dressed in the traditional orange garb reserved for those doomed to die, walks toward a cracked and dirty mirror in his cell. He takes one long look at himself. The cell door opens and an agent enters. "Half an hour," he says. Sloane just looks at him, his body seemingly small and fragile and broken. As the agent exits, Sloane turns back to his contemplation of his reflection. It's so…sad. Before we can cry, however, we head back over to Little Tokyo and catch up with Syd and Vaughn as they try to make it past a bouncer. Syd says she's on the list. The bouncer's all, yeah, whatever, everyone's on the list. Syd kind of backs off as Vaughn tries to storm his way through. For the purposes of this op, they're pretending they're not together. The bouncer shoves Vaughn back into the crowd. Vaughn's all, hey, watch the suit, man! The bouncer's all, dude. GO HOME. Vaughn's all, what, you a big tough guy now? "Livin' the dream?" Hee. I don't know why that cracked me up. The bouncer gets all up in Vaughn's face. Meanwhile, Syd slips behind the bouncer and enters the club. Nice security there, Sparky. Vaughn, sensing that this guy could break him like a twig, just gets the hell outta there.
Execution Hall. Sloane walks slowly down the hall toward Jack and Dix. He looks absolutely defeated and pathetic. Dix walks up and tells Sloane that he'll pray for him. "I pray your soul can find peace in the life." "That's very kind, Marcus," responds Sloane. He continues walking down the hall toward Jack. They just look at each other briefly before Sloane's led away. Back in Little Tokyo, Syd's making her way to the sublevel gallery. Vaughn copies that and tells her she's all clear. FYI, it's not just Syd's wig that's hideous; the dress sucks too. Not that it matters, it's just…I've seen better on this show. So, Syd heads up to a metal door and places a device in the key card slider. She tells Marshall to work his magic. Hee. They should just say that every time they have to use some technology that doesn't exist. "Marshall? Work your magic." Because it totally is magic on this show. Marshall gets the door unlocked, and Syd opens it…which switches us immediately to the door opening in the execution arena where Sloane is about to enter. It's a wonderful, very smart, very smooth cut and makes me want to kiss Ken Olin all over. Sloane slowly shuffles in, looking about three feet tall and ninety years old. Jack and Dix and Marlon watch from the gallery. Sloane finally looks up from beneath hooded eyes and sees the cross-shaped execution table. He visibly cringes.
Inside the witness gallery, Moronen enters and parks it to Dix. Dix is all, bitch? What the hell do you think YOU'RE doing in here? Moronen's all, I cleared it, yo. So back the fuck off. "I had no intention of missing the execution of this traitor," she says ironically. Dix just gets this look on his face that's like, oh, Moronen. If you only knew. YOU'RE . Back in Little Tokyo, Syd's entered the private art gallery. She sees something and gets on the horn to Marshall, saying they have a problem. There's a motion sensor in the room that's on random sweeps. Syd spies The Hourglass across the room and asks if Marshall can disable the sensor remotely. Marshall says he could, but it would take him a long time to decipher the codes or something. Syd asks if there's a repeating prefix in the majority of the codes and Marshall responds that there is: "86-86." Syd says it's an anger-type design, and that he should grab Dixon because Dix speced out a similar system for a mission in Honduras, so he'll know what the back door is.
Marshall's all, I can't, 'cuz Dixon's downstairs witnessing Sloane's execution. Syd's all, he WHAT? It's going forward? Marshall's all, uh, yeah, I thought you knew. It makes me incredibly sad. Doesn't it make you sad? Syd's all, Marshall? KILL THE GRID NOW. Back at the execution (which sounds incredibly weird), Marlon stands and asks if Sloane has any final words. "I do," whispers Sloane, already lying on the table with his arms spread out Jesus-like. "For you who pay witness, I can only believe there is a common thought amongst you all -- this is as it should be." The camera pans across the witnesses. "I do not disagree," continues Sloane, starting to lose it a little bit. "My only request -- that if my daughter is in fact found alive, that she understand my actions. That she understand that this day's events are the net result of her father's passion to find her…to know her…to love her…" Holy mother. I mean. Really. Good Lord. Shh. Leave me to cry in peace.
The camera pans to Jack, with the reflection of Sloane spread out on the table on the glass in front of him. The guitar strains of "Change (In The House Of Flies)" by the Deftones start thrumming in the background. Back in Little Tokyo, Syd can't wait any longer. She's going in. "Stand down, Mountaineer," says Marshall. "I'm almost --" Vaughn, from his post in the van, looks toward the club as if to will Syd not to make a wrong move. "Radon security detail is two dozen strong!" shouts Vaughn. Syd's not listening. She flings off her leather jacket and produces two handheld submachine guns. Vaughn flees his post. Syd starts shooting at the guards, taking them down one by one. She grabs The Hourglass.
Back with Sloane, he looks up at the ceiling as the execution syringes start coming down. He looks terrified, but resigned. Then he starts shaking and his body starts flinging off the table. God. Back with Syd, she busts out of the gallery, only to come across another guard. She drops him quickly. Sloane. Dying. Syd. Running. Another guard. Another one. Syd drops the second one, but runs out of bullets before she can get the first one. The guard moves toward her. Sloane. Dying. Syd. Still hiding from the guard as he moves toward her. Suddenly, a shot is fired from behind the guard and he goes down. It's Vaughn, in a crouch, his gun pointed. I have no idea why, but I thought he looked really super hot at that moment. Yeah. I know. Sloane's dying and I'm thinking about Hot!Vaughn. Sorry. I'm a red-blooded whore, remember?
Syd runs up to Vaughn. Sloane dies as the gallery watches. We see the non-expression on Moronen's face, the sad acceptance on Dixon's, the relatively blank nothingness on Marlon's, and the pursed gravity on Jack's. It's a really nice moment in an episode just chock-full of nice moments. Outside in the hall, Syd's making her way toward the execution room. She comes face-to-face with her father and sees the black body bag with Sloane's body inside it behind him. "Sydney --" he starts. "Don't," she cuts him off. "There's nothing you can say." She leaves, taking The Hourglass with her. Jack just looks after her.
Elsewhere in Oops Center, Moronen McIdiot picks up her cell phone and calls her mother. "Sloane is dead," she says. "We can now locate The Passenger without his interference." Oh, please. Can't she LEAVE THE BUILDING to do that? God, she's dumb. And, yes, I'm referring to the character, NOT Melissa George, okay? And don't send me emails about it either. I don't care. The woman walks and breathes and spells and talks, okay? Let's assume she's not an idiot. Her character, on the other hand…whatever. She tells her mother about Sloane. Her mother's all, not quite, dude. "The code key you retrieved from the CIA is unusable. I can only assume that was deliberate on their part. Vaughn played you. He's likely to try again. But that will be his last mistake." Moronen hangs up on her mother and wonders if there are some banners or flags somewhere on which she can write, "I am a big fat TRAITOR!"
Somewhere in the basement of Oops Center, later that night, Sloane's dead body is just hangin' out. Chillin'. Sorry. It couldn't be helped. Someone walks in and unzips the bag. Then they take out a syringe and stick it into Sloane's neck. The camera pans up and it's Jack. Heh. Heh heh. Sloane suddenly gasps and comes to. Heh heh heh. Sloane's not dead. I totally thought he died, y'all. Really. "Surprised you didn't get the reference," says Jack. "Modified kaexelate cocktail washed with tetrodotoxin presented in a bottle of Chambertin Clos de Bez. Just like we used in Saigon." Hee. Sloane looks confused. And not dead. "But understand," says Jack, leaning over him, "this was not done out of compassion. I orchestrated this because and only because I need you." Sloane doesn't seem to like the sound of that.
But I sure as hell do! WOOOO! My old Alias is back! Yay! Sincerely? Best episode ever. Or at least this season. Which isn't really saying much, I know, but still. I had a good time. And that's the most important thing, isn't it? Just say yes. And then go drink some more.
on Alias: Spy Skipper shows up. Hee. I know. I can't wait either. Also? There might be some Shirtless!Vaughn! That's not confirmed. But I, for one, will be tuning in.