The Solution

Previously on Alias: Spitzy Saliva-Pants caught a knife in the gut, courtesy of our little Spy Barbie. Yay! The Bucktoothed Ex-Non-Boyfriend is dead!

We open up on a shot of Spy Barbie, now nearly comatose with the grief and sorrow associated with offing one's ex-non-boyfriend, getting her hand wrapped up in preparation for a little sparring session. In a mini-flashback, Spy Daddy is standing at Syd's desk saying how sorry he was to hear about Spitzy. Syd, who has now been rendered speechless by the repeating image of Cottonmouth McDumbass expiring in her arms, says nothing.

Then we're back for a moment with the sparring Syd. , Syd's telling Vaughn that she killed a man, in case we all missed the last episode, the previews for this week's episode, the recap, and the crack in the ozone layer that was created when Drippy D'Notgonnabearoundanymore's soul escaped his body. Agent Affirmation tells Syd that Drippy was an assassin and that if she hadn't killed him, he most likely would have killed her. And then we're back to the sparring.

Back, once again, with Agent Affirmation, Syd's spilling her "I'm a Reluctant Spy" sob story. She comes to the realization that she's not in this just to bring Dead Fianc's killers to justice, she's in it for the revenge. Um, that's what bringing Dead Fianc's killers to justice means, Syd. REVENGE. And don't knock revenge, okay? I'm currently developing a toxic form of marijuana that renders one impotent and grossly overweight for the pure purpose of secretly inserting it into a certain someone's one-hitter when he's not looking and then cackling when his new bizarro girlfriend leaves him because he's a no-good fat slacker who can't get it up. Revenge is sweet, my friends. And don't let anyone tell you any different.

Syd wraps up her three-tissue saga with the declaration that she feels that she's no longer trying to bring SD-6 down, but that she's now on their side. Agent Affirmation whips out (shut up!) some laminated chart that shows how huge SD-6 was when Syd first started working with him. Then he flips over some clear sheet that shows how sort-of-not-huge SD-6 is today. It's really not that much of a difference, but there are a lot of little red circles with slashes through them all over the place so I guess we're supposed to assume that Syd's actually making progress here.

"Kasineau's out there," says Syd. "My mom is out there." Agent Amorous assures her that they'll find both of them. Syd then says she has to go to class. Class? CLASS? We're still on this? God, just drop the damn university thing already, okay? This is the first time it's even been mentioned in ages and nobody in the audience seems to give a shit so, like, LET IT GO.

Syd gets up to leave but, before she exits, Agent Amorous grabs an ice pack from a first-aid kit and gently places it on Syd's hand, which was bloodied during the spliced-in sparring scenes. He tells her to take care of herself and she leaves.

Sisters are Not Doin' It For Themselves Central. Willage is on all fours (hee!), groping around behind the fridge. It would seem that Francie thinks they have rats because she heard some scritching and scratching back there. Willage wants to go to the hardware store to pick up some traps, but Francie declares that they need "a professional, a hit man." Too bad Spitzy's dead. He'd take care of those rats with a switchblade and a smile in no time at all.

Before Willage can pick up the phone and dial "Ratkillers, Inc." his cellphone rings. It's Deep Throat, back for more anonymous and baffling fun. Willage runs outside. Deep Throat's chastising him for not publishing the story about SD-6. Willage is all, dude, I WAS KIDNAPPED. You write the damn story, okay? I'm gonna go eat some Ding-Dongs. Deep Throat is all, hey Mr. Scaredy-Britches, it was just a bluff. Run down to the local morgue, pick up a new backbone, and publish the damn story already! Willage is all, bugger off freaknut, and hangs up.

Deep Throat's a persistent voice-without-a-body, though, and calls right back. Willage is all, dude, WHAT'D I SAY? Don't call me again, okay? Deep Throat trumps him by announcing that his kidnapper was none other than Jack Bristow.

D'oh!

After the break, we're back at the House of Hysterics and Useless Plotlines. Syd enters, looking jagged, and Francie literally pops up from behind the kitchen counter like a jack-in-the-box and informs her that they have rats. She goes on to say that the exterminator's coming between noon and three and does Syd think she can hang around for him? Syd's unavailable because she has to run off to Borneo or something in search of her bitch of a mother. Or she has a "symposium" or some such shit. Unfortunately, Francie's busy as well.

They both look over at Willage. "What?" he says. "I don't live here." "Then why are you always here?" asks Syd. Ha! That is TOTALLY a shout-out. Without a doubt. And it's an excellent question. Why is Willage always at their house? Doesn't he have a home? Or does he just live in a leaky cardboard box DOWN BY THE RIVER?

Willage protests at first, but then Syd flicks on the dimples and Willage agrees to roam around their house and rifle through her underwear drawers and sniff her deodorant. And here's where the whole "rats" storyline comes to its full realization. Francie goes on this silly tirade about how rats are clever and how you can't just leave out cheese and expect them to come 'n' get it. "You have to leave out the good stuff," she says. "You know, the heavy-duty stuff. The stuff that they want. That's the only way that they're going to come out. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time."

Syd gets this look of dawning enlightenment across her face as the Excessive Electronica of Ominous Ominousity plays. thing you know, Syd's down in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires telling Vaughn that they can get Kasineau to come to them. The Rambaldi Solution. Remember that little vial of liquid that took Shovelhead two damn episodes to unsuccessfully steal? Yeah. That one. Kasineau wants it and Syd thinks they should give it to him.

Captain Forehead then pays a visit to Devlin to discuss Syd's potential plan of action. Now, because we ALL know what the damn "solution" is and what it's used for, I'm just going to cut to the chase on this scene and tell y'all that Syd is suggesting that they go to Kasineau and pretend there's another vial and try to sell it to him. Look. Her plan is MUCH more complex than this but, like, it's so convoluted and bizarre and requires, like, NINE PAGES TO EXPLAIN, so, uh, here it is in a nutshell. Warning: this will be boring and completely unfunny, but it'll be concise, okay? Don't bitch at me because the writers apparently have ADD and watch too many early-seventies spy capers.

Deep breath.

Kasineau thinks the vial is still at SD-6. Syd wants to pretend there's another one. Vaughn wants to know how they'll do that. There's a museum in Algeria that Sloane thought had possession of some Rambaldi artifacts. Sloane sent a team to steal them. The mission failed and Sloane had the team executed before they could talk. So, for all intents and purposes, there still exists a supposed cache of Rambaldi artifacts in Algeria.

Another deep breath.

Syd wants to break into the museum and steal a bunch of shit and then start spreading rumors about what exactly was taken and let Kasineau get wind of the booty (yes, somehow, that sounds rather gross, doesn't it?) and think that someone has possession of another vial of Rambaldi goo and of course he'll want it and of course Syd and Vaughn will contact Kasineau about a black market sale.

Whoo. That was a doozy. I'm winded. Looks like it's time for Julio, my wayward houseboy with six-pack abs, to bring Mistress a refreshing cocktail. Julio! Vodka and tonic for the Mistress! And be quick about it, or no Skinemax for you later tonight.

Devlin's not really interested in backing an operation that involves stealing precious items from a museum. Vaughn assures him that they'll sell all the items back to the museum via back channels, whatever that means. The whole point is to get Kasineau to notice the theft and think they have a duplicate ampoule. The kicker? Vaughn wants to go with Sydney. Devlin's all, I don't think so Desk Boy. Vaughn's all, but I lurrrrrve her. Oh, and she'll be working for us, not SD-6, so she'll need backup.

While Devlin just stares at Vaughn like he's grown another forehead to accompany his litany of creases, Agent A-Team is all, we're gonna pose as insurance agents or somethin' and we're gonna inspect the security system and blah blah blah you gettin' all this? Syd managed to download the mission specs from the apparently easy-to-get-into SD-6 mainframe, so she knows all about the security system and how to bust it. Agent A-Team finishes up his Devlin discussion by saying that this is their best shot at Kasineau. Devlin succinctly says, "Do it."

Finally, back in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires, Syd gets assurance from Vaughn that he'll deal with the op-tech and then informs him that she has to go to the hospital to visit with Sloane's Cancer-Ridden Wife, a.k.a. "Aunt Emily." Agent Amorous tells Syd that he's sorry about Aunt Emily. God. He's so transparent. Just nail her already, okay? Jesus.

Meanwhile, Willage is hanging out at Chick Music, Ltd. waiting on the rat exterminator. Willage is on the phone, trying to get the number for the pest control place. He goes to get a pen in order to write the number down, pulls open a drawer, shoves past a picture of Spy Daddy, grabs a big black marker, and starts to write down the number. There's a knock at the door and Willage rightly assumes it's the rat dude. The guy enters and Willage shows him where the problem is and, for some strange reason, I get the feeling that this "rat dude" is bad news. Don't know why. Maybe I have trust issues.

After hovering over Rat Dude for a minute, Willage conveniently glances over at the open drawer and just NOW notices the picture of Spy Daddy. He goofballs over and picks up the picture. While Rat Dude starts asking Willage if he has kids or household pets or plants that need watering, Willage pulls out some plastic wrap, places it over the picture, grabs the marker and draws a little black mask over Spy Daddy's face. That was awfully considerate of him to use the plastic wrap and not ruin the picture. I'm not sure I'd be all that thoughtful. Of course, I'm the girl who recently went through all her old pictures and drew devil horns and goatees all over the face of the guy who should die in a bizarre gouda cheese incident as soon as possible, so I don't really think "thoughtful" is part of my repertoire.

Speaking of the head office...Spy Daddy's hanging out in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Syd enters, gives Spy Daddy a look, and he quickly shuts the doors and activates his little "room cleaner," which gives them two minutes to talk without being heard. Syd spills the beans about Auntie Em knowing about SD-6. Spy Daddy already knows. "It's too late," he says. "Your conversation was recorded." Syd's all, and? Spy Daddy's all, information about SD-6 must be treated like a virus, so, pretty much, Auntie Em's gonna be given a little anti-viral action. "There is only one response," says Spy Daddy. "Containment."

Syd's all, there's no way Uncle Arvin would kill his own wife. Spy Daddy's all, um, think again, sistah. The final decision won't be made until Uncle Arvin meets with the head of SD-6 security but, I'm here to tell ya, she's one dead mutha. "[Sloane's] the only one who can save her now," finishes Spy Daddy.

Syd slow-mos out of the conference room as generically drippy electronica plays over the soundtrack. She looks down the hall at Uncle Arvin, who's sitting in his office staring off into space. She speeds back up to a normal pace and enters his office.

"The time off I asked for last week?" Syd says. "I'd still like to take it. Would that be all right?" Uncle Arvin wakes from his reverie and asks where she's going. She tells him she's going to the desert. "Yeah," he says quietly, his eyes closing a bit. "Yes. Of course." Syd thanks him. "The desert," he says with a sad smile on his face. "Hmmm." Then he doesn't say anything at all and just looks completely broken as Sydney leaves his office.

Man. You know what? Ron Rifkin rocks my world. Like, he's this evil son-of-a-bitch but, in scenes like these, where he's all dealing with his personal shit, he's so, I don't know, sad and cute and I just want to gather him up in my arms and tell him it's all gonna be okay -- oh, wow. I just crossed over, man. I have officially lost it.

Excuse me while I summon Julio for another vodka and tonic and then order him to beat me about the head and shoulders with the remote control. Julio! JULIO! Another cocktail for Mistress! And bring the remote control! And this time, NO SHIRT!

Aaaah. Much better now.

Algeria: Land of Oil, Blue Men of the Desert, and Couscous. After our standard establishing shot of a foreign country that was most likely stolen from the Travel Channel's archives, we're at the museum watching Sydney speak in a hideous French accent to a bunch of Arabic-speaking Armani-suited men about testing their security system. Then we're treated to one of the mini-flashbacks where Agent A-Team is telling Syd that once they're in, they'll have to separate and Syd will have to go inspect the security grid and the exhibition space while he'll handle the shutdown from the control room. He shows her a special doo-dad in the shape of a pack of gum that will allow him to interrupt the security cameras for 180 seconds so she can work undetected. 180 seconds sure as hell isn't a lot of time, is it? Methinks there's a time-constrained action scene coming up soon...

Back to present, Agent A-Team is in the control room getting ready for the shutdown. He, like Sydney, is also speaking in a hideous French accent, which, considering that Michael Vartan is actually FRENCH, is remarkably stupid. Anyway, the Algerian museum guys shut down the security system, Agent A-Team whips out (again, shut up!) the doo-dad and activates it, and the security system comes back up. The cameras, however, do not.

And we're back to the mini-flashback. Like, I totally get why they do these things and, as a watcher, I'm grateful because it furthers the plot without a lot of draggy exposition but, like, it's REALLY hard to write about it. Yeah, I know, just shut up and write.

Anyway, mini-flashback. Vaughn's saying something about shutting down the ventilation system. Syd responds that this will allow her to gain access to the air shaft without getting sliced and diced by the fans. Back in the control room, Agent Accent requests that they shut down the ventilation system. Elsewhere in the museum, Spy Barbie brings her escort down with a couple of swift hits from her clipboard. She runs through the halls until she winds up at an air vent.

Spy Barbie removes the grate (or whatever the hell you call it) and pulls out her handy-dandy automatic grappling hook. She shoots it up into the air shaft and it locks onto the non-operational fan grid. She swings out into the shaft (hee...I just wrote "shaft"...hee!) and lowers herself down into the darkness.

And break! Fill up the chips, grab the dips, pour the drinks, and get yer heinies back to the sofa. Julio! You know what to do and you know the way I like it. Shake that thang...

Control Room of Bad Accents and Guys Who Really Should Understand French Because THIS IS ALGERIA, NOT SIBERIA. Agent Accent requests that the heating system be taken off-line. Why? You think I know? I don't pay attention to this shit. Syd's lowering herself down the shaft (hee!) as another Vaughn mini-flashback informs us that the vault room is located sixty-seven feet below the main level. Yeah, I don't really know or care what he's talking about.

Syd makes it out of the shaft and makes her way over to the vault as the mini-flashback lets us know that the little ID bracelet that Vaughn gives her isn't a going-steady token but is, instead, a high-tech device that will not only crack the vault but short the alarm system as well. Where do they get these wonderful toys?

Back in the present, Syd uses the ID bracelet and quickly enters the vault. She fills her messenger bag with a bunch of useless pieces of ancient crap. Up in the control room, all hell's about to break loose. Some random Algerian guy enters all spooled up in a Mediterranean lather because of the system shutdown. He orders the power to be restored. Agent Accent gets lippy with Lather Dude in his hideous French accent and then turns to his interpreter and spews out the most glorious stream of actual French that I've ever heard.

The translation, supplied to me by my Quebec connection Marco Jean, is, "If you wouldn't let us do our work, you should have told us before we made all the arrangements to come here." Thanks, Marco. But, really, does it matter what Vaughn says? Because, honestly? He could have said, "My monkey lives in the tree and the napkin is under the table" and I still would have dropped to the floor in a heap of restless passion. Have I mentioned that I have issues? I believe that I have. Moving on.

Lather Dude tells his trusty fat henchman to escort Agent Accent and his non-girlfriend to the nearest exit. Then he orders the system to be turned back on. Unfortunately, Syd's not quite finished yet. She's still in the vault and, when the system is turned on, the fan that's hanging onto her grappling hook thingy starts spinning, thereby rapidly reeling in the attached rope. Again, unfortunately, Syd is still attached to the rope. Sigh. What's a girl to do?

Well, if you're not Sydney, you just get pulled up into the air shaft and hope your death by fan is swift and painless. Of course, this is Spy Barbie we're talking about so she manages to grab onto the edge of the vent where she entered the shaft in the first place. Too bad she lets the cellphone loaded with plastic explosives drop off her belt. Can you say "boom"? Syd launches herself out of the shaft just in time and meets up with Agent Accent in the lobby of the museum. They have a coded bad-accent moment wherein Agent Accent asks if she finished her work. "Barely," she responds as the security alarm goes off.

Newspaper of No Importance Whatsoever. Willage approaches that Brit girl from several episodes back. Remember her? The one with the congratulatory cake? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, he walks up, turns up her music, and whispers in her ear about something. thing we know, they're outside somewhere, and Brit Girl is bitching at Willage about giving her more details. "You were kidnapped...by a --" she sputters. Willage has opened his big fat mouth, I guess. He hands her his article and tells her that, if anything should happen to him, like, say, IF HE SHOULD DIE, she has to publish the article. "Why would something happen?" she asks. "Because I'm gonna go see my kidnapper," says Willage, looking for all the world like he just wet himself.

And now it's time for the Willraldo Rivera show! (tm SpyDaddyRulez)

Willraldo is hanging out somewhere in his jeep. Spy Daddy exits a building and Willraldo follows him. Turns out, Spy Daddy isn't heading off on some super-secret double-agent mission; no, he's just heading to the local bar for his daily dose of Glenfiddich. Willraldo shows up and sits down to him. "There are a few things we need to talk about," says Willraldo, not looking directly at Spy Daddy. "And, uh, quite frankly...you scare me. So, I'd rather talk about it in a public place." Heh. Heh heh. Will's cracking my shit up in this scene. This is bad. This is really bad. I AM LIKING WILL. Shoot me.

Willraldo orders a beer and Spy Daddy asks him what he wants to talk about. Will's all, let's chat about Sydney first. "Does she know that you kidnapped me?" he says, getting right to the point, which is making me like him more. Did I say shoot me? Yeah. Do it. DO IT NOW. Spy Daddy actually LAUGHS, a first for this show, and tells Willraldo that he's mistaking him for someone else. Willraldo spews out the details about his story and how, if he dies, it'll get published.

Spy Daddy's all, dude. You seem kinda tense. Will's all, yeah, you'd be tense too if some weird guy was calling you up and telling you that your non-girlfriend's father kidnapped you. Victor Garber manages to communicate with a simple twitch of his eyes that this is SO not kosher with him. Will babbles on about Deep Throat and all the hints and clues he's providing Will with.

"Now, I don't know if you work for SD-6 or if you're responsible for the deaths of Daniel Hecht and Eloise Kurtz," says Will. "I don't even know if you're protecting Sydney or if she needs to be protected from you! But just tell me what you know! Convince me that you put Sydney's interests first. That in some sick, bizarre twist of fate, you and I are on the same side."

Spy Daddy just glares at Willraldo. "My concern for Sydney," rasps Spy Daddy, "is not yours to judge." Oooh, shivers. Will repeats that he wants Spy Daddy to convince him by helping him to put a stop to whatever is going on. In return for Spy Daddy's help, Will offers to help find out just who Deep Throat is. "Because," says Will, tossing money on the bar, "I got a feeling that he's somebody you'd like to meet." Heh. Heh heh. Dammit! I don't want to like Will! Gah!

After the break, wherein ABC informs me that Jami Gertz will be portraying Gilda Radner in an upcoming biopic, something I did NOT need to know, we're at some random house somewhere and a dog is barking and Spy Daddy's standing at a door and Devlin's walking up, tying his robe closed. Devlin dismisses the security guard that accompanied Spy Daddy. "There's been a breach," says Spy Daddy. "Without containment, our entire operation could be compromised."