Previously: Jack gets sent to Cuba to track down Inini Hassan, but ends up getting captured. Sydney goes to rescue him and bungles everything, getting captured, too. Hassan's new face looks weirdly like Saddam Hussein, but with a facelift. Hassan tells Jack to kill the captured Sydney to prove that he actually is an SD-6 agent.
Patio Of Potential Greek Tragedy. Jack's holding a gun on Sydney, surrounded by guards. Hassan watches him intently. There's a really nasty wound on Jack's face that looks like a pair of lips. Yech. Jack trains the gun on Sydney more accurately. He starts blinking a lot. Camera cuts to Sydney, who stares back at him.
Jack says that shooting "this agent" proves nothing, but Hassan says it'll prove he's really working against SD-6. Jack keeps blinking very fixedly. Hassan says if Jack doesn't kill her, he'll kill them both. Jack whips the gun to one side and starts shooting as Sydney kicks the other guard. Jack leaps to his feet and tells Hassan to put his hands in the air. Unfortunately, he doesn't continue with, "And wave 'em like you just don't care."
Sydney says it took her a second to figure out what he was doing. Apparently Jack's blinks were Morse code, and for a second Sydney thought he was saying "hard on your light," when it was really "guard on your right." ["In case anyone cares…not bloody likely. You could conceivably confuse 'right' and 'light,' but not 'hard' and 'guard,' since the letter H is four dots and G is dash-dash-dot, plus the extra letter U in the word 'guard'…the joke works phonetically, but Morse code isn't phonetic. I know it doesn't really matter, but that's a stupid error the writers could have avoided with seventeen seconds of research. ANY-way." -- Sars] Sydney uncuffs Jack's hands, and Jack orders Hassan to have his guards meet out back so they can leave out front, and that they're fluent in Arabic, so not to try anything. Hassan says something in Arabic, and Jack replies in the same language. Hassan gives the order as the Alias disco mega-mix starts up and all the guards start running. Jack and Sydney load Hassan into a classic African dictator car -- i.e. a shiny black Mercedes sedan.
Mountain road. Hassan asks what's going to happen. Jack says the plan isn't changing, and that they're going to take his client list and make it look like he's dead. Hassan laughs and says he doesn't care who they work for, as long as they let him go.
Hassan lies on the floor, an enormous wound on his white shirt. Jack snaps some photos. The title reads, "CIA Safehouse -- Havana." Jack orders him to get up. Hassan grumbles that they ruined his expensive shirt. Jack demands his client list. Hassan opens his tiny handheld computer and calls up a list and hands it to Jack.
Hassan approaches Jack from behind and says that they had a way for him to get out of Cuba. Jack says offhandedly, "Oh, we do," and punches him with his elbow. Hassan goes down. Sydney looks -- well, she looks outstandingly wooden, as usual, but I'm going to interpret it as "mildly startled."
Jack starts to tie up Hassan as he tells Sydney that two years ago he'd heard she would have to deal with Hassan, and it turned his stomach that she had to deal with people like him. Wow. Is there anything more fluid and beautiful than the sound of completely gratuitous exposition? Sydney tells him to let her clean his wound(s). Sydney asks him why he didn't tell her what SD-6 was when she joined, since he already knew. Jack replies that revealing the truth about what she was doing would've required revealing the truth about what he was doing. When I first saw this episode, I thought this answer was beyond lame because, duh, wouldn't Sydney know that he couldn't afford to blow his cover? But now, after re-watching it, I think it's dumb for different reasons -- her question is totally legit, since Jack could've stopped her before she even joined.
Sepia-tinted skyline of mountain roads, et cetera. A big black helicopter approaches a flat piece of terrain. The African dictator sedan pulls up, and Jack loads Sydney and Hassan inside. Sydney's wearing very retro-looking cop sunglasses. Jack says, "See you," and Sydney says, "Okay." Long shot of helicopter pulling away and Jack standing, alone, by the car.
CIA Warehouse. Sydney tells Vaughn that Jack called SD-6 and told them the original mission was a success. Sydney says that everything worked -- SD-6 never knew she was in Cuba, and everyone has what they wanted, and her dad's okay. She thanks Vaughn for getting her into Cuba, and that he was right, she would've done anything to save her father. Except it's a lot longer and more boring than that. Sydney says that Vaughn should've seen her dad -- that she could see his reputation in action, how good he is at his job. Vaughn looks pained. Actually, the shot is mostly of his enormous forehead and there are some major furrows going on, so I'm assuming he's in pain. For all I know, he could have gas or be concerned that he left his car lights on; I have the feeling that, in almost all those cases, his expression would be the same. He says that he has the deciphered codes from the books that Sydney found -- the codes she found in her mother's books that Jack had brought as gifts over the years. Apparently they're Cyrillic codes from the KGB, and they were orders to kill several CIA agents. Except (say it with me now) it's a lot more boring and drawn-out than that. Also, did I mention poorly acted? Apparently, twenty-five years ago, several agents were killed by an unknown operative and the murders have remained unsolved, and now the evidence all points to Syd's father. Sydney rises to his defense, but Vaughn is relentless. Sydney looks -- well, Sydney looks about as expressive as a cigar-store Indian, but I'm going to interpret it as shock.
Credit Dauphine. Sloane tells Jack that he's glad he's back safely, and that he was worried. Jack said everything worked out. Sloane looks the closest to "chipper" I've ever seen him.
Close-up of the photo of Hassan's "corpse." Sloane intones, "A vicious murder," and goes on to say that while they don't know who's responsible for the killing, they do know that some man named Nino Secoulis has been taking over Hassan's contracts. Sloane plays a phone call that they intercepted, which is Secoulis trying to sell a new, unknown device which he keeps calling "the package." Please insert (bwah!) your own joke here. Sloane brings up a photo of a big, square white building with lots of arches -- apparently this building houses "Club Panthera," which is Secoulis's cover. He's got potential clients meeting him there that week, and Sydney and Dixon are to break into his office and steal the specs on the package. Sloane hands the floor over to Marshall. Marshall's endearing/annoying ratio is rising sharply in favor of "annoying" lately. I don't know what it is, but lately when I see him with his little tics and "endearing" non-sequiturs, I just want him to go away. I think it's the writing. Then again, I like to blame everything on the writing of this show, including the increasingly large hole in the ozone layer and my inability to master the breaststroke.
Marshall stands up and non-sequiturs about some documentary on monkeys. It's painfully not funny, both for everyone in the conference room and for those of us in our living rooms. He's also wearing an insane argyle sweater. Marshall's rigged up a pair of glasses that will scan Secoulis's retinas and produce contact lenses with his eyes' configurations so that Dixon and Sydney can get past the identification locks and into his office. The catch is that they have to be trained on the subject's eyes for at least ten seconds. Sydney has this painfully polite, encouraging look on her face, like she's watching her cousin at a community theater performance or something. Dixon looks bored. Sloane is mentally rolling his eyes. Marshall says that he has a copy of the monkey documentary at home if anyone wants to see it.
The Best Little CIA Safehouse In Los Angeles. In one room are a bunch of CIA agents watching Hassan through a one-way mirror. Hassan is wearing a nice little grey fleece jacket. Vaughn enters and tries to look menacing and authoritative, but he looks about as menacing as a marshmallow Peep. He asks about "the package" and threatens Hassan with being made someone's bitch in a nasty prison -- as opposed to the nice prisons. Hassan refuses, unless Vaughn agrees to get his wife and son to the States with protection -- then, and only then, will Hassan spill. Vaughn tries to get all tough and fails miserably.
SD-6. Jack stops Sydney. I'm not sure where they are, but they must be in an empty room, because Jack pulls out his frequency-jammer pen so they can talk in private.
Jack haltingly thanks Sydney for coming after him in Cuba, since she didn't have to do it. Sydney cuts him off and tries to leave, but Jack stops her. He tells her that there are many things that he should do as a father, things that he should know and ask about her. Sydney tells him it's all right, and sounds like she means it. She turns and walks away just as Jack's pen signals that their time is up.
Under the freeway. Vaughn gives Sydney her counter-mission. He hands her a box of fake cosmetics -- lipstick, compact, et cetera -- which are really a bunch of spy crap disguised as cosmetics, and tells her that she has to record the info for the CIA and photograph a bunch of fake specs for SD-6. Sydney says thanks, and is about to turn away when Vaughn talks to her about her father. He says that they have to report him. Sydney tries to weasel her way out of it, saying that they didn't know what role he played in carrying out the KGB orders. Vaughn and I both roll our eyes. Vaughn points out that they know what orders he received, and that there's no statute of limitations on murder. Sydney points out that they need to infiltrate SD-6, and it would be impossible to take them down without her father. Vaughn bites his lip, furrows his enormous brow, and hands over a stack of files to Sydney -- all of the operatives who were killed. The odd thing is that while Michael Vartan has this almost preternatural ability to furrow his brow (and not much else, apparently), whenever Jennifer Garner tries to look worried, distressed, etc., almost NOTHING happens to her forehead. Maybe they should get together in real life and produce a child with a normal brow-furrowing capability.
Sydney says she knows all about the murdered operatives. Vaughn says she doesn't know, because she's not thinking of them; she's only thinking of herself. Wow, that's totally unexpected, to hear Vaughn giving Sydney what-for. Good for him. Vaughn says he understands that she's making a connection with her father for the first time in her life, and he understands how difficult it is to ask her to sacrifice that, but she also knows the right thing to do. Sydney tells Vaughn that he may be right, but she needs some time to come to terms with what she has to do. Vaughn's brow furrows so much that it looks like an accordion. There's even a cheek-furrow by his mouth. Sydney asks him to not do anything until she gets back to him, and drives off. We get another shot of His Furrowedness, who then whips out a mini-cassette recorder and plays back the conversation he just had. I like Vaughn much more when he's being a weasel. It almost gives him a personality.
Athens. Long shot of some white buildings. Inside of "Club Pantheras." Annoying electronica plays. Sydney enters, wearing a strappy fringey red dress, her red Marshall-made specs, and a fringey choppy wig. She tells Dixon on her headset that she needs another set of eyes. Dixon says he's working on it. Sydney and her outfit look pretty cute -- it helps that her hair's in her face -- but poor Dixon got stuck with Joey Lawrence's old wardrobe: an awful velvet button-down shirt and some leather pants. Whoa. Dixon bursts into the security room of the club and knocks out the guard. He tells Sydney that Secoulis is in the room to her left, through a bunch of mirrors. She looks up at the glass ceiling to see a bunch of hoochie mamas dancing over her.
Sydney smiles at the nasty guard and pushes open the mirrors. She makes serious eye contact with Secoulis and poses seductively by the wall. Secoulis looks tres, tres gross. Sydney says he's looking right at her. Man, is he smarmy. Dixon tells her the club's lighting is disrupting the signal, so she has to get super-close -- like two inches close. Sydney mutters, "Great," and actually makes me laugh for the first time in, I think, ever.
She makes a little "come here" gesture and, like a dog on a leash, Secoulis leaps his way over. He gives her the up-and-down. She says, "I understand you're the owner of the club," and Secoulis smarms, "Ah, you are American." Sydney deadpans, "That's right. God bless America." Dixon tells her that she needs to lock his gaze at an even closer range. She puts an arm around his neck as she whispers, "Your dancers suck." Secoulis says, "You think you could do a better job?" Just then, his chief goon tells him his eleven o'clock is here. Secoulis expresses his regrets to Sydney, all the while running his hands up her shoulders. To quote Janet Jackson: nasty.
Secoulis tells Sydney to follow him. He leads her to a private little room with a simply enormous bodyguard. Sydney pulls him in for a meaningful look to try to get a lock on his retinas. Secoulis gets all hot and heavy and says he'll be back in ten minutes. Dixon tells her that the scan was successful.
Sydney tries to leave. The big fat guard won't let her by. Blah blah blah fightcakes. Dixon tells her that he'll get the info, that she should concentrate on getting out. Sydney fumbles over the unconscious guard to get his keys as she tries to convince Dixon that she should do it, but he wins out.
Dixon heads for Secoulis's office and downloads all the info as Sydney escapes, only to have another guard spot her. The Alias mega-mix is in full effect. It's giving me seizures. Sydney runs into another room full of women dancers (read: hookers) and men (read: johns). The big fat bodyguard grabs her from behind. Secoulis approaches her and asks if she's auditioning to be a dancer or a bouncer. He has a truly repulsive laugh. Meanwhile, Dixon's still downloading info. He finishes as the scene cuts back to Sydney. Secoulis says, "I can't decide if you are my taste," and licks the side of her face -- and it's a looooong lick. Sydney looks beyond repulsed, and then kicks the crap out of him. Dixon runs into the room and also does some damage before they're able to escape.
Los Angeles. CIA Safehouse. Hassan is playing with his food. Vaughn enters, looking about as threatening as a Backstreet Boy -- somehow, he even manages to make the gun he's wearing look less menacing. Vaughn asks him if he's ready to talk. Hassan says, "Screw you," and adds he won't talk until he gets shown some respect. Vaughn once again makes the prison-bitch threat. Except he uses the phrase "someone's after-dinner mint," like Vaughn should talk. An altar boy could make Vaughn his after-dinner mint. He turns to leave. Hassan asks him again to get his family to safety. Vaughn says he can only guarantee Hassan's comfort. Hassan acquiesces and tells him that the weapons the CIA wants are in a silo on Crete. That was quick.
Blood drive wagon. Don't forget to give blood, guys! Sydney says, "He licked my face." Vaughn says he understands. Sydney says, "You don't, really. He. Licked. MY FACE." Vaughn's forehead has so many creases that it looks like a loom. Sydney dishes the hate for Secoulis, blaming him for her failure on the mission, and says that she wants to get him, bad, and that she has to be the one to go to Crete. Vaughn says that it's not the right time for her to go out of the country on a mission, since she just got back from Greece, and Cuba before that. Sydney says that they can have her father feed the info to Sloane, and make it an SD-6 mission. You know what? I'd really like to see what else goes on at SD-6, like what the other agents are doing. Hell, I'd like to see paint drying as opposed to this show, sometimes.
Vaughn agrees, but says that's not why he called her there. Sydney says she knows. She starts to tell him -- again -- how turning in her dad will jeopardize their ultimate mission, but Vaughn interrupts her as he plays the tape of their conversation. Sydney is hurt, betrayed, et cetera. Vaughn looks distressed. Actually, he has the same damn facial expression on he always has -- mildly anxious. Sometimes I think processed cheese food could emote more effectively than this guy. Vaughn says that he's not going to use it -- except he actually just vocalizes everything that was inferred by his playing the tape. He hands the tape over to Sydney, saying that he's telling her because he felt like he owed her. He says that he knows she's in a horrible position, but it's personal for him, too, since -- wait for it -- his father was one of the agents who was killed.
Vaughn shows her the file. His "dad" is deeply scary-looking -- kind of like Frankenstein's monster. That is one big, square head on that man. Vaughn says he made an appointment to meet with Devlin on Monday to report her father, and asks if she'll go with him. She gives the slightest of nods.
Will's House Of Faked Orgasms. (I'm assuming.) Sydney pulls up. A truly unbelievable, absolutely horrible, violation-of-the-laws-of-God-and-man version of "The Man I Love," sung by STING of all people, plays in the background. I loathe Sting. In fact, I loathe him so much that I can't even listen to The Police anymore. Now he perverts Gershwin? Great.
Sydney, wearing The Big, Cozy Sweater Of Emotional Breakdowns, knocks on the door. Will opens it. Sydney is crying. She asks if Jennie's there. Will tries to play it like he doesn't know what she's talking about, but then says, "No, she's not," and bids her enter.
Sydney sits down. She's crying. Will sits across from her and asks what's wrong. Sydney starts to sob. Will sits beside her and puts an arm around her. She lies down on the couch, pulling Will with her. Will asks softly if she wants to tell him what's wrong. Sydney mutters that she just wants to stay there for a while. Will says, "Of course," and settles in. I have to hand it to Will; he managed to keep his mouth shut and be a good friend, for once.
SD-6. Slo-mo. Sydney enters and hands her dad a note. Her VO reads the note aloud and asks him for help in setting up the aforementioned mission.
Sloane's office. Jack enters and gives him the intell.
Conference room. Sloane gives Sydney her mission, crediting it to Jack's intell. Sydney says, "Good work," to Jack. His face is still all bruised and battered. My. That was mighty lame of Sydney. Way to give yourself away. All throughout, Sydney is a little too chipper and eager.
Crete. A lonely, windswept beach. Sydney watches Secoulis through some night-vision goggles from a hill. The beach looks really gorgeous, even with a huge weapons silo planted smack-dab in the middle of it like some nuclear zit. Sydney tells Vaughn and the rest of the CIA team that Secoulis is leaving. Sydney approaches the silo, and I start cracking up -- she is wearing the tightest possible one-piece camouflage jumpsuit I've ever seen. It's like a leftover from J. Lo's wardrobe when she was visiting the troops in Afghanistan, or from a military-themed Britney Spears video.
Vaughn tells Sydney she's clear. Sydney opens the door to the weapons silo and descends. She asks him for directions, and Vaughn directs her to "the package." It's very dark and very boring. Hassan feeds directions to Vaughn, and from there it goes to Sydney. My God. It is so the opposite of fascinating to describe. Essentially, Hassan feeds her the code, and she gains access to the inner sanctum. It's a big warehouse filled with boxes. Vaughn tells Sydney that Hassan says (sigh) to look for black shipping cases. Sydney heads toward the center of the room and starts opening packages. After a couple, she tells Vaughn, "I found the refractor," only to have the doorway start closing.
Sydney gasps, "Vaughn, I think this is a set-up!" as the room turns black. The light comes back on as she tells him that the entire room is going into lockdown. Vaughn snaps at Hassan, "What the hell did you just do?" Hassan tells him he gave her the wrong code, that Sydney actually has set off an anti-intruder device. The whole room will fill with gasoline, and one minute later a flame will ignite. Meanwhile, the scene cuts to Secoulis, who's been alerted to an intruder.
Sydney is frantic. Cut back to the CIA control room, where Hassan calmly tells Vaughn that he won't tell him the proper code until he guarantees safety for his wife and son. Michael Vartan is trying to look intense and like a man pushed to his limit in this scene, but unfortunately all that's coming across is "cross-eyed." He cocks his gun and tells Hassan that if he doesn't get the code, he's going to pull the trigger. Hassan calls his bluff. Vaughn backs down and tells Weiss to start typing as he runs up the stairs.
Meanwhile, Sydney is choking as the warehouse fills with gas. Vaughn: run run run. Weiss: type type type. Hassan tells Weiss he misspelled his name. Weiss tells him to shut up. Vaughn bursts into Devlin's office and tells him that if he doesn't get his signature on the agreement for Hassan, Sydney Bristow will die.
Back to the warehouse. Sydney is still choking. Devlin and Vaughn enter the CIA room. Devlin starts to sign the agreement, only his pen runs out of ink. He gets a new one. How needless was that?
Hassan gives Vaughn the code. Vaughn transmits it to Sydney. She punches it in, and the gas shower stops. Back in the CIA room, everyone gasps with relief. Back in the warehouse, Secoulis enters, only to pull a gun. Sydney warns him not to shoot, since the room is filled with gasoline. Secoulis obeys, but then pulls a knife. They fight. Sydney feints and ducks, and at one point his knife goes into the control panel by the door. She side-kicks him and takes off. His eyes widen in horror as the control panel sparks. The silo ignites. Sydney barely gets away.
Los Angeles. Sydney, looking very natty, waits on the sidewalk. Her hair looks great in this scene -- very full and textured. Vaughn approaches as Sydney stares at a window. He says, "You're amazing." She says, "I am not amazing." He tells her she did a great job. They make The Googly Eyes Of Unrequited Love at each other. He asks if she's ready to meet with Devlin. She says yes. He gives her the meeting logistics. She says, "Okay," and walks away.
Close-up of the CIA seal. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn sitting inside a conference room. Vaughn asks if she's okay. Sydney doesn't reply. The room starts to fill with official after official, until the entire conference room is full. Sydney says, "It's a big meeting." Vaughn says, "I know. I don't get it." Really, couldn't that be Vaughn's life motto? Finally, Devlin enters. Cut to Sydney and Vaughn. Back to the door. Jack enters. The Kettle Drums of Doom sound sonorously. Sydney looks freaked out.
Jack sits down and introduces Devlin and the senior officers. He says he knew weeks ago that his file had been pulled, and that his activities twenty-five years ago had been under suspicion. He's ostensibly talking to both of them, but it's clear it's directed at Sydney. He apologizes for making such a public display, but he wanted to do it in front of the officials since they already knew what was going on, and he wasn't sure that Sydney and Vaughn would believe him otherwise. He confesses that the Cyrillic codes were, indeed, orders from the KGB to kill CIA operatives, including Vaughn's father, but that it wasn't to him that the orders were directed -- that they were for Sydney's mother.
All right, kids -- that's it for me. Unfortunately, duty calls, and I must bid you all farewell. But from here on in Regina Rouge will be kicking ass and taking names as your official Alias recapper, and she'll take excellent care of you all. Keep hope alive!