Ah, autumn. The crisp leaves, the sharp air, the scent of softly burning hair -- goddamn cigarette! Ow! Julio! Get Mommy a damp cloth and a kegger of Ketel One! And give that no-good boyfriend of mine a poke -- no, not THAT kind of poke! This recap's about to start and I'm bound to need me some naked Ethan Embry distraction. Oh, don't you scowl at me, cabana boy! He just LOOKS thirteen!
Sigh. Another autumn, another season of Spy Barbie, Spy Daddy, Captain Cuckoo-for-Coconuts, and our faithful First Mate Forehead. Welcome to Season Three of Alias, my little chickadees; it's time to start drinking.
Previously on Season Two of Alias: Syd and Vaughn fell in lurve and made out. Sloane put together a Rambaldi machine and tortured Syd over a cell phone. Syd and Francinator had the Best. Girl fight. EVER. Syd killed Francinator and passed out, then woke up in an alley in Hong Kong, then wound up in a safe house. Then her boyfriend came to visit. And was wearing a ring. Oh. No. Syd discovered that she'd been missing almost two years, and that she was thought to be dead. Thus endeth the flashback.
With a little fade out and fade in action, we're in the season premiere itself. Vaughn tells Syd that there was a fire at her apartment and that Will survived. Right. He survived. And Bradley Cooper doesn't have a three-picture deal at Miramax or anything. We get a shot of Dixon walking through a burned-out building. As Vaughn voice-overs to Syd that there were remains and that the DNA was a match, we're treated to a shot of a totally devastated Vaughn, wearing all black (yum!) and slumped against a wall, crying. Michael Vartan really shouldn't cry in public. It's about as pretty as when I cry in public and, well, let's just say that resemble Strawberry Shortcake on acid when I cry, okay?
Back in the safe house, Vaughn whispers to Syd, "You were dead." Syd holds her emotions and just goes, "And…you got married?" "I did," he says. God. What a toolbox. I'm sorry. He drops the married bomb and all he can say is, "I did"? Fuck that. He's a spineless piece of plankton, dudes. Syd sort of painfully and ironically smiles, and I half expect her to go, "Yeah, well, congratulations, YOU BITCH!" But she doesn't. She's too busy fighting back the tears to come up with appropriate insults.
Vaughn goes on to say that the CIA asked him to come to Hong Kong, because they thought it would be best if she were introduced to the Agency by someone from her life before. Syd, to her credit, doesn't start bawling. I think J.J. read my memo on this. Instead, she just wonders why the CIA didn't send Spy Daddy. Vaughn just says, "I can't answer that. I chose not to stay with the CIA after your death." Um, okay. He's a teacher now. Um, OKAY. A teacher of what subjects? How To Fall In Love With Your CIA Operative Without Getting Caught 101? Methods Of Cultivating Forehead Wrinkles In Times Of Distress 205? Jesus.
Syd gets up and says that it's gonna take her awhile to deal with all this. Vaughn tells her that the CIA wants him to take her back immediately. Wait. Did he or did he not just say that he isn't WITH the CIA anymore? God. I'm confused already, and we haven't hit the first commercial. Vaughn gets up and goes over to her. "Hell of a way to wake up," she says, smiling wryly. "How much time do I have before I have to go?" Professor Pudwhapper looks at his watch and starts to tell her, but before he can even get out one word, Syd whacks him with a lamp and starts strangling him with the cord. "I don't know who the hell you are," she spits, "but you are not Vaughn, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"
Hee. Hee hee hee. I missed this.
"Tell me who the hell you're working for -- is it Sloane?!" she continues, slamming him up against a wall. "Tell me it's Sloane!" Just then, a Chinese agent tries to enter the room. Syd's on it, kicking a chair all Elektra-like into his face. She kicks the door closed on his head, then slams a rising Vaughn to the floor with another well-placed kick. Then she's running down a hall and out into an alley.
Two other Chinese agents trap her in the alley, guns pointed at her head. She wisely starts to lower to her knees, but the second they move in, more Syd-o-licious ass kicking ensues. It's an awesome little fight, but the second she brings them down, we hear a "thhhhwwwt" and Syd reaches up to her neck in surprise. She's been tagged with a dart. She turns; Vaughn's the shooter. She starts to feel the effect of the tranq and thinks he's about to kill her. But he just catches her as she falls and holds her close.
Aw. And I really mean that, too. No, really. REALLY.
The camera pulls up and away, and we're treated to a series of bizarre sounds including a bunch of different sirens and some foreign voices. At the same time, the visual is all bunged up and loopy, suggesting not only Syd's current drugged state but…perhaps…a flashback to the lost two years? Hmm. Ponder that among yourselves while I go visit the Ketel Keg.
We're in a hospital room. Syd wakes suddenly. An alarm is going off. Dixon races in and turns it off. Right. Because he's a DOCTOR now. Whatever. Dix informs her that she's safe and that she's home. He goes on to tell her that it was indeed Vaughn who came for her in Hong Kong, and that what he told her was the truth. You get that? THE TRUTH. Know what that means? He's really married. Now get over it and let's move on.
Syd has a billion and two questions. To start with, what happened to her, where's her father, or her mom, is Will alive, how did he survive, where is he, is Francie dead, did they find her body, what's the molecular structure of Skittles®, why does Christina Aguilera insist on dying her hair black, is Demi just using Ashton to get back some street cred, and what the hell happened to the bone structure of her face anyway, et cetera. Dixon's all, dude. Chill. I know you got questions and shit, but DAMN. Syd's all, um, dude? I LOST TWO YEARS OF MY LIFE, OKAY? And, um, I have a scar on my stomach I have never seen before, so, like, could you have someone look into that? Dix is all, I will NOT talk to you until you CHILL. Syd's all, oh, yeah? WELL, GET ME KENDALL, GODDAMMIT! I WANT SOME ANSWERS!
And that's when Dixon goes, "Kendall is not the director of our division anymore." That shuts her up. "I am," Dix says calmly. "Almost six months now." What? Wait. No more Kendall? No more smarmy baldness? Um. I think I can't watch this show anymore. Kendall was the only reason I watched in the first place. Hold me.
Syd archly congratulates him. The door opens and Agent Sean enters, looking delightfully charming and, well, way too cheery for this scene. Syd and Agent Sean engage in a bit of small talk that so totally doesn't belong here, but I dig Greg Grunberg, so I'll allow it. He's basically just there to pull Director Dix out into the hall for a little CIA update. "Sorry to be all cryptic --" Agent Sean starts to say. "It's okay. I get it," says Syd, cutting him off. Dix and Agent Sean exit to the hallway, where they proceed to have a private conversation RIGHT IN FRONT OF SYD'S DOOR. I'm not joking. They're not supposed to tell her anything, right? And yet they feel that it's totally acceptable to stand in front of her GLASS DOOR and discuss their secrets. What, they can't, like, GO AROUND THE CORNER? The woman's trained in espionage, dipshits! You think she can't figure out what you're saying? Especially when you're FACING HER DOOR? I'm sorry. I forgot how unbelievable this show can be. I think I need more alcohol. Or drugs. Ethan, honey? Bring me the hookah.
Pretty much, Agent Sean just tells Director Dix that their operative Kingsley has the decoy and is aboard a train to Avignon. He also says that The Covenant may be on their way to intercept Kingsley and get the chip. Yeah. We spent two seasons dealing with the Alliance and K-Directorate and SD-6 and The Man -- why shouldn't we have yet ANOTHER shadowy agency to deal with? Bring it on. But make sure you bring on the tabs of acid first, okay? Agent Sean finishes up by saying that they have some new intel on a location in Paris that could possibly be an outpost of The Covenant. Dix tells Sean to get the SNCF to stop the train at the station and get a team in place to raid the possible outpost. Didya get all that, Syd? Because they weren't playing to the cheap seats here or anything.
Dix reenters her room, and Syd demands to see her father. When Dixon hesitates, she asks, "What is the big deal?" "Your father's in prison," he says. "National Security Council has had him in solitary for almost a year. Their policy, without exception, is that he is to have no visitors." Well, that doesn't seem very nice, now, does it? At least he's in solitary confinement and doesn't have to worry about that whole "don't drop the soap" scenario.
Then we're in Lyon, France, as a train is speeding by a lovely CGI backdrop of some French countryside. We cut to inside the train, where a lithe young blonde is pulling something off the luggage rack. For a second, I thought it was Syd, but then we get a shot of the girl and she can't hold a candle to our little Spy Barbie. She's listening to some tunes on her headphones while sitting across from this Kingsley dude, who has the decoy chip or whatever hidden somewhere on his bod. Kingsley's ogling her, and she responds by showing him her CD case. Um. What? Okay. According to the boards, the CD belongs to Venus Hum. Nice taste in music, sister. I guess. I still don't understand why you showed some total stranger your CD, but, you know, whatever.
Just then, the doors at the end of the car open up and a couple of really large dudes enter, brandishing guns. They don't even hesitate in shooting up every single person in the car. Kingsley grabs his gun. He loads and shoots, running out of the car and into the one. As he walks through the car, he sees that everyone in this car is dead as well. Before he can make it to the exit, a couple more Big Bad Gun Guys enter at the opposite end. And just for good measure, a couple of reserve Big Bad Gun Guys enter from the car Kingsley just exited. He is, in a word, trapped. And you should read that as "trap-ed," just because that's how I thought it when I watched this scene. "The Kingsley. He doth be trap-ed." Because I enjoy turning Sunday night froth into Shakespearean frivolity.
Then a Big Bad Gun Guy, who is obviously the Main Big Bad Gun Guy, shoots Kingsley in the knee, and he falls into a seat. MBBGG bends over Kingsley, brandishing a big-ass knife, and says in a really bad Russian accent, "You know what I want. Give it to me. And I'll make your death painless." Kingsley doesn't respond, so MBBGG knifes him in the gut. And we hear the blood spill. Nice work, Foley dudes.
Kingsley groans and finally gives up that whatever they're looking for is in his left shoe. One of the Russian goons finds what looks like a digital camera memory card in Kingsley's shoe, and inserts it into a little PDA. No good. MBBGG is NOT pleased. So he stabs Kingsley again, ending his brief appearance on Alias and proudly earning him his SAG card. The Russian goons go through Kingsley's pockets and come up with a bunch of crap. MBBGG goes through it all and comes up with a subway token, which conveniently comes apart to reveal the chip he was looking for all along. When plugged into the PDA, it reveals some schematics for a plane or something. Yeah. More drugs. Immediately. And make 'em strong.
Hell-Lay. Syd's in bed, sleeping. Agent Sean's by her bedside, sleeping. Syd's having a nightmare. She wakes. Sean asks if she's okay. Syd stutters, "Oh my god. I think I know where I was." The scene slams to black, and we break into the Alias theme song. This can only mean one thing. It's time to do our little Alias dance.
Oh, please. Like YOU don't do your little Alias dance when the music comes on. Hell, I did my little Alias dance when I got the Season One DVDs. My little Alias dance consists of a few well-moderated frugs around the living room, some kinky hand flips, and a bit of a booty push. But that's just me. You do your own little Alias dance and keep it to yourself.
Oops Center. God, I missed typing that. Heh. Also? I had to wipe my hard drive for the fourth goddamn time last night, and that means that all my special Word dictionary entries were lost. So, "heh" and "Syd" and "Arvin" and "frugs" and "pudwhapper" are all getting tagged with red underlines. God, how many fucking words did I educate Word's dictionary on last season? I mean, come on! "Buttlick" isn't a WORD?
Aaaanyway…Oops Center. Syd and Sean are walking through the main area, with Syd waxing amnesiac about how everything's different and how there are all these faces she doesn't recognize. You and us both, sister. Like, where's Hot Agent Craig? Or, um, WILL? Or, like, SPY MOMMY? Sorry. I might be frothing at the mouth over here. Just then, Marshall scampers up and practically shouts, "Hello! Sydney! I'm Marshall Flinkman! I work here! Tech design and operation --" Before he can reintroduce himself in all his geekiness, Syd launches forward and hugs him heartily, announcing that of course she remembers him.
Marshall sputters and spits and declares that he wrote a poem about Syd, and he starts to read it. "I've lost my keys. Where are they?" BWAH! God, I missed Marshall. I didn't miss his poetry, but I missed him. Thankfully, Marshall's would-be sweat-upon girlfriend comes up, and Syd greets her with a "Carrie!" and a hug. She steps back and realizes that Carrie's pregnant. "Oh, yeah. Yeah. I am," says Carrie, looking none-too-pleased about it. "I, uh, I wonder who the father is," says Marshall, grinning geekily.
And the funniest scene of this episode occurs.
"What, are you guys married too?" Syd says incredulously. "No! Noooo," says Carrie with an expression of "HELL NO!" on her face. "Not yet," says Marshall. "No, we're not married," insists Carrie. "Well, we just haven't set the date yet --" spits Marshall. "We're not even engaged…we're just having a kid!" says Carrie. "Well, we're talking about getting married --" "NOT REALLY," says Carrie, with this absolutely hilarious expression on her face. Syd kind of looks at Marshall. "She just has an issue with wedlock," says a chagrined Marshall. Well, Marshall, I'd have an issue too with anything referred to as WEDLOCK. Sean tries to usher Syd along to Dixon's office, and Carrie tells her to just ask if she needs anything. "I lost my keys," says Marshall, determined to end the encounter on a poetic note. "Where are they?" No one responds. "That's a metaphor," Marshall explains.
Hee. Hee hee hee hee hee hee. Ow. My kidneys.
Director Dixon's Den of Determinedness. Dix wants to know about Syd's memory. Syd fakes that she remembered being held somewhere in Paris, and that she recalled at least three faces. Kurt Fuller, a frequent star of silly films, including both Wayne's World and Anger Management, and a Hey, It's That Guy! if ever there was one, is obviously standing in for the overly officious and snarky Kendall. He pipes up that Syd said she mentioned hearing voices and names, primarily that of Kingsley. Dix introduces Mr. Fuller as Robert Lindsay, the NSC liaison and resident bureaucratic asshole. He's bald. He's smarmy. He's NOT Kendall. Whatever. He's a poor shadow of Kendall, is all I'm saying. And there's NO way I'm calling him Lindsay. I recently saw Anger Management and his character's name was "Mr. Head," so, seeing as this guy's head makes up about ninety-two percent of his body, "Mr. Head" or "Head" shall henceforth be his name.
Mr. Head says something about the train and how it got all shot up and shit and how Kingsley was on it. Kingsley apparently designed something called a "spy drone" -- a plane that could fly without being detected. He was en route to Avignon to deliver the schematics. Sean pipes up that the drone can be altered to be a delivery system for biochemical weapons. Syd's up to speed. Dix tells her that the group that downed all the people on the train refers to themselves as The Covenant, and that the CIA knows almost nothing about them.
He hands Syd a dossier with some intel identifying one of their outposts. She says she recognizes it. Although, since it's a goddamn overhead map, I find that very hard to believe, unless, of course, she was held there SUSPENDED IN MID-AIR OVER THE BUILDING ITSELF. Jesus. The CIA has a team ready to raid the place, and Mr. Head informs Syd that they're going in, with or without her. But of course, without her, they might be blind, considering that she remembers the place and all.
Dix doesn't want to send her in, because it's too soon after her traumatic two-year nap. Head thinks Dix should shut his trap. Dix thinks Head should look into Rogaine. Head thinks Dix should start wearing a bib and some diapers if he's gonna be such a goddamn BABY about everything. Syd's all, DUDES? I AM ACTUALLY STANDING HERE IN THE ROOM. Compare your penis size on your own time, okay? I'm ready to rock in Paris. But I ain't gonna turn it up a notch until I see my daddy, mmm-kay?
Head's all, oh, yeah, because I'm all about doing you favors right about now. Actually, he says some shit about not doing her father any favors, which, um, really wasn't what she asked, Chrome Dome. But he declares that, since it's not her fault that Jack's her father, he can see no reason why she shouldn't be allowed one visit with him. Damn. What'd Jack do after all? Attack a country on the basis of false intel and then claim he was doing it, you know, just in case they kind of sort of might have had weapons of mass destruction? Because that would be BAD.
Prison of Wayward Daddies and Their Beards of Distraction. Syd's waiting at a table for her father. Jack enters on the opposite side of some Plexiglas and, dudes. The beard. THE BEARD. I can only harken back to Wing Chun's excellent recap of "The Passage, Part Two" by saying that the beard? It stands alone. It is taking over the scene, this beard. It has entered the room far ahead of Victor Garber and it is leaping forth to populate the earth with its beard-ness. It has a submachine gun and possibly a 1938 German tank hidden somewhere in its depths, does this beard. It's a distinct possibility that this beard has its own passport and secret identity and is hatching a dark and disturbing plan to take over the world's barber shops and turn them into tofu distribution warehouses. It is wrong, this beard. And it must be stopped.
Syd approaches the glass, the tears in her eyes threatening to fall. Spy Daddy and Fidel Beardstro approach the glass as well. "Sweetheart," he says. "You look so beautiful." Oh. Oh, no. I'm making fun of The Beard, and Victor Garber's acting his subtle ass off. I should be punished. Julio?! Get the whip. No, not for you! Stop cringing! Mommy's being mean to one of the talented actors and she must suffer. Ow! That hurt! Ow. You didn't hit me yet? Um. Put the whip away, Julio. And just get Mommy a drink that's rather, um, spiky. That'll be pain enough.
Syd tells Jack that she heard he'd been arrested for resisting authority. Turns out he became obsessed with Syd's death and with finding those responsible. At a certain point, he needed help, so he turned to the one person he knew he could trust in that situation. Osama Bin Laden. I mean, hey, they both have the same facial hair, right? RIGHT? Okay, no. He turned to Spy Mommy. Unfortunately, at the time he turned to her, she was number six on the CIA's most wanted list. Oh, I'll say she's most wanted, all right. But not just by the CIA. Wait. I think I might have turned just a little bit lesbian right there. Hmmm…
So, um, right. Mr. Head got all uppity with Jack, threatening him and questioning Jack's allegiance to the country. He wound up making an example of Jack as some sort of NSC power play. So, yes, Mr. Head is now officially a Government Goon. Much like Kendall, but with far less oomph. Spy Daddy brings up Syd's recent Paris flashback. Syd hits a button on her watch, activating the anti-eavesdrop device she got from Marshall. She has ninety seconds to talk to her daddy off the record.
"I don't remember a thing," she says. Jack's all, you WHAT? She's all, I read that bozo Dixon's lips when he was outside my hospital room and I made up the memory in order to get leverage and now they want to send me on a mission -- Jack's all, leverage? What leverage? Leverage for what? "To see you," she says. "They told me I couldn't see you and…I needed to." It's a nice little moment, actually, where Jennifer Garner lets her voice hitch on the "and" and almost choke. She's really conveying that she needed to see her daddy. "Dad, I don't know if I can explain what it's like to wake up and have everything be different," she says, on the verge of tears. "My friends are gone. I have no job. I have no home. Vaughn's married and you're in prison --" Jack steps closer. "Vaughn's what?" "He got married," says Syd, barely hiding her pain. Jack and Saddam Beardsein fly into Super Dad mode. "Michael Vaughn is nothing more than a boy who was never good enough for you anyway. And he had wimpy shoulders. And FAR too many forehead wrinkles. And I bet he was bad in bed. You deserve better, sweetie." Okay. Okay. Um, how much do I love Victor Garber when he's pushing the dad thing? God. "Sydney, listen to me," he continues. "My investigation into your death became even more disturbing than I expected. You must continue my work and find the truth about what happened to you. Do you understand me?" Syd understands. He tells her that the only way she can do this is by regaining her standing at the CIA and getting access to his private files. "Dad, I don't think I can do this without you," she says. "We both know that's not true," he says. "And you don't have a choice, anyway." Well, that's true, Jack. But what does the Beard think? "I'm inclined to agree," says the Beard. "And could someone find me some Aveda Shampure conditioner? The Prell they keep dousing me with is NOT helping the situation here."
Jack declares that Syd has to prove herself to the CIA and get them to trust her again. Syd wants to know what Jack meant by "disturbing." "Sydney," he says, "I knew you were alive. I made a discovery that you --" Just then, Syd's special watch blinks off and their ninety seconds of privacy are done. Jack looks at her. "Sydney, you probably know this already but, I love you." Syd just looks at him. "I love you too," she says. Aw. Awwwww.
And now, during the commercial break, we all rush to the phones to call our fathers. Even if we don't like them. Or their horrific facial hair.
Paris. City of Lights. And CIA operatives with really shiny hair. Seriously. Everyone's dressed in black combat gear, and it really doesn't matter because Syd's hair is so goddamn shiny, you can probably see her from a fucking satellite. And of course she's not wearing a HAT or anything. Lord. Anyway, Agent Sean's in charge of this op, and he briefs the team. Basically, all I noticed about this scene was that some dimwit in the art department spelled "Montmartre" wrong on a sign in the background. Dude. There's a "T" in there. Learn to read, okay? Like, we know this shit doesn't take place on location or anything, but this show is all about suspension of disbelief, and when we see shit like that, our disbelief? She is NOT suspended.
So, right -- the CIA kids go busting into this building in Paris that Syd knows absolutely nothing about. Agent Sean and Dix keep asking her if she remembers anything, but she doesn't. What follows is a very long and drawn-out scene inside the building that involves a bunch of the CIA operatives running around with guns and flashlights. Oh, and we learn that Agent Sean's op name is "Retriever." Hee. At some point, some enemies enter the building and start shooting the shit out of all the agents. Dix tries to order an abort, but Syd and Sean decide to go for it. Sean goes to care for a fallen agent, and MBBGG from the train shows up and knocks him down.
At the same time, Syd gets cornered in a lab of some sort, and some guys come at her with guns. She makes a makeshift bomb out of some handy chemicals and blows the bad guys straight to hell. She kicks some more ass, and comes upon MBBGG just as he's about to slit Sean's throat. They have a moment of recognition before Syd comes to her senses and shoots at him. MBBGG scampers off. After making sure that Sean's okay, Syd runs after the bad guys, but they just peel out around the corner.
Sean comes out and informs Syd that all their team members are dead. Syd's verklempt. She's all, dude. I've never been here before. I made all that shit up so I could go talk to my dad. Sean's all, seriously? IT'S CALLED A PHONE. LOOK INTO IT. I mean, really. You and Vaughn. Masters of OVER-FUCKING-DOING IT. Syd's all, if I hadn't lied about this, none of the team would be dead. Sean's all, yeah, well, if you HADN'T been here, they all would have been dead anyway, me along with them. So shaddup already. Sean says they have to get home, but Syd wisely assumes that if she goes back to Mr. Head with a dead team and no chip, he'll pull her clearance, and she'll never be able to clear her father or get to the bottom of her two-year nap. Sean's all, so? What're you thinking? Syd's all, that guy who was gonna kill you, I saw his face. If I could make a positive ID, that could lead to the chip, and that could lead to leverage. Like Jack, Sean's all, leverage for what? Syd's like, to get my dad out of custody, dipshit! What've we been TALKING about? Instead of just telling her to get over her fucking daddy complex and take a Valium like any normal human being, Sean just looks at her like, "What'd you have in mind?" "I'm gonna need a contact," she says. "A freelancer. Not with the CIA. Someone with resources. All of my names are two years old." "You're not gonna like my suggestion," says Sean. "You should go see Arvin Sloane." Syd's all, the what? In the where? With the who? Sean tells her that Sloane negotiated a pardon after her death and is now a consultant with the CIA. "He runs a world health organization out of Zurich," he says. "OmniFam." Heh. That just sounds wrong. Syd tells Sean that they never had this conversation and that, after the gunfight, she disappeared; he never saw her again. Sean's all, oh shit. Maybe I shouldn't have told you that thing about Sloane. What're you gonna do? Syd just runs off. No, seriously, Syd -- what're you gonna do? Syd? Hello? Bring me back some chocolate, okay? You hear me?
Zurich. Um, Syd apparently has some finances on reserve in a Swiss bank in order to get from Paris to Zurich in seconds flat. Literally. She leaves Agent Sean and the day is in Zurich. Like, did she jump on a speeding bullet or something? Because, last time I checked, the girl was DEAD, and that doesn't really instill a lot of confidence in, you know, BANKS and shit. Suspension of disbelief. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. Okay, so, Syd shows up at Sloane's headquarters and bolts past the rabid receptionist, bursting into Sloane's inner sanctum. He's there, just standing out on the balcony, looking Zen-like and annoying. He turns and looks at her with that same smug, yet peaceful expression on his face. Oh, how I missed Brigadier Batshit.
Commercials. See Kill Bill. I know I'm going to. I'm sorry, one film containing Uma Thurman, Lucy Liu, Daryl Hannah, Vivica A. Fox, Michael Marsden, AND David Carradine? And there's kung fu? And kick-ass tunes? Dude. I'll be sleeping outside the theatre for that one. Or, you know, I'll at least be at a bar across the street a couple hours early.
When we return, one of Uncle Arvin's henchmen makes an appearance, obviously because Syd's a mass murderer or something. Sloane's all, no, go in peace, my son. Then he smiles and greets Sydney warmly, obviously forgetting all those times he tried to have her killed. Oh, and that whole "murdered her fiancé in cold blood" scenario. Syd's not even about to return the warmth here, and she just launches into the reason she's there: The Covenant. She tells Sloane that she made a visual ID of one of the members and that she needs to put a name to a face. As she says this, Sloane casually walks over to a credenza and picks up a folder. Syd's all, you're gonna help me find this guy. Sloane's all, wow, you must be in some pretty dire straits to come to me for help, huh? Then he sort of forcefully shoots the folder across his desk to her. It's a really snappy move, and I only mention it because it SO doesn't seem like the action of a man at peace with the world. It seems more like the old "I Love The Smell Of Blood On The Playground In The Morning" Sloane we've come to know and love.
Syd walks over and picks up the folder. Inside, of course, is a picture and some info on the MBBGG Russian dude that Syd's looking for. "His name is Gorde Volkov," says Sloane. And yeah, that's how you spell the Russian dude's name, okay? My captioning says so. So, anyway, Sloane says that this Volkov dude is a former Russian MVD, whatever that means, and also? He's a high-class hit man. Well, if by "high-class," you mean "ambles onto TGV trains and shoots the shit out of dozens of civilians and then knifes a guy in cold blood without even considering the consequences." Syd's all, oh, how nice. And you just happened to have this little bitty folder lying around on your desk, huh? Sloane's all, um, yeah, that's it, smart-ass. I had it ready for you because I knew you were coming. See, you didn't know this about me, but aside from being a mass-murdering sociopath, I'm also a sideshow clairvoyant. Gimme your hand. I'll read yer palm. "Sydney, I know you've gone rogue, and that your father's in solitary," he says quietly. "And based on my personal experience with you, I'd say that you're working on a way to win him his personal freedom. Am I right?" Syd's all, um, no, actually. I just had a Nerve date with MBBGG and he never called me, so I wanna track him down and start stalking him properly. You got a problem with that?
Oh. No. Ew. The Inappropriate Toucher is back. Sloane stands up, smiling in that way he does, and walks over to Syd. You know, I'm sure when Ron Rifkin does this smile, it is totally charming and sweet, but when he's playing Sloane, it's all sorts of "Stop touching me, Uncle Arvin, or I'll tell Mommy!" Sloane puts his hands on Syd's shoulders (ew!) and pleads with her to remember the bond they had together once. EWWWW! "I loved you like a daughter," he says. "I loved you. And even you would admit there were times -- I would see it in your eyes -- you looked at me like I was your fa--" And that's about all Syd can take. She grabs him, slams him down on the desk, and pushes a letter opener to the back of his neck. You go, girl! You get the big bad Uncle Arvin with the wandering hands! She's all, what the hell did you do to me, you little rat-faced fink! I was missing for two years, and this little escapade has Commander Crackers written all over it. Sloane's all, dude. Do you believe in redemption? Syd's all, uh, no, that is most definitely not a word that occurs to me in regards to you. Sloane's all, we've helped feed over three million children worldwide. The what? With the who? Huh? He goes on to say that their cancer research has the potential to save lives. What, OmniFam? You gotta be kidding me. "So much has changed since you've been gone," he finishes. And just to prove his point, Syd looks up and sees, gasp, Sloane's picture on the cover of CEO Monthly Magazine. Does that publication even exist? That is SO a fake magazine put there for Syd's benefit. Trust me on this.
Apparently, the magazine cover convinces Syd that Sloane's not batshit crazy anymore, nor is he a sadistic son of a bitch. I don't know WHY the magazine cover would convince her of that; I mean, Saddam Hussein's been on dozens of magazine covers and that don't make him a Catholic schoolgirl, right? Oh, whatever. Sloane's about to tell us all about The Telling. Remember that thing? You know, the machine that Sloane gathered all the parts for, killing many, MANY people in the process? Yeah. That one. You'd better hold on tight. This is one serious pile of horseshit coming up.
Sloane's all, remember the Rambaldi device? Yeah, well, I put the thing together and it delivered a message, just as I predicted it would (you sure you don't want me to read your tarot cards?). "But I wasn't prepared for what it said," he explains. "The message was just one word -- one simple word. 'Peace.'" Oh, fucking hell. It was not. The dude runs all over the world, chasing after parts and machines and serums and a bunch of other outrageous crap, and kills tons of people, all in an effort to put a machine together to deliver a message, and all it says is fucking PEACE? Oh, fuck THAT. I am sorry. That machine better have pressed his trousers, cleaned his car, delivered a piping hot cup of cappuccino AND cracked into the Federal Reserve if PEACE was the only goddamn message it was going to deliver. I mean, please. The Dalai Lama's message is peace too, but at least you don't have to KILL people and ASSEMBLE him in order to hear HIS GODDAMN MESSAGE.
In a nutshell? I believe that the Rambaldi machine's message was peace about as much as I believe that Nicky and Paris Hilton have a combined IQ in the double digits.
Sloane blah blahs about how, once he got the message, he went all goopy and rethought his life and considered all the bad shit he'd done. And this made him go to the CIA and give them the information, and that info enabled them to dismantle over two dozen terrorist cells. Well, so, of course the CIA didn't incarcerate HIM for resisting authority or for being an anti-government agent, right? No. They gave him his own company and told him to start saving the world! One. Child. At. A. Time.
Ring ring. "Hello?" "Hi, is this Sally Struthers?" "Yeth." "I'm sorry, am I bothering you?" "Nohh." "Um, what're you doing?" "Eating fourteen Ding-Dongs. How can I help you?" "Oh, you can't, really. I just wanted to let you know that there's an evil dude with a buzz cut over in Zurich trying to take over your job as the Queen of Children's Charities." "The what?! He where?! I'll just -- gawp! GAWP!" "Sally? Sally? Are you okay? Raise your arms above your head! Somebody do the Heimlich! Help!"
Syd's about as gullible as I am, and she declares that she doesn't buy one single word of Sloane's story. She bolts before her pressurized tears can escape their ducts. Then she goes to a pay phone and makes a bunch of phone calls, all in different languages, all to different people. We can only assume she's trying all of her old contacts. She finally reaches one, Bernard, and meets him out at a restaurant.
She tells him that she tried over two dozen contacts, and that he was the only one still active. He's all, esscoooze me for being the looking like the shocking to you, but I wassss believing in the that you were with the dead! Yeah, it's that bad of an impression of broken English. "I was," she says wryly. "But now I'm not." Bernard just chuckles and lights a cigarette. "Zis is why I love zis business." No, Bernard. Zis is why we love Alias. Because people die all the time, only to come back five to ten episodes later.
So, Syd wants info on the Volkov dude. Bernard looks like Syd just shoved wet rabbit up his arse. Back at Oops Center, Head's walking purposefully down the hall as Director Dix intercepts him and demands to know why Head had Syd classified as an enemy of the state. (Great movie, by the way. Nothing like watching Gene Hackman act circles around Will Smith while Will Smith makes Gene Hackman look like the most humorless person since Hitler.) Head's all, your operative ran, dude. That's an enemy of the state in my book. Dix is all, this is why I didn't want to send her out in the first place, you plebian. We should be helping her, not hindering her. Head's all, oh, yeah, whatever. I'm only gonna be around for another episode or so, so I'm going to make the most outta this role. And I believe I asked for the hand job, Russell. Whatever. There's more angry back-and-forth between Head and Dix, but no real resolution occurs, other than Dix demanding they use their resources to locate her, Head sneering, "Oh, we'll locate her," and Dix shouting, "I want her back in this office! Alive! Did you get that last part? I don't just want her back in the office, you know, dead and shit. Alive! Bring her back alive! And bring me back some pretzels from the cafeteria. This director job is giving me a raging jones for salty snack food."
Back with Bernie and Syd, he returns to their table and informs her that Volkov has a meeting scheduled tomorrow night in Prague, and that he's delivering something. Bernie has the address. Syd's all, do you know what he drives? Bernie's all, an armored sedan with a protective detail, of course. He goes on to say that if she wants to stop the car, she'll need backup. She's all, no I don't, thanks. But I will need some new threads and a killer car. Bernie's all, uh, why? Syd's all, because I've barely changed outfits in this episode and I haven't shown off my butt yet, dammit! It's time to bring the wigs out!
And bring the wigs out she does. In some random bathroom somewhere, Syd strips and changes into a bright red dress, complete with matching red flippy wig. Oh, and we get a good glimpse of her scar, which is about three inches to the right of her belly button and measures about three inches in length. I measured with my fingers. Really. Wait. Why are you walking away? Come back!
The shot we see is of Syd performing the Bristow Swagger down some stairs. She gets into a hot red car (which I thought was a Lamborghini but, as a poster pointed out, is actually a Ferrari -- my bad) and peels out. Um. Is she DRIVING to Prague? As she drives off down a watery street, we see a river of sorts in the distance. I guess she's already in Prague. Wow. Enemies of state get to go absolutely EVERYWHERE.
And more commercials. See Lost in Translation. Don't argue. Just see it. I already loved Bill Murray, but this movie made me fall in love with him all over again. And Scarlett Johansson is my new girl crush.
As the Blue Men Group and Venus Hum perform their version of Donna Summer's "I Feel Love," Syd Bristow Swaggers down a wet alley. She stops as a car comes driving toward her. The car stops for no reason, and Volkov leers at Syd from the passenger seat. Syd returns the leer and then whips out a gun and shoots the car, which, of course, explodes. Yeah. Because one bullet usually has that effect on SEDANS. I don't know. Maybe it was a grenade launcher in the form of a gun or something. Or…um…maybe cars are just really easy to blow up in Prague. Whatever. Moving on.
Volkov jumps free of the car, and we assume he's dead. Syd saunters over and searches his pockets for the chip. She easily finds it in his right pocket and starts to handcuff him, but Volkov has a surprise for her. Not unlike Syd, Volkov wasn't so much "dead" as "asleep." They quickly fight, and he just as quickly gains the upper hand and pulls out his ever-present stiletto. He has her in a headlock and is probably about to kill her, but like all sadistic Russian assassins, he must take a moment and LICK HER HAIR. Good god. As "bad guy signifiers" go, that one's about as clichéd as wearing sunglasses indoors at night. Syd sees her chance and takes it, hooking his handcuffed wrist to his belt buckle. With only one hand free, he's easy to nail, and Syd quickly knocks him to the wall, where he's immediately impaled upon his own knife. Once again, Syd is free of the blame of actually KILLING someone. Behold, the power of the wig. As Volkov slides down the wall, Syd walks away and gets into her car, squealing off in a cloud of useless costumes and errant wig hair.
The Blue Man song fires up again as Syd performs yet another rendition of the Bristow Swagger into Oops Center. Man. Those enemies of state have no problem getting past security, and they ALWAYS get the best soundtracks. Syd looks totally kick-ass here, by the way. All black leather and exposed belly. Aw, yeah. Syd blasts into Dixon's office; Head's there with him. Syd holds up the all-important chip and declares that she's gonna destroy it if the NSC doesn't release her father immediately. Head's all, um, dude? I work for the NSC, right? Did you really think you could come in here and threaten me? Syd whips out a pocket blowtorch, lights it, and goes, "Yeah." Hee. "And after this, I'm gonna make you a nice crème brulée."
Head just kind of looks at Syd like she's got a running clip of hamsters on mopeds running across her boobs. Syd's all, I want it in writing that, as of today, my daddy's cleared of all charges, right? Head's all, Mr. Dixon? Talk some sense into her! Dixon just stands behind him, not saying anything, with this hilarious smirk on his face as if to say, "Yeah, uh, dude? Might wanna grab your pen, mmm-kay? Barbie's gone ballistic." Head blusters and blathers and totally tries to call Syd's bluff. Unfortunately, Syd has no bluff to call, and she starts counting down from five, bringing the torch ever closer to the chip. Head finally agrees to sign Spy Daddy's release letter. Dixon hands over the letter, barely hiding his amusement. "B-R-I-S-T--" Syd snarks. "I know how to spell your name," Head snaps. Hee.
The dulcet tones of Rickie Lee Jones singing "On Saturday Afternoons in 1963" greet us at the beginning of this scene as Syd breezes down a hallway. I loves me some Rickie Lee, by the way. Yeah, she does that weird Joe Cocker thing sometimes with her hands and mouth, but she sure does sing purdy. Right. Anyway, Syd's walking down this hall, and she sees Vaughn chatting with Agent Sean in the distance. She's thisclose to turning around and walking away, but realizes that that is something a thirteen-year-old girl (or a really immature thirty-four-year-old woman) would do, and decides against it.
Damn. Does Michael Vartan ever look tasty. Even when he's playing a schmuck, he looks good. Ahem. So, Vaughn's all, I came by to see how you were. Syd's all, are you fucking kidding me? Vaughn's all, um, what's with the 'tude, dude? I just wanted to make sure you -- Syd's all, oh, you SO did not come here to see how I am, you pussy. You came here to see how YOU are, because you know in your heart what you did and you wanna make sure that you're not going straight to hell for giving up on your burnt-to-a-crisp girlfriend! "I buried you," he says, hurt unfurling his many forehead wrinkles. "Consider that for one second --" And here's where Syd totally launches into Vaughn, and I just wanted him to reach out and smack her lightly a couple of times. Really. I'll illustrate. "Don't use rational thought as a defense with me, not after all you and I have seen." Whap. "Vaughn! You and I live and breathe madness every day on the job! There is no rational thought!" Whap whap. "I can't even pretend to have a conversation about anything else with you. What it comes down to is faith." Whap whap. Fizz. (Vaughn's brought out one of those pink feather duster thingies and he's just twirling it in her face.) "What I was hoping you would say is, 'Sydney, I gave up. I gave up on us. I lost faith.'" Whap. Fizz. Whap. Fizzzzzzz. "But what you came here for was closure and there is not one chance you are getting that from me. I'm not going to say I understand." Fizz. Fizz fizz. Fizzzzzz. Thwack. (Agent Sean's chiming in with a nice Chilean sea bass filet.) "I'm not going to sympathize with you and tell you how hard it must be for you." Thwack. Fizz. Thwack. Whap whap. Fizz. Fizzzzzz. Fizzzzzz. And thwack. Thank you everyone! We'll be here all week.
Okay. I have to stop that, because here's the part where, even though I think Syd's WAY out of line and over the top during this scene, Jennifer Garner, in this final moment, does a killer job of conveying the mix of emotions and irrational feelings Syd's experiencing at the moment. "You want to know how I am?" she hisses. "I am horrible. Vaughn, I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you, but…because…if it had been me, I would have waited. I would have found the truth. I wouldn't have given up on you. And now I realize what an absolute WASTE that would have been."
Yeah. Very nice moment. Really. Too bad it follows a complete and total HISSYFIT. See, like, I get that Syd's been hurt and she's dealing with a serious amount of shit right now, but, um, SHE WAS DEAD. Even though Vaughn didn't have an actual corpse like Syd did when she had Danny, he still had lost the woman he loved, okay? CUT. HIM. SOME. SLACK. I'm sure she'll mellow out in the coming episodes, but I still think she could have, you know, backed off a bit before she CASTRATED HIM PUBLICLY.
Of course, since it appears that the only effect Syd's speech had on Vaughn was to make his eyes twitch a bit and his nose wrinkle as if he smelled something rather poo-y, I'd say that she wasn't harsh enough. Seriously. What J. Crew mannequin wandered onto the set and performed this scene in lieu of Michael Vartan, huh? WAKE UP, MICHAEL. Blink blink. Blink blink. Maybe Syd should have grabbed Agent Sean's Chilean Sea Bass filet and whapped him upside the head. Maybe THEN he'd have done more than blink and wrinkle at her. Syd walks off, and Vaughn just ponders everything she said and wonders how fast he can get to Mexico for a quickie divorce.
Back in Oops Center, what looks like a couple of days later, Marshall's showing Syd one of them newfangled computer thangs as Rickie Lee Jones continues warbling over the soundtrack. Syd gets up, turns, and sees her father walking in. And I totally lose it. I mean it. I just start sobbing. I wish I were kidding. Syd sort of run/walks to her dad and throws herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. "Thank you," he rasps as tears roll down her cheeks. He pulls back and touches her face gently. "There's something I need to show you," he says. Uh-oh. That does NOT sound good.
Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Or Something Like It. Whatever -- they're not at Oops Center, that's for sure. Spy Daddy tells her that a year after Syd's apparent death, he was on an op, and one of the men he was tracking was some dude named Lazaray. Spy Daddy shows Syd the picture, and she says she's never seen him before.
Jack fires up a video from a hidden camera that he placed while on the job. The video shows Lazaray greeting a blonde woman with a two-cheek kiss. He passes her, and she turns. It's Sydney. "This is how I knew you were alive," says Jack as Syd gasps. "You don't recall that man at all?" "No," Syd barely whispers. Then, as she watches herself on screen, her video blondeness pulls out a stiletto and slices Lazaray's neck from left to right, in a very similar fashion to one Irina Derevko. Syd in the present gasps loudly, tears springing to her eyes as Jack watches her carefully.
And…scene.
No, really. That's it. Promise.
week: Syd does some shooting. Vaughn says he lurves her. Or, you know, did. Now he lurves Mrs. Vaughn. And Syd gets to meet her. Heh.