Previously on Alias: Spitzy Saliva-Pants caught a knife in the gut, courtesy of our little Spy Barbie. Yay! The Bucktoothed Ex-Non-Boyfriend is dead!
We open up on a shot of Spy Barbie, now nearly comatose with the grief and sorrow associated with offing one's ex-non-boyfriend, getting her hand wrapped up in preparation for a little sparring session. In a mini-flashback, Spy Daddy is standing at Syd's desk saying how sorry he was to hear about Spitzy. Syd, who has now been rendered speechless by the repeating image of Cottonmouth McDumbass expiring in her arms, says nothing.
Then we're back for a moment with the sparring Syd. , Syd's telling Vaughn that she killed a man, in case we all missed the last episode, the previews for this week's episode, the recap, and the crack in the ozone layer that was created when Drippy D'Notgonnabearoundanymore's soul escaped his body. Agent Affirmation tells Syd that Drippy was an assassin and that if she hadn't killed him, he most likely would have killed her. And then we're back to the sparring.
Back, once again, with Agent Affirmation, Syd's spilling her "I'm a Reluctant Spy" sob story. She comes to the realization that she's not in this just to bring Dead Fiancé's killers to justice, she's in it for the revenge. Um, that's what bringing Dead Fiancé's killers to justice means, Syd. REVENGE. And don't knock revenge, okay? I'm currently developing a toxic form of marijuana that renders one impotent and grossly overweight for the pure purpose of secretly inserting it into a certain someone's one-hitter when he's not looking and then cackling when his new bizarro girlfriend leaves him because he's a no-good fat slacker who can't get it up. Revenge is sweet, my friends. And don't let anyone tell you any different.
Syd wraps up her three-tissue saga with the declaration that she feels that she's no longer trying to bring SD-6 down, but that she's now on their side. Agent Affirmation whips out (shut up!) some laminated chart that shows how huge SD-6 was when Syd first started working with him. Then he flips over some clear sheet that shows how sort-of-not-huge SD-6 is today. It's really not that much of a difference, but there are a lot of little red circles with slashes through them all over the place so I guess we're supposed to assume that Syd's actually making progress here.
"Kasineau's out there," says Syd. "My mom is out there." Agent Amorous assures her that they'll find both of them. Syd then says she has to go to class. Class? CLASS? We're still on this? God, just drop the damn university thing already, okay? This is the first time it's even been mentioned in ages and nobody in the audience seems to give a shit so, like, LET IT GO.
Syd gets up to leave but, before she exits, Agent Amorous grabs an ice pack from a first-aid kit and gently places it on Syd's hand, which was bloodied during the spliced-in sparring scenes. He tells her to take care of herself and she leaves.
Sisters are Not Doin' It For Themselves Central. Willage is on all fours (hee!), groping around behind the fridge. It would seem that Francie thinks they have rats because she heard some scritching and scratching back there. Willage wants to go to the hardware store to pick up some traps, but Francie declares that they need "a professional, a hit man." Too bad Spitzy's dead. He'd take care of those rats with a switchblade and a smile in no time at all.
Before Willage can pick up the phone and dial "Ratkillers, Inc." his cellphone rings. It's Deep Throat, back for more anonymous and baffling fun. Willage runs outside. Deep Throat's chastising him for not publishing the story about SD-6. Willage is all, dude, I WAS KIDNAPPED. You write the damn story, okay? I'm gonna go eat some Ding-Dongs. Deep Throat is all, hey Mr. Scaredy-Britches, it was just a bluff. Run down to the local morgue, pick up a new backbone, and publish the damn story already! Willage is all, bugger off freaknut, and hangs up.
Deep Throat's a persistent voice-without-a-body, though, and calls right back. Willage is all, dude, WHAT'D I SAY? Don't call me again, okay? Deep Throat trumps him by announcing that his kidnapper was none other than Jack Bristow.
D'oh!
After the break, we're back at the House of Hysterics and Useless Plotlines. Syd enters, looking jagged, and Francie literally pops up from behind the kitchen counter like a jack-in-the-box and informs her that they have rats. She goes on to say that the exterminator's coming between noon and three and does Syd think she can hang around for him? Syd's unavailable because she has to run off to Borneo or something in search of her bitch of a mother. Or she has a "symposium" or some such shit. Unfortunately, Francie's busy as well.
They both look over at Willage. "What?" he says. "I don't live here." "Then why are you always here?" asks Syd. Ha! That is TOTALLY a shout-out. Without a doubt. And it's an excellent question. Why is Willage always at their house? Doesn't he have a home? Or does he just live in a leaky cardboard box DOWN BY THE RIVER?
Willage protests at first, but then Syd flicks on the dimples and Willage agrees to roam around their house and rifle through her underwear drawers and sniff her deodorant. And here's where the whole "rats" storyline comes to its full realization. Francie goes on this silly tirade about how rats are clever and how you can't just leave out cheese and expect them to come 'n' get it. "You have to leave out the good stuff," she says. "You know, the heavy-duty stuff. The stuff that they want. That's the only way that they're going to come out. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time."
Syd gets this look of dawning enlightenment across her face as the Excessive Electronica of Ominous Ominousity plays. thing you know, Syd's down in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires telling Vaughn that they can get Kasineau to come to them. The Rambaldi Solution. Remember that little vial of liquid that took Shovelhead two damn episodes to unsuccessfully steal? Yeah. That one. Kasineau wants it and Syd thinks they should give it to him.
Captain Forehead then pays a visit to Devlin to discuss Syd's potential plan of action. Now, because we ALL know what the damn "solution" is and what it's used for, I'm just going to cut to the chase on this scene and tell y'all that Syd is suggesting that they go to Kasineau and pretend there's another vial and try to sell it to him. Look. Her plan is MUCH more complex than this but, like, it's so convoluted and bizarre and requires, like, NINE PAGES TO EXPLAIN, so, uh, here it is in a nutshell. Warning: this will be boring and completely unfunny, but it'll be concise, okay? Don't bitch at me because the writers apparently have ADD and watch too many early-seventies spy capers.
Deep breath.
Kasineau thinks the vial is still at SD-6. Syd wants to pretend there's another one. Vaughn wants to know how they'll do that. There's a museum in Algeria that Sloane thought had possession of some Rambaldi artifacts. Sloane sent a team to steal them. The mission failed and Sloane had the team executed before they could talk. So, for all intents and purposes, there still exists a supposed cache of Rambaldi artifacts in Algeria.
Another deep breath.
Syd wants to break into the museum and steal a bunch of shit and then start spreading rumors about what exactly was taken and let Kasineau get wind of the booty (yes, somehow, that sounds rather gross, doesn't it?) and think that someone has possession of another vial of Rambaldi goo and of course he'll want it and of course Syd and Vaughn will contact Kasineau about a black market sale.
Whoo. That was a doozy. I'm winded. Looks like it's time for Julio, my wayward houseboy with six-pack abs, to bring Mistress a refreshing cocktail. Julio! Vodka and tonic for the Mistress! And be quick about it, or no Skinemax for you later tonight.
Devlin's not really interested in backing an operation that involves stealing precious items from a museum. Vaughn assures him that they'll sell all the items back to the museum via back channels, whatever that means. The whole point is to get Kasineau to notice the theft and think they have a duplicate ampoule. The kicker? Vaughn wants to go with Sydney. Devlin's all, I don't think so Desk Boy. Vaughn's all, but I lurrrrrve her. Oh, and she'll be working for us, not SD-6, so she'll need backup.
While Devlin just stares at Vaughn like he's grown another forehead to accompany his litany of creases, Agent A-Team is all, we're gonna pose as insurance agents or somethin' and we're gonna inspect the security system and blah blah blah you gettin' all this? Syd managed to download the mission specs from the apparently easy-to-get-into SD-6 mainframe, so she knows all about the security system and how to bust it. Agent A-Team finishes up his Devlin discussion by saying that this is their best shot at Kasineau. Devlin succinctly says, "Do it."
Finally, back in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires, Syd gets assurance from Vaughn that he'll deal with the op-tech and then informs him that she has to go to the hospital to visit with Sloane's Cancer-Ridden Wife, a.k.a. "Aunt Emily." Agent Amorous tells Syd that he's sorry about Aunt Emily. God. He's so transparent. Just nail her already, okay? Jesus.
Meanwhile, Willage is hanging out at Chick Music, Ltd. waiting on the rat exterminator. Willage is on the phone, trying to get the number for the pest control place. He goes to get a pen in order to write the number down, pulls open a drawer, shoves past a picture of Spy Daddy, grabs a big black marker, and starts to write down the number. There's a knock at the door and Willage rightly assumes it's the rat dude. The guy enters and Willage shows him where the problem is and, for some strange reason, I get the feeling that this "rat dude" is bad news. Don't know why. Maybe I have trust issues.
After hovering over Rat Dude for a minute, Willage conveniently glances over at the open drawer and just NOW notices the picture of Spy Daddy. He goofballs over and picks up the picture. While Rat Dude starts asking Willage if he has kids or household pets or plants that need watering, Willage pulls out some plastic wrap, places it over the picture, grabs the marker and draws a little black mask over Spy Daddy's face. That was awfully considerate of him to use the plastic wrap and not ruin the picture. I'm not sure I'd be all that thoughtful. Of course, I'm the girl who recently went through all her old pictures and drew devil horns and goatees all over the face of the guy who should die in a bizarre gouda cheese incident as soon as possible, so I don't really think "thoughtful" is part of my repertoire.
Anyway, after drawing the Magic Marker mask over Spy Daddy's face, Willage has the stunning epiphany that it was indeed Spy Daddy who kidnapped his sorry ass oh-so-recently. Yes, this entire scene is totally contrived. No, it doesn't really make sense. Yes, it furthers the plot rather conveniently. No, I don't really care. Yes, Willage's hair looks rather dashing in this scene and I find myself kind of digging his chili and I don't really want to talk about it right now.
St. Somewhere Else Hospital. Auntie Em's crashed out in a hospital bed looking much worse than the last time we saw her. Syd enters with a box of candy. Yes, because chemo patients are ALL about eating. Syd takes a seat and it's then that I notice that her makeup is FABULOUS. Her eyes are all lined with black and her lipstick rocks. I guess killing her ex-non-boyfriend really agrees with her. Maybe I should consider that. If I off Wedge, maybe I'll get a killer wardrobe, become a rogue double agent AND get myself a wicked makeover at M.A.C. Hmmm. Note to self: learn jujitsu and pick up weapon of extreme silence and ultimate sharpness. Second note to self: make appointment at nearest M.A.C. counter.
Syd says that she's sorry Auntie Em has to go through this and Auntie Em just asks Syd to tell her something happy. Since nothing happy has happened in Syd's life since 1984 when she attended the Duran Duran concert and managed to catch John Taylor's sweaty towel, it takes her a few minutes to come up with something. She tells Auntie Em that she's got a week off from work, which is nothing considering that Uncle Arvin owes her, like, fifty comp days. Auntie Em, in her current state of extreme drugginess, takes the leap and asks Sydney if she can offer some advice.
Auntie Em tells Sydney to concentrate on friends and family because, years from now, when she looks back, work won't seem that important. "Even your job," she concludes. "Even working for SD-6." D'oh! Auntie Em is completely unaware that her entire room is being watched by some SD-6 lackey at the moment. Auntie Em blathers on about SD-6 and losing perspective, but it doesn't really matter because Auntie Em is one dead mutha right now. Syd wants to know when Uncle Arvin spilled the beans. He didn't. Auntie Em just picked up clues over the years.
As Auntie Em manages to make it clear to Sydney that she doesn't really know precisely what SD-6 is (she's proud of our dear Uncle Arvin, instead of being AFRAID of him), the SD-6 lackey is busy communicating Auntie Em's little security breach to the head office.
Speaking of the head office...Spy Daddy's hanging out in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Syd enters, gives Spy Daddy a look, and he quickly shuts the doors and activates his little "room cleaner," which gives them two minutes to talk without being heard. Syd spills the beans about Auntie Em knowing about SD-6. Spy Daddy already knows. "It's too late," he says. "Your conversation was recorded." Syd's all, and? Spy Daddy's all, information about SD-6 must be treated like a virus, so, pretty much, Auntie Em's gonna be given a little anti-viral action. "There is only one response," says Spy Daddy. "Containment."
Syd's all, there's no way Uncle Arvin would kill his own wife. Spy Daddy's all, um, think again, sistah. The final decision won't be made until Uncle Arvin meets with the head of SD-6 security but, I'm here to tell ya, she's one dead mutha. "[Sloane's] the only one who can save her now," finishes Spy Daddy.
Syd slow-mos out of the conference room as generically drippy electronica plays over the soundtrack. She looks down the hall at Uncle Arvin, who's sitting in his office staring off into space. She speeds back up to a normal pace and enters his office.
"The time off I asked for last week?" Syd says. "I'd still like to take it. Would that be all right?" Uncle Arvin wakes from his reverie and asks where she's going. She tells him she's going to the desert. "Yeah," he says quietly, his eyes closing a bit. "Yes. Of course." Syd thanks him. "The desert," he says with a sad smile on his face. "Hmmm." Then he doesn't say anything at all and just looks completely broken as Sydney leaves his office.
Man. You know what? Ron Rifkin rocks my world. Like, he's this evil son-of-a-bitch but, in scenes like these, where he's all dealing with his personal shit, he's so, I don't know, sad and cute and I just want to gather him up in my arms and tell him it's all gonna be okay -- oh, wow. I just crossed over, man. I have officially lost it.
Excuse me while I summon Julio for another vodka and tonic and then order him to beat me about the head and shoulders with the remote control. Julio! JULIO! Another cocktail for Mistress! And bring the remote control! And this time, NO SHIRT!
Aaaah. Much better now.
Algeria: Land of Oil, Blue Men of the Desert, and Couscous. After our standard establishing shot of a foreign country that was most likely stolen from the Travel Channel's archives, we're at the museum watching Sydney speak in a hideous French accent to a bunch of Arabic-speaking Armani-suited men about testing their security system. Then we're treated to one of the mini-flashbacks where Agent A-Team is telling Syd that once they're in, they'll have to separate and Syd will have to go inspect the security grid and the exhibition space while he'll handle the shutdown from the control room. He shows her a special doo-dad in the shape of a pack of gum that will allow him to interrupt the security cameras for 180 seconds so she can work undetected. 180 seconds sure as hell isn't a lot of time, is it? Methinks there's a time-constrained action scene coming up soon...
Back to present, Agent A-Team is in the control room getting ready for the shutdown. He, like Sydney, is also speaking in a hideous French accent, which, considering that Michael Vartan is actually FRENCH, is remarkably stupid. Anyway, the Algerian museum guys shut down the security system, Agent A-Team whips out (again, shut up!) the doo-dad and activates it, and the security system comes back up. The cameras, however, do not.
And we're back to the mini-flashback. Like, I totally get why they do these things and, as a watcher, I'm grateful because it furthers the plot without a lot of draggy exposition but, like, it's REALLY hard to write about it. Yeah, I know, just shut up and write.
Anyway, mini-flashback. Vaughn's saying something about shutting down the ventilation system. Syd responds that this will allow her to gain access to the air shaft without getting sliced and diced by the fans. Back in the control room, Agent Accent requests that they shut down the ventilation system. Elsewhere in the museum, Spy Barbie brings her escort down with a couple of swift hits from her clipboard. She runs through the halls until she winds up at an air vent.
Spy Barbie removes the grate (or whatever the hell you call it) and pulls out her handy-dandy automatic grappling hook. She shoots it up into the air shaft and it locks onto the non-operational fan grid. She swings out into the shaft (hee...I just wrote "shaft"...hee!) and lowers herself down into the darkness.
And break! Fill up the chips, grab the dips, pour the drinks, and get yer heinies back to the sofa. Julio! You know what to do and you know the way I like it. Shake that thang...
Control Room of Bad Accents and Guys Who Really Should Understand French Because THIS IS ALGERIA, NOT SIBERIA. Agent Accent requests that the heating system be taken off-line. Why? You think I know? I don't pay attention to this shit. Syd's lowering herself down the shaft (hee!) as another Vaughn mini-flashback informs us that the vault room is located sixty-seven feet below the main level. Yeah, I don't really know or care what he's talking about.
Syd makes it out of the shaft and makes her way over to the vault as the mini-flashback lets us know that the little ID bracelet that Vaughn gives her isn't a going-steady token but is, instead, a high-tech device that will not only crack the vault but short the alarm system as well. Where do they get these wonderful toys?
Back in the present, Syd uses the ID bracelet and quickly enters the vault. She fills her messenger bag with a bunch of useless pieces of ancient crap. Up in the control room, all hell's about to break loose. Some random Algerian guy enters all spooled up in a Mediterranean lather because of the system shutdown. He orders the power to be restored. Agent Accent gets lippy with Lather Dude in his hideous French accent and then turns to his interpreter and spews out the most glorious stream of actual French that I've ever heard.
The translation, supplied to me by my Quebec connection Marco Jean, is, "If you wouldn't let us do our work, you should have told us before we made all the arrangements to come here." Thanks, Marco. But, really, does it matter what Vaughn says? Because, honestly? He could have said, "My monkey lives in the tree and the napkin is under the table" and I still would have dropped to the floor in a heap of restless passion. Have I mentioned that I have issues? I believe that I have. Moving on.
Lather Dude tells his trusty fat henchman to escort Agent Accent and his non-girlfriend to the nearest exit. Then he orders the system to be turned back on. Unfortunately, Syd's not quite finished yet. She's still in the vault and, when the system is turned on, the fan that's hanging onto her grappling hook thingy starts spinning, thereby rapidly reeling in the attached rope. Again, unfortunately, Syd is still attached to the rope. Sigh. What's a girl to do?
Well, if you're not Sydney, you just get pulled up into the air shaft and hope your death by fan is swift and painless. Of course, this is Spy Barbie we're talking about so she manages to grab onto the edge of the vent where she entered the shaft in the first place. Too bad she lets the cellphone loaded with plastic explosives drop off her belt. Can you say "boom"? Syd launches herself out of the shaft just in time and meets up with Agent Accent in the lobby of the museum. They have a coded bad-accent moment wherein Agent Accent asks if she finished her work. "Barely," she responds as the security alarm goes off.
Newspaper of No Importance Whatsoever. Willage approaches that Brit girl from several episodes back. Remember her? The one with the congratulatory cake? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, he walks up, turns up her music, and whispers in her ear about something. thing we know, they're outside somewhere, and Brit Girl is bitching at Willage about giving her more details. "You were kidnapped...by a --" she sputters. Willage has opened his big fat mouth, I guess. He hands her his article and tells her that, if anything should happen to him, like, say, IF HE SHOULD DIE, she has to publish the article. "Why would something happen?" she asks. "Because I'm gonna go see my kidnapper," says Willage, looking for all the world like he just wet himself.
And now it's time for the Willraldo Rivera show! (tm SpyDaddyRulez)
Willraldo is hanging out somewhere in his jeep. Spy Daddy exits a building and Willraldo follows him. Turns out, Spy Daddy isn't heading off on some super-secret double-agent mission; no, he's just heading to the local bar for his daily dose of Glenfiddich. Willraldo shows up and sits down to him. "There are a few things we need to talk about," says Willraldo, not looking directly at Spy Daddy. "And, uh, quite frankly...you scare me. So, I'd rather talk about it in a public place." Heh. Heh heh. Will's cracking my shit up in this scene. This is bad. This is really bad. I AM LIKING WILL. Shoot me.
Willraldo orders a beer and Spy Daddy asks him what he wants to talk about. Will's all, let's chat about Sydney first. "Does she know that you kidnapped me?" he says, getting right to the point, which is making me like him more. Did I say shoot me? Yeah. Do it. DO IT NOW. Spy Daddy actually LAUGHS, a first for this show, and tells Willraldo that he's mistaking him for someone else. Willraldo spews out the details about his story and how, if he dies, it'll get published.
Spy Daddy's all, dude. You seem kinda tense. Will's all, yeah, you'd be tense too if some weird guy was calling you up and telling you that your non-girlfriend's father kidnapped you. Victor Garber manages to communicate with a simple twitch of his eyes that this is SO not kosher with him. Will babbles on about Deep Throat and all the hints and clues he's providing Will with.
"Now, I don't know if you work for SD-6 or if you're responsible for the deaths of Daniel Hecht and Eloise Kurtz," says Will. "I don't even know if you're protecting Sydney or if she needs to be protected from you! But just tell me what you know! Convince me that you put Sydney's interests first. That in some sick, bizarre twist of fate, you and I are on the same side."
Spy Daddy just glares at Willraldo. "My concern for Sydney," rasps Spy Daddy, "is not yours to judge." Oooh, shivers. Will repeats that he wants Spy Daddy to convince him by helping him to put a stop to whatever is going on. In return for Spy Daddy's help, Will offers to help find out just who Deep Throat is. "Because," says Will, tossing money on the bar, "I got a feeling that he's somebody you'd like to meet." Heh. Heh heh. Dammit! I don't want to like Will! Gah!
After the break, wherein ABC informs me that Jami Gertz will be portraying Gilda Radner in an upcoming biopic, something I did NOT need to know, we're at some random house somewhere and a dog is barking and Spy Daddy's standing at a door and Devlin's walking up, tying his robe closed. Devlin dismisses the security guard that accompanied Spy Daddy. "There's been a breach," says Spy Daddy. "Without containment, our entire operation could be compromised."
Devlin wants to know who the source is. Spy Daddy's best guess is Steven Haladki, a.k.a. "The Weasel." How appropriate that nickname seems now...Devlin questions Spy Daddy's supposition that The Weasel is responsible. Spy Daddy serves up a shopping list of reasons why The Weasel is the squealer. Devlin brings up something about The Weasel filing a report on The Prophecy and how there was mention of Spy Daddy threatening him at gunpoint in order to get Sydney's whereabouts during her questioning. God, this scene is useless. If it weren't for Victor Garber...
Spy Daddy's all, dude, I used that info to free my kid from a veritable witch hunt, okay? You need to get surveillance on The Weasel like NOW. Devlin's all, bring it down a notch, Geronimo. I hear what yer sayin' and I'll respond accordingly, 'kay? In the meantime, STOP TELLING ME HOW TO DO MY BLOODY JOB. Devlin goes on to say that Spy Daddy's a good agent, but lately he's been acting a bit, well, tweaky. He threatens that, if he hears of one more instance of Spy Daddy acting off book, he's done. Finished. Kaput. He shuts the door in Spy Daddy's face and Spy Daddy just looks at the pavement in search of a good reason for this entire scene being included in this episode.
Ah, the Music of Mournful Musings and Expired Ex-Lovers. I missed it so. Syd's hanging out at The Maxi-Pad, lost in thought, as Francie rambles on about sending Willage flowers and a card as a thank-you for baby-sitting the rodents. Suddenly, Syd spits out that she had sex with someone. Francie's all, seriously, dude, what should the card say? Syd doesn't answer and Francie realizes that Sydney did, in fact, have sex with someone.
Sensing a juicy story, Francie moves over to the sofa where Syd's parked. Syd tells Francie that it was Spitzy Saliva-Pants. Francie is NOT amused. Syd goes on to say something about how she and Spitzy picked up where they left off and that it didn't end well. Francie tries to give Syd the he's-not-good- enough-for-you- and-you're-better- off-without-him speech, but Syd's not buying it.
That speech, for the record, never works. I spent the better portion of two years deluding myself that Wedge was the perfect man for me and when he finally dumped my ass, Sars and Lena and Neets and Wendy all valiantly gave me their versions of that speech and, like Syd, I totally didn't buy it. I buy it NOW but, then, I'm currently contemplating breaking into his apartment with a collection of Italian snuff films, some recently purchased S&M toys, an array of human organs retrieved from the local county hospital, and a small barnyard animal, and placing them strategically around his apartment just so his current frightshow girlfriend will walk in one night, look around, and go, "Um, dude? I am SO outta here."
Issues? Got 'em in spades, people.
Yeah, so, anyway, Francie tries to boost Syd's spirits. However, due to the melancholy strains of chick music in the air, Syd's spirits are not really ripe for boosting. She informs Francie that Spitzy's time has come and gone (and how!). Francie says something about being nice to him if he happens to call. Well, unless that call's coming collect from the local graveyard, I'd say Francie doesn't really need to worry about her hospitality skills.
Marshall's Office of Gadgets, Goo-Gahs, and Gregarious Gabbiness. Uncle Arvin enters and asks for the last bio-scan on Edward Poole. In case you don't remember, Edward Poole is that SD-6 guy portrayed by Roger Moore. Yeah, I didn't remember either. Right. So, Sloane enters and Marshall's fitzing around with some paper construction. Turns out it's a pop-up book that he's working on. He quickly shoves it away when Sloane enters and excuses it by saying that it helps clear his mind and Sloane can feel free to dock him any amount --
We're saved from further Marshall-isms by the computer screen producing the bio-scan of Edward Poole. No, I'm not really sure why this bio-scan is important, but I'm sure we'll find out. Apparently, Double-Oh-Geritol had two cellphones on him when he went through security. Again, no idea. Sloane mentions something about having one cellphone number for Poole and how he ran a tap on it but couldn't find anything on Kasineau. His thoughts are interrupted when he looks out into the SD-6 offices and sees a rather ominous-looking man strutting around. We know he's ominous because the Piano Chords of Ominous-Looking Men Walking Around SD-6 are heard. Sloane demands that Marshall get him the other cellphone number RIGHT NOW and leaves.
Ominous-Looking Man is hanging out in Sloane's office. Sloane enters and OLM says something about how difficult this must be for Sloane. "My wife is dying," says Sloane after consulting his palm with his nose. "She has lymphoma." OLM tells him that he knows all about it. "This isn't an issue of confirmation," he says. "No," says Sloane. "No. This is an issue of decency." "The time and date have been set," says OLM. Sloane springs out of his chair. "She is my wife!" he hisses, barely under control. Oooh! I just love it when Uncle Arvin gets pissed.
OLM is unfazed by this outburst. "I am not going to just sit back and allow you to eliminate her," says Sloane, gritting his teeth. OLM blathers on about how, when he joined the Alliance, Jean (remember that French guy Sloane killed in Montreal? Yeah, THAT guy) was his closest friend and mentor. He goes on to say that, when Jean was murdered, he didn't talk about "decency"; he just sucked it up and dealt. Sloane consults his palm again and says something about Jean's murder being a tragedy and how he's trying to prevent another.
OLM babbles something about the Alliance knowing about Sloane's disregard for policy while pursuing Kasineau and that a show of priorities on Sloane's part is in order. Sloane slowly gets up from his chair and says, "Are you suggesting that I allow you to kill my wife to enhance my standing within the Alliance?" They stare at each other while the Music of Ominous-Looking Men and the Wife-Killing Threats They Bring flows through our brains.
Newspaper of No Importance Whatsoever. Will's sitting at his desk, most likely surfing the Internet for pictures of a naked Jennifer Garner, when the mail guy drops off an envelope with Will's name on it. Will opens it and reads the enclosed note.
thing we know, we're watching as Will pulls up to some random warehouse district where Spy Daddy's waiting for him. "I work in intelligence," spits Spy Daddy. "That is all you need to know." Willraldo correctly assumes that Credit Dauphine is a front company. Spy Daddy tells Willraldo that they'll only meet when and where Spy Daddy decides and to never, EVER, under any circumstances, contact him.
Willraldo has the journalist bug, however, and presses Spy Daddy on whether or not "intelligence" means "SD-6." Spy Daddy's all, dude, let's go after this Deep Throat dillweed first, okay? Everything else will come later. "Does Sydney know?" asks Willraldo. Spy Daddy doesn't answer. "Jack," says Willraldo, sporting the first signs of an actual backbone. "Is your daughter a part of this?" "No, she's not," sneers Spy Daddy. Willraldo breathes a sigh of relief and Spy Daddy asks if he has a way of contacting Deep Throat.
"Yeah," says Willraldo. "Yeah. I have a transmitter. It's, uh, it's a pin. I found it in a box of stuff belonging to Eloise Kurtz." Spy Daddy contemplates this. Willraldo notices Spy Daddy's expression and asks him whassup. Spy Daddy informs him that he placed that pin on Eloise Kurtz. Willraldo starts thinking out loud and babbling on about how his geek friend said the pin was government issue and how Spy Daddy hired her to impersonate Kate Jones and how when Eloise Kurtz said too much -- good Lord! Willraldo leaps back about eight feet. "You had her killed!" says Willraldo, wondering why in the HELL he didn't bring along his Swiss Army Knife.
Spy Daddy tells Willraldo that he didn't kill her, but he bears some responsibility for her death, as does Willraldo. "Focus, Mr. Tippin!" Spy Daddy snaps. "Do as I instruct or more people will die." Willraldo tries desperately to shove his heart back down into his chest where it belongs and stammers something about trying to contact Deep Throat and setting up a meeting. Spy Daddy's all, dude! If you try to set up a meeting, you'll only tip the moron off! Contact him, tell him you know it was me who kidnapped your sorry ass and that you're terrified and then tell him that you're back on the story. "This meeting never took place," finishes Spy Daddy, getting into his car and peeling out. Willraldo just stands there looking scared and makes a mental note to purchase a box of Depends before his meeting with Spy Daddy.
Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Sloane's telling Dixon about Edward Poole and how he's a bad, bad man. Marshall pipes in about his cellphone-recovery venture but, before we can hear what hoogedy-boogedy crap he has to say, we're transported via splice cut to the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires.
Agent Amorous and Spy Barbie come together (no, not like that!) with these big grins on their faces. "I take it you've seen the news?" says Agent Amorous. "It's sorta perfect, right?" says Syd, all happy with herself. She wants to know if Agent Amorous has contacted the broker. Yup. It's all taken care of. There's this whole scene of give and take between these two about the set-up and, really, it's sorta pointless. Suffice it to say, Vaughn set up the black market meet and he asked for ten million for the Rambaldi solution, and then there's something about giving them the SAT phone and something about Spy Daddy disabling the SAT phone intercept or something.
Seriously, dudes? I have no idea what in the hell is going on. There's ten minutes left of this damn episode and I don't know what a SAT phone is or why it can be intercepted or what the -- oh, wait, Marshall's talking now.
Okay. Deep breath. Marshall says that he was able to intercept signals between Poole's phone and the COM tower and this somehow enabled him to get a tap on the phone and get a phone number being dialed. From this dialed phone number, SD-6 was able to run a tap on Kasineau's phone. Man, my brain hurts. Time for more vodka. Julio!
Back in the Subbasement of Dreams and Desires, Vaughn's saying something about hearing from the broker just this morning and that Kasineau's willing to pay double the asking price in diamonds. Syd wants to know if Kasineau's going to meet them. Nope. He's sending my Ewan McGregor look-alike boyfriend, Sark.
And back at the Conference Room of Endless Expositions, Sloane informs Dixon that they've downloaded the text of a conversation between Kasineau and Sark involving the ampoule of Rambaldi goop. Once again, we're back in the Subbasement. Vaughn says that the black market meet involves each side being allowed one principal and only two backups in the marketplace. Back with Sloane, he tells Dixon, "If they bring two, we bring four."
Back with Vaughn, he tells Sydney that when she and Sark meet, they'll both be able to test each other's merchandise. Therefore, Syd has to bring the real Rambaldi ampoule with her, along with a fake that contains a radioactive isotope that can be tracked via satellite. Thankfully, they're both conveniently marked with labels that read "REAL RAMBALDI LIQUID" and "TOTALLY FAKE RAMBALDI LIQUID," you know, just so Syd doesn't get confused or anything.
"So," says Sydney, "when Sark brings the solution to Kasineau, he'll be bringing us along as well?" And we're back with Sloane. The pursuit of Rambaldi is incomplete without the ampoule, apparently. "In order to recover it," says Sloane, "you are authorized to use all necessary force. Is that understood?" Yeah, Dixon gets it. He's not happy about it, but he gets it.
Alrighty, we're back in the Subbasement again. Vaughn's worried that Sark may have seen Sydney back when she was practically in his lap in the Russian mannequin warehouse. Syd's confident that Sark didn't see her, even though she was nearly licking his earlobe, but, even if he did see her, he won't recognize her because she'll be dressed as a Middle Eastern drag queen. Or something. Agent Amorous is all worried because Sark's a sadistic murdering madman. Syd recognizes this as Vaughn's suggestion to bring someone else in on the job; she's not having any of it. "This is my op," she says confidently. "Okay," says Agent Amorous reluctantly. "We leave for Denpasar tonight."
Denpasar. Yeah, try to find something funny to say about that. We see Dixon, dressed in a garish Hawaiian shirt and a golf cap that are supposed to make him look like a tourist but just wind up making him look like he has terrible taste in clothing, walking through an airport.
Huh. Strange time for a commercial break but, like, whatever. I'll take this opportunity to visit the facilities and order another drink. More limes this time, Julio! And bring Mistress a clean ashtray!
Newspaper of No Importance Whatsoever and, Obviously, No Newsworthy Stories. Willraldo stares for a moment at the spy-pin and then picks it up. He speaks into it. "Hi. I don't know if you can hear me or not, but I've thought about it. I'm back on the story." He picks up his cellphone and stares at it, willing (hee!) it to ring. Dude. If Deep Throat really is The Weasel, I'm seriously doubting that he's listening to you 24/7. He's probably settling down onto his brown corduroy sofa with a nice cold Schlitz and firing up the latest Pamela Anderson / Kid Rock porn tape. He'll get to you in due time, my friend.
St. Somewhere Else Hospital. Auntie Em's crashed out in her bed. Uncle Arvin enters and looks at her from the shadows. Auntie Em sees him and says hi. He approaches and sits on her bed. She caresses his face as he asks her how she's feeling. "Better," she says, her eyes almost tearing up, "now that you're here." She tells him that her doctor stopped by and told her that her biopsy is scheduled for week. Ron Rifkin gets this look on his face that is utterly heartbreaking.
Some of the posters have suggested (and I think you're all absolutely correct here) that this is the moment when Sloane realizes that the biopsy is the precise moment when Emily's going to be eliminated by the Alliance. If this is indeed the case, then, well, both Ron Rifkin and Amy Irving deserve frickin' Emmy nominations for their work here. Yeah, we're supposed to hate Sloane. Yeah, he's an evil bastard. Yeah, he still makes you reach for the damn Kleenex.
Auntie Em sees Sloane's expression and tries to reassure him that everything's going to be all right. He contemplates her quietly. "You are so beautiful," he whispers. She laughs. "I know I must look wonderful." Sloane's eyes well up with tears. "Hold me," says Emily. Oh, God. Sloane bends down and takes her tenderly in his arms. "I am so proud of you," says Emily. Sloane pulls her closer and starts crying into the nape of her neck. Look, before you think I'm going all Harlequin Romance on your asses, just watch your tapes of this episode again, okay? This is one damn fine scene. Julio! JULIO! More Kleenex for the Mistress!
Denpasar. Another Travel Channel establishing shot of a marketplace. Sydney's being carted around in Denpasar's version of a rickshaw. She's cloaked, head to toe, in layer after layer of lampshade material. The lower half of her face is covered as well, revealing only her eyes and what looks like the result of a self-tanning experiment gone terribly awry.
From beneath her disguise, she asks Vaughn whassup. From his post above the marketplace, he informs her that Sark has one guy inside and one guy outside, as discussed. "He stuck to the plan," breathes Syd. "Yeah, so far," says Agent A-Team. "But if something changes, we're ready." That is such a relief. That declaration has simply bathed me in relief. Except, you know, NOT.
Syd approaches Sark's gate and enters as Vaughn tells her through her earpiece that, after they both test the merchandise, they should go their separate ways. No duh, Vaughn. Did you think they were going to head to the local watering hole for a few Indonesian Pale Ales and some beer nuts? God.
Syd walks up to Sark, who is rather sexily dressed in a pale linen suit and a white untucked shirt, and says something to him in some foreign language. He responds in the same language. Look, I know I should know what language it is but cut me some slack. I barely paid attention to the whole Vaughn/Sydney black market exposition scene, okay? It's a foreign language. Are we done yet?
They both sit. Sark drops the foreign language bit and says something about how neither side was supposed to have the advantage. "You can see me," he says in his lovely British accent. "I cannot see you." Syd's all, you know who in the hell I represent, okay? Can we just get on with this? Sark's all, not so fast, sistah. You're associated with some random jihad, right? She's all, uh-huh. He's all, well, then, you're familiar with some jihad-related sword fighting then, right? She's all, uh, what? Dude. I'm just here to give you some fake formula, okay? He's all, grab a sword and let's get dancing.
Meanwhile, Vaughn's all, Syd! Sydney! Girlfriend! Get OUTTA there! He's yelling so loud that I'm surprised Sloane can't hear him all the way back in the Conference Room of Endless Expositions. Syd tries sticking to the plan, but Sark's relatively insistent. Also, he has a couple of big-ass sword thingys in his hands.
Of course, Vaughn has nothing to worry about because, as we all know, Sydney's been trained in karate, jujitsu, tai chi, aikido, hapkido, sambo, ninjutsu and, as it happens, bizarre jihad-related sword fighting. She basically kicks Sark's ass and the trading commences.
Sark opens up his briefcase and pulls out the box of diamonds. Sydney opens her Indonesian handbag and produces the ampoule. They exchange. Sydney palms the fake ampoule and hides it beneath a little green felt thing and proceeds to pretend to check the diamonds for authenticity. Sark proceeds to test the contents of the ampoule for authenticity. Vaughn proceeds to inexplicably look around the marketplace with his binoculars and comes upon Dixon, making his way through the crowd.
Vaughn informs Sydney of Dixon's arrival, just as someone shoots the guards outside the black market meeting place. Sydney hurriedly announces to Sark that the diamonds are okey-dokey and wants to know if they have a deal. Sark's not quite finished yet with his testing process. Vaughn yells at Sydney that Dixon's at the gate and that she should make the switch, like, NOW.
And here's where I have NO idea where the real ampoule goes. Just as Sydney forces Sark to agree to the deal and they stand up to shake hands, Dixon enters with his gun drawn, yelling at everyone to get their hands in the air. It looked like Sydney had the palmed fake ampoule in her hand, but I'm not sure. It also looked like Sark dropped the real ampoule into his inner suit pocket. This is certainly going to be important later but right now? No fucking clue.
"Where's the vial?" demands Dixon. Sark just looks stonily at him. Sydney, whose hands are spread, revealing that she doesn't have ANYTHING in either one of her hands, sort of looks away, not meeting Dixon's eyes. Dixon moves closer and asks again where the vial is. Sark sort of looks over at Sydney. Sydney slides her eyes over to Dixon. Dixon glances at Sydney and, for some reason, it looks like he recognizes her.
And we're all done here.
time on Alias: Syd wears a frightening pink wig and scares the holy beejezus out of Willage. Or does she?