Blood Ties

Previously on Alias: The show kicked all kinds of ass. Syd found out she had a sister. Vaughn found out Moronen was the mole. Sloane died. Then Jack brought him back. It was AWESOME.

Tonight on Alias: I have an aneurysm. Seriously. If you notice portions of the recap deteriorating, that's just me. Having a mini-stroke. From having to pay attention so damn hard to all the shit that's crammed into this episode that my brain actually EXPLODES.

We start off with Vaughn and Dix. They're down at the shooting range, and Vaughn's taking shots at cutouts of Moronen with her leaky eyeliner showing. Vaughn's pissed because he hasn't had the chance to tell his wife to go fuck herself yet. Dix is sympathetic, but it doesn't matter, because now that Sloane's dead (not), they've reached a dead (not) end in the search for The Passenger, so Moronen's too valuable of an ass -- erm, "asset" for them to lose right now. Oh, whatever. Just shoot her. Dix blah blahs about how they can use Moronen to feed disinformation to the Covenant in order to keep them from bunking up Jack and Syd's investigation. He assures Vaughn that as soon as they find The Passenger, they'll put Moronen into custody. Until then, Weiss will keep up surveillance on her. "I'm sorry," says Dix with a huff. Vaughn just cocks (hee!) his gun, aims, and blows the eyeliner right off Moronen's face.

And can I just say, for the record, that there's nothing quite as hot as Michael Vartan shooting a gun. I know it's wrong. I know it bespeaks a streak of violence within me. I know that guns are bad. I don't care. Michael Vartan can pop a cap in my ass any old time.

Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Aw! How I missed the SDD! It's been away too long! That used to be my favorite place back in S1 and S2. Well, that and Mama Hari's Den of Delights. Sigh. I miss S1 and S2. Sniffle. Ahem. Okay, so we're in the SDD, and Syd's entering with a briefcase that I assume holds The Hourglass. She snits something about not being sure she should have come. Jack, for his part, appreciates that Sydney could put aside her misplaced anger and rather irritating holier-than-thou attitude in order to just fucking show up. He turns to her and reveals that he did find evidence that Sloane was working with The Trust. Syd's all, uh, dude? It's a little late for you to be telling me this now. Duh. Sloane's dead, y'all. Jack's all, uh, yeah, about that

"Sydney," says Sloane, emerging from the shadows. Syd just kind of catches her breath. Jack explains that he was about to give Marlon the goods on Sloane's innocence when he all of a sudden realized that Marlon was a member of The Trust. What was it that gave him away, Jack? The fact that he was, I don't know, standing? Walking? Talking? ALIVE? Because, like, that little moment of Marlon and Jack talking before Jack was supposed to hand over the Sloane file gave NO indication to me whatsoever that Marlon was a baddie. And you know what? I'm not going back over the tape to confirm this. Suffice it to say, Jack Bristow is, along with being the ass-kicking-est daddy on the face of the planet, apparently psychic and a damn fine judge of people. Except for his wife. And occasionally Sloane. And apparently Moronen. AndI think I just deflated this argument.

Right. Moving on. Syd and Jack make their way over to Sloane as Jack tells her that executing Sloane was apparently part of The Trust's big-picture plan. In case we missed the last episode and the last recap, Ron Rifkin brings us up to speed on that whole wine-that-makes-you-immune-to-death-penalty-drugs scenario. So. See. Sloane wasn't dead. He just seemed to be dead. Get it? "Sydney," says Sloane, "whatever grief my apparent death might have caused you, I only wish I could have spared you the pain --" Oh, dude. You just. Oh, man. Syd's gonna rip you a new one, dude. And here she goes. "When I heard you were dead, the only grief I felt was over the possibility of never knowing my sister. I did not grieve for you." Well put, Syd. Sloane agrees with me. "I see," he says with a wry grimace. "Well, in the interest of finding your sister," he says grimly, "may I have The Hourglass?"

Syd looks to Jack, who just nods in response. She goes to open the case as Jack asks Sloane what Spy Sis's value really is. Because he just KNOWS Sloane's hiding something from everyone. Did I mention the psychic? And yet, this psychic ability somehow fails to notify Jack that Sloane's really just interested in kidnapping his kid so he can do things to her with green goo. I'm just sayin'. Sloane looks up. "When I was searching for her, I made a discovery," he says, launching us into some serious flashbacking. "Did someone call for a pizza?" shrieks the Exposition Fairy, slamming open the chain gate and careening over to the trio. Everyone just ignores her as Sloane continues, telling Jack and Syd that he found some Rambaldi text that foretold of a person -- a passenger, if you will -- who would serve as a direct conduit to Rambaldi. "WHAT?" screams the Exposition Fairy with her mouth full of pepperoni. "Are they fucking KIDDING with this shit? God. It's no wonder I drink!" Syd chucks a Schlitz at the Fairy's head. "Oh, please," she says, under her breath. "Like you need a reason to drink." "Watch it, sweetheart," says the Exposition Fairy, cracking the beer. "This whole show is ONE BIG REASON TO DRINK. And if you don't pass me the cheese curls, I'll leave, and you'll never know the whole story behind your sister, mmm-kay?"

After the cheese curls are passed, Sloane continues with a roll of the eyes. See, the Rambaldi text contained a formula for an elixir ("HA!" chomps the Fairy) and Sloane made up a batch of this elixir, which appears to be made of nuclear-powered swamp algae. According to Rambaldi, when injected, this elixir would bring about an altered state of consciousness ("Jesus," chews the Fairy. "I'll give you an altered state of consciousness. I'm in an altered state of consciousness from the second I fucking wake up!"), allowing The Passenger to channel a message. As Sloane tells this story, we get a repeat performance of that time when Sloane injected himself with the green goo. "Hey, that shit looks good," smacks the Fairy, emptying the bag of cheese curls into her gaping maw. "You got any of that stuff left? The Tooth Fairy took my last eighth. Little tramp."

So, yeah, whatever. You inject the goo, and apparently you channel Rambaldi and you say something. The message you deliver is rumored to be the key to Rambaldi's endgame. Jack just looks at Sloane like, "Dude? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Christ on a popsicle stick, you are one dumb-ass mo-fo." Oh, but Sloane's not done yet. While we watch Sloane inject the green goo, he actually TELLS us that he injected the green goo. You know. In case we CAN'T SEE THE TV. And while I have great sympathy and concern for those among us who are blind, if you are not blessed with the gift of sight and you're actually attempting to follow this show? II shall pray for you, my friends. I shall pray. So, okay, Sloane injects the goo to channel the old dude andyeah, nothing happens. Which brings us back to The Passenger. "FINALLY!" screams the Fairy, licking the inside of the pizza box. The green goo is meant only for The Passenger. Unfortunately, if the Covenant gets their hands on The Passenger, they'll inject her with massive doses of the Green Goo and she'll be a goner. Because, apparently, in small doses? You talk to Rambaldi. In big doses? Youtalk with a bad accent? I don't know. You die, I guess. Although, since this has never been tried before, I'm absolutely astounded that anyone can even venture a guess as to just what effect this will have on ANYONE, let alone a girl no one's ever even fucking MET BEFORE.

Sloane wants to prevent the possibility of the Covenant laying "waste to [The Passenger's] psyche" and eventually killing his only child. That's why he's helping Syd and Jack. "All I want to do is to protect my child," sputters Sloane. And, knowing what we know now (that is, if we've seen the episode, and I'm assuming we all have), this sentence is almost comically overwrought. Heh. Sloane's such a duplicitous prick. Syd wants to know how they find her sister. "We use this," says Sloane, reaching for The Hourglass. He picks it up, raises it over his head as Syd and Jack watch with horror, and then heaves it down to the ground, where it shatters, releasingwait for itGreen Goo. The Green Goo forms abig ball of Green Goo. Hey. When did we slip over from Alias to Ghostbusters? I didn't notice Bill Murray or Harold Ramis in the room. Although you can bet your ass if either one of those guys were in the room, this scene would be a whole hell of a lot funnier, not to mention FASTER.

Oops Center. Moronen's going through her files, looking for an errant receipt for a purchase of fourteen boxes of L'Oreal black kohl eyeliner and two cases of Bonne Belle Lipsmackers in Ragin' Raspberry. Vaughn walks up and asks why Moronen's at the office, since she was supposed to be working from home today. Moronen just says she had to pick up her files and her workbook on "How To Be A Lousy Spy," and then she's outta there. She shoots him a sideways glance and mentions something about their Fiji trip. Vaughn just tells her to consider month to get away. She says "I love you," kisses him, and he totally doesn't return the "I love you." Heh. His phone rings, and it's Brill. Remember him? He reminds Vaughn how they met and tells him he has something important to reveal about Daddy Vaughn. He tells Vaughn where to meet him and when, and they ring off. Moronen asks who it was, and Vaughn just delivers this lame excuse that it's the dry cleaners and he has to go pick up a suit that's been there since 1982. Moronen offers to pick it up, but Vaughn tells her to get the hell outta there and fucking leave him alone already so he can go find out the dirt on his dad. Moronen leaves, and Vaughn shoots Weiss a look like, dude? Go git her. Weiss goes and gits her.

Moronen gets into her car and drives off. Weiss follows. Hee. Weiss actually gets to leave the office again! And drive! Yay! More Weiss! More Weiss! Excuse me. Over at the Daddies Have Secrets Too Meet 'n' Greet, Vaughn's standing outside an elevator. It opens to reveal Shaft, a.k.a. Richard Roundtree, a.k.a. Brill, standing there, waiting for Vaughn. Vaughn gets into the elevator, and the two of them start riding it up or down or sideways or something. Brill starts his story. "I told you I worked with your father," he begins, "but what I didn't tell you is that I was with him on his last mission." WHUMP! That sound you hear is the body of the Exposition Fairy landing on top of the elevator. "LEMME IN! LEMME IN! I GOT SOME EXPOSITING TO DO!" Brill stops the elevator. The Exposition Fairy rolls over and falls through the service entrance into the cab. "OW. OWWWW! God, I hate this FUCKING JOB. I look like fuckin' Stevie Nicks! OWWW!"

The men ignore this intrusion and get a move on the expositing. Vaughn's all, yeah, dude, I know how my father died. Brill's all, save it, little soldier. You don't have a goddamn clue. "He doesn't, you know," grunts the Fairy. "Have a clue, that is. ABOUT ANYTHING." Brill kicks the Fairy in the head and tells Vaughn that Papa Vaughn was actually on an operation that wasn't sanctioned by the CIA. Vaughn's all, dude! No WAY! My dad would NEVER go against the CIA! Brill's all, dude! WAY! "He was a follower of Rambaldi," says Brill. "That's impossible," snaps Vaughn. Was so! Was not! Was so! Was not! So! Not! "ENOUGH!" scraps the Fairy, whipping out a bottle of Cuervo. "GET ON WITH IT!"

Brill reveals that Papa Vaughn died protecting "the little girl." The Followers of Rambaldi (heretofore known as "FOR") knew the little tyke was The Passenger, so they broke her out of KGB custody. But Papa Vaughn didn't trust the CIA either, so he took her to the safety of the warm and cozy confines ofthe FOR clubhouse. Or something. Vaughn's still not buying that his dad was a FOR or that he would go against his country. Brill just says that Papa Vaughn was the best man he ever knew and he gave his life to make sure that The Passenger would be safe. "Now, if you don't stop what's happening," says Brill, "his sacrifice will be for nothing." Yeah. I don't know. Didn't Irina kill Papa Vaughn? If he died protecting Spy Skipper, then why would Irina have tried to stop that? Did she choose Sydney over Spy Skipper because the prophecy says something about -- wait. I'm violating my own rules. Where's the vodka. And the whiskey. And the tequila. And while we're at it, WHERE'S THE LIGHTER FLUID?

While I'm injecting grain alcohol into my left butt cheek, Weiss is checking up on Moronen, who's pulling into a service station to get gas. She gets out of the car, and Weiss quickly realizes that the woman he's just followed is NOT Moronen, but a double. He gets on the horn to call Vaughn as Brill is ending his interpretive exposition dance on Papa Vaughn. "All right, now you know what you've got to do," he says to Vaughn as he restarts the elevator. "Just make sure that they don't get to her." Now, this is important: at no time do we hear Brill tell Vaughn ANYTHING about The Passenger's location or why Vaughn has to get to her before the Covenant does. Nor do we hear ANYTHING about the Prophecy. The reason I point this out is because, later in the episode, it somehow comes about that Vaughn actually knows the location of The Passenger. So, either Brill says something to Vaughn that happens off-screen, or he says nothing at all and the producers just kind of forgot about that little continuity point and were counting on all of us to be so drunk we wouldn't notice. [Hic.] Guess what? [Hic.] WE NOTICED. [Hic.] Excuse me.

"Why did you come to me?" asks Vaughn. "Because it's what he would want me to do," says Brill, exiting the elevator after the doors open up. The Exposition Fairy stumbles out after him. "Heyyou got cab fare? I have to go meet my parole officer" The doors close again, and Vaughn's alone with the realization that his father was not all he imagined him to be. Vaughn pulls out his cell phone and starts to dial. The doors open up and Vaughn exits, only to have two people in black ski masks hit him in the head and drag him down a hall.

Then we're on a plane with Syd and Jack and Sloane. Syd's holding some metal thingy that's apparently loaded with the Green Goo. Okay, now, stick with me here. It would appear that the Green Goo is now inside this metal thingy, and this metal thingy is actually a battery that operates a Rambaldi artifact that just happens to be in a Trust-owned cold storage vault concealed somewhere in the Smithsonian. The Smithsonian, by the way, would like to apologize for the raging hangover you're going to have tomorrow on behalf of this yammering carnival ride of an episode. Okay, see, this Green Goo Battery powers this artifact that then tells them the location of The Passenger. I justyeah.

Now, I imagine you're thinking, okay. Cool. They'll just go in, grab the artifact, and head home. But you'd be thinking wrong. The vault is protected by a five-key retinal security system. The five keys, of course, correspond to the five members of The Trust. Syd's all, do we even know who they are? Jack's all, uh, yeah, they're all high-ranking government officials, but we've only been able to identify Marlon Bell as one of the five. "I imagine a visit from a ghost will unearth the other four," sneers Sloane. Then we head to the nation's capital, where Marlon is doing his best to act like a sanctimonious jackass on the steps of some federal-looking building. He's ordering around a couple of lackeys when he sees Sloane walking directly past him on the pavement below. Sloane takes total delight in seeing the look of pure panic on Marlon's face. Marlon runs off to warn the other Trust dudes that Sloane is alive! He's alive, I tell you! ALIIIIIVE!

As this is happening, Syd and Jack are sitting in a garage somewhere, waiting for a signal that Marlon's started phoning the other Trust members. Jack fiddles with the steering wheel and then tells Syd that there's something she should know. "When I first learned of Sloane's affair with your mother," Jack says with a bit of difficulty, "I was forced to consider the possibility that I wasn't, in fact, your biological father --" "You don't even need to --" "It's not the case," he says, turning to look directly at her. "I had our medical files examined. Our relationship is clear." Which, you know, it so isn't; but it's a nice moment, nonetheless. "But I wanted you to know, before I was reassuredmy feelings for younever changed." "Dad" is all Syd says, her voice full of emotion in just that one little word. Jack softly smiles at his daughter. She returns the smile. It's justit's a really nice scene. Victor Garber does more with a flick of the eyes than most actors do with a whole body jerk of emotion. And Garner's moment of "Whew! Thank GOD you're my daddy!" is wholly palpable and poignant. It's really delicious. But before we can start to really explore the Spy Family dynamic, Syd's computer bleeps, and we've tapped into Marlon's first call to The Trust. Sloane gets into the back seat and looks at Syd and Jack, his first task done.

And now, for the dessert portion of the dinner

We're close up on a naked wrist, strapped up and hanging from the ceiling. We follow down to the arm, across the chest, complete with hair, mind you, and also, uh, blood, and, um, nipples, and up to the face of Vaughn, listening as Sark blabbles something about his dad. Oh, shut up, Sark. No one's listening. We're all rewinding and pausing and rewinding and pausing andI would just like to take a moment and thank the writers and the producers and the directors for giving usnipple porn. That's right. I said it. Yeah. Michael Vartan's a great actor. NIPPLE PORN. Heh. Excuse me. I have to grease my rewind button.

So, yeah, Sark's saying something about how Brill got away (I wrongly assumed he'd been killed when I wrote the recap -- my bad), but Vaughn wasn't so fortunate. We are, however, very fortunate that Vaughn didn't get away. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. Sark blah blahs some more about how the Covenant's known for awhile that Papa Vaughn was a FOR and that they were hoping Brill would ring Vaughn up. Then Sark, looking all kinds of hot in his black zippered jacket and slightly curled blonde hair, says that there are three things Vaughn needs to understand. The first concerns the rather ominous-looking electric-powered device he holds in his hand. I'd be concerned with that too, actually. It looks like a gigantic "massage wand" from Sharper Image that, you know, NO ONE uses as a "massage wand." If you know what I mean. And I think you do. So, what, he's going to MASSAGE Vaughn to death? Or, um, massage something ELSE to death? I don'tI don't really want to think about it right now.

"Well, I sure as hell do!" said Wendy Kroy when I called to ask him his opinion on the scene. "Bring on the HO! Haul on the YAY!" I promptly hung up on him so that I could devote more time to my rewind button. Rewind. Pause. Sigh. The massage wand is capable of delivering up to 500,000 volts. "Not enough to kill you," sneers Sark deliciously. "Just enough to let you wish it would." Ihuh? What'd he say? And where's his accent? He's been hanging out with Moronen far too long. Also? Not really listening, Sark. We had a full-frontal shot of Michael Vartan's six-pack there for a second. You could be reciting excerpts from Diary of a Unabomber and none of us would be paying attention. But Sark bravely continues on, saying that the second thing he'd like Vaughn to consider is that Sark believes Brill disclosed the location of The Passenger to him, which means that Sark won't stop with the torture 'til Vaughn spills it. "And third, Mr. Vaughn," he says, obviously relishing the moment, "is that I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should." And with that, he shoves the massage wand into Vaughn's side and Vaughn goes into convulsions. Ouch. Also? Gay. So very gay. In the good way. And I think Wendy Kroy agrees with me. "Yes. Yes, I do. So very gay. Mmmm."

And now is the time on Alias when we dance.

Oops Center. Dix is filling in the troops on Moronen evading Weiss's half-assed surveillance. Weiss steps up and states that Vaughn's gone missing as well. Dix believes that Vaughn may have been compromised. Ya think? Dix goes on to say that Weiss is in charge of assembling a search team, and that they should be ready to move just as soon as they get a lead. We switch to Jack and Sloane, sitting in a car. Sloane puts on a rather ridiculous pair of glasses as Jack reminds him that he'll need a five-second lock on each individual in order to register the scan. Sloane just gets out and tells Jack to wish him luck. True to his nature, Jack doesn't utter a word.

Inside what I'm assuming is supposed to be the Smithsonian, Syd's walking across the floor beneath a huge dinosaur skeleton. Jack gets on the comm and tells her that Sloane's on his way to obtain the retinal scans. "Make sure you get to the vault and we'll have the codes," he says. Uh, thanks, Dad. I think I can handle it. I am, after all, dressed in an outfit that no museum geek can resist. Namely, an ankle-length brown skirt, a brown cardigan, a pink blouse, brown nerd glasses, and a chignon that won't quit. Syd moves into position just as a museum geek comes out to greet her. He wipes his hand on his tweed jacket and introduces himself. His name isn't important, though, so I'll just refer to him as Tweedy. Syd plays her role as Geek Girl very well, announcing amazement at the dinosaur skeleton above her. They engage in some geekspeak, with Geek Syd stunning Tweedy with her dino knowledge. A geek romance is born.

As they move through the museum, they talk about some more dino stuff that I really couldn't care less about. Geek Syd works an angle about dinosaurs being closer in relation to birds than reptiles, and somehow this makes Tweedy mention the Hainan fossil from China. Geek Syd flirts geekily that she was hoping to see the fossil. Tweedy stutters that it's still in analysis, so that would be impossible. Hilariously, Geek Syd turns on the waterworks, and this melts ol' Tweedy's heart. He agrees to make an exception in her case, obviously hoping that, by the end of the evening, he'll be analyzing her fossils very closely, without benefit of a microscope.

Torture Chamber of Seriously Sexy Victims. Vaughn's still strung up. And he's still bleeding. And he's still hot. As the close-up on his naked chest clearly indicates. Sark's impressed with Vaughn's defense mechanisms. Of course, the magic wand (hee!) is on the lowest settingso, why don't we just flick it up a few notches to "really pleasurable"? Sark hits a switch, and electricity hums. "I'm through showing restraint," he says. "Now, I'll ask you again: where is The Passenger?" Vaughn slowly looks up, sweat and water running down his face. "Holding that thingyou almost look like you've reached puberty." HEE! Sark, never having gotten over being the smallest kid in his high school graduating class, just slams the magic wand into Vaughn's chest. Vaughn screams in pain. And that's when Moronen slips around the corner. Dammit. Isn't she DEAD YET?

"They cannot have escaped," spits Sark. The camera moves up to the ceiling and we see Syd and Jack, hanging out in the rafters, listening through the boards. Moronen discovers a secret passage. Inside is a trap door. "Sloane set us up," says Moronen. "He betrayed us." We catch a glimpse of Syd as she hears this little tidbit of news. She looks at her father. The Covenant moves out. Syd and Jack drop back down into the room, and Jack announces that this was a Chechnyan safe house and that it was Sloane's suggestion that they seek refuge there. "Sloane knew about the escape route," says Syd. "Sloane was the only person who knew where we were," says Jack. "He tipped the Covenant, lured them here as a distraction, giving him a chance to escape with Nadia." That's a lot of exposition, there, Jack. You okay? You need to have a lie-down? "Son of a bitch," is all Sydney has to say. Hee. I like it when she swears. Because I'm twelve.

Hell-Lay. Vaughn's lying in a hospital bed. Syd's outside the door. She enters. Her bangs are pushed off to the side in that way that I have definitely not recommended to her in the past. She needs to stop that. Immediately. "Vaughn," says Syd. Vaughn wakes and looks at her. "Sydney," he says, reaching for her hand. She takes his. "Are you all right?" he breathes. Aw. The man's been tortured by Sark and his soon-to-be-ex-wife for hours, and all he can think of is Sydney. What a guy. "I'm fine," says Sydney. "The Passenger," says Vaughn, "did you find her?" "Yes. But she's gone. She's missing." "You can't go after her." "What?" "Your sister. You have to let her go." "You're tired, I should let you sleep," says Syd. "No. My father was killed because he took her from the KGB. He hid her from your mother. That's why she murdered him. I met someone who told me The Prophecy. The Passenger and The Chosen One shall battle. Neither will survive. Sydney -- you can't see her again."

Elsewhere in NoneofthismakessensetownNadia is coming to. She's handcuffed to a table that looks just like an execution table. She's wearing all white and she's hooked up to a machine and an IV. Sloane enters, all in black. He walks over to her side, where a bottle of Green Goo lies in wait. "Please" she breathes. "Don't do this" Sloane preps her right arm. "I only wish there could be another way," he says, not without emotion. Nadia starts to cry. Sloane picks up a large needle filled with Green Goo and plunges it into her arm. Nadia gasps, her body convulsing. Sloane's face is rife with regret and, oddly, greed. Nadia's body starts rising off the table. "I'm so sorry," he says as he puts an oxygen mask down over her face. "I'm so sorry." Her body continues to jerk and shake, and Sloane just sadly watches her.

on Alias: Bad acting ensues, apparently. And Katya returns. And there's been a rumor bandied about that we might get a chance to witness some over-forty sexing up. Awww yeah. Go git 'em, Katya!