Previously on Alias: Syd got laid. That is all.
Yeah, okay, that's not REALLY all. But I don't really care about anything else. The search for Spy Momsky? Yawn. Spy Daddy's spiral down into afternoon scotches? Bleah. Sloane's continuing bizarre relationship with Sydney? What. Ever. It's really all about the sex, people. Never forget that. It'll help you quite a bit as you trip lightly down this path we call "life."
We open on a lingering shot of Syd's naked calf. Ahhh, post-coital bliss. How I miss it so. Actually, I don't miss it as much as I'VE NEVER HAD IT. Wow. I can already see where this recap is leading and I'm not sure if I like it. Looks like I'll be printing this baby out for use in my therapy session. Maybe I can divert the payments I receive for recapping directly to Dr. Fishcakes. If nothing else, maybe I can write off my therapy sessions as "creative expenditure." Maybe I should just shut up and take the VCR off pause.
Syd's snoozing away after a night of good lovin'. Bucky McBuckerton stealthily slaps his hand over her mouth and informs her that Kasineau's men have found them. Indeed, Kasineau's men pull up in a Hummer and surround the not-so-safe house. Seconds later, they burst in, guns a-blazin', just as Syd and Rabbit Face slip down a hidden passageway.
As Kasineau's Kops scramble around inside the not-so-safe house, Syd and Gums McOverbite burst out of yet another hidden passageway into a hay-strewn barn. They're both fully dressed in disco black flak outfits that were obviously stored in the "Hidden Passageway Spy Chic Boutique." This entire scene is so bloody dark that I have to turn the brightness on my teeny Samsung TV up to fifty, making it look like everything's happening in the middle of a Siberian snowstorm. I am not amused.
Dr. Dental whips the cover off a motorcycle, and he and Syd throw on a couple of slick black helmets. Syd gets on her helmet-phone (hee) and informs someone on the other end that this is "White Rabbit" which, if you're me, elicits gusts of giggles because I've now started to actually SEE Peter Berg as a giant mush-mouthed rabbit of Harvey-esque proportions. It's actually Syd's code name or something and she tells the person on the other end that there's been a change of plans and she needs an exit in thirty minutes.
Syd grabs the core she picked up in the last ep. One of the Kops enters the barn and Bunny Face shoots him. He and Syd zoom the motorcycle out of the barn and into the night. Syd handles the driving as Bunny Face handles the Kop killing. The Kops chase them as Syd tells the extraction team that they need to get the HELL outta there, like, NOW.
The extraction team starts counting down to when they'll be flying directly overhead, and Syd tells Bunny to drive for her while she sets up some complex situation involving a parachute thingy, some carabineer equipment, and the box with the core in it. Bunny leads them directly into the Hummer and, as the extraction team announces the number "one," Syd shoots something up in the air, where it locks onto the WING OF A PLANE, and Syd and Bunny get pulled swiftly up into the night sky as the motorcycle runs directly into the Hummer, making mincemeat of the Kops.
Say it with me: WHATEVER.
The Warehouse of Futile Crushes and Agents Who Need to Get a Clue. Vaughn's informing his non-girlfriend that the CIA has new intel on Kasineau. K-Directorate is also seeking revenge on Kasineau and has hired a relatively lethal assassin to find him and dismember him. That's incredibly detailed intel there, Agent Amorous. The assassin's code name is "The Snowman" which, if you're me, makes you snort Diet Coke out your nose because, even though it's the title of this week's episode, it immediately conjures up images of Frosty the Snowman brandishing a machete and chopping up Kasineau into a dozen pieces.
Anyway, The Snowman has been on the CIA's most-wanted list for the past twelve years and Vaughn's thinking that they'll get closer to Kasineau by following The Snowman. He tells Syd that he wants to make sure that she gets to Kasineau first because it's so important to her. Aw. Nothing like letting personal issues come before national security to declare your undying love for someone, huh?
Syd thanks him and starts to walk off, but Vaughn just can't let her go without asking about the Arkhangelsk operation and, by default, Bunny. It's so painfully obvious that Vaughn's only asking to find out if Syd did the nasty with Rabbit Face. Syd doesn't kiss and tell, however, and just succinctly informs him that the operation went well. Then she slaps her ass and tells Vaughn that if he wants some o' dis, den he better pick up a weapon and start actin' like a REAL man.
Center for Grrrl Music and the Boys WHO NEVER LEAVE. Willage and Francie are hanging out and drinking beers, trying to think of the best way to confront Syd about the random ticket stub and her possible secret life. I have to agree with the majority of the posters here. Willage on his own? Irritating. Francie on her own? Sort of pointless. Willage and Francie together? Brilliant. I just love the way they play off each other's stupidity and silliness. I'm not suggesting that they're stupid but this whole "Syd's Secret Life" escapade is pretty dumb. That being said, they're both really hilarious together. More Willage and Francie!
Willage thinks they need to strategize because, even though they're accusing Syd of lying to them, he wants to be gentle with her. Yes, Willage. We know. You want to "be gentle" with her in so many ways. Now get me one of those beers and stop meddling in other people's business. Francie theorizes that maybe Syd wanted them to find the ticket, like it was a cry for help. Yeah. And that's why I accidentally left my diaphragm out in the bathroom that one time my mother came to visit. I was just crying out for her to ask me about my sex life.
Syd enters but The Willage Idiot Players never get a chance to give Sydney the third degree because Syd just wants to crash. She leaves and Francie whispers to Willage, "I can't believe you didn't say anything!" Willage responds, screwing up his face in a really adorable way, "That's why I wanted to strategize!" Hee. They're killing me over here.
Credit Dauphine. Syd's getting onto the elevator as Bunny follows, demanding that she go away with him. Syd tells him that this is all happening too fast. Instead of assuring her that it isn't too fast and that he loves her with every ounce of his being, Bunny goes on to ramble about some software program that he used to skim money off the Russian mob and how he's got oodles of cash in different offshore accounts. Syd's all, um, that's great but, like, do you love me or what? Bunny's all, I'm gettin' out and I want you to get out with me. Syd's all, you know I can't do that, and get some sort of suctioning system for that mealy mouth of yours, okay? You're totally grossing me out, dude.
Bunny keeps pressing the issue until Syd finally confesses that she's searching for her mother and then spills the whole Spy Momsky-Russian spy story. "I'm not going anywhere," says Syd, "until I know where she is." Bunny wants to know if he were to wait for her, would she ever run away with him? Syd just cryptically smiles and walks away.
Uncle Arvin's Office of Underhand Tactics and Meddlesome Methods. Some random agent hands Sloane a file on Bunny. Sloane looks it over as the Ominous Music of Good Agents Gone Bad plays. Did anyone else out there even DOUBT that Bunny was a bad egg? Didn't think so. Sloane instructs the random agent to tell McCullogh (the Spy Inquisitor) that Sloane needs to see him, and not to let Bunny leave the building.
Elsewhere in the building, Syd drops in on Spy Daddy. Syd hesitatingly asks Spy Daddy about his therapy. Spy Daddy cuts her off, telling her that he took care of it. Syd changes tack and mentions something about Marshall unlocking the core computer. Once again, Spy Daddy cuts her off, spitting out something about how, if he'd been consulted about her last mission, he wouldn't have let her go. He goes on to say that the information recovered from the core computer revealed nothing about Kasineau's whereabouts, operations, plans, or cache of Rambaldi artifacts.
Syd's not giving up that easily. She mentions that she saw some files on her mother. Spy Daddy's all, yup, we saw that. We also recovered some useless archival video footage of yer mom that was taken AFTER she was supposedly dead. Wanna see it? Syd's all, hey, unless it's porn, I'm not really all that interested. Spy Daddy storms out after announcing that, since the core computer didn't have anything helpful in the Kasineau situation, the entire operation was a useless risk. Spy Barbie just stares at the floor in a futile attempt to locate the central plot line of this episode.
Yet elsewhere in the building, Bunny's hanging out at his desk, which just happens to be opposite Dixon's desk. The chill in the air you feel isn't the overly efficient A/C. Bunny tries to open the lines of communication with Dix but Dix ain't having any of it. He blatantly tells Bunny that he doesn't trust him, which kinda sucks considering that, since they're in the spy business, if Bunny sticks around, one day their lives will be in each other's hands. "And in that scenario," finishes Dixon, "the only person truly safe will be you." Awww yeah. Dixon's gettin' commando on Bunny's ass. Love it.
Just then, a couple of badass agents walk up and ask Bunny to come with them. Bunny goes off and winds up back in the Spy Inquisition Chamber. The same crusty old foreign guy is questioning Bunny about his suspicious money operations. Blah blah blah, what's with the accounts? Bling blam blooey, dunno what yer talking about. La la la lamppost, that's NOT the answer I was looking for.
Meanwhile, Sloane's watching the interrogation on the computer in his office along with McCullogh. Sloane's all, this guy's hiding something and I want to know what it is. McCullogh's all, want me to have some words with him? And, because Sloane's a sadistic worm, we can assume from the offhand look that he gives McCullogh that, yes indeedy, he sure does want McCullogh to have some words with ol' Bunny Face.
Over in Syd's office, Syd's checking out the Spy Mommy archival footage. Looks like Spy Mommy is being debriefed by a bunch of KGB guys. She gives her Russian name as "Irina Derevko" and her American name as "Laura Bristow." And, um, dudes? She's speaking in a Russian accent that's so thick I can practically TASTE the borscht. Like, wouldn't ol' Spy Daddy, since he was in the CIA, have had a teensy inkling that his wife could have been in cahoots with the Russians if she had an accent that rivaled Baryshnikov's? Hello?
My disbelief at this situation is further reinforced when Spy Mommy goes on to explain, in detail, her KGB mission objectives. Phase One, apparently, involved Spy Mommy posing as an American student of literature. Right. If this video is ANY indication, she'd have had trouble posing as an AMERICAN, period. See, either they should have had her posing as a RUSSIAN student at an American university or they should have MADE THIS CHARACTER AN AMERICAN. Like, you can't have it both ways, Mr. Abrams. There are plenty of AMERICANS out there who've gone to work at the KGB. Hi. Falcon and the Snowman anyone?
Whatever. Syd's getting all weepy as she watches her mommy talk about how she was instructed to insinuate herself into the life of Jonathan Donahue Bristow in order to infiltrate the CIA. After stating that she was to gather information on "Project Christmas," some KGB agent in the foreground turns around and looks directly into the camera. Syd gasps in recognition. It's the guy who was in the car with Syd's mom on the night she "died."
CIA Hell-Lay. Vaughn saunters up to Agent Sean's desk and tosses him a set of keys, reminding him that Sean's supposed to feed Vaughn's dog while he's away. Agent Sean's all, where ya goin'? Vaughn's all, I'm goin' to Disneyland! Actually, he's going to Bogota. Agent Sean's all, what's in Bogota? Vaughn's all, some guy who was attacked by The Snowman. Vaughn's hilariously skittery in this scene, like he's all jazzed up to finally get out from behind his desk. The Bogota guy also used to work with The Snowman, which means that if Vaughn finds this guy, he'll also find The Snowman, which will lead to finding Kasineau. Oh, just go to frickin' Bogota already, will ya?
And now, for the idiots in the audience who haven't watched this damn show since the beginning, Sydney describes how she recognized the man in the archival video as the man who was in the car with Spy Mommy when she "died." In case y'all don't remember, that man's name was "Calder." But his real name is "Igor Sergei Valenko" and he's a KGB operative, just like Spy Mommy.
She's telling all this to Spy Daddy. It would seem that both deaths were faked. Syd assumes that if they find Calder, they'll find Kasineau. Spy Daddy posits that this will only work if these guys still have ties to each other. Syd's ready with the answers: when Kasineau liquidated some of his assets, the initials "I.S.V." appeared somewhere in the documentation. Oh, and, apparently, six months ago, a man matching Calder's description was caught on video entering a known money-laundering outfit in Cape Town. Um, six months ago? Don't you think someone might have, I don't know, MENTIONED THAT BEFORE NOW?
Shhhh. Just breathe. Don't think. Just type.
Blah blah blah -- Syd wants to convince Sloane to let her and Bunny travel to Cape Town in order to seize the records of the money-laundering outfit. She's positive that this will lead them to Kasineau. Spy Daddy bursts Syd's Bunny-bubble by telling her that SD-6 looked into Bunny's records and some of the anomalies suggest that Bunny may have ties to K-Directorate. Duh. Syd gets all twirly about the possibility that her recent boinking partner may be one bad mutha and tells Spy Daddy that he's got it all wrong; her boy's just misunderstood.
Spy Daddy's all, girlfriend! Get a clue! This guy's bad fucking news! Syd's all, but you don't know him like I do! And he's a great kisser (although, I must admit, his teeth kept knocking into mine but, hey, you can't have everything)! Spy Daddy's all, here's a quarter. Go down to the nearest pay phone, plug it in, and call someone who gives a shit. Wake up and smell the java, sweetheart. You don't know the first thing about this dude. Syd's firmly entrenched in her own little fantasy world and totally denies that Bunny may be a backstabbing double agent. Spy Daddy, having existed in the very same fantasy world lo these many years, makes a mental note to start drinking scotch IMMEDIATELY.
Bogota. Nope. Nothing funny to say. Except, of course, how every time I type "Bogota," I just think of "boogers." Hee. Boogers are funny. Ahem. In a scene right out of Hannibal, Vaughn's hanging out with a guy who's wheezing so loud that it sounds like he's got a busted accordion for a lung. The lights are low, so it's difficult to see this guy's face, but what glimpses we're afforded seem to indicate that he's been sliced and diced more than a sheaf of bok choy at a Chinese restaurant.
Borrowing a voice from Marlon Brando in The Godfather, Scary Scar Man informs Vaughn that he never met The Snowman, but that his moniker comes from his method of killing. He prefers an ice pick. See? "Ice"? "Snow"? "SNOWMAN"? Get it? Wheeze wheeze wheeze, Scar Boy tells his sad mutilation stories. WhatEVER. Vaughn presses Scar Boy for leads on Snowman's whereabouts. Scar Boy pulls open a secret passageway and announces that, yes, he has leads, and he'll even contact them himself. WHATEVER. Why in the hell did Vaughn have to go all the way to frickin' Bogota just to hear that Scar Boy has leads and WILL CONTACT THEM HIMSELF? Couldn't they just have done that over the damn phone? Gah. Scar Boy dismisses Vaughn with one request: when they find The Snowman, make him suffer.
Dudes, at this point, if I find J.J. Abrams, I'm gonna make HIM suffer. Seriously. This entire scene was just a waste of tape. Lord almighty. Where's that beer, Willage? I'm thirsty over here.
Ahhh. Amstel Light. God love ya.
Back from the break, we're in Sloane's office and he's sweet-talking on the phone to his almost-dead wife. It's moments like these that are supposed to make us care deeply for Sloane, a man who kills unreservedly one moment, and tells his almost-dead wife he loves her the . Awww. The conflicted life of a not-so-cold-blooded killer.
Sloane hangs up and Spy Daddy enters and wants to talk about Bunny. Sloane states that he thinks Bunny's hiding something. So do we all, Uncle Arvin. Spy Daddy says that Sloane should consider not killing Bunny because, if he is in cahoots with the Russians, he could very well lead them directly to Kasineau. Spy Daddy blathers on and on about the Calder connection, for those of us in the audience WHO DON'T HAVE AN OPERATIONAL TELEVISION SET.
Uncle Arvin surmises that Sydney wants to have Bunny involved in the operation she's putting together to nab Calder. Sloane also remarks on how Spy Daddy continues to come to him and ask for special consideration for the men in Sydney's life. Whatever. Plot? Anyone? Gimme a call if you find it. Sloane makes some rather seedy remark about how Sydney's been intimate with Bunny, creating a problem. Spy Daddy's all, that is SO none of my business and it sure as HELL isn't any of yours. And, while we're at it? Don't EVER mention anything about my sweet little girl knockin' da boots with ANYONE, okay? She's a virgin and will be until the day I walk her white-gowned ass down the aisle. Got it?
And now it's time for our favorite activity: The Music Montage. As Jeff Buckley's beautiful song "Lover, You Should Have Come Over" plays, Sydney slow-mos through the halls of SD-6. She spots Spy Daddy and they look at each other across the room. Before their rather loving glances can take on a tinge of creepiness, Spy Daddy glances off in another direction, leading Sydney to look the same way. She sees Bunny, shooting the shit with Marshall in his office. They're hootin' it up and Sydney smiles, glancing back at Spy Daddy. Spy Daddy just gives her this sour expression and looks down. Syd totally doesn't get the meaning of his expression and walks off to join Bunny and Marshall. Spy Daddy just watches her sadly. Victor Garber? You rock.
The music continues over another slow-mo scene in which Sloane hands out mission folders in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sydney voice-overs that Sloane accepted the mission, and she and Bunny are heading off to Cape Town to break into the money-laundering outfit. What's her counter-mission?
Ah, so she was voice-over-ing to Vaughn down in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Vaughn goes ballistic, saying there shouldn't BE a counter-mission. This just leads to a really stupid mini-fight between the non-lovers. Vaughn's all, when you found out the truth about Calder, you should have come to me! Syd's all, whatever, dude. Bring it down a notch. If I'd come to you, you would have had to turn over the info and we'd be kicked out of any future Kasineau-hunting operations. Vaughn sucks it up and sheepishly gives her some sort of device for recording information gleaned from Calder. He supposes, correctly, that Syd won't use it. What the hell are they talking about? Yeah, I don't know either. Suffice it to say that, even though Syd's not gonna share her Calder stuff with anyone, she won't let Kasineau walk. Or something. Don't care. End scene.
Cape Town. Syd and Bunny are hangin' at the money-laundering place. There's a little Marshall-interjection in which he tells them about some motion detectors on the floor and some sound detectors in the room. Marshall provides them with some sound-scrambling technology, which he illustrates by blasting some music or something. I totally don't know what's going on, but it's Marshall doing what he does best: being a super-geek. It's absolutely bloody hilarious. Love Marshall. Love him.
Okay, so, back at the money-laundering place. Syd and Noah rappel down from the ceiling, landing on a catwalk. They set up a bunch of equipment as the thumping sounds of Music to Spy To blasts into my cerebral cortex. Through a never-ending series of jump cuts and MTV-inspired green-tinged displays, we watch as Bunny feeds Sydney along a suspended rope.
As Syd makes her way down to some electronic thingy, we're back with Marshall again, who's techno-babbling about some wireless modem. Then we're back with Syd, whose actions illustrate, once again, that J.J. Abrams has a jones for Tom Cruise movies, because she's totally performing the scene from Mission: Impossible where Tom Cruise hangs from the ceiling and steals the N.O.C. list from the CIA. J.J.? Get help. NOW.
Blah blah blah, Syd works the modem, Bunny hacks into the system, the rope starts to unravel. Because they're using Marshall's handy wall-of-sound device, Bunny can't hear Sydney's cries for help. Just as he finishes downloading the info from the electronic thingy, the rope completely unravels and he catches it JUST IN TIME. Whew. Like we didn't see THAT coming. Right. Anyway, Syd manages to pull herself up, Bunny's wrist is totally bleeding, and they haul ass outta there.
Back at Double Agent Central, Spy Daddy's torturing himself by watching the archival footage of that evil Russian bitch. Spy Mommy tells her KGB guys that Spy Daddy was blinded by his emotions and therefore knew nothing about her clandestine activities. "Jack Bristow," she says, "was a fool." Man, she is one cold mackerel. I'm surprised she doesn't have gills and fins over here. Victor Garber flexes his considerable acting muscles and, with one tiny mouth twitch and a sideways glance, manages to convey that her last remark hits him where he lives.
And break!
CIA Hell-Lay. Spy Daddy mopes the halls and sees Dr. Nancy talking to some colleagues. She starts to walk past him and Spy Daddy stops her, asking if she has some time to talk to him that afternoon. "I'll make some time," she responds. I bet you will, you blonde psychoanalytical floozy. Does your husband Ken know about this? Tramp.
Institute for Weepy Guitar Solos and Failed Relationships. Syd enters and comes upon Francie and Willage playing a video game. Francie's sporting big frizzy pigtails that only serve to make her look like an adorable six-foot eight-year-old. Again, she and Willage are TOTALLY more fun to watch when they're together. Syd greets them and they both kind of look at her funny. Because she's an international spy who's adept at reading situations, Syd asks them what the hell is going on and why are they looking at her like that?
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you to a little bit of enjoyment that we call "The Story Line that Sucks Wind and Takes Far Too Long To Explore." Seriously? Willage and Francie confront Syd about the infamous ticket stub and she tells them this big freakin' lie that makes NO sense and just rambles on and on and on. Something about international clients and non-disclosure agreements and blah blah fucking BLAH. It's, like, the dumbest fucking lie EVER. The only thing keeping me interested in this scene is Francie's pigtails and if that isn't the fucking SADDEST THING EVER, then I don't know what.
After Syd retires to the Bathroom of Open Wounds and the Music that Seeps from Them, we're back at Credit Dauphine. Syd enters Marshall's cubbyhole and asks about the Calder situation. Marshall informs Syd that there was no data recovered from Bunny's laptop. Oh, really? What a shocker. Except, like, NOT. Syd scoots on over to the Conference Room of Endless Expositions where Bunny's kickin' it old style. Syd asks him if he's heard about the computer fiasco. Of course he has, you international spy idiot. HE'S THE ONE WHO ERASED IT. Like, DUH. If there's anyone out there who hasn't known that Bunny and his buckteeth were bad news all along, well, I want to shake your hand and buy you a king-sized margarita, my friend. Cluelessness like that should really be rewarded.
Syd's still under the impression that Bunny's a good little boy and talks to him about the whole Spy Mommy hunt. Bunny drools out that Syd will find her mother some day. Shut up, Spitzy. Syd sort of touches Bunny's wrist, which is bandaged, and asks how it's feeling. Bunny says something about stitches but, since I honestly can't even WATCH Peter Berg's mouth without wanting to run over to Target to pick up a turkey baster so I can DRAIN HIS MOUTH OF ALL FLUIDS, I'm not even paying any attention.
Uncle Arvin enters and says that, while he's disappointed about the computer glitch, he's confident that they'll get Calder. Sloane goes on to say something to Bunny about leaving the country and entering some program at a university, which, if I'm not mistaken, means ol' Bucky McBuckerton is heading back into deep undercover work. Uh-oh. No more nooky-nooky for Syd.
Syd gets flippy with Sloane about how Bunny just got out of deep undercover work and doesn't he think it's just a bit too soon for Sloane to send him out again? Especially considering that this is the first time that Syd's had sex in FIVE YEARS? Bunny drips that he volunteered for the assignment. D'oh!
Then we're on a beach somewhere and Syd's wearing a hideous brown vest. Seriously. It's fugly. Syd rightly assumes that Bunny's not going on deep undercover; he's running away from the big bad SD-6. Bunny wants Spy Barbie to join him. She's still stuck on the whole "My Mother Was a Russian Spy and All I Got Was This Bucktoothed Boyfriend" shtick, however, so traipsing off to some remote island with Spitzy Saliva-Pants isn't really an option for her. Spitzy hands her a ticket anyway, because he's a spit-drenched doofus, and tells her that he'll wait a week for her to make up her mind.
Okay, so, you know how Marshall's just inherently funny, even when he's really annoying? Well, now he's sprinting through the halls of SD-6 and, even though we're supposed to totally take this seriously, like something's rotten in the state of Spyhood, it's just so bloody funny watching Marshall's little wrestler legs pumping up and down so furiously. That's good TV, people.
Anyway, Marshall locates Sloane and gasps, "Mr. Sloane! Listen, I know I've been somewhat impressed with myself in the past, but this time I am like FREAKING OUT about my knowledge --" Sloane resignedly rolls his eyes and cuts in with, "Marshall, could you just tell me what --" Marshall gets to the frickin' point and tells Sloane that he managed to recover the data from Spitzy's computer. What's this mean? That's right. Calder. They got him. Oh, and, by the way? This whole scene between Sloane and Marshall? Hee. Hee hee. And, like, hee.
After a commercial break, during which we are forced to watch a trailer for what will most likely be yet another disastrous attempt made by Sandra Bullock to enter into dramatic non-girl--door roles, we're back in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions where Sloane's giving Syd and Dix the lowdown on the Calder situation. Syd and Dix are instructed to fly off to Australia and do a daylight snatch-n-grab and bring Calder back to SD-6 for questioning. Right. That is SO not gonna happen.
Sloane asks Dix to leave for a minute. Ew. Creepy. Dix leaves and Uncle Arvin tells Syd that he told her he'd get her closer to her mother. "I'm always here for you," he says. "You know that." Yuck. Oh, and GAH. And yuck again. And, yes, I still think Sloane's hot. You got a problem with that? Take it up with Dr. Fishcakes, okay? It's not like she hasn't heard THAT one before.
Oh, for God's sake. We're back at the House for Wayward Whinging and Gratuitous Guitar Plucking. Syd's packing. She comes upon Spitzy's ticket and stares at it just as the phone rings. Two guesses who it is: (A) Spitzy Saliva-Pants calling to tell Syd to drop everything and run away with him or (B) Dr. Phil calling to tell Syd to GET OFF HER ASS AND GET A FUCKING CLUE. Yeah, so it's "A." Whatever.
Spitzy's all, I'm a billion miles up in the air and I'm just thinking of you. Syd's all, awww, that's sweet. Did you bring enough floss? Spitzy's all, yes, of course I did. And, by the way, thanks so much for that eight-hundred-yard econo pack you gave me. It should last me about a week. You're the best international-spy non-girlfriend a guy could ever ask for! Syd's all, oh, thanks honey! But I'm still not going to run away with you so stop ASKING.
Spitzy's all, fine, whatever, any word on Calder? Syd, who for some reason now may actually be getting a clue, says they haven't found anything on him. Their call ends much later than I'd like and Syd hangs up the phone with an expression of regret and longing. Or she's just pouting or something. It's hard to tell. The phone rings again and, instead of Dr. Phil's voice shouting out, "DROP THE BUCKTOOTHED WONDER," we just hear someone say, "Joey's Pizza?" Looks like it's time to get some platonic non-lovin' from Agent Amorous.
Subbasement of Dreams and Desires. Agent Amorous says that Devlin knows Syd's going to Australia and he'll be expecting a full report. Syd asks if there's been any word on The Snowman. Nope. Vaughn's still waiting on Scar Boy to call him back. Agent Amorous, sensing that something's up with Syd, asks her what's going on and takes a seat opposite her. He tells her that she can talk to him anytime, off the record, on the QT and very hush-hush. Of course, he's hoping that she's going to tell him that she wants him to strip down to his Joe Boxers and do her right there on the subbasement floor. Syd says she's fine and the scene ends without a half-naked Vaughn for our troubles.
The Land of Vegemite and Russell Crowe's Enormous, Erm, Ego. In broad daylight, Syd and Dix and their team of snatch-n-grabbers are preparing to make their move on Calder's house.
At the same time, in Vaughn's office, the phone rings and he picks up. It's Scar Boy. He's got the goods on Snowman.
Back at Calder's, Syd approaches the house and finds it weird that there aren't any guards around. She spies an open door and, instead of wisely stepping back and aborting the operation, she creeps up to the door and looks inside. At this point, "creeping," as it were, is really fucking useless because IT'S NOON. Hello? Just walk up to the damn door, ring the damn doorbell, and do your damn business.
On the floor just inside the door is a dead guard. There's a big-ass pool of blood under his head but, just to make sure, Syd takes his pulse. Yes, because gaping head wounds are known for, like, NOT MAKING YOU DEAD.
Back at CIA Hell-Lay. Vaughn scrambles up to Agent Sean and tells him that The Snowman has been sent after Calder as well and can they get a warning to Syd in time? Nope, says Agent Sean.
And we're back at Calder's. Syd's literally swooshing around the house while she talks to Dixon on her headset, informing him that there are three dead guards in the house. Like, she's twirling around the house, people. She's totally not watching her back or hugging the walls or doing anything other than showing off her impressive set of abs. If this were the real world, she'd be dead already.
Wait. Did I just say that? THE REAL WORLD? What in the HELL am I talking about? In the "real world" not one single premise or plot line on this show could feasibly exist. Man, I so need to start drinking heavily. If I'm even mentioning words like "real" or "reality" in any reference to this damn show, I need to spend some quality time with Mr. Tom Collins and Ms. Bloody Mary.
Syd hears a commotion in the kitchen and runs in the other direction, directly out the door and down the hill, and jumps into the van and drives into Melbourne and treats herself to a manicure and a nice bottle of Moet Chandon. Except that she so runs right into the kitchen. She comes upon the startling scene of a black-masked man plunging an ice pick into Calder's chest. Syd launches into full-on bitch attack, even though, like, if she had a gun or something? This would SO be over by now.
Syd and Masked Man go at it for a few minutes, using various kitchen items to attack each other. Syd finally gets a lucky break when Masked Man actually FALLS onto a knife. WhatEVER. Yeah, I know she was brandishing it originally but, like, I love how they never have Syd actually consciously KILL someone. Like, she's the sweetest international spy EVER!
Syd rolls Masked Man over and notices then that his left wrist is bandaged. She rolls up his mask and sees the puckery bucktoothed visage of Spitzy Saliva-Pants. He gasps something about how he tried to keep her from "all this" and then quickly, thankfully, kicks the damn bucket. Syd just weeps and snots all over him as Dixon arrives and just looks down at her and her dead non-boyfriend.
So long, Bucky Bunny Spitzy DiDroolio. We hardly knew ya.
on Alias: Actually, it starts in about an hour and a half so, really, you'll probably see the damn show before you read the bloody recap. Sorry, dudes. It was my birthday weekend. I'm a little, well, frail at the moment. AND NO CRACKS ABOUT MY AGE. Shut up. No, YOU shut up.