Last time on Alias: Shack did a bang-up job of producing a recap of a recap. No, I'm not being lazy. It was a total recap show. Oh, and Sydney thinks her mother's alive and well and speaking Russian or something.
We open with a shot of Sydney climbing up the face of some mountain while an all-girl chorus trills some nonsensical Latin-type Goth music. Syd slips and almost falls. Right. Like she's going to die. Whatever. She makes it to the top as the sun sets over some mountains in the distance. She removes her Mission Impossible shades, pulls out her walkie-talkie, and makes a call to Agent Utley at the FBI. "Tell him it's about a fugitive he's been looking for," she says breathlessly. "The fugitive is me."
You know what? I'm willing to go with the whole "jet Syd to Italy so we can prove to the FBI that she's not Sydney the Destructor" thing but, uh, couldn't they have just chartered a 'copter and, I don't know, FLOWN OVER TO MOUNT SEBACIO? Like, why'd she have to climb up the face of a mountain to see it? Huh? Just so we could see how hot Little Jenny Garner looks in a skintight black tank top? And Mr. Abrams? I have one thing to say to you: STOP WATCHING MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2. It's not that great of a movie, dude. Step away from the DVD player and go read a book or something.
Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's in Spy Daddy's car, thanking him for helping her while a torrential rainstorm that belongs in upper Washington State pelts down around them. Spy Daddy deflects her thanks by informing her that the FBI has shifted their focus from Syd to where they should have been focusing all along: Spy Mommy. Syd thought that the FBI was convinced Spy Mommy was dead. Nope, says Spy Daddy. He broke into the CIA's classified archives and discovered that, after Spy Mommy's accident, the CIA put together some sort of commission to assess the damage she'd done to national security. The commission was comprised of people that Spy Daddy had worked with for years, but one name in particular stood out.
Sloane.
Spy Daddy hauled ass over to Uncle Arvin's office and questioned him about his involvement in the commission and why he never told Spy Daddy anything about Spy Mommy's death. By the way, I'm using past tense here because this is obviously just a flashback that Spy Daddy's illustrating to Sydney in the rain-drenched Caddy. Hee. "Spy Daddy's Caddy." Hee.
Anyway, Spy Daddy makes this brooding speech to Sloane about how Sloane would have talked to Spy Daddy about the circumstances of Spy Mommy's death if, indeed, she'd actually died. "[Spy Mommy] didn't die in that accident, did she?" finishes Spy Daddy. Sloane just looks at him like the cat that ate the canary that ate the radioactive birdseed that Marshall produced in order to create deadly international spy bird weapons.
Back in Spy Daddy's Caddy (hee!), Spy Daddy wraps up his flashback story by telling Syd that her mother isn't dead, but they don't know what happened to her or where she went and she could be in this country for all they know. Syd swallows this immense pile of plot-thickening horseshit and tells her daddy that she's gonna find her mommy. Spy Daddy goes apeshit and yells at Sydney that searching for that Russian bitch will accomplish nothing. Sydney tells her father to stuff his misdirected rage and anguish right up his butthole because she's a woman, hear her roar, and she'll do whatever she damn well pleases. Or she just pouts at him as the rain slips slowly down the window.
Then we're listening as Sydney tells someone about a memory of her father that involves a camping trip, a broken leg, and him picking her up and carrying her miles back to the car. She remembers thinking that he was the strongest man in the world. By the way, as this trip down camping memory lane unfolds, we watch as Sydney wakes, sits up, reveals that she wears fluffy pajamas to bed (which is supposed to show us that she may be an ass-kicking international double agent, but she's still just a wittle girl at heart), and picks up her phone, ostensibly making a call to her Platonic-But-Heterosexual Boyfriend.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Sydney continues telling her Strong Spy Daddy story to an attentive and horny Agent Amorous. Oh, come on! Of course he's horny! Tell me something -- if one of your coworkers called you up in the middle of the night and asked you to meet them at some bizarre location so they could share sob stories about their fractured family life with you, would you go? Hell no! You'd tell them to shove a couple of Xanax down their gullet and shut the fuck up. But if you had a hot thang for the aforementioned coworker, you'd leap out of bed, slap some smelly stuff all over your body, grab your keys, and skeedaddle on over to The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Duh.
Yeah, so, Syd's all concerned that the search for her mother scares her father to death. Agent Amorous is all, dude, your mom killed my dad, okay? Like, I want you and all but, uh, I could really give a shit about your eternal quest for Mommy Love. Now kiss me. Syd asks Agent Amorous if he can help her get every last bit of information that the CIA has on Spy Mommy. Agent Amorous carves a few more grooves into his forehead and tells Syd that he can't help her out there, because all information on her mother's been strictly classified. Syd keeps pushing him to help her. Vaughn tells her that he'll help her if she agrees to play a few rounds of strip poker with him. Syd tells him to keep his rocket in his pocket and instead pays a visit to Uncle Arvin.
Uncle Arvin's House Of Hidden Truths And Sick Spouses. Uncle Arvin tells Sydney that she's been avoiding him. Sydney blah-blahs about her mother being alive and how she wants Uncle Arvin to help her find Spy Mommy. Uncle Arvin pours them a couple of glasses of what is either water or chilled Grey Goose. Speaking of Grey Goose…
Okay, uh, so Uncle Arvin sort of blah-blahs about how Spy Daddy spent six months in seclusion at a federal prison because he was suspected of being in cahoots with Spy Mommy. This is news to Sydney, but then, isn't everything? Spy Daddy got out of prison and started drinking heavily. Because of Spy Daddy's behavior, Uncle Arvin was under direct orders not to let him know that Spy Mommy was alive and well and enjoying big bowls of borscht. Unfortunately, this also meant that Uncle Arvin had to lie to Sydney as well.
Syd sets down her Grey Goose and informs Uncle Arvin that she's removing herself from active duty at SD-6 and devoting herself to the Mommy Quest. Uncle Arvin's not having any of it. Syd spits out that it's time that SD-6 took a risk on her behalf instead of the other way around. Uncle Arvin moves over and sits down to Sydney. Ew. I mean, he's not doing anything gross, but still: EW. "A daughter has a right to know her mother," he says. Again, EW. God, he's creepy. No, that doesn't mean I don't still think he's kinda hot. But then, I have a history for being attracted to inappropriate men, so there ya go. "I hope you find her," he finishes. Jesus, so do I. I'm about ready to go out and search for that Russian bitch myself, I'm so anxious for this dumb-ass storyline to end.
Center For Weepy Guitar Solos And Storylines That Don't Matter. Willage Idiot and Francie are in the kitchen, preparing to make pancakes. Willage wants chocolate chips in the pancakes. Francie doesn't. I pick up one of the multicolored pencils that I recently stole from my freelance job, sharpen it to a needle point, shove it directly up my nose, spin it around a bit, and render myself lobotomized enough to endure the rest of this scene.
Syd enters. Blah blah blah, oh you still live here? Bling blam blooey, I know, I know, I'm sorry. Flim fling flox, how's work? La la la lamppost, wanna know about tax shelters? Sing Blue Silver, what're you up to today? Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, goin' to look for a new tux. Drool drip deluxe, a tux? For what? Gah. GAAAAAAHHHH. Shut up already. Okay. Fine. Francie sees a bruise on Syd's arm and asks how she got it. Since Syd's a world-class espionage expert, she dribbles something about how a guy on the flight back from Seattle hit her with his carry-on luggage. That's a good one, Syd. Because all carry-on luggage is sharp-edged and draws blood. She couldn't have said, maybe, that she'd engaged in some rather rough racquetball playing and injured herself in a fall? Lord.
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Uncle Arvin and Spy Daddy are yammering on about Kasineau, and how he's well-stocked to launch a full-out war on the rest of the spy community, when Marshall enters and blithers about how he's sorry he's late and he's also sorry that he's covered in hives. Why is he covered in hives? Because he's developing a dermal pigmentation capsule and it's not quite right and -- um, never mind. Again, why is he covered in hives? Because it's funny. Or, I should say, because it's supposed to be funny. Yeah.
Marshall finally shuts up and takes his seat as everyone stares at him like he's just turned a vibrant shade of plaid. Spy Daddy purses his lips and goes on with the Exposition Dance, telling everyone that for the past five years, SD-6 has had two deep undercover agents installed in the Russian Embassy in Vienna. One of them, Kyle Wexler, recently sent SD-6 a communiqué that said Kasineau has converted $250 million in assets into cold hard cash. Sloane wants to know just what Kasineau's spending his money on. Wexler informed SD-6 that he's uncovered details about Kasineau's spending habits and encoded the information onto a microchip. Wexler's scheduled a "brush-past" for Saturday night at the Embassy ball. "We've arranged for you to attend," finishes Spy Daddy.
Sydney looks positively shocked. After the meeting, Syd runs up to Uncle Arvin and reminds him that she's taken herself off active duty. Then why in the HELL was she in the meeting in the first place? If she was really off active duty, she'd be at home, wearing her fluffy pajamas, eating chocolate chip pancakes, and watching Days of Our Lives. Whatever. Sloane's all, Kasineau is your top priority, dude. Sydney's all, I don't understand what this Russian dicksmack has to do with my mother. Sloane's all, shut up, you whiny bitch -- Kasineau was your mother's superior, okay? This is the only clue I can offer you, so suck it up and DEAL. "The more we find out about Kasineau, the closer we get to finding your mother," says Sloane.
Down in the parking lot, Syd's storming to her car as Spy Daddy catches up to her. He's spittin' mad about Sydney asking Sloane to help her find Spy Mommy. Syd informs him about the Kasineau connection; Spy Daddy just stares at the floor in an effort to locate an element of this plot that doesn't involve suspending disbelief.
Vienna. Home of Mozart and the Von Trapp Family Singers. We're at the Embassy ball. Everyone's togged out in fancy dress and elaborate masks. Hence the title of this week's episode, I imagine. Syd and Dix show up and start spinning around the dance floor.
At the same time, Spy Daddy enters Sloane's office and starts reaming him about the whole Kasineau Connection. Now, considering that Spy Daddy and Sydney just had their Kasineau Connection Conversation approximately three seconds ago, I'm thinking that there's no way that Sydney's managed to make it to Vienna, throw on a pretty dress and a Marilyn Monroe wig, and start dancing the night away with Dixon in that time. Reality? Not an option here.
Sloane repeats his whole "under orders to keep shit from you" speech -- you know, just in case we didn't get it the first time. Spy Daddy wants to know why Sloane agreed to help Syd without consulting him first. Sloane tells Spy Daddy that Sydney's not twelve and doesn't need Daddy's approval to go looking for her Mommy. "Are you sure this isn't affecting you more than you'd like to admit?" asks Sloane. "I assure you, my concern is only for Sydney," spits Spy Daddy. Sloane ain't buyin' it. He wants Spy Daddy to take a break from active duty.
"I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving Sydney alone right now," sneers Spy Daddy. "If she were your daughter, I'm sure you'd understand." "You should know by now," says Sloane calmly, "that my interest is in protecting Sydney. It's always been my pleasure to fill in for you when you were indisposed." Man, that's cold. That is positively sub-zero, dude. If Sloane isn't Sydney's natural father, then I don't know what. Like, there is so much shit going on between Spy Daddy and Sloane in this scene that you'd need a dumptruck and eight construction workers to shovel it out.
Back in Vienna, Syd and Dix are still dancin' the night away. Dix asks if Syd's ready. She is. Then she reaches up to her earring and touches it, and we're transported back to Marshall's hive-free office, where he's explaining that once Sydney "activates" her beautiful diamond earring, it'll emit an infrared pulse that's invisible to the naked eye. The agent that Sydney's meeting for the brush-past will be sporting infrared-capable contacts that will enable him to locate her via the earring. Yes, it's stupid. And yes, it's also kinda cool. And yes, Marshall's still a blithering doofus.
On the dance floor, Syd's activated the earring. Some guy in a tux and a big mask swaggers into the ballroom. And I do mean "swaggers." He should be wearing a six-gun rig and a twenty-gallon hat, people. He spots the infrared flash from Sydney's earring and be-bops over, cutting in on Syd and Dix. And the masks everyone's wearing? Creeptastic. Oh, and Mr. Abrams? STOP WATCHING EYES WIDE SHUT, okay? Yeah, I know it's Kubrick's last film and all, but dude? It's not that great. If you insist on having an infatuation with Tom Cruise and all his cinematic ventures, I think it's time to consider therapy. Three times a week. At least.
So Syd and the Masked Dude start hoofin' it. Masked Dude tells Syd that Wexler's dead and it's only a matter of time before his own cover's blown. Syd wants to know who the hell he is. He's Wexler's partner. Syd places her ring against his neck and tells him that it's a jet injector for a neurotoxin, and he'd better tell her just what in the HELL is going on here or he's gonna bite the big one. Masked Dude chatters off some pertinent SD-6 factoids, including how Sloane's a "humorless son-of-a-bitch." That's enough for Syd. She follows him off the dance floor and voices to Dix that the deal's off and she's going for the microchip.
Syd and Masked Dude scamper down a hallway while Syd asks if he was recruited out of college and, if so, which one was it? When Masked Dude responds "Berkeley," Syd whips off her mask and stares at him. Masked Dude whips off his mask, revealing the craggy-toothed visage of Peter Berg. They both go, "Oh my God!" But their reunion is short-lived, because some Russian baddies are knockin' at the door. Syd thinks fast (and stupid) and grabs Craggy for some convenient lip-lockage. The baddies enter and tell them that this is a restricted area. Syd and Craggy respond by kicking their asses. When the baddies are disposed of, Craggy turns to Syd and casually says, "How ya been?"
Heh.
After the break, Syd and Craggy enter some storage room. Syd can't believe it's him, whoever that is. I mean, of course, we all KNOW it's her long-lost love because we've all seen the previews and read the forums but right now, let's pretend that we DON'T know who the hell he is. Anyway, Syd wants to know what they're doing in this storage room. Craggy speed-talks some gobbledy-gook that I have no interest in transcribing. They make their way over to some steel cylinder thingy, and Craggy punches in a code. He swings the door open and they come face to face with the frozen body of Wexler. The hell? Kasineau has the guy killed, but keeps him around like a side of beef? WhatEVER.
Syd and Craggy figure out that Wexler still has the chip somewhere on him, most likely INSIDE of him. Craggy whips out (shut up!) a swing knife and cuts his partner open. Meanwhile, Dix runs outside and tries to let their driver know the deal, only to discover that the driver's dead as a doornail. A baddie shows up, and Dix tussles with him. After killing the baddie, Dix gets on the horn and tells Syd to abort because the Russians knew they were coming. Syd tells him to hang tight a sec, 'cuz they almost have the chip. Then there's a sort of overly graphic moment where Craggy's digging his hands into his partner's frozen chest. Like, it's totally obvious that it's latex, but it's still gross.
After Craggy can't find the chip in his partner's stomach, Syd posits that it may be lodged in Wexler's esophagus. Craggy asks Syd to help him spread (hee!) Wexler's chest open so that they can go diving into the esophagus. They have a little "ironic small talk" about how they've both been, and Syd nabs the chip.
Syd and Craggy make their way through the ballroom, only to discover that the Russian baddies are onto them and heading directly for them. Craggy thinks fast (and smart) and cuts the cord to the net that holds a bunch of balloons. The balloons tumble down onto the dance floor, affording Syd and Craggy the opportunity to get the hell outta Dodge. They run outside, and Dixon rumbles up in a horse-drawn carriage. "I'm not gonna ask," says Sydney. Don't worry, we won't either. We've learned, by now, not to ask questions that may jeopardize our enjoyment of this program by shedding the harsh light of reality onto ridiculous plot contrivances. Syd and Craggy get into the carriage as Craggy claps Dix on the shoulder and says, "Dixon." Dixon looks confused and says, "Noah?" They drive off.
Then we're on a plane (we know this because we see an establishing shot of a plane, flying through the pearly clouds), and Dixon's telling Syd that he's not fond of the idea of chatting with Sloane about pulling No!Augh! (tm Souris) out of operation. Syd's all, but he's hot! And he's my ex-boy-toy! And, like, what choice did we have? Dix is all, dude. This man is BAD MEDICINE, okay? You need to stop standing at the bus stop and GET ON THE BUS, okay? In other words, girlfriend, watch yer step. Syd's all, dude. I am SO over him. Pass the peanuts.
Just then, No!Augh! shows up and asks if either of them has change for a hundred rubles or something. He is SO transparent. He totally just wants to get into Syd's spy-knickers. Dixon, who had only as recently as TWO SECONDS AGO warned Syd to tread carefully with this idiot, inexplicably decides to get up and leave so that Syd and No!Augh! can hang out. Alone. Near the bathroom. And the Mile-High Club temptation.
No!Augh! parks it to Syd and tries to act all cool and shit. Not buying it. Sorry. Sell your cheap-ass "How've things been since I dumped your ass?" spy-speak somewhere else, okay, Bucktooth Boy? We're all stocked up here. Syd ignores his presence, but proceeds to place her forefinger rather provocatively on her lip in an effort to pretend to concentrate on the papers sitting on her tray; instead, she just looks like she's drawing attention to her mouth which, if the movie Clueless is correct, is a conscious attempt to make No!Augh! stare at her mouth and think about sex.
No!Augh! continues to stare at Sydney and her overactive lips until Syd finally declares that she should get some sleep. When she sort of turns her head, No!Augh! finally decides to spill his guts and say that he understands if she's still mad, but he's not mad anymore, so she really shouldn't be either. Syd's all, doofus? What in the HELL would YOU have to be mad about? No!Augh!'s all, I understand if you're upset but, like, come on! You didn't even put up a fight! Syd's all, um, dude? I fight guys bigger than you on a daily basis. Get to the point, okay? No!Augh!'s all, I waited for you for six hours! Syd's all, what in the HELL are you talking about? No!Augh!'s all bicker bicker bicker. Syd's all jilted-girlfriend banter banter banter.
"I wrote you!" shouts No!Augh! "I wrote. And told you to meet me in San Pedro." Dude? Peter? Yeah, you -- Peter Berg. Stop with the spitting, okay? Like, I get that you're Peter Berg and you've pretended to make the beast with two backs with Linda Fiorentino and that you directed Very Bad Things and all but, uh, could you stop with the pouty spittle? Please? For my sake?
Syd tells No!Augh! that she never got a letter. No!Augh! reminds her that he was deep undercover and couldn't have possibly sent her an actual letter. So he sent her a message in a junk email. "You shoulda been able to pick it up from the subject line," he spits. Literally. Syd informs him that she has set her email system up so that it immediately trashes all "junk emails." I do that too. Only, I still get junk emails. Every day. With headers like "Misty Mandy Sux Cox" and "Tired of Being in Debt?" Never, not once, have I ever received a junk email from a former spy asking me to meet him in San Pedro. Then again, never, not once, have I ever received ANY KIND OF EMAIL from ANYONE I'VE EVER LOVED asking me to MEET THEM ANYWHERE. Junk or otherwise.
Back in Hell-Lay, Sloane's bitching at Syd and Dix about how they extracted Buckaroo Bucktooth from his assignment in an untimely fashion. Syd's all, uh, dingleberry? We didn't really have a choice, now, did we? Bucky tries to get her back by jumping to her defense and then busting Sloane's balls. Oh, he SO wants to play with Sydney's lacy things. Sloane tells him to stop trying to make every effort to do Sydney right there on his desk and shut the fuck up. "I'll listen to your report after you've been evaluated by Security Section," snaps Sloane. He orders Dix to escort Bucky to security and turns to Sydney.
"Now I have done you a favor, Sydney," says Sloane. "So, should the need ever arise, I'm sure I can count on you to return it." Sydney just stares at Sloane like he's covered in red scales and brandishing a pitchfork -- which, let's face it, wouldn't be all that surprising.
Down in Security Section, Bucky's being given the third degree, complete with nerve sensors and lie detection. He gives his spy résumé to some crusty old foreign guy. Bucky's all cocky and shit, and it's kind of apparent that he's totally full of himself and may very well be a triple- or quadruple-super-secret spy. Crusty Man asks Bucky why he agreed to be put into deep undercover, essentially cutting himself off from his whole life. At first, Bucky refuses to answer, but since this is Alias and not Gorky Park, he finally 'fesses up and states that he did it because he was in love and had refused to allow himself to deal with it.
Of course, Spy Barbie's watching all this from behind The Mirror That Has No Faces. Crusty Man wants to know just who this "love interest" was. Since what he does with his man-meat is essentially none of Crusty's goddamn business, Bucky tells him to keep the questions to relevant topics and get his masturbation material from Penthouse Forum like everyone else. "Besides," he finishes, "where I come from, a gentleman doesn't kiss and tell." Instead of waking up and smelling the steaming pile of cow dung, Sydney smiles at this and instantly starts to picture Bucky naked and holding a bowl of chocolate-covered strawberries.
Parking Lot Of Unrequited Love And Jilted Forehead Jockeys. Agent Amorous is chatting Sydney up about her trip to Vienna. He then moves on, oh-so-subtly -- except, you know, NOT -- to the subject of Bucky and how Syd mentioned him in her initial report on SD-6. "We met when I was a trainee," says Syd. Then there's this pause and Syd suddenly blurts out that she and Bucky actually dated for awhile. Like, is that even relevant here? What, is Agent Amorous her sorority sister or something? There's all this sexual tension now, except for the fact that, you know, THERE ISN'T, and Vaughn quickly asks if Syd's talked to her father lately. She has. Vaughn wants to know if she has any idea where Spy Daddy is and if he's okay. Syd searches the gravel for the map to Spy Daddy's whereabouts.
The map leads directly to Murphy's Bar, where Spy Daddy's enjoying a tasty single malt at around two in the afternoon. Not a good sign. Syd suggests that he talk to a professional. No, not a hooker -- a shrink. Sydney blithers on about how they're becoming closer or something, but she still doesn't know what their relationship's all about. Spy Daddy cuts her off with: "What's happening, between us, Sydney, is temporary." Ouch. Anyway, Syd's all, GO SEE A SHRINK. Spy Daddy's all, go play with Willage and Francie and all the other idiots in the spy-world sandbox and leave me the hell alone. Syd tells him that she thought he might act this way, so she already set up a shrink meeting for him through Devlin. D'oh!
The Office Of Double Agents And The Bucktoothed Men They Secretly Adore. Bucky's working at a computer when Syd enters. He mushmouths something about decoding the microchip, but it's really just a feeble excuse to get Bucky and Spy Barbie into close confines and thus facilitate a useless music montage. Actually, I'm grateful for this music montage because it takes about a minute or so to recap, and any minute I don't have to spend recapping this show is utterly precious.
At the end of the montage, Bucky and Syd go back and forth about their past. Blah blah and BLAH. I so don't care about this "relationship." Of course, I so don't care about ANY relationship right now, fictional or otherwise. But that's a different story, which I'll tell to my therapist this coming Thursday afternoon. Note to self: Request prescription for Paxil. Also, note to self: Ask shrink if okay to mix Paxil with vast quantities of Stolichnaya.
Center For Chick Music And The Guys That "Dig" It, But That Doesn't Mean They're GAY. Willage is pressing Francie to hurry up or they'll miss the previews. Francie's scrambling around, looking for a coat, and finally winds up just borrowing one of Syd's. Right. Because Syd's not, like, HALF HER SIZE OR ANYTHING. Not that Merrin Dungey is a big fat article or anything. Not even close. It's just a really stupid plot contrivance created so that Francie can dig into Syd's pockets and find one of her ticket stubs. A ticket stub, in and of itself, isn't telling, but when Syd's just informed her friends that her latest trip was to Seattle and the ticket stub says "Italy" on it, well, that screams volumes.
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Sloane's debriefing the troops. I wish I could tell you exactly what he says, but this entire scene is so full of spy lingo and vacuous plot devices that I honestly can't be bothered to write about it. Suffice it to say, Kasineau's purchased a couple of computer thingies which may make it possible to figure out how many pieces are missing from the overall Rambaldi whatever. I'm serious, people. I could really give a shit about all this. It all comes down to Syd having to steal some "data core," which is kept in a sub-zero cryogenic chamber hidden away underground in Kasineau's Arkhangelsk complex. And even though Dixon's actually Syd's partner, Bucky steps in and claims that, because he knows the area around Kasineau's place pretty well, he'll deal with it or something. Again, don't care. Shut up, Bucky. Oh, and Sloane? Pass Bucky some Kleenex. That cakey white shit in the corners of his mouth is really starting to bug the hell outta me.
So, Syd and Bucky go to Arkhangelsk. They're pretending to be tourists as they walk up some forest hill. Yeah, because Arkhangelsk is really popular this time of year for the tourists. It's just screaming "leisure time." Anyway, guys with big guns (hee!) leap out of the bushes and force Syd and Bucky to accompany them up the hill. Yawn.
Back at Spy Central, Spy Daddy's getting the psych treatment from Ken Olin's wife, Patricia Wettig. Or, as we've come to refer to her in these recaps, "Dr. Nancy." She's psychobabbling some crap about his relationship with Sydney. He psychobluffs back some horse poo about "normal" families or something. Dr. Nancy tells him that their time is up, and then proceeds to nail him with the revelation that she doesn't believe a single word that's spilled from between his pursed lips. Spy Daddy tells her that she doesn't have a goddamn clue and to shove it up her poo chute.
(Anyone else notice that I've been focused on all things scatological in this recap? What is WITH that? Oh, right, my life's shit, so why not WRITE ABOUT IT. Oh, I'm kidding. Calm down. I'm not gonna off myself. You'll still get your damn recap.)
Back in Kasineau Kountry, Syd and Bucky are being escorted into the complex. Once inside, some big baddie grabs Syd's camera, demanding to know what she was taking pictures of. He moves to open the back of the camera in order to take the film, and Syd and Bucky flip down their sunglasses. As soon as Big Baddie opens the camera, there's a flash, and all the baddies are down for the count. Our Spy Lovers race around until they find the hidden elevator leading to the underground chamber.
Once inside the chamber, Bucky keeps the ONE COMPUTER OPERATOR at bay with his big gun (hee!) while Syd searches for something on the 'puter. I think she's supposed to be attempting to access the system that operates the cryogenic stuff, but she's wasting time looking for her mother's name. She looks up "Laura Bristow" and finds nothing; then she looks up "Laura Derevko," which is either Spy Mommy's alias or her actual name, and finds a whole list of pertinent things. Like zeros and ones and other digits that mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Seriously. It just looks like she finds some bloody binary code or something.
Bucky tells Syd to get the lead out, so she quickly disengages the core. Or something. She enters the chamber, does some shit with a temperature box or something, and nabs the core. At the same time, more of the Kasineau baddies show up in the upstairs office and discover their downed compatriots. One of them hits the alarm, which causes Bucky McBuckerton to turn away from the computer guy for a split second. That split second is all the computer guy needs to launch himself at the keyboard and swing the transport arm into Sydney's head. Bucky knocks him out with the butt of his gun just as Syd hits the floor.
She's fine, but her mask is cracking, allowing the subzero temps to toss her into the deep freeze. Unfortunately, the alarm has caused the system to go into lockdown, so Bucky can't get to her without shooting the hell out of all of the surprisingly non-bulletproof glass. He gets to her, swoops up Sydney and the core, and, instead of worrying about the baddies that are most likely going to show up at any second, he drops Syd on the floor outside the cryo chamber and tries to revive her. Of course she comes around just as the one of the baddies makes his appearance. Bucky disposes of him quickly, and he and Syd make their escape.
Back at The Institute For Idiots, Francie and Willage are discussing the infamous ticket stub. They're all, maybe she's having an affair with someone or maybe she's in an abusive relationship or maybe she's having an affair with her boss or maybe she's having an abusive affair with her boss. Whatever. End scene. Seriously. Just shut up.
The Best Little Safehouse in Kasineau Kountry. Syd's bundled up with a cup of hot broth. Bucky enters and tells Syd that they'll be extracted in about six hours. As the driving beat of Depeche Mode swoons across the soundtrack, Syd and Bucky do The Dance Of Flirtation. Syd's all, I'd love a fire in the fireplace. Bucky's all, keep yer pants on, Chiquita -- a fire would show up on Kasineau's thermal-seeking equipment. Then he wants to know what Syd was looking for in the database. Syd tells him a truncated version of the Spy Mommy sob story, and winds it all up by saying that she wants to let him in, but she doesn't feel comfortable doing that quite yet.
Bucky thinks Syd's still mad at him for dumping her all those years ago. Syd's not mad, she's just horny. We know this because, even though she doesn't seem to be able to trust him and still harbors feelings of guilt and regret and sadness about Bucky, she drops her blanket, walks right on over, and lays a warm wet one on Craggy McCraggerton's drooling mouth.
Let the games begin!