“ '[Spy Mommy] didn't die in that accident, did she?' finishes Spy Daddy. Sloane just looks at him like the cat that ate the canary that ate the radioactive birdseed that Marshall produced in order to create deadly international spy bird weapons. ”
Last time on Alias: Shack did a bang-up job of producing a recap of a recap. No, I'm not being lazy. It was a total recap show. Oh, and Sydney thinks her mother's alive and well and speaking Russian or something.
We open with a shot of Sydney climbing up the face of some mountain while an all-girl chorus trills some nonsensical Latin-type Goth music. Syd slips and almost falls. Right. Like she's going to die. Whatever. She makes it to the top as the sun sets over some mountains in the distance. She removes her Mission Impossible shades, pulls out her walkie-talkie, and makes a call to Agent Utley at the FBI. "Tell him it's about a fugitive he's been looking for," she says breathlessly. "The fugitive is me."
You know what? I'm willing to go with the whole "jet Syd to Italy so we can prove to the FBI that she's not Sydney the Destructor" thing but, uh, couldn't they have just chartered a 'copter and, I don't know, FLOWN OVER TO MOUNT SEBACIO? Like, why'd she have to climb up the face of a mountain to see it? Huh? Just so we could see how hot Little Jenny Garner looks in a skintight black tank top? And Mr. Abrams? I have one thing to say to you: STOP WATCHING MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE 2. It's not that great of a movie, dude. Step away from the DVD player and go read a book or something.
Back in Hell-Lay, Syd's in Spy Daddy's car, thanking him for helping her while a torrential rainstorm that belongs in upper Washington State pelts down around them. Spy Daddy deflects her thanks by informing her that the FBI has shifted their focus from Syd to where they should have been focusing all along: Spy Mommy. Syd thought that the FBI was convinced Spy Mommy was dead. Nope, says Spy Daddy. He broke into the CIA's classified archives and discovered that, after Spy Mommy's accident, the CIA put together some sort of commission to assess the damage she'd done to national security. The commission was comprised of people that Spy Daddy had worked with for years, but one name in particular stood out.
Sloane.
Spy Daddy hauled ass over to Uncle Arvin's office and questioned him about his involvement in the commission and why he never told Spy Daddy anything about Spy Mommy's death. By the way, I'm using past tense here because this is obviously just a flashback that Spy Daddy's illustrating to Sydney in the rain-drenched Caddy. Hee. "Spy Daddy's Caddy." Hee.
Anyway, Spy Daddy makes this brooding speech to Sloane about how Sloane would have talked to Spy Daddy about the circumstances of Spy Mommy's death if, indeed, she'd actually died. "[Spy Mommy] didn't die in that accident, did she?" finishes Spy Daddy. Sloane just looks at him like the cat that ate the canary that ate the radioactive birdseed that Marshall produced in order to create deadly international spy bird weapons.
Back in Spy Daddy's Caddy (hee!), Spy Daddy wraps up his flashback story by telling Syd that her mother isn't dead, but they don't know what happened to her or where she went and she could be in this country for all they know. Syd swallows this immense pile of plot-thickening horseshit and tells her daddy that she's gonna find her mommy. Spy Daddy goes apeshit and yells at Sydney that searching for that Russian bitch will accomplish nothing. Sydney tells her father to stuff his misdirected rage and anguish right up his butthole because she's a woman, hear her roar, and she'll do whatever she damn well pleases. Or she just pouts at him as the rain slips slowly down the window.
Then we're listening as Sydney tells someone about a memory of her father that involves a camping trip, a broken leg, and him picking her up and carrying her miles back to the car. She remembers thinking that he was the strongest man in the world. By the way, as this trip down camping memory lane unfolds, we watch as Sydney wakes, sits up, reveals that she wears fluffy pajamas to bed (which is supposed to show us that she may be an ass-kicking international double agent, but she's still just a wittle girl at heart), and picks up her phone, ostensibly making a call to her Platonic-But-Heterosexual Boyfriend.
Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Sydney continues telling her Strong Spy Daddy story to an attentive and horny Agent Amorous. Oh, come on! Of course he's horny! Tell me something -- if one of your coworkers called you up in the middle of the night and asked you to meet them at some bizarre location so they could share sob stories about their fractured family life with you, would you go? Hell no! You'd tell them to shove a couple of Xanax down their gullet and shut the fuck up. But if you had a hot thang for the aforementioned coworker, you'd leap out of bed, slap some smelly stuff all over your body, grab your keys, and skeedaddle on over to The Subbasement Of Dreams And Desires. Duh.
Yeah, so, Syd's all concerned that the search for her mother scares her father to death. Agent Amorous is all, dude, your mom killed my dad, okay? Like, I want you and all but, uh, I could really give a shit about your eternal quest for Mommy Love. Now kiss me. Syd asks Agent Amorous if he can help her get every last bit of information that the CIA has on Spy Mommy. Agent Amorous carves a few more grooves into his forehead and tells Syd that he can't help her out there, because all information on her mother's been strictly classified. Syd keeps pushing him to help her. Vaughn tells her that he'll help her if she agrees to play a few rounds of strip poker with him. Syd tells him to keep his rocket in his pocket and instead pays a visit to Uncle Arvin.
Masquerade
“ Willage wants chocolate chips in the pancakes. Francie doesn't. I pick up one of the multicolored pencils that I recently stole from my freelance job, sharpen it to a needle point, shove it directly up my nose, spin it around a bit, and render myself lobotomized enough to endure the rest of this scene. ”
Uncle Arvin's House Of Hidden Truths And Sick Spouses. Uncle Arvin tells Sydney that she's been avoiding him. Sydney blah-blahs about her mother being alive and how she wants Uncle Arvin to help her find Spy Mommy. Uncle Arvin pours them a couple of glasses of what is either water or chilled Grey Goose. Speaking of Grey Goose
Okay, uh, so Uncle Arvin sort of blah-blahs about how Spy Daddy spent six months in seclusion at a federal prison because he was suspected of being in cahoots with Spy Mommy. This is news to Sydney, but then, isn't everything? Spy Daddy got out of prison and started drinking heavily. Because of Spy Daddy's behavior, Uncle Arvin was under direct orders not to let him know that Spy Mommy was alive and well and enjoying big bowls of borscht. Unfortunately, this also meant that Uncle Arvin had to lie to Sydney as well.
Syd sets down her Grey Goose and informs Uncle Arvin that she's removing herself from active duty at SD-6 and devoting herself to the Mommy Quest. Uncle Arvin's not having any of it. Syd spits out that it's time that SD-6 took a risk on her behalf instead of the other way around. Uncle Arvin moves over and sits down to Sydney. Ew. I mean, he's not doing anything gross, but still: EW. "A daughter has a right to know her mother," he says. Again, EW. God, he's creepy. No, that doesn't mean I don't still think he's kinda hot. But then, I have a history for being attracted to inappropriate men, so there ya go. "I hope you find her," he finishes. Jesus, so do I. I'm about ready to go out and search for that Russian bitch myself, I'm so anxious for this dumb-ass storyline to end.
Center For Weepy Guitar Solos And Storylines That Don't Matter. Willage Idiot and Francie are in the kitchen, preparing to make pancakes. Willage wants chocolate chips in the pancakes. Francie doesn't. I pick up one of the multicolored pencils that I recently stole from my freelance job, sharpen it to a needle point, shove it directly up my nose, spin it around a bit, and render myself lobotomized enough to endure the rest of this scene.
Syd enters. Blah blah blah, oh you still live here? Bling blam blooey, I know, I know, I'm sorry. Flim fling flox, how's work? La la la lamppost, wanna know about tax shelters? Sing Blue Silver, what're you up to today? Swing Low, Sweet Chariot, goin' to look for a new tux. Drool drip deluxe, a tux? For what? Gah. GAAAAAAHHHH. Shut up already. Okay. Fine. Francie sees a bruise on Syd's arm and asks how she got it. Since Syd's a world-class espionage expert, she dribbles something about how a guy on the flight back from Seattle hit her with his carry-on luggage. That's a good one, Syd. Because all carry-on luggage is sharp-edged and draws blood. She couldn't have said, maybe, that she'd engaged in some rather rough racquetball playing and injured herself in a fall? Lord.
Masquerade
“ Sloane's all, Kasineau is your top priority, dude. Sydney's all, I don't understand what this Russian dicksmack has to do with my mother. Sloane's all, shut up, you whiny bitch -- Kasineau was your mother's superior, okay? ”
Conference Room Of Endless Expositions. Uncle Arvin and Spy Daddy are yammering on about Kasineau, and how he's well-stocked to launch a full-out war on the rest of the spy community, when Marshall enters and blithers about how he's sorry he's late and he's also sorry that he's covered in hives. Why is he covered in hives? Because he's developing a dermal pigmentation capsule and it's not quite right and -- um, never mind. Again, why is he covered in hives? Because it's funny. Or, I should say, because it's supposed to be funny. Yeah.
Marshall finally shuts up and takes his seat as everyone stares at him like he's just turned a vibrant shade of plaid. Spy Daddy purses his lips and goes on with the Exposition Dance, telling everyone that for the past five years, SD-6 has had two deep undercover agents installed in the Russian Embassy in Vienna. One of them, Kyle Wexler, recently sent SD-6 a communiqu that said Kasineau has converted $250 million in assets into cold hard cash. Sloane wants to know just what Kasineau's spending his money on. Wexler informed SD-6 that he's uncovered details about Kasineau's spending habits and encoded the information onto a microchip. Wexler's scheduled a "brush-past" for Saturday night at the Embassy ball. "We've arranged for you to attend," finishes Spy Daddy.
Sydney looks positively shocked. After the meeting, Syd runs up to Uncle Arvin and reminds him that she's taken herself off active duty. Then why in the HELL was she in the meeting in the first place? If she was really off active duty, she'd be at home, wearing her fluffy pajamas, eating chocolate chip pancakes, and watching Days of Our Lives. Whatever. Sloane's all, Kasineau is your top priority, dude. Sydney's all, I don't understand what this Russian dicksmack has to do with my mother. Sloane's all, shut up, you whiny bitch -- Kasineau was your mother's superior, okay? This is the only clue I can offer you, so suck it up and DEAL. "The more we find out about Kasineau, the closer we get to finding your mother," says Sloane.
Down in the parking lot, Syd's storming to her car as Spy Daddy catches up to her. He's spittin' mad about Sydney asking Sloane to help her find Spy Mommy. Syd informs him about the Kasineau connection; Spy Daddy just stares at the floor in an effort to locate an element of this plot that doesn't involve suspending disbelief.
Vienna. Home of Mozart and the Von Trapp Family Singers. We're at the Embassy ball. Everyone's togged out in fancy dress and elaborate masks. Hence the title of this week's episode, I imagine. Syd and Dix show up and start spinning around the dance floor.
At the same time, Spy Daddy enters Sloane's office and starts reaming him about the whole Kasineau Connection. Now, considering that Spy Daddy and Sydney just had their Kasineau Connection Conversation approximately three seconds ago, I'm thinking that there's no way that Sydney's managed to make it to Vienna, throw on a pretty dress and a Marilyn Monroe wig, and start dancing the night away with Dixon in that time. Reality? Not an option here.