Wendy Kroy: Oh my GOD. They are NOT starting right after they ended like that!
Regina: They are.
Rona: But I didn't have time to make more daiquiris!
Regina: Tell me again why I came over here and why you don't have TiVo?
Oops Center. Syd and Vaughn are sitting around in matching dark suits. Syd's all moany and whiny about how she let her mom play her yet again. Vaughn's trying to boost her spirits by telling her to stop second-guessing herself. Nice, Vaughn. time, say it with flowers.
Speaking of saying it with flowers, Marshall's filling in Agent Sean on his post-apocalyptic sushi date with Kerry. Apparently, the date rocked, but when it came to the goodnight kiss, Marshall started sweating like Robert Hays in Airplane! Agent Sean's all, did she notice? Marshall's all, did she NOTICE? I was making my own private lake over here! Agent Sean's all, dude, you need help. Marshall's all, no, really? This scene is hilarious, by the way. But totally irrelevant for recapping purposes.
Luckily, Marshall's computer starts bleating at him, so we quickly move away from a scene that's totally enjoyable to watch, but a pain in the ass to recap. As Agent Sean starts blithering about his near-death experience, Marshall gets this look on his face that's like, "Oh, mother of Mary Magdalene and the motorbike she rode in on." Agent Sean's in mid-sentence as Marshall just abruptly gets up and runs away. Hee. Agent Sean's all, oh. Okay. Thanks. Hee again.
Marshall speeds over to Sydney. He's all, dude, your mommy just sent us something. Syd and Marshall quickly trot over to Kendall, and Syd tells him that the message from her mother contained the DNA string of the person who was doubled. She wants Will's DNA compared to the double's as soon as he's located. Marshall pipes up, "We're verifying the data now, sir, but it looks legit. Legitimate." "Yeah, I know what 'legit' means," Kendall snaps. And yes, the "you fucking dweeb" is implied.
Motel Of Demonic Doubles And Their Bumbling Boyfriends. Will's peeking out the window as Francinator's asking him what else the CIA knows. "Did Sydney tell you what the CIA knows, or Jack?" Will's head jerks away from the window. "I didn't say Jack was involved," he says, eyeing her suspiciously. Francinator comes up with some lame lie about Will mentioning Jack in the car, and because this is Will and not Jason Bourne, he totally believes her and just chalks it up to losing his mind.
Francinator goes into the bathroom, for no reason other than to fill her super-secret spy ring with what we can only assume is poison. Will's out on the bed (hee!), yammering on about how the CIA thinks he's a killer. "Francie, I ended someone's life," he says. "Two people's lives. I'm a killer!" He stops and looks up at the ceiling. "I shouldn't be yelling this." Hee! Will's funny. Francinator comes out of the bathroom and starts kissing Will.
Wendy Kroy: Get off my boyfriend!
Rona: I'm your boyfriend!
Wendy Kroy: You're my REAL boyfriend! Will's my DREAM boyfriend!
Rona: Oh, no more daiquiris for you, girlfriend.
Wendy Kroy: Oh, like I care! I'm drunk on Willage.
Regina: Jesus.
Will kisses Francinator back and says, "You're warm." Which, like, makes no sense to me whatsoever. So, what, usually when he kisses her she's colder than a carp? Huh? Francinator's just about to stick it to Will when the doors burst open and a bunch of law guys with guns burst in. How on earth they found Francinator and Will is beyond me, but that question's never addressed, as most of the questions on this show are handled.
Woo! Shirtless Will alert!
Regina: Don't. Say. Anything.
Wendy Kroy: [squeak]
Will's getting his blood taken somewhere. Hmm. Bradley Cooper has a slightly hairy chest. Why does this surprise me? And why does it not bother me the way most chest hair bothers me? Hm. I'll have to ponder that and get back to you. The camera swirls around and around, giving us various angles of Shirtless Will as he's probed and prodded and poked. Thank you, oh holy cameraman.
The Cell Formerly Known As Den Of Delights. Syd enters the cell, and Will frantically asks her what's going on. Syd tells Will about the DNA strand and how it didn't match his and how there was no Provacillium in his blood. Yes, I know this spelling is different than the other one. The closed captioning spelled it differently this time. Still nothing from Google, though. Not that any of us give a shit.
Will collapses into Syd's arms and says, "Thank god for you." Aw. They're both kind of crying. Will apologizes for saying that she ruined his life, and he trusts her more than he trusts anyone. Syd's all, that's nice, honey, but you're not leaving the cell for a bit. Them's the rules. Lots of questions to be answered. Oh, and we thought we might put you through a little therapy to try to reverse your memory conditioning.
Will's all, oh, okey-dokey. That's just fine with me. Nope. No problem with that. Oh, by the way, was there a name attached to the DNA file? Yup, says Syd. "A.G. Doren." Or, you know, "Francinator" in Greek or something. The name clangs a big cowbell in Will's gray matter, and he looks off into The Corner of Come On, Dude, Get A Fucking CLUE Already.
Hockey Rink Of Plot Filler. Syd and her hockey-pants-wearing boyfriend are fooling around on the ice. No, not THAT kind of fooling around. Although Vaughn does ask her if she wants to go to Santa Barbara for a little non-CIA-sanctioned nookie. He's all, we're going this weekend. Syd's all, oh, yeah, right, as if we can go. There'll be some fucking emergency…as if on cue, a cell phone bleeps. For some bizarre reason, Syd's keeping both their phones in her pocket. Maybe the baggy-ass hockey pants don't have pockets.
It's Vaughn's cell, and he answers it. It's Agent McPlotDevice. Erm, I mean, "Agent Sean." For reasons that remain to be seen, Vaughn has to go into the office. Syd decides to stick around and propel the plot further -- erm, I mean, "practice playing hockey" -- so Vaughn lays a hot, wet one on her and skates off. Syd doesn't get much practice in, however, because her mother shows up about one second later.
Okay, I know I've said it before, and I'm sure I'll say it again, but could Lena Olin BE any hotter? She's wearing these skintight black jeans, a short red top, and a short black leather jacket. She looks all of a hundred pounds, but an incredibly shapely hundred pounds and...just...well...
Wendy Kroy: Are you SURE you're not batting for the pink team? Regina: I'm sure. Rona: But you're thinking about it, aren't you? Regina: For Lena Olin? You bet your sweet rollerblading ASS I'm thinking about it. Wendy Kroy: You know...she's pretty powerful. I think she could even turn me straight for a night. Rona: Wow. Regina: Yeah. Just. Wow. Wendy Kroy: I know.
Syd skates over to her mother, brandishing her hockey stick in a vaguely threatening manner. Irina brings up the deal she struck (or tried to strike) with Syd back in Marseilles. The one about Will's innocence in exchange for a favor. "266 Kroner Strasse," says Irina. "I've just given you the address of Sloane's warehouse, where he's hiding the Rambaldi artifacts." Syd's all, yeah, fine. Got the address. That's not why you're here, is it? Irina's all, as a matter of fact, it is. Sorry. No ulterior motive this time. But don't I look hot in these jeans? Syd's put up with enough for one day, however, and she lunges at Irina with the hockey stick. Irina quickly flattens her on the ice and commands her to stop being stubborn and listen up. Syd does so. She has no choice. She hit her head on the ice and she's seeing stars, along with several flashbacks to the beginning of Irina's reappearance in her life.
We go back to "Trust Me" when Syd meets with her mom. Irina voice-overs that she needed to get Syd to trust her, but she couldn't reveal her whole plan. "Sloane had twenty-three Rambaldi artifacts, the CIA had twenty-four." Back on the ice, Irina says, "In order to assemble the device, they all had to be brought together. Those are the pieces in Sloane's warehouse." Get it? Twenty-three plus twenty-four equals...FORTY-SEVEN! Yay! Syd's all, you stole Rambaldi shit from the government? Irina's all, what, are you surprised? I am a murdering bitch, you know.
We pop back to "Counteragent" and the part where Sark shows Sloane the piece of paper with the naughty drawing on it as Irina voice-overs that she delivered a proposal to Sloane, a proposal that they work together to take down the Alliance and raid the CIA all at once. Then we're at "A Higher Echelon," at the part where Irina uses the computers. She claims that she came up with a plan that forced the CIA to let her use the computers, and she found out where the artifacts were kept.
Aaaaand then we're back on the ice. Irina reveals that the artifacts were being held at an NSA lab in Nevada, and Sloane had the place raided. Syd's all, yeah, right -- I never heard of an NSA raid. Irina's all, well, DUH. But she never really explains WHY Syd never heard of it. We just whip on over to "A Dark Turn" and the part where Syd and Irina put their hands on the cell glass. "When the time came for my escape," says Irina in a voice-over, "it was painful because my love for you...for your father...was not a contrivance." Aw. And MAN, this is a lot of flashbacks.
Finally, we're back for good at the rink. Syd's not buying any of this crap. She's all, so, what? Suddenly you want the CIA to have all the Rambaldi artifacts? With tears in her eyes, Irina says, "Sydney, I know our relationship is complicated but I'm your mother. I have to believe that would be the case under any circumstance. Go to Zurich." They're both crying now. Syd's just tells her mother she's insane. Then Irina slams Syd in the face with a hockey stick. But it's okay, because she apologizes first.
Wendy Kroy: Dayum! That was HARSH.
Regina: Yeah! And WHAT was the purpose of that?
Wendy Kroy: To knock Syd out so that she wouldn't chase after her mother!
Regina: What, and a good shot of something in the ass isn't good enough anymore?
Rona: That's going to leave a mark, you know.
Empty Building Of Demonic Doubles And Their Beautiful British REAL Boyfriends. Hee. Francinator's smoking. And she has all this black eyeshadow on. What, is it written somewhere that, as soon as you become a bad guy, you have to put all this black eyeliner on and smoke? These people have been watching The Long Kiss Goodnight WAY too often.
Rona: One of our favorite movies, by the way.
Regina: Totally.
Wendy Kroy: Guilty pleasure.
Regina: Totally.
Rona: Tell anyone and we'll kill you.
Regina: Totally.
Sark shows up with some Provacillium to the rescue, and Francinator stubs out her cigarette and makes whicky-whicky noises with her leather dress. She wants to know what they're going to do about Will. Sark's like, uh, nothing, for the moment. Francinator's scared, because the CIA totally knows something and whatever it is, it'll eventually lead to her. Sark's all, honey, baby, not necessarily. If you bail now, you'll be a suspect for sure.
Francinator smells a rat. "What is it?" she asks. Sark walks away. "Allison," he begins, his back to her, "we can't reverse the process. [Clone Doc's] lab was destroyed. But we're doing everything we can to retrieve the lost data and I'm hopeful we may find a way to reverse the procedure." Wait. Didn't he just say they CAN'T reverse the process? Huh? What? Frallison's equally perplexed. She's all, you mean I may have to STAY this way? Oh, don't complain, Frallison. Merrin Dungey's pretty.
Sark leaps over to her, saying not to worry, that they'll get her back to her old Allison self. They smooch a bit, and yes, it's pretty hot. But Frallison kind of pulls away toward the end, and Sark takes a moment and looks at her. "You don't...fancy him, do you?" he asks. "Tippin?" Frallison just glares at him. "Don't be stupid," she snits, walking off. Yeah. I think she fancies him just a little. Sark thinks so too. Poor Sark. Let me comfort you...
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Kendall's chewing out Not Necessary NSA Brandon, who's making another unnecessary guest appearance. The subject of the chewing? Why, the Sloane break-in at the NSA storage facility. Kendall's pissed that NNNSA didn't fill Kendall in on the break-in before. Blah blah blah, how many pieces were stolen? Bling blam blooey, I'm not at liberty to say. Clip clap clop, Mom told me twenty-four. Flip flop flotsam, what's our step?
Sorry to be so cavalier about this section, but it's really just a lot of hot air in a small balloon. Seriously. It's a lot of crosstalk and bitching and moaning and "what the hell do we do now" kind of shit. Basically? Syd doesn't trust her mother. Neither does Dix. They spend a good solid two minutes trying to figure out just what Irina's motivation might be, and when they can't figure that out, they decide to hit the warehouse anyway and bring the stuff they find back to a neutral location.
Vaughn pipes up that, even though Sloane may have most of the pieces to assemble the total device, he doesn't have them all. That's right. The Holocaust Heart's still available, and it's at an NSA storage facility. "That is," snarks Kendall, "if the NSA's still GOT it." Hee. NNNSA has had about enough of Kendall's crap, and says as much. Kendall orders Jack to go along with NNNSA and supervise the transfer of the Holocaust Heart from the NSA location to some neutral naval base.
Regina: God, I'm bored.
Wendy Kroy: Me too.
Rona: We're out of daiquiri mix.
Regina: Oh, just pour the rum in the blender with some ice cubes and red food coloring. We'll never know the difference.
Wendy Kroy: I'd drink rum-flavored red food coloring if I thought it would make this scene more interesting.
Regina: You and me both, sister.
Kendall continues barking out orders, including telling Jack to inform Marshall that he's going to Zurich along with the rest of the team. Then he turns to Agent Sean and orders him to tell Will that the CIA's done with him. Over at Marshall's desk, Jack storms up and barks at him that he's going to Zurich. Marshall practically falls out of his chair. But Jack doesn't unnerve him so much that he forgets to invite his girlfriend along to Zurich as well. He's all, uh, you know who should go too? My girlfrie-- I mean, "Kerry" -- I mean, "Agent Bowman." She's a Rambaldi expert! Really. She's not just smokin'! "She'd really be helpful, in the field," stutters Marshall. "In the field?" says Jack, managing to make it sound like he's saying, "In the ass," or "In the whorehouse," or something equally sordid and unseemly. Hee.
Jack totally gives this one to Marshall, though, and tells Kerry that she's going to Zurich with the rest of the senior class. Then he turns back to Marshall and gives him this look that says, "Okay, now, buster. If you come back from Zurich and you're still a virgin, I am NEVER floating you a girlfriend-as-field-agent traveling partner again." Marshall just beams at Jack's retreating back. Kerry looks at him all, what the? Oh, and the closed captioning says her name is spelled "Carrie," but the ABC site spells it "Kerry" and she'll probably be gone season, so I don't really care.
The Cell Formerly Known As Den Of Delights. Agent Sean enters and tells Will, who's hunched over a bunch of papers, that he's all wrapped up at the CIA and he, Sean, is supposed to take Will to where he'll be staying. Will, vaguely distracted, asks if there's a computer he can use. Um, yeah, Will. You used to WORK here, remember? How about you use your OWN computer, now that you've been exonerated, huh? What-fucking-ever.
Will wants to check out the A.G. Doren name. He introduces himself to Agent Sean, who for some reason introduces himself as "Eric Weiss." Who the hell is Eric Weiss? Well, apparently, he's a direct descendant of Harry Houdini, whose real name was also Eric Weiss (actually, Ehrich Weiss). Wow. Agent Sean's a WEALTH of information. As he and Will walk away from the cell, Will goes, "Can you do magic tricks?" Hee. This whole scene is a perfect example of something that's totally unnecessary but TOTALLY hilarious and character-building. Like, in two seconds, you completely GET both Agent Sean and Will. It's a thing of beauty.
Then we're at a desk somewhere, and Agent Sean is trying to impress Will with his disappearing coin trick. Will's far too interested in the whole A.G. Doren thing to really appreciate it. Will asks if he can access his tradeworks file, or something, from that computer. Agent Sean's all, yeah, sure -- what's your password? Wait. Why can't Will enter it himself? What, are his fingers broken? He's not a suspect anymore, and now he can't type? The fuck?
Will hesitates before spilling his plot device -- erm, I mean, "password" -- which turns out to be "Sydney." Oh, so if Will could actually type at this moment, then we wouldn't know that he's still in lurve with Sydney, right? Right. Got it. Agent Sean continues mumbling about being a magician or something. Suddenly, Will sees something on the screen that makes him go, "Oh my god." Agent Sean's all, what up, dog? Will's all, I'm looking at the Project Christmas list, dude, and whose name should I see but one Allison Georgia Doren. "Allison Doren was supposed to have died in a car accident," says Will. Hmmm. The plot, she doth thicken.
NSA Headquarters. There's really no funny to go along with that. You try it. Jack and NNNSA pick up the Holocaust Heart. Down in the garage, as Jack phones Kendall and tells him they have the heart, a bunch of Ford SUVs line up, and Jack and the rest of the dudes get in and drive off.
At the same time, Syd and Dix and Vaughn and Marshall and Kerry and Jean-Claude Van Damme and the Pope and thirteen kids from the local playground and about nine hundred more CIA dudes than are even necessary stampede Sloane's warehouse in Zurich. They make it inside with very little fanfare and start opening crates. What? What is it? An ancient digital watch? A magic lamp that can predict the future? An alarm clock that makes whooshing noises like rain that help you sleep at night? No, no, and, sadly, no.
It's an antique waffle iron.
Another crate is opened; contained within is a circa-1983 boom box. Heh. Syd gets on the horn and informs Kendall that it's a set-up. Kendall barks at someone to get Jack on the line. Back with Jack, a couple of black vans screech up and cut off Jack's ride. Guys in masks get out and shoot the shit out of the NSA dudes, including NNNSA Brandon. Jack moves to do some shooting of his own, but instead of putting a bullet in his skull, the dudes order Jack to drop the weapon or he's dead.
After a hideous commercial for that stupid Rose Red sequel, we're back in The Conference Room of Endless Expositions, where Kendall's bitching about how Irina's fucked them over yet again. He basically sums up the entire situation for those of us who were out blending daiquiris and missed the last ten minutes of the show. CIA? The proud owners of a bunch of antique toaster ovens. Irina? Pretty much to blame. Jack? Nowhere to be found.
Syd's all, what's our move? Kendall lamely states that they're supposed to go over all the intel in their possession, and anything even halfway concrete should be moved on ASAP. Syd leaves, and everyone remaining in the room exchanges a bunch of sad/guilty/empathetic looks.
Then we shoot over to Jack, who's been strapped down to a tilted gurney for some reason. Just what that reason is becomes immediately clear when Sloane enters the room and starts gibbering on about Rambaldi. He had to strap Jack to the chair because, otherwise, how could he get Jack to listen to such a BORING PILE OF SHIT?
I'm kidding. It's actually interesting. I'm just REALLY tired of recapping. Four whole weeks of nothing, and J.J. has to fucking hit me with TWO eps in a row? What is he, a maniac? Aaaaanyway, Sloane's waxing Rambaldic about some machine that the ancient inventor created. "He called it 'il dire,'" says Sloane. "'The Telling.' The construction consists of forty-seven pieces. Classic Rambaldi. As you know, it took me a long time -- longer than I thought -- but I've acquired them all, including the [Holocaust Heart] with your help. They're in the room, Jack. I have a team assembling 'il dire' right now. They said it shouldn't be more than a day."
Rona: Oh, that is SO not good.
Regina: What, Sloane making some devastating machine or Sloane not shutting up about making some devastating machine?
Rona: Both.
Wendy Kroy: Either.
Regina: Well, I'm ready to take the assembled Rambaldi machine and shove it into Sloane's yammering trap right about now.
Wendy Kroy: And I'm ready to retire that goddamn white suit of his to a remote corner of the planet because, seriously? White linen only works on Mel Gibson in The Year of Living Dangerously.
Rona: Mmmm...Mel Gibson.
Regina: Mmmm...
Wendy Kroy: Mmmm...
Jack's all, and then what? Sloane doesn't really answer his question. It seems he prefers to go all mystical on Jack's ass and talk about seeing things and seeing what's possible and coming changes and TELL US WHAT IT DOES ALREADY. Jack sweats something about how he used to feel sorry for Sloane, because he seemed to need to fill a void in his life with all this Rambaldi crap. Sloane, with his new Bargain Basement Buddha philosophical outlook, just sighs, "I didn't expect you to understand."
Then Jack's like, okay, then, fine. Why keep me alive? Sloane gets really close to Jack's face, setting Ho!Yay! radars off all over the world, and says, "Because we're friends, Jack." Then, he leans forward and kisses Jack square on the mouth. With tongue. And little mewing noises. Oh, okay, he doesn't. But he so looks like he's going to!
Oops Center. The camera swirls around the room, giving us glimpses of Vaughn speaking French (mmm!) and Agent Sean speaking German (hee!) and Marshall playing Zelda on his Game Boy (no, not really). Marshall approaches Kerry for some useless banter regarding NNNSA Brandon and how she won't miss him because he was a prick. Then she gives Marshall a kiss on the cheek and tells him he's sweet.
Elsewhere in the Oops Center, Will's gone from being unable to enter his own password to being authorized to call the parents of the thought-to-be-dead Allison Doren. He has a picture up on his screen of Allison as a child, and she's just your average-looking African-American little girl. Like, she doesn't have horns or anything. Will discovered from the parents that the body was so badly burned, it was never properly identified.
At the same time, at Syd's desk, her phone rings. It's Irina. She claims that she didn't know Sloane was going to switch the crates, and that he must have known somehow that Irina would double-cross him. It's important to note that Irina strongly emphasizes that SOMEHOW Sloane knew. I mean, it's not all that important now, but when season starts and Sloane's invented some sort of bizarro time machine out of a heart and a couple dozen dusty artifacts, it might gain a measure of gravity, you know?
Irina goes on to say that she doesn't know where Sloane is, but she's damn sure Sark does. Why? And why would he know and not her? Oh, who gives a shit. Irina tells Syd that the CIA had better get their hands on Sark and fast. She then gives Syd the name of a club in Stockholm where Sark will definitely be, tomorrow night at 10 PM. Syd's all, yeah, um, I think I've fallen for this act about ten too many times, okay? How fucking stupid and gullible do you think I am?
Irina's all, well, ultimately, you'll do whatever you want. "That's what free will's all about," she says, hanging up the phone. Back at Oops Center, Vaughn walks up and flings himself into a chair to Syd, complaining that he has nothing -- what about her? Syd just stares at her phone, then turns to Vaughn. "We're going to Sweden." Heh.
Sweden. Where Lena Olin's From. Really, people. I got nothing on the titles. Nothing. We're following along behind Syd and Vaughn as they stalk into the Stockholm club. Damn. They both walk weird. Really. I think it has a lot to do with what they're wearing, but they both look like they're on stilts or something. Once again, Syd's sporting a wig and a much cooler outfit than Vaughn. Why is SHE disguised when Vaughn isn't? Sark knows what BOTH of them look like, doesn't he? Just once, I'd like to see Vaughn in a huge 'fro or something, sporting a purple leisure suit and, like, white rattlesnake boots.
"Everyone's blonde in here," says Vaughn, after he and Syd have been seated for a while. "I keep thinking I see him." "Sark's not here," says Syd, sipping on her bright red cocktail. "As expected." Syd then wants to know about how they go on vacation when all this is over. Um, Syd? Your dad might be dead, okay? Fuck your vacation. Hello? Inappropriate, anyone? They continue blathering about the vacation, and really, I think it's sweet and all, but JACK'S AT THE MERCY OF A BARGAIN BASEMENT BUDDHIST. Let's try to put shit in perspective, okay?
Suddenly, Vaughn spies Sark, dressed down in a luscious pair of jeans and a shirt. Syd and Vaughn move over, and whip out their guns, right in public. Vaughn slams Sark's head onto the table and says, "See? When I have a gun to your head, I don't just pull the trigger." Hee. "Thank you," snits Sark. Hee again! Vaughn slams Sark's head back down on the table. "You're welcome," he says. Tee hee! It's all sorts of funny over here.
Syd demands to know where her father is. Sark quickly gives up that Sloane and Jack are in Mexico City. Wow. That was...awfully wussy of him. Also, Mexico City? Would that be the same Mexico City where a bunch of innocent parishioners were burned to an unholy crisp inside a church? Hmmm...the plot, she doth have the consistency of blancmange.
Back with Jack, he's just crapped out on the table or whatever, listening as some machinery grinds outside his door. The lights dim and the walls quiver and there's clanging and rattling and holy Jesus, what's going on here? The last thing we see before we go to commercial is the lights going out on Jack's face. Make of that what you will. Because it could make what happens in the rest of the episode make more sense when we return to this story season.
Wendy Kroy: Um.
Regina: I know.
Rona: What just happened?
Regina: Either Sloane just completed The Telling, or he just USED The Telling. Neither's particularly good.
Wendy Kroy: Does this mean that Spy Daddy's, like, dreaming the rest of the episode now?
Regina: I have no idea.
Rona: Or, like, did we just jump two years in the future or something?
Regina: I don't fucking know. Pass the rum.
Ciudad de México. Or, as its known on tonight's episode, "J.J. Abrams's Homage To The Office Building Scene In The Matrix." I'm really not kidding here. There's a long shot of the interior of a glass-clad office building lobby, complete with revolving doors, and lo and behold, here come Syd and Vaughn, doing their damnedest to impersonate Trinity and Neo. Only problem? Yeah, not NEARLY as cool. Sorry, but it's true. But, you know, it is pretty hard to look as cool as Trinity and Neo. So, I'll cut them some slack. And Michael Vartan knows how to wear a white oxford with the collar open, let me tell you.
Once inside the building, Syd and Vaughn make it down to some lower level and start running. Syd gets on the horn to Kendall and fills him in on their location. Kendall, standing outside The Cell Formerly Known As The Den of Delights, copies Syd and looks to Sark, standing calmly behind the glass. "They're in the basement," snaps Kendall. "Now what?"
Sark -- who, like Will, can make even the dullest prison garb sexier than hell -- just lazily tells Kendall that the alarm system for Satan Sloane's Secret Salon of Sadism is located twenty yards down the north wall. It's a gray box with yellow stripes, and the deactivation code is "1-1-5-6-6." Kendall writes down the code and then gets all threatening with Sark, saying that if he's bullshitting, Kendall will have him sent to Camp Harris (which, I'm beginning to think, is actually a code name for "dank cage at the bottom of a sewer with nothing but rats and roaches to eat for ETERNITY," because everyone keeps using it as some sort of heinous threat or something) and will not leave until Sark is dead and buried. Sark just blinks at him in a lizardly fashion and goes, "Well, then, I certainly hope Mr. Sloane hasn't changed the code." Hee.
Kendall fills Syd in on the intel; she and Vaughn find the box, and Vaughn enters the code, disables the alarm, and notifies the rest of the boys with guns to enter the building. Everyone gathers together on Sloane's floor and makes time toward the Salon of Sadism. At the same time, Satan Sloane leans in close to Jack and informs him that the machine has been assembled. What it actually IS, we won't find out until fucking season.
Out in a stairwell, some of Sloane's goons start taking shots at the boys with guns. Back in the Salon, one of the remaining Sloane goons enters and announces that the jig, she is up, and a tactical team's making its way up the stairs. Sloane orders him to pack everything and go. Wow. For a powerful and mysterious and possibly mind-altering machine, it's pretty damn easy to shove into a Le Sportsac. Before following his goonie out the door, Sloane turns back to Jack and states that they'll see each other again. And time, they'll both be naked. I'm sorry, but the Ho!Yay! was running RAMPANT in their scenes together. RAMPANT.
The CIA team runs through the floor, looking all cool and shit. Dixon busts open a door and comes upon Jack, then gets on his headset and tells someone to tell Sydney that he's found her father. Um, why not tell her yourself, Dixon? I mean, isn't she wearing a headset as well? Or is she just letting Vaughn wear the headset so she doesn't have to mess up her hair? Whatever. Twenty more minutes 'til it's over...twenty more minutes til it's over...
Elsewhere on the floor, Sloane and his goonies are getting away, having already loaded the machine and equipment onto some imaginary truck somewhere. Syd and Vaughn open a door and wind up in the very same hallway as Sloane, right behind him. The goonies open fire. Syd and Vaughn open fire. Everybody everywhere opens fire. One of the goonies orders Sloane to get the hell outta there, and he obeys, running off in this shuffling baggy-panted gait that is truly amusing. Like, Ron Rifkin? Fantastic actor. Phenomenal athlete? Not so much. Heh.
Wendy Kroy: Hee. He runs like Gomer.
Rona: He runs like Gomer on acid.
Regina: Hey, I think he IS Gomer on acid!
So, Sloane is getting away as the lovers and the goonies keep taking potshots at each other. Suddenly, Irina appears, and drops all the goonies with some double-fisted gun-toting action. Sydney looks at her mother in surprise. "Go after Sloane!" Irina shouts, looking all kinds of wrong in her custom-made fatigues and black t-shirt. Sydney, never one to obey her mother -- or anyone else, for that matter, who might actually BE MAKING SENSE -- just turns to Vaughn and yells at him to go after Sloane. Then she turns to Irina. Irina, seeing that her daughter once again is totally ignoring her orders and coming after HER instead of Sloane, spins around and runs off.
Syd chases her mother up onto the roof of the building and comes upon her, crouched on the ledge. Syd's all, move and I'll shoot you! I've shot you before and I'll do it again! Which shot would that be, Syd? The one where you had the chance to shoot your mommy in the head and instead just clipped her in the arm? Yeah. Because THAT was effective. Well, you got a clear shot now, honey. Ten bucks says you don't fucking take it.
Irina stands up as Syd informs the team that she has Derevko. Um, no you don't. Derevko's on the edge. You shoot her, she drops. You don't shoot her, she drops. Or don't you think she has some serious bungee cords wrapped around her waist? Syd's all, get off the ledge! Irina's all, yeah, because that's threatening. Shut up. I'll tell you what you need to know. Satan Sloane thinks he's been chosen to realize the word of Rambaldi. Oh, and that he's supposed to open up a Jamba Juice on the corner of Lincoln and Wilson. Mmmm. Jamba Juice...
"But you too have been chosen," gasps Irina. Syd's all, I'm not bluffing! I'll shoot you! Irina's like, yeah. Uh-huh. Dude. I'm on the EDGE of a building. Even if I WEREN'T prepared with bungee cords, you'd be pretty damn stupid to shoot someone who appears to be suicidal. Dummy. "It's you in the prophecy, Sydney," she says. "Not me. Only you can stop him." She smiles really sweetly at her daughter. "Good luck, sweetheart." "Get down. Now," says Syd, trying to sound tough, but letting a new set of weepy tears sort of undercut her macho-ness. "I love you," says her mother, falling backwards off the roof...
Irina freefalls down the side of the building, her concealed bungee cord now visible, and she starts shooting the shit out of the windows, with a blatant disregard for any human beings who might be inside. Syd comes to the edge of the roof, looks down, and goes, "She jumped!" Heh. Irina's bungee cord retracts, pulling her back up, and she pulls some sort of crossbow out and shoots some steel arrow into the interior wall of one of the offices. Irina grabs onto the attached cord and slams into the exterior glass. Seriously. It's, like, the best scene ever. It's also relatively similar to that scene in The Matrix where Neo saves Trinity by grabbing onto that strappy thing and she slams into the office building glass. I think J.J. has spent even more time than I have watching The Matrix on DVD.
Wendy Kroy: Dude. You're obsessed with The Matrix.
Regina: I know.
Wendy Kroy: You need help.
Regina: I know.
Syd, watching her mother escape in a truly awesome fashion, gets on the horn and orders any available agents to street level. Agent Sean, who's currently helping Dix get Jack back in working order, responds that he'll head down to street level. As he's making his way, Syd watches Irina climb into a window below. She's hilariously frantic at this point; she gets on the headset and goes, "She just climbed into a floor in the middle of the building!" When Agent Sean wants to know which one, Syd literally loses her shit and shrieks, "I HAVE NO IDEA! Eighteenth! Nineteenth! Four hundredth and twenty-second! I CAN'T TELL FROM HERE!" Hee.
Oops Center. Two hours later. Marshall and Kendall are hanging out, comparing notes on how NOT to impress women, when one of the Mexico City dudes gets on the headset and informs Kendall that they found an elevator shaft pried open on the nineteenth floor, and they think Derevko's escaped. Kendall rips off his headset and chucks it at the desk. Marshall scrambles to pick it up. "Sir, you're not supposed to throw these like that...you'll break 'em..." Hee. It's like he made it or something, like it's his dolly. Snerk.
Demonic Double's Dwelling. Will's enjoying his non-clone status by chilling out on the sofa, poring over all his Project Christmas research. Frallison enters and asks if there's any news. Nope, says Will. I’m just trying to figure it all out. Frallison hands over a tub of ice cream, claiming she got Will's favorite. It's probably laced with cyanide, but Will thanks her anyway. Will's all, you're the best. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run off to the bathroom so I can rifle through the cabinets and your personal belongs in search of a plot device -- erm, I mean, "aspirin."
As soon as he's gone, Frallison starts looking through his papers. In the bathroom, Will's having difficulty locating the aspirin. Back in the living room, Frallison's having NO difficulty locating her old Project Christmas profile. Back in the bathroom, Will decides that if he were an aspirin, he'd most definitely be in his girlfriend's dop kit, and he'd certainly be contained in a regular orange prescription bottle instead of, you know, A BAYER CONTAINER.
Of course, Will reads the label, as any good boyfriend should when he's snooping through his girlfriend's personal effects, and of course, it doesn't say "Tylenol with codeine" or "penicillin" or anything like that. No, it says, quite clearly, Provacillium. Right there. On the outside of the bottle. Looks like Syd might have a little competition for the Worst Spy Ever title. Like, Frallison can set up multiple bugs in several different locations and organize a mini-coup in less than a day, but she can't, like, remember to make FAKE FUCKING LABELS or put her gene therapy meds into a fucking ASPIRIN BOTTLE? Will quickly figures out that Frallison is the clone, just as Frallison's out in the living room figuring out that Will's probably figured out that she's the clone. Say it with me. Frallison? The clone. Will? Knows she's the clone.
After the break, we catch up with Will, leaving a frantic "Francie's the clone" message on Syd's voicemail. He hears a thud out in the hallway, but instead of grabbing the top of the toilet or some Neutrogena skin toner to use as a weapon, Will dumbly peeks out into the hall and goes, "Fran?" Dude. That's just like all those dumb-ass people in movies who hear noises downstairs in the middle of the night, and then go CHECK IT OUT, and then are all surprised when they wind up, like, with pitchforks in their backs. Seriously. I live in an apartment. I lock my bedroom door at night. I hear a noise? I grab the nearest sharp object and just wait 'til the noise decides to knock on my door or bust it down or something. I am NOT unlocking the door, peeking out, and going, "Rapist? Burglar? Crack addict? Helloooo? Anyone here?" I may be crazy, but I'm not STUPID.
But apparently, Will kind of is. He looks out, sees the front door cracked open, and approaches it. There's no sign of Frallison until he passes the kitchen and there she is, pressed up against the wall, evil eyes flashing. She lunges at him, wrapping one of those handy piano-wire strangling cords around his neck. Will elbows her a good one and they part, gasping. By the way, at this point, with the way Will nailed her, I got the bizarre feeling that Will was an unknowing Project Christmas kid himself. With the whole shotgun-handling expertise from before and now the easy way he got out of the stranglehold, I'm really thinking he's a sleeper agent. Really.
Will grabs a nearby butcher knife and brandishes it at Frallison as she glowers at him from the fridge. "Was it always you?" he gasps. "Allison?" "It sucks it turned out this way," she evils at him. "That's it," says Will, having had quite enough of her shit. "Get on the ground. GET ON THE GROUND!" Mmm...commanding Will. Mmmm...Frallison's not really the obedient type, however, so she flies at him and they fight over the knife until suddenly she stabs him somewhere in the lower right side of his abdomen. I think. That's what it looked like, at least.
Inexplicably, Frallison starts to cry and kisses Will as he gasps and breathes and slips down the wall. I don't really know what it means that Frallison's crying. Stress? Fear? Adrenaline? A heretofore unrecognized deep and meaningful sympathy and caring for Will? Take your pick. She sobs. Big, wracking sobs. Man, she better pull it together. She's got a body to get rid of, blood to clean up, and some Project Christmas papers to burn, all before Sydney gets home, which...
...is right about now. Vaughn pulls up outside Syd's place and turns off the engine. They remove their seatbelts, ready for a little "this episode's almost over, so we better do some kissing, like, NOW" action. Syd states that Sloane has the device and starts to whinge about her mother, but Vaughn stops her with the statement, "Another day." Oh, and his lips. His lips stop her too. Then he tells her that he went ahead and booked the hotel. Three nights. Starting tonight. Well, starting tonight, that is, if Syd doesn't engage in some bloody ass-kicking and then up and disappear for two fucking years.
Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Syd's ecstatic that Vaughn booked the hotel. They grin and google at each other and kiss a little more. Vaughn tells her that after he finishes up the debrief, he'll come and pick her up. He drives off, and Syd enters the house. Frallison's done a good clean-up job, because Will's nowhere to be found and she's calmly sitting in the living room, reading. They exchange their "how YOU doin's" and Syd grabs some ice cream out of the freezer. She takes a seat opposite Frallison, shoves a spoonful of ice cream in her mouth, and decides to take this moment to check her voicemail.
Can you say, "D'oh!"
Frallison just watches her. Syd has a message from Kendall, which she ignores. When she asks Frallison where Will is, Frallison just says that he had something to do. And that's when Syd hears Will's message. Syd does a stellar job of covering. Well, if by "stellar," you mean "almost spits out her ice cream and stares at Frallison suspiciously." Okay, so it's not that bad. Luckily, Frallison's not looking at her anyway. Syd hangs up the phone and sets it aside. Then there's this moment of silence where you can see Syd trying to figure out what in the FUCK to do. As she scrapes around the container with her spoon, you totally see the moment when she comes up with a plan.
She fills a spoon with ice cream and offers Frallison a taste. Instead of going, "Ew! No! I'm not eating off YOUR spoon! And use a fucking BOWL while you're at it!" she just goes, "Sure." and lets Syd feed her. They kind of smile at each other. Frallison returns to her book as Syd watches her. Nothing happens. Finally Syd gets up to go change clothes. As soon as she leaves, Frallison, who's been rolling the ice cream around on her tongue, suddenly gets this look of, "Oh, shit. Was that COFFEE ice cream? Dammit."
Wendy Kroy: Busted!
Rona: Totally!
Regina: Mmmm...coffee ice cream...
Syd quickly enters her bedroom and pulls a gun from under her bed. "I just remembered," says Frallison off-camera. Syd's head snaps up. Frallison's in the doorway, a gun pointing at Syd's head. "Francie doesn't like coffee ice cream," says Frallison. Oops. Syd's all, you got that right, sister. Frallison's all, drop the gun, honey. Syd's all, um, I don't THINK so, and then she leaps across the room, firing off bullets as she goes.
Okay, I'm not really sure that any amount of recapping can do this scene justice. Really. It's all about the visuals. At least, for me it is. And this entire scene is truly the Best Girl Fight EVER. Or, at least, the best one on TV. And it's fairly clear that both Merrin Dungey and Jennifer Garner are doing most of the fighting. Let me see if I can bring this scene the "awwww yeah" it deserves...
Syd rolls into the bathroom, and Frallison proceeds to try to kick the shit out of her. A couple of punches, couple of stomach kicks, and a floor kick later, and Syd comes upon a bloodied Will lying in the bathtub. Dead? Don't know. Syd grabs what looks like a candlestick off the tub and punches Frallison in the face. They fight and punch and kick down the hallway, until Frallison spin-kicks Syd to the floor. From her spot on the hardwood, Syd sees Frallison grab her gun. Quickly, Syd leaps over the breakfast bar, avoiding the following shots.
Frallison reloads and comes around the corner of the kitchen, ready to do some damage, but Syd heaves a drawer at her, and they engage in some close hand-to-hand. Again, it's actually both Merrin and Jennifer. And it's really fucking cool. Syd manages to knock the gun out of Frallison's hand, and there's a single-shot thing going on here where they beat each other up and Sydney slams Frallison's head into a glass cabinet and Frallison slams Sydney's face into the dish rack and THERE ARE NO CUTS. Damn, this rocks.
Frallison heaves Syd over the breakfast bar (I saw the stuntwoman on this one, but I don't give a shit) and Syd rapidly gets to her feet, just as Frallison swings over the bar and kicks Syd in the face. Then we're in the living room and more combat keeps coming. What I'm digging about this scene is that they're really trying to kill each other, and they're using everything they can find to do it. Like, Frallison grabs the gun again, and Syd grabs a fireplace poker and knocks it out of her hand and then tries to kill her with the poker. That's very Jackie Chan of her.
Once Frallison's knocked into a glass table, Syd spies the gun and goes after it. Frallison's onto her, however, and attacks, knocking them both out onto the patio. They're using every square inch of this damn apartment. We watch the majority of the patio action from inside, namely because there are a couple of stunts that require us to see them from far away: the one where Syd springboards to her feet from the ground, and the one where Syd pulls a running-up-a-wall-to-a-back-flip thing. Don't know if it's really Garner or not, but at this point I could care less, because the whole thing's totally wicked.
Somehow, they bust through the patio doors into Syd's room, and the gun goes flying under the bed, landing against the opposite wall. In an effort to prevent Frallison from getting to the gun, Syd valiantly tries to kick her ass, even jumping up on the bed to get a better vantage point. But this just lets Frallison grab her around the middle and tackle her into her floor-length mirror. Syd collapses, and Frallison backs off and smiles evilly at Syd.
Frallison makes a move toward the gun, but Syd gathers her wits and slices Frallison's cheek with a mirror shard. Frallison backs off again. And then Syd shoots her. Not once, not twice, but three times. Of course, Syd proves, once again, that she really IS the Worst Spy EVER, because, even with a clear shot, and an unmoving target, Syd can only manage to shoot Frallison in the left shoulder, in the upper left chest, and then the upper right chest. By the way, the head? NOT EVEN A TARGET.
Sure, we can reason that Syd's exhausted, has bad aim, not really trying to kill her, WHATEVER. I think the REAL reason is that the powers that be weren't sure just WHO was coming back year, so they had to make any end-of-season deaths potentially reversible. Will? Could be dead. Could also NOT be dead. Frallison? Could be dead. Could also NOT be dead. You think about it for a while. I'll be over here going, "What the FUCK?"
Because, after Frallison falls, Syd passes out. She doesn't appear to be dead; she just looks spent. Then, we fade into Syd lying somewhere, asleep, a red light flashing above her, making buzzing noises. Chinese voices can be heard as we pull back and reveal that Syd's lying curled up in some dirty alleyway somewhere. She slowly gets up. Her hair is a dirty, tangled mess and she's wearing a truly nappy sweater.
She tries to get up and falls back down. None of her bruises and cuts from the Frallison fight seem to be in attendance, but she looks weak and exhausted. Finally, she makes it up and starts walking out of the alley, her eyes blinking rapidly and her face etched with pain. She stops and looks around. It would seem that, according to her surroundings, she's in Hong Kong. Say it with me: WHUH?
Syd makes it to a payphone, and some woman answers, "Dispatch?" Syd responds, "This is Officer , calling for connection. Confirmation: looking glass." Talk about your anvils. Alice in Wonderland, anyone? The dispatch operator puts Syd through to Kendall. "I just woke up in Hong Kong," she says when he answers. "I don't know how long I've been here or how I got here." Kendall says nothing for a moment. Syd's all, hellooooo? He finally tells her to get to the safehouse and that he'll tell them to expect her.
At the safe house, a man leads Syd down a hallway. A sobbing woman can be heard in the background. No, I don't know what it means. Syd tries to get some info out of her guide, but he tells her she has to wait for information and that her contact will arrive soon. Once in her room, Syd examines a medium-sized scar on her lower right abdomen. No, I don't know what that means, either. But Jennifer Garner has pretty hands.
The door opens. It's Vaughn. Syd throws herself into his arms, crying. She tells him that they doubled Francie and he's all, yeah, I know. Then she wants to know about Will and Francie and if they're dead. Vaughn tells her that Will's okay. He doesn't say anything about Francie. It should be noted that he totally can't look at her right now, even though she's trying to be affectionate with him. She can't believe that Will's alive and wants to know how. All Vaughn says is, "You...sit down." For the record, I don't think he was saying "You" as in "Will's alive because of you." I think he was starting to tell her everything, and then he decided to have her sit because, dude. This shit's fucked UP.
They sit. Vaughn just looks at her. She just looks at him. Vaughn looks totally tired and wrecked. So does Syd. Finally, Syd's all, dude? Could you tell me what the hell is going on? Vaughn finally goes, "We thought you were dead." He pauses and then quietly says, "They asked me to come back to...um...to explain..." Syd's all, come back from what? Where? Who? What're you on about? Frustrated, Vaughn rubs at his forehead wrinkles with his left hand and reveals...dun dun DUN! A wedding ring!
Eagle-Eye Syd spots it and says, "Vaughn? Why are you...wearing that ring?" Vaughn looks down at the floor, not sure how to proceed. Finally, he says, "Syd...since that night...you were missing." He stops for a moment, his voice choking, his eyes filling with tears. Not looking at her, he says, "You've been missing for almost two years." We close in on Syd's face as the reality (or unreality, if you're of the mindset that this is alllll an illuuuuuuusion) of Vaughn's statement sinks in.
Wendy Kroy: Um. Wow. That was. Um.
Regina: I know. That's. Um.
Rona: See. Um. But. Do you. Wow.
Wendy Kroy: Holy motherfucking shit.
Regina: Ditto.
Rona: Pretty much.
And so, you see, we've come full circle. Except, of course, that we now have NO idea what the hell's going on or what's happening or who's dead or who's alive or who's married or who's not or, really, anything else.
And the answers are over four months away.
Happy summer!